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Posts by moon05
Joined: Nov 25, 2011
Last Post: Jan 10, 2013
Threads: 13
Posts: 132  
From: Bangladesh

Displayed posts: 145 / page 1 of 4
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moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Grammar, Usage / Plot analysis on "The story of an hour" [2]

The feeling of losing your significant other

one's

The freedom that she nearly could of tasted was gone.

Have

I think you should work on your First line
moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Sense of Independence, Witness bigger & better things; TRANSFER OBJECTIVES - NYU [2]

of just 150 kids total

Shouldn't there be a "IN" before "total"?

So you are a English major? That's why it seems without grammatical mistakes and well structured...
So did you just get in UB for a change in the environment? Nothing more? I mean it just seemed to you a good place and you went there? I don't think so...

So, why not state out all the opportunities you were hoping for...

moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / My passion made me a geek; USC Viterbi supplement: Nerd or Geek? [8]

If there is no word limit then I urge you to add as much as possible about your quad copters and the things you are always interested about, share some amazing facts on Robotics...

Show it in the essay that you are a real GEEK!

moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / My passion made me a geek; USC Viterbi supplement: Nerd or Geek? [8]

And I must confess; I am a geek.

As you are going to write it at the end and where it should be you might consider not writing it here...

You didn't mention any word limit! If you don't have much then I guess whatever it's there now is okay! If there is even a little more then try to get some more feelings for engineering after the quad copter line. It's for a engineering essay after all, right?
moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / The land of opportunities; Berea Essay- Education+ Life experience Overview/ Plans [6]

I think I didn't paste here the whole essay!!!

The land of opportunities, the dream land, the land of luxury and many more names are given by people to the United States. But for me it is a land of education and technology where intelligence is respected and education is given at the highest standard possible. Quality education being one of the highest priorities of mine, I have chosen USA for my higher studies and for that reason I believe that Berea is the place where I will be able improve myself from all aspects including leadership, studentship, sportsmanship and most importantly to be a better human being.

I always dreamt about studying in USA. This is not a dream that just belongs to me; it also belongs to my parents. Most of the family of my father's side is well educated but if I look at the other one, my mother's, then I can see them barely completing high school and some not even that. So they look on to me as the person who will live all their dreams, achieve all that they couldn't. But there has been always a great hindrance, money. This is the thing that has always prevented me, my family to get what we have wanted. Though they have always tried their best they could never get me admitted in an English Medium school, the school that is yet a better solution among the education prevailing in Bangladesh. Yet I never complain and I never will. Despite this financial setback they never failed to fulfill my wishes. Now they want to see me get educated and live the life I wish. They want me to live all the happy moments they never could. Because of all these expectation from all these people including my parents I want to take the big step of getting educated from Berea, an institution that will make me a great example for my nation to want to be.

I got to know about the undergraduate programs accessible for me at USA quite a while back. I even got to know about an exchange program for high school students but I just never went deep for that information. Gradually as I learned more about undergraduate studies and that the institutions also provide financial aid I began to look for information wherever I could. My search went on only through the internet, till I found out about EducationUSA an organization under the US government that helps students, with most updated and accurate information on higher studies in the USA. After going there I found out that I no longer had time for the exchange program and I just had to focus on the opportunities that were left for me- Undergraduate Studies.

Why I want to join Berea?

First of all Berea is an institution that is totally exceptional compared to the ones in my country and as a result has the level of education unimaginable for one living in Bangladesh. As my main intention is to learn, I looked for all the advantages I have in Berea, and as far as I saw there are only advantages for me: everywhere. I will be able to learn in a classroom averaging ten-twelve students, the opportunity I never had in my school and is unthinkable in the universities here. I will be able to talk with the professors and solve problems whenever possible and will be able to get onto class discussions as much as possible. With the help of the experienced professors there, my dread for Chemistry will at last get to an end!

The community I will get at Berea is perfect for me to flourish my volunteer and leadership skills. I have organized many fundraising programs to collect money, to collect clothes and food for the poor children living in the streets and the slum. As illiteracy is a big setback in Bangladesh for development I have organized some education programs through the organization called Bondhushava in the rural areas. I have also taken on projects while in 9th grade to educate the slum children living nearby my previous school. I teach Science and Math at a nearby orphanage, 8 hours a week. I have managed to enroll some of the bright ones to my previous school with scholarship, as they couldn't afford the tuition. So, I will try to get involved with the children organizations there. Other than that I will also get a host family at Berea, which will be a new and hopefully great experience for me.

I also have to mention the generosity of Berea. But I am very lucky that with the guidelines of my adviser at the EducationUSA I found out about Berea. Berea will not let financial situations come between me and my higher studies and that is the kind of opportunity I need right now, to get a step closer to my goal and dream more.

I do plan to return to my country after completion of my Bachelors, but that would be only for a short visit. I plan on getting graduated in Engineering through the Dual Degree program or a Masters, back in the US. Then wish to be heading off to get a PhD in the field of Physics, the one that I would be greatly engrossed in while doing my Bachelors. As I intend to be a researcher I will try my best to get into a University and sharpen my research skills by being a research faculty. My country doesn't have enough research facilities for me to be a great researcher. But again I do plan to share my knowledge with my fellow Bangladeshi's while I will be visiting my country, maybe through teaching at Universities.

These are almost all of the reasons for which I want to apply all my energy, enthusiasm and experience in Berea College and get a word class education, not just for me but for all who have put faith in me.
moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Scholarship / Financial Analyst; MICHAEL'S MOTIVATION LETTER , MSC FINANCE AT CARDIFF,UK [4]

Do not start with Firstly, Secondly....
You get a scholarship that easily, I don't think so!!
I guess way many people are applying for the same spot and it's just way short!
I didn't get enough neither in the first para nor in any other!
Shouldn't you be saying about your experiences more! Try to tell more about the institution and tell why you need the scholarship or why you are the one whom the scholarship should be given to... I guess any reader would want to hear about more on what you wanna do you in the future...

moon05   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / The land of opportunities; Berea Essay- Education+ Life experience Overview/ Plans [6]

Prompt:
1. An overview of your educational and life experiences;
2. What you plan to do after completing your education;
3. Why you wish to return (or not return) to your home country;
4. Description of ways you have positively impacted your community.


Please do whatever you can do with it I just got a couple of hours before submitting it! Do not know of my intro, ending, body, anything! JUST HELP ME!!!

The land of opportunities, the dream land, the land of luxury and many more names are given by people to the United States. But for me it is a land of education and technology where brilliance is respected and education is given at the highest standard possible. Quality education being one of the highest priorities of mine, I have chosen USA for my higher studies and for that reason I believe that Berea is the place where I will be able improve myself from all aspects: leadership, studentship, sportsmanship and the last but not the least be a better human being.

I always dreamt about studying in USA. This is not a dream that just belongs to me; it also belongs to my parents. Most of the family of my father's side is well educated but if I look at the other one, my mother's, then I can see them barely completing high school and some not even that. So they look on to me as the person who will live all their dreams, achieve whatever they couldn't achieve. But still there has been always a great hindrance, money. This is the thing that has always prevented me, my family to get what we have wanted. Though they have always tried their best they could never get me admitted in an English Medium school, the school that is yet a better solution among all the worse situations of education prevailing in Bangladesh. But I never complain and I never will. Despite this financial setback they never failed to fulfill my wishes. Now they want to see me get educated and live the life I wish. They want me to live all the happy moments they never could. Because of all these expectation from all these people including my parents I want to take the big step of getting educated from Berea, an institution that will make me a great example for my nation to want to be.

I got to know about the undergraduate programs accessible for me at USA quite a while back. I even got to know about an exchange program for high school stud
moon05   
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / A Frog Among the Fish; Supplement about being Brazilian [10]

Maybe describe things a little more... Rephrase some lines... Didn't get fun as got from the Air part!
Air and Water is equally important for a frog, right? So you have to show that in the essay

moon05   
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / 'garbage collector' - GEORGETOWN SUP/ How I describe me best [5]

Now that's something like a good essay :D

Though you could have give the reader a little fun if you had found something freaking unimaginable!
Still now it's better than the previous version, with the lines added in the ending...

moon05   
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / 'garbage collector' - GEORGETOWN SUP/ How I describe me best [5]

Whatever you do, they will continue throwing trash around.

So, with my sister, helper and some gloves, we set out to clean the incredible mess.

Who is the helper? Are you indicating your sister? If, then say "my sister as helper"

Then that very night, when the electricity was out, I saw fire outside and realized they were burning trash!

Is this the trash you guys cleared out? Or is it a new thing they are doing? Describe.

I realized that it was up to those educated about these things to share with others the knowledge

Seems kinda Awkward... You might wanna rephrase it!
Okay so if you don't have a weird word limit then tell about some of the unimaginable things you found from the trash! So, your neighbors were ignorant... Ignorant of what? You worked hard all day long to clear out their trash, that? Or, is it they are ignorant of the environment getting polluted? Or both? Mention it... At long last did you do anything after all this, any awareness kinda program.... mention it.. If not then that's okay too as you have already said it through the last line.
moon05   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Hospital/ Defibrillator/ Bio-engineering; PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

when I entered into the hospital,

at thisthat moment I realized my purpose in

It was like you were in the world of Medicine, Biomedical Engineering, Maths, Physics and everything related to your academics and suddenly you just somehow reached the world of hobbies and extracurricular activities!!! Go slow... like you take a vehicle and travel from this world to that one! TRANSITION is the thing you need between the two paragraphs...

Try to join your extracurricular activities with your academics.. How you took classes/courses/participate in some NGO's program/ Volunteer in a hospital to get experience for the career you have selected.. Only surfing the internet won't do! But you do need to emphasize on the internet thing too. Say a little more about the things you have learned from the internet. Your design courses, tie it with the design skills needed in college, say that you have an extra edge with the knowledge of AutoCAD.

You didn't tell anything about the Typhoid vaccine! What happened! You did get it, right? Did you happen to get impressed by the skills of the doctor? Give a little description of that too...

Post it again and we will see what can be done...

moon05   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Determined and driven person ; How you envision yourself 10 years from now? [3]

become a lawyer due to the strong

beacause of

But despite all these problems, instead of wanting to flee the country, it made me love my country even more.

In my mind,

I think that/ something else

During my stay in the university,

During my university years

bombarded with the questions

do Iyou envision myyour self in

my mind has been made up.

you could just say " I have made up my mind"

Just tell more about the town! How does it not have all the equipments? What are the problems that people are facing right now? Have you seen something that has moved you? Remember any event that has helped you, even a bit, to take the decision to be a doctor? What do you hope to do in the town that might improve the circumstances drastically (if you wanna :D)

There's so many ways to make it lengthy!!!

moon05   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / A Frog Among the Fish; Supplement about being Brazilian [10]

in order to fully recognize whilewhat lies on the

For the conclusion, you could at first show some characteristics of the frog (which you have already done, I mean some more) and then just tie it with what you have learned all in short. oh and definitely keep "Ribbit" at last!

Everything seems nice, got to learn some new things about Brazil but no offense I think it wasn't that captivating! :( Sorry!
I think you should make you Water part a little more "not like how it is now"... try to say it any other way!

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Technological Studies; United World College/ Most interesting subject [4]

Through the use of Mechanics, Pneumatics, electronics and programming, the reason I like it so much is because unlike other subjects it has the perfect blend of practical and theoretic work.

everything before "The reason" should be after "theoretic work"

without my teacher I wouldn't have such a mindset.

If I hear of an issue I'm not aware of isn't default and ridicule it

didn't get it

aren't all I bring to the table

kind, curiou s and extremely laid back

hope I can fu

Don't see anything to add or subtract! You have just told everything the prompt asks for...
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

As eleven year olds, the group ran head first into unknown situations with no plans nor back up.

First year, saves 10 characteres

soul-sucking creatures

stating them as Dementors can save you 13 characters!

artefact

isn't that supposed to be artifact

yeah does make sense... need a lot of characters to go away.. And most importantly the Harry Potter fans ain't gonna like it! :D
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Inspire/ Entertain/ Enlighten; UNC - Message in a bottle [3]

I think you should change the ending para.. Tie it back to the starting.. Say something again about the fact that you have written it, put it in a bottle and threw it in the sea...

Without that everything's great...

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

hey fsolano94 I think whatever it is now with that sentence is okay (it's quite complicated though)!

as the author has to describe what she has already done in the future (kinda past) but she is describing that right now (kinda future)..

so it's a mix

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

I didn't actually get what you said.. maybe explain it a little bit more..
But assuming what you should tell them you wanna learn more/thrive more or you will have to tell you are good at:


LEADERSHIP POTENTIAL, INDIVIDUALITY, INTELLECT

Explain it again, then I maybe of help!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

You are most welcome! Yeah I need to have a break myself too :D This essay was hell lot of trouble just with the ending! But we have eventually pulled out something good that's what matters!!!

Do give me a like if you find me helpful! D I am collecting likes in my SACK!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

Yes of course your one seems better than mine! :D
Glad that you pulled that out of your head!

My head just blew off while getting that sentence out from the brain, I hope the same thing happened with yours too! :D
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

do something revolutionary like that.

I will not have made the entire world a better place, but in order to do that, one has to start small, and with Kony out of the picture, one will be able to focus on other important problems and solve them gradually.

I think you should write it like this, though think about it.

If we can go on with this pace, who know the world may eventually become a better place!

How about that as a ending?
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / My Love - Soccer Commonapp Short answer Question [6]

Well it is good overall but there should have been a better ending! I just don't know how to squeeze one in this freaking character limit... As I, myself somehow put something in this 1000 character thing!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / LIVE WITHOUT FEAR; Camp Rising Sun App / HONOR & BETTER WORLD [17]

many governments, organizations and devoted persons.

as a result there of, arrest, of Joseph Kony.

as a result, the arrest of Joseph Kony

it touched something deep inside me .

me deep down

that they had for years without me knowing.

didn't get what you wanted to say

When saw a TV-program about the robot Curiosity, when it landed on Mars, I realized that I wanted to do something like that.

When I saw a TV-program on the landing of the robot Curiosity on Mars, I realized....

I have always loved technology, gadgets and computers, and then I found out I could work with it along with a new idea .

as the soldiers looking for him will finally k now, where to find him.

All the children he has abducted can return home and people can return to their villages and stop living a life filled with fear for Kony and his rebelious army.

You have to work with the ending..
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Essays / Qualities of a Global Citizen (help with theme) [7]

What theme do you want? It's all stated in the prompt!
First of all just tell what you understand of the words GLOBAL CITIZEN... What do you expect from him/her... Now describe the qualities you think a Global Citizen should have... state a person who you think of as a Global Citizen, who has done some good works for the society, for his/her country. This person's work might be helpful even for the whole world.. One of his.her traits/qualities you admire... Describe a event when you have shown a quality of a Global Citizen.. It isn't necessarily have to be the one that you admire. Last of all how you have helped your community/society... Don't forget to give a conclusion...
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Born in India' - Duke COMMONAPP: Why I want to be an Engineer [4]

and started thinking infrom different perspectives tofor the same problem.

in it that I sawwatched all the tutorials in two days.

I got to knowlearned how programming involved nothing else but logic,

decided that I wanted to developpursue a career in computer science.

if you want to change, it's okay as it is...

I am also interested in flying robots - UAV! :D But I haven't made one yet...
I would have said that you should expand a little on why you wanna get in DUKE... But the ending you made is quite perfect.. So no need if you don't want to.. But I would advise you to write a little more on in robot part..

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Graduate / Strategic management; Motivation letter Erasmus Mundus Programme [5]

The thing is I really don't know the rules of Writing Graduate SOPs/Letters!
I just corrected the structure/sentences...
So whatever you think needs to be there, keep it...
Do give a like if you found my post helpful... :D
I am collecting likes, as much as I can :D
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Research Papers / Comparison essay between android and apple [4]

You can start giving a description going between Android and Apple. Then go on with the benefits we have with android or in other way the things that can be easily done with android. Then do the same with Apple. After that for both go on with the things/effects theyl ack, the problems one has to face using these... How one has one feature and the other doesn't have it..

and then close it with a good conclusion...
I guess that's all!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / "celebrated, not tolerated"; Common App/Personal Statement(transfer) [5]

My reasons for wanting to be an engineer are identical to why my family members choose their career path: I am passionate about it

The sentence in a whole is not correct. first of all you should be saying,My reasons to be an engineerthen the rest of the line, I couldn't make out what you wanted to say. from further reading I think you wanted to say:

My reasons to be an Engineer is partly because of my family members and partly as I am passionate about it.
or something like that

I knew I would follow suit the first day I entered my grandfather's workshop .

It should bethemormy grandfather . If the latter one then you have to substitute the latter highlighted part withhis workshop

limited English, and no friends to speak ofwith .

and the dream for I once had so much passion,for slowly faded away.

"Why my life is such a bore? "

Why my life is so boring?

So you have told about "ONE SEED" and just in the following line you went onto "SEEDS".. So think about it and turn it into SEED or SEEDS.

Should you be saying that the current college you attend doesn't show your best performances or it doesn't give you the opportunities to excel in your performance? or should you be saying both? Or is it not technologically equipped enough to provide you with what you need? Again think about it and then show the causes..

You mentioned about your Grandfather earlier and said you spent a lot of time in his workshop and that's how you got into engineering... So shouldn't you pull him back again in the end!

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Video Games / Game Programming logic; Common App - Significant experience [6]

Did you count your words? It's only 199!!! The lower limit is 250!

Does this essay fulfill the requirement of the question?

I don't think at all! Don't be offended, the Common App essay is like one of the most important things they wanna see beside your test scores and school activities. Even you are a perfect scorer in the SAT and I assume if you are one then you are applying to top tier universities, then they would really be looking at your COMMON APP ESSAY!

The prompt is Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.... So you have to show that kinda thing.. What you have now shown doesn't fully get in that category. Either try to fill it in with MEANINGFUL and practical words OR try a new story!


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