Undergraduate / "a powerful research-based institution" Upenn Transfer Essay- Extracurriculars [4]

You are very eloquent, and it's apparent that you know what you want to say. There was one thing that struck me about your essay, however. It does come off as a bit sycophantic. Granted, UPenn is a prestigious school, but being able to show humility while boasting of the school is the gift of a great writer.

Just for example, when you say 'colleagues', I would advise that you change it to 'peer'. When you begin doing true research or projects, those people you have professional relationships with will become your colleagues, but until that point, stick with the more humble 'peer'.

Good luck on your application!
Cameron

Writing Feedback / From Russia To America (a narrative essay) [8]

There are some minor grammatical and punctuation issues, but you seem to be highly literate, so we can largely ignore that. If you are looking for things to write about, or a direction to go with your paper, why not tell us a bit about yourself. This doesn't even need to be a part of the essay, but just something we can brainstorm with you for the writing process. When did you move to America, what are some major events in your life, etc...

Quite curious,
Cameron

Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

If you speak with the department, they might be sympathetic. However, Cornell is notorious for being competitive in very negative ways, so be ready to fight for every inch of ground you gain!

Undergraduate / "Nursing and the naval reserve" - Contribution to Student Life Personal Statement [3]

You have contained most of what you need to have in here, I would just say that "As a" is kinda overused. If you can you do that, it might add some 'voice' into your essay, which would help it to flow better.

Undergraduate / U of Maryland Supplements "First Year Book" and "What's your something" [4]

Hey,

It may not have shown up because of the format of this text, but be sure to italicize titles of books.

When you go through this again, be sure to check when things need to be in the past tense or present. English is rough like that.

Besides for those things to look out for, you have obvious passion when reading these essays. That will make your acceptance much easier. If you wanted to add a small amount of hyperbolie into the second essay, that might be a plus, but if it doesn't flow naturally into the narrative you're crafting, don't worry about it!

Undergraduate / "to succeed academically and civically, business" - ideas NORTHWESTERN [3]

[Moved from]: "pamphlets and brochures for a school of business" - u penn supplement

Hi there,

It'll be much better to focus on one or two major things you did for you parents buisness than to mention every little thing you've done with their shop. They want to know why you kick ass on your own two feet.

Also, avoid repeating names and titles when you can. Even if it costs you some number of words, mix it up. Maybe use the college's previous name if it had one. e.g. University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, UMD, UMassD, the college formerly known as Southern Massachusetts University. Rotating them out randomly keeps it fresh, which keeps your reading engaged.

Hope those helped!

Undergraduate / "quarter system; major in Economics" - What attract you to NORTHWESTERN [2]

Holy eyes, Batman! There is a lot of that in the first paragraph. If you can find some kind of catchy preface, that'd help keep the admissions staff interested enough to keep reading.

"Attending Northwestern University would mean my dreams, aspirations, and goals would be realized." Avoid saying vagaries like this when possible. They want to know you're an individual with their own path in life. Every applicant and their dog will have their nose painted brown while kissing the school's ass. Rise above them and you'll get noticed. Treat them with respect, but equals none-the-less.

Keep these in mind, and always take a step back to make sure your essay is coming at them from a different angle. Blind siding the reader with unconventional trains of thought could pay off big in an essay like this!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / a nearby mosque + Nobody is perfect + I enjoy reading + Scientists - MIT questions [3]

Hey there,

In the first story, it was a good thing you did what you did; That was quite astute on your part! There are some small grammar corrections to be made scattered throughout, fix them and you should be good.

On the second, I love that opening quote! You also chose a fantastic attribute, because like you've probably figured, the thing you want to do for applications is stand out. There are still small errors in grammar to knit through. I wonder how many of your peers will choose their intellect or study skills...

While your third essay was nice, your final piece was perfection. You have the kind of mind that it takes to be a truly successful engineer. And as a Civil finishing up his education -at least inside classrooms- I can tell you that your determination will ultimately be your greatest tool. By the end of your first semester Undergrad engineering school is all the tedium of those classes in high school you never wanted to take until about the end of your sophomore year. If you can last that long, all those building blocks you needed to have can finally be applied on real, tangible studies, and that when all that time working for it really pays off.

Good luck

Undergraduate / "My interest in physics and mathematics" - Why Carnegie Mellon and your major? [4]

Hey there!

Let me start by saying that your essay really does show that you are passionate about being a CIE, and that that amount of space you have devoted to explaining why you like the college is pretty much good right there. There aren't any spelling issues or grammar problems either. And, while you may not yet have a good 'hook' for your opener, that's relatively simple.

In my preference, a good first person narrative voice sets things in motion with minimal effort and tends to yield a highly appealing hook. If you have any autobiographies, take a look at them to see how they start. Try something that isn't necessarily about you, but about the field of physics.

Finally, the last piece of advice I would give is to add some more voice into your paper. Frequently using 'I' and 'me' can leave the reader bored and disinterested.

Hope that helps, good luck with your studies!
Cameron

Graduate / "an analogy to Product Lifecycle Management" - my sop for industrial engineering [4]

Hey there,

You have a good foundation for your essay, and you don't seem to be lacking anything that admissions wouldn't like. In addition, your vocabulary fits into the set without seeming to be There are, however, a number of fractured sentences that will detract from the rest of your essay.

Try not to overuse "I" and "me", and remember to add some voice into your essay.

After that, you should be set!
Cameron

Graduate / Academic background and career strategy SOP: Computer Science [5]

Greetings,

First, I really liked that you took the time to mention the research professor. Admission faculty love it when you honor former professors. There are some slight grammar errors to deal with; replace 'Inevitable' with "Inevitably", for example. There are some other things, like "benefic" that need to be fixed, but if English is your second language then it is indeed quite impressive that your grasp of the language is so complete!

The one recommendation I would make is that your essay could use a better "hook" to draw them in. It isn't a matter of fact that essays are better when they start with "I", but imagine that you are the person reading yours and 3000 other essays. Remember to choose a sentence that will interest the reader over the rest of your competition.

Take these steps and you should have a winner!
Cameron

Undergraduate / "RUN" The prospect of running cross country and track in high school - Essay on Risk I have taken [4]

"On paper, the value of risk is measurable and therefore requires thought and precision. However, when applied to life the outcomes of risks become hazy; the negative possibilities tend to play on our vulnerabilities."

"Reason, taught me to generate conclusions based on rational thinking, while my instincts taught me to go with my gut, to rely on my feeling even if I did not feel comfortable doing so."

There is little that needs to be corrected. I personally like your voice in this, but try to analyze what your audience will be. If this is your professor or class, people you at least know somewhat. In contrast, if this is an essay to people you do not know at all, then try revising the essay to sound more professional. Try looking at some autobiographies if you aren't sure how to continue.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Astrology satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science? [2]

"Although they believe it is the rotations of the planets that cause influenza, in deed, medicines, aspirin, for example, really take more effect in treating illness. If you believe what a fortune-teller says, like you justsimply should pray for Gods, not take medicine, your illness may be more serious."

"When you have an important interview, if you believe what the column says, that today is not a good time for you to apply for a job, probably you will lose a good chance."

"Admittedly, even though they are called non-mainstream "

This is a great paper; the only grammatical errors I could find are the ones shown above. Remember to put a hyphen in all of the non-mainstream entries and you should be golden!

Undergraduate / "different views and experiences about psychology" -Student Exchange SOP [4]

I write with great interest in applying for the 2010 CRÉPUQ fall semester student exchange program with Lyon 2 (Lumière) as a partner university.

Hi Fannie,

The only correction I could make was the red 'a' in the first paragraph. You have an excellent sentence structure and a flowing yet effective narrative in your paper. I think you're good to go!

Undergraduate / "Popular university" - the top five reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech? [2]

There are countless reasons which have made Virginia Tech the best university for me to study Engineering. The university is one of few universities which are ranked best for the program of aerospace engineering in the world. The availability of this program of study made me envious; which is my dream from the childhood itself that I vowed to fulfill. This is my first choice university due to its diversity where there are numbers of students from all over the world with different languages, cultures, religions and so on. (I would separate the paragraphs here) As I am from a different culture than American I enjoy most with diverse people sharing my culture, tradition and language and learning about others' cultures. Additionally the university is renowned for best university of world on in science, technology, engineering, and professional programs where numerous Bachelors and Master degrees are available. The 16:1 student-faculty ratio will make academic life better, as there will be enough staff attention in the classroom with less student distraction. Blacksburg is a beautiful town; a typical rural college town full of restaurants, bars, and clubs and with diverse people and fabulous atmosphere. The park and hiking trail in the campuses are perfect place to enjoy the free time. The weather of this placethe region is moderate, which I enjoy the most. This popular university is my dream school where I can persuade my education on highest level with easy access to research and expert professors.

There were some grammatical issues that had to be resolved, but it's almost to be expected. The most important things to correct are highlighted in red; you have the balance of professionalism and voice figured out, so unless the essay is supposed to be a single paragraph, I would reccomend you seperate the block into two, and flesh them out slightly if you can.

Good luck on your acceptance!

Writing Feedback / May 11, 1996, a DC-9 aircraft operated by ValuJet Airlines, carrying 105 Passengers [3]

Hi Katrina,

This is a very, very well written essay! There are no punctuation or grammar issues, and the voice is both engaging and compelling. The only advice I think I could offer would be to revise the first paragraph. The way it's set up is an excellent lead-in to the rest of your essay, but you have some wiggle room with the number of words left. It might help to make it a bit more obvious that your father isn't, say, smiling at reading about the crashed airliner! (not that they won't figure it out, simply that the first time I read it, I interpreted it poorly)

Hope you get in! Thank you for your service :)
Cameron

Undergraduate / "a patch board toy" - my "why physics" essay [2]

It's a nice essay, but you'll still need a little more at the beginning to set up your essay. I've made some changes you can consider, you might get some inspiration of your own to give it sound more like a narrator writing in the first person. Perhaps you could look at published journals or autobiographies for examples of how to give voice without sacrificing professionalism.

This is an essay intended to show why i choose physics as my major.
My first "toy" is a patch board which enabled recorders and televisions to work after plugged in the sockets. "How does it make them work?" I was eager to figure out the question. My first "surgery" on patch board made me thrilled. Those tangled electronic circuits awed me. I tried to dissemble the components and then reassemble them. After that , I linked the patch board to a TV set and the TV worked! I had successfully completed my first physics research! Unexpectedly however, my grandma got an electric shock of the wire left by me when she stepped near to see my "harvest". I was punished, but the mighty power of the patch board spurred my curiosity. Afterwards, my room turned to a "lab" which was crowded with electric appliances I had experiments on.

In junior high school, I was selected into Physics Competition Class due to my talent and affinity for science subjects , particularly physics. During that period, I devoted so much of myself to physics studying that I even felt relieved when I soldering the twinkling lights on my way home after the night's Competition Class. At last, I entered the final of PCC , breaking the record of my school. From then on, I felt confirmed that I belonged to the world of physics.

I love not only physics itself, but also the application of it's principals . As a member of Honor Physics Science Class in my high school (4/396), I engaged in the application of physics knowledge, through which I directly experienced the charm of physics. Physics is of great importance, ranging from solving problems in daily life to understanding how the world and the universe shape, and its power to change life fascinates me. Thus, I am determined to dedicate myself to broad and profound physics study and advanced research at Rice University. I am incredibly eager to turn the theoretical knowledge I learn at Rice to practical products in real life, which is the spirit of science.

Good luck!
Cameron P