Graduate / "Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow". J. D'Angelo [5]

I like the central idea of your second paragraph. However, right now there are too many things going on there. Pick a couple of projects which are relevant to the programme and talk about them. As for the others, listing them in your CV will do.

Cut out stuff like this:

Graduate / "Develop a passion for learning. If you do, you will never cease to grow". J. D'Angelo [5]


Only the ending of this paragraph is meaningful. All the other stuff in unconvincing. You cannot just state your qualities. You have to demonstrate them with examples.

The third paragraph's main problem is that it focuses on what you did more than what you learnt from the sport. Besides, I don't think your extracurricular activities should occupy so much space in an engineering SOP. The major portion of the essay should talk about the course, your technical and research skills, job experience, and your expectations from the programme. What do you plan to do after you finish the course?

What you can do now is combine the third and the fourth paragraphs into a single paragraph and leave out the irrelevant sentences like:


Moreover, place this combined paragraph towards the end of the essay. First you need to talk about the technical, course-relevant stuff.

Irrelevant sentences again


I have an issue with the final paragraph too. If you replace the name Imperial College with any other university, your paragraph doesn't change at all. What I'm saying is that it doesn't have any specifics about the programme. You need to do some research about the course and answer the question, "Why Imperial College and not some other university?"

Undergraduate / Life Amidst Death - Saturdays in the garden are my weekly treasures (Common App prompt 4) [5]

I agree with myming. Your writing is one of the best I've encountered on EF.

Now, let's talk about the essay.

I think you could come up with a better transition at the end of the second paragraph. One moment you're describing the patients and their activities, and all of a sudden, you start talking about what you do there. The transition issue crops up again at the end of the third paragraph. I guess, I don't like the last sentences of the second and the third paragraphs. The first one seems like you're thinking aloud, while, in the second case, the rhetorical question doesn't add anything, in my opinion.

I have some issues with the last paragraph. This is where you talk about how the experience has been meaningful to you. However, you use metaphors which obscure the message you intend to convey.


I don't get this part. What are the things that represent the trees and the forest? What kind of inclusive growth are you talking about? In any case, the whole sentence seems out of sync from the rest of the essay.

I think you need to work on the "why is it meaningful" part of the prompt. With your writing skills, I don't think that would be much of a problem. A couple of revisions and you'd be good to go.

Research Papers / Birthing In Comfort; Every labor and delivery when giving birth is different. [3]

Your essay helped me learn something new. So, thank you!

I spotted some redundancy in the following sentences.





Removing them would make your arguments more noticeable.

I also noticed some of your sentences start with the same words. For instance, in the second paragraph, three of your sentences started with the word "Hospitals." Similarly, three of your paragraphs start with the phrase "Home births." I realise, this may not be much of an issue, but as I couldn't find many faults in your essay, nitpicking was all that was left.

Undergraduate / At 15 I created and manage a website;TRANSFER;Community College to Radford University [2]

This is a good essay. I feel that I've learned something about you, which is more or less the main objective of personal statements. Only two things bothered me: the opening and the concluding sentences.


I wouldn't start the essay on a self-depreciating tone.


You can end this in a better manner. Talk about how it was your drive, motivation, etc. that got you through the tough times, and that those same qualities will get through Radford.


...shouldn't it be "me?"

Good luck!

Graduate / From music to public health; SOP for MPH [3]


The portion preceding this sentence is a tad irrelevant in my opinion. While I can understand why you want to talk about all the things which influenced your decision to choose the course, I think if you are specific, you can create a better impression on the admissions folks. If you want to keep the part, try to shorten it somewhat.


Talk more about this. Expound the word "active." Have those institutions made any mark on you? Have you had any significant experiences there?

You also need to talk more about the course and the university. Are there any specific course modules which are unique to the university you're applying? What about the faculty?

Undergraduate / Which department at MIT appeals to you and why? [2]


Definitely

I think they are looking for something more specific than revolutionizing technology :P

No seriously, you need to write this in the conventional way. Those guys probably want to see how you do the homework on the university and the department, your knowledge on the courses being taught at the department, etc.

Just out of interest, why do you want this


I think a lot of people would be out of work if that were to happen ;)

Undergraduate / My passion is the Universe/ CORNELL Common App [2]

Here's a trick:
As a world leading research institution, I will have the necessary tools available to continue my pursuit in the scientific field. XYZ's reputation is unquestioned in its ability to academically challenge its students. The university offers curriculum that is rigorous and emphasizes going beyond the traditional to explore new ideas-and in this case to explore the universe. Given XYZ's vast resources, professors and tools available, I will be able to maximize my understanding of the universe in which we all live. With the guidance of one of the top Physics and Astronomy department in the country, I will venture on a journey through learning about our universe as a whole and as individual particles, and that excites me...

...What fuels my passion for astronomy and for XYZ is with the right mindset, tools, and peers, I have the ability to understand the universe in a way I have yet to achieve. Long-term my undergraduate experience at XYZ will lead me to post graduate work and a career in research.

Do you see the problem with your piece? It's too generic. You can replace Cornell with the name of any other university and your essay remains the same. I doubt the folks at Cornell are going to like that. The "Ask an Astronomer" thing is the only place where you show that you did the homework on the university. In my opinion, you need to work on the second paragraph. Add more specific information about Cornell. Talk to some current students, if you can. Study the website carefully.

Writing Feedback / Cruel apartheid is apparent in Public Ed Sys in USA; An Inequality in Education [2]

injustices that have haunted this country, a country that ... ---- The comma should be either a semi-colon or a colon, in my opinion.
Education is the stepping stone to living a successful life, a life that is --- Same here

Isn't there a word missing here? ...funding of their schools is a fraction of what their ________ counterparts receive.

This is when President Eisenhower federalizing units of the --- federalized?

This is a very informative and analytical essay. As I am from a different country, it is deeply intriguing to learn about the educational structure of America. I didn't think such issues existed there. Since you didn't include the prompt, I could not conclude what your main motive was. Is this essay just an analysis of the issue of segregation in education, or were you supposed to suggest measures to mitigate the problem? In either case, you did a good job.

Undergraduate / 'speech and language disabilities' - Speech Pathology Admissions Essay! [3]


I made a mistake too. It should be : Although the students' disabilities or difficulties differ, the effects on their lives were the same.

Undergraduate / 'speech and language disabilities' - Speech Pathology Admissions Essay! [3]

Working with these students allowed byme to learn

A comma would be nice here --> In the regular education setting, I have worked with nonverbal students


Although the students' disabilities or difficulties differ, the effects on their life were the same. ---Your sentence was violating something called number agreement. I fixed it.

was fascinated by the work she did, but it was not until I met Ishana -- I think the comma should be replaced with a semicolon.

also here, or you can use a colon --> shocked at what I saw, a new Ishana who was comfortable

I am glad that I read your essay. Your anecdote is very convincing, and it justifies the assertions you made about yourself in the second to last paragraph. The only issue I have is that you did not elaborate much on why LaSalle is the right place for you. Your essay mainly deals with why the university should admit you. However, you also need to lay stress on why you think the university is a good match for you.

Good luck, Jenny. I hope you get admitted.

Undergraduate / BU Supplement - Roommate - Mulan, Field Report [4]

First of all I have to say that this is a unique essay, and one that certainly captures the reader's attention. So well done!


Doesn't matter. They want to know you, not Mulan. In case they are looking for additional animation-character-trivia knowledge, they can always google.


It's fine as it is. No need to change it.


I think it's brilliant. Just out of curiosity -- what is your intended major?


I don't think there should be any problem with that. However, I do think your essay highlights your superficial traits like appearance, physical behaviour, etc. more than your character. A roommate would want to know what your likes and dislikes are, whether you are an extrovert or an introvert. Basically, stuff that projects your personality.

These habits occur multiple ...

Undergraduate / The African American girl with a Spanish name who's in French Honor Society [6]


Comma should be replaced with semicolon or period.


This part ruins the sentence. And it is very conventional.

I think in this part you digress. If you feel you've run out of words that tell about you, write an anecdote. It will automatically tell something about you.

Overall, I feel this is a good essay. Witty.

Undergraduate / 'the endless opportunities' - WHY NYU? [4]

Oh, I just saw your second essay.

What you can do here is mention your hobbies and non-academic interests. Make sure you specify them, and relate them with NYU. For instance, you can mention some societies or clubs you'd like to join which can help you develop you extracurricular interests.

Undergraduate / 'the endless opportunities' - WHY NYU? [4]

Hello Mary

Your essay does not have many specific details about NYU. If you replace NYU with the name of some other university, it will still make sense. This will not impress the admission officers.

The easiest way to make you essay unique is to talk about your intended field of study. Tell us about your intended major and the career you'd like to pursue. Is there any way NYU can help you in that? Do the course modules interest you? Maybe, somethign about the extracurriculars?

Undergraduate / 'not aware of the responsibility' - Common App Short Answer about volunteering [3]

who needed to raise their

I can't find any fault in your essay. This is excellent writing -- simple, but effective.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / 'a country known only for its war' - CommonApp - Significant Event (Sri Lanka) [5]

First of all, I have to say you write really well. Here are my suggestions:--

Your second paragraph doesn't add much to what you have written in the introduction. You've already given a vivid description of the incident, and the second paragraph just sounds repetitive.


How? Perhaps, you should explain it a bit.


I don't know about that, but I do think that particular reference is irrelevant to the essay.

I don't know why, but I'm finding it difficult to relate the anecdote with your ambitions. It maybe because you have not specified your goals. For all your eloquence, "...strong urge to be the best at whatever I did...," doesn't paint a good picture. It is as if you don't have any idea why you are applying for college.

I suggest you mention what career you want to take up in the future, and make a connection to the incident you mentioned.

Letters / Doubts about referents in the cover letter for a PhD [3]

From what I know, your referee should be someone who has been in direct contact with you either in the role of a supervisor or a tutor.

Therefore, your thesis advisor should be your official referee.
Hope that helps.

Undergraduate / 'Synthesis of Pyrrole Nucleosides as Anti-cancer agents' Summer Chemistry Internship [2]


In your story you seem to have academic work. Am I missing something?

If you want to take out some characters, here's my suggestion --
I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves.

Undergraduate / 'Fear once chained me.' - University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign [2]

Hi

Two small changes --
My first audition: A s I stood in front of an informal panel of ...
November 2011, 8 AM: I found myself standing in line

I think your punctuation is all right.

I have a suggestion. Instead of writing "my first audition" and "november 2011," why don't you use some metaphors? Maybe, describe them with lines from some other songs, so that they will be in sync with the existing lyrics; although this can turn out to be a difficult job. Just food for thought. Anyway, back to the essay.


I think this is a slightly abrupt transition. Maybe, you should give the reader a glimpse of your thought process as you were battling your fear.

Graduate / 5 children killed in an armed attack; International Relations (MA) - PS [3]

Words missing :
With the passage of time and during my undergraduate years I started to
It is difficult to streamline a singular ...


This looks like a run-on sentence. You should replace the comma with a full stop.

Comma added: This was, and still is, worrisome

Okay, this is a good, and thoughtfully written, essay. I like the way you write. You have made it very clear what your future goals are, and how YOU intend to achieve them. However, I don't think you touched much on how the masters degree will help you attain these goals. You've just mentioned one line about your prospective specialisation, but you didn't elaborate it.

You need to put some academic stuff here -- like mentioning the course modules you are interested in, or the work done by some of the professors that you like. Basically, you need to show why you have selected this particular university's MA programme over others.

The last paragraph is too general to be convincing.

Scholarship / Statement of purpose for studying public policy and taxation [2]

You've made lots of spelling mistakes. Use a word processor like MS Word to avoid them.

I reshaped your first paragraph with a few tweaks, although it still doesn't make much sense to me.
"I was born in a small village in the Southern part of Pakistan. I got my early education from Cadet College Petaro, one of the most prestigious institute of our country. Thereafter I did my Bachelors in Law which made me realize that for the sake of social justice much has been done constitutionally. On the other hand nothing on concrete basis has ever been done by the policy makers because of lack of knowledge of Policy making. The economic policies were tabulated on an emergency basis giving high handedness to the ruling class and license for extortion of money from the business class in the form of Revenues (Taxes)."

I don't know whether my changes kept the meaning similar to the one you wanted to convey. If not, you can modify the sentences yourself. However, I want you to note a few points.

First, try and keep your sentences short, so that your meaning is clear.
Second, observe the places where I replaced commas with full stops. Whenever you feel that a part of a sentence is making sense by itself, put a full stop at the end of it (there are places where you need to put semi colons, but for the time being follow this rule).

Finally, I didn't understand your usage of the term "business class." Do you mean working class or middle class?

Anyway, I am not that conversant with financial jargon to comment much on them. Nevertheless, I like the way you listed your objectives for pursuing the Masters programme. It would be better if you can shorten the essay. There is too much detail in the 3rd, 4th and 5th paragraphs. Maybe, you can condense them by removing some of the less important matter.

You also need to write a few lines about the university you want to attend. Why do you think that particular university's course can help you realise your goals?

Undergraduate / "I want to help countries like my home country" - Personal Statement [5]

Hello Andrea!

In the first few lines, you repeat the phrase "the water" quite a few times. You can employ the possessive case (its) in such instances.

The second paragraph has too many details which may not interest the adcom. You can sum it up in fewer sentences and merge it with the third paragraph.

Likewise, the fourth and fifth paragraphs contain some irrelevant details. Instead you should focus on the topics which are relevant to your selected major. For instance, you can elaborate on the experiences you had while you were an Amnesty International member.


This is all very good, but it's not specific. Talk about something specific, like a career you want to pursue, or the kind of job you like, etc.

Good luck! I'm sure you are on a roll ;)

Undergraduate / "The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School [10]


Yeah, I think so.


Yep

Undergraduate / "The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School [10]

Definitely, better.

One suggestion: Try not to use contractions in formal writing.

Undergraduate / "The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School [10]

Hello Nebraska!!


lol. Very catchy thread title despite the apparent simplicity.

It was hard for me to leave my friends in Nebraska behind --- This was probably just a typo...but still...

You write quite well. I feel that you did justice to the "meaningful event, experience..." part, but came up slightly short in the "affecting the college experience..." part. Consider this sentence


After reading this, my question would be, "How?"

From the anecdote you narrated, your best quality seems to be the ability to move on/ adapt to an unfamiliar environment.

So can you mention some ambitions which you want to fulfill in UF, some plans you want to execute, and all throughout helped by your innate qualities?

Haha...I think my last sentence doesn't make much sense. It looks weird.

I guess what you need to do is to be more specific about what you can contribute to the college community. Cut out the vague phrases like "positive influence."

Good luck! Your essay will come out great!

Graduate / CASPA Application Personal Narrative - career in sports medicine, physician assistant [4]

You need a better transition between the first two paragraphs. Right now it seems you are talking about two different things in those two paras.

I feel that if you somehow merge the second paragraph with the third one, it would give you a better start -- just a suggestion though

You repeat this phrase a few times:- "to learn more"
It would be better if you specify what you wanted to learn; like you mention sports medicine in the subsequent paragraph.

Your writing is pretty good.

Writing Feedback / "moving my eyes over African journals" - what are you passionate about and why? [3]


A question mark needed in place of the period at the end of the sentence.


These is an awkward sentence. The word "sculptor" doesn't seem to fit here. The sentence also violates number agreement.
They is plural, while sculptor is singular.


I am not sure if you properly expressed your thought through this metaphor. The word scope is difficult to decipher without the context. I think you should add one more sentence clarifying the metaphor, if you want to keep this sentence.

In fact, my advise would be to keep the number of metaphors to a minimum in an admissions essay.

When I am reading a sad story full of sweat, trouble and betrayal I scratch my head in response as though I wasam the one involved; however, it reveals a miniature reflection of the future and how carefully I should tread to avoid troubles and mistakes. ----- note the usage of semi-colon

I can see that you have real skill in writing. This is evident from your metaphors. However, like I said, do keep them in check in an admissions essay. You don't want to confuse the admissions officer, do you? That being said, keep in mind that I am not as good a reader as the admissions officers will be; so, my opinion may not be correct.

Grammar, Usage / CONJUCTION EXERCISE (edit the following passage about DNA fingerprinting) [4]

My version:

1. DNA fingerprinting is a technique that can be used to identify a person accurately. I t is also known as DNA profiling. 2. DNA is present in cells and can be isolated from the following: blood, skin, hair, and sweat.

Last two are same as yours.

In the first one, I've replaced the comma with a period. As for the second, a colon looks correct in place of the semi-colon.

Essays / When you decide what is right and what is easy - opinion on this hardest decision topic? [5]

I don't know what you want us to do. If you're looking for someone to write an essay for you on that topic, you are at the wrong place. If you are looking to discuss that prompt with people here, I suggest you first write a couple of lines, so as to initiate the discussion.

This seems a straightforward topic. You can select examples from your personal life to answer this prompt.

A variation of this prompt maybe : risk (right) vs compromise (easy)

Undergraduate / "I dare to be different" - FAMU Entrance Essay [5]

In this type of essay, it is better to demonstrate your qualities, rather than just claiming to have them. Take your first paragraph for instance. All those qualities you have mentioned sound like empty words to me. That's because I've never met you, and I don't know what sort of a person you are. The same thing can happen when a admissions officer is reading your essay.

So, when I say "demonstrate," I mean, demonstrate your qualities with the help of examples or anecdotes from your life. Rather than saying you're confident, narrate an event where you showed your confidence.

I hope you get my meaning. Good luck!

Research Papers / My research paper on nanotechnology (both informative and interesting)? [7]

Nanotechnology is a broad field. Why don't you start by selecting a topic within the purview of nanotechnology?

Google: Applications of nanotechnology

There you will find a host of topics related to nanotechnology. Select one of them; for example, applications of nanotech in medicine, material science, etc.

Narrowing down your topic will give a better direction to your essay.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Ah well becoming a contributor is easy. Just review essays (at least 20) and then send a message to the admin via the Contact page.

If your reviews have been meaningful and helpful, you'll become a contributor.

As for becoming a moderator, it's slightly more tricky. Read the 13th FAQ in this page: Frequently Asked Questions.

Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]


Hmm...if I were to write the opening, I'd probably scrap quite a lot of the opening para. I think if you want to express something, it's better to use an anecdote than just describing it. For example, if you had given an example from a Astronomy classroom session, maybe it would have been more convincing.

Anyway, like I said, it's just an opinion and definitely not an advice. You can stick to your version :)


I'm sorry, I didn't explain myself properly last time. I meant, if you need to cut out something, you can cut out those.

Undergraduate / "Since I started my Astronomy class" Princeton --What makes it beautiful is invisible [8]

This is a good essay. I like its simplicity. However, there are a few points I'd like to point out.

1. The first paragraph seems to exaggerate your interest in astronomy. It may not be the case in reality, but I'd like it more if you choose some toned down words.

The main problem is the use of the phrase "sheer awe" in combination with a rhetorical question.

However, this is just a personal opinion, and personal opinions may vary from person to person.

2. I don't think the following words are needed.


I love the second paragraph, especially the last sentence.

3. I have to agree with your sister. The last sentence is a confusing one. One thing you can do is follow it up with a clarifying sentence.

P.S. I loved that book by Kaku.

Undergraduate / Political Science: what led you to select your anticipated academic area of study [3]

In the first four sentences you impose an idea. Now consider this -- the people who will be reading this essay may be learned scholars who know all these things and the whole idea behind education. For them, your sentences do not carry any meaning. What I mean is, there is no point in telling the obvious. Moreover, that particular reason for your university selection can be applied to many other universities. The same can be said for the data on faculty-student ratio. These are just superficial reasons. Use your research a bit more.

The main problem with your essay is that you do not address the prompt properly. Your essay can be divided into three parts.
1. Your opinion on an issue
2. Why you think NYU AD is good for you
3. Why you like Pol Sc.

My suggestion is -- stick to Pol Sc. only. Tell them what you like about this area (use examples from recent times), and what is so special about the Pol Sc. programme offered in NYU AD.

Undergraduate / School of the Museum of Fine Arts of Boston Essay: "Why us?" [3]

Maybe it's because I am not an Arts person, but I found the first two paragraphs quite vague. Don't get me wrong; they are nicely written, but I couldn't find anything specific about the university.

The same goes for the third. It seems as if you are trying to artistically express why SMFA attracts you; whereas in my opinion, your reasons should be more factual and objective.

One more thing I observed, and I am sure if Kevin sees this essay he'll probably note it too, is that you use adjectives a lot. Maybe you can cut out some of those.

spiritual and social believes, beliefs...

Undergraduate / Designing a course: St olaf supplement [2]


In place of the comma, a colon or semi-colon would fit better.

of diverse disciplines. AndM y course would incorporate areas of study such as culture,

Cut out some unnecessary words: One of the important reasons for this isThat is because the human population is getting more...


This is a repetition of the previous sentence. Avoid repetition, and don't start a sentence with a conjunction unless it seems absolutely necessary to maintain the flow of the idea.

I like the ideas given in the second paragraph.

Your concluding paragraph looks weak. You repeated the same ideas in the same way (in a conclusion, you are supposed to summarise main ideas in a different way). Moreover, the implications that you have mentioned are very predictable. Try to include some new insight.

Writing Feedback / My political essay on the corrupt release of government information. [3]


Is it necessary to add the dot com part? I mean everyone knows about Facebook, Myspace and such stuff.

Typo here: promotes which also attempts to turn American citizans against its own


I think you forgot to give the punctuation marks (i.e. quotes). Right now it looks like you are making an assertion in the third paragraph.

No capitalisation required here: Organizations

Overall, I think you made some good points. However, I found it hard to discern your perspective while writing this essay. Did you write it from an American perspective or taking the world as a whole? Since you haven't included the prompt, it is unclear what your essay should have been like. If the title of this thread is the prompt, then I think you should stick to one perspective.

For example, a scenario which is applicable to the US may not apply to some other country. In this essay you are using the world and the US interchangeably, which may not be appropriate.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

mechanical engineer, as I had performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments

Comma not needed here: my ambition of being a great engineer if I am educated at a top-notch...

The new paragraph is better. However, I still think it would best if you include more Yale-specific information.