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Posts by zeal
Name: Phone Mao
Joined: Feb 22, 2017
Last Post: Aug 17, 2017
Threads: 5
Posts: 14  
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Displayed posts: 19
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zeal   
Aug 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Some say that combative sports should be left out from the school curriculum, I disagree. [3]

Q. Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the school curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?

The role of competitive sports in school curriculum



It is undeniable that sport brings vast amount of advantages to both the society and individuals including competitive ones. However, some argued that combative sports should be left out from the school curriculum. Though such kind of sports would be quite aggressive, I tend to totally disagree with this view.

To begin with, it is truism that competitive sports may be a little aggressive and combative, but the nature of such games brings several benefits to the students. Firstly, they could increase ones' passion and desire to win a certain match. In other words, student with sport spirit seem to be more willing to accept the challenges like exams, tasks, and so on. Secondly, as combative sports are quite hard to win especially with a skillful opponent, strategies become imperative and decisive factor, thus, they have to brainstorm to knock out the opposite team. Eventually, the practice of finding ways to defeat an opponent or to solve a problem becomes their second nature which would be useful skill not only in school tasks but in real life to tackle difficulties.

On the other hand, opting out such sport programmes from teaching categories would cause negative consequences to a certain extent. It is widely accepted that today's world is highly competitive especially in economic sectors, hence, more mentally and physically strong people are needed who have to be trained since in school. If not, a country's economy would not reach its potential and to the worst, that country would have a high chance to be influenced by other nations in terms of political, social and military. Another drawback is that potential talented athletes in a certain competitive sport would never be sprung up because school, the best place for ones to realize their true potential, would not have place for such sports.

To conclude, although some claimed that competitive sports should be removed form school curriculum, it is undoubted that their role is still as important as other sports and subjects. Therefore, I am convinced that those kinds of sports should be present in the school curriculum.
zeal   
Aug 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ban for fast food adverts? [WRITING TASK 2]The best way to prevent obesity in children! [3]

@minhphuccttv
hello,
in the first para, there should be three sentences, but in your intro, it only has two which lacks opening sentence (more generalised idea)

in the second para, there is lack of linking between ideas and some sentences are hard to understand for me.

the presentation in the third para become more smoth compared to the second one although linking words are absent.

the last para should have two sentences.

I am curious that "metal ways" and "participate way" could be used coz I really don't know those as I am still a learner.
zeal   
Aug 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / Chinese Civil War. Major historical events have powerful impact to people. [3]

@toseanliu
hello,
it is interesting to read your essay and i think it is really well written.

but though I gussed KMT would be kuomintang, i think it should better be described with completed words as I am not sure that KMT is a worldwidely accepted abbreviation.
zeal   
Aug 15, 2017
Writing Feedback / Working while studying pfenomenon. [3]

@toseanliu
hello,
in the third para, it would be better expend with example for the last supporting sentence.

and I am not sure that it is acceptable not to include concluding signal in concluding para.

in addition, the last sentence in the last para is quite deviated from your discussions mentioned above; "I cannot agree more".

it is better to avoid short form in academic writing like "can't".
zeal   
Aug 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 | Health (The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems) [3]

@DinaDinh
hello,

In the intro paragraph, I think there is no opening sentence (which is more generalized), rather there are only tow sentences (they should be bridging sentence and thesis statement)

In the first paragraph, I think topic sentence is disappeared, and I am afraid that the last line of the first para "Overweight will lead to the majority of health risks such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, strokes and so on." would not appropriate because the question didn't ask about consequences of overweight.

In the second paragraph, the supporting sentences should be expanded with relevant examples. In addition, you mentioned that sleep deprivation is one of the causes of obesity, so, the solution about it should be described in the second para.

- Some grammatical mistakes are detected.
zeal   
Aug 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] contribution of three sectors < > to the UK economy in the twentieth century [4]

Q. The graph below shows the contribution of three sectors - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services - to the U.K. economy in the twentieth century.

which sectors are influencing UK economy the most?



The given bar chart illustrates three different sectors which contributed to the UK economy over the period of 1900 to 2000.

Generally, agricultural and manufacturing sectors influenced in U.K. economic development during the first half of the century, but in the late twentieth century, business and financial sector was the major contributor of the economy.

To begin with, agricultural industry was the major determinant of the economy from 1900 to 1950 where its percentage were around 50. In addition, the percentage of manufacturing sector was almost comparable to the former one in 1900 with 47. However, in 1950, the market share of manufacturing industry was almost four fifth of that of agricultural market with just under 40 percent. In early part of second half of the century, the trend was apparently reversed where economic distribution of agricultural field was significantly declined and had nearly one third of the market share in comparison with manufacturing sector which took the highest position with almost 35 percent. Regarding business and financial sector, its market contribution was the least in the first half of the century with around 10 percent, henceforth, it gained dramatic rise and reached the peak in 2000 with 35 percent of the UK economy.




zeal   
Aug 12, 2017
Writing Feedback / Idolization and its effects [3]

@tunglinh0907
hello,
the essay is well organised, in my view, apart from the last two lines of the second paragraph. I assume these two lines are seperate two supporting sentences, so, I think it is better to expend these two ideas with examples.
zeal   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] the trends of the accessibility of current technology in homes in the U.K. [5]

Q. The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the U.K.

The given line graph depicts the trends of the accessibility of modern technology in homes in the U.K. in terms of percentage. Generally, upward trends were noted in all four categories of modern gadgets over the period of 1996 to 2003.

To begin with, CD player usage was in the highest position with 60 percent in 1996/97, henceforth, a static rise was detected and finally, it reached over 80 percent in 2002/03. Regarding home computer, the accessiblity was only nearly 30 percent in1996/97, but, the usage was gradually increased although it was not comparable to CD player which ended up at about 55 percent in 2002/03. The least accessible gadget in 1996/97 was mobile phone with just under 20 percent. However, their availability was sored moderately though it stood in the lowest rank until beyond 1998/99. After that, it crossed over the personal computer usage and then, rose with wild flactuation. At the end, the second place was took by mobile phone in 2002/03 with 70 percent. The last one is internet access which was not available until 1998/99, at that time, only 10 percent of U.K. people could reach their hands, but the usage of them rose dramatically to 45 percent in 2002/03.




zeal   
Aug 11, 2017
Writing Feedback / The pie chart compares the proportion of energy production in four different energy sources [3]

@abubakar07
In my opinion,

in overview, instead of describing only petro, it is better to describe petro and gas which occupies most in energy production industry and how about adding nuclear source as the least one?

- "In 1995, the most energy production was coal" I think "... most of the energy production relied on coal .." is much better.

- same as in "gas was the second most energy production"

- "However, in 1995 was the third most ..." it must be accidental mistake.

- "2005 experience" experienced
zeal   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2_women who do not plan to have careers should be allowed to get post-grad degrees or not [2]

Q. Women who do not plan to have careers do not need post-grad degrees, and thus they should not be allowed to attend such higher eduction courses. To what extend do you agree or disagree.

Women Have The Right To Choose (for over a century now)



It cannot be denied that the opportunities to learn the desired subjects have been equal for both women and men in these days, but some critics complaint that attending further education courses should not be allowed for women who have decided not to have careers. However, in my opinion, I am convinced that every woman has the right to do what she believes.

To start with, some people claim that permitting women who have no plan to have careers to get a post-grad degree is not an acceptable idea. The first reason for the concern is waste of time and money. Nowadays, the education costs are really high and it takes at least one year to finish a post-grad degree; then what is the reason of spending the precious time and money for a degree which would not be used in their lives. Moreover, it would be the burden to the women and their families as the former have to take care of the families and so the lessons. Another point is that in some culture, many old fashioned people believe that the child raring and household works are only for women as they are considered as second-class citizens, consequently, some women give up their ambition to attend post-grad courses because of the fact that their family members force them to.

Nonetheless, it is my contention that respecting one's freedom of choice is the most important for human beings. In other words, one is entitled to be treated equally without discrimination. Each and every mature and sound person has the privilege to decide one's own destiny as in the 21st century, gender equality and human right are the one factor that indicates the value of being a human. In addition, letting women to continue their higher education would be at least a small action to narrow gender inequality because education is for everyone regardless of gender, race and religion. Generally, women who have high education level have high self-esteem and self-confidence so that they can keep abreast with men even they have no careers. Being highly educated wives can help their husbands by giving advises related with the latter's works.

To conclude, although it is arguable that whether women who would have no careers should be allowed for post-grad degrees or not, I am of the view that women have the right to choose and plan for their lives. Therefore, acknowledging women as human beings not second-class citizens would be the best for women rather giving judgements about them.
zeal   
Mar 27, 2017
Writing Feedback / The different condition of American town in 1948 and 1950 [4]

hello koganta, in the task, there is no concluding paragraph and few grammar mistakes are noted. It would be better if the given map is attached along with the answer.

{The map gives us the information about the different condition ...} It should be rephrased.
{It can be seen, that almost the entire town had been ...} I think it is better to be placed in the concluding para

{Overall the area was not like it used to be.} This opinion sentence should not be written in the body para, rather should also be in the concluding para.

{... right to the petrol station had taken over by the supermarket.} passive ovice - had been taken over by

{In the western side, local supermarket and residential house were became commercial buildings.} became

{there was not changed of amount at all.} no change of

{the major transformation that could see in the future was a church shifted with the sport stadium.} no idea what it means
zeal   
Mar 24, 2017
Writing Feedback / Should children do household chares? [3]

hello Hilary88, the idea is good, but I think there are several grammar mistakes and it is hard to understand. I think second and third paragraphs are same opinions, so "on the other hand" should be used in the 4th para. I wrote the 1st and 2nd para. {can still have mistakes}

It is reported that many children always waste their time playing computer games and watching TV more than they spend on houseworks. Therefore, children need to be instructed by their parents to do household works daily so that children would become more confidence and more skilful in problem solving.

Doing tasks around the house can give several advantages for children. First of all, it is a chance to express love between family members by sharing household chores with parents. In addition, by watching their mother doing houseworks daily, children can have a good habit of doing household tasks. For example, on weekends, children may help their mother by sweeping floors which would be one way of relaxing for children after study and would also give good bonding between family. The second benefit is energy saving because it takes a few electricity while children spend little time before screens. Finally, children gain experiences by doing houseworks which will help them to prepare their future life so that their parents will feel secured about the children's future. For instance, when parents are away from home, they know their children can take care of themselves. To sum up, children have better to do household chores because those are skills which play an important role in life.

zeal   
Mar 19, 2017
Writing Feedback / Discussion about young people ignoring some traditional beliefs [4]

hello everyone, this is my first post and my writing. please correct me and advise me.

Globalization and lost identity



It is a well known fact that previously accepted traditional beliefs are ignored by people of the twenty first century. There are inevitable consequences of globalization and system corruption. In this essay, the impacts of globalization and system failure, and the ways to tackle their effects will be discussed.

To start with, globalization, which means that rapid and easy accessible of information, news, and culture, fashions, behaviours, ways of thinking from countries to countries, tempts young citizens to break their norms. In other words, they are reluctant to obey their parents' talks, become more materialistic and less religious than previous decades. As mentioned above, it is an undeniable fact that the situation is challenging for every modern country, and so, trying to improve the cultural value by using the benefits of globalization such as promoting one's cultural norms in social media would be the best approach. To do that, the government should arrange to broadcast TV programmes regarding the tradition, as an example.

Another big problem is system corruption. The failed system makes people's morals bad, as a result, most people today do not feel ashamed as they did in the past, for instance, students in this century are very easy to commit theft in the examination room. Although it would be difficult to correct the problem, it is possible to find a solution by a concerted efforts by both the government and the public such as enacting laws, enforcing laws and so on.

To conclude, although losing cultural beliefs is inevitable issue in modern countries, it is my contention that it has to be tackled by legislation. In my opinion, it is important for every citizen to value and maintain their traditional cultures and norms.