Undergraduate / business and technology for China (educational interests and goals - UMN) [5]

It's not a personal statement, but stating "educational interest", see the prompt:
university of Minnesota:In English, describe your educational interests and goals, educational background, special interests, and plans for when you return to your home country. Please include an explanation of why you would like to study the major you have selected.

Since my junior years， I have been thinking of starting a technology related business. To achieve this goal, I will need knowledge of advanced science and technology and what is more, the skill of business management. My goal is to first become an expert in my field and then transform this knowledge into a business. To achieve this goal, I am applying to engineering college and Business College of the University of Minnesota, which has prestigious engineering and business management programs.

"Science and technology are the primary productivity", Mr. Deng Xiaoping's words reflected the importance of scientific knowledge in our education. As Chinese pay a lot of attention to basic education, we have been learning science since grade 2 in elementary school and have laid a solid academic foundation. In the society, scientists and engineers own highest reputation. Influenced by the tradition, I am good at physics and enjoy using abstract knowledge to create real new objects and machines. From that time I have planned to design a solar power panel using the simplest function about "specific heat", though quite a naïve solution.

Moreover, engineering-related activity also spurred my interest. In high school I participated in Climate Cool, a program launched by British Council in order to raise people's awareness of Climate change. I played the role of an engineer for the first time when I was building a system which collects water and irrigated the plants of a "roof-top garden".

First designing the device according to physics principles, then drawing blueprint, discussing with my instructors, and at last turning the blueprint into real pipes and panels, I was extremely excited in the process. However, my dream is not just to become a technician. I want not only to devote my self to using technology to make new products, but also to lead others who have the same dream and aspiration as me. To achieve this, the knowledge of business management will also be indispensible.

Maybe I will continue my education in graduate school after college for further study in order to be stronger in knowledge in my field, but finally I will of course return to China, my home country. China is now developing at a fast pace, and the country is in need of fresh and advanced ideas and technologies which I will bring back from abroad. Upon my return, I will first use my technical knowledge in a specific field to work for a few years, while developing my own ideas independently. At appropriate time when the chance of turning these ideas into reality comes, I will then try to start my own business. My education at University of Minnesota will be the pivot to raise my childhood dreams up in the future.

How many words should I write in such a statement?

Please review, thank you!

Undergraduate / Understanding music for UW-Madison, thank you! [3]

UW-Madison
Prompt: If there is additional information you would like us to consider in reviewing your application, pkease share this with us as well.

I write about my understanding and experience with music

I began playing the piano at the age of 5. Believing that I have some talents on music, my parents brought me to the piano which was a head taller than me. Practicing 2 hours every day, I had got the 8-level certificate after 7 years. However, because my hands were too slim, it's almost impossible to become a pianist. Stricken by the sad truth, I stopped playing, also said goodbye to music. At that time, I thought "music" was just playing the piano.

Although not a piano student, I remained sensitive to music. In the following 3 years, I still met the key occasionally. Playing randomly the tunes I improvised, I found new meaning in "music". There were beauty and rhythm in the match and flowing of notes: ups and downs, crescendo and halt, and "music" was a harmonious combination of them.

Later, I went into a boarding high school and thus left the piano. Participating in the short movie studio, I began to know music in movies, in which I found a new world.

A blue trumpet echoing in the mist on Atlantic drew out the legend of 1900; a pure white melody flowing with a feather brings us to the fairy tale of Forest Gump. Sound, picture, and mood, those three features can coexist harmoniously. Music is not just the flow of sounds and notes; it can be happy or sad, heroic or romantic. In a word, music has emotion.

Looking from a broader prospective, life is also an enormous set of motion pictures. It is an artistic way to fill music into our everyday scenes, just like adding flavoring of mood to the recipes of life. With the presence of colorful moods, life is also becoming more poetic.

I played Viva La Vida to our soccer team when warming up for coming match. The song was a cordial for us, giving us the pictures of roaring fans, swift figures and passionate goals. When heading my SAT test centre, I chose Like a Dog Chasing Car in Batman the Dark Knights. Immediately, the sunny morning in May darkened, and it seemed that I was the only one in the street, aiming the final judgment. I heard clearly my heartbeats and heavy steps...

It might be funny looking at these scenes. But when I was entirely inside them, music gave me so strong feeling. We have joy and pain, love and beauty. These ups and downs make our life so colorful. Music contains similar elements: it is the melody of life.

Music is beautiful only when it contains changing rhythm. Life is also enjoyable only when we are not playing in a monotonous rhythm for too long. Continuous study and stress without relax will cause our strain of life over tightened, even rupture. A tune is dulcet when all different sounds appear. Similarly, our days are exciting when we can explore the world of knowledge, beauty, and love. My longing for the beauty of melodies arises when I am trapped by everyday dull routines. I am not satisfied with leading a bland life, and I am pursuing happiness, trying to make my life splendid to chase the echoes in my heart. I want to be a musician of life, if not on the piano.

What is music? Since the age of 5 I have been asking and giving myself different answers: from simply playing the piano, to the flow of sounds and notes; from the flavoring of emotions, to the melody of life. I never get the final answer, but each time I found myself closer to it in my mind. Maybe it is a rhythm and melody of the world, more than any instrument can express. So, even if we are not musicians, we can enjoy the melody of life as well.

I think ...1. too many words 2. too specific, just about music

Help me...thank you so much...

Undergraduate / A personal statement: reflection about different cultures [6]

This is a personal statement. I have revised it for several times, but still I think it lacks surprise. Please help me. Thanks a lot!

I stood behind giant St. Peter. His eyes were reaching for the end of the sky, also fixed on the city of Rome in front of him. Everything at that moment was motionless：the statue, St. Peter Cathedral, and clouds in the blue sky. Paolo asked me proudly, "What do you think of our city?"

We walked among the clusters of columns lying beside Coliseum and touched darken bricks covered by lichen. There weren't so many rushing cars or busy office workers. Songs lingered on the squares and people sat leisurely on the couches outside the cafe. Paolo didn't get up until 7:30 and went home at 14:00 without any homework. The leisure was hard to imagine for me, whose life in Beijing is always crammed with challenging course and kaleidoscopic activities.

Paolo and his friends also visited Beijing later. While we explored Rome thirstily, they seemed to be not very interest in our city. They would rather spent a whole afternoon bargaining in Xiushui Street, coming out wearing 4 cheap watches than visit the Forbidden City with us. Or they simply sat in Starbucks, sipping Cappuccino and chatting for hours while we waited in anxiety and wrote today's paper.

Later, in August, I had a half day trip with Gyre, a Californian boy.
"Fantastic staff!"
He stared at the Bird's Nest. He came to Beijing for Olympics, and kept talking with me everything about China in the whole morning: Chinese reform, Chinese-American relation...The light in his eyes told me how curious he was. I looked at his eyes. Yes, it's just that kind of emotion. It's in movie the Legend of 1900: The man pointed somewhere in mist and his voice trembled in ecstasy, crying out "America!"

In my view, Paolo is pride of his nation, but also a bit conservative, while Gyre is always extremely curious to everything he met. I am surprised that the two "westerners" are so different. Although I'm not sure if they each show their typical national temperament, I feel that different cultures influence how they think and live. On the way of advancement, we are learning many things from "westerners", even regard their lifestyle as our goal, yet the huge difference and diversity confuse me what a perfect lifestyle is. Certainly, I like Gyre's open personality, but Paolo spurs my reflection more. I see people tearing down 1000-year-old walls in Beijing to build a CBD; I have friends who speak English better than his native language. Are we losing our culture and tradition?

Maybe I will study in an American college, but definitely I will maintain my identity. Moreover, what I saw in Rome reminded me that we shall not only cherish our culture, but also share it with others. Romans are preserving not only the treasure of their nation, but also a gift to the world, or else how could I be so awestruck?

On the opening ceremony of 2008 Olympics, thousands of Chinese characters formed a word: "harmony". Recalling my confusions, I finally understood why the director chose this word: it's his answer. He hoped that we find harmony between developing rapidly and cherishing tradition, being modern and maintaining our own identity. I find it especially meaningful for me: Confucius' maxim has always been echoing in our fathers' hearts. Such quality will no doubt help me lead a better life and create more success wherever I live and whatever I do. I will forge myself with both our traditional value and American education: maybe that is true harmony.

When Paolo was in Beijing, one day he came to my room and saw me reading a book Cracking the SAT. He asked, "Are you going to America?"

"Yes, maybe"
"Why?"
His unexpected question made me loss of words. "Why?" That is the question, I thought.

My friend told me that I had chosen a tough topic:something about culture and it's very difficult to get Personal and Concrete on this. Can you give me some sujjestion? Thank you!

Undergraduate / A Personal Statement- father's birthday [8]

I was already exhuasted by the essay. This time, I just write a short story. It's a true story and I am still so sorry recalling that evening.

Father's birthday

Like every Thursday, I talked about how I played soccer on the dinner table. However, father was not so excited to my story this time. After dinner, I went on chatting on Face book: My friends stayed on the web everyday and their party never ended.

Walking out of my room, I found that the house was dark and quiet: mother had gone to sleep and I didn't know where father was. He was not at home, but where, so late? I worried. Had no more interest to continue the nonsense chat, I shut up the computer. There was sound in the key hole: he came back, with a bag of peanuts and a bottle of wine in hand which he put on the end table, and sat down.

The lights were off. The moonlight shed in, putting my father's lonely shade on the wall. I sat quietly on another sofa, listening to his chewing peanuts, the only sound in silence. I wondered what happened, but didn't dare to ask him. "You went our, father?" My voice was so weak that I couldn't hear it myself. He didn't hear me, but opened the bottle, and sipped the wine.

"I am 45 years old now, today." He said. I felt a strike in my head when I heard "today". "No one mentions it, nor does anyone remember." He murmured and picked another peanut. In my mind there was a battle. I was so high everyday, going here and there to everyone's birthday parties, making every effort to ingratiate a new girl friend, but let my own father sit sadly here. I wanted to destroy the web I wasted my days on, or find a place where I can hide forever, no dare see him... all ideas fighting each other when I looked at the ground like a frozen statue.

Mother got up. She too, was surprised. Knowing the situation, she apologized softly for forgetting the important day. Father told his story intermittently. "Last year, I bought myself wine and drank, too; the year before last, I was on business." I saw the image time after time father sat lonely in the pale moonlight on a day which should have been so happy. At that moment, he was no longer a big and strong man, but a sad child.

Father finished the wine and went back to sleep. He told me to go back sleep, too, saying nothing more about the event. But I couldn't, staring at the white bed sheet in moonlight. I felt cold, even in hot mid-summer, recalling the gloomy night. I used to be a bystander since young seeing my parents quarreling, but father's figure crouching beside the table like a sad child tells me: no. I should not be the one who is only taken care of, who just "deserves" the family's resource and love, and shoulders nothing. I have the duty to look after my dad. In several years I might leave them, but I still use the precious years making fun with friends and sending messages with different girls. That's what an innocent boy does; I am already 17.

I thought about many things on that special birthday. I decided to change from then on. Before the clock strike 24p.m, I looked at my cell phone. It was July, 16th, 2009.

This one is short...but I am afraid it doesn't sound like an essay, because I wrote it in an hour, and do not want to revise, while the previous essay-I revised it for 9 times. So, please help me review this, thank you!

Undergraduate / Melody of life ------- A story about music and movies [7]

I want to use this passage as "additional information" for UWM and "Writing Sample" for Hamilton. Please help me review it and see it the thesis was appropriate for the prompts above. Thanks a lot!

Melody of Life

I never forget that afternoon I first watched Schindler's List. I sat silently before the screen, listening to the faint violin lingering on the dim figures. At the end, the pure notes of the piano was the last straw that pushed me sob softly with the people who walked pass Schindler's cemetery and put a stone on it There have never been a film that moved me so much, and there have never been so touching music which I revive alone every silent night its duet with solitude. Music is the spirit of a movie, especially for me, who loves music and movie both.

I learned the piano form the age of 5. In high school, the infatuation of films made me a movie maker. I embraced different genres with various topics in movies. What is the method of making incidental music? I speculated. See those famous pieces: A blue trumpet echoing in the mist on Atlantic draws out the legend of 1900; a pure white melody flowing with a feather brings us to the fairy tale of Forest Gump. Sound, picture, and mood, those three features can coexist harmoniously. Music is not just the flow of sounds; it can be happy or sad, heroic or romantic. Music has emotion.

Looking from a broader prospective, life is also an enormous set of motion pictures. It is an artistic way to fill music into our everyday scenes, just like adding flavoring of mood to the recipes of life. With the presence of colorful moods, life is also becoming poetic.

I played Viva La Vida for our soccer team before a match. When the vibrant sounds echoed, I was filled with a longing for bright sunlight and flourishing life. Our players were extremely excited. The heavy beats struck according to our heartbeats, presenting to us the waving flags of roaring fans, boiling air in stadiums and players' sweat blended with mud on their faces. The music added hormone into our muscle...

It might be funny looking at the scene. But when I was entirely inside it, music gave me so strong feeling. We have joy and pain. These ups and downs make our life so colorful. Music contains similar elements; it is the melody of life.

Music is beautiful only when it contains changing tones. In the same way, Life is enjoyable only when we are not playing in a monotonous rhythm. Continuous stress without relax will cause our strain of life over tightened, even rupture. A tune is dulcet when all different sounds appear. Similarly, our days are exciting when we can explore the world of knowledge, beauty, and love. My longing for the beauty of melodies arises when I am trapped by everyday dull routines. I am not satisfied with leading a bland life; I am pursuing happiness, trying to make life splendid to chase the echoes in my heart.

I continue to find music, add music, even when I am not making a movie. But sometimes I add not just music, but the passion it contains. In other words, I am still making a movie of lifetime, whose title is: Life is Beautiful.

I reduce the words to 522 from over 800... Please review...Thanks!

Undergraduate / Why essay ----- why Hamilton ---- thanks! [3]

Hamilton is a school that teaches students to speak and write clearly. I wrote the essay based on a true story. Please help me have a look. Thanks a lot!

Why Hamilton

I have two habits since childhood. The first one is making friends; the second one is chatting with them. After travelling together in the world of history, politics, and our future dreams, I was always extremely excited for finding another bosom friend. Since then I had enjoyed the happiness of speaking and was eager to talk to anyone.

One day in August 2008, I got the news that one of our schoolmates, Ding, was going to study in an American college. He was an outstanding figure in our school. Unfortunately, I never had the chance to meet him, not to mention talk. I went to the farewell party excitedly, but was quite embarrassed because I didn't know what to talk about. At last, I put forward the most awkward question.

"Excuse me, which school are you going?"
"Hamilton."

I never heard of this word, but I still imprint the name on my memory. It was a pity that my first meeting him was also the last. Before saying goodbye, an idea popped into my mind: I can get his e-mail. Upon arriving home, I sent a long e-mail fully expressed my wishes.

More than I could imagine at that time, the e-mail started our communication which extended for a year when I established friendship with him. Making a friend purely by written words, I began realizing the magic of writing. Meanwhile, I read everything in his blog: form the start of the new student orientation in August 23rd, to his first composition spent 10 hours to finish.... Finishing the last feast: Class and Charter Day on May, 9th, 2009, I suddenly felt a loss facing the long holiday with nothing to read regularly every Friday evening: I have to wait for three months for the next semester. I found the excitement of reading a novel in which both the swimming test and alcohol had been engraved in my mind. I anticipated the Season II and even wanted to live in that colorful world myself.

Last month, my friend Zack showed me his new issued magazine. Turning the pages, I was shocked by one article: it was from Ding's blog. "No kidding." I laughed, "This is a free write. How can you use this?"

"Read this," Zack said, "read the opinion, demonstration and logic. I think it's worth putting in a magazine. Then I e-mailed him for publication."

"He is really a great writer," I thought. "Did the college teach this?" I entered the site of Hamilton with the question. Three words flashed: write, learn, and think. Yes, the answer was here. I made the decision to apply almost at once. But the reasons behind had accumulated for years when I logged in his blog every Friday, when I typed each word in my e-mails with genuine emotion, and when I talked with my friends happily.

My reflection did not end. Had not I loved talking with everyone, I would not have made so many friends; had not I written that long e-mail on a whim to one I met only once, I would not have met Hamilton, either. For me, the power of language rests in happiness and satisfaction of communication. Why am I applying for Hamilton? More than any ambition, I am looking for a place where I can learn how to express my thoughts to get resonance and friendship. Maybe when I am writing, a next child like me is also constructing his dream in my words.

I felt some my habits: writing and talking match the feature of the school. I am not sure if I express the meaning well enough because I tell the story in most words. Please review...Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'Soccer and smashing my dreams' --- Common app short answer [12]

This is the first draft of my Common app short answer.

My first match in Chinese Soccer School was a nightmare: all my fantastic dribbling skills lost their magic. After the match, coach told me, "You may have some talent in soccer, but you will achieve nothing without well-trained basics."

His words smashed my dream. I could not imagine practicing endlessly like other mediocre players. At last, I gave up my childhood dream of playing artfully like a trickster, just kept running, passing, and shooting. Realizing later that my friends still played the way I did before, I understood: "talent" will not make a master. Without sound basis, any flowery skill is useless.

I changed not only the way I played soccer, but also my attitude toward everything: I no longer believe that talent can be the shortcut to success, but stay modest and make steady progress. Coach's words always echo there: "you will achieve nothing without good foundation."

thebabybull Edit Delete Move 76.14.44.181
Nov 8, 2009 #10

I am worrying about my theme and language because there are simple too many people who write about the sports, yet this is truly the thing that changes me. I hope I can express the truth in the short answer. I will appreciate any comment and critique. Please review, thanks!

Undergraduate / 'New ways / The Getaway' -Tufts University - Why Tufts? & Short Story [13]

Here are four essays...Please help me review. I really appreciate yoru help!!!

I. REQUIRED SHORT ANSWER
Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?''
I was surprised when I happened to see Tufts' essay questions. I thought, Wow, it's so interesting, is this college application? I must write it, no matter what! My intuition just told me the open minded and creative atmosphere behind such a question. I long for a place which encourages diversity and exploration. Later, I knew the international perspective and "learn from difference" spirit of Tufts. It would be the best place for me, who is seeking fresh and exciting air.

II. REQUIRED SHORT ESSAYS

1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

My family has been moving from places to places, cities to cities since I am young. Every time I would adjust to a totally new environment. I was always excited about it. For me, there is no so called "comfort zone" because I am always walking into the unknown, and enjoying the excitement of exploration.

I like finding new ways and new areas. Several days ago, I explored the city of Hong Kong without a map. When there were still a few hours to my departure, I started from my SAT test centre with a compass as my only guide. I told myself: let's walk to the sea.

I saw on the road unexpected sceneries, ordinary yet impressive. I mingled into a college and watched students' commencement; I walked into the park and joined the boys playing rugby; I entered a Mosque and saw the people praying, who were happy to see a boy interested in Islam.

I finally arrived at the sea in exhaustion. It was my destination, but I had seen all the beautiful sceneries along the road. They are beautiful because they are unknown. What I pursue in life is not the ultimate goal, but the kaleidoscopic pictures in the journey. I will still walk on to the next destination, even if I don't have a map. I may have only a rough image, a dream, and that's enough.

2. Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014?

Soccer is more than a sport for me. It's a life style. Those qualities which are essential for a striker: speed, patience and seizing the chance, taught me how to do well on the field and in life.

I like sprinting on the field with high speed. Speed is the symbol of vitality. On the field, only young players can break through with high speed. It means unstoppable enthusiasm and a motivation to make progress. One's body will grow old, but his mind can be always young.

I also practice shooting a lot. In rapidly changing situation on the field, we need to make the difference in a second. Focus on the ball, keep calm, in practical and simple way, to achieve the only goal: to score. I always tell myself: Be patient, I need only one chance. I do not always run crazily, but I will watch carefully. A good player plays with brain, but a mediocre player plays with muscle. In life, I also believe that making the right decision at important moment can change a lot; it is more important than working hard but thinking little. On the other hand, careless "shoot" will waste our efforts before.

Maybe I won't be able to step into professional career, but I hope to work like a striker in life. Even when I am too old to speed up on the field, I will still keep the energy and passion of a young player, stay calm and efficient, and shoot accurately.

7. Write a short story using one of the following titles:

a. House of Cards
b. The Poor Sport
c. Drama at the Prom
d. Election Night 2044
e. The Getaway

My choice: The Getaway

Professor Feinstein woke up when he heard the sound inside the wall. Moments later, a tiny robot fell inside his room. There were a tiny microphone and a timer on that. He picked up the thing. It was the voice of Joseph, president of Juri Republic. "Professor, our police have arrived outside the prison. They are ready to rescue. The Gene Mutation Machine has been fixed. We are right here waiting for you to activate the program."

Feinstein was filled by a sense of pride and responsibility when he heard the words. He had been trapped in the Magogian prison for a month, when his country was routed in the world war. The president stopped and then he heard the voice of chief spy. "Professor, go out from room No 5, and then No 24. The gate code had been deciphered by our engineers. Please be quick and you have only 10 minutes."

The key of his lifetime has arrived, he thought. He must go out, and save his country.

He walked out of the cell towards the gate. No5, No24, No17... Suddenly, a man came to him. "Professor, my wife is now having difficult giving birth to a baby. She is in great danger. I know you are a doctor, and ...can you..."

"I am sorry, but..." He walked ahead before the man to finished speaking.

"Beep, Beep." Harsh sound from his timer. He had only 7 minutes to go. He quickened his steps.

"Ouch!" it was the woman's cry. The man ran back.

A chill came over Feinstein. He stopped, and could not help looking back "Beep, Beep." He looked at the timer: 5 minutes left. The red light on it began to flash. He moved one step further, but his heart throbbed heavily. His rationality and determination moved him ahead, although each step is like pulling his foot out of a morass with great effort.

He heard the woman's cry again and was all of a tremble. He took a deep breath. His face was full of sweat and his hair seemed to have just been washed. He wiped the sweat on his forehead with his left hand. Suddenly, he saw something sparking.

It was a ring his college president gave to him when he graduated.

He stopped.

He gazed at the ring. It was still sparking, after 30 years. The words engraved on that had not yet all been abraded. He read out, softly and slowly.

"Peace and light."

He shook his head and sighed.

He turned back, to the man's room.

"Beep, Beep." 3 minutes. He took out the timer, looked at it for a second, and then threw it away.

3.2.1. Suddenly, the warning system restarted and the whole prison was full of red alerts. Professor was just taking out the baby when 20 soldiers rushed into the room and captured him.

The escape of Professor Feinstein shocked the government of Magog. Magogian President Gog decided to attack in advance to stop the start of Gene Mutation Machine. 20 minutes later, he gave an urgent speech to the country and commanded, "To exterminate the use of mass destruction weapon and protect the future of human. Our army will now start the general war with Juri. My fellow citizens, let's fight for humanitarianism!"

(PS:"Peace and Light" is the motto of Tufts University)

This is perhaps the longest thread I have ever posted...anyway, it's a special school which has a long list of essays.
I really appreciate your help!!!!!