hvthoteen
Aug 11, 2011
Writing Feedback / More and more village workers are not deciding to live in the city and travel in work [3]
"a tremendous number of workers numbers of people is escaping from countryside to urban areas" --> a tremendous number of workers are leaving countryside to urban areas
"This massive transition on daily basis" --> this phrase seems not to have a clear meaning
"I think, in order to overcome these, and following steps should be taken" --> i think the following steps should be taken to solve or at least relieve these problems
One important thing is that you should add your " following steps" to the first paragraph to guide the readers
"Take charity firms for instance, in my country there are thousands of these organizations, who" --> taking charity organizations for instance, in my country, there are thousands of these, which ...
"travel to country" --> travel to big cities
"This would facilities" --> this would facilitate
"overall there will be less number of vehicles on roads, and could less likely impact on environment" --> There will be less vehicles on roads, and less adverse impacts on the environment
"prevent people to move" ---> prevent people from moving
"This would not only lead to increase in job opportunities but would enable to get more"
---> This would not only lead to an increase in job opportunities but also enable people to get more
"Also, by expanding businesses in these areas would hinder them to move" --> In addition, expanding business in these areas would hinder them from moving
I think the way you show your idea in the fourth paragraph is not suitable
Finally, your writing just focus on alleviating traffic congestion and nearly forget environmental issue. Just give more details about how your suggestions help relieve environmental problems.
"a tremendous number of workers numbers of people is escaping from countryside to urban areas" --> a tremendous number of workers are leaving countryside to urban areas
"This massive transition on daily basis" --> this phrase seems not to have a clear meaning
"I think, in order to overcome these, and following steps should be taken" --> i think the following steps should be taken to solve or at least relieve these problems
One important thing is that you should add your " following steps" to the first paragraph to guide the readers
"Take charity firms for instance, in my country there are thousands of these organizations, who" --> taking charity organizations for instance, in my country, there are thousands of these, which ...
"travel to country" --> travel to big cities
"This would facilities" --> this would facilitate
"overall there will be less number of vehicles on roads, and could less likely impact on environment" --> There will be less vehicles on roads, and less adverse impacts on the environment
"prevent people to move" ---> prevent people from moving
"This would not only lead to increase in job opportunities but would enable to get more"
---> This would not only lead to an increase in job opportunities but also enable people to get more
"Also, by expanding businesses in these areas would hinder them to move" --> In addition, expanding business in these areas would hinder them from moving
I think the way you show your idea in the fourth paragraph is not suitable
Finally, your writing just focus on alleviating traffic congestion and nearly forget environmental issue. Just give more details about how your suggestions help relieve environmental problems.