Undergraduate / Chalk Handprints - UPenn Supplemental Essay [9]

Hi!

Yes, you are correct! The UPenn Supplement Essay should be "approximately" 500 words. I've seen them both above and below the 500 word limit, but never more than 10 from the deviation.

--Mark

Undergraduate / "An Extended Complaint" - Evaluate an Experience and its Impact on you [4]


Ryan,

You are a clever, witty writer! I thoroughly enjoyed reading the essay, and, no, it is not too long. We receive others throughout the day that are sometimes longer. You seem to use the words in your essay very wisely. You are very crafty! Have you considered becoming a writer?

It certainly does seem that you enjoy the outdoors and the air that accompanies the winter-like breezes! And, you certainly enjoy track. Your essay leaves the reader with such an image, one that sticks in the mind, a colorful image, with the snow covering the fields, everything save for the track. And, I happen to like the bird's eye view of the track that you offer the readers!

Keep on writing, Ryan! I will look forward to your work in the future. I dare not put a pen to your work, for it is near-perfect.

--Mark :)

Essays / "I realised he was only human when......" (Title) How do i start this essay ? [4]

Alex,

Surely, you have known someone in your life who has been like a 'superhuman' to you up until a point when you realized that he or she, too, was only human. A lot of people attribute this to their father, when they find out early in their lives that their father can also fail at something. It is at that point in the child's eyes when he or she realizes that although the father was put on a pedestal, he is only human -- especially after he, too, fails at something.

Can you relate to that in some way?

--Mark

Undergraduate / "A Step Forward"--An Essay on the Appreciation of Diversity [5]

Steven,

Your essay is simply marvelous! I cannot stress enough how much I appreciated it, and as I continued reading the essay, I knew that it would only get better. You certainly have a knack for writing, and if I were you, I would continue writing! You might just find a career in it, or a hobby if your career is already set forth for you.

I looked and I cannot find any grammatical or spelling errors. Not one. There is not one thing that I would change in the essay. It simply says what you set out to do...which is use the prompt to describe the diversity that you would bring to a community college. And, as far as the restraints that you used to define your essay -- you established all of them in my mind. I will certainly look forward to reading more of your work on this forum!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Manga, the Japanese comic - Intellectual engagement [3]


Warren,

Your essay, while it required only a few corrections that I could see, is a work in progress, as far as I am concerned. This does not mean that it is not complete, for it is; it means that the essay can either stand alone or it can be said in so many other ways, or mean so many other things to so many other people. The idea of choosing Magna to use to describe the way you think about doing something with the mind is very unique -- one does not find this attribute in most people's thoughts, which are linear, not like your own.

I liked your essay. In a short fashion, you described how one thinks. And, to that end, you also described how you use a simple concept such as Magna and apply it to the more sophisticated situations in life. And that is unique.

Good Work!

--Mark :)

As a fan of art, I really enjoy drawing manga;Magna: the Japanese comic.

FromIn my opinion, manga is a media that communicatescommunicate with people by combining text and pictures.
--> Here, remember that the word "media" is plural; therefore, it requires the plural for communicate.

For example, if I wanted to show my appreciation to someone's culinary skills, after tasting their good food, instead of saying "it tastes good" I can say "Can I have some more?" both responses indicate that I like the food but the second response shows more appreciation.

--> I certainly like this sentence! It means a lot! It says a lot!

Undergraduate / FSU prompt-essay about Grandmother and how I grew from that experience-feedback? [4]

Hi Diana!

I thoroughly enjoyed your essay, and I think that you are on the right track. I do, however, agree with some of what Farrah has said above. Additionally, I am offering you some suggestive corrections for your essay. Most of these are small, but they make the sentences sound better. I wish you luck with your essay, and I enjoin you to re-write it and then re-post it on the forum!

--Mark :)

Many People live by personal philosophies but never understand the significance itthese philosophieshashave upon their lives.

FromDayday to Dayday , people use the values of "Vires, Artes, and Mores" as a basic guideline on how to grow from personal experience. For meFrom my perspective , Vires and Mores are expressed as values that opened my eyes to make me a stronger person morally and intellectually.

Mores is signified within my life through the responsibilities I had to take over when my grandmother lost control of her faculties .

Things never got easy because this woman that had been taking care of me since I was born, I had to suddenly start taking care of.

--> This sentence does not make sense, although I know what you are saying.
--> Try this: Things around the house never became easy; suddenly the woman who had taken care of me for almost eight years needed attention for every detail.

Mores reflects my character by taking this experience and learning that my actions and behaviors towards my Grandmother have shaped my characteristicscharacter .

Undergraduate / "In Being a Banana: A Cultural Mishap" - General questions on format & prompt ComApp [9]

Amanda,

I don't think that you need to revise your entire essay. Look what Kevin said about your work. Look what some of the others said about it. I thought -- before -- and I still think that this is an excellent essay, indeed. If you want to change anything, change the title, but I don't think you need to revise the entire body of the essay! It's simply a wonderful essay. I do think that you might want to re-write it, based on the corrections made only -- and by doing so, you might find some other areas that you want to change yourself. Give it a try. I think you did well.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / IS WEARING UNIFORM NECESSARY FOR STUDENT? [3]


Hi Cai!

I think that your essay, while on the right track, so to speak, is too short. You need to expound on the three paragraphs, by telling the readers why you think the way you do. What makes the uniform so special, as opposed to regular clothes? You can also talk about the many students who don't like to wear the uniform as it takes away from their sense of the individual. Have you heard of that before? Does the uniform really save the student money? Can you justify your answer? These are some of the other things that you can talk about in your essay. Currently, your essay consists of three paragraphs, and each one contains only a few lines. This needs to be expanded.

Why does the student need to behave well when he or she wears the uniform? Has this been documented somewhere? Where did you hear about this? Is it really true? This and some other things can be "talked about" in the essay.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "brilliant minds" - Yale essay, something we haven't already gathered from CommonApp [3]

So, you want to be a free thinker! Is that what this is all about? I agree with you, in that the route to and from college should not only be about getting a job after graduation, but that is how the world in which we live works! Everyone, or almost everyone who is attending some sort of higher education program today is doing so because he or she thinks that by doing so, the job after graduation has his or her name on it.

You mention Mensa in your essay. Are you a member?

I wonder if everyone who reads your essay will come away from the text with the same thoughts. I wonder if I am moving away from your essay with the same thoughts you had when you decided to put paper to pen.

I didn't see anything grossly wrong with the grammar in the essay, but I am more interested in what it is you are saying in the essay. You mention that we should not be Google, so we should not merely spit out what we learn, but we should become free thinkers from the information we do learn. I did catch what you said about Freud, by the way, as well as Marx. Do you really think that they were two free thinkers? Great thinkers?

I have not seen any of your work in the forum in the past, and I don't know who you are, as you did not sign your essay; but I would like to see more of your work in the future.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Yes, I will move"- significant experience, achievement, risk you've taken (OU Essay) [5]

Hi Sonia!

I read your first essay and then I read through the critiques that were posted by the various people on the forum. Then, I read through your second essay. I think that you have a wonderful essay here, a very heart-felt exposition, indeed! What a powerful statement about a family!

I do have one comment to make concerning the grammar in the essay, however:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life long, I made a decision to leave; one that I haven't regretted till this day.

--> In the above sentence, the last line does not "stand alone" as a sentence, and therefore, the semi-colon is not correct. It should, if anything, be a comma. You could even re-write the entire thought in the following way:

My mom was definitely right. Though I didn't want to leave all I'd ever known and the friends I thought would be life-long, I made the decision to leave, and that is one decision that I haven't regretted to this day.

Other than that, I cannot find anything wrong with the essay. Well-written.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Trying to turn my dream of attending FSU into a reality" FSU application essay [2]

Hi Delilah,

You essay is probably one of the better ones that I read with respect to the essays that were meant for Florida State. I liked reading it and I am impressed with the fact that you were so eager to use your bilingual status to assist others who did not speak English. This showed in your writing! You write rather well.

I only found a few errors that need to be corrected. One of them involve the passive voice. You will find that it reads better in the active. Otherwise, the essay is terrific!

Mark :)

I have developed strength, skills, and character thr ough my personal life experience,

I study hard and spend extra time reviewing my work so that nothing holds me back from my high scholarly expectations forof myself.

The value of hard work has been taught to me by my mom
--> This sentence is in the passive voice; it needs to be changed to the active voice.

Undergraduate / Struggling with Economics - UChicago Essay [4]

Hi Claire,

I am not sure if your essay requires editing -- in fact, I would keep it like it is at the moment, as it clearly is a well-written document. It is, however, slightly esoteric, and if it were not for the fact that I have read some of Keynes' work, I would not have been able to relate to what you were saying about inflation.

By all means, if you can fit it in the essay, you ought to include some of your extra-curricular activities, as it would identify you with a well-rounded person.

I liked your essay. I didn't see any changes that need to be made. I like the fact that you brought us into the essay talking about biology, only to tell us that your more difficult class was the economics courses.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / *Strength is Success - Texas Essay Prompt C* [3]


Hi Marisa!

I thought that I recognized the essay! It does sound like some of the other Vires essays that I read as well. However, you did get your point across rather nicely. I particularly like the Spanish statement that your mother used when you were younger: show me who your friends are and I will show you who you are. That is quite a strong statement, and it is so true!

I did offer you some suggestive corrections with respect to your essay. You might want to take a look at them and incorporate them into a re-write of the essay. Good Luck!

--Mark :)

When I first meet someone and discern whether I like them,or not I take various characteristics of their personality and overall effect on me.

Physical strength, I personally believe, cannot characterize someone accurately,; rather it is the way they use their physical strength to attract people to them that I observe.

Whether they talk about the news or the weather, their tone of voice will convey their true feelings.

When determining a person from afar, one might take the other's actions into consideration.

If someone was carrying a heavy burden, I would offer my support.

Undergraduate / Twin essay for UMiami. I have high testscore and a low gpa, so this essay is crucial! [6]

Hi Tania Lee!

With regard to your essay, I happen to agree with Marisa -- in that your essay is too informal. Take a look at the corrections she has made for you. I, also, think that you ought to consider re-writing the essay, and coming up with a different approach. It reads too informally, as if you are talking to a friend, and not someone at the collegiate level. Try the re-write and send it to us via the forum; we will take a look at it again.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / "My life as a Seahawk"- UNC Wilmington Admission essay [5]

Hi Amanda!

I would think that the admissions department would want a little more information from you with regard to why you want to attend the college. Your essay, which is nice, is too short (in my humble opinion); the personnel there at the college are looking to read some information about you that they probably cannot capture anywhere else. Try to expound on the ideas that you presented, like being in love with marine life -- which marine life, specifically? Why are you developing an affinity for marine life? What caused such a close relationship between you and marine life? Was it just living in Florida? Where in Florida (it's a big state).

I hope that helps!

--Mark :)

Living in Florida my whole life, I've always been drawn to marine life. During the summers, I would spend my days at the beach doing what little kids do. Building sandcastles and finding sea shellsdo, such as building sandcastles and finding sea shells .

This of course has led to an interest in colleges that offeredoffer marine science programs

Being so lucky to spend the best three week of my summer there I instantly fell in love with UNCW.
--> Try this: After being lucky enough to spend a summer at UNCW, I instantly fell in love with the idea of attending the college.

It's small enough to have small class sizes, yet large enough to whereso that I can branch out and grow as a person.

It's near the beach, which I love.

Undergraduate / Regional Youth of the Year, prepared speech - Vires, Artes and Mores (good start?) [3]

Hi Deidre Bates,

I read through your essay, and then I read the many comments and suggestions that Marisa left for you. I am not going to be redundant and repeat the same suggestions, but I do need to tell you that your essay comprises a very short period of time in your life -- actually -- from the time you got up one day and the moment you stepped down from the podium in the auditorium on that same day. You really need to discuss the three attributes that the personnel at FSU are asking you to discuss, and not just a moment in your history. I hope I am making myself clear to you. I also echo Marisa's comments and suggestions that she made for you.

What do the three attributes mean to you with regard to your desire to enter FSU? Describe each one of them in detail, keeping a paragraph open for each one of them. From there, you can build your essay. Try it. Make an outline of what you want to say and then re-work your essay to those guidelines. I think that you will find that making an outline really helps when writing!

Good Luck!

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Marriage Partners: similar or not? [5]

Hi!
While I agree with most of what the others have said about your essay, I think you did a wonderful job in describing the reasons why you think the way you do. In other words, you just didn't tell the reader that you think a certain way, you told us why you think a certain way. And, that's important when writing an essay. It's important not only to describe your feelings, but also to let the reader know why you feel a certain way. You used a lot of examples in your essay, which is also very important. I think you did a marvelous job. The only other critical issue I have with the essay, aside from what the others have already said is that the word "more over" is not two words, it is generally only one word -- "moreover."

Otherwise, it is simply a nicely written essay!

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / CommonApp Essay - Hope in the Streets of Puerto Rico [4]

Hi!

What a great essay! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it! You are indeed a powerful writer, and you surely have a way with words! I commend you for your volunteerism and your dedication to those who are in need of your help. There simply are not enough people in this world like yourself.

I saw only one error in the entire essay that needs your attention, and it's a common error. In place of the word "me," the word "I" should be used. Just like in the sentence, "He is better than I," the word "me" is not to be used. Think about the subject of the sentence, and then complete the sentence with the word, "am," which is understood. Here, "He is better than I am." That is a more correct way of stating it in a sentence.

Like I said, you are a wonderful writer, and I cannot think of a way to make any other corrections with regard to your essay. I can relate to your essay in some ways, in that my son recently came back from a trip to PR, and he told me of the many streets in the cities that are literally filled with the homeless. Of course, if one were to take the scenic routes, one would remain off the beaten path and never encounter the homeless in PR.

You should definitely write some more! You have a knack for it! I will look forward to seeing more of your writing in the forum!

Cheers!

--Mark :)

It seemed unfathomable that such a young boy, only two years older than meI at the time, had experienced what was probably a lifetime of hardships.

Writing Feedback / Traffic in Viet Nam: Reasons and Solutions [5]

Kevin,

I was under the same impression the other day when I first encountered this essay, although I didn't raise the issue with the writer. The next day, as luck would have it, I visited my dentist, who happens to be Vietnamese. She told me that, yes, in Vietnam, the population refers to the country in two words, Viet nam. Why, I don't know, and she has no idea why we, as a people, call her country with one word, Vietnam. According to her, all of the maps are wrong! News to me, and I learned something new.

-- Mark

Writing Feedback / "When and Where"; doing work by hand or using machines? [3]

Hi!
I see that someone else has already made some corrections for you, and I don't want to repeat them here, but there are a few others that I would like to draw you towards...

And, there are some sentences towards the end of the essay that simply do not make a lot of sense, and it is difficult for me to wrap my mind around them. This is stated later.

I would try to re-write the essay so that it makes more sense. Try to use the corrections above and in this paragraph as a guide when you are re-writing the essay. Then, you can re-post it on the forum.

Cheers!

Undergraduate / Volleyball: Extracurricular activities - Admissions Univ of Illinois Champaign-Urbana [6]

Daniel,

You did in your essay exactly what they wanted you to do -- and one does not see that too often. According to the prompt, In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it, which you described your sport or extra-curricular activity -- right down to the sweat that one endures during the sport. I commend you for an excellent essay. There is no doubt in my mind that the people reading this essay will see that you are serious about attending the college.

There was only one additional comment that had to be made concerning your essay, and it is a small issue:

Volleyball, a physically and mentally rigorous sport, tests an athlete's patience and perseverance yet comes with great rewards once success is achieved.

Otherwise, the essay is excellent! Good job.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Diversity, Psychology, Experience - "Why Ohio State University?" [2]

Sonia,

I think that you have a good essay here! You certainly addressed the prompt and you answered the questions that you addressed yourself. There were only a few corrections that I made on behalf of the essay. Otherwise, it it good.

--Mark :)

Coming from a very close knit family, I've always longed for independence and I always fantasized that going away to college would bring me that independence I always longed forfor which I longed .

After moving to Ohio, with high expectations of living in a more diverse community, yet I was still disappointed.
--> This sentence does not make sense, and it is difficult to wrap my mind around it. You can try this: After moving to Ohio, I was disappointed, although I had high expectations of a more diverse community.

By the "what-if's" and the "why not's" of the human behavior
--> This is not a complete sentence.

I grew ecstatic when I came to find out that a psychology class was offered in my junior year and whichwith high expectations, I took the class.

Undergraduate / Mass Art and Photography: Statement of Purpose help? [3]

Hi Jenna!
You are on the right track! Just keep plugging away. I made some simple corrections to your essay, as you can see below -- most of them were small things. You are doing fine, however. Keep writing, whatever it is, and then you can go back and correct the spelling and the grammar later; but for now, just write! You can do this!

--Mark :)

... to show how you see the world,world.thePhotography entails the ability to say things without words, the preservation of one moment in time forever, and most importantly,: it is a passion. I take pictures because of all of that, and simply because I love tocreate art .

... that it always will bethe greater part of my life .

I was never really into the whole 'high school' thing
--> What high school thing? Describe it. What is it? And why were you not a part of it?

Undergraduate / My Experience with Autism - Penn State Personal Statement [7]

Hi!
I know you said that this is just a rough draft, but it reads and looks good the way that it is, although you will find that re-writing it will always lead to a more perfect essay. I think that you have a powerful essay here, if only it were longer, more involved. If you could only imagine what it would be like, for instance, if your brother were to write about you -- what would he say? Would be be appreciative of you for attending all of the special games? There are literally hundreds of ways you can deal with this! Its is a wonderful topic!

--Mark :)

All the people, all the opportunities.
--> This is not a complete sentence. I know why you chose to use it...for emphatic reasons, but these sort of incomplete sentences do not belong in the essay.

Undergraduate / "The irony of suffering " - my UCF Entrance Essay (obstacle, bump) [5]

Hi Lauren,

Your essay is definitely heart-felt, indeed! I must tell you that there was the start of a small tear in my eye as I continued to read the essay past the part when your father and your brother met their demise. You did not explain how they met their deaths, however, and I was wondering if this was too much for you to explain at this point in your life. ??

In any event, I didn't find any errors that needed correcting in your essay. I am sure that it took a lot out of you just to sit down and write the essay. You are definitely and apparently a very dedicated person because of the trauma that you and your mother have experienced. I look forward to reading more of your work in the future.

--Mark :)