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Posts by hern255
Joined: Dec 9, 2009
Last Post: Jan 11, 2010
Threads: 13
Posts: 46  
From: El Salvador

Displayed posts: 59 / page 1 of 2
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hern255   
Jan 11, 2010
Undergraduate / best advice - what and why? [7]

Just amazing!!
One of the best essay I have ever read!
Keep writing so good!!
Good luck with your application and with your life! :D
hern255   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Best friend Monica - Someone important to me. [2]

This needs to be edited. Content, grammar, spelling... it will be very appreciated.
Thank you in advance.

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you

Through the travels of our existence, we meet many kinds of people; some go away, others stay for a while, and some others stay forever. In my life, in the last group there is my best friend Monica. To her are these lines.

Everything started by working in the same homework group; it was then that we clicked. We felt that incredible connection and we continued working together. Afterwards, we not only stayed together in classes when it was time to work in groups, but also during breaks. We realized that we had more in common than just the ideas on how to do homework. Time elapsed, and we became inseparable.

I remember the saying: "tell who you hang out with, and I will tell you who you are". This works perfectly with Monica and me, because her personality has imprinted a seal in me and when looking at her I have a real mirror of who I am.

Together, we learned what sharing is about. Everything I have, she can take: from a new colored pencil to the food I had for lunch.

She is the greatest model of honesty I have. I remember a time when we had a long struggle trying to convince some classmates that cheating in exams was not a good idea at all. We both shared the same opinion and tried to transmit it to our friends in school. Furthermore, she always tells me when I am doing something wrong, going straight to the point. Sometimes it was hard, because we are blind to our own errors, but because of her, I have learned to be tolerant.

She has also taught me how to be conscious. Her mom has raised her and her two brothers by herself. While they would demand her mother to buy a new pair of Nike shoes every year, Monica would refrain herself of asking her mom to buy a blouse for her in years. She confessed to me that she needed one, but she didn't want to make her mom feel bad for not having enough money to buy it.

Monica is my strongest support. She always has the right words to cheer me up. We understand each other so well that many times a silent glances exchange is enough to understand what the other is thinking. She has also taught me to be confident in myself. She believes in me more than anyone else; even when I failed to do so, she was there to make reborn my hope. I can hear her voice telling me: "You will do big things, I am sure of that. And I will be the happiest for your success".

Unlike family, which we do not chose; which ties are unbreakable and exist forever even if wanted or not, with friends it is different. They stays only if they want to, they are not bound to give love; they are not bound to bear your bad moments. With Monica I have learned that friendship is real, that true friendship exists and it is much better than I could have imagined it would be.
hern255   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / Sadness and bereavement ; "Poverty" / Issue of Importance. [3]

This is the first draft. It really needs to be edited!
Any suggestion or comment will help a lot!
Thank you

Choose an issue of importance to youïthe issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scopeïand write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Poverty


I clearly remember that down, when a storm hit us. It is the oldest that my mind keeps track of; however it is neither the first one nor the last one I have lived. I saw nothing but sadness in poor people's faces. Few hours of rain were enough to take with it many houses, farms, stores, and most importantly, souls.

Against the strength of Nature we all are weak; but my country is weaker because it is impoverished. To prove it we just have to see the cover of the newspapers in May each year, when the rainy station just begins.

In addition, there is an important aspect of poverty that should be taken into account. Poverty is often confused with the absence of material goods; however, poverty is also a crisis in human rights because indigence is aggravated by repression, discrimination, corruption, insecurity and violence, elements which define poverty as well as a lack of material goods.

It was hard to grow up among those images that with regrettable frequency were presented to me. Children cleaning windshields at traffic lights and begging for money to eat, complete families sleeping under a bridge, murders and extortions which meant the daily bread for many; and as if wasn't enough, after natural disasters, houses completely destroyed as if they were made out of paper, people walking along the streets which seem to be rivers; they go carrying everything they have, and sometimes what is worst, carrying on their arms a death son.

Nevertheless, what was impossible for me was grow up resigned to that. I cannot imagine a future where I am happy, ignoring this reality. Because what for some is an indistinguishable dot in the map, for me it is the greatest source of inspiration: El Salvador.

As a child, in the small world inside my head I wondered if someday my country would be better. I built a dream about a day when my country will not be associated with high rates of poverty, violence or insecurity; but with economic vitality, prominent tourism industry or good living conditions for everybody under the sky of what we call our country.

However, this is not only significant to me, but also to my generation, because it is us who have the big challenge to transform our country, to make it a better place. We have to work together, because these issues couldn't be solved right now with some action as giving financial assistance. A more complex proceeding from everybody is needed. We have to empower these people, to educate them, to make them more capable and responsible.

This is what motivates me every day. I know I have to get prepared in order to start drawing a better future. Now I dream about getting the highest education, coming back to my country and contributing with my work to make possible the dream which as a child one day I built.
hern255   
Jan 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "a broken home" - common app essay on a significant experience [3]

First sentence sounds awkward, you should try to change it. Maybe to change the word "ball". Also try to make it stronger.

much like my life would soon become as my parents gave up.

I don't know want you mean here!

Millie had to fight for herself much like I fought and still am fighting the battles in my day to day life.

Maybe be more specific why your everyday is a battle. Do you suffer an illness? do you have family problems?... how that experience helped you to be stronger?

I think you have a good topic, but try to improve the way you describe it, make it more fluent and soft, and more understandable to the reader.

Good luck
hern255   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Oh Yang! What a pity!
I couldn't sent you my essay last before the deadline! :(
It was very personal and I didn't want to post it here...
Well... anyway... THANK YOU SOOO MUUUCH FOR YOUR HELP!
Without you my essays would have been a disaster!
Now... I just have to wait for admissions decisions...

I wish you all the best! :)
Have a great day!
hern255   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Caltech essay. Unusual fun essay! [6]

Thank you guys!
I know it was terrible!!
It is just that I am not good with English and this essay is driving me crazy!!!
In addition, this particular prompt has been the worst for me!

Well, here is an edited version, please read it, and don't mind to be rude! I will understand!

I still have to add something at the end, I continue thinking...

READ ABOVE
hern255   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

THANK YOU SO MUCH YANG! YOU WERE A LOT OF HELP!

I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS APPROPIATE, BUT I WAS WONDERING IF MAYBE YOU COULD GIVE AN WAY TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE SO THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME A FEEDBACK IN SOMETHING THAT I DON'T WANT TO POST HERE! IT IS URGENT!

IF IT SOUNDS INAPPROPIATE TO YOU, JUST FORGET IT, PLEASE!

THANK YOU!
hern255   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech essay. Unusual fun essay! [6]

Any ccomment will help A LOT!
Today, last day! Please help!

Caltech students have long been known for their quirky sense of humor and creative pranks and for finding unusual ways to have fun. What is something that you find fun or humorous? (Please limit your response to 1500 characters or less)

Have you ever play with children?, have you ever been astonished by their unlimited imagination?
I have, and I can say that it is one of the activities that bring the most fun to my life.
I am an instructor of Algebra every Saturday in a project that is called Talented Youth Program of El Salvador. I work with children between 10 to 12 years old; this is something that I do just by the pleasure of it.

Every Saturday is a new challenge for me because you cannot have a child's attention for more than a few minutes without cracking a few jokes or jumping around a little. I have had to create games to teach them while playing; I still remember the "brick factory" I made up in order to teach them in tangible way how to solve the cube of a sum of two numbers.

It turns out that everything for them to enjoy the class is also fun for me. They are full of energy, happiness, eagerness to learn and they are able to transmit that energy to all people around them. They have impregnated my days with pure fun; their hilarious jokes and naive questions during the class made me to enjoy every single moment.
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / supplement: why Stanford? can i talk about something abstract ? [7]

I think I don't understand fully what you are trying to convey with this, however I can see that you focussed only on Stanford's aspects, but I think the promp is why do you think Stanford is good for YOU! You described why it is good for anybody, try to make this more personal!

Hope this help!
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "I hope to envision, to design and to execute" - Cornell - Why Engineering [12]

This is really good!

Only one thing, try to come uo with a better last sentece because the one you have is not bad, but it could be better and give your essay the quality of perfect!

Also, I agree with RHDFinney, 'capacity to be limitless' sounds awkward!

Overall it is a good job!

Good look! :)
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / The way I see myself: Stanford essay. To my roommate! [8]

Hey guys!
Thank you so so much for your inputs! I really appreciate it!
I think I get what you mean. And yes... I was trying to include as many aspects of me as I could; however maybe it is better to elaborate on a few of them. I took out the part where I list some of my sports and hobbies and I tried to elaborate on the other aspects.

I developed a paragraph for the "happy and care for others aspects", other for the "I am simple" aspect, other for the "dedicated" aspect and other for "importance of friend" aspect. Also I deleted some of the I's (they certainly were a lot!)

Do you think it is at least a little better?

rapoch:
I will think of a narrative story you adviced me and I will post an edited version later. Now I will gladly check your essay! :)
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech essay: Math and engineering [2]

ANY COMMENT OR SUGESTION WILL HELP!
Tell me what do you think about the content, please!
----

Interest in math, science, or engineering manifests itself in many forms. Caltech professor and Nobel Laureate Richard Feynman(1918-1988) explained, 'I'd make a motor, I'd make a gadget that would go off when something passed a photocell, I'd play around with selenium'; he was exploring his interest in science, as he put it, by 'piddling around all the time.' In a page, more or less, tell the Admissions Committee how you express your interest, curiosity, or excitement about math, science or engineering.

Before answering this question, you might ask those around you - family, friends, or teachers - how they see you as a mathematician, scientist or engineer. They may offer insightful observations!

Life without love is nothing.
But many could ask: how do you know when you are in love?
It's simple for those who have experienced it, because love is something that is felt, you can't describe it.
Fortunately, I have the pleasure to talk by my own experience; because in my life, I have felt love in many ways and shapes. Particularly, in these few lines I want to describe two of them: my love for Math and Engineering.

At the age of seven years, I won a Mathematical contest in my school and I represented my department at national level. That was how a teacher noticed my ability in the field. He invited me to attend some of his classes. For several years I took the Math class which corresponded to students three years older than me, which was no problem because my regular classes were in the morning and those were in the afternoon. The surprising thing for me was that not only did I understand everything, but also I enjoyed being there, I was captivated by the things I was learning. Some years later, I entered in a national mathematical program: the "Talented Youth Program of El Salvador". There I found my passion.

I went to classes in this program every Saturday and that activity became one important part in my life.
It was really nice to feel myself comfortable in these fields that many people rejected because of the difficulty. For me they were very interesting, they represented challenges. Sometimes I spent the whole week trying to solve one of those problems for homework. It was an engaging experience.

With the pass of the time my interest only grew and I became more involved in . I was selected to represent my country in some international competitions and I got more involved in the Math world. Now, solving problems has became a common activity in my schedule, I just have to take a book and I start to navigate in a fascinating trip. Because that is Math, you do not need much more than a pencil and a piece of paper, one unsolved and interesting problem, and you are done!

Besides that, I have to talk about my other interest: Engineering. Just as love, is difficult to explain where my interest comes from. But to be an engineer is something I have dreamed since I was a little child. I have always imagined myself as the creator of a really innovating aircraft, as the designer of new technologies to improve them, or as a contributor of a significant solution to an aerospace problem.

This interest has manifested in my life in a more inconspicuous way than Math, I only have what I had learned in internet or see in many documentaries in Discovery Channel.

What most motivates me is that being an engineer, I can also maintain alive my love for Math, because I know it is a big part of that.

This is a dream I feel I have to pursue, a love I have to conquer.
As love, it needs to be nourished; it deserves every kind of effort like going away from my family. But also a love is very rewarding; it gives strength to go on life.

This is real love; I will live it until the end.
---

Thank you so much!
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Serenity" - my favorite word - UVa essay [2]

The word is my favorite for those reasons, and more.

Because its unregularly use? I don't think until that moment you have say a single reason?

Often I will find myself in a hurry or stressed about something, whether it is school, work, family, friends, or athletics, this is when I wish I could achieve complete serenity.

Of course, such a goal is unachievable as stress is part of human nature. Sometimes stress can even help a person,

This seems contradictory since stress is kind of opposite to serenity and you should talk about how good serenity is.

You definitely need to rework on this, try to order your ideas and them write them. Also, look for a strong final sentence, THAT'S VERY IMPORTANT!

Hope it helps!
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / The way I see myself: Stanford essay. To my roommate! [8]

Please, help me with this!
Any comment or suggestion is welcome!

Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.

To my roommate:
This is me, the way I see myself.
I am a very happy person. Smiles come to my face in a spontaneous way. As I am happy, I love to see that people around me feel happy too; hence you must know in advance that if I see you gloomy or in one of those dark days, I will do everything in my hands to cheer you up and to draw a smile on you. Maybe sometimes I won't be able to help you overcome the problem, but its load will certainly feel slighter by sharing it with others.

I love to enjoy the simple things of life. I could spend hours staring at the perfect harmony of the moon with each of the surrounding stars. This takes me to anticipate you that astronomy images will be covering the wall by my bed. I am an astronomy lover.

I also love math and aeronautics. Besides that, some of my favorite activities are watching soccer and tennis, playing volleyball and reading.
When it comes to studies, you must know I am extremely dedicated. I put my duties in the foreground and I do them as well as I can. I already envision the long and sleepless night at Stanford. If you want, you can be part of them and we can make them more agreeable while, between some laughs and cups of coffee to keep us awake, we help each other on the homework.

I enjoy my free time as much as possible; I love to go out with friends and to have a great time just by their companionship.

Moreover, I like diversity. I think this is what makes life interesting. I have many different friends and I enjoy learning new things from each of them. Finally, I consider myself friendly and reliable.

I sincerely hope that you can be not only one of the new people I meet, but also one of my new friends.
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Red, my favorite color" - Common App Essay Draft- Needs critiquing [7]

This is really good!
I enjoyed reading it!
I think you should take the first prompt, it is more like a college question for a big essay would be. It would be definitely not an easy one and you present an accurate and creative answer for it!

Good job! :)
hern255   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / IM A BIG GIRL -Boston university essay [9]

I love your essay!
Your personality is vividly discribed!
Also, the way you describe you as big is wonderful!

I wish you the best in your apps!
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / When things didn´t go according to plan. MIT essay. [3]

Thank you so much! That was extemely helpful! :)
Grammar is not one of my strenghts!
I will correct it!

I would like you to criticize the content too! Please!
Do you think it is weak?

Regarding the first sentence, what do you think about: It was my first camp in the community help association "A roof for my country"? Is it useful?
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / When things didn´t go according to plan. MIT essay. [3]

Please I need help with this prompt! Tell me what do you think about the content!
Any editing of grammar, spelling, structure will be welcome!
Thank you in advance for your time! :)
---
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)

My first camp in the community help association "A roof for my country". The beneficiaries usually are extremely poor, living in the country side. We had three days to build a house and then went back to the city.

This project pretends not only build houses, but also provide the families a bit of happiness by sharing a good time with the volunteer builders. That was not difficult, this people is very friendly and obliging; they preferred for us to be comfortable at the table while they were eating on the floor. I learned to appreciate them a lot to the point of calling them "my family".

On the second day, my group had built the foundation of the house. However, when the leader came to supervise, we had a terrible disappointment: a minor mistake in measurements. That meant almost everything had to be rebuilt! Our task now was finishing the house in half the time it was supposed to. Big challenge! We could not destroy that family's hope for safe shelter. From there on, we multiplied our efforts. Even I did some duties meant to be done by men, but I didn't care.I would do whatever it takes to finish the house on time.

We were supposed to leave the community at 5:00pm, we finished the house exactly at 4:50pm.
Sleeplessness and fatigue were overshadowed by the happyness they showed while hugging us. I saw tears of joy streamed down the face of Lorena, the seven-year-old daugther.

That was priceless!
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "Virola", A time I used my creativity essay! [5]

Thank you for the feedback, it was very helpful!!

What do you think about the essay as a whole?
Please, any commnent will be appreciated! :)
Thanks!
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / 'aeronautical engineer' - Common app. main essay: character in fiction! [7]

Ok!
Thank you very much, Kevin. You were a lot of help!

What do you think about the essay as a whole?
And about the conclusion? I personally like the ending, but do you think it is weak?

Anybody else's comment would be much appreciated too!

Have a nice day! :)
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Ok yang!
Thanks a lot for your extremely helpfulfeedbacks!

Here it is the latest version. This is just about to be submitted because the deadline is soon!! Let me know if it needs further corrections! :)

---
Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs,school,community,city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

For many it may be an indistinguishable dot in the map, but for me is the greatest source of inspiration: El Salvador.

I grew up surrounded by images of poverty, unemployment, violence and natural disasters; but in the small world inside my head I wondered if someday my country would be better. I thought in one day being distinguished not for bad things, but for an economic vitality or a prominent tourism industry...

My family wasn't the poorest, but it was by no means wealthy. My parents have always ensured that anything we got was as a result of our own effort and with this they taught us that impossible is only what we do not try to make possible.

Bearing this in mind encouraged me to travel two hours every Saturday to go to a national math program. After a while, surprisingly I, the girl from an extremely small and not renowned school, was selected to represent my country in international competitions.

These experiences gave me a new vision of life. Standing on the stage, being praised for the seventh place my team got, I thought: I am here because I dreamt high.

Now, I dream about getting the highest education, come back to my country and contribute with my work to make possible the thought which as a child one day I had.

---

Have a nice day! :)
hern255   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]

Yeah! Now I get what you meant!

what is the driving force? the commitment? the program itself? be more specific! (that's what i meant in the first place)

I was talking about my passion; that's the driving force.

Here it is after some corrections:

SEE ABOVE

This is 106 words! Do you think the admission office is SO strict about the number of words?
The only possibilities I can see is taking out "and developing technologies to improve them" or "I would stay up late to see documentaries on TV". If necessary, which one do you think I should take out?

Thank you very much yang! I really appreciate your help! :)
hern255   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Virola", A time I used my creativity essay! [5]

This is my first draft so any comment, critique, spelling or grammar correction will be more than welcome!
Thank you for your time!

Tell us about a time you used your creativity. This could be something you made, a project that you led, an idea that you came up with, or pretty much anything else. (*) (200-250 words)

In an attempt to increase local tourism, the mayor launched a school contest; it consisted to present an innovative product to be sold in a fair. Then, I came up with: "Virola"

The name came from the old nickname of my hometown, the surname of the first family who settled there.
Using a 50 square centimeters board I created a wonderland. It is a diced table game simulating the map of my city, with its real attractions such as "Ichanmichen tourist center", the Hawaiian beverage fountain, the Krusty Crab restaurant, the Gossip hair salon, the Mr. John grocery store and many other places which in fact are real parts of the city but are described in a suggestive and quirky way.

In the game, each of these places represent a station where you can stop by and do things you would do in real life and at the same time you gain, lose or interchange points along your crossing through the city.

The fame of "Virola" was spread out to the surrounding cities and many people came to visit the fair. My classmates and I sold around 150 hand-made boards.

I think the success relied on the creative and captivating rules and on the authenticity of the stations; everybody who knew my city must have felt identified with everything they saw, and for those who didn't, since that day they do.

That day we won the contest, but beyond that, we had pure fun made with our own hands.

Thank you very much in advance! :)
hern255   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Music and sport..." - My common application essay... [17]

Hi poisonivy!
Yes!! I think you should take out one of them (either singing or volleyball) and focus in the activity you chose!
Also I am with cgnola about listing your many talents, eventough you say "modestly speaking", I don't think listing your many qualities is the best way to start!

But don't worry, I do perceive your passion about volleyball and singing, and I think it is enough to write a whole essay about either of them!

Just focus!!
I was given this advice, I think it might be useful to you now:
"Here is where your writing becomes excellent: one essay = one big idea, expressed in the first and last paragraphs, and supported by sub-ideas in the middle paragraphs."

Btw, I love solving olympiad math problems and volleyball too! :D

Good luck! :)

I will really appreciate if you take a look at my essay and tell me what do you think! Thank you!
hern255   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "attraction towards Mathematics" - MIT admission essay [12]

About the second essay:

I think you spend much time talking about passion; you should focus more in the question: which department or program at MIT...
Perhaps you should mention the department or program and them describe the reason which is your passion!

I am applying to MIT too! Maybe you could take a look at my essay and tell me what do you think! I am having a hard time with these prompts [b](extremely short answers)

Good luck :)
hern255   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / 'aeronautical engineer' - Common app. main essay: character in fiction! [7]

Please help me with this! The deadline is soon!!
Thank you very much!

Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.

---

Why are we here? Are we accomplishing our mission in this world?
Sometimes we approach any of these questions in an unproductive way; unable to answer it immediately, we throw it away in a second.
That happened to me until I met him. His name was Santiago.
I was given the book "The alchemist" as a birthday present, so I decided to read it. Actually I was not expecting much, but through my reading I was slowly captivated.

The novel tells the tale of Santiago. His parents had wanted him to become a priest. One afternoon, on a visit to his family, he had summoned up the courage to tell his father that he didn't want to become a priest. That he wanted to travel, it was his dream in life. "The people who come here have a lot of money to spend, so they can afford to travel", his father said, "among us, the only ones who travel are the shepherds."

"Well, then I will be a shepherd!"
That was the first approach that caused my admiration for him. Besides our common appeal to travel, there was something that caught more my attention: our difference in that he had the braveness to express what he really wished in life.

I had been very reserved in that aspect; until that day nobody had had even a clue about my secret fascination to airplanes. Maybe it was the fear to confess a goal that seemed hardly to conquer in this country due to the fact that there was not a university offering that major, aeronautical engineering, and to the widely spread fame of the difficulty of engineering by itself; of course I wasn't able to face the people's awareness of my defeat...

Captivated, I continued reading.
Dusk was falling as Santiago arrived with his herd at an abandoned and ruined church in the Andalusian fields, he decided to spend the night there; that night he had a dream, he dreamt about a treasure in the Pyramids in Egypt. What I admired the most of him was to have the courage to follow his dream.

In his journey, he sees the greatness of the world, and meets all kinds of exciting people like a king, a crystal merchant, an alchemist (from whom Santiago gets much of his knowledge) and her, Fatima, the love of his life.

At one point in the story, he hesitates to follow the dream because he didn't want to leave her, but in that moment was she who gave him the courage to continue. "You have make me gradually became part of you, that's why I want you to continue toward your goal. If I am really a part of your dream, you'll come back one day", she said.

By the end of the novel, he did find a treasure, however he discovered that "the real treasure lies where your heart belongs", and that the treasure was the journey itself, the discoveries he made, and the wisdom he acquired.

Through Santiago, I understood that in the deep of the heart people know their dream; however they are so accustomed to their lives, to the same people and things each day, that sometimes they don't see worthy to follow an ideal. But also I understood that it's the possibility of having a dream come true what makes life interesting.

There is one great truth on this planet: whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, you must pursue it, that's your mission on earth. What will make this world better is the people's happiness, to follow their dream until the end is the people's real obligation.

That may sound like an oversimplified thinking, but as Coelho states "simple things are the most valuable and only wise people appreciate them".

That day, when I finished reading the book, I got up. "Mom, I will be an aeronautical engineer". "In our country it is not possible, furthermore we don't have enough money. If you wish to study that, you would have to put aside the family, look for financial support and travel to other country", my mom said.

"Well, then I will leave".
hern255   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]

Essay #2:

I like your introduction, but then your essay loses intensity. Try to add something that shows how the experiences you have lived have shaped you, maybe by specific examples! That would be more touching!

Hopefully, in attending your university, I can add to its diversity and enrich its community by sharing my views and experiences. I could be the tiny black fish swimming eagerly among all the larger colorful ones.

This sounds like "Maybe I could contribute ...", that's not good, if you are not convinced you can contribute, you will not be able to convince the admission office. The conclusion is very important!

This is my point of view!
Hope this help! :)

Good luck!
hern255   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Business dream [4]

It would be useful if you give us the prompt!

I always tried to have money multiply rather than stay in pocket.

I think every businessperson does it! Make it more touching. Maybe you could refer it as the enterpreneur spirit...

After all, I realize struggling through all difficulties has developed the entrepreneur in me.

Perhaps you should be more specific about how did you overcome difficulties.

Rework on this, try to make it more engaging and vivid! If it is your dream and you feel passion, you will be able to do it!

Good luck! :)
hern255   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]

Thank you so much for your help! :)

these 2 statements kinda overlap. therefore, i'd suggest taking out the first one. or if you really wanna emphasize, then be more specific about the driving force so that you're not repeating.

I did it in order to emphasize. I don't understand what do you mean with being more spesific! :S
hern255   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Hi Yang!
I really appreciate your thorough response. That's so nice of you!

what! you change your shoes every year? How is that poor? I suggest you come up with a better example of poverty lol

I don't! It is just that as a child I got this stupid idea (I think from TV) that I must get new shoes each year to go to school.

not sure what you mean

How do you say when you live outside the capital city?

However, the theme of your new essay is unclear.
you first talk about poverty, then how hard work = compensation, then how you are influence by this philosophy and went all out for math, and finally, how you should dream big. Although it answers the prompt, I feel that it needs better connections between ideas.

That's is my problem! I don't know how to make a better connection of ideas. :S Any suggestion?

Find your main point. Whether it's your dad's philosophy of hard work, or your view to dream big, you need to write the rest of your essay according to it.

I would say the main point is the view to dream big. That's is why I wrote "the size of our dreams is the size of our achievements"; to make emphasis on that.

Do you think the whole essay needs to be rewritten? :S

Again thank you so much! :)
hern255   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Math. I have been part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador [14]

Here is an edited version!
Please tell me what do you think?'

Mathematics! Becoming part of the Talented Youth Program of El Salvador introduced me to a fascinating world. This is a program for people who enjoy Math just by the pleasure its study brings. I feel utter joy when after some cups of coffee and many hours of countless attempts, the sparkly idea that kills the problem finally comes. It is an intense and engaging experience. The best thing is that the farther I go, the more captivated I am by this astonishing world of rigorous fantasy we call mathematics.

Thanj you so much in advance!
hern255   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Thank you so much for make me to hate my own essays and lead me to improve them! :)

I reworked on the prompt, and here is what I got. Once again, I will appreciate constructive criticals.

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs,school,community,city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

Children selling candies on streets, entire families sleeping under bridges affirm once again that El Salvador has the highest level of poverty in the region.

Is hard to see that a few hours of unceasing rain were enough to cause millions of damages to thousands of houses and to end with the lives of more than 180 salvadorans who had a common characteristic: they were poor. Against the nature we all are weak; but my country is weaker because is poor.

As a child, I didn't understand why I couldn't get the new Barbie in the market or why I had to reuse the last year sport shoes. Certainly, my family wasn't the poorest, but it was by no means wealthy. My parents have always ensured that anything we got was as a result of our own effort.

Later, knowing about the importance of effort encouraged me to travel two hours every Saturday to go to a national math program. Surprisingly I, the girl from an extremely small and modest school in the interior, was selected to represent my country in international competitions.

These experiences gave me a new vision of life. When standing on the stage, praising the seventh place we had gotten, I thought: I am here because I dreamt high, "the size of our dreams is the size of our achievements".

Now, I dream the biggest. I dream about the highest education, come back to my country and contribute somehow to make it a better place.

---
249 words.
At least this time, I did it well with the number o words XD

Thank you for your time!

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