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Posts by Alicegz
Joined: Sep 25, 2011
Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 2
Posts: 25  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 27
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Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / We are so small but yet so powerful. Common App essay! [16]

Thanks so much you guys!
Nicole-yeah I agree. I thought my mom's story was really sweet but I did ramble on about Xinxin for too long. haha

Dilara-I totally missed how all the descriptions seemed to refer to the girl's hair. Do you have any thoughts on the essay in general? Thanks!

Brenda-Thanks alot for your input and I think your suggestion is great! I'll be revising my essay to add in more about my self.
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I did not stop at French and Spanish' - NYU Supplement Essay - Area of Interest [3]

Ok, to be honest, you essay was just plain amazing. I loved your colorful descriptions of the various languages and why you love them!

A language is a looking glass into the people that grewgrew made me think of a plant being grown. maybe try "created" or "fostered" it, because it evolves with them

yes, the ending was a big disconnected from the rest of the essay. maybe you can trying doing this:
Moreover, the expansive study abroad program will allow me to not only gain knowledge about more languages, but also to further immerse myself in other cultures.

Good luck!! and I would be so happy if you could look at my common app essay as well!
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The President of the Hip-Hop Club' - CommonApp Extracurricular - Newspaper [9]

My favorite was definitely the last paragraph. I wish you could talk more about yourself and shorten the introduction about hip-hop.

The tall teenager shuts off the speakers and shakes my hand. "Thanks for interviewing with me," I say. "Can you tell me a little about Theabout your Hip-Hop Club?"

The boyHe grins. "Sure- we make noise. Take away the space in front of "we" That's what hip-hop started out as: folks who didn't have moneywere poor but made sure they were heard. It's important to spread that message and culture are spread , so we appreciate the publicity."

"It's my pleasure," I laugh, scribblingjotting down the quote. I've been the editor of my school's newspaper for two years, and this is why I'm absolutely in love with it.

Every editorial and feature story that we publish is a way for students to put up messages that they think should be seen. Society changes and humanity is kept intact by people who make themselves heard, and I hadn't understood their need for a platform to do so until I joined the newspaper. It was then, leafing through a stack of articles, that I knew I wanted a way to spread my own messages; that realization is what gave way to my passion for art and my desire to communicate through it.

I like the way you approached this prompt and I really hope I helped you cut down some characters!
It would be great if you could check out my common app essay as well:)
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'how diverse I actually am' - William and Mary supplemental [13]

Grammatically wise, it is really good! Overall, it showed your voice and your personality. There were, however, some parts that were a little cliche. Do you think you could find some euphemisms for the "popular kids" and "nerds" part? I think it's best not to write that in your essay. You could just say that you feel comfortable spending time with kids from all kids of cliques. Or that to you, you don't feel like you are hanging out with "cliques". Instead, you feel immersed in your entire community.

Something like that might be better.
Good luck and maybe you can look at my common app essay:)
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / (Why NYU?) - City in a snow globe [6]

Thus, it has inspired me to apply here.I don't think this sentence is that necessary Studying abroad and approaching a language head on is something that I have wanted to do ever since my aunt expressed to me how intriguing and fun it was. Since NYU has a broad language program, I find this aspect of the college to be really captivating; most universities don't really harness linguistics or even have it. I like this! With NYC as my classroom, my language books as the goals I wish to become fluent inmy books as my goals (since the language books are the only books you talk about, I think it will be clear enough), and NYU as my dream bin-which holds my futuretry: NYU as my future , I hope I can turn my dreams into a realitythe dreams in my dream bin into reality .

I think you essay is really sincere and I like how focused it is! It doesn't get too confusing or scattered. There were just a few grammatical errors and I found and I had a few other suggestions. Good luck on your app and I would be glad if you could look at my common app too! thanks
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / The Road book - Columbia essay (write about a book that is meaningful) [18]

I'm not familiar with this prompt. What college is this for?

This is very well written! I am not sure if the title of the book should be italicized or not, since you said that even the author did not use proper grammar in the book.

Good job and I would be grateful if you could take a look at my Yale supplement!
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Curvaceous. Linear. Human tool.' - NYU - What intrigues you? [3]

I love the way you write! Even though some parts are a bit confusing, somehow your essay still works great!
Maybe you can add a bit about what the screwdriver was intended for?
Here are a couple suggestions:
What I see here is rotund,replace with ; it is simulating the motion
The usage consumes me.; it eatsEats me entirely.
There are a few other run-ons, but I think you'll be able to find them.
Great job on your essay!

I would be really happy if you could look at my yale supplement and give me feedback. Thanks:)
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Common app short response, languages at job [7]

I love how you incorporated your love of languages into a short response that was supposed to be about just a work experience.
However, I feel like you shifted your focus from work to language, and then from language to work a bit too suddenly. Without reading at the title, I would have not known whether this essay was supposed to be about your love of different languages or about your job.

Here is just one correction I would make:

I had grown up speaking English and German,replace comma with periodI learned Japanese as an exchange student and am now in my fourth year of taking Chinese.

Overall, I really like your short response and I am so impressed at your language ability! I'm jealous too!

I would be so happy if you could look at my Yale supplement. Thanks:)
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Airplane hum - Yale supplement. [5]

Prompt: You have already told us about yourself in the Common Application, with its list of activities, Short Answer, and Personal Essay. In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

Do you think this essay works? I'm not sure if it is answering the prompt...should it say more about me? I am thinking of adding more at the end about my reflections?

Please be critical!

I excitedly look out the airplane window and see breath-taking reflections of clouds in Atlantic Ocean. It is spring break and I am going to Austria and Germany with my school's Symphony Orchestra for a music tour.

The soft hum from the airplane reverberates in my ears like little pulses of vibratos. It is odd that I can hear this sound since chatter usually covers it up. As I look around my seat, I realize that almost no one is talking. All I hear from the row behind me is the clicking of Nintendo DC's. All I hear from the row to my right is the faint music coming out of the student's headphones, and their feet taping along to the beat. All I hear from the row diagonal from my seat is the giggles in reaction to a romantic comedy the girls are watching. All I hear from the people two rows down is...nothing. Like my friend who is comfortably cuddled in her seat next to me right now, the people in that row are asleep. Why is no one talking? Why are they playing video games, listening to music, watching movies, and sleeping, but not interacting with anyone? People nowadays are too entrenched is their personal worlds; they forget that there is a bigger and better one around them. If only they would lift their heads for just one minute, they would see that. I admit; I am taking a part in this too. But I have an excuse; the girl next to me is asleep. However, doesn't everyone have an excuse? We could all say that we have something better to do. No. We need to stop making justifications for our actions. We need to start talking to friends, families, and even strangers. We need to spread the word. Then perhaps the video gamers would start discussing strategies with other gamers. The music lovers would start to sing a duet with their friends. The movie lovers would start to talk about the unexpected plot change. And as for me, instead of recording my thoughts, maybe I should tell them to the world.
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Columbia Meaningful Activity - Environment. Need to turn in TONIGHT! [7]

Sorry this is really late. I hope you haven't your app in already!
I actually really like the beginning-it sets a really nice premise! You could cut the first line about your surroundings (notes, practices, test tubes) but I like the rest because I could literally see the sophomores and you in the front of the room. It confused me a bit why you were belting the words out though.

Good job on your essay and best of luck to you!
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shouldn't I type this instead?" - On handwriting - Commonapp essay [18]

I'm glad you are applying to an all-women school! These liberal arts colleges are a bit underrated, but they should be celebrated. I'm also applying to a all-female school! I'm applying to Wellesley, which is also in Massachusetts. So we might be in the same state next year! Btw, isn't Smith's early decision deadline November 15th?

Good luck with your essays!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Science saved my life' - Reflect on an idea or experience [3]

Your experience is very inspiring and this was very well written! I think you could reflect on it more though. Since you have over 100 words left until you reach the word limit, you should expand on how this disease has affected you.

In my class I recently learned about lumbar punctures and since you want to be a physician and you are using the scientific names for almost everything else, maybe you can write lumbar punctures instead of spinal taps to make things balanced. That is just my two cents though.

Overall, good job and good luck! It would be great if you could take a look at my essay!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I came to the United States from Taipei, Taiwan' significant experience- Common App [7]

I love your topic because I had to make that same difficult decision when I was 9:) My ride on the way to the airport was bittersweet and I still remember it clearly as well! I picked my name from Alice in Wonderland...haha

Since your word count is under 400 right now, I would suggest adding more on how your life is right now instead of ending it abruptly. You should talk more about how moving to the US has impacted you. Has it changed your views on accepting change or something like that?

Good luck and it would be great if you could look at my essay:)
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / Grocery Shopping-Common Application Essay [6]

If you want to keep this topic, I think with a little work, it could be inspiring.
First, why does your father insist on buying things on sale in spite of the terrible food that his family will have to endure? You should make that clear. If it is because of a monetary issue, like if your family can't afford regular priced food, then this essay would be great to talk about your poor economic situation and how you still manage to thrive academically and in your community.

If it is not because of that reason, then it would be a bit harder to make this essay work. The reason is because his hobby doesn't really have anything to do with you except that you have to eat bad food. Reacting badly to Great Grains doesn't really say much about your personality or your values.

Good luck though!
It would be great if you could look at my essay too!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / My father, the driver. Commonapp essay. [4]

I really liked your father's story! I think you could have focused more on you and what you learned from his experiences though. I think that dedicating half or more of your essay to yourself would give us a better insight into you. Maybe you can give an example of how you have implemented his values into your life?

Overall, good job!
I would love it if you could take a look at my essay:)
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Chinese calligraphy' - Rice- Unique Life Experiences and Perspective [11]

Wow that was very good!! I really like your writing style!
Here is my suggestion:

"Come on, you only get two minutes left; you have finished two-thirds, just insistpersist ,"

I don't know if you meant persist instead of insist, but I think the persist makes more sense in this context.

Good Luck with Rice!

I would really appreciate it if you could look at my essay too!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / College App 'Engineering is my dream' [3]

Here are some of my suggestions:
through various articles, ads, and the praise from fellow classmates and I've read about its diverse community and scenic campus, which I soon hope to be part of

NJIT's programs would be a great place to learn about people from different backgrounds and experiences from their programs, f. F or example, I would love to join the Muslim Student Association, which is a social group for Muslim students on campus. Immediately I realized that this was the school for me.

Furthermore, from what I have read in the printed literature I've read aboutof the campus, I have realized that its location suits me perfectly.

By print literature, do you just mean a brochure? If so, just write brochure instead.

I would love it if you could help me with my essay too:)
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the Directed Studies Program' - why Yale [4]

I applaud you for applying to Yale in spite of other people's remarks.
Here are some of my suggestions:
writenwritten by a Yale freshman who growsgrew up in the same city I'm living in
Good Luck!

It would be great if you could help me with my essay:)
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / We are so small but yet so powerful. Common App essay! [16]

Which essay were you referring to? Was it the second one? Thanks for the comment and I'll definitely take that into consideration! I'm more leaning into using the first essay for my common app though. It would be great if you could give me feed back on the 1st one. Thanks!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'medical equipment' - Why Duke Engineering? [3]

I had never thought of how medical equipments, not only in the ambulance, but in general, were made or who designed them.

Reading your essay, I could really tell that you had a passion for BME!

I would be so happy if you could help me with my essay too!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my energy in the classroom' - Why UPenn and what can you contribute? [6]

I like your essay-it's really sincere!
There are some changes you can make:

I overcame this challenge withendless pages of notes and endless hours of studying.

I love this part: Above all, I know that going to the University of Pennsylvania will give me the knowledge, experiences, and opportunities to lengthen my lever

It's cute:)

I would love it if you could look at my essay too!
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shouldn't I type this instead?" - On handwriting - Commonapp essay [18]

WOW! You're essay is so eloquent, descriptive, and just really well written!! What colleges are you thinking of applying to?
I agree with the others in the fact that this essay is a bit risqué just because it's not talking about your accomplishments or anything. Instead, it is talking about one of your flaws. However, it still manages to give us a great sense of who you are and it tells us that you embrace yourself. So I think you made this topic work great and honestly, I love it.

There are alot of run-on sentences in this essay though. I corrected most of them, but the ones that I didn't correct I just put in green, so you can just correct those yourself. Also your original word count was over 800 words. I understand that to get across all of your thoughts, you want to keep every sentence. But 300+ words over is not ideal. There are definitely things here that you can delete.

Good job on the essay and I would be so happy if you could give me some feedback on my essay:) My essay is called "We are so small but yet so powerful" Thanks!

"Shouldn't I type this instead?", she paused, wondering if she should be on her best behavior. Since the common app essay should, and in this case, will, be typed. Maybe you can change this to "should I write this by hand instead?" Then tweak the following sentences a bit. You could say "though a typed essay is Tidy, neat, standardized, and easy to read, a handwritten essay would showcase me better."

I also suggest cutting out the word tidy in "tidy, neat, standardized, and easy to read" because since tidy and neat are synonyms, it is redundant.

This was a college admission essay, after all. An entry for a beauty contest. They would expect her to be professional. Tidy, neat, standardized, and easy to read. She smiled, the smile of a goblin, full of mischief. She was no angel. Appalling others was her gift. She would like to know whether they could bear with her or not. In order to be admitted, she was supposed to write this essay. In order to get to know her, they are supposed to wade through her sloppy handwriting. Her world is highly selective too, just like their college. She was a vicious gatekeeper, and very few people were let in. As uncle Freud would have explained, unpleasant childhood memories results in distrust toward humanity.

Her handwriting is, disappointingly, not too hideous, and perfectly legible, which means that she still plans to play by the rules ], take out the comma and replace it with 'by' walking the fine line between compliance and defiance. They are not even, however. try replacing that with "However, the line is not even . The Stravinsky-style and cacophonous strokes vary widely. Inconsistency permeates through her writing and her psyche. She finds herself metamorphosed through every word. Her spirits are never anchored but still in time. Like the flutters of the butterfly, her thoughts palpitate. She came to understand why her scores fluctuate, running wild in a zigzag line, eluding all efforts of explaining, as she looked at her straight A friends' handwriting. Block by block, carefully crafted, one after another, the letters mirror the rhythm of their mental pulses. This is how they work, in chronological order, with consciousness wholly wrapped up in the present, and flowing in peace with the current of time. Such peace has been a luxury that she could only afford once in a while, when ideas work like magnet, pulling her out of the maelstrom of emotions, crystallizing her fragmented existence into one . Yet those moments are rare. All too often her mind leaps in anguish, spanning the past and the future all at once. All too often she is seized in a flood of memories and prophecies. Confronted with a test, she would jump back to the time she did fine, the time she did wrong, and forth to what would happen if she failed. She paces frantically, gobbling up too much at once, in an unladylike manner. Her mechanics are inherently flawed. This was a confession. If the Admission Officers expect consistent performance, she's afraid she would fail them. Her mood is not to be trusted.

With her handwriting she interweaves other particles of her life, startled by the way they overlap one another. Her words orchestrate themselves in space with magnanimity, like minuscule islands surfaced from the vast sea of blankness, loosely stringed together. Then the white space seeps in, as a punctuation mark, as a lapse of silence, the silence that soaks up her uneventful life. Like a coffee filter, she savors life in small modicums, not chopping up time like carrot, not spreading herself thin over too many. She has a few close friends, living most of her life in Saigon, surrounded by her family. Nothing exotic happens, but she is contented. Humans often cram in more than they could digest. They travel too much and meet too many people. They shift from one place to another, feeding on samples, sliding on the surface. Once she heard a man bragging about how he had met the egotist, the unassuming, the self-centered, the altruist, etc., and citing a collection of labels rather than individuals. She smiled and replied that she had also met all of those, in one person. Perhaps that's all she could handle. Sacrificing breadth for depth. No one could have both. As life flashes through her eyes like a fast-paced movie, she needs the white space all the more, the lapse of silence in which she switches to her hibernation mood and replays her whole day, searching for the cues she missed. She is afraid that she did not see through the performance of happiness put on by those dearest to her, the smile they squeezed out in pain, the jokes they tossed to keep her off. She is afraid that they suffer alone without her knowing, and that she has been too busy to go beyond asking "How are you?", and would let it go as soon as they say "I'm fine". Negligence is a vice that she would not forgive herself, and she plans to continue with her life diet, determined not to cram full, and thus poison, just delete that comma her claustrophobic world.

This has not been easy to read, she knew. She should have made herself more palatable, as her mother often complained. Still she wants to be accepted for who she is, spotted like a leopard, delete the comma and add "and" sandwiched with layers of good and bad. As the Admission Officers has limped to an end (congrats!) delete , she confessed that she wrote her essay by hand not merely to appall, but to let them know that she was thinking about them, that she was writing for them only, this part is unnecessary. the college she holds so dear, 'though Common app would not let spell their name. this part is confusing and it doesn't really connect to anything She slaves to reproduce piece by piece, for her love cannot be distributed indiscriminately, at a click. I understand what you're saying...but since you are sending it through the common app, it will be through a 'click' She guessed, after all, she could not be as nasty as she wished.
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / We are so small but yet so powerful. Common App essay! [16]

Hi! This is my Common App essay. I don't think it's very good, but I like the topic. I wanted to make it more personal so I added the second paragraph, but it's too abrupt, I know. It would be great if you guys could read it and give feedback on whether it gives enough insight into me as a person, if the flow is good, and if it's a good Common App essay in general. Thanks soo much! btw, please be harsh!

Looking up above the spruce trees, past the 20-story high buildings, and at the last traces of clouds, I see not just the moon and stars, but also the universe that they make up. Compared to the 100,000 light year-wide Milky Way galaxies and the possibly infinitely large universe, I feel smaller than an infinitesimal speck, more powerless than a caged bird, and never more significant than any other human, knowing that no matter what I accomplished, my short life will soon only become a forgotten, distant memory. This was how I used to view humans' places in the world- as minute, unimportant, and restrained. I used to feel like we were just another combination of all the innumerable atoms on Earth; we were nothing different from ants or bacteria, but just had a different distribution of atoms. Now, however, I have realized that our existence was no coincidence at all. We were created to make advances and leave our mark in this world.

When I was young, just the thought of the size of our world terrified me to tears. My earlier experiences partly influenced this thinking. From the ages of two to five, I got extremely high fevers and went to the hospital every few weeks for shots. There was no diagnosis and I was scared that all the people I loved would suddenly be gone; that I would be gone. Fear drove my body to work harder to defend myself, and by the time I started kindergarten I was a braver girl with a stronger immune system. I was afraid that I would be forgotten, but at the end I realized that I had the power to push myself to get better.

I feel like our unique attributes set us apart. Our ability to love and hate, amuse and dishearten, captivate and repel are our special characteristics. We have taken resources provided by nature and innovated them into other-worldly creations. Our philosophies, technologies, sciences, and arts have made us advanced and have given us complex ideologies. Even though we are miniscule, our size is not a direct correlation to our power. Our abilities to feel and think are the real indications of strength.

The realization of our powers has propelled me to play my part in the advancement of our society. My constant pondering about our role in this world has led me to pursue in a variety of activities that involve anything from performing at retirement homes to researching in medical labs.

In addition, I have started to believe that my abilities do not just lie in the realm of playing piano or doing western blot, but that I can also influence my community by just initiating conversations with an unfamiliar acquaintance or spending more time with my family and friends. Reaching out to others in even the smallest way can create a monumental difference in somebody's day, and the power of one person can lead to the strength of our world.

Word count: 496

You guys don't have to read this part if you don't want to. Today I was trying to write a new one and I decided to write about how I cried about everything when I was young, and how I have evolved into a stronger person. This is the beginning of it. Thanks:)

"Honey, please stop crying. What is it this time?" my mother exasperated. It was only the first week of daycare and my mom, who works nearby, had already been phoned three times to come to the school and tame my uncontrollable cries. I tried to respond, but my throat was clenching too tightly around my larynx. Finally, between my rhythmic alternations of sobs and hic-ups, I managed to gasp out, "but mom, Sophie kicked me and it still hurts!" And so the crying continues.

That was me when I was young. I was not spoiled or perpetually sad; I just had a strange obsession with this act of secretomotor phenomenon. I cried every time someone pulled my hair, called me a crybaby; every time I recited the multiplication table wrong, or swallowed water in the swimming pool. Not only did I never stand up for myself, I was also weak. As I grew older and entered elementary school, my emotions began to stabilize.

I remember I was at one of my school swim team's daily practices in the outdoor pool that we rented. I remember panting as the nine-year-old me kicked furiously in an attempt to finish the last 50 meters of my twenty laps of backstroke. Listening to the pellets of rain echoing as they splashed mercilessly on the water as well as my face, I remember willing to give anything to be like those people that were snuggled up on their couches, watching the weather reporter talk about the storm invading the city outside. My skin was numb and my body was on the brink of collapse, but my brain had not been affected by the harsh weather. The whole time it reminded me that even though practice was hard, my persistence would help me until the end.
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