Posts by worried26

worried26

Jan 3, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Being able to see new places' - common app transfer essay [3]

I agree, great essay! But maybe be a little more specific about the objectives you hope to achieve? It's good that you want to gain a new perspective on life through this experience, so how will that help you in the future? What else do you hope to accomplish? Just think about that a little more!

Other than that, great essay. The words flowed together nicely as well.

Hope this helped!

Could you look at mine too? It's the UChicago essay, I would really appreciate it, thanks! :)

worried26

Jan 3, 2012

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

I see what you mean, I was kind of thinking that as well.
Thank you for letting me know your thoughts, I appreciate it! :)

And it's almost a page and a half double spaced...Is it supposed to be 1-2 pages single spaced?

worried26

Jan 3, 2012

Undergraduate / 'chances to experience the terrific Core' - Why Uchicago [7]

Other than what Kylemac pointed out, I don't see any other grammatical errors...

I like it a lot! You list specific things about the university and the things you look forward to, which is great because most of the time people have difficulty in describing specifically why they want to go to a certain school. My only suggestion is that you briefly describe what you wish to do with the terrific Core and the Academic Advising System. What are the things you wish to experience in particular? What courses will you probably take and why? Other than that, great job on the essay! :)

Could you look at my UChicago essay as well? I would REALLY appreciate it! :)

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / McDonald's "Work experience"- will review your essays [5]

I agree with what everyone else has said. Not a bad essay, but write more about the things you did during your work experience. What tasks did you do? Perhaps you can tie this in with talking to the man you met at the end? Perhaps you bonded with him while doing all these tasks?

Anyway, be sure to describe what exactly you did from McDonald's, then include what you gained and learned from it.

Hope this helps! Also, could you please look at my essay as well? I would really appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Kit Kats: Common Application Essay [10]

Wow! Great analogy, and great essay! I'm trying to see if anything needs to be changed, but I really can't find anything. As previous posters have mentioned, it's very unique, and it was cool how you associated trying out new flavors of Kit Kat with trying out new things. Mentioning your activities was a nice touch, modest and not arrogant at all. You definitely show your personality in your essay, and how you're willing to try so many new things...

Overall, a REALLY great job! :)

Could you also please look at mine? It would be much appreciated! Thank you!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

Haha sorry if this is annoying...but could someone please look at my essay as well? I'm leaving for a trip later on today and I would like to submit before I leave! D: It would be much appreciated, thanks!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / "Crumbs" -- Brown, Rice, Tufts [12]

Cliche?! Heck no!

I LOVE the analogy you used. As the above posters have said, this is a great essay. Everything flowed together nicely.

I don't think the admissions officer will be confused at all. Your essay was very clear and creative. It wasn't flowery with over extravagant words, but rather simple, in a very good way. Your essay is kind of how you described yourself when I think about it! And as karissa said, one can tell from your essay that you are quietly interesting. Perhaps bland and simple on the inside, but definitely interesting underneath.

I wouldn't change anything about this essay, just look over it again for grammatical errors.

Overall, great job. I really enjoyed reading this one! :)

Please look at mine as well if you can, I would really appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'trivial personal matters' - Brown Cubism/new perspective Essay [10]

Oh wow, this is really great. I can't help but also feel some emotion towards Michael and your experience.

I've learned it's easy to become absorbed in your own life and trivial personal matters; and it's too often that we take others for granted.

That's really it, nothing else I would change. It leaves a good impact and addresses the prompt perfectly.

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / BU supplement! Roomate essay.. yay! [5]

Great essay! It's different than most "Dear roommate" letters I've read. You are able to talk about how events in the past led to you seeking and doing the things you love, which make up your personality. Rather than telling me about your habits and the things you like to do, you include why your passionate about diversity and how you have developed your skills. I like it a lot!

Overall, it's great, and I don't think anything needs to be changed. :)

And thank you so much for looking at my essay, it helped A LOT!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Going out for a Chinese takeout' - Stanford Essay: Letter to Roommate [8]

Well, the room thing is pretty common for people to use in their essays when describing themselves...But if you want to go along with this and really try to make this work, then that's fine.

I feel like it needs more...A lot of people have similar traits, so I think you need to make this more personal. Perhaps include some anecdotes, or reasons as to why you love doing those things. It's a difficult topic to write about lol, but I think if you include some of these things it should help.

Oh, and no don't write about the drunk part!! Haha :))

Good luck!

Please read my essay as well, I appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

Thanks everyone! This really helps!!!

So does this mean that it's not necessary to talk about what it is I love about cancer research itself, but more as to why I'm so motivated about it?

I just want to make sure I'm understanding all of this, haha. :)

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Definitely don't write too much. Just say what is important to you, and don't be extremely flowery. I'm not sure what the topic is about, but 250-500 words would be good. Maybe less than 500 if possible.

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

You could write about that as well, but I don't think you should go into too much detail. Having a lot of Ukrainian students around may be good for you socially, but how does BU fit you? How is it good for you education-wise? I think it's good to focus more on that!

Good luck!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'my brief nap abruptly comes to an end' - Yale supplemental essay [18]

Okay, so this was better than before, but still needs more work.

In the conclusion, I kind of get this vibe where you blame your father for not cherishing the family. Instead, talk about how this business taught YOU to cherish your family, the good times you've had together and whatnot. As for the lesson that teaches you to never give up, I don't really see anything in the conclusion that addresses that. It seems that your father opening up a new restaurant was not a good idea since he was filing bankrupt and eventually lost it. It sounds like "never stop trying" is not beneficial.

Like I said, this was better than before, but needs more improvement. Include less about the bad times, and more about how this business affected you. Talk about its significance and how is has helped you. I think you can make the introduction shorter as well.

Keep going! :)

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Boston University - Supplemental Short Essay - Transfer Student [7]

I also don't think it would be a good idea to talk about moving because of the Ukrainian population, it does come off as a bit narrow-minded, and I don't think admission officers would be too pleased. Just talk more about BU itself and what it specifically has to offer to you (programs, courses, organizations, etc. Any of these would do!).

Please check out my essay as well, if you can! I'd appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Maps are pieces of art waiting to be conceptualized - this is why I love Geography; favorite subject [4]

I agree with karissa_a16. Overall it's very good! Just revise the conclusion. Other than exercising your imagination, what else does it do to you?

That's about it, everything else looks great to me!

Good luck!

Please look at my essay if you can! I'd appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / NYU SUPPLEMENT- In n Out, Socratic Seminars, Sewing (badly) [21]

Wow, very interesting and creative answers! I like it a lot!

However, for the the first response, I think you should talk more about what else NYU has specifically to offer. Maybe about particular programs they have. Think about what else makes NYU unique!

For the second response, I think you should talk more about why this subject is of interest to you. What about it makes is so interesting?

Third response looks perfect to me!

Good luck! :) Oh, and please look at my essay if you can! I'd appreciate it!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement: What intrigues you? 'multiple perspectives, point of views' [10]

I like it a lot! I don't think a lot of people actually read newspapers these days, and it's nice that you describe their sentimental value.

Other than that, I can't really think of anything to say, looks great to me!

Good luck! :)

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'The Feminist Perspective'- Common App. Main essay [19]

Well now...what can I possibly say about this?

Oh yeah, IT'S PERFECT. AND FIERCE.
FIERCE I TELL YOU, FIERCE.
Haha, I'm just feel so overwhelmed by this essay (in a good way!!). I don't really know what to say :))

I pretty much agree with what ashatan had to say. If a man is reading this, he might feel a little intimidated, haha. But I don't think it's totally necessary to include more personal bits, seeing as your essay is long enough. You're definitely a great writer, and I think admission officers will be able to sense more about you as a person. You sound very strong and determined, like someone who makes things happen if she really wants to. Someone that can really make a difference. I'm pretty sure they'll love that. :)

Oh, and I love the conclusion by the way. Your last sentence was epic.

Good luck, and thank you so much for reading my essay! I appreciate it! :)

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'my brief nap abruptly comes to an end' - Yale supplemental essay [18]

That sounds good, definitely include what you have learned! This part is essential, and is the main thing missing from this essay in my opinion.

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'Enrichment program and 'unique' solution' - BU Supplement - Diversity [13]

I agree with karissa_a16, it needs some more excitement, and I had a difficult time understanding as I read. Kind of like a textbook...

I think there's too much description about the community problem. No one needs to know that the location of the fictional town was near the gulf of Mississippi, or that there is a raise in teen crime and a high drop out rate. You only mentioned how everyone suggested community service to solve the BP oil spill, so maybe you can just include that problem.

Talk more about why a diverse atmosphere is so important, and why the diversity at this program was not enough for you.

Hope this helps!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / 'my brief nap abruptly comes to an end' - Yale supplemental essay [18]

You're definitely a good writer, and I like your anecdote, but I don't see what else this says about you other than the dread you feel towards working for your father, and how your father has this hold over you. What have you learned or gained from these memories and this experience? Are you still your father's puppet or did you somehow escape from that? How has this experience affected you?

Think about those things and then add it on to your essay. The ending is very sudden and leaves the reader wanting to know more about the point of the essay.

Hope this helps!

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Emory Supplement Essay - "A New Adventure" [4]

This was written very well, however, I think you need to be more specific. "Emory" could easily be replaced with the name of another school. Perhaps you can conduct a little more research on their website? Remember, they're looking for Emory's UNIQUE qualities, as well as why one of their SPECIFIC schools is of interest to you.

worried26

Dec 29, 2011

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay-How I Developed Interest in Cancer [19]

Hello everyone! So,I was planning on writing an essay describing what I love about cancer research, and instead I wrote...well, this. I'm not exactly sure where to go on this one, I'm stuck. I still want to insert why I'm interested in cancer research, but I'm having trouble where to insert it and how to conclude. I was also thinking of instead talking about how I wasn't as interested in research prior to this experience, but I'm not sure where to put that either. Anyway, if any of you could read this and tell me what you think of it so far, if you find it interesting or anything, please let me know! It would be much appreciated! Thanks! :)

In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about.

I sat in a waiting room, quietly observing my surroundings. A girl about my age sat across from me; a bandana on her head and a mask covering the lower half of her face. I wondered if I too would be wearing such things, but quickly shook off the question, not wanting to address it. I turned my gaze to a boy sitting on the floor; a truck in one hand and a large lego piece in the other. He was smiling, seeming blissfully unaware of where he was. A baby sat on his mother's lap; an IV cord running from beneath his clothing to a drip stand nearby. I was terrified, but satisfied in knowing I was not alone.

Suddenly, a nurse came out with a clipboard in hand, cheerfully calling out a name on her list. The boy, who was smiling not too long ago, was now in tears. I watched as he ran to his mother for comfort.

"Mommy, I don't wanna go! I don't wanna get hurt again!" he sobbed.
His mother spoke to him, soothingly patting him on the back. But it was no good, her son was still miserable.
It was then that I realized I didn't want any of them to be here; not the girl, the boy, or the baby. None of them should have to go through such pain and misery. None of them should experience such incredible fear. None of them deserved cancer; no one did. I realized then that I would much rather sit in the waiting room by myself; I could not stand to see them suffer.

My interest in cancer research was not the result of just my experience with cancer, but the experience of others as well. After watching similar episodes in the waiting room and observing the sad expressions of many young cancer patients, I knew I wanted to help.