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Posts by debaterchick09
Joined: Dec 26, 2008
Last Post: Jan 14, 2009
Threads: 7
Posts: 29  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 36
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debaterchick09   
Jan 14, 2009
Undergraduate / emory essay (psychology field) [3]

this is my final draft! please help me pick out any mistakes that i may have missed! thanks for your help!

The thirst for learning more and a chance to participate in a vast amount of extra curricular activities pushes me to seek out colleges and universities that will quench the thirst.

The field I want to pursue is psychology. The undergraduate program of social science at Emory is exactly what I need to quench my thirst. The commitment of the faculty and numerous research opportunities in the department of psychology contribute to the originality of the undergraduate program.

Not only does Emory have an undergraduate program that fits my needs, but it also has many unique organizations I would love to participate in. I have taken every initiative to perform service and leadership through my high school years. I wish to continue the same trend through my college education. Clearfield high school is the only school in Utah that has adopted Link Crew, an orientation organization for our sophomore class. I enjoy being part of that program and wish to participate in the Peer Assisted Leaders in my second year at Oxford. My appeal for Emory increased when I found out the Barkley Debate team is available. I hope to further my debate career through college and Barkley Debate is a sure way to accomplish my goal. It would be an honor to run for Executive Vice President for Oxford's Student Government Association. Doors of opportunities will be opened because of the undergraduate school of Oxford. Being a two year school will help me seek opportunities that are not accessible to students at other colleges.

In the Davis district of Utah, diversity is not very common. I am the only Muslim Palestinian in my high school. There are a slim amount of organizations I can participate in to find other individuals who hold onto the same beliefs I do. In this aspect Emory is the opposite of Utah. The diversity on campus itself will be a fresh change for me. Programs like M.O.R.E will help me make the transition from high school to college.

Emory has the best means to fulfill my dreams of studying social psychology. It has a well developed undergraduate program with faculty who care about their students. The unique organizations at Emory will allow me to keep a balance of education and enable me to participate in community service while finding others who share the same interests. That is why I choose Emory. It is the water that will quench my thirst.
debaterchick09   
Jan 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Short Essay "The Brown Phenomenon" [7]

Q:Tell us about the academic areas that interest you most and your reasons for applying to Brown.
you covered your reason to why you are applying to Brown, but did not tell them about the academic areas that interest you most. I enjoyed reading this and can tell that you really want to go to Brown. But be sure to answer their question fully. Good luck! Hope this helped
debaterchick09   
Dec 31, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay about Stereotyped beliefs on certain race from a Muslim woman perspective. [4]

amherst quote-tried re-writing still unclear, help please

I tried re-writing but i still need a lot of help and i feel the flow is awful. Please help me make this better. Thank you

It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the texts from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay. (250-500)

"Stereotyped beliefs have the power to become self-fulfilling prophesies for behavior."
Elizabeth Aries, Professor of Psychology, Amherst College

Arabs are too lazy to fix the problems that pollute their countries. How many terrorists have you seen when you lived in the Middle East? Wait, I thought women in all parts of the Middle East were not allowed to walk outside with out wearing the traditional head scarf. These are the typical stereotyped questions and statements I receive from people.

Stereotyped beliefs do have the power to become self-fulfilling prophesies for behavior only when the person being stereotyped allows it to happen. I personally have not allowed a stereotyped belief to have self-fulfilling prophecy on my behavior. Being a Muslim woman born and raised in United Arab Emirates, people have the impression that I come from an oppressive, strict, and closed minded background. Their impression of me has not prophesied my behavior. I am rather the opposite of the typical impression people have of those who are Muslim and Arabic. I am willing to learn new concepts, accepting of all people, and have a mind of my own.

Far-fetched questions and stereotyped statements are directed toward me on a regular basis. These statements have increased due to the devastation of 9/11. The gruesome actions of a few extremists have shaped how most people perceive the Muslim culture. People have categorized me as a terrorist. Unkind stereotypes did discourage me from better informing people around me. If discontinued informing people of the true Arab ways I would have fallen into the stereotype that Arabs are too lazy to fix their problems. I have been, to the best of my capability, tried informing people of the culture and ways of the Middle East in hope of changing their stereotyped beliefs. People who are true Muslims do not kill simply because they believe the other race is inferior to them. Instead, the Muslim faith focuses on brotherly love, acceptance, and the tolerance of others.

By informing individuals about the nature of the Muslim culture, I hope to disable the power of those who negatively stereotype.
debaterchick09   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Bowdoin supplement - change the world [5]

Okay so here is the essay I edited with your help. Is it better now? Flow, sentence structure, grammer, etc?

My academic experience began when I walked into the unknown as I entered my third grade classroom. Two weeks earlier I had boarded a plane from the United Arab Emirates to San Fernando Valley, California. Students at my new elementary school did not treat me with the welcome I had expected. Isolation was my friend for a period of time because of the language barrier.

So much has changed from my first academic experience in the United States. It is no longer an academic experience, but an academic journey. I changed my experience into a journey through my progress in school. I am now proficient in both Arabic and English. Isolation is not an issue I face in high school. Today, I value academics and my extra-curricular activities as top priorities. I hope to continue my academic journey by attending Bowdoin. Through my difficult years in elementary school, I developed a work ethic that is with me to this day. My work ethic will be the put to the most use at Bowdoin because of the rigorous academic courses. I expect my academic journey to be diverse and enable the world to change me and for me to change the world.

Diversity will be evident in my academic journey through the variety of the courses in the field of psychology. I hope to understand the interaction of the nature vs. nurture issue with the help of Associate Professor Sam Putnam. At Bowdoin, I will have the opportunity of being the student as well as the teacher through the teaching assistantship in psychology. This will be a unique way for me to acquire teaching experience that will also help enhance my understanding of the course material. My hopes of studying social psychology and child development will be best addressed at Bowdoin more than any other institute. Through Bowdoin's education I will be "inspired to become a world citizen and leader with acute sensitivity to the social and natural worlds."

I believe Bowdoin's academic journey package includes giving back to others through its vast types of community service. The common good allows its participants to learn, serve, and lead. Service plays an important role in my life. I hope to increase my participation in service at Bowdoin. Through the common good I will be able to help change the world. Many college students participate in the party scene during spring break. Instead, I wish to be a part of Alternative Spring Break. This opportunity will enable me to broaden my horizon through helping others less fortunate than I.

I have gone a long way from my first American academic experience; I made it into an academic journey. My journey has taken new heights through my high school experience. I hope to continue my academic journey at Bowdoin. My expectations of Bowdoin are high, but I know with the help of Bowdoin I will reach my expectations. The world will change me and I will change it by attending Bowdoin.
debaterchick09   
Dec 30, 2008
Undergraduate / Bowdoin supplement - change the world [5]

Thank you so much! i will be sure to take out the repitions :)
Anyone else want to give it a try? Please I need all the help i can get!
debaterchick09   
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Summer activity (a substitute teacher at Ithan Elementary School) [10]

This summer was full of bliss to me .

Not only was I happy to be a part of school faculty, but I was also contented by the fact that I could work at my elementary school.

Was Hunt a teacher? if so state I confidently called a teacher Hunt, a teacher i used to refer to as Mr. Hunt.

good luck :)
debaterchick09   
Dec 29, 2008
Undergraduate / Bowdoin supplement - change the world [5]

Bowdoin is a liberal arts college that is unusually vibrant intellectually. Some students enter Bowdoin with a clear commitment to a particular course of study; others come considering a broader range of academic possibilities while seeking the intellectual path that most excites them. What all students will share is exposure to the breadth and depth the Bowdoin curriculum provides. Describe what you expect your academic journey at Bowdoin to include. (Suggested length 250-500 words.)

I walked into the unknown as I entered my third grade classroom in Nevada Elementary. This is when my academic experience began. Two weeks earlier I had just boarded a plan to San Fernando Valley, California. I was completely and utterly wrong. Students at my new elementary school did not treat me with the welcome I had expected. Isolation was my friend for a period of time because of language barrier.

So much has changed from my first academic experience in the United States. It is no longer an academic experience, but an academic journey.
...
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / NU statement (Center for Student Involvement) [5]

I also would love to be part of Center for Student Involvement (CSI)at Northwestern. My experience with Habitat for Humanity in Chiangmai, Thailand was truly a life-changing experiences. Constructing houses for the people who were in need and interacting with the community as a whole transformed me inside out. I became to appreciate trivialities as I saw what it is like to be without them. At Northwestern where (delete) I see numerous opportunities to make a change in the society, I have to say my heart is already with them. I do hope you will consider having me as a member of the Northwestern family.

This has some confusing sentences. Like "i have to say my heart is already with them"

What opportunities do you see at NU?

Hope this helps and best of luck!
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Penn: Professor and why? 'Mr. Diebold' [9]

this is a good piece this sentence "With published works such as "Volatility Forecasting" and "Micro Effects of Macro Announcements", his expertise in econometrics, financial economics, and macroeconomics parallel my areas of interest - which I have pursued through the IB extended essay and several written commentaries." seemed a little too long. I tried to help change it but i dont know if it makes it better.

hope this helps and best of luck!
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why rice social science? eh it seems too typical... [5]

I think my essay is too boring. Any suggestions to spice it up, fix grammer, etc. Anything is appreciated! Thanks :)
With the understanding that the choice of academic school you indicated is not binding, explain why you are applying to that particular school of study?

My dream career is straightforward, I want to earn my Ph.D. in psychology and become a social psychologist. Social psychology has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. It all started with the question of "why?" and my interest to help others solve problems they could not approach on their own. My questions have ranged from why people commit actions to receive attention, or why stereotypes are represented in the mind. I have already taken initiative towards my career by taking psychology and sociology classes that are provided through my high school. The thirst for learning more about the human mind pushes me to seek out colleges and universities that will quench the thirst.

Rice's School of Social Sciences program will quench my thirst for learning. The psychology program at Rice is one that is well-developed and will meet my needs. Programs like Psi Chi will encourage me to dig deeper to advance in the field of psychology. I am thrilled to know the psychology program finds research a key role in its form of learning. The intense research opportunities provided through the Honors Program appeals to me, I hope I will be able to join the Honors Program in my senior year. With that said, I believe Rice will enable me to quench my thirst for a greater education.
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

Thanks anyways. Best of luck to you!

can anyone else possibly point out any grammatical errors or any suggestions? thanks
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / Rochester supplement (different points of view) [4]

out of curiosity what is your word limit?

I am still a young man,naïve, and unsophisticated.

instead of...For any foreign students coming to the States, it is difficult to adapt new environment. Maybe try...
It is difficult for any foreign student coming to the United States to adapt to a new enviroment.
This can be made into two seperate sentences:
However, I have tolerance and patience to understand others given my international background and willing to participate in many communities to share my perspectives and contribute to diversity.

In economics major, which I wish to participate in,
change to: I wish to major in economics.

hope this helps!
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

please anyone's opinions, critiques and grammer corrections will help! Thanks.
Please write a brief statement telling us why you have decided to apply to Swarthmore in particular.

Swarthmore stands out to me the most not only because of its amazing academics, but its strong Quaker background, and close-knit community. With such qualities, I believe I can contribute and fit into Swarthmore most effectively.

I come from Utah where the Latter Day Saints faith plays an important role in the daily lives of many people. I am not LDS, but I share many of their values and morals. A problem I witnessed with Utah's LDS dominance is the community attempts to push the LDS faith on the non-members. Swarthmore, on the other hand, has the Quaker values of truth and equality but does not impose its beliefs on the student body. I see myself at Swarthmore because it has the strong moral background in which will help me pursue a higher education.

The community of Swarthmore is unlike any other. The student body emits radiating vibes of happiness. I believe the happiness is evident in the students because they are accepting of each swattie. Participation in traditional activities such as the chilling race of Crum Regatta, the annual premiere of the Graduate, and insightful cultural show proves to me "clique" factor is not an issue at Swarthmore. I enjoy diversity in the student body, whether it is in the race of the students or the activities they choose to participate in. Swarthmore has the diversity I seek. I would fit in Swarthmore's diversity pool because I am a Palestinian woman who is involved in Debate, Key Club, and Student Government. I hope to continue my Debate career at Swarthmore and join Amos J. Peaslee Debate Society.

At Swarthmore, I plan to study in the humanities and social sciences area. I plan to major in the field of social psychology. The foundations of humanities at Swarthmore would enable me to succeed in my field of study, with the help of its caring professors and its wide range of courses. I plan to participate in the honors program during my junior year for social psychology. Courses such as the prejudice and inter group relations instructed by Etsuko Browne appeal to me the most. The range of these courses will allow me to thrive in an atmosphere that no other institute can match.

With that said, I know I can contribute and fit into Swarthmore effectively because of its strong Quaker background, close-knit community, and strong foundations in humanities.
debaterchick09   
Dec 28, 2008
Undergraduate / northwestern statement- quench thirst! [3]

Ef_Kevin: Thank you so much! You have helped me alot.
Anyone else want to give me their input? Any critique is welcome! Thanks.
debaterchick09   
Dec 27, 2008
Undergraduate / northwestern statement- quench thirst! [3]

I really need help on the grammer aspect as well as anything that seems awkward. Any critique is welcome! Thanks!

Northwestern Statement

What are the unique qualities of Northwestern - and of the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying - that make you want to attend the University? In what ways do you hope to take advantage of the qualities you have identified?

My dream career is straightforward, I want to earn my Ph.D. in psychology become a social psychologist. Social psychology has been a passion of mine for as long as I can remember. It all started with the question of "why". My questions have ranged from why people commit actions to receive attention, or why stereotypes are represented in the mind. I have already taken initiative towards my career by taking psychology and sociology classes that are provided through my high school. The thirst for learning more about the human mind pushes me to seek out colleges and universities that will quench the thirst.

The undergraduate program of Judd A. and Marjorie Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences is exactly what I need to quench my thirst. The commitment of the faculty and numerous research opportunities in the department of psychology contribute to the originality of the undergraduate program. The availability of the instructors in the social sciences through "Coffee with a Prof" Undergraduate Psychology Association showed me that the faculty truly cares about the welfare of its students. I hope to be apart of the Undergraduate Psychology Association. I was very pleased to find a work study available for undergraduate students. It is a secure way to have hands on research opportunity alongside a professor. I would be thrilled to work alongside Jennifer Richeson as she focuses her research on prejudice and stereotypes.

Not only does Northwestern have undergraduate program that fits my needs, but it also has many unique organizations I would love to participate in. I have taken every chance I got to perform service and leadership through my high school years. I wish to continue the same trend through my college education. I would be honored to be apart the Best Buddies and the Habitat for Humanity program. Helping others in need is a passion of mine and I plan to continue the passion in my higher education.

In the Davis district of Utah diversity is not very common. I am the only Muslim Palestinian in my high school. There is a slim amount of organizations in which I can participate in that I can find people who hold onto the same beliefs as I do. Northwestern is the opposite of Utah in this aspect. The Muslim-cultural Students Association and Northwestern Model Arab League are two of the organizations that I would be thrilled to participate in. These organizations will allow me to seek other intellectuals who share the Islamic faith, interests in politics and debate, as well as participating in community service.

My dreams of studying social psychology will be best fulfilled at Northwestern. It has a well-developed undergraduate program with faculty who cares about its students and willing to provide opportunities for them that are not easily found anywhere else. The unique organizations at Northwestern will allow me to keep a balance of education and enable me to participate in community service and find others that share the same interests I do. With that said, I believe Northwestern has unique qualities will allow me to quench my thirst.
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'one's self is through discovery' - EMORY supplement [4]

when you mention your friend be sure to add a name, it will make it sound more personal. Also I would be careful with the whole 7:1 portion of the essay because in the prompt it says besides size, location and reputation, why emory.

"I believe this is a vital ingredient in any successful University. This coupled with the wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present will help me locate people with similar interests and integrate easily into society"

tell them what are the activites you want to participate in. Show them that you are specific and know what you want.

Hope this helped! :)
would you return the favor and help me with my essay? I really need! Thanks.
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay about Stereotyped beliefs on certain race from a Muslim woman perspective. [4]

I really need help polishing this essay. So any input will be helpful!
THANK YOU!! :)

It is not necessary to research, read, or refer to the texts from which these quotations are taken; we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay. (250-500 words)

"Stereotyped beliefs have the power to become self-fulfilling prophesies for behavior."
Elizabeth Aries, Professor of Psychology, Amherst College

Stereotyped beliefs do have the power to become self-fulfilling prophesies for behavior if the person who is being stereotyped allows it to happen. My focus is not on the stereotype of men and women, but the stereotype of certain race. I personally have not allowed a stereotyped belief to have self-fulfilling prophecy for my behavior. Being a Muslim woman born and raised in United Arab Emirates, people have the impression that I come from an oppressive, strict, and close-minded background. There impression of me has not prophesied my behavior. I am quite the opposite of the typical impression people aim to those who are Muslim and Arabic. I am willing to learn new concepts, accepting of all people, and have a mind of my own.
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'I began to finalize my own college list' - Why Carnegie? [12]

I really like this essay! One thing i noticed is "I love people and I want to work for people and I want the people I love to be happy" I would talke out the first and replace it with a comma. Maybe instead of work for people say provide service. That sentence just need some rearranging

Hope this helped a little :)
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'Chemistry and new people' - Why do I want to apply to Emory University? [5]

I would revise your intro paragraph. The prompt states: based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons.,,,, Your intro paragraph you talk about the location of the school and the size of the classes. There were alot of "I also" try to spice it up and change the starting of some of your sentences.

"then Atlanta" take out then. some of this paragraph also falls in the location category of the prompt so you might want to take it out.

This a great essay! Needs some polishing, but it shows Emory that you have interest and did your research. Good job :)
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / essay about Setbacks, I'm a foreign student,need help [7]

be sure the culture conflict you wish to write about can answer all of the questions. If you can do that than I think you have a good topic. I would start brainstorming how you can answer all of the questions in the essay about Setbacks.

Hope this helps :)
debaterchick09   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / Motivated you to apply to Rice? Wonderful psychology program that fits my type of learning [4]

What motivated you to apply to Rice University? Please be specific and limit your response to 200 words

I am not only motivated to apply to Rice because of its prestigious rankings, but also for the qualities that allow Rice to shine and rise above all other colleges and universities. I am overly pleased to find out Rice has a wonderful psychology program that fits my type of learning. The programs reassured me Rice will be a perfect fit for me. I was won over when I learned Rice is eager to have diversity. The residential life at Rice helped motivate me to apply. Fitting in Rice University will not be an issue with a unique residential program. At Rice, I know I will have a support system to help me through my academic journey with the office of Academic Advising. Rice has a wide variety of student organizations in which I would love to be apart of. The George R. Brown Forensics society will help me continue my passion for public speaking. The qualities of academics and unique student approach motivated me to apply to Rice University.
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