Writing Feedback / The important lesson is life. The best teachers for the life are parents. [4]

Generally, people should count( consider) their parents as their life's teacher.Because they had got more experienced life. They could teach us about life from their own practice. This information could be very useful. Cause, this information has been proven. People learn from their mistakes in their life not to make that mistake again. Therefore, children should learn from their parents to make fewer mistakes.

Because we learn from our parents experienced life, they could teach us about life from their own practice. This proven information has been very useful, results in learning not to make the same mistakes as they did.

Writing Feedback / "True beauty" is the good humanity [6]

Great start on your Essay

I believe true beauty is part of person personality going beyond caring for other people.

Writing Feedback / Should Humanitarian Aid be provided for illegal immigrants? [6]

Here's my updated version for this essay! Please review any feedback is greatly appreciated. Thank you all!

Because poor Mexican government doesn't provide illegal immigrants with better jobs and services like vocational programs to improve immigrant's lives, immigrants will continue to suffer the consequences lack of support for their families. American's enjoy freedom and liberty but it came at a price. It wasn't free. Our forefather's fought for our freedom and the way of life we enjoy now. They didn't do it with the idea that people too cowardly or too lazy to fight for those same freedoms could sneak illegally into either of our countries and steal our way of life from us and drive their future children and grandchildren...

Writing Feedback / Should Humanitarian Aid be provided for illegal immigrants? [6]

I pooled out what she wants but still I need to elaborate on the single sentences! I need ideas now, how I can work them?

A San Diego non-profit organization is justified in providing humanitarian aid to undocumented immigrants from Mexico.

Critics accuse the organizations of encouraging illegal activity when members leave water and blankets at stations in the desert for would-be immigrants who have crossed miles of desert to enter the United States across the border from Mexico. I assume that the critics of humanitarian aid for the immigrants believe that providing a drink of water to a person who is about to enter the United States illegally constitutes encouragement of law-breaking. Even if it does, and I am not sure that I am willing to grant that, it is better to err on the side of saving a life than on being right about legality.

Besides saving lives overrides issues of legality, giving humanitarian aid organization should monitor those illegal immigrants who poses no threat to society.

Good illegal immigrants are going to come over anyways. [Develop this into a full premise]

Before I answer my email I was working with the first sentence! Going basically with the first corrections that CJPHDhopeful mention, I thank you, greatly appreciate any constructive criticism.

Writing Feedback / Teenagers work while they are studying - argumentative essay [6]

I think working part-time, while attending school is a good working experience. Especially in these economics times that are difficult for gaining on hands experience.

Good job on essay!

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

I believe I got at 320 now! I will let you know if I was accepted or not. Thank you for all your suggestions.

My goal is to obtain a BS Degree at a university that specializes in biomedical technology. I'm committed to a field where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are warning signs of cancer-a disease my mother currently suffers from. This scholarship will help finance the proper training, supplies, and experience I need to fulfill my goal.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

I'm now playing with the words here try to shorten ones where I can be precise.

Today, my commitment is to obtain a Bachelors of Science Degree at a University specializes in biomedical technology. How will I become a master scientist without the financial assistance in proper training, educational equipment and tools? I'm very enthusiastic to continue studies in biomedical technology where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are the warning signs of cancer-a disease (bone marrow cancer) my mother currently suffers from. From this difficult experience, in my research studies I will formulate adverse effect for cancer and cell abnormalities so other people can benefit.

My word count update is at 631 with spaces.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

Yes, Sean it's the characters. I tried condensing my Essay in this rewrite.
1101 characters without spaces
with 1311.

Today, my vision in life is set to transfer and obtain my Bachelors of Science Degree at the University of California, Los Angeles. Without the financial assistance in living expenses, Tuition, books and supplies, transportation maintenance from the scholarship program I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times. I'm very enthusiastic to continue studies in biomedical technology where one examines human cellular material in search of abnormalities that are the warning signs of cancer-a disease (bone marrow cancer) my mother currently suffers from.From my experience in managing care for all my family member's medical hardships over the years such as My Mom suffering from Bone Marrow Cancer is most recent, My Dad's terminal cancer, who died in November 1999, and My Son born with a disability, Cerebral Palsy. My increased curiosity intrigues me to learn more about how symptoms can change the body chemistry and body, mind, and spirit and how it can also motivate one to overcome such illnesses. From these difficult experiences, I will be able to contribute my research and studies to formulate a treatment so other people can benefit relieving overcome their medical hardship. I wonder how the environmental surroundings may be a common factor.

Should I leave out the bold print or is there a way to shorten. Will they want me to explain the field I am studying or would they assume that I already know from my experience?

2nd rewrite without explainations.

Today, my vision in life is set to transfer and obtain my Bachelors of Science Degree at the University of California, Los Angeles. Without the financial assistance in living expenses, Tuition, books and supplies, transportation maintenance from the scholarship program I will not be able to continue with my educational goals especially in these hard economic times. From my experience in managing care for all my family member's medical hardships, I wonder how the environmental surroundings may be a common factor. From these difficult experiences, I will be able to contribute my research and studies to formulate a treatment so other people can benefit overcoming their medical hardship.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - My Perseverance Goal [8]

How can I initiate managing care for all my family membership medical hardships over the years such as My Mom suffering from Bone Marrow Cancer is most recent, My Dad's terminal cancer, who died in November 1999, and My Son born with a disability, Cerebral Palsy.

I feel my time is rushed to obtain my degree without means to support myself as single parent struggling.

My work is limited upon caring for my Mom, when will my break begin for landing my ideal job, work is a struggle while I'm attending school. I feel I'm rushed through time here getting ahead is hard. Matching my Mom's outgoing expense is a challenge. I have plenty of time taking courses for obtaining my degree, but I feel I'm rush because my Mom's life span is deteriorating. I know she may live another 10 years or 20 years, but how can I know?

I want to be stabilized financially before I'm in trouble here for the worse case scenario.

Book Reports / "the right stuff" book report. [5]

For the quotes you need to include the author to the page number,(author, 22) when you cite your paragraphs. I scheme through as I read and found many quotes in paragraphs that need author's name.

I'm unsure of the formatting details if this is regarding MLA, or APA style.

Essays / Help on thesis statement Subject: Greek heroism [13]

What do these heroes have in common?

Perhaps when you read and find a common thing, you can use a similar word to describe all of them in a thesis statement for example:

characteristics, traits, qualities etc.

Essays / In general, how to write a term paper? [15]

I know from experience it's hard to decide what topic and subject to write about. However I learn to form ideas from reading books, articles, and newspapers! Basically I form my own opinions in my Essays by setting examples.

I would explore topics, Brainstorm what you like to write about from what Subject?

Depending on your Course, normally the instructor will give you topics to write about! Or if a topic is one of your own be sure that you get approval from your instructor before going on!

Your instructor will give you guidelines for your Essay. We do need more specific details in your assignment in order for us to help you out.

Essays / "Ambition" essay - how to start it? [14]

I'm ambitious to share my thoughts on this subject. I hope it helps get you started. I agree with the above comments.

"I'm very ambitious student in accomplishing my goals in life. I will do everything that empowers me to become successful and overcome my obstacles."

Undergraduate / Goal setting is a powerful process; U Tirana/ AUBG (Broaden my global perspective) [4]

What's AUBG, If you know the meaning of the acronym I think it should be spelled out.

You can Spell out AUGB then afterwards place the Parenthesis (AUGB) then you can use acronym throughout the Essay.

I will continue reading but I may not be best person here in proofreading at this time. Yet, still improving those types of skills here.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Actually this site has help me come up with my own ideas from overview essays here. It prevented me from having writers block. Besides essays here, I also use the resources available to myself on campus like the writing center when it fits my schedule. When other resources don't fit, I place my essay here so I can meet my deadlines.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

Actually this site help me in many ways to overcome my barriers such as grammatical issues, organization, and preparation. Now, I'm preparing myself in taking course in Critical Thinking, but don't know if I'm ready though.

Writing Feedback / Critique my current event paper (English Critical Thinking class) [5]

In the first paragraph for the last sentence as your thesis, can be rewritten like this:

Many volcanic activities affected the environment and cause many fatalities.
I don't know if my writing has improved or not, but I hope that made sense. I'm practicing my analytical skills here to help my virtual friends.

I don't want to give out the wrong advice either! So if I see something I thought can be rewritten I'll share.

Grammar, Usage / A DIFFERENT way to say "going towards" [18]

How bout "moving in the right direction"

Grammar, Usage / Can I get away with recycling an old paper for a new assignment? [9]

I think you should try some other subject matter besides your old research paper.

At least you know how to do a research paper and that's a good thing. But now apply your research skills for another one, you will impress yourself and gain the benefits of learning.

WHY NOT BRAINSTORM FOR ANOTHER GOOD IDEA ON ANOTHER SUBJECT?

Your skills are transferable to be able to write. I agree with all the above comments, it's not a good idea for recycling an old paper.

Writing Feedback / What essential skills young people should have in our complex society? [14]

I thought you might add in the first paragraph (a comparison) the teenagers lifestyle compared to another age group life style. For example, an adult student has different lifestyle compared to young teenagers in our society.

Explain three pros and cons in supporting your debate for each side.

When I first read the 1st paragraph I thought there was going to be argument.

I'm getting back to writing again, so I hope that was helpful.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

From the top of my tongue I listed them in sharing my own detailed experience, so I apply them.

I had the thought, I made the connection. FYI, There is no listing involved, Kevin.

I was inspired to share.

Undergraduate / 'Off of an auto-pilot' - Bentley University Transfer Essay [6]

What past work experiences, skills, capabilities do you already have that you can bring onto campus?

Using past work or club experiences as examples can help! I would share three examples related to your field of interests.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

To add notes from above:

You may ask yourself, "Are you a follower or a leader?"

Describe yourself as a person like what qualities do you already have so you can apply them to specific career opportunity you're in search of.

Share traits:

Determination
nurturing
Responsible
people person
detail oriented
Assisting
Managing
independent
go-getter
patience
dedication
organize
devoted
care-giver
supervisor

Those words I describe may not be the ones you chosen, but I think it will describe the type of person you become, when you relate descriptive words to your career goals. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

I had ask the professor if I can improve my thesis she said Yes I can.

I wondering if this is a good improvement. I'm trying very hard not to be to wordy here, having trouble with parallelism here.

Main points: I want to include least disruptive live on all parties, psychological effects, getting access to records in sound way not to be disruptive.

Sometimes birthparents vs adoptive parents custody battles.
And or adoptee adult shows up on birthparents doorstep without any prior notice because birthparents fears, who remarries start over, so it can place a strain by surprise if partner was not open in relationship regarding adoption, adoptee adult could return back into their lives.

Thesis: Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parents/ adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents without disruption their current life, if they are available or willing, and if doing so won't cause the children any severe psychological damage.

I have some other trouble with a few sentences contradictory.

Children can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records, but the committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community.

Would it be different if I say something like this,

The committee of Elders feel this would cause problems in the community, if children can easily find out on their own by going to the Hall of Records.

After reading this one, How can I not confuse the reader on this sentence.

Importantly the majority of birth mothers' debates on adoption issue are those concerning of open adoption records and whether adult adoptees should have access to their adoption information.

should I change it like this

Importantly the majority of the birthmothers' argues whether adult adoptees should have access to biological parents adoption records on file keeping them open.

Another one sentence:
Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children shall have access to biological parental records in open and closed cases.

I tried to follow your earlier input, so I hope this sounds better.

Agencies are mediators between two parties reaching an agreement on whether or not the adopted children or professional representative shall have access to biological parental records due to medical illness. One biological parent give up their rights and consent is given or not given, the decision has been made by the biological parent the contract stands when signature are noted on the contract.

After these sentences I'm ready to put this away.

I thank you very much for assisting me here.

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

I rewritten some of paragraphs but not all, I posted the troubled paragraphs, I tried to place an argument or debate issues. I hope this is better. My teacher look over the first paragraph and she mention I only need to note the Giver only once, because I shared the Giver in the introduction, I don't need another paragraph or mention the Giver in every paragraph she's ok with it.

My problem is writing a reason for the proposed argument, thereafter refuting the arguement. Another is the sentence structure for the argument, how do I present it? I'm pro when it comes down to adoptee accessing their records, because of issues like identity crisis, medical misdiagnoses, and revealing birth certificates of this nature. Final draft.

REMOVED

Writing Feedback / Thesis essay on "Adoption issues" [11]

I thank you so much for helping me here, in the meantime, I need to recap my train of thought here. I'm finding this assignment to be the most difficult one, out of all the other Essays I've done here.

For me relating to the Giver shall I use these types of transition words. For each paragraph that I need to relate to The Giver. I'm experiencing a little trouble here. I need to recap my goal is for adoption.

This is where I'm having difficulty, I don't know how to combine/connect this Essay in relation to the Giver yet?

Antithetic: instead, on the contrary, in contrast, by comparison
Equative: equally, likewise, similarly, in the same way

My thesis: Adoptive parents should be required to inform children that they are not their biological parent; adopted children should be allowed access to their biological parents if they are available and willing.

My side will be for the children who grows up to be teens; they shall have access to Biological parents records. I thought if I express the thoughts how one becomes adopted from either broken home or other reasons. I can establish some mindset from the child viewpoint, when they reached the age 18, they will learn their genetic origin. I didn't consider the traits or when it becomes medically necessary access to records from Biological parents.

For example, my mindset is coming too the definition of release in the giver means, when the child is released like the twins, one's life is taken.

On the other hand, release could also mean; a child is released from it's family due to abusive relationship, cause child is not in a safe environment.

Since the birthmother doesn't have no rights from the novel, Giver, similarly biological parents releasing their baby to adoption, they gave up their rights from raising their baby.

I have one instance from a paragraph where a B-mother, Hillary was pregnant at the age 16, her parents didn't want the financial burden of their grandchild. Hillary experienced from her dysfunctional family neglection and little affection, Hillary crave for attention she didn't received from her family result in her getting pregnant at 16. However Hillary wanted her baby desparately but realizes she cannot support her child.

The controlled community didn't expressed any emotional feelings, affection, and love; they had pills in perfect families units created.

Any pointers will be greatly appreciated, recap, so I can stay focus here especially with the psychological effects that I'm trying my best to cover here from all sides.

I'm stump in the Giver relating the psychological effects in adoption as I have tried to mention Grief, Loss, Rejection, Control/Mastery and Shame. I think Jonas experience loss and grief toward the end. Jonas realized it was wrong to take one's life as his father release one of twins. He thought he was going to loose Gabriel because he was going to be released. Jonas was protective of Gabriel, when he took the responsibility in protecting Gabriel outside the controlled community, elsewhere.

Dissertations / Having trouble Analyzing an Argument (logical fallacies)! [6]

In the last paragraph or some through the article he grabs your attention by sympathy as appeals to emotion esp. how the title is "Throw out the tax code"

He tends to scare us a bit. He becomes uncertain toward the end of the article.

After I point out some of the fallacies I have to write my critiques and explain three analogies from the paragraphs. I hope I'm detecting them as I type them for discussion here from the Los Angeles Times in the editorials section, where the opinion journals are pg.M8.

Dissertations / Having trouble Analyzing an Argument (logical fallacies)! [6]

A smart tax system does its work of raising needed revenues while attempting to minimize economic harm and advancing certain social goals. California's system doesn't meet that standard. It taxes desirable activities - work, through the income tax, saving and investment - but not some undesirable ones, like pollution and the emission of carbon dioxide and other gases that contribute to global warming. And in defiance of all good economic sense, California has held down fuel taxes, which are a user fee, thereby shifting much of the burden of transportation funding toward the sales tax and bonds paid for with general taxes, and breaking the feeback loop between driving and paying for roads.

I believe the author describes this paragraph a cause and effect analogy.
the author is unrealistically this is the cause, if this happens. How can I explain the analogy here in the cause and effect. Should I mention the consequences?

Dissertations / Having trouble Analyzing an Argument (logical fallacies)! [6]

Here are a few more that I think I found.

The sales tax paid by consumers is also out of step with changing economic reality. Today, consumers spend, an increasing share of their income on such services as 1. healthcare, gyms and gardeners as opposed to such tangible goods as clothes and furniture. But California, unlike most other states, still levies the sales tax on a relatively narrow range of tangible goods while exempting food, utilities and medicine. As a result 2. , the dollars California spend yield about 30% less sales tax than they did in 1979. Even though California has among the highest sales tax rates in the country- the combined state and local rate ranges from 7.29% to 8.25% - the fact that it isn't levied on such things as amusements, repair services, car washing and limos causes revenues to lag behind the state's growth and the need for public services.

I believe this is comparison a false analogy.
Number 1. and the bold print the unlike and as a result! Comparing tangible goods like clothes and furniture with our food, utilities and healthcare providing medicines.

generalization hasting from percentages
Number 2. The author gives a percentage but on the other hand he doesn't mention from what sources, where locations. without showing examples or breakdowns, how he reached his results from his percentages.

Dissertations / Having trouble Analyzing an Argument (logical fallacies)! [6]

1. The goal of tax reform shouldbe twofold. One isto genterate a more reliable revenue stream. The other isto make the tax code more reflective of California's changing economy,which in turn couldstimulate more growth.

In the above sentence I believe it's an Either or... fallacy.

2. The industries that drive today's statef economy -- software, information services such as Google, high-tech, diversified manufacturing , movies, video games,professional and business services-- run onentrepreneurship, knowledge, creativity and technology. They produce more services and intangibles than hard goods. Operating in a global market, they face new comptetition from anywhere.

I believe this is false analogy based on how do you compare with storefronts and intangible assest such as websites. For instance website charges shipping and handling now on top of that we need a sales tax added? Not all websites are legit. Some websites are just informational retrieving educational resources.

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

I ran out of time to edit: More I think about it I believe I should change my thesis from
My target date for turning this Essay in is April 14, 2008. This why I'm questioning this essay so much. I can't wait to place this behind me. I greatly appreciate any feedback. Thank you so much, Sarah.

Students benefit from a good education if they have knowledgeable teachers who enforce discipline, good classroom setups, and responsible parent involvement. to

Students benefit from a good education if they have resourceful firm teachers who enforce discipline, good classroom setups, and responsible parent involvement.

Is the sentence parallel?

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

How does this sound? I change the first part of the paragraph.

In addition, good teacher also enforces discipline, which allows students to become responsible. Teachers come across difficult students who don't care to come to class sit in their chair with desk, listen quietly, write notes and give their full total attention. As part of disciplining students, teachers provide students rules to follow. John Holt says, "Let's get rid of all the nonsense of grades, exams, marks" (Holt, 90). Why would we need grades? I believe teachers need to give grades for our work done to give students incentives. Shows teachers where they need improvement. Some students have weaknesses to overcome. Teachers' give students' assignments deadline date on when it's due, so teachers can follow their requirements and guidelines in our education system. Good teachers monitor, evaluate and issues grades from student's assignments completed. Student needs to follow rules to prepare themselves in future work environment, they can work and follow procedures for their bosses. So all teachers need to do is to enforce rules, so students will gain respect for higher authority. Daniel H. Pink says, "Kids learned how to obey rules, follow orders, and respect authority - and the penalties that came with refusal" (93). Students don't follow rules, teacher will punish students. For instances, talking inside the classroom while the teacher is giving a presentation is being rude, disruptive, and disrespectful. Teacher set boundaries taking action in controlling their misbehaved students by giving them warnings with unsatisfactory mark "S" on their report card. Students need to remain quiet while the teacher is discussing major points in presentations. Teachers will not tolerate a noisy classroom after the third warning, and force the student to be dismissed from the classroom and sent to the principal's office.

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

I need help with revising this paragraph condensing it down staying with the idea of a good teaching. I've tried myself and I'm not successful here. I thank you in advance for any assistance.

One other paragraph besides this one includes discipline with preschool teachers breaking up toddlers fights and their are consequences for fighting for a toy. They learn to share the toy.

When we become teenagers we have rules to follow, their are consequences for not following rules.

Finally I have the introduction with my thesis down. My problem with this essay is organization and sticking to one idea here.

Is this paragraph ok the way it is or not? What sentences can I change?

In addition, good teacher also enforces discipline, which allows students to become responsible. Students who don't care says, "Why do we have to come to class sit in our chair with desk, listen quietly, write notes and give our full total attention to our teachers, who give great presentations?" Without our complete undivided attention, how would the teacher know if we all are learning here?

...

After discipline perhaps knowledgeable teachers can provide incentives having grades will allow students to overcome their weaknesses. I believe I mention grades in the discipline part. Would grades take part in knowledgable teachers, parents involvement, or teahers who are artist? I'm in debate with myself here. I need to cut sentences here and combined them as well sticking to the idea of good teaching.

Sincerely

babydoll

Writing Feedback / Definition of Education-Need filter words & eliminate repetition paragrap. [14]

So the introduction can have 2 paragraphs? As I thought the introduction was just one paragraph mapping out the body ending with a thesis.

My thesis was
It's important for teachers to have good classroom setups, a sense of humor, ability to discipline, utilize visual aids enhancements, and also be artists.

But then it sounds best if it was broken down then.

Can I connect the two paragraphs in saying something like this, "Teachers encourages parents' to be involved and participate in their children's classroom activities."