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Posts by gemma2345
Joined: Dec 19, 2009
Last Post: Dec 25, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 12  
From: Nigeria

Displayed posts: 17
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gemma2345   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / "This is Sallyport Arch." - What motivated you to apply to Rice University? [4]

I think that you have a nice first draft. I think that the whole argument about research might be a little generic. Everyone knows that Rice University has a good engineering department as well as superb undergraduate research but so does a couple of other colleges. You have to be more specific in some way. Overall, I like the direction of your essay!
gemma2345   
Feb 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

you know what?? i think u should emphasize on your determination to learn volleyball and how u became good at it. then, connect it to your determination to achieve your dreams. so instead of writing " i willl run" as the last sentence, right something like "i am determined and i will do what ever it takes to achieve my dream"..it doesnt have to be like that but i think that you understand where i'm going with this.

Goodluck:)
gemma2345   
Feb 21, 2010
Undergraduate / A Second Chance - UniChicago supplement essay:why u chicago and why chicago [3]

"Why don't you take a look at the University of Chicago?" my father asked. At that moment, that wasn't the most attractive idea. I had never thought about the University of Chicago as a prospective school. When my father noticed that I was hesitant, he withdrew saying that it all depended on what I wanted or preferred. That night when my father left, I decided to look up the University of Chicago on the internet. What was most obvious about the University of Chicago was its academic diversity. "Every school has that!" I thought to myself, trying to justify my ignorance about the school. As an international student, it is of utmost importance to me to attend a school that caters to all my interests, structures itself around people like me and would help nurture my talents. University of Chicago surprisingly provides all these.

The University of Chicago with its welcoming environment, culturally rich and ethnically diverse community of students and eclectic academic courses is the perfect place for me. Being born and raised in the most populous country in Africa, I grew up amidst poverty and squalor. I was inspired by my father, who as a doctor dedicated his life to helping and saving the lives of the Nigerian people. My first dream as a child and now as a teenager has been inspired by my determination to make my country and its people better. This dream has given me a definite and straight- forward outlook on life and plays a major part on who I am today and what I represent as a person. I strongly believe that the University of Chicago is the first step towards achieving that dream. The University Community Service Centre promises to educate me better on the best ways to help my country. I hope to share ample ideas and also obtain useful ideas from the members of this wonderful organization. Their success in helping the people of the world by founding voluntary organizations that deal with world health issues has greatly inspired me. And then the obvious question arises, "why Chicago?" Visiting Chicago in 2008 was a life changing experience. Out of all the cities in America it struck a chord inside of me. Apart from its amazing skyline, I am inspired by everything it represents. However, what stands out for me is its evolution. It has been able to develop itself, from a small city, near a portage between the Great lakes and Mississippi river water shed to a major transportation and communication hub in North America. It was able to rebuild itself and grow even after the tragedy of the Great Chicago fires in 1871. Chicago's ability to develop and reinvent itself represents qualities which I have always strived to attain in my life. The intimate and special bond shared between me and this great city naturally makes it the best place to pursue my dreams and achieve my goals. I look forward to chasing my dreams at the University Of Chicago.

what do u guys think?
gemma2345   
Feb 21, 2010
Writing Feedback / A point to believe - Can anyone help me to short my creative essay? [15]

well, i like the whole point of the essay, overall it is good. however, i think that u have a lot of things going on in this essay. try to make it abt one thing. there's also alot of "i am's"...u are scientific, u like to run, u are smiley(smiling), surprised..e.c.t,,try to make all these points come together to explain why u like volley ball, or jst delete them if u cant.

you should also try to stick to one tense..u always transition from past to present or vice versa. Also try to indicate your antecedent in every sentence.

i hope this helps. Goodluck
gemma2345   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / uchicago extended essay: write about something that you have outgrown [3]

Prompt:write an essay about something you've outgrown before you had a replacement- a friend, a political philosophy, a favourite culture or anything that has an infleunce on you- what if anything has taken its place?

Growing up in Kano, despite all the riots and religious fights, was the most wonderful experience of my life. I had made irreplaceable friends and learnt new cultures and traditions. That was why it hurt when my father announced that we were moving. Leaving Kano was the hardest thing I had ever done. "I was going to miss the cold dusty harmattan wind" I thought to myself, but most of all, I was going to miss my friends. We had created unforgettable memories together and it hurt that I had to leave.

At first, moving to Abuja seemed like the worst idea. I was the new girl who always kept to herself and refused to be friends with anyone. I tried to call my friends in Kano, but after sometime it became very hard to keep in touch because they had all moved to different places all over the world.

After sometime, we all began to fall apart. We all had different lives, new friends and new priorities. At a time in my life, the idea of being separated from my friends would have been devastating. However, I realize now that we have all outgrown each other. Although we had been separated rather suddenly, we had all moved on with our lives. Meeting in the future, we might not even recognize each other.

For me, Abuja has become my new life. I have new friends who now mean the world to me.

i need help you guys...
gemma2345   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Tufts required essay- describe the environment in which you were raised. [4]

Prompt:There is a quaker saying :let your life speak". Describe the environment in which you were raised- your family, home,neighbourhood or community- and how it infleunced the perosn you are today.

As I walked down the dirt path, I saw children wearing tattered clothes; their stomachs swollen from malnutrition. I saw women hawking foodstuffs on the streets to earn a living. "My daughter, please help me" said an old. As I reached for some money in my purse, I made a silent promise that I was going to put a smile on people's faces. I was going to save my country somehow.

Born and raised in the most populous country in Africa, I watched people suffer without help and I watched people live in fear of their lives. Being fortunate enough to be born into a family that had the means to take care of me, I have always strived to help the people of my country in any way that I could. My first dreams as a child and now as a teenager have been greatly inspired by my determination to make my country and its people better. This dream has given me a definite and straight- forward outlook on life and plays a major part on who I am today and what I represent as a person.

Following and achieving my dreams have been my primary goal in life.

this is only a draft. i'd really like to know what you guys think..thank you!
gemma2345   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Optional essay: My Goal in Life [4]

i love your essay but i think that this should be page 100 or something at the beginning of your story. i also posted a upenn optional essay..i'd love it if you could read mine!
gemma2345   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "collaboration with the minitry of health": page 217 of my autobiography [2]

Prompt: write page 217 of your 300 paged autobiography

Looking around the hospital, I felt fulfilled. I had spent many years building this hospital and with the help of my very supportive husband, I had completed it .

This was the third hospital I had built over the years. For fifteen years I concentrated on improving my country and other select countries in Africa. By building more hospitals with modern facilities, I was able to reduce the rate of maternal and infant mortality very drastically. I also established various voluntary organizations that concentrated on various aspects of my country's problems. The environmental organization which aimed at providing a cleaner and healthier environment helped me to reduce malaria to the minimum. I had also spent many years providing free education and public health for the people of Nigeria in collaboration with the minitry of health. With the help of the Nigerian government, I was able to improve the medical system in Nigeria.

All the years I had toiled to achieve my dreams were behind me and my past seemed like a distant memory. However, my mind kept drifting to a particular place in my past...the University of Pennsylvania. "U-Penn" I thought to myself. Looking back now, I wonder where I'd have been right now without that wonderful school.

The University of Pennsylvania had shaped my dreams into reality. It made me realize that I had ample opportunities to make a difference in the lives of others. It empowered me not only to succeed with a personal and professional life but also to make a positive impact on my country and the world in general.

"Doctor", a nurse called as she gently tapped my hand, pulling me away from my thoughts. "A patient has just arrived with cardiopulmonary arrest" she said. It was time to do what I loved the most; what U-Penn had thought me how to do best- save a person's life.

this is my second draft..i'd like to know what you guys think
gemma2345   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]

your essay really caught my attention, however i think that your whole approch should be for a tottally different essay. the first paragraph is nice but after that you should have been more specific.also watch out for the grammatical errors. they can bring you down.
gemma2345   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "the endless pain of the ballet" - Common Application Main Essay [3]

[Good ending. The biggest concern is just grammar and sentence structure

i agree with element_g... apart from the grammar i think your essay is nice and i like your approach.Now that i think of it, you're only supposed to have one main essay on common application. i dont think that its allowed to have more than one but you should find out in case i'm wrong
gemma2345   
Dec 21, 2009
Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [44]

i cant get on the website: i got suspended, do not understand what is wrong

help! i got suspended from the website. i understand that you get suspended when you have commited an offence, however i do not recall intentionally breaking any of the rules. i apologize if i have broken any of the website's rules. is there anyway i can be allowed back on the website? my user name is ginny2345
gemma2345   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / A Night of Revelations,GWU:what infleuced you to apply to george washington uni. [NEW]

A Night of Revelations

"Why don't you try the George Washington University?" my father asked. At that moment that was the worst idea, I ever heard. I had never thought about George Washington University as one of my prospective schools .NEVER. When my father noticed that I was hesitant, he withdrew saying that it all depended on what I wanted or what I preferred. Thinking back right now, I laugh at myself for being so ignorant and judging. That night when my father left, I never even considered searching or finding out more about the George Washington University. I fell into a deep restless nap.

"My revelation" as I like to call it, was by chance. I had been searching for a particular store in Washington, when I was mistakenly linked, to the George Washington university website. My first instinct was to close the page; however, I decided that there was no harm in exploring a little. I began to look at the various schools and its majors. Although I was inspired to apply for many reasons, I was mostly influenced by its wide range of academic diversity. As a student from Africa (Nigeria), it has always been very important to me to attend a school that catered to me, structured itself around people like me and would nurture my talents.

The school of public health and health services especially catered to this dream. Being born and raised in the most populous country in Africa, I grew up amidst poverty and squalor. I was inspired by my father, who as a doctor dedicated his life to helping and saving the lives of the Nigerian people.My dreams as a child and now as a teenager has been inspired by my determination to make my country and its people better. This dream has given me a definite and straight- forward outlook on life and plays a major part of which I am today and what I represent as a person. Devoting all my life into making my country better, has been my primary goal in life. The George Washington University, I strongly believe is the first step towards achieving this dream.

The importance and relevance of public health to me and my country in particular, has greatly inspired me to pursue my dreams by applying to the school of public health and services. I intend to nurture this dream with the university's unique academic programs and its wonderful and diverse selection of teachers. Also, I have to point out that the university's environment presents such a diverse and comfortable feel that guarantees an interesting life for me.

I heard my name being called from a distance. "Wake up... It's almost midday!" prodded my mother. I woke up from my from my dream smiling. At that moment, it became clear to me that I had to do one thing.

Apply to the George Washington University!

i am not sure about the approach i used to answer this question..to be honest i think this is wack...i just need to know what you all think. how can i improve my essay and writing skills?..i really need help with this essay!!
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