Undergraduate / COMMUNITY CLINIC; an extracurricular activity that impacted on me [7]

Your essay kinda sets off on a weird start, not necessarily wrong or hard to follow, but just a little off, how about:
"I have never liked hospitals; the combined
smell of medicine and strong antiseptics had never been appealing to me, but the community clinic was where I had chosen to relinquish my spare time, while doing something meaningful- so stay, I would!"

"I was astonished BY the size of the clinic"

"To
add more fuel to THE fire"
-is this the best comparison though?

"a lot of girls who
weren't even eighteen years old because they
were pregnant and did not have money for pre
and post natal care as it was very cheap for
pregnant women to register to get free health
care"
- this sentence doesn't make sense, sounds like you saying the girls aren't eighteen because they fell pregnant? Break it down into two shorter sentences if you have necessary.

You have a great topic! And therefore, a huge potential to really create a memorable essay, however, you've gone about it quite lightly.
For example your last line sound like you ran out of things to say, and so you just closed the essay with the first thing that came to mind.

Show a little more enthusiasm and passion about this-life changing?-experience at a clinic of a struggling community.
Show exactly how excited you got to be able to go to work and touch the lives of many people with work that wasn't at all extraordinary, or instead of discussing the girls pregnancy in a few lines, describe exactly how dire the situation is AND how that impacted you!

Ps: do work on your vocabulary, particularly if you applying to the top schools.

Undergraduate / Soft-spoken (Stanford Roommate Essay) [7]

I think its a lovely essay, but does little to show your command over the English language.

Descriptions such as: ". My interests are about as
eclectic as it gets" and " "While I do like to get my
nerd on more often than not" make the essay pretty boring, I think your essay could do with a lot more personality.

You give us a list of mostly expected interest or ones that aren't really jaw dropping, which doesn't correlate with your bold opening line-"I am unpredictable".

Well, prove it then! What is most unpredictable about you? Can you zoom in your essay into just 2 or 3 qualities about you that are truly unpredictable, but also intriguing and then go into a deep discussion about that? As opposed to listing a few-okay-things.

This is a great start though! But get ready to rewrite a million times(just a year ago, I was in your shoes-and besides having to continuously rewrite all my essays, it all worked out well in the end!)

Undergraduate / Soft-spoken (Stanford Roommate Essay) [7]

Is there honestly no other side to you? If there is, then mention it! Ideally Stanford is looking for 'round' people, so you don't want to come off as being too nerd-like(what's the point of being smart if you only share it at precious moments?)

But on the other hand, I think its very brave of you to be so upfront about your introverted nature, it shows how self-aware you are.

Now, with that said, try thinking around how your quiet manner could be of great AND unique benefit to your roommate and the Stanford community

Ps: I'd advice that you do not refer to things such as "Standoffish", I may be thinking too far here, but the people reading your essay want to know that you chose Stanford because you genuinely feel that you have a lot too offer to their community, not because you see yourself as "Standoffish"

Undergraduate / 'My time in highschool' - University of Michigan - Supplemental Essay (#1) [3]

Well its impossible to help you when you no completely finished with the essay.
Though it has its flaws, your essay seems to be coming along pretty well.

Put up the complete essay once you done and I'll be happy to help

Writing Feedback / Forget, Repress & Relinquish THE PAST to Move up the ladder of Success & Achievement [3]

Thank you Dumi!

What would be your overall score out of 6?

Undergraduate / "Get me some water!" - Yale supplement (own topic) [8]

Hey, thanx for the comment, it was quite insightful.
I'll implement the recommended corrections.

As for the body, are you sure you lost attention on account of the vocabulary or do I really need to work on making it a little more coherent?

Thanx again for your help!

Undergraduate / Best Advice received? complaining about something you can control - ROUGH DRAFT [6]

Absolutely brilliant!
Its readable and the story not only, hooks ones attention, but maintains it throughout.
There's just one or two things needed to polish it, before sending(I hope I'm not too late, as its already Sunday here in South Africa)

But here we go:

1)" With all surfaces "cluttered" with items"
You used cluttered already in the opening lines, so replace it with "occupied" instead

2) The conditions WHICH ONE IS brought in the world WITH, are...

3) "woken" should be "woke"

4) Replace "Unlimited" with just "limited" (makes it look as if you had to strive even harder to combat your problem of limited resources)

5) "the blatant the mess had..."
Cut the "the" between "blatant" and "mess"

6) "serene a sight. With my mom, jokingly, ASKING..."

7) "about vilifying another has evoked"
Needs a comma between "another" and "has"

-in some instances when I didn't quote your original words, I used capital letter to show my alterations, it just seemed quicker-

LOVELY ESSAY, though, I'm so glad I could help. I hope this reaches you on time!

Undergraduate / Best Advice received? complaining about something you can control - ROUGH DRAFT [6]

Hey, I hope I can help (ALL MY CORRECTIONS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS):

1) Your introduction is too basic, it doesn't hook my attention at all. Try: Born in a home inundated with clutter, that it appeared as if I live in

a disorganized storage unit, with all surfaces
cluttered with items that hadn't been
acknowledged in years. It dawned on me that the conditions that you ARE brought into
the world in are ESSentially the only
predetermined FACTORS IN LIFE.

2) "For no particular reason"
This makes no sense as there is a very clear reasons for your exclamations
(which is the clutter).
Try: In an exasperated disposition I exclaimed...

3) "I couldn't quote it"
* You still can't quote her exact words, so why is this in the past tense?
* do not use contractions such as "couldn't"
* Do improve your vocabulary, try : I am unable to recall her exact words, though my sisters response...

4) "along the lines of..."
You should avoid any cliches, they are not a refuge for superior vocabulary, and they make you sound like a rambling 10year old, as opposed to the competent high school senior that colleges are looking for.

5) "not groundbreaking by any means"
Ask yourself what type of influence those words have and decide what to do.
Personally, I feel its a futile distraction and would probably be helpful if took it out.

6) "I quickly stopped complaining"
Again watch your vocabulary! You could have said: I immediately halted my complaints and began enlisting my unlimited resources to arrive at the most pertinent solution.

7) " The super glue and duct
tape method were NO longer (Feasible) as solutions"
Cut the short lived part it has no purpose.

Your essay has a lot of potential, and it is fairly good. However, I feel that you should work on conveying your thoughts more logically-particularly from the words, "the employees of...".

From there on it looses its well organized structure, and seems like there are a million ideas that spring from nowhere really.

You also need to work on your vocabulary, in order to effectively display an ability to communicate in a mature manner.

Its still a good essay, and with a bit of work you can make it a really great one.

Good luck on for your SAT, and the essay!
Let me know if you need help with your revised version.

Undergraduate / Why I want to go To boston University undergraduate supplemental essay by Keyla rosa [3]

You also sound a lot like someone who has yet to make use of all that has been afforded to you. There are applicants who have already seized every opportunity that's come they way, and you seem like a lazy kid from a financially well ut family. Try and avoid this(it is perfectly fine for a young teen to be a little relaxed at school, but it doesn't make you a competitive candidate)

To that end, can't you give your conclusion a far much more interesting touch. You are after all this well traveled global citizen, so there must be some way of lightning up your last words.

Great essay though, I liked it!

Undergraduate / Emerson College Supplement "Title Your Life" [3]

You can improve your diction, here and there. There are parts of the essay where your wording can sound more "mature" perhaps.

Nonetheless, its a good essay, but lacks color

Undergraduate / Greetings fellow Stanfor Admit; Stanford roommate essay [6]

I love it! Great work,hey.

At no point was I rolling on the floor with laughter, but I understood your humor, and I think its a good addition to the essay.

However, I am a little worried about you saying you always right. Why not add some witty statements in parenthesis to indicate that this "I am always right" statement is just a joke. Not too imply that you come off as cocky, but it helps to stay on the safe side.

Your essay has a good development, thus, I feel that your conclusion can be stronger and more memorable(just to seal the deal)

By request, I did ignore any grammar mistakes, but there were a few mistakes here and there, nothing heavy, but enough to anger Stanford.

"Most prestigious..." You risk sounding like someone who is only interested in Stanford because of its name, so how about, "the most intriguing/riveting/revolutionary..."

Just use anything that will make it clear that for you Stanford, is more than just a big name. It is your future home, after all!

Nonetheless, its a great essay, I'm also applying to Stanford, and I wish you all the best! (Though I probably need the luck more than you,lol)

Please help with my essays,thanks!

Undergraduate / 'Homelessness, a social problem' - Issues in community essay [9]

I can't help you much without knowing the essay's prompt. So please post the question.

Though, there were just a few things that grappled my attention:

1. Your first paragraph: very typical, it fails to lock my interest, nor establish yourself as a person(remember essays are an opportunity to represent the living person behind the transcript) Yet your essay seems to be very objective, as if you simply retelling research and facts that are more or less, pretty obvious.

2. "Major problems" try, "substantial predicaments"
I don't know how competitive this scholarship is, but if its a big one, then work on your vocabulary and sound like a well-read high school senior!

3, "which it's a condition of people who lack regular access to housing"
Rephrase this entire sentence please!
And avoid using contractions- "it's" - in an essay.

4. The words "homelessness" and "homeless" are used WAY too much. Either find better words or more creative ways of structuring some of your sentences, such that you won't need to say either of those two overly used words, and still get your point across.

5. "The most common people who"
Either take this entire line out or put some of it in parenthesis.

6. "Such as a job". Try "such as maintaining a job"

7. "Cause people to misinterpret...angry manner"
All I hear is this guy this and that guy that, nothing really that moves your essay forward.
So work on this line, because it does sound a lot like a pretty 10year old girl rambling about world peace and fairies, and nothing like a well established student whose attempting to reflect their 'said to be' intellectual opinion.

8. "All in All"
NO! This is too colloquial, and fails to support the highly academic tone that you seem to be aiming for.

There were a few other things that I felt needed changing, but it is very hard to decide if something is right or not, because of the little detail you give us. For example, what was the question? Is this the only essay you handing in?

And at some point in your essay, you need to discuss why this topic is of such interest to you.

Another big thing is your vocabulary. Given, the statistics and google, any high school freshman can write an essay of the same quality. So work on sounding matured, and the impact of your essay will drastically change.

Do get a second opinion, and like I said I can't really help you with such little information.
But you have a very good start so far, and I'm sure you won't struggle with producing a high quality essay.

Goodluck!

Undergraduate / I replied, "No, but I learned a great deal": Columbia Supplement [6]

Hey, another lovely essay!

1. I think the length is not really an issue, but more the lasting impression of the essay. Perhaps you should use more vivid language to create that memorable effect.

2. "Upon all the..." Remove the "all" its not necessary.

3. "Effort I went through". Should read "the inexorable effort I devoted into assembling a model of an electro..." I also removed the "my", because your very next sentence begins with MY.

4. "Taps on...said"
Tense! "Taps" is present tense, yet "said" is past tense. And there must also be a comma after the "said" because you open dialogue.

5. You forget to insert quotation marks after the word "bridge" (probably just a typing error and I'm being too ridiculous,lol)

6. "My science group..."
Try: "my crestfallen science group and I, plummeted our heads in disappointment"

7. "I THINK to myself"
You jump from past to present tense. Should be "I thought" or try, "I cogitated to myself..."

8. "Toward my project"
I think this is not necessary to mention and the sentence could possibly sound better without it.

9. "Instead of being disappointed"
You need to convey how some part of you felt disappointed or else you risk looking as if the entire science fair didn't mean much to you.

So try, "instead of being too consumed in disappointment"

10. "The rest of MY day"
How about, "the rest of THE day". There is an overuse of the word "my" in this essay, which some stuck up old person might see as a lack of good vocabulary.

11. "Looking at.."
No! Try, "went by observing/investigating/probing into..."

12. You use "fascinate" twice in one paragraph. This is no train smash, but the person reading your application might be a weirdo that gets bugged by this. So how about, "...being intrigued/enthralled/captivated by all the other projects"

13. "As I was walking" this is Past tense
But " my mother CaLLS me and ASKS" and now you slide into the present tense?

14. Just a suggestion for y our conclusion : "...but what you get out of it. Thus, altering my approach to the enhancement of erudition. As we left, my mother asked if I had won. With no hint of regret, I replied,..."

I enjoyed your essay nonetheless and I would suggest you get a english teacher to quickly read through it.

Undergraduate / 'Parodying Musics' - Caltech: Describing an Unusual way in which you have fun [8]

I know this is mentioned in one comment, but I feel it bares repeating. YOU NEED TO SPEAK MORE ABOUT YOURSELF.
Although it is well written, the essay is nothing more than a list of songs you have altered and it says nothing about you. You seem as if you have an interesting and adventurous personality, however this is not portrayed in this essay, it is merely an assumption. To that end, I think you can devote more attention to informing the reader about yourself, or atleast, let them know why these parodies are significant to you? (Did you do them because you were bored or do you have a great drive for music?)

I hope I could help.
Ps: thanks for helping with my essay!

Undergraduate / 'progression into the real world' - Rutgers Admission [3]

Brilliant essay! Very hard to find anything wrong with it, but here's my 2cents worth:

1. You give off a wordy description of the plane experience, going as far as mentioning the state of your pillow. Is this necessary?
They will be reading hundreds of essays and describing this one thing might be seen more as a time waster as opposed to provide the valuable insight on who you are.

2. "Almost was everyone" I think this can be phrased a little better

3. "Looked like castle". Looked like A castle

Although the essay gives a lot of detail on the type of diversity you would bring to a campus, it does very little in speaking towards your talents.

All I know is that you someone that strongly believes in their religion(which is great) and that your roots mean a lot to you. That's amazing, but one would suppose that you do devote your time to other things (what are these things)...so do mention a talent or two that would help show just how much of a 'round' person you are.

Another big thing I'd how you bottle all your leadership experiences in three words- "coordinate youth programs" - if you held any leadership position in this regard then tell us about it.

Speaking of any leadership positions makes it clear that you are hard working and that you have a genuine interest in that particular activity.

You are a superb writer with a lovely essay, and I think with a few changes you will have a one of a kind essay!

I hope I get to read your revised version!

Ps: I apologize for the late reply, its exams in South Africa and kind off got in over my head

Undergraduate / 'Rotary Exchange Program' - Experience Common App Essay [9]

I am absolutely sorry everyone!

I had planned to read your essay, but it is exams in South Africa right now.

I finish 15th and promise to read your essay.

Earnestly apologize, I feel like I've lied to you all, will definitely help where I can with your essays!

Undergraduate / "Get me some water!" - Yale supplement (own topic) [8]

Thank you for your comments!

"Their argument" refers to the public feeds that feed us the doctrine that we are "disadvantaged"

Undergraduate / 'Rotary Exchange Program' - Experience Common App Essay [9]

Hello,thank you all for your comments.

1stly. I have a very cruel 500 words limit to observe,thus I cannot be explaining some of the things.

2ndly. In South Africa, in each grade you are placed in a class according to your marks. So "first class" is made up of the students with the highest marks. This is explained in the School Report by my counselor.

We also refer to eight grade and ninth grade as grade eight and grade nine. But I'll just ask my counselor to make this more clear in his report.

3. The CORE experience throughout the essay is my life and time throughout high school. I try to SHOW that I am determined and hard working by discussing my experiences. I fond this method to be better than saying "I am a strong person because..."

So when I mention the Rotary exchange,the two jobs,being on"that side" it is only to display the difficulties I gave been through,in my high school career. This is made clear as the second last paragraph starts with "Reflecting on my high school experience"

4. "The other side of town" and "that side of town" The poor and the rich side?
I thought the connotation of those words make it very easy to pick these things up,but in my revised essay I think I'll explain it more.

5."In America!" This is said by me and its made clear by "as I probe..."

6. The conclusion: I believe it proves the type of intellect,or lack there of, that I am surrounded by at home. Yet,regardless of that I am still a thriving students. It sheds light on my financial circumstances,without shoving it in your face. While also displaying that my background is not the best one to produce successful students.

As a writer, I love to imply things rather than wave them in your face, but it seems like I tend to loose my reader, instead of strongly articulating the underlying message of the essay. My teacher also got confused here and there with this essay, so I will definitely implement some of your suggestions

Essentially I use this essay to give detail on the hard work that had to be put in on order to get my resume looking the way it does. So I don't give detail on the Rotary program itself because my focus is more centered around how difficult of an experience high school was for me,but I made it out stronger and as accomplished as some of the people who did not face these same problems.

Thank you,please feel free to share any more thoughts that you make have. I honestly I appreciate the help and I will be reading your essays very soon!

Thanks again

Undergraduate / 'Moving into a new country' - CUNY HONORS ESSAY [11]

OMG,you live in NEW YORK!!!!
That is such a dream for me and I'm hoping that the first time I land in the US it'll be at JFK!

Undergraduate / 'I see confidence in you' - common app essay [4]

What a lovely essay,very creative,well written and different. Your vocabulary is not only great,but also consistent. Its so good that I struggled to find anything wrong with it,but here's my 2cents worth anyway:

1. "It is quite magic that" should read "it is quite magiCAL that.."

2. "Running toward it". Edit to : "running towardS it"

3. "But yet my feet". But and Yet are interchangeable, so it is not necessary to mention them in the same sentence,let alone next to each other. Try "Yet, my feet..." And its better than starting a sentence off with the word But.

That's all I could find, and I think your conclusion is beautiful.
However,the purpose of this essay is to shed light on who you are and at the end of the essay I know that this is a very creative essay,so I take it the writer is creative,but I know very little about what the writer has been through in their life?

If there is more to you than your creativity then you should display it in this essay.
If you not applying for a major in Creative Writing then I think its best that this essay goes under "additional information" and then write something that says more about your experiences and how they have shaped you.

That's just my opinion,do ask other people though, sometimes I don't trust myself,lol.
I hope I was able to help!

Please read my Yale essay, I would really appreciate the feedback. Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'Moving into a new country' - CUNY HONORS ESSAY [11]

Lol, I don't know how good my essay is (and now that you've put pressure on me I might not upload it...lol,just kidding)

I'm applying to just about all the Ivies except Cornell,Brown and Penn.

YALE is my fav of them all,I'm sO in love with that school it truly will be my New Haven. I'm applying for a history and literature major. Those majors aren't common here in South Africa,so I'm really hoping that YALE accepts me!

Wow for all you know we might just meet at Harvard or Yale or even Princeton!

Undergraduate / 'academic programs of biology and classics' - Cornell Supplement Essay [5]

I think its amazing and mentioning both bio ansd the classics show that you are a round person of varied interests.
Colleges are looking for more than just a person whose fanatical about one major,they want to know that you can hold a conversation with a history or maths major. So mention both of them to show that there's more to you than the average kid who only cares about their own discipline.

Please read my one,if you have any time,I really need feedback. Thanks

Undergraduate / Music shapes me, makes me fearless; Topic of Your Choice (for Princeton App) [4]

Is there anyone experience or hardship related to music that you have had to overcome?
Eg. Your first performance,your struggles with an instrument,which you dealt with through endless persistence and unyielding determination?

Mention these things,they reflect your passion for music without having to slap the reader in the face with how much you love music.

Please read my essay, I desperately need feedback,thanks!

Undergraduate / My mother is a woman of multifarious personalities; she has made an impact on me [2]

Hey,I hope I can help. Here's my opinion:

1. Your introduction! It is very typical and doesn't hook my interest. Do work on it. How about starting the essay like this : Exploring the new toys that I had just received from my father, for my birthday, my heart halted at the sound of what seemed like a million gunshots"

I think that would get your readers interest faster.

2. "Time TO embrace the change" try "A hard time embracing the change"
Also you need to use better language than "hard time", it is way too colloquial and not suitable for the tone of what is meant to be an expose of your writing ability

3. "Back when I was younger" also very colloquial in style, cut the "Back"

4. "But IT all improved THANKS to my mother" you not speaking to your friend here,you writing an academic piece. So: " That all improved as a result of my mothers invaluable intervention"

5. The word "embrace" is mentioned 4 times throughout the essay,3 of those 4 times is all in the 1st paragraph. Work on your vocabulary!

6. "Isn't" do not use contractions

7. "My mother has already....life" you getting redundant here, I suggest you cut it out.
"I don't have trouble" try: I do not experience any difficulties..."
Any I'm not even sure if you should include this statement,because no matter how prepared you are,in life,you will come across a number of troubles and you need to show the college you applying to that you are mature enough to understand that there will always be problems in life (especially with change) However,your mother has equipped you to deal with those issues effectively.

8. "Like it was yesterday" do not use cliches,they make your essay sound like a 14year old wrote it.

9. "Birthdays" should be in singular form,so it should read: "like any other birthday".

10. "I've had" contractions again!

11. "Baking me my..." Should be "baking my..."

12. "My new toys my father had gifted me" should read: "THE new toys WHICH my father had presented to me as a gift" or as I indicated in my first point.

13. "Gifted" is used to describe talent!

14. "All over the place" this is a cliches and it makes you sound like an 8year old

15. "Army soldiers" cut the "army". Should be "Serbian Soldiers"

16. "It started to make sense" again, you need to work on vocabulary. Try : eventually maturity shed light on her words"

17. "My mother is..". Try: My mother, a woman of A multifarious personalitY". Does she have one personality which has different aspects ? Or does she have a million personalities?

18. "Reveals it front of" should be "reveals it IN front of..."

19. "Top-notch" Really? How about "Academically acclaimed" ?

20. " After ABOUT thirteen..." Cut out the "about"

21. "It is Now...that I underSTOOD..." You jumping tenses. NOW is in the present tense,but UNDERSTOOD is in the past tense.

You seem to have an enthralling story,however at the end of the essay I know tons about your mother and very little about you. This essay should be all about you,so when you mention your mothers traits or struggles,you need to discuss it within the context of your struggles.

You have had to flee your home country and integrate into American society,I'm sure that was not easy for you and you must have experienced difficulties with that. So why not talk about that and how those difficulties have made you stronger,adaptable,a better communicator and not to mention unique!

Because of your story, you have the potential of having an essay that really stands out, so focus on YOUR struggles, YoUR hardship and show that they make you different to everyone else.

Although the essay is to learn more about you, colleges also use this to asses your intellectual ability. So do not use colloquial words or statements,show a logical and structured development of ideas and thoughts, use good vocabulary and write in a style that is expected for a high school senior,if the admissions officer suspects that a freshman can write in a better style then regardless of your grades,they will be very worried about your academic potential.

So do a lot of editing,ensure that you implement an appropriate tone that not only projects your voice,but also shows that you are an academically strong candidate.

I hope I was able to help you,do get a second opinion,though.

Please comment on my essay! And I would love to read your revised version!

Undergraduate / 'Moving into a new country' - CUNY HONORS ESSAY [11]

Hey,
I'm glad I could help you!
And I understand that you hadn't edited tense and grammar,lol,you should read the 1st drafts of my essay,even I struggle to understand myself,lol

I will be posting my Common Application essay very soon,I'd love it if you gave it a look and feel free to tear it apart,I need all the help I can get.

Kind regards,
Phoebe

Writing Feedback / moving to America when I was three as the biggest struggle - personal statement [2]

Why not start with "the people,the environment...unfamiliar to me" this will keep the reader wondering up until the 4th sentence where you mention the USA, I think this will perfectly attain the readers interest.

Did people speak different languages or did they speak A different language. If you in an area that only speaks English then do not use the plural form with the word language.

"Where I called home" I'm not too sure about this one,I think it can be phrased differently.

"This message inspired me..." Try replacing 'message' with a stronger. Eg: this revelation..

"As life GOES ON,I have LEARNED" you start of with the present tense and continue in with past tense. Try : "as life went on, I have learned.." OR "as life goes on, I am constantly learning.."

Just keep to one tense

"I KNEW I MUST" KNEW is past tense,but MUST is present. Try ; I knew I needed to accept...

"But hard-work would help me improve" the 'but' is not applicable,because you not supplying a counter argument,you simply giving more information to support the statement before this sentence.

"But I must prove them wrong" Are you saying that thus far you have been unable to prove them wrong? Try saying: however,I have successfully proved them wrong.

"In my family is..." This is an error of concord. Remove the "In". And try to find something to replace the words "for example" as you don't want your essay to have any cliches.

"An experience that reassured me..." Try: an experience that has come to reassure me...

"I did need to learn one hard lesson" you need to sound mature with the style you use,so try: "I did learn an exceedingly important lesson on the way, and that was the significance of standing my ground and to not let anyone take advantage of me.

Cut out the "in my opinion" this is essentially a personal statement, so all you say is regarded to be entirely your opinion and this is another cliche.

Don't use cliche because your essay looses its unique qualities and begins to sound like every other essay!

"Our struggles make us stronger" make use of linking words to display a clear and decisive development of ideas and thoughts. Eg: "However,our struggles make us stronger"

"Journey I WILL embark ON,which is college with a major in a medical-related field.

Again linking statement and words are important. Say stuff like : Enthralled by the experience, I went on to volunteer at...

"Greatest attribute" should be attributes

I think your conclusion needs some work. You mention your greatest attributes and then the many opportunities available to you, but you provide no connection between the two?

So to make it more cohesive,try : "there are many...every moment,with the aid/implementation of my greatest attributes which are my endless persistence and unyielding resilience"

That's just my 2 cents worth,do get a second opinion!

I did enjoy your essay,though. I feel that you have a very interesting story to tell and you seem to be a very determined person. With a few changes you might just have a wining essay!

I am also applying to Yale and I would love it if you read my essay (feel free to tear it apart!)
I hope I could help you and I would love reading your revised essay.

Good luck with your essay,and who knows we might just meet at Yale one day!

Undergraduate / 'Moving into a new country' - CUNY HONORS ESSAY [11]

Hey there.

I think you've made sufficient progress with this essay and I feel that with all the effort you putting into this essay,you will definitely reap successful results. So here are my thoughts (all my corrections are the stuff in capital letters):

1. You keep on jumping tenses. From past to present and vice versa. Eg : "my hands WERE" but then you change to present with the words "toss" and "LOOK into the eyes..." And "I SAY to myself"

Those are all in the present tense and don't match with the past tense that you started with
Also with "YELLS my teammate" which is present tense,then you immediately switch to past when you say, "my feet WERE shaking".

I think its easier to keep the entire essay in the past tense,but that depends on what's comfortable with you. So decide on which tense you will write in and maintain it throughout the whole piece

2. "Look into the eyes..." Try saying : I stole a glance into ...

3. I am not sure about the last sentence of the first paragraph : "infusing...States". You loose me when from the words "is my family...".

I'm not sure what you trying to say (or I'm just not reading it correctly).
But here's a suggestion to consider : "infusing my determination...teneciousness is how I intend to attain my goals. All while facing the struggles of infiltrating into the American lifestyle/society with a poor family.

4. "A country OF" should read "a country with...AN eccentric"

5." The most consternating CHALLENGE IS their.."

6. "Communicating in English...United States" I don't think its necessary to mention this,so you might want to think of possibly cutting it out and instead say something like : "forced to take ESL..."

7. They had hope and believed in themselves".
Try: they HAVE hope and unconquerable FAITH. Hope that we will have a brighter future and faith that I will be the one to bring about that future.

8. Your vocabulary must be consistent. So instead of "made me work really hard" Try : propelled me to initiate an inexorable effort and dedication towards my academic endeavors.

9. "Through THE confrontation of their OWN challenges"

10. "Life is PREDOMINATLY A pursuit of..."

11. I don't what your word limit is,but try to keep it within 500 words.

Again,there is still too little about your struggles. When you mentioned how your parents would work till late, I was expecting you to shed more light on how that impacted you. Perhaps it made you more independent and resourceful, if it did then talk about it.

You talk of your parents struggles with integrating into American society. What about your struggles with that? How was high school for you as someone who wasn't born in the USA? What did YOU experienced? And has it impacted YOU? Did it make you more resilient,adaptable,a better communicator ? Talk of your strong traits that developed from your struggles.

The essay is only about you,so when you mention your parents and their struggles mention it within the context of your own struggles. So tell us how you were affected or strengthened by the hardship experienced by your parents and how all of that makes you unique!

There are a few grammar mistakes here and there, but the structure is good. I think before you write it again you should compile a list of the 2 or 3 most important things that you want to discuss and then let your essay develop around those main points.

You still made a lot of progress with this essay and I think you closer to making it perfect. Let me know if you need more help.

I hope this was helpful,though.
Remember to get a second opinion!

Goodluck!

Undergraduate / 'scholarly warriors' - Stanford - Intellectual vitality [3]

Lovely essay!

1. I think you should say just a little more about this intriguing community of intellects and most importantly how you held your worth among America's finest.

2. The fact that you were part of this program beautifully depicts your curiosity (as you wouldn't be there if you didn't care) however, I think you can portray more enthusiasm.

3. "I am genuinely..." I think you should try for a more thought provoking conclusion or something more memorable.

4. Depending on the word limit, I think you can discuss one or two more interesting events that took place while you were at UCLA...perhaps a heated debate that you got into with another person from some random part of this world?

I must admit,your essay is amazing and there is just about nothing wrong with it. I feel that your voice really comes through well and its not like you attempting to adopt a tone you convinced that they would be impressed by.

Though I believe you can definitely sound more excited/passionate in your last sentences.

Is there any other academic area that interests you? Be
cause if you could mention a discussion that you had in those 12 weeks about Ken Follett's brilliance or why you think maths is helpful for any career, then you can show that,although you have your one main passionate, your academic curiosity is not restricted to that one thing (because after all they want to know if you would be able to hold a intellectual conversation with a literature major or anyone outside of your major)

Nonetheless,it is an excellent essay,with great structure.

please read my one,I really need help,so feel free to tear it apart!

Undergraduate / A Story of Rejection (NYU Supplement - What are your academic interests?) [4]

Very creative! And griping,I couldn't stop reading it!
I would suggest that you don't use any contractions though as the essay is also intended to display your academic ability, and at times some readers break into a fit when they see contractions.

I thin if it is not crucial for the reader to understand the Spanish part then just keep it in Spanish. In my country we have 11 official languages and as a writer I have learned to make use of more than 1 language at a time and I only give translations if I feel its imperative that the reader gets that bit.

And at times I'll be writing in English,but I'd slip in a Zulu or Afrikaans statement. Hell! One of my characters says, "Mas rapido" and "No disparar". So I would say its fine as translations might make it too long.

Also,don't you want to talk more about the special relationship that you have with theater? Perhaps reflect on some past event when she had been there for you just as she is also here for you when all the others reject you?

One more thing,your vocabulary is GREAT when you assert to English that she was wrong,but to convince the reader that English was REALLY wrong,then I think you might want to maintain a superior vocabulary through out the entire passage.

Ooh and (this is really the last thing) don't you want to add the theater setting as a back drop to the whole story. Perhaps by using the Jargon associated with theater,especially because this is for Tich, I am sure they will appreciate the effort and it would really be a good way to support the statements where you declare that you love theatre.

Do get a second opinion,though! I might just be wrong about everything I said,however what I am certain about is that I absolutely loved reading it and it is well written.

Í hope I could be of help, and please read my essay!

GOODLUCK FOR YOUR AUDITION!!!!

Essays / Explorative essay opinion or critics. I would really appreciate your sincere opinion [2]

Very interesting topic and you start off well,but I found a few things you might like to consider.

1. Vocabulary,I think you really ought to work on this and making the piece sound more mature.

2. "Even seeing the same brands" is it really necessary to mention this,I think you should cut it out.

3. "I thought it was being to obsessed with this" pleases carefully read this and make the required changes

4. "It takes some time..." Again vocabulary try: it requires fair patience and psychological/intellectual efficiency to decipher its meaning.

5. "An empty words" either change it or remove it.
6.As you go on about the sexual message that you missed in the ad, it begins to sound like an article and not an essay that is meant to reveal the depth of the writer's personality.

And you claim that the ad needed time and brain work to uncover some deeper message, but you never tell us what the message is?

Instead you mention how your teacher found it to be sexual...Anybody can identify that! So explain what hidden message did you find after all investing effort into this ad...if you can talk more of this "hidden message" you might be able to show how you have different veiws to everybody else and your confidence in those views.

7. "This is why they cause revolutions" try: which is the vey reason what they are endlessly on the forefront of audacious revolutions.

This is just a few things to get you started on your editing process. Do work on your vocabulary and the length. It is way too long and colleges only want long essays if they talk of some uber great experience you had when you thought you were close to death or some freaky stuff like that.

Nonetheless, I think you have a good essay coming here. Ask your English teacher to read it,once you have edited.
If you give it enough effort it could easily be one of the outstanding essays that admissions officers read.
Good start though!

Please read mine and speak your heart out when you done!

Undergraduate / 'Changing your road towards success' - Never Give Up essay [3]

I enjoyed reading your essay,though found one or two hiccups.

1. "It is inaccurate to regard temporally stop working towards.." I don't know what you were trying to say here,but I might just be reading it wrong.

2. "Just CHANGED so.." Aren't you jumping tenses,because earlier you say "in THIS day.." So perhaps that CHANGED should be change,in order to keep in with the present tense.

3. I think you need to make use of linking words to show a structured and matured development of thoughts. Eg "thus,we have the neccesities.."

By the way,I think 'necessities' should be 'necessity' (error of concord)

4. "Take myself for example" , "in this day and age" do avoid cliches,you don't want to sound like every other applicant or some random guy on the radio.

5. Again linking word Eg.: However, I later changed my strategy"
"But later I changed" swop around the 'later' and the 'I'

6. "Things magically becomes better" try became or become.

7. "In our road" should be "on" (I'm not too sure on this one)

8. You discuss the topic very well,but vaguely associate it with your life experiences. Capitalize more on this as you want to show that you are someone who has overcome a few challenges where a thin line was between giving up and not giving up. Also work on your vocabulary in a way that best articulates your true voice.

Either than the above mentioned I do think that it is a pleasant piece and with a few changes,it will be excellent

Ps: do get a second opinion,I might just as well be wrong about the things I said.

Please read my essay and give me any feedback. Thanks!

Undergraduate / "Thoreau"---Describe an intellectual experience (Harvard Supplemental Essay) [2]

Great introduction! I love how you charmingly display your knowledge of the book without slapping me in the face with it. The vocabulary is just as excellent.

It is very hard to find anything wrong with it or anything that could be better. But here's my 2cents worth:

I love that you make it clear that your interests are varied(in your last paragraph) however, I feel that with doing so you should highlight one academic interest or path that really rocks your boat.

Speaking of rocking boats, I feel that in your last paragraph you can sound a little more exciting. Though your enthusiasm is well conveyed,I believe you need to vividly express how fervent you are with regards to your academics

like I said,it difficult to find a thing that's wrong. You did an outstanding job and I think it clearly reflects who you are, while addressing the topic. Another thing I picked up is how comfortable you are with the topic,some essays sound like the topic was just a dreaded obligation,though with you I could swear that you came up with it.

I hope I could be of help!
Please read mine and be as honest as you can be. Thanks

Undergraduate / 'The smell of the fresh new built houses'; Describe your academic interests [3]

I like it. You thoroughly discuss your passion and why you so passionate about it.
However,I feel that the issue of HOW you intending on pursuing it (either than studying it) has not been addressed to the fullest. (I might just be crazy,hey) though I do think you can pay more attention to that point.

Just a few things;

"Willing to apply for" sounds like its being offered and you'll take because you can,not because you are eagerly driven to do so. I suggest sounding more "hungry" for it.

And "studying towards something YOU..." Cut the "you" and make it a "I". I think it'll be more personal in that way.

I hope I could help,though do get a second opinion,I'm not always sane,lol.

Please read my essay. Thanks!

Research Papers / How poverty alters one's perspective on The Universal Declaration of Human Rights [2]

I think you brilliantly show a superior knowledge of the prescribed material,while voicing your view and it is well structured. However, I feel that you should a bit on the vocabulary,I always feel that when there is prescribed material (Farmers work) that you are responding too,it is crucial that your own style and maturity reflects that of the book or articles that you have read as this proves that you clearly understood the message and the deeper things expressed through specific diction.

Though,i must admit that it is beautifully structured which demonstrates your ability to think coherently and decisively.

Just a few things:

"AIDS which led to...living conditions" I think you can phrase this better.

And "she serves as a voice.." Perhaps window or mirror would better articulate your message instead of "voice"

Nonetheless,I enjoyed reading it and found it too be informative!

Ps: I'm new to this,so I don't know how valuable my comments are,but I hope I was able to help you.

Please read my essay for YALE. thanks

Undergraduate / 'Moving into a new country' - CUNY HONORS ESSAY [11]

"Taught me to be always be optimistic"
I think that can be phrased differently.

It is a lovely story,great vocabulary and well written,but at the end of it I know more about your parents and very little about you. In fact the last few bits that are about you feels like you squeezed them in. So I think you should try and cover your parents struggles within the introduction and then utilize the rest of your essay to demonstrate how these challenges have impacted your life and how you have dealt with that. Within that, I think you can beautifully show the type of diversity you offer as a somebody whi has had too infiltrate themselves into American culture while going through some very hard times.

I absolutely love your story though and I believe that of you say more about yourself it will far much more personal,thus leaving a more lasting impact

I hope I get to read your revised version!

Undergraduate / "Get me some water!" - Yale supplement (own topic) [8]

Thank you!!!
I'll be reading yours within the next few seconds!
Thanx again