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Posts by keilinger
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: Mar 9, 2010
Threads: 9
Posts: 53  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 62 / page 2 of 2
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keilinger   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I love psychology -Cornell supp [7]

Would this make an appropriate Common App essay as well? Does it show my personality well enough?
keilinger   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement Prompt #2 [What voice would you add?] [4]

Your sense of fulfillment in being a rugby medic is obvious. Good job!

Such qualities and skills can be directly applied in everyday life, where compassion and composure not only serve to enhance relationships, but also aids in building new ones. <--- This idea needs to either be more developed, or completely eliminated.
keilinger   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay about Black girl overcoming and not playing into stereotypes-Amherst [2]

Notes:
- quirky doesn't need to be in quotations. No comma after quirky.
- I could make that smart comebacks, say all the funny things, and had all the right moves. <-- tense inconsistency
- Leslie doesn't need to be in quotations.
- Indent for new paragraphs.

I like the thoughtfulness of your essay. Good job, especially on the strong ending.
keilinger   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay : embarrasing time (Do I answer the prompt? feedback) crit back [15]

With my own actions, I had put myself in a jail because I could not go against the promise I had made to my groupmates. I needed to find a way to erase my inhibitions. In the crux of it all, I found the key. If I could only pass through the door, I would be erased of my inhibitions. When I discovered the key, I was not shocked at my discovery. Instead, I was amazed at the simplicity of it.

This paragraph can be tightened more. The metaphor of the key and the door was hard to understand until I went back after finishing the next paragraph. I also felt that the timeline of the project (Tuesday...Wednesday..) dragged on a little. The describing of what you and your teammates could easily be condensed into two paragraphs.

Love your conclusion! Way to wrap things up!
keilinger   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / My sister teaching me how to read - Princeton Supplement [4]

I can definitely relate to this- My sister taught me to read too!

mind, who I thought about while gathering responses from my friends.
I think it's "whom".

Like Kevin and saadish, I thought the first paragraph was just slightly awkward, but overall, it's good writing that shows your eagerness to learn even at four.
keilinger   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP essay, how does it look? Improvements? [4]

minister-->distribute
a look of disappointed-->could be worded better. What about: "The team feared the first child's disappointment."?
The next little girl was handed a bag and the same expression followed. This repeated until the very last child.--> sounds flat.
wondered how is that-->how it was that
goodbyes were said the team--> and the team

This is a great essay in that it shows your awareness of the world around you. Be on the lookout for superfluousness (is that a word..?). Basically, any description you can trim, trim. I felt there was a lot of telling, which might be necessary for clarification of what's going on, but if you add key words that emphasize your feelings, your descriptions are less likely to be tagged as being a list of events.
keilinger   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I love psychology -Cornell supp [7]

Thanks, guys. I'm also worried that the reference to Hitchhiker's Galaxy won't work, and that would just suck, since it's right at the ending.
keilinger   
Jan 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Whats up roommate? kind of essay [4]

These past four was hard work was it not?

past four years
work,was

Both of us deserve an applause for all the hard works we have been through.

I really don't like this. Sounds a little conceited and (literally) self-congratulatory. I know what you mean, but rephrase it.

I am sure that you too find (...) sweat lost in the process.

Tie this to the prompt. While your roommate may want to know why you chose Babson, this paragraph seemed out of place. Your last paragraph is excellent, and I think you can get another paragraph out of it by going into more depth with the points you make there.
keilinger   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Sentence structure problem, a rough beginning (liberal arts career) [3]

long anticipated the pursuit of a career in the liberal arts.

^ This sounds really stiff. "I have always wanted to pursue a career in the liberal arts." would sound smoother and more honest.

relevant colleges, <--awkward

Try writing like you talk, then fix the structure and spiffy it up with more formal diction. I find that doing that helps me avoid some of the overly-formal, over-the-top awkwardness.
keilinger   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / need to make it more concise (my application process to pharmacy schools) [5]

Your response could be greatly improved if it were more specific. Just a sentence about a particular event or activity would do.

"I ardently believe that the most important thing to success in pharmacy school is managing time wisely. I have mastered this well." <--All this can be deleted to make the writing more concise.
keilinger   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Honor Code essay. How do I make this more fun to read? [4]

The Honor Code at Haverford creates an environment of deep trust, respect, and collegiality between professors and students which, in turn, fosters open dialogue and free intellectual exchange. Talk about the conditions you think are essential to allowing this type of dialogue and exchange in both academic and non-academic settings.

Last September, Mr. S----- began leaping from the corner of one desk to another. Vault, spring off, vault, spring off. He gets two desks in two seconds. What other teacher would have put on a frenzied show to teach his students about the carefully calculated impulses of the body's neurological action potential? 70 mV means resting potential, so the lights ought to be off and the frenzied activity ceases. At -55 mV, the action potential occurs. You know this because he shouts, "Here comes the sodium!" and starts leaping sprightly onto desks again. It is a five minute aerobic workout for him, but my classmates and I will remember what an action potential is for the next ten years.

When teachers clearly care about their students' personal and academic success, an atmosphere of mutual respect and trust is created. Mr. S----'s passion for teaching is boundless, as are his respect and concern for his students. In the classroom, psychology concepts are linked to real life with examples from news articles and pop culture. He stops at nothing to educate and motivate his students. Outside the classroom, he demonstrates immeasurable patience in one-on-one review sessions. It is no question that teachers at L---- care about their students' success; knowing this inspires and empowers my peers and me.

Openness is another key to the creation of the ideal learning environment. Honesty, both on the part of teachers and students, opens the doors to a classroom environment based on mutual trust and respect. My current Government and Politics teacher, Mr. J------, constantly reminds us to speak up when he isn't clear in his lectures. This past Halloween, he offered what I felt was an unnecessary apology to our class for his teaching quality in comparison to teachers who have been at L---- for decades, "I know having an inexperienced teacher is hard. You can ask tons of questions to my colleagues in the department, and they have the answers. I'm still learning. It takes me time to get back to you guys with answers to all your questions." He then proceeded to give us Halloween candy, as something of a consolation prize.

But I never felt that I lost the teacher lottery with Mr. J------. His open honesty touches us everyday. In turn, we are encouraged to be more open with him. Questions keep coming, despite the 24-hour turnaround for answers. Hypotheticals are posited. Suggestions for how to make the class more efficient abound. We partake in class debates, and we have learned to respectfully disagree with each other. My peers and I feel an inalienable sense of duty in Government and Politics, tied right into the themes of the class. We have learned to exercise our voice, to shape our own educational experience. The sense of efficacy given to us by the open atmosphere of the classroom has made for an incredible learning experience.

Despite budget cuts that threaten at the start of each semester, L---- has not ceased to provide an incredible learning environment. My high school years have been a phenomenal period of intellectual and personal growth, because my fellow classmates and I have always been pushed to work in equal cooperation with teachers and with each other. Our childlike curiosity has been nurtured at the same time that we have been pushed to grow into mature and responsible adults. At my high school, the adults are consciously and intentionally building a community based on mutual respect. After having spent four years here, I have internalized the values of my role models at school; my vision of a utopian community is one in which compassion marks every human interaction and honest and open communication is the norm. Haverford is it.
keilinger   
Feb 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Why I love psychology -Cornell supp [7]

I wound up using this as my Common App essay for most schools, except Cornell, but I'd like some additional feedback. I guess this is college-decisions anxiety, but I've reread this many times and feel like it lacks humanity. In your opinion, did I put myself at a disadvantage by submitting something that I didn't pour my soul into?
keilinger   
Feb 12, 2010
Writing Feedback / Why Life Insurance important? - It has many benefits [6]

defenitely-->
I did not realize how important it is until my grandmother passed away late last year.
It was a sudden death and of course, she didn't have life insurance
many of my uncles and mother are barely making ends meet.
My grandmother was cremated

Why go through life wondering " I should have got life insurance"

In this case, the part that follows "wondering" should be a question.
Luckily for my husband, my children and myself have life insurance.
pay-off-->pay off
keilinger   
Feb 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia Transfer essay, a sense of who you are (international student) [7]

When you say "Chinese-style arrogance," it sounds like you are putting down your race. And in a way, this is contrary to the point you're trying to make: getting past labels will help you learn.

Rather than treat other cultures as 'marginal', whom the traditional Chinese culture had maintained from the past, I started to view every culture in their own stance.

China maintained an isolationist attitude a long, long time ago, before you or I was born. How would this have a significant influence on you? Globalization has made the world so that it is easier than ever to connect with other countries, if not for business purposes, then for the purpose of understanding other cultures.

I started to question the irrational anti-Japanese propaganda in my country, which propaganda used to ignite my frantic and unreasonable anger against Japanese.

I'm not sure if this is a reference to the Nan Jing Massacre. If not, it needs to be clearer so that the person reviewing your application doesn't think you're ignoring an important issue. The Japanese government has yet to acknowledge and accept responsibility for what happened, and IMO, it's understandable that China is angry.

Good essay, on the whole. I always enjoy the theme of questioning your beliefs, and it's also a good one to write about for college.
keilinger   
Feb 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / It is unrealistic for people to work at the same company for their entire lives. [4]

"There are several reasons for my opinion"

For academic writing, it would be best to refrain from directly addressing your opinion. The reader assumes what you're writing is your opinion.

Related to ^:
"Another reason that I agree with the idea that it is" ---> It is also unrealistic ...because... Restructuring your sentence in this way (or any way that doesn't include the use of "I agree with") will make it more sophisticated.

"most ones"
Missing a word there.

"For example, they are able to meet different people regardless of race, class, and age."
Go deeper here. Why is this important? You mention that it helps you to know other people. How? You can talk about the value of having other perspectives in the workplace, but be more clear about why having diversity of opinion/experiences is important.

"Just as the saying goes: ""Where there is a will, there is a way." This isn't really related (though it does make a catchy transition to the next sentence! :))

Good work! Your essay is very well-organized, and that makes it easy to read. You can probably find statistics to support your point in the second body paragraph, and that would make a stronger argument than using one example.
keilinger   
Feb 15, 2010
Undergraduate / tufts second optional essay: house of cards [4]

What a creative ending!

"Our ability to escape and overcome these road-blocks makes us a successes or failures."
^ How true. I suppose I was expecting something about bouncing back from failures, but I like that you wrote about coping* with failures.

I was confused when you knocked over the box with the house of cards inside. Why would a house of cards be inside a box, and how come the house didn't collapse when you knocked into the box?
keilinger   
Feb 15, 2010
Undergraduate / As I journey through life I often asked myself, "What is my life purpose? Essay for Peace Corps [7]

called,

called "Ambition [..]

"We are the world"

"We Are the World"

Stockton isn't known for their wealthy neighborhood

Stockton isn't known for being a wealthy area

pairs

outfits

Pretty much,

This sounds too informal.

Narith, this is a really great essay. I got a good feeling for who you are through this essay, and I think the people with the organization will, too. My favorite part was reading about the homeless man; you do a good job of summarizing a touching story in a way that the reader understands its impact on you. Good luck.
keilinger   
Mar 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "Difficulty and Achievement" - Amherst Supplement Essay 1 [3]

a program that was founded by Dr.Bill Dorfman and Steve Anderson <---Unnecessary.

I decided I would take control of my life and removed the shadows from my picture, and it was not long before a clear image of what I wanted came to me. Each day my dreams become clearer to me. <--This is beautiful!

The deadlines for my applications arrived anxiously, and I was prepared. <--- The past tense sounds awkward here, since you would've written this BEFORE submitting.

I was no longer fearful because I knew that opportunities are often disguised as hard work so that most people don't recognize them. <--Agreed!

I would have liked more specifics on what the LEAP program was about. Perhaps you remember a piece of advice that was given to you during the program? This quote could be a transition to "After my first day of LEAP was over, I returned to my dorm overjoyed and happier than ever."
keilinger   
Mar 9, 2010
Undergraduate / courses I'm interested in are poles apart - psychology and engineering. [3]

"Course(s)" would indicate that you can write about more than one. I don't know if UCAS cares about style of writing, but if it's a straight-forward term-paper kind of writing, you could simply write about one or the other first, then write about how your interests are diverse and jump into the second subject. Conversely, you could join the two subjects together. Can you think of a situation where both physics and psychology are important? If you go this route, you can write about how humanities and science mix better than most people would think.

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