Writing Feedback / It's Unfair: Why is bullying getting more and more common? [4]

Hi I am a grade 9 student and i have to do an essay on something that is not fair. heres what I got. Please give me some comments after you read it. (Oh and by the way, my name is Richard)

It's not fair: Why bullying is getting more and more common
"He smashed into the locker at full force. The bully strode calmly towards him and pulled him up close, till they were almost touching noses. He could see the nicotine-stained teeth and lips forming into a cold sneer. When the bully spoke, he could smell tobacco in his breath. 'Think you are so tough huh? You've better have the twenty dollars ready tomorrow. Or else...' The bully spat at his feet and sauntered off." Have you ever seen, heard or experienced an incident similar to this? Recent statistics showed that 77% of the kids admitted to have been bullied. Also, 282,000 students are physically attacked in secondary schools each month. And the most disturbing statistic: 100,000 students carry a gun to school. Bullying is increasingly viewed as an important contributor to youth violence, including homicide and suicide. Case studies of the shooting at Columbine High School and other U.S. schools have suggested that bullying was a factor in many of the incidents. However, I still feel that there is a chance for this issue to be resolved.

Bullying causes both the victims and the bully to get affected, either physically or emotionally. Victims could get hurt when they refused to do what the bully wants. This is a method for bullies to get what they want from reluctant but weak people. Victims could also get emotionally scarred when bullies intimidate them to the point of breaking down. Also the bully could get more and more emotionally unstable after bullying people for a long time. Studies have shown that most of the bullies who liked to intimidate people when they are young would continue to do so when they grow up. Thus the bullies would be affected emotionally as well.

Perhaps the best way to prevent you from being bullied is through standing up against the bullies. Of course, people always say that we should treat everyone equally, but I know that it is easier said than done. Sometimes even I have trouble treating everyone equally. However, If you let bullies stomp over you like some dirt on the ground, well, they will treat you like dirt too. Standing up against bullies works because at heart, bullies are just cowards who only dare to intimidate people who are too scared to retaliate. And they know it.

There is no excuse for bullying. Some people might think that it is 'cool' to make fun of others, but making fun of others weaker that you should not be thought of as 'cool'. Similarly, people bully others to gain respect and acceptance into their gang of friends. Well, if these 'friends' require you to bully someone in order for them to respect you, they are not the kind of friends you should have. Some people also bully others because they get bullied themselves and want to get vengeance. Well, vengeance never solves anything. In this case, it just makes the situation worse. There are many more reasons that I have not listed out, but as I said before, none of them are valid.

His heart sank as he saw the bully walking towards him once more. Here goes nothing. The bully sauntered towards him and gave him a shove. "Well? Where is my money, geek?" He demanded. "I'm not giving you a single penny!" he replied, shocked by his own courage. Realizing it was too late, he continued on. "What makes you think that you are so good? That you can push everyone around? Underneath your physical appearance, you are just a fat coward!" He realized that he had gone too far. The bully took a threatening step towards him. Just then, the principal appeared. "Is there a problem boys?" he asked sternly. "No sir, not at all." The bully stammered. "This isn't over, geek!"the bully whispered as he took off as quickly as he could. Yet, Richard felt a sense of joy knowing that he had stood up against the bully and that it is finally over. Most cases of bullying ends within 20 seconds after a third party steps in and interferes. So the next time you see someone being bullied and too afraid to stand up against the bullies, do not just walk away, step in and do something positive!

Writing Feedback / Is christopher columbus a great historical figure? [5]

The name Christopher Columbus is widely known indeed. For the past few centuries, he has been known as a great discoverer- The Admiral of the Ocean Sea, and a great historical figure. But yet, many people claimed that Christopher Columbus' treatment of Taino Indians was not something a great person would do. Thus many debates have resulted. When I heard about his treatment to the people he found, I am inclined to agree that he is not such a great historical figure after all.

Greatness lies not in being strong, but in the right use of strength. (Henry Ward Beecher) This quote is the best reason that I feel Christopher Columbus is not fit to be a great historical figure. His treatment of the Taino people was unjust beyond reason. He took many of them as slaves, killed many more, and exploited them. He also stole the reward of sighting land from Bermejo by claiming he saw a distant light hours earlier.

Some people might say that greatness does not mean that you have to do the right thing. They claim that even Hitler is a great historical figure as he did something no one else ever did. However, I think that a truly great historical figure would have integrity too. With great power comes great responsibility. Hitler had persecuted the Jews to a great extent, and Columbus had killed off lots of Taino people as well. Thus I feel that neither Hitler nor Columbus acted responsibly with the power they had.

Just as Christopher Columbus mistakenly thought that he was in Asia, I think that some people are also mistaken about Columbus being a great historical figure. He had claimed that he was trying to spread Christianity to the Tainos. Yet he killed and enslaved them without any second thoughts. Is that something a Christian would do? I hope not.

I was supposed to write this essay as a socials assignment. Please tell me your thoughts :)

ohh and lastly our teacher told us we must only write one page doublespaced, which explains why this is so short.

Undergraduate / Miracle. The birth of a new child. International Baccalaureate Admission paper. [2]

A 500-word biography that outlines your educational and extracurricular interests. Please include an explanation of why you wish to participate in the International Baccalaureate program and what you believe you could contribute.

Please give some advice to what I wrote. I am in serious trouble. I did not do so well on the previous term so its going to show up badly this paper and the test are the only cards i can play now. Please also see if you could make it a little more descriptive but at the same time shorter. Thanks a lot.

Here it is:

On the dawn of October 21st, 1994, all was silent. Everyone was still in their own dreams. But in a hospital, there was a frenzy of activities. It was a miracle which doctors witness every so often. The birth of a new child.

Yep you guessed it. That child was me. I was born, on the rainy morning of October 21st, 1994. I was wrapped in cloth, carried by a nurse, sucking on my thumb, not knowing the incredible path in life God had chosen for me.

Ever since I was a little boy, my family moved around a lot. At the age of 4, we moved from China, where I was born, to England. There we lived for a year or so. There, we moved to Singapore. We spent eight years there, in which I pretty much grew into a teenager. Then, about a year ago, we packed up our luggage once more, and moved to Canada. All this moving around caused me to become deeply interested in cultures and history. After all, whenever we moved to a new place, I got to trace its cultures and customs. Then I wanted to learn more. First it was only Chinese and Asian history. Then I became curious with European history as well. Now that we moved to Canada, I have found interest in Canadian history too. All this, with a good memory, has ensured me an "A" in social studies all the way till the end of grade 8.

As I grew up, my parents gave me tough math questions to do. As a result, I found a deep interest in Math as well. When I am free, I'll constantly look for math questions to challenge myself.

My main hobby has always been reading. From science fiction to historical novels, from biographies to study guides, I loved to read all of them. You could never see me without a book in my bag, no matter what the occasion. As for sports, I enjoy tabletennis, cross country running, and taekwondo. Thanks to long hours of practice, I secured a silver medal for sparing in the Master Cup taekwondo Championships. It was one of the proudest achievements in my life.

I also have a deep interest in music. I began learning to play the piano at the age of 7 and recently secured my grade 7 certificate. After I came to Canada, I also learned to play guitar and drums. Many a time I faced struggles trying to learn a new piece on the piano or enduring pain on my fingers while playing the guitar. But I persevered. Thus, whenever I am faced with a setback in my studies, I would think to myself "This is nothing compared to learning how to play the guitar from scratch!" and I would be able to pull through.

Ultimately, I have a love for learning. As far as my memory goes, I had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. This thirst for knowledge made me very curious about the IB program. I realize that this is an opportunity for me to be challenged not just at a district or national level, but on international standards.

Thus, like a knight searching for the Holy Grail, like a treasure hunter looking for lost gold, I am looking to IB as a new source for gaining knowledge. To me, IB is a fountain that would quench my thirst for knowledge, just for the time being.

Writing Feedback / Midsummer Night's Dream Character Essays [5]

OK its not really an essay though... we are supposed to choose 3 characters from the book and write what teen social group they belong to in modern times and why. Some social groups would be like Jocks, Popular kids, Nerds, Geeks, Loners etc. So far i only managed to do two. please review them, give me your thoughts and perhaps suggestion for a third character

Character 1: Popular Puck

Though there is little character development in A Midsummer Night's Dream and no true protagonist, people generally think of Puck as the most important character in the play. The mischievous, quick-witted sprite sets many of the play's events in motion with his magic, by means of both deliberate pranks on the human characters and unfortunate mistakes.

However, if Puck were to live in a modern society, like the one we live in right now, I think he would be grouped as a popular person. Being Oberon's jester, it is his job to make Oberon laugh, and because of that, he has gained a name for himself. In fact he is popular enough that most fairies would recognise him for who he is: Robin Goodfellow, also called Puck, as shown in Act 2 scene I of the Midsummer Night's Dream book.

And if you look into our society's main social groups, you would find that, like Puck, a lot of popular guys have fun and laughter at the expense of others. The others would laugh alongside because they wanted to appear cool as well. It would appear that Puck is guy with a vast sense of humour, that he would enjoy turning poor Bottom's head into an ass. That is another characteristic of a popular guy; he has a great sense of humour.

Character 2: Helena

From the very start of the book, we are introduced to Helena's problem. She loves Demetrius, but Demetrius however, liked Hermia. She declared that Demetrius loved her before he saw Hermia and that "He hail'd down oaths that he was only mine" And thus she is determined to regain Demetrius' love even if he hates her now. She declares to Demetrius that "I am your spaniel. The more you beat me, I will fawn on you."

While her determination and courage is admirable, if she lived here in the twenty-first century, I think that she would belong in a very unpopular social group. She would be categorized as a loner. After all, no one likes her, and she is always alone. Only her childhood friend Hermia would "hang out" with her. Therefore her life was a typical loner's life. She was rejected by Demetrius, whom she loved, when he saw Hermia. She could only find sympathy from lots of people, but never from Demetrius, whom she so desperately loves.

Being an emotional woman, Hermia wallows in self-pity, never trying to solve her problems. She merely keeps wishing that she had the charm of Hermia to keep Demetrius for herself. When Hermia and Lysander tell her about their plans to run away and be married, she chooses to reveal the plans to Demetrius in hopes of winning him back.

and just one last thing. I can't really find a way to conclude both of these essays please give me some advice too. Thanks!

Writing Feedback / Advertisment analysis [5]

This is just a regular ad analysis where you find an ad and write as much as you can. Please just help me improve on the fallacies and stuff like that, persuasive techniques and stuff like that. Oh and if possible, give me a rating out of 10. Be harsh!!!!!!!;)

Ads. Also known as advertisements, they come in all sizes, shapes and colour. The ways in which they attract people to buy the product(s) also varies greatly. But what makes a really effective ad? Well, read on and see for yourself!

The ad which I would be talking about today is found in the Vancouver Sun, among many other reading materials. It is trying to attract people to buy their phones, services, and/or their deals. This ad is about great promotion(s) which are being offered. This ad is effective because the first thing that you'll see is the three bolded and capitalized words "Great, Great, Great!" Just that very sentence would attract your attention and make you want to read on. And then you'll see the words "Great phones, Great Services, Great deals!" These words would really attract your attention and make you want to buy it.

Yet, even though this ad is very effective, I would not say that it is very truthful. It is not exactly telling a lie, but as one should have noticed, even though it claims to have great deals and services, there are no details to back up that fact. In fact, the only details you'll get are at the bottom of the page, with a font size almost too small for the naked eye. Most of us would ignore it at the first glance. In fact, the ad appeals to the second and third level of Maslow's hierarchy; esteem needs and belonging needs. They intend for us to see the product and really want to own it, so that we can be just like our 'cool' friends.

The language used, although simple and lacking in grammar structure, is even more effective. In the headings, six of the nine words are "great." Thus, even if we might not remember the exact details of the ad, we would definitely remember that it was "great"! The word "great" was used so that we are guided to assume that it is going to be a good deal, or that it is going to be very easy to own. In fact, "great" can have many meanings, not all of them attractive money wise.

This ad puts a lot of emphasis on our assumptions. With some well chosen words, we would start to assume things that were left unsaid. And in many cases, what we assume is not 100% true.

A fallacy used in this ad is called Gilding the Truth. Sometimes, ads use sweetened words to conceal the ugly reality behind it. The persuasive techniques used would include Bandwagon, Don't get left out, Great savings and easy to own. After all, They are trying to get us to buy their products to boost our self esteem.

The visual images are important to the ad as well. The colour red is used for the background of the ad. Perhaps that is because red usually symbolizes passion, and they wanted us to feel passionate, passionate enough to feel like buying the product right after reading the ad.

Two Blackberry cell phones played an important role in creating a subconscious message. These phones are roughly life size so that it would seem more real and make us feel that it is almost within our grasp, as long as we buy the phone and the contract that comes along with it. Another picture that has a subconscious message is the small image of a busy city beside the word "Cellcom". This reinforces the idea that Cellcom is Canada's largest exclusive Rogers Authorized Dealer, even without looking at the text beneath.

Great, Great, Great! That is the message Rogers is trying to send to us. Yet every piece of evidence is practically screaming to us that it is not necessarily so. Perhaps the next time you look at an ad, you should think carefully before rushing off to buy the product. It might not be as great as it seems.

Writing Feedback / Socials Essay: Robespierre and Cromwell Which is a more effective leader? [7]

Cromwell and Robespierre. Two major Revolution heroes. One of them a military genius who remodelled the Revolution Army and led them to victory, the other an oratory master who inspired many to rise to arms with just a few words. So similar and yet so different. However, Cromwell would be a better leader because despite for all his faults, he did not need to rule through fear and his people led peaceful, grim and joyless, lives. But to prove my point further, lets take a closer look at our "heroes".

Cromwell rose to power in the war against Charles I who wanted absolute power. He quickly proved himself by reforming the soldiers into the New Model Army, which won the Civil War. Similarly Robespierre came to power with his oratory skill. The crowds adored him and he took advantage of that and inspired many to join the Revolutionary's cause.

Yet the two of them had not-so-ideal ways of ruling. Cromwell first kicked out the Presbyterians and other religious groups from the Parliament. Only Puritans remained. Yet when the Parliament refuse to hold an election unless they were guaranteed places in the new Parliament, he locked out the Parliament and ruled as Lord Protector. A man who fought to overthrow an absolute monarch ends up a dictator himself. Ironic.

Similarly, Robespierre ruled rather well at first and did lots of helpful things such as creating a new calendar and driving out the church. Yet, when rumours of anti-revolutionaries plotting to overthrow the government spread, he started killing people. First, one by one, then by tens and eventually by hundreds and so on. Around 40,000 people were killed in the Reign of Terror, singlehandedly orchestrated by this once sincere opponent of the death penalty. Even more ironic.

And now, onto how they lost their power. Cromwell had the army on his side, and he ruled till he died of natural cause. Afterwards, his rule was overthrown and constitutional monarchy was declared. However, Robespierre did not have the army's support on his side and had to rule purely through fear. But after he condemned so many people, he himself was in turn condemned. After a failed attempt to shoot himself, he was arrested and guillotined along with his closest friends.

And after comparing all factors of their rule, you have to agree that Cromwell is a better and more effective leader. Ask yourself this. Which one would you prefer? A joyless and grim life or a life lived constantly in fear of not being able to see the next morn?

well thats about it i guessed i rushed everything a little please give me advice on how to make this paper better and perhaps make a better concluding paragraph

Writing Feedback / Essay on a carpe diem quote [3]

Write about how a quote reflects the idea of carpe diem (seize the day) or how you feel about it. NO limitations.

The quote i chose was:
Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, But today, is a gift. That's why it is called "the present".

some of you might actually recgonize this quote from Kungfu Panda but it is actually by Eleanor Roosevelt.

TODAY IS THE DAY.

Imagine that you had a bad day at work. Your boss is mad at you, you missed the deadline for a huge project, and the worst thing is, you have no idea what cruel punishments is waiting for you tomorrow. But all these things are the past, or the future, which does not matter nearly as much as today or the present, does.

Yesterday is but the history. It is the past. One should never dwell on the past for too long. Dwelling too long on the past can let us lose sight of what is in front of you. Just as when you walk on the street, you don't always look behind your shoulder all the time. However, one should never ignore the past either. We always need to learn from our past mistakes and failings. As one of my teachers use to quote "To err is human. To make the same mistake twice is foolish."

Tomorrow is a mystery. Trying to predict tomorrow is like trying to read your fortune. You'll never know if you are right or wrong, until tomorrow arrives. However, just like the past, one should never ignore tomorrow either. That's why we always try to plan ahead so that surprises do not come crashing into you like a truck at 180 miles an hour. However, it is today that we should focus on.

Today is like a gift. A gift sent from heaven. No matter what mistakes you made in the past, you still have today to compensate for it. The time that we wasted and the time that we might be wasting is not important. Try not to waste the time that we have now.

What we did and what we might do is not important. You can do what you need to do now.

In short, we should carpe diem or seize the day. Today is a chance and an opportunity given to us 24/7 as long as we are alive. It is a precious gift. That's why it is called "the present."

i just need someone to refine this a little and help me with the intro and conclusion.

Book Reports / Animal Farm: Reflection on what you learnt [4]

So basically we have to do a reflection on what we learnt from a specific book. I chose animal Farm, and here's the reflection, not very good so far.

"All animals are equal but some are more equal than others." That was the one thing that I'll always remember about Animal Farm. Not only is this a gross abuse of the word equal, it is also essentially how the plot develops, with the animals all treated equally at first. But later, some animals, namely the pigs, were deemed superior to the other animals.

Animal Farm is filled with irony and symbolism. One good example would be the name of the black pig, Napoleon. It is named after the French leader and conqueror Napoleon Bonaparte. I find it a good example of symbolism since Napoleon first fought to end the tyranny of the aristocracy and in the end, he became the very tyrant which he was supposed to fight. I realized that no matter how much power we have, we must never lose sight of what our original goals are. After all, Power itself can corrupt people.

However, I think that another problem that caused the Animal Farm to fall into despotism was that the fact that not many of the animals were well educated. Boxer, who represented the working class of the Farm, worked harder than everyone else. However, he had no political views of his own and took whatever Napoleon said to be the truth. That eventually led to his death at the hands of Napoleon and his accomplices. I learnt that the naivety of the working class, and how they were willing to question authority, acted as fuel to flame the ruling class' oppression.

Propaganda played a major role in Napoleon's manipulation of the other farm animals. In Napoleon's case, Squealer was Napoleon's propaganda tool. Squealer used many ways of persuading the animals, such as using large words, to make himself sound like a professional, skipping from side to side, and using intimidation, by saying that if they do not obey XXX, Jones would come back. Through this, I learnt that one should not listen to someone just because they are intimidating you or because they use big words. That's just ways to obfuscate someone so that they could not make a good judgment.

Please help me make these paragraphs more cohesive and help me improve in any way possible.

Research Papers / Musqueam and UBC Golf Course [3]

HI guys,

I just want to look for some advice regarding writing research papers, such as citing endnotes, grammar tenses, things to look out for, etc.

Also, I wonder if anyone has any insights on issues regarding the Musqueam and UBC Golf course controversy, or Aboriginal Land Claims in general. (Please cite your sources!)

Any help would be appreciated thanks XD

Writing Feedback / the Musqueam Reconciliatory Agreement: Part 1 [3]

There are two sides to every story, especially a controversy like the Musqueam Reconciliatory Agreement. If one asks a Musqueam native regarding the settlement, he/she would most probably say that the agreement was just. But if one asks a golfer who has been going to the UBC golf course ever since it was built in 1990 , he/she would most probably refute that by claiming the deal was done behind closed doors and no outside representatives were present.

In my opinion: Contrary to the Musqueam perspective, the lack of 3rd party representatives, the legal issues and the inefficient management of property makes the Musqueam Reconciliatory Agreement a bad, if not unjust, decision.

First, we need to understand the Musqueam Reconciliatory agreement. In 2005, the Appeal Court ruled that the Province failed to adequately consult the Musqueam Band when the province sold the UBC golf course lands to UBC. The court gave the Province 2 years to reach an agreement with the Musqueam. However, when the judge requested the province to make a decision, she meant to talk it out, make necessary monetary compensations. In fact, even the Musqueam did not want the Golf Course lands, at least not yet. They merely want to use that piece of land as a bartering tool when they finally sit down to negotiate a treaty with the Crown.

At this point, one must stop and ask, does the Province actually have the authority to give lands to the Musqueam at all? The Royal Proclamation in 1763 clearly states that only the Crown can sell, buy, or extinguish Native Claims and lands. No other document has refuted that as of yet. But Premier Campbell gave not only the golf course land, but also 3 other parcels of land in the UBC campus and a cash payment of $20.3 million.

As the band reported to the Appeal Court, the band needed the lands because its current reserves are inadequate for it's members' present or future holdings. But years later, with an addition of four parcels of land, all of which are used for developments instead of residential purposes, some Musqueam natives still live in desolation. Leslie Guerin, a 44 year-old status Indian, still lives with his wife under a blue tarp thrown between his motor home and trailer. Many natives like him still live without running water, heat or power. The Musqueam Nation, probably one of the wealthiest bands in Canada, has land holdings of hundreds of millions of dollars. But yet, on the far ends of the Musqueam community many houses are in desperate need of repair.

This is a Research paper I have to write on Monday, and this is my first draft. I am supposed to write 1500 words but I only got to 1/3 since I have to write it in class over 3 seperate periods.

So tell me what you think so that I can have a better idea on how to improve.

Note: I did not add in footnotes cause it's too troublesome, but i know how to do it and ill do it in class.

ANY help would be appreciated thanks.

Book Reports / Macbeth Reflection, conclusion is a little cheesy? [5]

Macbeth Reflections

Macbeth is a book filled with betrayal, prophecies, revenge and many other themes. After reading this book I feel that Macbeth is indeed tragic because of his one fatal flaw, or harmatia. As one could see, throughout this book, Macbeth seeks guidance from the wrong people like the witches, his wife, whose ambition is as great, if not greater than his.

However, one must pause and consider whether Macbeth is really the cold blooded murderer and traitor everyone thought him to be. Firstly, the three witches, similar to the three Fates in the Greek legends, influenced him greatly with their prophecies. But without these prophecies of fame and power, would Macbeth actually have killed King Duncan? For instance, if Macbeth had not known that he would become king, would he have been bothered by the fact that Malcolm had been appointed the Prince of Cumberland? Would he, then, have killed Duncan to seize the throne? Macbeth most certainly has deep, dark ambitions inside of him, like kindling, but without the lit match of the three witches' prophecy, would his ambitions have been lit?

And secondly, irony is an ever prevailing theme in this book, from the beginning till the end. All of the witches' prophecies came true, but not in a way most readers would expect. That is why in any story, oracles (the witches in this case) speak in riddles, because they only gave away part of the whole picture but never the entire thing. What is ironic is that while the prophecies all seem in Macbeth's favour, he ends up getting killed because he placed all his faith in the prophecies and never even bothered with a back-up plan, and even though he is killed by Banquo at the end of the book, none of the prophesies proved false.

Another thing I realized in the book was the dilemma of whether Macbeth actually killed Duncan. Shakespeare neglected to mention a single scene where Macbeth is seen killing Duncan. The only scenes are before he kills Duncan (Act 2 Scene 1) and after he kills the King (Act 2 Scene 2). What happened in between those two scenes is an enigma which probably can never be accurately answered since Shakespeare has already left this world.

Moreover, even had Macbeth actually done it, the case would never stand to reason in our modern courts of law. Firstly, the three witches have told him prophecies which, as I mentioned previously, probably influenced him to kill Duncan. That would mean only a second-degree murder. Secondly, Duncan was staying in Macbeth's castle. The prescence of a king would probably guarantee a huge banquet held in his honour. Therefore, there is a high chance that Macbeth was intoxicated while doing the deed. That would mean only a manslaughter charge. Thirdly, as one could see from the book, Macbeth can become very bloodthirsty, and prone to anger. In a fit of anger, he had killed Macduff's entire family, including Macduff's young child. Nowadays, he could probably cope an insanity plea which would probably be sustained.

"Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more." (act 5 scene 5) This quote is perhaps one of the most recognizable quotes in the entire book. This could also be a theme to the book, Macbeth is telling us how short life can be, and how important it is to make full use of it. Perhaps that is the reason why he wanted to become king, to live life to the fullest.

This turned out a little longer than I expected, hopefully someone can trim it a little, and maybe provide some helpful tips. I think the conclusion is a little cheesy, might need help with that, but I really wanted to use that quote.