Posts by Ahmadham

Ahmadham

May 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / Motivation Letter of Taking M.TESOL program in Monash University [3]

Hi..this year, I have big intention to continue my study. One of deciding factors to be accepted as the students is a good motivation letter. Thorough this, I convey that I really need your help to proofread my motivation letter. Thanks in advance.

I will make a difference

My name is Ahmad Ham, I graduated from Tobelo University, Elementary School Teacher Education department in 2008. With this letter, I wish hereby to state my motivation for taking TESOL program for my master degree.

My past two years, either working as a private English Teacher or being staff in Creative English Society, was filled with abundant experience. Not only teaching material, which should be mastered, but also class management, along with a proper teaching method to be used, was the matters which always makes this interesting to face. Besides, students coming from different background and ages are worthwhile experience I got since this broadens my perception of the idea in teaching TESOL class.

My intention to take further study emerges when I was encountered by many challenges during the teaching activity. It was common to see that students, I taught, were not enthusiastic to follow the class. They were always discouraged by many problems. Those interruptions either were family matters, or business closely related to meeting their basic necessities. In addition, it is the fact that there is still a lack of qualified practitioners who are capable of leading the organization, where I get involved, and can guide all staffs to improve their performance in teaching. This leads my co-worker and I to get confused how to solve some problems regarding to the pedagogical maters. The final issue encourages me to take an advanced study from renowned university is the fact that I come from an area, Tobelo, North Maluku, where equally educational quality is not seen despite a better education improvement occurred in the central city.

Heard about an opportunity to continue my study in Australia thorough scholarship, I believe this will be my best chance to improve my pedagogical understanding. I start searching some universities, which can equip me with best practical knowledge and skills of teaching methodology. Then, my preference comes to Monash University with some consideration. First, this university has an international reputation and its ranking is 65th in the world, according to QS World University ranking. Besides, program offered in this university fits in what I intend to boost, in which the improvement of teaching skills, language culture, curriculum, and bilingual issues will be main concern. Also, I got some recommendation from my friend who study in this university and said that TESOL program is one of the best courses offered.

With the great chance of taking TESOL program in the university, I strongly believe the issues I faced during the class and the nonexistence of qualified leader in my organization can be alleviated. Furthermore, thorough this, I also believe with some prospective understanding and skills from the program, I will make many differences related to the issue of educational inequality in my hometown thorough teaching volunteering programs that my friend and I did all the way.

Ahmadham

May 17, 2017

Writing Feedback / Too much requirements from students? Should they focus strictly on the academic subjects? [2]

Hi..You got to know that essay question with agree and disagree type can be answered by five forms of answers. This all is fully agree, fully disagree, mostly agree, mostly disagree, or balance position. However, the way that you made your essay here is not one of them. In this case, actually you are only asked whether to agree with the idea or not, and the reasons confirming your preference should be addressed in the body paragraph. In addition, I noticed that the structure of your body paragraph is still far from what is expected. Thus, your thought is hard to follow. As refinement, I am going to tell you that body paragraph consists of three essential elements: topic sentence, supporting sentence, and conclusion. Those components can be broken down into Idea (the first reason why you choose your position (agree for example), explanation (a description of your idea), example (can be either academic reference or real example related to the idea), and semi conclusion (restatement of idea, along with its explanation).

I hope this little suggestion can help you to improve your IELTS writing skills.
Thanks :D

Ahmadham

May 17, 2017

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing part 2] Money should be spent on health education instead of medical technology [5]

Hi, I am really impressed with the way you wrote your essay. The structure is clearly understandable and easy to follow. Besides, you are successful to deliver your thought in logical order. However, I am little bit skeptical with the quality of your introductory paragraph as there was no clear thesis statement there. You need to know that thesis statement is the most important component in writing essay as this will guide the reader to know your essay content before going through the body paragraph. In addition, this part plays a pivotal role to improve the coherency of your essay. With regard to your body paragraph, it seems that its structure is more similar to discussion essay, which can be identified by your preference to write (MANY PEOPLE SUPPORT in the first body paragraph, AND A LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE BELIEVE in the second body paragraph), If we refer, however, to the question, the writer is actually instructed to describe their own thought regarding to the issues. Here, I said, there should be a profound distinction between discussion essay and asking opinion essay.

Ahmadham

May 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / SHOULD GOVERNMENT REGULATE THE FAST FOOD INDUSTRIES [2]

HI...when analyzing your essay, I have to say it is a nightmare for you. Despite less grammatical errors, your ability to response the prompt is far from what is expected, affecting you to have a low score in task achievement, which is the most vital one. If we look at carefully, actually this essay is an agree and disagree type. This actually asks you whether to the rule should be implemented or not, although you are still capable of explaining both positions. No mistakes you made is in the introductory paragraph as your position is clear enough. However, when it comes to the second and third body paragraph, then problems come across. The idea you should explore in the second body paragraph should be about the reason why the rules is beneficial , the explanation of what you mean and related example. Likewise, this format also should be addressed in the third body paragraph without explaining about some measures which should be taken to deal with problem. Writing this will make yours out of topic as no instruction is given in the prompt. Lastly, writing a phrase indicating a conclusion is more appropriate instead of writing (in contrast) in the last paragraph.

Ahmadham

May 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / In my opinion railways are more important than roads. Government support. IELTS- writing task 2 [2]

Halo Lin Yi, It seems that you still have a problem with grammatical understanding. Some sentences you made are difficult to understand. Prior deciding to write an IELTS essay, it will be better for you to improve your understanding on grammar.first This will not lead you to be stressful as your focus when writing is only on delivering a good idea. Although being placed as the last assessment point in IELTS band descriptor, Grammatical accuracy is an understanding which should not be overlooked as this aspect will determine the flow of your essay.

Ahmadham

May 13, 2017

Writing Feedback / Technological skills through computer games? Any other influence? [5]

Hi ..despite addressing much more benefits of playing game than its drawbacks indicating that your claim is acceptable, without deeper analysis may lead the reader to be confused with this essay. This is because the reader can argue the demerits is more predominant in spite of its less case number. Therefore, explaining the reason why both of them are either strong or weak is supposed to do in this essay.

In addition, let me give you some corrections related to your grammatical error and word choices

Technological advance= THE DEVELOPMENT OF TECHNOLOGY
common THING = TECHNOLOGICAL APPLIANCES used by children.

....... for children to play it . ( STOP HERE) THIS IS because when these (...) internet access, (WRITE COMMA HERE) they tend (...) know more ~~regarding~~ what they did ...

Taking ~~playing game~~ ,counterstrike, one of (...) by a player AS AN EXAMPLE, THEN WHAT???.
... to stimulate them to ~~reach~~ CREATE ~~sophisticated~~ A GREAT strategy when they lose (with collecting an equipment war) . keeping main purpOUse is how to win this game. (I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WITH THIS SENTENCE) Owing to this, they ...

... given by their parents. IN ADDITION, AS More ~~and more a lot of~~ parents teach them by giving a freedom act, ~~By result in this case~~ kids learn how to ...

Ahmadham

May 3, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 Industrial and business center relocation [3]

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

optimal location for business and industrial facilities

Some governments in several countries highly support that the industry and business center ought to be relocated to the outskirt area. This essay would argue that the drawbacks of the policy far outweigh the benefit.

On one hand, the main benefit of industrial and business relocation is decreasing volume of traffic congestion in the city. When the policy is held, goods distribution track is shifting and some roads in the city are no longer to be used by many vehicles. Besides, as the idea comes into effect, the employees automatically migrate to area nearby the building location, leading to a decreasing population rate in the left area. For example, since Indofood, one of food manufacturers in Indonesia, located in Bekasi, has been moved far from the city, the city is free from traffic problem. However, this might create a new congestion spot in the place where the factories are to be built.

On the other hand, the drawback which may appear when moving the industry and enterprise in the suburban area is environmental pollution. Industrial buildings certainly produce either liquid or gasses waste, which are often disposed improperly. Also, in the proposed place, air pollution will take place because of emitted fumes from a great number of vehicles used by employees. A report from CNN, pollutant index in Venezuela gets worst since one of the biggest companies has been relocated there. Sooner or later, the condition will bring the citizens living there at risky health, which in turn, threatens their life. This means that the demerit overpower the merit.

To conclude, even though there is a benefit of the relocation of business and industry, it seems to me that the policy has a more significant drawback.

Ahmadham

May 1, 2017

Writing Feedback / Parenting training led parents to be a good parent for their child [3]

Mono, although your are successful to clearly state your position along with its description in body paragraph, you still have a problem with grammatical error. Some sentences you made produce confusing MEANING. Take this sentence (Soppeng, one of a small cities of Indonesia, where all young couples have to attend the parenting class becomes a requirement before they married). as an example, DO YOU MEAN SOPPENG IS ONE OF REQUIREMENTS TO MEET BEFORE GETTING MARRIED OR IS THIS A NAME OF CITY ???

Ahmadham

May 1, 2017

Writing Feedback / Should parents attend parenting training course? [3]

Hidayat, you need to know that Thesis Statement in body introduction is a general answer of the given question. This part also determines your way of describing the issues. Once saying that you ' I PERSONALLY ARGUE THAT PARENTS SHOULD ENROLL THE PROGRAM, it indicates your in full agreement with the PROMPT. For this reason, your body paragraph either one or two should confirm your position. Addressing both sides does not fit with your thesis and therefore you are failed to meet the task achievement. Let me correct your Thesis statement.

This essay argues that while the limitation of time will make parents difficult to follow the training program, I tend to believe that it should be attended by them as they are the closest party with their children.

Ahmadham

May 1, 2017

Writing Feedback / Increasing parenting abilities in result of participating in specified courses [3]

Syamsiah, I have to say your essay is quite confusing. In your thesis, you clearly state that the trend is important, but your body paragrph covers both sides. As parenting training is essential for parents, then the idea you concern should only focus on that position. Explaining the reasons of your position is a must. For example, I PERSONALLY ARGUE THAT THE PROGRAM IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE PARENTS ARE THE MOST CLOSEST PARTY FOR CHILDREN AND THEY OFTEN ARE INCAPABLE ENOUGH OF EDUCATING THEIR CHILDREN PROPERLY.

Anyway to adjust your intro with the body paragraph, let me correct your thesis statement here.

This essay would argue that while parenting education only wastes beneficial time that the parents have, I am more likely to believe that the program is more essential as this will provide parents with best understanding of how to educate the children properly. .

Ahmadham

May 1, 2017

Writing Feedback / WT 2 - Should children have more or less responsibility? [3]

Besse, Once analyzing your introduction it seems that your are failed to meet the the task achievement, You need to know that discussion essay consists of three tasks, which should be met. They are VIEW ONE saying the trend as the positive change, VIEW TWO arguing the trend is negative one and YOUR OWN OPINION. Because those components were not seen in your introduction paragraph, your essay is more similar with the AGREE AND DISAGREE essay, that are answered in DISCUSSION format. I strongly suggest you to analyze the difference between them, so that you will not be trapped at the same mistakes.

Hope this will be worthwhile to improve your understanding of IELTS writing skills.
Writing Lovers,
:D

Ahmadham

Apr 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / Clothes, travel, film and music's online sale of four different retailers [3]

The pie chart below shows the online shopping sale for retailer sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

New Zealand's retail sale 2003-2013

A breakdown of the proportion of online sales in four different retailers in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013 is revealed in the pie chart. Overall, the rate of online sales in both clothes and travel decreased while the reverse appeared to be true for the remaining figures. Also, the figure indicates that the biggest rise saw in the figure for film/music.

In 2003, the online sales of travel was the most favorite one at more than a half while film/music's online sales was in the third level (21%). In contrast, over the following 10 years, the former decreased slightly to 29% whereas a significant growth by 12% witnessed in the latter, making its figure overtake the travel retailer as the highest online seller at the end of the period.

Turning to other figures, it is seen that the figure for clothes occupied the second rate of sales at less than a quarter in 2003. However, by 2013, there had been a marked fall by 8% in the rate of online sales in clothes, causing it place the lowest percentage at the final year whilst a very small rise had only been seen in books figure.

Ahmadham

Apr 22, 2017

Writing Feedback / The chart below shows participation in certain leisure activities by children in Australia [6]

Hello let me give you some correction.

Overall, it is clear that the most of free time ...

One rule can be noticed when making an overview is that the the overview should represent the data generally. Only describing one particular figure does not cover the proper overview. Here in the following is additional component to make your overview powerful

"Australian kids are more interested in spending their leisure time on watching TV and videos. Also, the figure indicates that with the exception of Watching TV and Art& craft, boys dominate the all activities.

Taking a closer look into details, it can be seen ...

In this prompt, apart from comparing one particular activity to others, actually the writer is also asked to contrast the value gained by both genders. However, i did not notice any in your second body paragraph.

A good example to illustrate this seemingly is in the following

A closer look at the graph reveals that occupying the least interesting activities, skateboarding and rollerblading was dominated by boys at 40% while only 29% girls do this game. In Art and craft, by contrast, an opposing trend occurs when the number of female children taking a part was 20% higher than that males children do only accounting for 40%.

Ahmadham

Apr 21, 2017

Writing Feedback / What students did after leaving college, without job? Describing The Graph. [8]

Syita, After reading your essay, it seems that your are not familiar enough with the writing task I format commonly used. In general, Writing task consists of 4 essential components. They are introduction, overview, details 1 and details 2 which can be written into three paragraphs. Introduction and interview are in paragraph one, details 1 is in paragraph 2, and details 2 is in paragraph 3. In introduction, the writer is asked to paraphrase the prompt given by writing sentences having similar meaning to the prompt while the general pattern of data is an overview. The overview should represent the data in general and it is not only the data showing the highest and the lowest rate. Prior writing the detail paragraph, data classification should be made. The data can be divided based on either year if they have a time frame or according to items if there is a time frame or not.

Here is an introduction that I make.

The bar graphs compares a range of activities undertaken by students from two different levels not taking a full job in the year 2008 (an introduction). Overall, it is immediately apparent that both graduate and postgraduate students were more interested in continuing their study to higher degree (an overview).

Ahmadham

Apr 20, 2017

Writing Feedback / Writing Task I People living in three different countries of U.S. [3]

The graph below shows the population change between 1940 and 2000 in three different countries in the u.s. state of Oregon

Washington, Yamhill and Columbia

The alteration of human population in three different countries in the USA state of Oregon over a 6-decade period is presented in the line chart.

Overall, the rate of human population in all countries rose over the time frame. The chart also indicates that US citizens were more interested in living in Washington.

In 1940, 75 thousand Americans lived in Washington, twice higher than those living in both Yamhill and Columbia only accounting for 30 and 29. Thirty years later followed a similar trend when a gradual increase by around 50 saw in the number of citizens of Washington while a very slightly growth only witnessed in the rate of people in Yamhill and Columbia.

By 2000, there had been a marked rise to almost double in the quantity of people in Washington whereas the citizens of Yamhill and Columbia had increased slightly to approximately 90 for the former and around 75 for the latter. This made Washington as a city with by far the most density population at the end of the period.