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Posts by CTToner1123
Joined: Dec 14, 2008
Last Post: Dec 28, 2008
Threads: 3
Posts: 24  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 27
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CTToner1123   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Cornell: why hospitality management? [4]

I applied to Cornell's Hospitality Administration program as well! I will say that your essay is waaaay too long! The essay is supposed to be 500 word or less! Yours is upwards of 1000!
CTToner1123   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / My Seventh Continent. Commonapp essay showing that I am suicidal? [10]

This is a risky topic but a deep one. You want to provide an essay that shows a stable, productive person who is growing. Like other people said, focus it more on maybe how you value life and what you see in your own life that would make you want to LIVE rather than do what the characters in the book did. You can say how you have the bad days but your good days and your love of life's unknowns, windfalls, excitement etc. is what makes you happy rather than depressed like the characters. Hopefully this clarifies how you should and shouldn't go about writing this.
CTToner1123   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Wesleyan "How to contribute to the country" [6]

I freaked out too finals1234 and then I researched the admissions page and it says that the essay is part of the FREEMAN ASIAN SCHOLARS PROGRAM which means that this essay is a requirement for international students coming from an Asian country. Thank God, I have enough supplemental essays as it is.
CTToner1123   
Dec 22, 2008
Undergraduate / ECONOMICS, CHINA & ASIA PACIFIC STUDIES; Cornell college of arts and sciences [7]

Cornell really looks for a kid who wants to go to their school and is devoted to their programs. I don't if I would start off an essay describing your subject of choice and say how you're not sure if you really want it. It doesn't read well. I would not take that risk because it didn't really translate well. I didn't see it as a risk. I think you should reword it and focus on how you love economics and how something in your life got you interested.
CTToner1123   
Dec 16, 2008
Undergraduate / "an English major" - Bowdoin Supplemental Essay [4]

It's good that you used a personal experience and tied it in to what you want out of Bowdoin/what you can bring to Bowdoin. There are A LOT of grammatical errors though that, when fixed, can greatly improve your essay as a whole. I would try to reread it, find the errors, and smooth things out, making them sound nicer. The concept, which is the most important part, is very good though. I like it.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / so far, everyone who has read it says it's good....Magic of Music ---UC #1 [8]

Don't worry about trying to cover ALL aspects of your life in one essay, you can't do it. You did a really good job of writing about one of your passions, describing it vividly, and captivating the reader. What more do you want? haha. You have other ways of describing who you are too, with your supplements, describe the EC, and your application itself. Definitely keep this essay.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "Lehigh seeks to encourage a campus environment" help, Supplement Essay [3]

You can talk about how you found yourself in a situation where you were deprived of "understanding, appreciation, and respect" and talk about how you have discovered the importance of these in real life and how you value being respected and appreciated. Maybe there is a personal situation where you felt like you weren't treated fairly or something along those lines, how you learned from it/dealt with it, and how you value a place that does treat people appropriately because you understand what it's like to be in that situation.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Essays / How I contribute to Diversity? - scholarship essay; How do I begin this essay? [5]

How you contribute to diversity sounds like a tricky topic, but you can actually apply it to a bunch of things. Maybe talk about eccentric family traditions, community you were brought up in, if you are from a different culture, decided to start something new at your school, took the initiative and spearheaded something never done before. You can really use any of these as a theme of diversity, it's all about how you describe it in an essay. Jot down ideas and build from it, think of all the ways that you can bring something new, vibrant, fresh to the Lehigh campus. If you need help, just write down some of the starting ideas and maybe someone on here can help you collect ideas.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "Food for Thought"-Common App Essay [7]

Sorry, I know I posted a few times on my own thread but I just had some questions:

Should I put an age in the essay, I don't want to give the admissions people the impression that I was so sheltered/immature regarding food. I don't know if this matters or not. Also, my essay is a bit on the long side but I didn't think it dragged on, what about other readers? I only care about length if it gets repetitive/boring in parts but if it's interesting the whole way through then I'm okay with a few extra words. Thanks again!
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / Swampscott Mass- Supplement [5]

Yeah, the North Shore area is kind of confusing, but I will agree with you that it is very nice! I'm assuming you liked the second essay I posted (The one right above your comment) or did you like my original? Your suggestion helped me think of a good conclusion sentence as to why I chose UVA. Thanks!
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Hong-Kong and Toronto' - Common App short answer - activities [11]

Wait, is your original post the common app extra curricular description or a supplement? Because if this is part of the common app, then you shouldn't recycle it because it will appear twice. If the school you are applying to doesn't take common app then sure, use it. Just don't put the same thing on the same application twice. So as long as that's the case then, yeah, you could use the same thing because they are basically asking the same thing.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Directions for my future' - MIT supplement essay [3]

One question, what is the word limit on this? You do a nice job of writing about all the things listed in the supplement and describing them in paragraphs, but for me, I like reading something that builds upon itself, is creative, and is really funny, sad, dramatic, etc. I don't know if this comment goes against the prompt, but I would rather see you talk about one aspect of your life and build upon that, maybe using something to tie in other aspects about you but still keep the same common theme if you know what I mean. Take your love for science, you can expand on it and maybe incorporate clubs or extracurriculars that have something to do with science/math (I'm sure you have a bunch of those if you are applying to MIT), what you have learned from these clubs, what first got you interested in science (maybe tie it in to your family, someone who got you interested in the field). You don't necessarily have to write about science, you can take the same concept and apply it to your music or something else. That's just how I would write it so it's just a suggestion. Hope this helps.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / Swampscott Mass- Supplement [5]

The Prompt is: Describe the environment you come from and how it shaped you.
I'm having a little bit of trouble with the ending, maybe adding a sentence or two. I'm currently at 215/250 words so there's room to add stuff. Any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks!


When I drive to school each morning, I pass the beach and admire the calm ebb and flow of the waves, motions strikingly similar to the pace of life in Swampscott: slow and relaxed. I often refer to Swampscott, Massachusetts as "that town about twenty minutes north of Boston", for it is rare that you find a stranger who actually knows where I am talking about. Swampscott is a beautiful coastal suburb, a hidden gem tucked away from the busy city life that exists only a short distance away. I love the comfort I feel when enveloped by the cool sea breeze or the satisfaction of diving off of the Swampscott pier on a stifling summer day, and I realize how truly fortunate I am to be part of such a wonderful community. As a member of our local Church, I volunteer regularly at My Brother's Table, a soup kitchen located in the neighboring city of Lynn. Volunteering alongside fellow Swampscott residents, I realize that I am part of a community that cares, a close-knit group of people that is interested in the wellbeing of residents and neighbors alike. It is this compassion, the idea of community and its worth, that I hope to carry with me when I leave Swampscott. No matter what lies beyond the "Welcome to Swampscott" sign, I know I will have the support of my community behind me.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "Food for Thought"-Common App Essay [7]

Yeah, that's what I was getting at. I think the most important part of the essay is the first sentence and just attracting the audience. It sounds way more interesting than "I'm bored on this long plane ride". Did you think there are any grammatical errors/areas to improve on? Thanks for your help.
CTToner1123   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "Food for Thought"-Common App Essay [7]

Thanks for all your input. I applied to Cornell's Hotel school early but my application was "postponed until regular decision". Oh well.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Tennis: On and Off the Court (an extracurricular activity essay) [8]

Hi, do you think anyone could give me some feedback on my 250 word describe an extracurricular activity essay? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

P.S. I have also posted my common app essay "Food for Thought" and was wondering if anyone could comment on that as well. Thanks again!


For the past seven years, tennis has been my passion. Learning the game and developing my skills were important, but nothing equaled the life lessons I acquired through playing. I practiced constantly, seeking to improve. The long hours and my desire to succeed paid off for I am now my team's captain and first singles player. I have learned to apply this same diligence during matches, understanding that winning is usually the result of effort and desire. As captain, I demonstrate my leadership abilities and try to inspire my teammates to have the same passion I feel. Through competition, I have developed a greater sense of camaraderie. I have had the opportunity to meet new people, whether they are experienced forty-year olds or up-and-coming four year olds. Tennis is more than a sport; it depicts real life and the qualities necessary to succeed off the court.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay for princeton, "The profound thinker" - I'd like your opinion! [3]

I really like the quote you used and your essay as a whole is great, I didn't find any grammatical errors. I really like how you tied everything up in the last two sentences and thought the whole idea was very creative. Good job.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can I get a packet of cigarettes?" - common apps short answer [5]

]The work was considerably challenging, requiring complete honesty (I was not to deceive the seller) and an immense amount of courage, making the task difficult for an introvert like me . Ever since my first purchase, however,the work became easier as I continued to build confidence. Although I was doing this for a profit, I acquired something greater than 40 dollars.I overcame a great fear and found great joy in my assignments. I have matured emotionally and am no longer nervous when meeting new people.

Try to make the ending a little more general. It may be true that you overcame a fear of talking to shopkeepers, but that's just one aspect of life. Try describing a little bit more in detail about how you have overcome your fear and applied it to life.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "conflicting cultures" - COLUMBIA ADMISSION ESSAY [9]

I like the flow of essay number 2 better. The second one grabbed my attention and I think that you could bring ideas from number 1 to essay 2. And don't freak out about your SAT scores because they are not horrible. I know it's Columbia but you never know what they are looking for. You have great grades and "potentially" great essay. You never know with ivies, just make sure you have backups. Good luck.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "Food for Thought"-Common App Essay [7]

I was a captive. For nearly twenty-two hours I was confined to a single chair, offered small meals accompanied by water. I did not suffer alone, but with my family and two hundred other passengers. The fasten seatbelt sign emitted its dull orange light, signaling our descent. I couldn't help but feel nervous. As the plane slowed to a halt, the flight attendant's voice could be heard throughout the cabin: "Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to Incheon International Airport and enjoy your stay in Seoul, South Korea."

The airport was a metropolis. Koreans pushed past one another as they scrambled to catch their flights. I tried to read the signs but they were so unfamiliar, a combination of lines and dashes. The conversations around me all seemed to mesh together, creating one large, indecipherable noise. I felt like a captive once again, constrained by my own limitations, deeply affected by "culture shock". Stepping foot outside of the airport, I was prepared to reject the Korean culture before getting the opportunity to experience it.

Upon exiting the airport, we were greeted by a familiar face, my uncle, who lives in Korea and works as a general manager for the U.S. military golf course, Sung Nam.

After the ordeal of the twenty-two hour flight, my mind, or my stomach rather, could only focus on one thing: food. I had passed up the on-flight meal, which I could only describe as some sort of "mystery meat", so I was in desperate need of a good meal. Sympathizing with my situation, my uncle assured me that we would eat immediately, listing the many options available in the city. To my horror, the list did not contain the necessities: McDonald's, Burger King, or Wendy's. The pained expression on my face drew laughter from my family but I certainly didn't find the situation funny. I was content with my American diet, uninterested in anything other than burgers, chicken fingers, and French fries.

The city streets smelled of herbs: spicy, fiery, earthy herbs that permeated the air and penetrated the senses. My nostrils picked up traces of garlic and hot chili pepper and the smells nearly brought me to tears. Vendors lined the sidewalk, selling such foods as seaweed, squid, and steamed rice cakes. As I walked along the sidewalk towards the restaurant, I felt as if I was walking to my imminent doom. The sight of the long, slimy green seaweed was enough to eliminate my appetite for the rest of the week. Little did I know that my experience at a traditional outdoor Korean restaurant in Namdaemun would help me better understand this perplexing culture and in turn, help me better understand myself.

At two large tables, women were busy tending to vats of traditional Korean food. Sprawled along the table were plates of steamed vegetables, white rice, Korean tempura or dwigim, and a variety of seafood. I reluctantly approached the tables hoping that the food stalls incorporated American food into the Korean cuisine. Unfortunately, the closest thing to a hamburger was the bulgogi, barbecued beef. I was methodical about my choices, analyzing every detail of the food before deciding to put it on my plate. The vendor was clearly amused by my cautious approach to choosing food, for she couldn't stop herself from smiling. I finally pointed to the dwigim, Korean tempura, since it was the closest thing to chicken fingers on the table. The golden batter and visible grease stains were too enticing to pass up. I also chose a small portion of white rice, steamed vegetables, and green onion pancakes. The vendor tried to persuade me to help myself to kimchi, however the smell of fermented cabbage was enough reason to shake my head "no".

Staring at my plate, I probed the food for several minutes before finally mustering the courage to try the dwigim. I cringed as I brought the food closer, convinced that I wouldn't like it. I was a self-proclaimed "food psychic", knowing that I wouldn't like a particular food before even trying it. After swallowing the dwigim, I realized that I actually liked it. The crispy batter was exactly what I was craving. I moved on to the other food on my plate, inhaling the small portion of rice, then the vegetables, and lastly the green onion pancakes.

Surprisingly, I felt a strong sense of accomplishment, as if I had just overcome a great obstacle in my life. In a way I had. But I couldn't help wonder, how many other things had I passed by due to my preconceived "disapproval"? I was unaware of the possibilities offered in other cultures. By trying foods such as the dwigim and steamed rice, the idea of new and different alternatives became more obvious. I dismissed my prejudices and learned the importance of trying new things. Who's to say that Korean food can't also be considered "good food" simply because it is different? Despite being a relatively trivial matter, the food experience allowed me to appreciate another culture in a way I never expected. I discovered the importance of an open mind and the positive results that can come with trying new things. Before this vacation, I would have never guessed that I would return home with a rice cooker and traditional Korean cookbook.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Studying Mathematics - My personal statement [3]

Okay, I like the first two paragraphs where you talk about math but then it starts talking about football and there is no bridge/connection made. Then after you explain the things that you do outside of school, you go back to saying you want to study math at the end. I don't really see how the fourth and fifth paragraphs fit. The first three are good though and I think if you transitioned better like you did in the third, it would sound better overall. Just remember you're writing an essay so it has to have strong transitions and body paragraphs as well as substance.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / A Wake-up Call- Common App essay [6]

At the beginning, I think that you used strong adjectives that don't quite fit like: "fervently looked forward to:, "my thoughts ceased", "ten hour ride never seemed so prolonged", "gaunt figure". They are sophisticated/powerful words, however they seem like they were just plugged into shift F7 if you know what I mean. Try using the same strength of a word that fits a little better. Other than that, I like it.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can I get a packet of cigarettes?" - common apps short answer [5]

I would rewrite the first sentence and say: I was only 13 when I nervously asked this to a baffled shopkeeper who immediately questioned my age. He was unaware that the cigarettes were not for myself, but rather for my work. I was involved in a surveillance project conducted by my local health department which required that I attempt to buy cigarettes from a range of retailers.
CTToner1123   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - a situation with my Mom [3]

I like the description you start off with at the beginning but maybe take out the second sentence or make it a little more clear since I didn't understand it/why it was there at first. I like your comparison but maybe explain it more in one or two sentences. Maybe say that when you bit into the lollipop, it represents a shattered life rather than scarred, how your "sheltered" existence turned upside down when you heard the news. I don't know, just helpful suggestions. Also try to make the third paragraph a little clearer. You can make the first sentence of the third paragraph really catchy if you clean it up a bit. Do you mean the waiting room or the family room in your house? It gets confusing. The concept is good, just clarify and maybe pinpoint some details where you can really expand on your creativity. I'd be happy to re-read the updated version!
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