Unanswered [26] | Urgent [0]

Posts by theAbraham
Joined: Nov 1, 2009
Last Post: Nov 24, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 16  

From: Falkland Islands (Malvinas)

Displayed posts: 19
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Nov 24, 2010
Undergraduate / An experience: baskin robbins. [4]

Just jotting down some thoughts:

Essays starting with well executed quotes can be really effective; however, the quote you use here is confusing and takes away from the essay. I first thought you were the one speaking and working at Baskin' Robbins, but I had to do a double take after reading the second sentence. So either remove the quote, or work it in more smoothly.

chains of redundancy; from the simple choices such as ordering the same ice cream every single time -- Usually when you start a sentence with "from" you have two distant items to illustrate a range of scenarios. Here you only list ice cream.

I solely felt one emotion: amazement.

have had numerous amounts of clothes to wear.

The analogy to Columbus seems strange. He was a man who discovered a new world ripe with opportunity, but moments ago you were talking about depressing observations from your visit to Mexico. I do see what you're trying to say though: that you have discovered new ways to experience things by stepping out of your comfort zone. Try reworking this part, maybe?

Also, something that bothers me about a lot of admission essays is that they stay too general. How about including some very specific, interesting memories from your missions. Right now it's vague enough that anyone could have claimed to do what you've done.
Nov 23, 2010
Undergraduate / Passion in math and science, UW-Madison your academic goals, circumstances that... [4]

I just made changes throughout the essay; you can choose to work off my examples, or ignore them. Most changes deal with wordiness, ambiguity, and misuse of pronouns.

I'm a member of Science Olympiad Team in high school; a group of students who are keenly interested in physics, chemistry, astronomy, and other sciences. I joined the Olympiad team in my junior year, which also marked my first year in America. The main reason I joined the team was that I loved science and wanted to compete against other students; however, I realized that the team gave me value outside of scientific subjects . There are many differences between doing experiments for Science Olympiad and for regular classes. The experiments for the Science Olympiad are very open-ended: we're given a specific problem, but are left to design our own experiments and find the solution <-- (this sentence made little sense, I recommend revising it on you're own) . The Science Olympiad gives me a chance to apply the knowledge that I learn in school into the actual problems that we meet in daily life.

Sorry, I've only made it this far. For the rest of the essay, look out for errors that you've made here. Good luck.
Nov 21, 2010
Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Beaten Down the Mountain (the world you come from) [3]

Just jotting down some thoughts:

I let out a surprised yell. This hill was only getting steeper, the turns sharper, the jumps bigger.

I yelped in surprise; the hill kept getting steeper, the turns sharper, and the jumps bigger.
He turned to mountain biking, and has inspired in my siblings and I a passion for off road cycling. Let me put it this way-- our family of five owns sixteen bikes, and we would own more if my stepmom allowed it.

He turned to mountain biking, and has ignited a passion for off road cycling in both my siblings and I. But let me put this mutual passion into perspective: our family of five owns sixteen bikes, and we'd own more if our step-mom allowed it.

he displayed a natural affinity for mountain biking

Affinity means a natural liking towards something (which you already mentioned earlier.) I think you're trying to describe his quickly gained natural talents for biking, so I think you'd be better off using another word.

up with him down steep hills. Neither does the fact that he is six years my junior.

up with him down steep hills, or the fact that he's six years younger then me. (simpler and requires less thought to understand.)
I really like the last two paragraphs. There's still a lot more polishing to be done though, and I recommend you simplify wording, combine sentences for fluidity, and watch out for sentence fragments.
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / 'After anorexia, self-harm, and through continual intensive treatment' UC Prompt2 [5]

Reading this essay was difficult; I'm sure you don't speak the way you write (in fact the only part of this post I understood was your introduction, not the essay). Your complicating your essay by replacing smooth, easy to digest words with jagged unnecessarily complex counterparts. It doesn't look impressive, and makes the essay a chore to read. Besides that, I think you have an interesting experience to tell that's being handicapped by a poor use of language.

Here's an example of what I mean. This excerpt:
In retrospect, the main focus was to understand the roots of my numbing and self-deprecating tendencies, to ultimately claim vitality while seeking an understanding of recovery as the better choice.

Can be written more plainly:
In retrospect, the therapy was meant to uncover the roots of my numbing, self-destructive tendencies, and ultimately help me regain my well-being.
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Photography Job: School of Visual Arts Application Essay [5]

You only begin to answer the prompt's question at the end of your essay; the rest of the time is spent talking about how you've learned photography and progressed as a photographer. The prompt is asking for more abstract things: why you want to study the visual arts, what your future goals are, and what you're interests are. You've only answered how you've learned photography and what you've accomplished so far.

You should elaborate your beliefs on the importance of photography, and perhaps explain it's purpose. Plus, since it's asking why you want to study as an undergrad, you could tell the reader that self-education (what you've described) has it's limits: you want to be able to work with peers and professors who can push your skills even further.

I left any grammar checking out because I feel you may need to make some major revisions before you submit the essay. I hope this helps, good luck!
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "hard working student" - What will you bring to the University of Wisconsin? [2]

In general, this is a very safe, very common essay; it's generic, but it shows that you do in fact have something to contribute to the Wisconsin community. I highly recommend you don't just settle for this version of the essay. I know Wisconsin-Madison's application deadline is pretty far of, so you should have plenty of time to revise it.

My recommendation is to take a step back, and think a little outside the box. Many, many students are in close knit families, have traveled the world, and have experienced different cultures (America is a melting pot, so you don't need to go far to bump into another culture.) Write about a particular, unique life experience that only Emily Gold has experienced, and only Emily Gold can contribute to Wisconsin. Be honest with yourself, and offer the admission officers something that's truly valuable. If well traveled students were a dime a dozen, would you actually perceive value in adding them to your student body?
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Essay "Code and Design" [4]

Here's an updates version, I don't have anyone else IRL to help me. I really would appreciate someone looking over it :)
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Georgia Tech Essay "Code and Design" [4]

I chose to answer the prompt below with a 5000 character limit (currently mines at 3,436 which I'm fine with). I want to ask for help with any errors you may notice or ways I could word things better. The deadline for this essay is tonight, so I posted the incomplete version to get some quick feedback. I truly appreciate any help from fellow forum members, this may be the deal breaker for my admission.

During freshman year of high-school I moved in with my older brothers, who were both finishing their undergraduate studies at the University of Florida. Being among my brothers, I'd talk too many of their friends -- students with varying majors -- and ask about their interests, research and advice. Through discourse, I learned these students were passionate about something, and with deliberate actions they were able to make significant changes.

I quickly realized the importance of finding my own passion, or something I could frame my outlook around and do for the rest of my life. After stumbling through an array of hobbies I became invested in trying to learn how to build web applications similar to the ones I found myself using daily. The pursuit of that interest served as an incubator for my two passions to grow side-by-side: one for design and the other for code. I'd often be at coffee shops for hours working on small throw away applications to sharpen my skills. Some days were spent tweaking designs and creating user interfaces that were not only pleasant to look at, but also felt seamless when used. Other days I'd write code to breathe life into those previously static designs; occasionally pausing to check if the logic of the program flowed well and removing any error prone snippets.

As I became better versed in web development and design, I was contracted by others to work on their projects as a freelancer. Through freelancing I've met plenty of great clients and worked on a number of fun jobs. I realized, though, while making extra side money doing what I love is nice, it loses its appeal after working on almost the same projects over and over again. The results start to become predictable once you're assigned to build your tenth blog or ecommerce site, and even when I try to push myself the reality of a client's needs becomes a limitation. I looked back to see what initially fueled my passion for design and code, and remembered it was the experience of learning new things; the direction I was going down was not the one I wanted to continue following. I didn't want to become an anonymous programmer in a cubicle farm if it pushed learning to the side, and instead demanded me to crank out only what I already knew. I'd rather join a group of people who work at the fringe of innovation, and prioritize learning and exploration; in other words, to become a researcher.

Human-Computer Interaction is the field I want to help advance, for creating new experiences and interactions between people and machines is a direct application of my interests in both code and design. Georgia Institute of Technology is a school that can potentially put me in line with this goal, especially as an undergraduate student. Under the Computer Science department's eight Threads of specialization, particularly the People Thread, I'd be able to study Computer Science with a slant towards my interest in Human-Computer Interaction.

Experience has taught me, though, that you must add value before you receive it. So with that belief, I would waste no time in proving to be an asset to the Georgia Tech community. My biggest draw to a school like Georgia Tech is that it attracts students with knowledge and passion that matches, or even exceeds, my own. I've rarely had the chance to meet others with similar interests as mine; usually through random encounters at coffee shops or deliberately getting in touch with them. I can only imagine how great it would be to have the opposite happen, and instead be surrounded by peers who share similar interests. I wouldn't waste the opportunity it presents, but also would reciprocate value back to this kind of community. As stated, Georgia Tech is made of students with similar interests but an array of personal experiences and upbringings. I want to bring my whole self to the table, and become heavily involved in contributing to outside projects using an interdisciplinary approach with other students; after all, the fact is that a Computer Scientist will be even more effective when paired up with a businessman, designer, or other engineers.

Still working on the conclusion, I will post more as I finish. Again thanks for any replies!
Dec 31, 2009
Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

If by chance an admissions officer comes across similar essays (and this isn't unlikely since many people may get too inspired by an essay), they'd probably copy-past a sentence or two and let Google point them to the source. The original author should be fine, but the others will definitely not be looked at so highly.

For example, Abi posted his essays (abcdefu.wordpress/2009/05/06/stanford/) and it ranks highly in Google for accepted Stanford essays. You can bet a ton of people are going to rip parts off from him, and admissions officers will notice.
Dec 31, 2009
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

Schools like Stanford and Carnegie Mellon January 1st Deadline?

When a schools like Stanford and Carnegie Mellon have January 1st deadlines does this mean the last possible moment to turn in the application is on January 1st 11:59 PM, or December 31st 11:59 PM?
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

If you're confused I think the best thing to do would be to move on to your other application essays if you have more to do, then come back with fresh eyes and go with your gut.
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

I liked your first one better, I knew instantly you were talking about drawing when I picked up a few keywords like "line", "paper", and "graphite."

Maybe change the part shown below so you'll be talking about yourself:
peeks up at me to my surprise
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "I presented to the Judges about the case" - MIT CREAVITY QUESTION [4]

First, calm down. It usually takes an hour for someone to respond, and shouting in caps lock won't help.

As for the essay I really feel it doesn't convey anything about creativity. There were only two solutions, the custody either goes to the father or mother. Choosing one is not creative unless you found an alternative no one would have thought of. Also the essay feels jagged when you read it, but don't bother fixing it. I think you should scrap this essay and write one that conveys your creativity, or unique approach to solving a problem.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it might help you in the long run. Good luck!
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essay - My experience and how it adds value to UC (250 Words) [3]

This is an essay I wrote for the University of Cincinnati application. It's supposed to be approximately 250 words and describe my academic achievements, life experience, personal interests, and what value I would add to the University.

Can I get your opinions on how well I answered the prompt and with any errors? Thanks in advance for any help.

During freshman year of high-school I moved in with my older brothers, who were both finishing their undergraduate studies at the University of Florida. Being close knit brothers, I could talk to many of their friends, students with varying majors, and ask about their interests, their research and for their best advice. Through those experiences I learned these students were passionate about something, and with deliberate actions they were able to make significant changes.

I quickly realized the importance of finding my own passion, something I could frame my outlook around and do for the rest of my life. After stumbling through an array of hobbies I got sucked into the world of design. I became addicted to font faces, matching colors and anything aesthetically pleasing. Design for me, though, doesn't just end their: I feel designers today have a huge opportunity to help craft the future. People usually think of innovation as happening in a research laboratory; however, I think designers have an ability to look at the world differently, and truly inspire change. Designers also become exponentially more potent when complimented with someone of a different skill set, like an engineer.

That's why I want to go to the University of Cincinnati that has a program like DAAP, so I can find opportunities to do interdisciplinary work with students of differing interests; something a traditional art school cannot offer. I know though a lot will be expected from me, but I'm confident in my ability to excel; especially after taking a full college course load for two years as a dual enrolled student and balancing my co-curricular work.
Nov 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "patience" - I understood the true meaning and the benefits of maintaining it. UVA supplement essay! [7]

Here are my broad observations.

You use a lot of commas which denies your essay of any flow. Try reducing your comma usage and rearranging words to make everything more smooth.

Also the word 'struggle' may be too powerful to describe inconveniences like waiting for the shower and finding a workplace. I feel like your over dramatizing some simple annoyances anyone from a large family encounters.

Try trimming this essay down, and then focus on your lesson in patience. For example, tell us more about how you felt when your friends got better homes, what did you accept would happen when you almost gave up and how did you feel when you finally got the new home?

Hope this helps, spend a lot more time tweaking the content of this essay. Good luck!
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / My answers for some application profile questions [5]

Hello, I just wanted to get my answers checked for some application profile questions. Please tell me how you feel about the flow of the text, grammatical errors, and if I give out a good feeling of who I am. Thanks :)

Note: All answers had to be >300 Characters. Also I'm notorious for run-on sentences and mixing up things like there and their.

What is the most significant challenge that society faces today?

Distribution is a problem that has direct effects on a whole slew of other issues. For example more environmentally friendly cars or pedestrian friendly cities affect global warming. Also food shortage is not a problem, but getting supplies were they're needed is.

What were your favorite events (e.g., performances, exhibits, sporting events, etc.) this past year?

Ramadan was a very important event for me this year. Not only did it bring me closer to other Muslims and my family, but being so hungry I couldn't concentrate on my regular workload. So I took a month off of the regular web development work and picked up drawing, a hobby I still practice today.

What historical moment or event do you wish you could have witnessed?

I wish I could have sat in front of a black and white television during the 60's, holding my breath with the rest of the world, as the Apollo 11 mission was landing on the moon. An accomplishment that seemed as impossible as it was being done must have been inspiring for what the future held.
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Singapore food - Your roommate to be - Stanford Roomate Essay [7]

"Dear Roomate!" == "Dear Roomate:"

Replacing the exclamation mark is your call, but I feel it makes you look giddy and childish; Especially since you have another sentence with an exclamation right afterward.

"I'm amicable and jovial, and like to make friends." == "I'm friendly , happy, and like to make friends."

I feel using uncommon words like amicable and jovial ruins the smoothness of the essay, so I replaced them here.

Other than that your essay is really nice, good luck with Stanford!