Kelsey1704
Nov 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Tesla #THE PERSON THAT INFLUENCED ME MUCH# [4]
You told me all about tesla, but nothing about you.
You told me all about tesla, but nothing about you.
Kelsey1704
Nov 25, 2009
Kelsey1704
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable? [9]
If your decision making isn't impulsive, did you choose to apply to ____ College after taking the time to learn about them and decide they were right for you? Try something along those lines. I don't know how close you are to the word count, but that is sort of what I expected to read at the end.
If your decision making isn't impulsive, did you choose to apply to ____ College after taking the time to learn about them and decide they were right for you? Try something along those lines. I don't know how close you are to the word count, but that is sort of what I expected to read at the end.
Kelsey1704
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay [5]
I think it's a perfect topic to submit. I can see how falling into the trap of not talking enough about yourself would be easy with a topic like this one, but you use what you say about your brother to ultimately tell about yourself.
I think it's a perfect topic to submit. I can see how falling into the trap of not talking enough about yourself would be easy with a topic like this one, but you use what you say about your brother to ultimately tell about yourself.
Kelsey1704
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "Drop Ball" - Common App Essay - Applicable? [9]
I second that. I was riveted the whole essay, but your weak tie-in at the end was a let down.
I second that. I was riveted the whole essay, but your weak tie-in at the end was a let down.
Kelsey1704
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Main Essay- "Dancing Through The Days" [4]
Hi! Just a few comments...
but it's proved its worth to me in a tough situation. proven?
spent poring over audition pictures pouring
Hmm...I don't know. I think you should spend more time letting us know how it impacted you. Was there an experience, a positive comment made, etc. that occured during the end?... Something you would have missed had you quit? I can't quite place my finger on what it is I am trying to say, but if I were an admissions officer, I would want something at the end that suggests your lessons learned were at least something positive about the program; something to suggest that you've grown.
Having said all of that...I love your description and writing style. I could picture the girls lined up during the audition:)
Hi! Just a few comments...
but it's proved its worth to me in a tough situation. proven?
spent poring over audition pictures pouring
Hmm...I don't know. I think you should spend more time letting us know how it impacted you. Was there an experience, a positive comment made, etc. that occured during the end?... Something you would have missed had you quit? I can't quite place my finger on what it is I am trying to say, but if I were an admissions officer, I would want something at the end that suggests your lessons learned were at least something positive about the program; something to suggest that you've grown.
Having said all of that...I love your description and writing style. I could picture the girls lined up during the audition:)
Kelsey1704
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / My family came to America with limited amounts of money -common app essay [5]
Hi! Your essay really struck home for me as I have a younger sister who I often find myself a pseudo-parent for due to the long hours my dad works...
Anyways, I just noticed a few small things:
twin-sized bed hyphenated
24-hour grocery store hyphenated
sun up to midnight "midnight" is one word
out till midnight Use "until" - it's more formal
Soon after my family moved to America, my brother was more like a parent to me than a sibling. There is something awkward with this sentence. Can I suggest: "Immediately after coming to America, my brother became more of a parent to me than a sibling." Or just "My brother became more like a parent to me than a sibling."
eight-years older than me hyphenated
he was, and is, the most influential person in my life. Commas separating "and is."
By looking at my brother, I have witnessed numerous amounts of his actions that influenced me to become the man that I am today. This sentence is kind of redundant. Consider: "Through his actions, my brother has influenced me to..."
Throughout my eighteen yearsof life with my brother, the one thing that he has influenced me mostwasis his determination for success.to succeed.
was able speak and writing English effortlessly. "to speak and write.."
Even though learning a new language was very hard,especially English , my brother never gave up and kept at it until his goals were satisfied. "...until he was satisfied." or "...until he reached his goal."
He even managed to get into a college and graduate to become a Pharmacist. My brother's diligence is what influenced me to do what he has accomplished. He has shown me that if anyone tries their best and never surrenders, no matter what the hardship is, the outcome will always be successful.
By observing my brother, I have noticed that success cannot be easily attained but it is not impossible to achieve it. Consider: "My brother has taught me that while success is not always easily attained, nothing is impossible."
everything I got into my future. "everything I have..."
I know that if I follow my brother's footsteps, I, too,wellwill
one day become as successful as him. "...as he is."
As a father-figure in my life hyphenated
John Quincy Adam will always be my hero and my mentor no matter how much time has passed. Wait...is your brother's name John Quincy Adams? If so...you should say that waaay sooner.
Hi! Your essay really struck home for me as I have a younger sister who I often find myself a pseudo-parent for due to the long hours my dad works...
Anyways, I just noticed a few small things:
twin-sized bed hyphenated
24-hour grocery store hyphenated
sun up to midnight "midnight" is one word
out till midnight Use "until" - it's more formal
Soon after my family moved to America, my brother was more like a parent to me than a sibling. There is something awkward with this sentence. Can I suggest: "Immediately after coming to America, my brother became more of a parent to me than a sibling." Or just "My brother became more like a parent to me than a sibling."
eight-years older than me hyphenated
he was, and is, the most influential person in my life. Commas separating "and is."
By looking at my brother, I have witnessed numerous amounts of his actions that influenced me to become the man that I am today. This sentence is kind of redundant. Consider: "Through his actions, my brother has influenced me to..."
Throughout my eighteen years
was able speak and writing English effortlessly. "to speak and write.."
Even though learning a new language was very hard,
He even managed to get into a college and graduate to become a Pharmacist. My brother's diligence is what influenced me to do what he has accomplished. He has shown me that if anyone tries their best and never surrenders, no matter what the hardship is, the outcome will always be successful.
By observing my brother, I have noticed that success cannot be easily attained but it is not impossible to achieve it. Consider: "My brother has taught me that while success is not always easily attained, nothing is impossible."
everything I got into my future. "everything I have..."
I know that if I follow my brother's footsteps, I, too,
one day become as successful as him. "...as he is."
As a father-figure in my life hyphenated
John Quincy Adam will always be my hero and my mentor no matter how much time has passed. Wait...is your brother's name John Quincy Adams? If so...you should say that waaay sooner.
Kelsey1704
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / IWU-one paragraph why essay [3]
Hey! I like your essay...here are just a few comments. My opinions, of course:)
When it comes to choosing colleges, two factors are the most important for me. First, as I aspire to be a media officer for the United Nations, I have a penchant towards international studies and journalism. At IWU, the programs in both international studies and English writing are strong.
1) Stylistically, consider writing out Illinois Wesleyan University the first time, then go ahead and use its initials. Secondly, if their program is actually called international studies, capitalize it. I would actually capitalize it anyways, but that is just me.
IWU's International Studies is rated as one of the most popular majors by several college guidebooks.
If you capitalize it here, I would definitely capitalize it in the first paragraph.
Its English Department is headed by some of the most prestigious journalists in the US.
I wonder if this would seem less choppy if you combined these two sentences. Maybe: "IWU is rated as one of the top schools for International Studies majors by several college guidebooks, and its English Department is headed by some of the most prestigious journalists in the United States." Or maybe your way is better, I don't know.
With a student faculty rate of 13:1,
With a student, faculty ratio of 13:1,...
the small classes combined with knowledgeable professors mean that I would receive enough attention and help from the distinguished faculty to pursue my goal.
Some commas can go in here: "the small classes, combined with knowledgeable professors, means that I would..." Also, I would cut the word "help." Don't make yourself sound helpless.
I would maybe start a new paragraph here.
Secondly, location is rather important for me in selecting colleges.
This is a little redundant. Find another way to say that location is something else that is important to you.
I love cold and rural places. Cold weather makes me more passionate (maybe because I burn more fat and feel warm),
Why does cold weather make you more passionate. If you don't know, consider "Something about cold, rural places makes me feel more passionate and focused on the task at hand."
while rural places force me more concentrated on my work.
Consider cutting this. Any serious college will probably want students to be focused on their work. I think I know what you intended to say, but I think it comes off a little confusing.
In addition,
"Additionally"?
I regard Illinois as my second hometown.
Consider: "I regard Illinois as my home away from home."
I had lived in Chicago in my third grade with my mother and fell in love with it: windy city, gorgeous Lake Michigan, and the kind librarian at Roosevelt Library who taught me English.
Your wording gets a wee bit confusing in this last section. Consider: "Having lived in Chicago until the third grade, I am in love with everything about the Windy City: gorgeous Lake Michigan, [insert something here], and the Roosevelt Library, where I learned English.
IWU ... So studying in a university with rural settings located in my second hometown and so close to my beloved Chicago would be a great pleasure to me.
Consider: "Besides a strong program that I know would benefit my future career goals, it would be a great pleasure for me to study at a university that is both rural, and close to a city that I love."
Again, just my $.02, but I hope it helps. Good luck!
Hey! I like your essay...here are just a few comments. My opinions, of course:)
When it comes to choosing colleges, two factors are the most important for me. First, as I aspire to be a media officer for the United Nations, I have a penchant towards international studies and journalism. At IWU, the programs in both international studies and English writing are strong.
1) Stylistically, consider writing out Illinois Wesleyan University the first time, then go ahead and use its initials. Secondly, if their program is actually called international studies, capitalize it. I would actually capitalize it anyways, but that is just me.
IWU's International Studies is rated as one of the most popular majors by several college guidebooks.
If you capitalize it here, I would definitely capitalize it in the first paragraph.
Its English Department is headed by some of the most prestigious journalists in the US.
I wonder if this would seem less choppy if you combined these two sentences. Maybe: "IWU is rated as one of the top schools for International Studies majors by several college guidebooks, and its English Department is headed by some of the most prestigious journalists in the United States." Or maybe your way is better, I don't know.
With a student faculty rate of 13:1,
With a student, faculty ratio of 13:1,...
the small classes combined with knowledgeable professors mean that I would receive enough attention and help from the distinguished faculty to pursue my goal.
Some commas can go in here: "the small classes, combined with knowledgeable professors, means that I would..." Also, I would cut the word "help." Don't make yourself sound helpless.
I would maybe start a new paragraph here.
Secondly, location is rather important for me in selecting colleges.
This is a little redundant. Find another way to say that location is something else that is important to you.
I love cold and rural places. Cold weather makes me more passionate (maybe because I burn more fat and feel warm),
Why does cold weather make you more passionate. If you don't know, consider "Something about cold, rural places makes me feel more passionate and focused on the task at hand."
while rural places force me more concentrated on my work.
Consider cutting this. Any serious college will probably want students to be focused on their work. I think I know what you intended to say, but I think it comes off a little confusing.
In addition,
"Additionally"?
I regard Illinois as my second hometown.
Consider: "I regard Illinois as my home away from home."
I had lived in Chicago in my third grade with my mother and fell in love with it: windy city, gorgeous Lake Michigan, and the kind librarian at Roosevelt Library who taught me English.
Your wording gets a wee bit confusing in this last section. Consider: "Having lived in Chicago until the third grade, I am in love with everything about the Windy City: gorgeous Lake Michigan, [insert something here], and the Roosevelt Library, where I learned English.
IWU ... So studying in a university with rural settings located in my second hometown and so close to my beloved Chicago would be a great pleasure to me.
Consider: "Besides a strong program that I know would benefit my future career goals, it would be a great pleasure for me to study at a university that is both rural, and close to a city that I love."
Again, just my $.02, but I hope it helps. Good luck!
Kelsey1704
Nov 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Old Pride" - 500 words personnal statement. [9]
Hey, I live pretty close to UOP. It's a great school! Here are just some grammatical corrections.
Four years ago, I went through an incident that changed me entirely. It [a] ll started when I got addicted to online video games (why not just tell us the name of the game)in myeighth year of school. School and family became much less important. I was sneaking out of school just to "level up". My grades went down, my teachers and my parents tried to pull me out I would suggest something like, "my teachers and my parents tried to bring me back to the real world" , but to no avail. I went from being a good student, to a (seemingly) hopeless case.
---It was an unending circle. Whenever I felt disheartened by the real world, I found refuge in the game.My condition worsened, yet, the worse I got, the deeper I hide in it.I used every excuse to delve deeper and deeper into the game It was frightening to hear what I had become, so I resisted my parents' advice s,sometime in a cheeky manner. Inside, though, I wished that they couldwould be firmer on me, that they would not give up on me. They never knew that.
However, a shock awoken me:My final math test grade shoved me mercilessly back into the real worldI received my final math test. A 30%! I was stunned, I was humiliated! For the first time, I cried in public. Even my friends could not console me; that day, I do not think anyone could.
---Alone in my room that night, for the first time in a long time, I looked back. I saw my old image lost, my old pride crushed and defeated. I could not even describe myself anymore. Whathavehad I become? I knew it all along but never had had enough courage to ask. No, I never wanted to be a "nobody", I would never allow myself to! Suddenly, I realized that no one could aid me. (This reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe try something like, "I couldn't use excuses and online avatars as crutches any longer."To reclaim my life I would have to stand up and fix my mistakes.
---9th grade is the last, and most important middle school year in Vietnam. That summer I decided to regain what I had lost at any cost. I asked one of my old math teachers to tutor me,what I had lost during 8th grade and my best friend to help me with writing and French. I totally quit video games. I promised myself that for the whole year, whatever purpose it might be, I would not touch the computer.I vowed to myself that I would not touch the computer.
---The result was better than I could ever have expected. I caught up with my friends, even exceeded them at some subjects.At the end, I passed the graduation exam with a high score.By the end of the school year, I earned one of the high grades on the exit exam, and was accepted into one of the best high schools in Vietnam . I felt, again in my life, happy and proud.I was myself again.Not only because of what I had succeeded, but also because I had gotten out of my obsession. Many teens at my age never got out. I had proven that I was "somebody".
---How a person thinks of himself matter. Consider: "A person's opinion of himself matters the most." I always think of myself as Or, "I know I am" someone important, someone special, thus I was able to overcome the crisis Or, "and I am proud that I was able to overcome the crisis."I am here, writing this essay and pursuing for success, because I know, inside, my old pride would always guide me.
Hey, I live pretty close to UOP. It's a great school! Here are just some grammatical corrections.
Four years ago, I went through an incident that changed me entirely. It [a] ll started when I got addicted to online video games (why not just tell us the name of the game)in myeighth year of school. School and family became much less important. I was sneaking out of school just to "level up". My grades went down, my teachers and my parents tried to pull me out I would suggest something like, "my teachers and my parents tried to bring me back to the real world" , but to no avail. I went from being a good student, to a (seemingly) hopeless case.
---It was an unending circle. Whenever I felt disheartened by the real world, I found refuge in the game.
---Alone in my room that night, for the first time in a long time, I looked back. I saw my old image lost, my old pride crushed and defeated. I could not even describe myself anymore. What
---9th grade is the last, and most important middle school year in Vietnam. That summer I decided to regain what I had lost at any cost. I asked one of my old math teachers to tutor me,
---The result was better than I could ever have expected. I caught up with my friends, even exceeded them at some subjects.
---How a person thinks of himself matter. Consider: "A person's opinion of himself matters the most." I always think of myself as Or, "I know I am" someone important, someone special, thus I was able to overcome the crisis Or, "and I am proud that I was able to overcome the crisis."
Kelsey1704
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / A Different Spin on The Diversity Essay [8]
Hi, I like your flow of ideas and your focused choice of topic. One note:
You either got on the Queen Bee's good side or were shunned forever from social acceptance, in other words, you became an outcast.
I think the last part is a bit redundant.
My only other comment is on the fact that your entire essay takes place when you were in fourth grade...so long ago! Though I don't mean to say that this is a bad thing, can you add a line or two somewhere toward the end saying something as to how that experience is still with you today, and here's why? This is just my $.02, of course, but they aren't looking to admit your fourth grade self.
Hi, I like your flow of ideas and your focused choice of topic. One note:
You either got on the Queen Bee's good side or were shunned forever from social acceptance
I think the last part is a bit redundant.
My only other comment is on the fact that your entire essay takes place when you were in fourth grade...so long ago! Though I don't mean to say that this is a bad thing, can you add a line or two somewhere toward the end saying something as to how that experience is still with you today, and here's why? This is just my $.02, of course, but they aren't looking to admit your fourth grade self.
Kelsey1704
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "Studying Spanish" - U of M Diversity Essay Question [12]
You kinda sorta answer the question, but imho, you could do it much more effectively. First of all, you don't have a whole lot of words, and the goal of these essays is, ultimately, to tell them even more about yourself than what they will see in your grades, test scores, and obligatory extra-curriculars. The only thing your first paragraph told me was that you, at some point in your life, moved to Pittsburgh. You kind of have a thesis, but it can be much stronger. To me, it just sounds contrived, like you are telling them what you think they might want to hear.
My suggestion would be to completely go back and re-work it. You say your essay is about studying Spanish, but you only dedicate three or four sentences to that. You mention that you took a trip to Costa Rica...did you spend an hour of your own time each day teaching yourself Spanish, and go to Costa Rica where you somehow used the Spanish you had learned?
On a plane home from Europe, I sat in silence next to a French girl about my age for about eleven hours. In the last hour, she turned to me and in awkward English asked for my help filling out her immigration card. At the time, I had only a couple semesters of French under my belt, but between our limited grasp on each other's languages, we became friends and even split a criossant at the airport after the flight.
My point being, simply, that I would focus it down to one meaningful experience that involved your use of Spanish. It will be much more powerful. Just my suggestions of course. Good luck!
You kinda sorta answer the question, but imho, you could do it much more effectively. First of all, you don't have a whole lot of words, and the goal of these essays is, ultimately, to tell them even more about yourself than what they will see in your grades, test scores, and obligatory extra-curriculars. The only thing your first paragraph told me was that you, at some point in your life, moved to Pittsburgh. You kind of have a thesis, but it can be much stronger. To me, it just sounds contrived, like you are telling them what you think they might want to hear.
My suggestion would be to completely go back and re-work it. You say your essay is about studying Spanish, but you only dedicate three or four sentences to that. You mention that you took a trip to Costa Rica...did you spend an hour of your own time each day teaching yourself Spanish, and go to Costa Rica where you somehow used the Spanish you had learned?
On a plane home from Europe, I sat in silence next to a French girl about my age for about eleven hours. In the last hour, she turned to me and in awkward English asked for my help filling out her immigration card. At the time, I had only a couple semesters of French under my belt, but between our limited grasp on each other's languages, we became friends and even split a criossant at the airport after the flight.
My point being, simply, that I would focus it down to one meaningful experience that involved your use of Spanish. It will be much more powerful. Just my suggestions of course. Good luck!
Kelsey1704
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]
Kevin, that's true except that I've already had my bad luck! I'm a transfer ap who was rejected from my dream school this last Spring. I had a 4.0, over 1000 hours of community service, and was transferring from the number one feeder school. But I still didn't get in. Being rejected was heartbreaking, but I realize now, only a few months later, that I had wanted to go to the school for the wrong reason. I never would have been happy there. I've since found a school I feel much more comfortable with, that I know I would be much happier at.
Kevin, that's true except that I've already had my bad luck! I'm a transfer ap who was rejected from my dream school this last Spring. I had a 4.0, over 1000 hours of community service, and was transferring from the number one feeder school. But I still didn't get in. Being rejected was heartbreaking, but I realize now, only a few months later, that I had wanted to go to the school for the wrong reason. I never would have been happy there. I've since found a school I feel much more comfortable with, that I know I would be much happier at.
Kelsey1704
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]
Thanks for the responses, guys. I made a few changes based on your comments to clarify.
Thanks for the responses, guys. I made a few changes based on your comments to clarify.
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]
Anyone? The app is being sent out on Friday...
Anyone? The app is being sent out on Friday...
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]
Ah. I didn't think of the whole lazy association. Good call.
So if this were the box I would just list:
Achievement one and short description; two and description, etc.?
Ah. I didn't think of the whole lazy association. Good call.
So if this were the box I would just list:
Achievement one and short description; two and description, etc.?
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Scholarship / "Explore Whatever you wanted for one year" has really put me in a corner. [3]
What is UGA? Can you remain honest but tailor your response towards them?
What is UGA? Can you remain honest but tailor your response towards them?
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Small gestures in Japanese Culture" - Common app prompt [6]
Hi!
I tend to agree with Cissy. You stuff a lot in this essay, but I think it has potential to be tightened up and focused. Here are a few of my examples:
All my life, I've been traveling or visiting new places. Whether it was a trip to a new park when I was eight years old or experiencing a rewarding experience to Japan this past summer, I've had my share of traveling experiences.
Whether a new trip to the park as a small child, or my experiences in Japan this last summer, my whole life has been about expanding my horizons.
However traveling, whether to places that are renowned or seem inconsequential, is a reward in itself. I believe that it has added to my understanding of the world and the people that I interact with.
Traveling to Japan rewarded me with a richer understanding of the world and the people with whom I interact daily.
As all of our excitement boarded the plane, my group leader told us to write a letter to ourselves, expressing our individual wants out of this trip. Unaffected by our puzzled faces, he explained that at the end of the trip, we would be amazed at what we wrote on that first day.
My first challenge came before the plane even left the U.S. Our tour group leader asked us to write a letter to ourselves expressing what we hoped to get out of this trip. He promised that after the trip, we would be amazed by the things we had written.
You get the point. Focus your essay by talking about Japan. Focus it even more by talking about a specific experience or revelation or whatever that you had in Japan.
Anyways, just my $.02. Good luck!
Hi!
I tend to agree with Cissy. You stuff a lot in this essay, but I think it has potential to be tightened up and focused. Here are a few of my examples:
All my life, I've been traveling or visiting new places. Whether it was a trip to a new park when I was eight years old or experiencing a rewarding experience to Japan this past summer, I've had my share of traveling experiences.
Whether a new trip to the park as a small child, or my experiences in Japan this last summer, my whole life has been about expanding my horizons.
However traveling, whether to places that are renowned or seem inconsequential, is a reward in itself. I believe that it has added to my understanding of the world and the people that I interact with.
Traveling to Japan rewarded me with a richer understanding of the world and the people with whom I interact daily.
As all of our excitement boarded the plane, my group leader told us to write a letter to ourselves, expressing our individual wants out of this trip. Unaffected by our puzzled faces, he explained that at the end of the trip, we would be amazed at what we wrote on that first day.
My first challenge came before the plane even left the U.S. Our tour group leader asked us to write a letter to ourselves expressing what we hoped to get out of this trip. He promised that after the trip, we would be amazed by the things we had written.
You get the point. Focus your essay by talking about Japan. Focus it even more by talking about a specific experience or revelation or whatever that you had in Japan.
Anyways, just my $.02. Good luck!
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Peace Lines" - Significant Experience Essay [6]
Essay #2: Discuss how an event, novel or experience has significantly influenced you or changed your life.
The guide book said it wasn't to be missed. And so, on a recent trek through Ireland, I made a stop in Belfast to experience one of the city's famous Black Cab Tours. Over the course of only a few hours, I saw the row houses of Protestant Shankill Road draped in Union Jacks, listened to stories of the hunger strikers from the Catholic neighborhoods, and awed at the impressively elaborate murals celebrating revolutionaries on both sides of the religious paradigm. Though I had familiarized myself with Belfast's "Troubles" before arriving in the city, it wasn't until we reached our final stop on the tour that I realized just how naïve I had been to assume that reading a book meant I understood the religious and political strife that for so long had defined an entire population.
If "good fences make good neighbors," Belfast's Peace Line is the King of all fences. Built in layers - chain link sits atop steel, brick, and iron - the Peace Line is a 25 foot-high wall meant to minimize intercommunal violence between Catholics and Protestants. Standing in the shadows of the towering wall, I struggled to make sense of my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I watched as a little boy dodged between two parked cars to retrieve a soccer ball, and cringed to think of the role car bombs had played at the height of "The Troubles." Everything around me seemed to suggest a city on the mend, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I had somehow stumbled upon the dirty secret outsiders weren't supposed to see. When I asked my tour guide about the possible destruction of the wall, he responded by pointing to a mural painted on the end of a nearby row house. I stared at the life-like face in the painting. With his toothy grin and hat turned backwards, I thought he looked like someone I could see in one of my classes back home. This young man had been killed only last year, long after the supposed end of "The Troubles."
Viewing the world from Belfast's Peace Line is only one of multiple experiences that has not only provided me with a better understanding and appreciation of my own country, but also presented new questions about the world in which I live. It is my desire to know the answers to these questions that influenced my decision to major in Political Science, a degree with which I hope to work for the U.S. Department of State, particularly in Foreign Service.
I still wonder why the beautiful city of Belfast is scarred by religious and political strife. I yearn to know why race and religion remain such powerful discriminates. But by studying Political Science at Hillsdale College, a place whose very existence proves that answers to these questions are possible, I know I will be on the right track to understanding the world I am so fascinated by, and making the difference I so badly want to make.
Just a quick note....Founded just before the Civil War, Hillsdale College was one of the first colleges to accept people of all races, religions, and sexes. The line in the last paragraph is a reference to this. (This is something they are very proud of, and so will know what it is I am referencing)
Essay #2: Discuss how an event, novel or experience has significantly influenced you or changed your life.
The guide book said it wasn't to be missed. And so, on a recent trek through Ireland, I made a stop in Belfast to experience one of the city's famous Black Cab Tours. Over the course of only a few hours, I saw the row houses of Protestant Shankill Road draped in Union Jacks, listened to stories of the hunger strikers from the Catholic neighborhoods, and awed at the impressively elaborate murals celebrating revolutionaries on both sides of the religious paradigm. Though I had familiarized myself with Belfast's "Troubles" before arriving in the city, it wasn't until we reached our final stop on the tour that I realized just how naïve I had been to assume that reading a book meant I understood the religious and political strife that for so long had defined an entire population.
If "good fences make good neighbors," Belfast's Peace Line is the King of all fences. Built in layers - chain link sits atop steel, brick, and iron - the Peace Line is a 25 foot-high wall meant to minimize intercommunal violence between Catholics and Protestants. Standing in the shadows of the towering wall, I struggled to make sense of my conflicting thoughts and feelings. I watched as a little boy dodged between two parked cars to retrieve a soccer ball, and cringed to think of the role car bombs had played at the height of "The Troubles." Everything around me seemed to suggest a city on the mend, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I had somehow stumbled upon the dirty secret outsiders weren't supposed to see. When I asked my tour guide about the possible destruction of the wall, he responded by pointing to a mural painted on the end of a nearby row house. I stared at the life-like face in the painting. With his toothy grin and hat turned backwards, I thought he looked like someone I could see in one of my classes back home. This young man had been killed only last year, long after the supposed end of "The Troubles."
Viewing the world from Belfast's Peace Line is only one of multiple experiences that has not only provided me with a better understanding and appreciation of my own country, but also presented new questions about the world in which I live. It is my desire to know the answers to these questions that influenced my decision to major in Political Science, a degree with which I hope to work for the U.S. Department of State, particularly in Foreign Service.
I still wonder why the beautiful city of Belfast is scarred by religious and political strife. I yearn to know why race and religion remain such powerful discriminates. But by studying Political Science at Hillsdale College, a place whose very existence proves that answers to these questions are possible, I know I will be on the right track to understanding the world I am so fascinated by, and making the difference I so badly want to make.
Just a quick note....Founded just before the Civil War, Hillsdale College was one of the first colleges to accept people of all races, religions, and sexes. The line in the last paragraph is a reference to this. (This is something they are very proud of, and so will know what it is I am referencing)
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Scholarship / "Page 87" Autobiography-VCU Scholarship Essay [5]
Hi! Good job. Here are my suggestions; just some trivial things.
Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping, I became familiar with these sounds as it soon became my awakening call in the mornings.
Something is awkward in your use of punctuation here. Maybe it is just the way I am reading it, but I expect to find another kind of sound after "exotic birds chirping." Otherwise, maybe "Monkets screeching, exotic birds chirping - I became familiar with these sounds becoming my early-morning wake up call."
I had become bored with my normal routine back home and decided it was time for change, so I found refuge in Tanzania working as a volunteer for the ADA.
Possibly let us know what ADA is?
Just some grammar issues: "What I first signed up to volunteer, ...
If you are stepping off the plane you have probably arrived. I would cut to make it "But the moment I stepped off the plane..."
"...passing through the refugee camp where I would spent a bulk of my timeat ."
"The images ofthese men, women, and..."
The first visitthat I made to the camp was with another volunteer but she was not a dentist like me, but a pediatrician working with the Red Cross.
Maybe two sentences.
She was a young adult like me, who had come to Tanzania to retreat her home and take an initiative to actually make a difference.
"Like me, she was a young adult who had come to Tanzania to take initiative and make a difference in the lives of others." I don't think your use of "retreat" is quite right here.
Her name I soon found out to be was Kailee, but I just called her Lee. When we arrived at the camp, there was already a tent set up for both of us.
I think your first sentence is a bit superfluous. I was just say something along the lines of "Lee and I..." We'll know who it is you are talking about.
Andongwisye was the name of my first patient. He was a young boy who was suffering from an apparent tooth infection. [...] This might have been a reach, but I knew that if one of the students was willing to do to so, it could happen.
You're right. I too have some hesitations about this paragraph. Maybe heighten the drama. Say something like "My first day on the job began with a bang. The symptoms were various: swollen upper jaw, fever, swollen neck glands." Then go on to intro Andongwisye and the tooth infection plaguing him. Up-play your heroism through the pacing of your encounter with this young boy.
Again, just my two cents. Good luck!
Hi! Good job. Here are my suggestions; just some trivial things.
Monkeys screeching, exotic birds chirping, I became familiar with these sounds as it soon became my awakening call in the mornings.
Something is awkward in your use of punctuation here. Maybe it is just the way I am reading it, but I expect to find another kind of sound after "exotic birds chirping." Otherwise, maybe "Monkets screeching, exotic birds chirping - I became familiar with these sounds becoming my early-morning wake up call."
I had become bored with my normal routine back home and decided it was time for change, so I found refuge in Tanzania working as a volunteer for the ADA.
Possibly let us know what ADA is?
Just some grammar issues: "What I first signed up to volunteer, ...
If you are stepping off the plane you have probably arrived. I would cut to make it "But the moment I stepped off the plane..."
"...passing through the refugee camp where I would spent a bulk of my time
"The images of
The first visit
Maybe two sentences.
She was a young adult like me, who had come to Tanzania to retreat her home and take an initiative to actually make a difference.
"Like me, she was a young adult who had come to Tanzania to take initiative and make a difference in the lives of others." I don't think your use of "retreat" is quite right here.
Her name I soon found out to be was Kailee, but I just called her Lee. When we arrived at the camp, there was already a tent set up for both of us.
I think your first sentence is a bit superfluous. I was just say something along the lines of "Lee and I..." We'll know who it is you are talking about.
Andongwisye was the name of my first patient. He was a young boy who was suffering from an apparent tooth infection. [...] This might have been a reach, but I knew that if one of the students was willing to do to so, it could happen.
You're right. I too have some hesitations about this paragraph. Maybe heighten the drama. Say something like "My first day on the job began with a bang. The symptoms were various: swollen upper jaw, fever, swollen neck glands." Then go on to intro Andongwisye and the tooth infection plaguing him. Up-play your heroism through the pacing of your encounter with this young boy.
Again, just my two cents. Good luck!
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]
Well, the application says to attach a resume (and an example of my academic work, which is nice), so I feel like I want to take advantage of being able to do so. I just don't know how to handle that extra space asking for my achievements.
And you're totally right about the essay...I think I will do double-spaced.
Well, the application says to attach a resume (and an example of my academic work, which is nice), so I feel like I want to take advantage of being able to do so. I just don't know how to handle that extra space asking for my achievements.
And you're totally right about the essay...I think I will do double-spaced.
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Unique Californian family' - UC Prompt #1- My World [3]
Hi!
I like your essay, but I think it focuses almost too much on your father. Here are a few comments I have.
My family is unique to say the least.
I encourage you to strive for a more unique opening line. You say your family is unique, but (1) you really only talk about your father, and (2) there are countless essays submitted to the UC system about family members emigrating from India (or wherever).
From being a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston.
You start to get a little repetitive here. Try something like, "Going from small-town boy in India to successful manager in California, my father emigrated from rural roots and worked hard in cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Boston in search of the American Dream." Or something.
Starting off with a measly twenty dollars in his pocket, my dad stepped onto American soil. Even though in dire need of money, his objective was not to work in this "land of opportunity," but rather to educate himself and set up a brighter future. He could have easily have found work with the bachelors degree he has achieved in India but he wanted to attain his masters so he would be better off in the long run. During his time at college, he scoured the area for part-time jobs in order to afford his apartment rent and educational fees by working late hours and getting minimal hours of sleep. After this dreadful process over a two year span ended, he had finally received his master's degree, and was ready to go out and finally put the past behind him.
Again, nothing so far has really said much about *you*.
By seeing the tremendous hardships my immediate family-members have faced, I have learned that education is the key behind any aspirations I may set.
You can probably change a few words here. Since you only describe your father, keep the essay focused by changing "my immediate family members" to simply "my father." Secondly, I don't know that I would focus on the "tremendous hardships" part. Instead, try something like "Knowing the challenges my father has overcome has taught me that education is the key to realizing my aspirations."
And in order to attain my ambitions, working hard is crucial to becoming successful in my life and career. No matter the circumstances and the hardships an educational degree will always remain to one's name and will come in handy during the ups and downs of the economic system. Growing up and living in California my entire life,
"Growing up and living in California my entire life,..." ... a bit redundant. Either "Having lived in California my entire life..." or "Growing up and living in California,..."
I have been using the same virtues that helped my father strive and obtain a successful career. Throughout my childhood, my father has always ushered into my mind
ushered into my mind reminded me(?)
that education is the key ingredient to success and now this philosophy has become a part of me.
This might flow better as two sentences. "...that education is the key ingredient to success. This philosophy has become a part of me.
I have learned that education is in fact the key to unlocking all doors in life.
You already said this with "key ingredient, etc."
My dreams have always revolved around living the greatest life but always knowing the price you have to pay for it by studying hard to obtain higher level learning such as masters in a respected field. I am looking forward to the flexibility and an opportunity of college since the high school curriculum was too strict - requiring me to take many courses, many of which are general and not detailed or involved. College will allow me to align my education with the type of person I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge.
Hmmm...maybe a more focused ending. What exactly do you want to study in college? Maybe tailor this last paragraph towards that.
Good job. This is, of course, just my two cents. Feel free to utilize or ignore whatever you wish. Good luck!
Hi!
I like your essay, but I think it focuses almost too much on your father. Here are a few comments I have.
My family is unique to say the least.
I encourage you to strive for a more unique opening line. You say your family is unique, but (1) you really only talk about your father, and (2) there are countless essays submitted to the UC system about family members emigrating from India (or wherever).
From being a small town boy in India to a successful manager in California, my father, like many others in my family, has emigrated from rural regions of India to reach similar heights in the ever-glorious cities of Los Angeles, New York and Boston.
You start to get a little repetitive here. Try something like, "Going from small-town boy in India to successful manager in California, my father emigrated from rural roots and worked hard in cities like Los Angeles, New York, and Boston in search of the American Dream." Or something.
Starting off with a measly twenty dollars in his pocket, my dad stepped onto American soil. Even though in dire need of money, his objective was not to work in this "land of opportunity," but rather to educate himself and set up a brighter future. He could have easily have found work with the bachelors degree he has achieved in India but he wanted to attain his masters so he would be better off in the long run. During his time at college, he scoured the area for part-time jobs in order to afford his apartment rent and educational fees by working late hours and getting minimal hours of sleep. After this dreadful process over a two year span ended, he had finally received his master's degree, and was ready to go out and finally put the past behind him.
Again, nothing so far has really said much about *you*.
By seeing the tremendous hardships my immediate family-members have faced, I have learned that education is the key behind any aspirations I may set.
You can probably change a few words here. Since you only describe your father, keep the essay focused by changing "my immediate family members" to simply "my father." Secondly, I don't know that I would focus on the "tremendous hardships" part. Instead, try something like "Knowing the challenges my father has overcome has taught me that education is the key to realizing my aspirations."
And in order to attain my ambitions, working hard is crucial to becoming successful in my life and career. No matter the circumstances and the hardships an educational degree will always remain to one's name and will come in handy during the ups and downs of the economic system. Growing up and living in California my entire life,
"Growing up and living in California my entire life,..." ... a bit redundant. Either "Having lived in California my entire life..." or "Growing up and living in California,..."
I have been using the same virtues that helped my father strive and obtain a successful career. Throughout my childhood, my father has always ushered into my mind
that education is the key ingredient to success and now this philosophy has become a part of me.
This might flow better as two sentences. "...that education is the key ingredient to success. This philosophy has become a part of me.
I have learned that education is in fact the key to unlocking all doors in life.
You already said this with "key ingredient, etc."
My dreams have always revolved around living the greatest life but always knowing the price you have to pay for it by studying hard to obtain higher level learning such as masters in a respected field. I am looking forward to the flexibility and an opportunity of college since the high school curriculum was too strict - requiring me to take many courses, many of which are general and not detailed or involved. College will allow me to align my education with the type of person I hope to be; so it's not about the money, but about the skills that I will pick up in college. Education will be the key that will shape and evolve my personality and life knowledge.
Hmmm...maybe a more focused ending. What exactly do you want to study in college? Maybe tailor this last paragraph towards that.
Good job. This is, of course, just my two cents. Feel free to utilize or ignore whatever you wish. Good luck!
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / double or single-spaced & attach my resume? - Application Questions... [9]
Hi!
I am hoping you guys will know the answers to a few questions I have about the application process. As a transfer student, it has been a few years since going through this the first time, and I no longer have access to a counselor that can help me.
1. I will be sending my application rather than submitting it online, and my essays will be on separate sheets as instructed. However, should I submit my essays double-spaced, or single? Also, should I just format it: name/SSN, question (in bold?), answer?
2. There is a space on the application to list my achievements, awards, etc. But it also says that a resume can be submitted. Can I just write in the space "Please see attached resume?", or should I list achievements, *and* send my resume? If not, do I literally just list the different achievements?
Hmmm...I thought I had one or two more, but I seem to be blanking. Any help with the above issues is greatly appreciated. I'm applying early decision to a small liberal arts college, and I want to do everything right, lol.
Hi!
I am hoping you guys will know the answers to a few questions I have about the application process. As a transfer student, it has been a few years since going through this the first time, and I no longer have access to a counselor that can help me.
1. I will be sending my application rather than submitting it online, and my essays will be on separate sheets as instructed. However, should I submit my essays double-spaced, or single? Also, should I just format it: name/SSN, question (in bold?), answer?
2. There is a space on the application to list my achievements, awards, etc. But it also says that a resume can be submitted. Can I just write in the space "Please see attached resume?", or should I list achievements, *and* send my resume? If not, do I literally just list the different achievements?
Hmmm...I thought I had one or two more, but I seem to be blanking. Any help with the above issues is greatly appreciated. I'm applying early decision to a small liberal arts college, and I want to do everything right, lol.
Kelsey1704
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Type C, impact on your life (my literature teacher) [4]
Just some thoughts...
Everyone has someone who has an impact on his/her life.
I would cut this. Of course everyone has someone who has impacted their life. Otherwise they wouldn't be asking the question.
I have plenty of examples. Unfortunately, another point is that, some of them were an example of who not to be. I want to tell my own story about person who pushed me when inevitable impasse reached, who changed my view of this world. I am grateful to my destiny that came across with this teacher at an early age.
Everything about this sentence reads awkwardly. I would make a specific suggestion, but honestly don't even know what you are really trying to say.
When I pronounce her name, at one stroke I remember unforgettable memories from the past. The most important thing is that she was an literature teacher. She was a kind of mankind who spreads positive energy everywhere, even in situations when others surrendered and without any hope.
Again...awkward. Maybe something like: "Mrs. Smith. Just the sound of my freshman literature teacher's name evokes memories of _____ and ______."
In school we meet with professional trainers, communicate with other students and gain knowledge. Recently, I thought teachers should hold neutral, it is general statement.
???
In contrast, she changed my point of view. As a consequence of above written
Your readers won't have time to go back and review your previous paragraphs. Make your transitions clear from paragraph to paragraph.
I developed discussion skills and altered written argument. And she prompted me to be hard-working, polite and to not spoil. One point is that she was a fighter from the inside. She taught me how to love my motherland heavily.
Instead of listing here, try giving us specific examples. I would prefer to read about how you developed discussion skills. How does a literature teacher teach you to be polite? That's the stuff I want to know.
She gives up so much for me I am everlastingly grateful. The great Kazakh philosopher Abay said: "Be legible in your route, if you talented - be proud and like reliable brick lie on the wall which builds your future". Briefly, all of us must find our place in our life. She navigated me to the right path. Now, I realize all people around me are affecting my life in some ways. Some in positive, others in negative way. I confess their help.
"Knowledge - is like digging a well by means of a needle", - said Abay. I strongly agree with him. And support his position. Undoubtedly, my teacher takes care of us, she helped to look inside of our souls.
Of course, I honor teachers. They spend their time with students, they like architects of our life, main pushing force of science. When I see gifted individual, I think of proverb "Like teacher, like pupil".
My teacher is still impacting my life up to this days.
I don't know. We hear more about the teacher than we do about you, and yet you still don't tell us enough about the teacher for her to be anything but a flat character in your life story. My other suggestion would be to really work on your word choice, and the result is an awkward read.
Just some thoughts...
Everyone has someone who has an impact on his/her life.
I would cut this. Of course everyone has someone who has impacted their life. Otherwise they wouldn't be asking the question.
I have plenty of examples. Unfortunately, another point is that, some of them were an example of who not to be. I want to tell my own story about person who pushed me when inevitable impasse reached, who changed my view of this world. I am grateful to my destiny that came across with this teacher at an early age.
Everything about this sentence reads awkwardly. I would make a specific suggestion, but honestly don't even know what you are really trying to say.
When I pronounce her name, at one stroke I remember unforgettable memories from the past. The most important thing is that she was an literature teacher. She was a kind of mankind who spreads positive energy everywhere, even in situations when others surrendered and without any hope.
Again...awkward. Maybe something like: "Mrs. Smith. Just the sound of my freshman literature teacher's name evokes memories of _____ and ______."
In school we meet with professional trainers, communicate with other students and gain knowledge. Recently, I thought teachers should hold neutral, it is general statement.
???
In contrast, she changed my point of view. As a consequence of above written
Your readers won't have time to go back and review your previous paragraphs. Make your transitions clear from paragraph to paragraph.
I developed discussion skills and altered written argument. And she prompted me to be hard-working, polite and to not spoil. One point is that she was a fighter from the inside. She taught me how to love my motherland heavily.
Instead of listing here, try giving us specific examples. I would prefer to read about how you developed discussion skills. How does a literature teacher teach you to be polite? That's the stuff I want to know.
She gives up so much for me I am everlastingly grateful. The great Kazakh philosopher Abay said: "Be legible in your route, if you talented - be proud and like reliable brick lie on the wall which builds your future". Briefly, all of us must find our place in our life. She navigated me to the right path. Now, I realize all people around me are affecting my life in some ways. Some in positive, others in negative way. I confess their help.
"Knowledge - is like digging a well by means of a needle", - said Abay. I strongly agree with him. And support his position. Undoubtedly, my teacher takes care of us, she helped to look inside of our souls.
Of course, I honor teachers. They spend their time with students, they like architects of our life, main pushing force of science. When I see gifted individual, I think of proverb "Like teacher, like pupil".
My teacher is still impacting my life up to this days.
I don't know. We hear more about the teacher than we do about you, and yet you still don't tell us enough about the teacher for her to be anything but a flat character in your life story. My other suggestion would be to really work on your word choice, and the result is an awkward read.
Kelsey1704
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Explaining My Drop In GPA [8]
Thanks for the comments guys!
I just left out the name of the college on purpose. The school is very proud of - and well-known for - refusing to take federal money (on principle).
I am thinking about scrapping this essay. I somehow need to write a supplementary essay explaining the fact that my father was extremely ill and my grades suffered for it. But trying to adapt that to this question about character seems to fall flat. ..
I don't know. I'm appreciating the comments! Thankyou!
Thanks for the comments guys!
I just left out the name of the college on purpose. The school is very proud of - and well-known for - refusing to take federal money (on principle).
I am thinking about scrapping this essay. I somehow need to write a supplementary essay explaining the fact that my father was extremely ill and my grades suffered for it. But trying to adapt that to this question about character seems to fall flat. ..
I don't know. I'm appreciating the comments! Thankyou!
Kelsey1704
Nov 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "company's logo" - MIT Application Creativity Short Answer [6]
Hi! I quite like it. Here are my suggestions; feel free to pick and choose which ones work best for you.
A company's logo had always seemed tome asbe a spontaneously generatedsimple by-product of a company - something that is automatically createdspontaneously generated as a new business springs up (other suggestions: "is born," "is built from the ground up," etc.) . That misconception changed, however, when I had to make one myself.I took a desktop publishing class sophomore year.
One of the projects for my desktop publishing class in sophomore yearOne of our more challenging projects was to improve on the logo of an existing company by reworking it altogether so that viewers could learn about the company and its qualities more easily -This was finean easy assignment , I thought, until I was assigned a well-known aircraft maker whose nondescript logo I had never seen beforebefore seen .
My sail of imagination seemed to be stuck in the middle of a thick fog, with no wind of inspiration to get me out. I aimlesslykept drawingdrewtrite design after trite design - all of which kept getting rejected were consistently rejected - when , perhaps out of desperation, something suddenly clicked.
As I was about to finish what then appeared to be another futile sketch, I found the fog surrounding my mind gradually clearingwith land in sight ; the familiar elements that had constituted my early designs began to rearrange themselves into previously unimagined forms.
In a sort of frenzyExcited, I began to work on my latest design, combining and rearranging letters, lines and shapes as ideas steadily poured out. By the time I snapped out of my creative trance, I had in front of me a logo which, to this day, remains my proudest work from my brief stint in creative design. in my brief stint as a creative designer, remains my proudest work.
Again, you know your work better than I do, so ignore what you have to. But it's a nice essay, so good luck to you:) If you have a moment, I would appreciate your thoughts on my own essays.
Hi! I quite like it. Here are my suggestions; feel free to pick and choose which ones work best for you.
A company's logo had always seemed to
My sail of imagination seemed to be stuck in the middle of a thick fog, with no wind of inspiration to get me out. I aimlessly
As I was about to finish what then appeared to be another futile sketch, I found the fog surrounding my mind gradually clearing
Again, you know your work better than I do, so ignore what you have to. But it's a nice essay, so good luck to you:) If you have a moment, I would appreciate your thoughts on my own essays.
Kelsey1704
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "Cultural Synthesis" - UC Prompt 1 [9]
I tend to agree, although I must say I enjoyed your essay a lot. It was well written and interesting. My few comments are mostly aesthetic...
It was a tiny brick shelter roofed with thin metal sheets and tattered tarps, and was roughly the size of our current living room.
As a hybrid of several cultures, I know that I have the potential and freedom to make a difference in the world through the power of education.
I tend to agree, although I must say I enjoyed your essay a lot. It was well written and interesting. My few comments are mostly aesthetic...
It was a tiny brick shelter roofed with thin metal sheets and tattered tarps, and was roughly the size of our current living room.
As a hybrid of several cultures, I know that I have the potential and freedom to make a difference in the world through the power of education.
Kelsey1704
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Explaining My Drop In GPA [8]
Yeah, you're right. I do tend to be a bit semi-colon happy...
I will re-word those sentences.
Hey guys, I would love some more criticism. Other readers have told me that it sounds like too much of an excuse, but I have read it so many times, the same things keep going through my head!
Yeah, you're right. I do tend to be a bit semi-colon happy...
I will re-word those sentences.
Hey guys, I would love some more criticism. Other readers have told me that it sounds like too much of an excuse, but I have read it so many times, the same things keep going through my head!
Kelsey1704
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Explaining My Drop In GPA [8]
I am using this prompt to explain a recent tough semester I had, and how I learned from the experience. As with my other essay (please read thread "the dreaded tell us about yourself essay...), I am mostly concerned with my closing paragraph. This is only a first draft, but all comments are appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Essay #2: What is good character and why is it important? You may cite examples from literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education or your own personal experiences.
Though I have only come to realize it in more recent years, it is my father who has played the biggest role in instilling in me the meaning and importance of good character. When a dying bird was found in our backyard, it was my dad who wrapped it in a towel and sat with it next to the warm fireplace, but me who learned the value of compassion. When I threw the ball that shattered the kitchen window, it was the quiet disappointment in my dad's eyes that made me confess and realize the importance of honesty. His words of encouragement during the days of middle school bullying were a lesson on integrity, and later, when our family of four became a family of three, it was my father's devotion to my younger sister and I that taught me loyalty.
On February 6, 2009 my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. I did what I could to help. I drove my sister to and from school and work, accompanied my father to various doctor appointments, and took on grocery lists and laundry piles. While he recovered from one surgery after another, I maintained a thirty hour work week while attending classes.
Some of my newfound responsibilities were easier to juggle than others. I may have developed an ease for whipping up quick, healthy dinners, but keeping up with my academics was another matter ...
I am using this prompt to explain a recent tough semester I had, and how I learned from the experience. As with my other essay (please read thread "the dreaded tell us about yourself essay...), I am mostly concerned with my closing paragraph. This is only a first draft, but all comments are appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Essay #2: What is good character and why is it important? You may cite examples from literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education or your own personal experiences.
My GPA Drop
Though I have only come to realize it in more recent years, it is my father who has played the biggest role in instilling in me the meaning and importance of good character. When a dying bird was found in our backyard, it was my dad who wrapped it in a towel and sat with it next to the warm fireplace, but me who learned the value of compassion. When I threw the ball that shattered the kitchen window, it was the quiet disappointment in my dad's eyes that made me confess and realize the importance of honesty. His words of encouragement during the days of middle school bullying were a lesson on integrity, and later, when our family of four became a family of three, it was my father's devotion to my younger sister and I that taught me loyalty.
On February 6, 2009 my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. I did what I could to help. I drove my sister to and from school and work, accompanied my father to various doctor appointments, and took on grocery lists and laundry piles. While he recovered from one surgery after another, I maintained a thirty hour work week while attending classes.
Some of my newfound responsibilities were easier to juggle than others. I may have developed an ease for whipping up quick, healthy dinners, but keeping up with my academics was another matter ...
Kelsey1704
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / "If I were born in a poor household" - the world you come from, how it shaped you [10]
Hi! Something is missing in this essay for me, though I am having trouble putting my finger on exactly what that is.
First off, I found myself distracted by the number of grammatical errors. There was more than one sentence that I had to read twice. For example...
Most of the wealthy and highly -educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold (Maybe consider "exclusively high-threshold?") public schools,and learn to be the wealthy or educated next generation" where they are molded into the next generation of lawyers and businessmen" - you have opportunities throughout your essay to make your statements more colorful. ; housewives spend whole after noons in gyms or SPA canters (centers?) ; or having a party in small gardens. Several years earlier, my family moved to west CBD, which was an ideal environment to my parents' ideality-cultivating their only child a graceful lady who will eventually marry a gentleman and make our family name decent. This sentence just reads awkwardly.
However, I seem like a totally (total) outsider.
...and so on.
Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.
I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.
I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.
I would take out the part about you brewing wine in your bedroom.
I do not know why. I love my parents and felt guilty when I can notcannot satisfy them, and apparently I can ink out "rebellion stage" as the reason since I have passed it for years. Three years already, I've been struggling with self-cognition and my controversial future. The whole world around me--my family, my school and my neighborhood-- is trying to shape me an orthodox, sophisticated, and complaint women; however the harder it tried to shape me that way, the profounder I feel that my life suppose to fill of discoveries, journeys and challenges. That sounds like a plasticine-playing child who tries to shape the plasticine a ball, nevertheless makes it a cylinder.
I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.
Anyway, appreciation to my world is indispensable-it has given me so much materially, and, on the other hand, helps me find my dreams and aspirations.
Overall, I would focus less on some of the negative aspects of your experiences - running away, etc. - and focus more on how seeing the things that your parents and neighbors value has motivated you to place a value on different things. Lastly, really proof read your grammar and sentence structure. It makes for a very difficult and awkward read.
Just my $.02...good luck:)
Hi! Something is missing in this essay for me, though I am having trouble putting my finger on exactly what that is.
First off, I found myself distracted by the number of grammatical errors. There was more than one sentence that I had to read twice. For example...
Most of the wealthy and highly -educated families of this city live in west national CBD. Their children study in exclusive or high-threshold (Maybe consider "exclusively high-threshold?") public schools,
However, I seem like a totally (total) outsider.
...and so on.
Though I do have built many tastes as they anticipated, and I do have had enjoyable times with my neighborhood ladies, I know my aspiration belongs to somewhere else.
I have run away from home twice. The first time, I went to the outskirt alone to see the last steam train passing by when I was 10. The second time, I escaped from light pollution far away, and found a plot of lawn, lying down, waiting for my first Gemini meteor-shower of lifetime. Everything fell in quiescence; only cold wind blew my face to remind me I was not in the dream. Strangely I did not feel scared of dark, but only the similar peaceful as my circumstance. My mind wandered randomly in that tranquility: my parents' expectation, my real desire, my future... Meteors scratched some short lines in the mute sky; I swore I had seen the vague Milky Way.
I undoubtedly got reproach when got home; it might be the most angry mom I had ever seen, despite the time she found me furtively brewed 4 bottles of wine in my room-those liquid sent out acid smell.
I would take out the part about you brewing wine in your bedroom.
I know no one means to it. Things may totally change if I were born in a poor household-my dream might be to own what these middle class ladies have: gorgeous clothes, college, and a peaceful life. However, it is exactly the ease and comfort shaped my dreams and aspiration. I saw how lifeless and meaningless it will be since the first day I touch it, and only wanted to pursue adventures as doing something beyond their definition for me.
Overall, I would focus less on some of the negative aspects of your experiences - running away, etc. - and focus more on how seeing the things that your parents and neighbors value has motivated you to place a value on different things. Lastly, really proof read your grammar and sentence structure. It makes for a very difficult and awkward read.
Just my $.02...good luck:)
Kelsey1704
Nov 9, 2009
Undergraduate / The dreaded "tell us about yourself" question.... [4]
Hi guys! Hoping I can get your input on a few things. This is for an early decision application to a small, liberal arts college. I'm mostly interested in the last paragraph. The way I tie in the school feels contrived, and yet this was the smoothest of all the different ways I tried it. I think the same things are going around and around in my head, lol. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Essay #1: Tell us about yourself and your interests; indicate your strengths and weaknesses; and describe your educational and career goals, the kind of person you wish to become and how ______ can help you reach these goals.
When I got my own room for the first time at age sixteen, the first thing I did was purchase myself a bookcase. The rooms shared with my sister had always been too small to hold much more than beds and dressers, and I desperately wanted a place to hold the books and personal items that for so long had been condemned to boxes stacked neatly in closets. The bookcase itself is not much. Bought at IKEA, I somehow managed to put it together myself - evidenced by the fact that the top shelf rests just a little higher on the right than on the left. But ordinary as it is, my bookcase is the catch-all for the things I absolutely cannot lose, and the keeper of all things important to me.
Lined up on the top shelf are my all-time favorite books. From Black Beauty to Liberty and Tyranny, these are the titles that have had the biggest impact on the person I am today - a major feat for the books of a self-proclaimed book addict. On the shelf just below is an engraved plaque that serves as a constant reminder to "shoot for the moon." The plaque leans against, and ultimately hides a number of confidence-boosting self-help books, the presence of which I am both embarrassed and comforted by. A number of language and travel guides are settled just below that on the third shelf, symbols of what I hope is a future with the U.S. State Department. The books range from easy French children's books to the Russian language edition of Dr. Zhivago, a book I will someday be able to read.
Over the years, my bookcase has acquired the random objects reflective of life's experiences. Draped over the top of the case is the West Ham scarf I trekked all over London looking for. I insisted on purchasing it despite the shop keeper's attempt to convince me that Manchester United was the "more winly" team. I guess I'm just one to root for the underdog. Pinned to a framed picture of my horse, Joey, is the first ribbon we ever won together. It's not the prettiest, or our best, but that cherished fourth-place ribbon represents the value of hard-work, commitment, friendship, and loyalty - all lessons Joey has taught me over the years.
I think my bookcase is a good representation of who I am. Just like my bookcase, my personality is full of seemingly random elements whose only unifying force is the fact that they all belong to me. It will be both the experiences I have had, and the challenges I have yet to face, that will further develop who I am and allow me to succeed at a place that values curiosity and ambition, integrity and social concern. ________is that place.
Hi guys! Hoping I can get your input on a few things. This is for an early decision application to a small, liberal arts college. I'm mostly interested in the last paragraph. The way I tie in the school feels contrived, and yet this was the smoothest of all the different ways I tried it. I think the same things are going around and around in my head, lol. Thanks in advance for any feedback.
Essay #1: Tell us about yourself and your interests; indicate your strengths and weaknesses; and describe your educational and career goals, the kind of person you wish to become and how ______ can help you reach these goals.
When I got my own room for the first time at age sixteen, the first thing I did was purchase myself a bookcase. The rooms shared with my sister had always been too small to hold much more than beds and dressers, and I desperately wanted a place to hold the books and personal items that for so long had been condemned to boxes stacked neatly in closets. The bookcase itself is not much. Bought at IKEA, I somehow managed to put it together myself - evidenced by the fact that the top shelf rests just a little higher on the right than on the left. But ordinary as it is, my bookcase is the catch-all for the things I absolutely cannot lose, and the keeper of all things important to me.
Lined up on the top shelf are my all-time favorite books. From Black Beauty to Liberty and Tyranny, these are the titles that have had the biggest impact on the person I am today - a major feat for the books of a self-proclaimed book addict. On the shelf just below is an engraved plaque that serves as a constant reminder to "shoot for the moon." The plaque leans against, and ultimately hides a number of confidence-boosting self-help books, the presence of which I am both embarrassed and comforted by. A number of language and travel guides are settled just below that on the third shelf, symbols of what I hope is a future with the U.S. State Department. The books range from easy French children's books to the Russian language edition of Dr. Zhivago, a book I will someday be able to read.
Over the years, my bookcase has acquired the random objects reflective of life's experiences. Draped over the top of the case is the West Ham scarf I trekked all over London looking for. I insisted on purchasing it despite the shop keeper's attempt to convince me that Manchester United was the "more winly" team. I guess I'm just one to root for the underdog. Pinned to a framed picture of my horse, Joey, is the first ribbon we ever won together. It's not the prettiest, or our best, but that cherished fourth-place ribbon represents the value of hard-work, commitment, friendship, and loyalty - all lessons Joey has taught me over the years.
I think my bookcase is a good representation of who I am. Just like my bookcase, my personality is full of seemingly random elements whose only unifying force is the fact that they all belong to me. It will be both the experiences I have had, and the challenges I have yet to face, that will further develop who I am and allow me to succeed at a place that values curiosity and ambition, integrity and social concern. ________is that place.
