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Posts by aikd80cn
Joined: Dec 23, 2009
Last Post: Dec 29, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 18  

From: Iran

Displayed posts: 22
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Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Reverie - NYU supplement - 2050 movie on your life [9]

I dont like how NYU asks such a question in a very small word limit,
but great essay! you cant get better than this on something fictional and short , its like the summary of a book on its back page

for the drug allows complete control of the dream

shouldnt it be allowed?

Fall deeply and into whichever

u can remove 'and'

Picture a memory. Think of a lover, a lost loved one

u can summarize: "picture a memory, a lover, a lost one and your mind will create it.

the roaring stopped

the roars stopped

i think that should get you close to your word limit. are u going to include the title 'reverie'? i think u can just start with "2020 : ..."

Great essay in return can you revise this essay? its not too long
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown supplement: inspired by The Cloudspotter's Guide [5]

the more I learn, the more I know it

this sounds a bit strange. is it a catch phrase or some sort? how about : "the more i learn, the thirstier i get for more" or something like that...

but it isn't bad

you have already said that 'boring isnt bad' once

This is a really good essay! good job, i think you pretty much say what the questions asks...
it would be great if u could revise my essay, its not too long
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Barnard: Journaling, War, The Little Prince, and Why Barnard? [5]

forced into sexual slavery have developed an idea

i think u can also say " have grown hopeless that... "

due to lack of funding and lack of awareness

are these the only important reasons? if they are , then its fine...

fight sex trafficking and defend Innocence

'and defend the innocent' is better, but it doesnt match your next sentence. but i dont think u need the next sentence. also i would use 'protect' instaed of 'defend'

Good job ! they look much better. hey can you give some comments about this essay of mine? and of course, ask me to look one of yours.
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / What was the best advice you've ever been given and why? [8]

It has been repeated by those wise persons who have stepped before us and those who step along side us, wishing and hoping for us to do our best

you dont really need this, u can use the space elsewhere

intellectually, socially and mentally.

would u agree that intellectually is the same concept as mentally?

The message is a note worthy one

never heard 'note worthy' ... if u have then its fine ! , but if not u could say: The message is worth pointing out , or worth noticing

my local newspaper, El Correo

take out the comma

approach to learning

approach to education, or educating

After learning about the Bree mission

use 'reading' instead of learning, first cause it doesnt sound familiar, second that u mention 'learning' twice in that sentence

me to gain exposure to college

what does this mean?

At Bree I would encounter even more rigorous work than what I was undertaking in honors classes; still, I felt the experience would be worthwhile

the verb tense doesnt seem right here,u should say: at bree i encountered ...

as a result have been exposed to material of a high caliber

as a result I have ...

to ask questions of authors and classmates

do u mean ask questions 'from' authors?

I have conducted an experiment and written a scientific paper, learned how to find derivatives and pondered Hobbes' theory on the state of nature

make this more clear, a scientific paper on what? derivatives of what? im not sure if the reader will know about hobbes theory

to pursue Bree Queens as much as I did.

the 'as much as i did' part doesnt make sense, what do u mean?

good essay, i like how your expressions.
i hope my feedback was useful, in return can you comment on my essay?
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / to become a cardiac surgeon - Wellesley College [2]

Its a good essay, but i think you can make it better by:
getting directly to the point in the two paragraphs, i feel like u can summarize them in acouple of sentences. you should reaplace this:

Going through a list of colleges, which were suggested by my school counselor before I began my application process, I noticed Wellesley College; an institution I had never heard of. Immediately, I searched it on the internet. Wellesley homepage opened, immediately leaving me puzzled

with something more catchy and interesting. this doesnt mention a specific thing about you or the school

Although the reality show and its impact on you should be mentioned, still i would say it is more a motive than a reason to apply. you should write more about the college and yourself, and pin point very specific things and programs you like, for example how you mentioned that a co-ed community will distract you and bla bla . go in the website and put some good amount of time to really dig out some stuff you like, and mention them and why you like them

as i read along the essay you seemed to develop more solid reasons and arguments. since you have limited space you should keep in mind that you have to continuously make meaningful points, from the beginning to the end...

hope it was useful!
could you comment on my essay?
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / elaborate an activity - Red Cross First Aid Course - [6]

Thanks! makeup, the stuff we use to fake injuries :P kind of similar to the make up women (and some men) use. blood and gelatin and stuff...should i make it more clear? i have like 3 words...
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Barnard: Journaling, War, The Little Prince, and Why Barnard? [5]

I have seen how words have the healing power of mending hearts and easing pain

i dont think u need 'healing' there, cause u already say mending and easing...

I have seen how words have the healing power of mending hearts and easing pain. I have also seen how words

u repeat "I have seen how words" twice, maybe u could use they in the next sentence , although i understand you want the words to be chosen carefully so the essay sound kind of 'poetical' , if u know what i mean...

Words are such fragile things

can u find another word for 'things'?

something that is essential to my life

how about" something essential to my life" ?

When I write, I feel as if I enter a sort of breathing room, in which anything is permissible and where all things are possible

i dont think the concept of 'breathing room' is clear...

the first essay is beautiful, and it is very hard to try to correct or comment since there is not measure to judge you with, as u are writing in your own style. But u mention everything to the point and i think u give a good answer

As easily as wars are started by words, they can be solved by words.

are they? really?

If opposing sides took the time to sit down and talk their differences and issues out, I truly believe guns and bombs would be unnecessary

i dont think a politician or an authority would even want to hear this. war is a way of mankind, very sadly.

I think countries get too impatient with each other and are quick to pick up the sword rather than use the pen

however i love this sentence... the power of the pen. this is a famous quote:
Bulwer-Lytton: The pen is mightier than the sword.

should get lessons in humanity-

this sounds a bit akward

its a good essay, but its very cliche . unless u dont have a very specific and strong argument against war, maybe you should try another essay. and of course in that one as well, u should have a core argument

I would bring up the issue of war and how unnecessary it is

hehe, coming to think of it, obama gave a raelly good speech for his noble prize about this, u might have heard

i cant comment on the 3rd one, i think its really good!

the 4th essay has a good second paragraph. u spend too many words describing ur sister and what u did when u were little. I dont think u even need that. try writing some lines about what barnard specifically possesses that attracts you. and you should also involve perhaps one or two more aspects about ur interest in barnard, the academics ...athletics...anything . you only wrote one sentence about barnard itself, while the whole essay should be a mixture of you and barnard.

good luck! i admire your writing. I hope my feedback is useful
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / elaborate an activity - Red Cross First Aid Course - [6]

Thank you Dawn,
the serbian national team has been the european champion since we started giving them one-week intense training programs, we are quite proud of that, but you made me realize that i should make it more subjective.
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "Community and Equity as a battey and its charger" - Lehigh supplement [5]

This is the lehigh supplement asking to define community and equity and their implications in a 21st century society.

Community and equity resemble a battery and a charger; without the battery the charger has no meaning and without the charger the battery is not durable. In a 21st century community, equity holds the members together to reach their goal; one could argue that equity defines a modern community. A community, a gathering for a common purpose under specified agreements, needs its members to be empowered and motivated with equity as a filter though which they are looked upon the same. However equity relies on subjective perception to whether a member accepts the state of equity in his community. Striving for equity is one of mankind's never ending attempts to perfection, as people's identities obstruct the path to equity. The key to many possibilities in this world is one's identity, a feature praised so heavily by humans that is impossible to leave behind. For example if diversity was to be defined by characteristics not identities, the meaning of equity in that community would be stronger.

any comments are welcome
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / elaborate an activity - Red Cross First Aid Course - [6]

This is the common app essay that wants us to elaborate on an activity in 150 words.
RCNUWC is my school, just so u dotn get confused.

Red Cross Nordic UWC First Aid is a professional course in which thirty students learn and practice their first aid skills. Almost all sessions include a number of realistic scenarios in which students act as casualties and first aiders and help to prepare the setting and makeup. Our coaches finish the session with a debriefing. I have even had the experience of teaching first aid; every year we give training sessions to the Serbian National team and a local Norwegian team. I really enjoy this activity; I am responsible as a first aider on campus and have had many experiences helping people inside and outside campus, from simple cuts to panic attacks. I have been able to strengthen my leadership and collaboration skills, as well as my responsiveness and creative thinking. I know that I will feel even more proud when I receive my official Red Cross Certificate.

any comments?
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Lafayette? - "diversity and academics at lafayette" [4]

this is jsut about the size it should be. any comments are welcome ;)
it asks why i chose lafayette

The academic curriculum is perfect for me; a wide range of courses, a student to faculty ratio of 10:1. Lafayette's strong reputation for engineering stands honest; the highly competent faculty and superb facilities open new doors to undergraduate research. Work experience at Lafayette strengthens its tradition for post-graduate employment. I have always longed to do research and design projects, although I haven't been granted the opportunity, Lafayette opens doors to my intellectual maturity.
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Never Give Up On Yourself" - My Common Essay (i think it is awkward) [18]

I made transformation from a bad boy to a good one

I transformed from a bad boy into a good one , or u can say into 'a better one'

I would lapse into deep thought

'deep thoughts' is better

I didnt see anything else, this is a great essay! good job, and good luck,...
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "speaking your mind is very important" - U of Florida [13]

Do you guys have any suggestions how i can use the topic to describe how it can affect the college community?

Is this good material for the personal statement for all universities?
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "speaking your mind is very important" - U of Florida [13]

Yes thank you very much for your comments!

any more comments? any point that needs more explaining? anything would be helpful, and i will in return read your essays ;)
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / biology and the medical field, Why did you choose this major for Brown [8]

medical field will allow me to care for them as they transition into older age

"take care of them" , perhaps?

I know that there will be many times when they will need to go to the hospital to get check-ups and eventually they will get sick

this sentence is kind of a turn-off to the atmosphere you created, try soething catchy

I feel drawn to biology and the medical field because of the many difficulties that my family has faced

you need a stronger introductory sentence. this is just the "i like biology because this and this ad this" although your reasons are quite strong.

I think its a good essay, and you dont have much words to write either, but maybe u could involve one more aspect to why you would liek to study biology. I mean, its brown so this essay can make a difference.

so try considering rewriting these sentences:

I know that there will be many times when they will need to go to the hospital to get check-ups and eventually they will get sick. I hope that with a background in human biology, I will be able to understand medical jargon and give them some advice when considering treatment options. Therefore, I hope to have a future in the medical field at Brown University. (941/1000)

but still, just a suggestion ;)
good luck! i hope you get in!
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Northwestern? (exemplary professors and many research investigations) [5]

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

since there is a rule against copying things from other websites, maybe you should keep an eye out for this next time ;)


heaven? sounds appropriate


use a fancier word, something like method or even better

I even earned the opportunity to

im not sure if u can use 'earn' for 'opportunity'

I even earned the opportunity to propose my own research project, to the supervising professor

u dont need the comma in the middle
and u actually dont need the next one either, they make the sentence confusing

an undergraduate program that allows students to explore a research topic of their interest

since the admission office knows about this, its just a waste of ur word limit to explain it

this is a great essay, good job!
but u spend a lot of ur words on the academics .. perhaps focus a bit on other things, ie. athletics, diversity, bla bla . although u write some bit about the humanitarian organization and some other stuff, i think u can involve more aspects as well!
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / my career in the medical field - Common Application Essay [8]

This is almost a prefect essay

There it was front and center, poking out, causing so many stares

How about: "there it stood front and center,..." its just a suggestion, sounds right either way

For ten years of my life there were so many awkward moments

this sentences is a bit weak, although ur essay is pretty strong. since u said ur a good presenter, try come up with something catchy.

Fortunately, no permanent damage had been done, as far as I know, except for a broken front tooth. As I grew older, I often played with my gums, causing the tooth to become crooked and pointing straight out.

u can just drop these lines down to the next paragraph, that would make ur introduction very confusing, therefore it would suck the reader in.

It helped me

a tooth cant really help you :P , try : "it was indeed useful"

I had noticed many people I met staring at my tooth

i think this is a bit grammatically wrong, try: "i had noticed many people i met stare at my tooth"

One year later I moved to Dubai

i think its supposed to be : "we moved to dubai" , since u mention 'we' when u are leaving dubai as well , u have repeated this a couple of times, revise them


u dont need the 'and' here

good luck!
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "speaking your mind is very important" - U of Florida [13]

This is the personal essay to university of Florida, It is like a personal statement

Essay question: a meaningful experience, how it will affect ur college experience and ur contributions to UF community.

I was never the type of person to speak my mind. My answers and replies were often not what I wanted to say. It has cost me so much loss and pain throughout my life. I couldn't really handle myself anymore.

I didn't talk much either, especially around strangers. However my comments were appreciated. Only with a couple of people could I speak freely; at then I was energetic and lively. I felt silenced and rejected whenever I was too shy to speak, although I felt full of energy and words inside. The main reason I was shy was because the adult-oriented atmosphere I grew up in. My relatives were mostly grownups, so I didn't have much to do with them either. I know many children with the same problem.

Weak self-confidence was the other problem. I have always been severely criticized for both of them, mainly by my mother, but most excruciatingly by myself. I didn't know how to control it. Shyness in today's world is destructive. I had tried escaping from it by going to a summer camp. Escaping from your problems never helps. Although the summer camp was the best experience of my life, if I had been less shy, I would have gained and even contributed much more to the community. I regret being shy in all those years.

I found hope in UWC, a new environment with people that don't know me. I was committed to change, but it wasn't long before I realized my efforts were futile. I grew hopeless realizing that change needs a long time to occur. However, now I realize that change can be fast, but rather painful.

One evening in UWC, I was preparing to watch a movie and rest my illness away. She opened the door, looking for my roommate. I couldn't remember if I had met her, I didn't even know her name. She then made me tea and watched the movie with me, which made me happy and very thankful.

From then it started, she tried to start a conversation whenever possible. Of course I didn't feel in any position to be annoyed by her, she was a second year after all. She would come in my room every day, with the excuse of looking for my roommate, but publicly tried to make connection with me during her visits. In Iran, I hadn't been exposed to this kind of behavior; I was completely naïve and of course, shy.

One day she offered to take a walk with me to a store. I didn't need anything to buy and had a workload, but of course, I ended up going. The offers never stopped, by then I knew what was happening. Before I knew it, we had kissed. I didn't want to walk into this any further, but she, being two years older, had completely dominated the scene. It hadn't even been two weeks since the movie night that she offered me a massage. It didn't seem like a big deal at first, massaging for charities is quite common in UWC. After the massage she whispered "Look, I can be there for you if you want me to". I froze for a moment and felt incredibly nervous and weak. I was questioning myself whether to give in, to leave all my beliefs and my dignity aside.

"No" I said. She asked me if I was sure, trying to tempt me, but I assured her.
I never got bothered by her again and managed to catch on what I had missed on. Social life has felt much better, and fairer.

Not only is it important to know when to say no, but it is even more important to be able to say no. I have learnt that speaking your mind, no matter how harsh it may sound, is very important since no one else will say it for you, and it makes changes that affect your life. It is a lose-lose situation; the shy person will never be appreciated and the community will never make use of his positive inputs. Now when I look back, I realize that I was more afraid than shy. I remember whenever I tried to speak up, my attempts were weak because of my fear and I hoped to do better next time instead of continuing trying, so I never improved. This taught me another great lesson, to challenge our fears, for they obstruct us from maturity and growth. Our fears are perceived much bigger than they actually are. Once you overcome your fears you realize that all you needed is courage.

Since my progress, people have shown to become more interested in interacting with me than before. I have made more friends and I am admired among them for not giving in easily that night. I will, in my abilities, do my best to share this experience with other students if I feel that they can improve in the way that I did, I will encourage them to face their fears. Now that I feel more open, I see a much brighter future ahead of me.
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay-One of the weirdest things you may read [8]

As everyone said, its quite a new thing. almost too new, I think u should keep in mind that the admission office is the actual reader, although they asked you to write to your 'roommate'. but i really enjoyed it !