Undergraduate / Statement: Studying People my Whole Adult Life [6]

Hello. Are you going to be working towards a particular degree? If so it would be good to describe exactly what you are interested in and why. Also what will you do with this education? You say that you have been studying people for years so maybe you are talking about sociology/ psychology/ social psychology?

Research Papers / Outline for death penalty research paper? [11]

So do you mean that if the teacher never requested an outline you would have no use at all for making one?

Isn't the point of an outline to plan out your paper before you start working so that you don't wander off track. If you, however, write the paper first then what is the use of writing an outline to help write a paper that is already written?

Essays / Essay on 'Power of Organizations'. [6]

Hello, you could also consider researching corruption amongst these powerful organizations. If you are talking about companies you could talk about how huge companies use questionable methods to ensure financial stability.

A book I am reading now is called "Confessions of an Economic Hitman." In it the author tells about how he was an "Economic Hitman" meaning that he was an agent for a major company that would travel around and use bribery, intimidation, and extortion in order to keep minor governments and other companies around the world in the pocket of the company he was working for. It is almost like he was a CIA agent who used silent and covert manipulation to benifit his employers. Of course the company denies all of his allegations but it is still a fascinating read.

btw: Kevin, I love how of all the giant ferocious animals that you could have chosen from to describe Wal-Mart you chose a dinosaur! As if Wal-Mart is getting ready to go extinct to make room for some of those "little animals" to evolve into something better! :D

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

See I figure that if you can write a serious essay that makes use of the first person correctly and effectively you should get credit for it. If there is nothing wrong with the thing itself but only that many times it is misused then using it correctly should give you extra credit if anything, ha ha!

Very interesting Sean! There are so many games that we humans have to play in our lives that seem to have no practical purpose for really making anything more effective at all. Writing certainly has its share of games. (The use of first person in serious essays, ending sentences with a preposition, and we all talked about the many strange forms of proper citation) Although I will say that it is games like these that give languages their own sound and style that change through culture and time. So like any other game I suppose it can be fun!

Undergraduate / My racing mind filled with worries regarding my future. UCF Personal Statement (obstacle, family) [4]

I like how this blends the two topics together into one flowing narrative.

Maybe you should try to talk more about how college will mean alot to you because you only have one sentence that talks about this. I see that you have 506 words so you might have to cut some stuff out. It just depends what you think the reader will want to read about. (I'm sure they would like to hear about how cool you think their college is!)

Scholarship / The final input came from my brother-in-law, cardiologist - why did you choose this career? [8]

Arriving here, I finally felt like the choice of my own career belonged to me. Health-care was my passion and the opportunity had finally come for me to make my own decision.

---I wouldn't use the word "arrive" again so soon.---

My first job in the United States was as an Anesthesia technician at Brackenridge/Children Hospital of Austin.It was a job that gave me ample opportunity to research and observe the majority of health-care careers.

In my search for my future career I received input from every health-care professionalthat I ever met about the positive and negative aspects of their ownwork.

---Again, I wouln't use the word "career" again so soon.--- (heh, heh get it?...nvm...)

The final input came from my brother-in-law, a cardiologist, which introduced me to the field of echocardiography.

Overall good job in showing your ample work experience and story. One thing that could be just a matter of taste is that you might want to talk more about what you like about sonography specifically. You spend alot of time talking about how you got to the point where you decided to get into your chosen field but not explicitely why.

As it stands it looks like the only reason you want to go into sonography is because you wish you could understand the big words your brother was saying to you. There are big words thrown around in many scientific professions so why choose this one?

You could talk about how sonography allows you to connect with the patients more by giving them a visual that they can understand for what is happening inside them. This can be comforting as most people going to the hospital don't really understand all the technicalities of what their doctors are talking about. A picture, however, can be of great comfort and understanding for patients. (I don't know, maybe you wont be showing the patients their echo pictures but just try to come up with something more specific for why you chose this field. Good luck!)

Graduate / Need help SOP - architecture [5]

[/b]The reason why I choose to study abroad is to extend my horizons, especially in ways that will be benificialfor my chosen major. In my opinion, Europe has got beautiful cities with fantastic environments.

---This sentence is somewhat confusing---
A good management in its environment acts as a leading point in mantaining its problems integratedly.
---Do you mean a good "manager?" In this case the manager would be the "leading person" instead of point. A manager would deal with problems instead of maintaining them. Also what do you mean by "integratedly"? Perhaps revise this sentence to say something like this:

"A good manager acts as the leading person in dealing with problems that arise and maintaining a suitable environment."

---Maybe you should just cut this sentence out or totally rewrite it because I still don't understand how it relates to the essay---

Several cities in Malaysia have a similar geographic characteristics, for example Kuching and Rotterdam are both located near a delta area ,Therefor theythathave a lot of water from the river banks and have to deal with the sea flood. Despite its geographical condition, theNetherlandsalso has a huge population, a problem that also occurs in Malaysia. I have never been to the Netherlands, but a lot of people think that it is a good example of a country that is capable in solving it's own problems. I want to learn the systems of management in the Netherlands and Europe, including knowing about their regional characteristics, so when I come back to Malaysia, they could be implemented in my country.

Graduate / Need help SOP - architecture [5]

Do you have a word limit? You should talk more about the program itself and why it should be done abroad. As it stands you really only describe why you want to go to the Netherlands but not why you want to conduct the program. You could go on vacation any time for a myriad of different reasons but the reader will want something more specific. What about this program do you think makes it essential that it take place in the Netherlands? Relate all this back to the program itself and I think you could really expand on the things you have said more and make this thing a little longer. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Ethics and Values BA Hons Social Work [3]

I'm not sure where your thesis is. The prompt asks you to address 3 things: privelage, power and difference so your thesis statement should address all of these areas.

This sentence:"Power equals regulations, procedures and laws in social care may be said to disempower people."
Seems to contradict this sentence: "Power is exercised in relationships and not in institutions or procedures."

I am a little unsure where you have made your paragraph cut-offs as you seem to have on paragraph that is just a quote and then an intro paragraph that is two sentences long.

First you will need to come up with your thesis. Make sure that it addresses all aspects of the prompt not just one. I would maybe suggest making body paragraphs based on the 3 things(privelage, power, and difference) that the prompt asks about.

The first paragraph is your introduction paragraph and should include: Your thesis statement, the main ideas for all of you body paragraphs, and a hook. A safe way I go for making my thesis worthwhile is to make sure that it answers a why question and not just a how or what question. Why questions will always send you deeper into what you are studying.

Make sure that each body paragraphs has only one main idea that is sumed up into one sentence at the begining of the paragraph (the topic sentence). Everything in that paragraph should build on, support, or elaborate on that main idea. You can use your personal experiences such as your time spent at a hostel as support for your main ideas.

So make a thesis, intro paragraph and the body paragraphs and repost them here. You can use much of what you have already written so long as you organize it correctly and stay on the topic of whatever paragraph you are in. Good luck!

Essays / Make a poor thesis and effective thesis (new voting machine) [5]

You dont need the extra "however" in the middle of the sentence. I would reverse the order of the elements of the second part of the thesis like this:

Although many people already know how to use Maryland's new voting machines, only paper applications should be used because the majority of voters are older people.

I don't know exactly if that was the meaning you were trying to get across because the second part of your thesis is confusing. Let me know what you think!

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Who was it that said that they hated teachers who were sticklers about not using the first person in a serious essay. Or something like that...

Essays / Cause and effect essay: 1 introduction, 2 cause, 2 effect and 1 conclusion [9]

Well there are plenty of essays that have intros and conclusions but when you say 2 cause and 2 effect do you mean 4 body paragraphs with 2 paragraphs on the causes of a certain thing and 2 paragraphs on the effects of a certain thing?

Writing Feedback / eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), introductory paragraph [10]

Aha! We stumped the moderator. This calls for a vampire laugh.

MMUUUAHAHA

Undergraduate / Personal Essay (Questions are a necessary part of life) [12]

What was the prompt...

Research Papers / Thesis Statement for global warming research paper [17]

Please post the exact instructions given to you for this assignment.

You could talk about a myriad of different things depending on how you feel about global warming. Do some research first. Find the evidence that supports global warming and what predictions scientists make about how it will affect the world.

Once you have this basic information you can make an argument backed up by your research and examples. All you have to do is find out what you think about global warming after your research and write a sentence that sums it up. Make sure you can back that statement up with lots of evidence and ideas. Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / A creation of the mind - "Imagination" essay [7]

You can imagine a spaceship all you want but you will never turn it into a reality unless you approach it's construction in a logical and scientific way. Everything you can physically see in the world today that was created by humans is a product of logic and science.

and imagination too, of course :)

Dissertations / Thesis (six thousand words in six days) - art college [20]

Hey, how did it turn out, man? Did you get it done well?

Writing Feedback / Shopping is a necessity in our life [5]

What are the exact instructions for this assignment? Please post what your instructions were so that we can critique papers with some frame of reference.

Firstly, shopping is a necessary thing in our livesbecause we need things like food, clothes, or shoes.

---what are you trying to say here, exactly?---
"Sometimes shopping can be time when you feel relax, and sometimes you feel angry."
---Perhaps you could change it to this---
"Sometimes shopping can be a time when you feel relaxed, but sometimes you can feel angry."

Secondly, I have to talk about fiscal responsibility.

---What do you mean by "spending the money on time"? Do you have a deadline by which your money must be spent?---

"Sometimes I spend my money later, but now I am trying spending the money on time."

---This is not a complete sentence. Add a verb :)---
"For example the money I can spend for apparels, for cosmetics or party."

---I would be hesitant to use the word "hence" here because it implies that you are making an inference from a previously stated fact. I don't think you could make that sort of inference here.---

"Hence, my parents give me the freedom to use the money, to understand that if I spend all the money today, tomorrow I can not buy anything."

(By the way, how do you make red letters? It better not be some special thing that only moderators can do, lol. :D)

Undergraduate / Hospitality is a virtue passed down to me from my family; NYU sup 5 short answers [4]

For question 1:
If they ask about summer specifically you probably should not talk about christmas. You have limited space so I would cut out those sentences about christmas and the holidays and add a few sentences elaborating on what exactly you did do last summer.

For question 3:
This idea is nice but it's not really a club. (there will be no meetings or group activities) We all get those emails that people want us to pass on to other people when we get them about sharing and caring and what not. Try to think of something that interests you more specifically(like something having to do with your major) If you were into Psychology you could start a club that tries to psychoanalize various people in the media or politics and you could try to figure out what was going on in their heads that makes them do what they do. You could psychoanalyze Obama, lol. (Maybe a little far-fetched but you get the idea).

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Jame Joyce's Portrait [11]

I figured that if it was a book review it would have been submitted in the book review forum, but now I do see how it could be something like that. You are describing the book to us but not really proving anything about it or arguing any particular point.

It just depends on what the assignment is like Sean said. If it is a literary paper then you should make a thesis statement that can be proven throughout the rest of your paper.

But even if it was a book review it would be better to break up the paper into more paragraphs to discuss the different aspects of the paper individually.

Writing Feedback / Write a short story in which the central character is a rebellious teenager [6]

My god, I loved this story. You turn a potentially ordinary bully situation into something hilarious and heartaching all in the same few pages. I wish I could tell you something about creative writing but I would only be kidding myself. Wonderful.

Undergraduate / Technology for ESL Students [6]

One technique is to just brainstorm every possible idea that you have to support your thesis(no matter how specific they are) and write them all down. Then take all the ideas and put them into 3 or so categories and you will have the bulk of you body paragraphs.

In the intro paragraph explain the main ideas of the 3 "categories" you separated your ideas into and that will (as Sean said) give "you an introductory paragraph that will act as an outline for the rest of your paper."

Research Papers / Looking for information on the modern culinary brigade system for paper. [6]

One thing I always like to do is to go to wikipedia for whatever the subject is and check out all the sources that are listed for that page. There are a few things on there for what you are looking for but your subject is very specific.

You also might try ProQuest which offers many articles on a myriad of different subjects. I use it alot for school because it is easy to find information for proper citation.

Writing Feedback / Jame Joyce's Portrait [11]

You need a thesis statement in the intro paragraph to sum up the main point that this essay is trying to convey. Also you will find that within that main point you will have many subpoints. This is where you need to break up your paragraphs.

Yes all the paragraphs do relate to your main point but that does not mean that they do not have their own separate ideas. So you've got to break up the third paragraph into smaller paragraphs so that the reader can clearly see the different ideas that come together to form your main idea.

Also, teachers don't like it when you refer to yourself in a personal manner in essays like this. Don't say "I". For example, cut this out:

"The style he wrote it seems unique, while I would not say that I am a scholar of books, I will say I have knowledge on books."

And change this:
"The way that Joyce handled the dialogue surprises me. The only other book that I have read that is similar in the way he handles dialogue is "Blindness" (Saramago, 1995)."

To this:
"The way that Joyce handles the dialogue is surprising.Another book that handles character conversation in a similar way is "Blindness" (Saramago, 1995)."

Writing Feedback / Reading - My favorite subject essay [6]

You should put your thesis sentence more towards the begining of the first paragraph.

Also, what is the subject of the second paragraph? As it stands, you have alot of great reasons for liking reading class but they seem to be arbitrarily listed without organization. Try to organize all the reasons you like this class into distinct categories and then make topic sentences for each subject. Then write a paragraph for every topic sentence that you have.

This will organize your essay so that the paragraph divisions really mean something and so that there is an obvious difference between the main ideas of each paragraph.

You might start with a brief intro paragraph detailing the main ideas of you situation. Then write a paragraph about why other classes do not satisfy you. Then the next paragraph could be about what you love about the reading in reading class and how it satisfies you in a way that the other classes don't. Then the next paragraph could be about what you love about you teacher and so on. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay to Compare your Two Teachers [10]

What was the exact assignment from your teacher? Is he/she expecting you to have an intro paragraph, a conclusion paragraph, and body paragraphs?

You should probably start by brainstorming and turning those ideas into an outline. Go over the main ideas you want to talk about for your comparison, organize them into different ideas, and make topic sentences for them. Then you can formulate different paragraphs based on these main ideas.

If you only need one paragraph then just keep in mind that your conclusion sentence is basically a restatement of your thesis.

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Oh, nice Sean, thanks!

Writing Feedback / Castin Characters #1: Jim [8]

Some corrections:

History class, last period on a Friday

I spun in my seat to face him.

"What if you get caught?" I whispered nervously. "I won't. I'm sending it via Bluetooth." he replied. "What if you do?" I insisted.

I sat back anxiously

Not the slightestsign of worry on his face

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

That just makes more sense to me. It seems like as long as you give thorough credit for all the information you use that is clearly identifyable and complete it shouldn't matter what format you use. Though I know it is necessary, I think for me citation is one of the most annoying things about writing. Grrr...

Grammar, Usage / Another MLA question [11]

Would it be ok to do something like this: Instead of putting the name of the website for every citation could you just put numbers instead like this:

Roman soldiers used swords.(1) They also used shields and rode horses in battle.(2)

Then at the end of the paper you could have one citation that covers numbers one through whatever. Then you would have one citation for every different source instead of one citation for every piece of information for in each source.

Scholarship / In my own words: Why is a scholarship important to you? [5]

Change this "...I was asking quesions about gravity, wondering why, if the earth was round, people didn't just "fall off the earth." Unless you are trying to make is sound like you are channeling the voice of you as a child. If that is so then try putting more of it in quotations like this:

...I was asking questions about gravity like, "If the earth is round, how come people don't just fall off the earth?"

Perhaps you can take some time to talk about this specific scholarship and what makes it more important to you than the average scholarship. Is this a part of a school program? If so talk about why that program attracted your attention and why you like the school it is put on by. You might also consider elaborating more on why you chose the field of work that you did and how the experiences you got from your life have continuously reinforced your desire to get an engineering degree. I know that you have a basic outline there of what I am saying but you could add more.

Also the third paragraph is a little general. The reader will probably already know what a scholarship does and why it is important(MONEY) so what they want to hear is why it is important to you specifically. Don't talk about scholarships in general. Talk about this particular scholarship and why it is unique to for you.

Writing Feedback / eating disorders (Anorexia Nervosa), introductory paragraph [10]

The first sentence is appropriate and the last sentence is easily identifyable as your thesis statement. The 2nd and 3rd sentences, however, seem to be a little random and too detailed to be in the intro paragraph. Remember, this paragraph is supposed to only contain the big ideas about what your paper will talk about. So if you mention something in this paragraph the reader will expect you to go into even more detail about it in the body paragraphs. Including details here will make it seem like they have take precedence over other details that you will later mention in your paper. Maybe you could add a few sentences that tell us how you are going to explore the theories you are going to talk about and some of the main ideas that they deal with. Good luck!

-------------------------

Muahaha! Nevermind then!

Essays / Essay on two different shows and how they construct gender stereotypes [4]

Well start with the basics. First, pick 2 shows that interest you and that you feel do construct gender stereotypes.

Then think about how these shows further those stereotypes and what exactly you feel is important about that issue.

Then condense what you come up with down into one sentence. This is to be your thesis statement. The thesis statement should sum up what the whole essay will be about and should convey what conclusions you have come up with on the issue you are writing about.

Then write an outline for your essay. Elaborate on your thesis statement by thinking about all of the main ideas that are emcompassed within it. For the standard 5 paragraph essay you should try to come up with 3 different topics that function within your thesis to write about in your 3 body paragraphs. This is where you will want to write 3 mini thesis statements or topic sentences for your 3 body paragraphs. It is very important that these paragraphs stay on topic and stay within the main idea that your thesis statement sums up. Also the first paragraph should be your introduction and will include you thesis statement and all the main ideas of your body paragraphs.

For the 3 topic sentences find evidence to support their ideas. Find examples from the shows and analyze them. Elaborate on your topic sentences and you will have most of the text you need for the body paragraphs.

Post what you have after you have done that and we can go from there.

Undergraduate / SBU Essay - An Intellectual Experience [5]

Hello. I think you have a very interesting topic here. You have done well to analyse this play and how it has affected your life.

I think you can cut out some things. The first 3/4 of the 8th paragraph may strike the reader as a bit glib. Also, try to stay away from plot summary. Of course the reader will need some plot to understand the realizations that you went through but it should only be used when it is absolutely necessary.

Also some of the first paragraph is a little confusing. Example:

"after all, the play had, so far, provided much for thought, and there was no guarantee that the same aspects had stuck in each of our minds."

this does make sense but it might sound better as something like this

"after all, the play had already provided much to think about and there was no guarantee that the same ideas were provoked in each of our minds."

Overall this is a good analysis. One thing to think about though is that this is mostly an analysis of a play. This play has already been seen by many people and has probably been analyzed in this fashion before. The reader may be looking for something more original or unique to you specifically rather than an analysis of a popular play. There is no doubt, of course, that the viewing of this play was a memorable and intellectual experience specifically for you but its just that the ideas and analysis may have already been done before on a mainstream level just as a piece of classic work like Moby Dick has been analyzed over and over again by many different scholars. Maybe if you tried to tie in the themes of Equus with an experience in your life that was unique to you it might be a fresher approach to the prompt. (this may also allow you to avoid the age old problem of the plague of plot summary that is often present in papers about story analysis.) But as I say it seems to be a good analysis and it does apply to you personally so I'm a little torn on this one to be honest! At any rate I'll be interested to see where you decide to go. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Bank of America is a Great Employer - Argumentative Essay Need Suggestions [4]

Hello, Unshella. I am a little unsure about which sentence in the intro paragraph is your thesis. Perhaps it is the last sentence? It might be a good idea(depending on what you think your teacher expects) to have the thesis as the first or second sentence. Also in that thesis statement it is a good idea to try and fit all of the main ideas that your body paragraphs will discuss. This will really make it obvious what your thesis is and the teacher will know what to expect in the body paragraphs.

For your body paragraphs: I can tell that the first body paragraph is about what the company did to make your job easier. Try to be as specific as you can in your topic sentences. This might be more suitable: Bank of America has supplied me as an associate with everything I need to be successful at all the different levels of employment I was with them for.

If you want the second body paragraph to be about career path opportunites then I would consider moving the information about the Board of Toast Masters under the dreams and goals paragraph as it deal more with "long term success" than specific career paths. Also you should consider cutting out the last 4 sentences of the 2nd body paragaph. They don't really ad to any of the ideas you have presented thus far and are too general.

The 2nd and 3rd body paragraphs seem to meld together in their subject matter. Think about really nailing down what these 2 paragraphs are specifically talking about so that they are different and cannot be confused with each other. Ex. The 3rd to last sentence of the 3rd body paragraph should go in the 2nd body paragraph.

Really seperate those ideas out between your body paragraphs and work out a distinct thesis sentence and you will have it! Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Ensuring to learn all that I can' - Reason for Transferring Statement [5]

Is there a word limit for this? I'm not saying that you have to many words, I just like to define the terms.

This essay has a sort of generic feel to it. You talk about what most students do. (Helping family, desire to learn, developing skills, etc.) Give us something more specific. What is unique about your reasons for wanting an MBA? What about business specifically excites you? What influences outside your own family have helped you decide this path?

Also it would be a good idea to talk about the specific college you are trying to transfer to. What is it about this college that attracts you more than other colleges. Show them that you have done the research and are interested in specific programs that they offer.

Also you should separate this essay out into paragraphs with one main idea carefully organized in each of them.

Talking about your family will definitely be meaningful but as it stands it seems like the main reasons you want to pursue an MBA is for your brother's sake and because your parents told you to. Family is important but the college wants to hear about YOU and what excites YOU about business and why YOU have picked their university.

Writing Feedback / When I am in uncertainty I feel my emotions at their strongest [5]

Hello. Did you come up with this topic or was this assigned to you?

I think this essay has some good stories and examples in it but it is not really unified around a central theme. You need to write a thesis statement and stick to the ideas that it presents.

As it stands your paragraphs dont seem to have distinct ideas in them. Think about what specific idea you are trying to convey with each paragraph then find examples from your life to back up and elaborate on that idea. You have good stories to tell here, but the reader just needs to see how all the stories come together and what central idea they support.

It might not be a good idea to start off the essay by jumping right into the story because we are left hanging without a context in which to read it. Get that thesis statement nailed down, get some topic sentences for your body paragraphs that elaborate on the central idea presented by the thesis, and use your stories in the body paragraphs to support each paragraph's main idea. Good luck!

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

Just remember that the prompt is about British Literature. This means that the focus of your paper should be about the peice of literature you chose.(Darwin's Book) The TV show Heroes was not in the prompt so just make sure that it is supplementing your paper and not taking it over. Just try not to make it seem like you are using Darwin's book as an excuse for writing about a TV show you like. I'm not saying that you would do that I'm just saying that whoever assigned the prompt wants you to talk about a British Literature so your paper must be focused on that. All other things, though they can be used as good support, must be secondary.

Research Papers / Starting Research Paper (Kring's "Heroes") [19]

To be safe I would not start the introductory paragraph with a quote. It does depend, however, on what exactly your teacher wants. Has he/she been really stressing the "hook/thesis statement/ elaboration" format or has he/she been more relaxed about formating?

Also I would be careful about telling the readers to much about the specifics Heroes. Of course you will be talking about it but what I mean is that you should try to avoid falling into summary of plot or to much introduction for it. Only tell the readers exactly what they need to know about the show in order for it to be relevant to your paper's topic. (same goes for Darwin's work too!) The abilities will need to be elaborated on a bit, of course, but only in relation to how they could be realistically predictable in Darwin's theories.

For examples you might find a quote from On the Origin of Species then explain it a little and relate a particular ability from Heroes to what Darwin is saying. Just make sure that you stay on topic and try to make as many connections as possible between the two subjects you are dealing with(Heroes and On the Origin of Species) while staying focused of course. :)

Good luck!

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Yeah I was a little shocked at the amount of responses to this thread but then I looked at them and I saw that alot of them were kind of... repetetive or unhelpful. Like some people would just post one brief sentence that says something really generic but is not very helpful at all. Im not trying to insult anyone but it kind of bothers me because it seems like they are just posting in order to fill the quota that is required instead of actually trying to be helpful. There were alot of great responses in this thread and good conversation but then there seemed to also be people just trying to take advantage of the thread's popularity. Of course what I'm saying now doesnt have to do with the thread topic either but I thought it would be something else to think about.