Writing Feedback / We need neighbors who are helpful, kind, understanding and encouragingr [9]

You can make that argument for America, which cherishes its individualism, but as for humans altogether, I don't know. I doubt the fragmentation has developed to the same extent in eastern earth.

Undergraduate / I am trying to finish a BSN in nursing [3]

Is this like a feeling out post? Post your essay and if it doesn't look like the word processor jumbled the formatting to make for an unintelligible mess -- to your lament -- you will probably receive quality feedback. Nursing is a good profession that pays decently and people don't really know about it. Plus, there's a huge shortage. Heck, I'd work as a male nurse if my job was dreary and the opportunities for advancement were slim to none (many people).

Anyway, post your rough draft and at worst, you should get a few comments telling what's wrong with your essay and how to possibly fix it. Your question was excellent, except the comma should be a semi-colon.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

You're right about setup, probably because it's a popular issue among grammarians and roughly common knowledge. My next order of business is to dress down anyone who says "he was setup" or "they colluded to setup the viceroy." Let the pedants slowly correct prevalent bad practices, one unsuspecting person at time.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

Of course writing is a display of art, and I get carried away sometimes. I've liked to compete from an early age, so it's nothing personal. It's strictly in the spirit of challenging someone and drawing a reaction out of them, since most people are too keen on avoiding tough discussion. The child in me likes action, and I honestly do not take it as personally as another person in my position. If I stir the pot and a few flecks of hot oil fly out, I don't clutch my arm like a wounded person because I understand it comes with the territory.

After all, in no uncertain terms, I am not critiquing essays purely for the sake of helping others alone.

Undergraduate / Advice on Personal Statement for Master's of Accounting program requested [8]

Hmmm, I just scanned this -- not even reading -- but it seems mighty more readable. Good job.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]


I spent the entire flight....what I was sure to be...
You're trudging too slow. I spend every thinking minute of that flight clenching my stomach, readying myself for the onslaught of dread that would accompany the ambush, meanwhile saying a prayer to God that by a miracle I get out alive.

Compare your sentence structure to mine. I stuffed three clauses and did not compromise the readability, where the sentence just snakes through in a set rhthm. On the other hand, your sentence was pretty strong too, but the extra refinement and word choice (diction) is noticeably absent. The next few sentences aren't actually too bad. Why did you have to say "On that day...?" It really puts a bad taste in the mouth, reading it, seeing phrases that are usually associated with triumph and tremendous perseverance being tossed around with respect to a non incident that was, from all appearances, puffed out at an unnatural proportion in your mind. You continue on to start with the false sincere, and confused rambling about black and white like you took the wrong side street but don't understand.

Student Talk / SAT Site, a website for getting exams and books for free? [14]

You're not going to get free textbooks anywhere, and if you do, let me know where you got them from. The best bet is your library; I'm sure they have reference materials covering all the biology you can handle.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

Okay, here's why your essay sucks.

First off, the beginning is way too dramatic for what you're about to explain. Your second sentence is a poor lead in. You don't say 20 of my friends or 30 of...; it's improper style for this kind of essay. Now you start talking about your travel gear and stuff, taking up a lot of space on something that is really unimportant.

RIGHT HERE, you have a crappy transition because you want to build up to the actual description of the flight. You just concisely told the story in one line and gave it away without ANY tension. Of course, as the other guy mentioned, it's not terrifying for a 13 year old by common reason to sit on a flight with a stranger. I had to sit on a flight with a stranger at age 9, totally alone (not the least bit scared), so what does that tell you?

Now, the next few sentences really are crucial in explaining how you missed the essay. Your friends walked past, and now there's no way out, you're TRULY alone and by yourself.

So, in your mind you're already presupposing that your reader has the same life experiences that you do; moreover, you're falsely assuming that the reader already has the same emotions and feelings in the back of their mind when they're thinking of the situation in the plane, which is just a huge crack in the essay. You're probably thinking of the immediate situation on the plane and all the thoughts you were having at that very moment, but you missed the background that can help to convey to your reader exactly what is special about this plane ride and the events' soon to transpire; you're not helping your reader imagine how to feel in those circumstances; you're failing at the setup and barging forward, which just takes the rest of your essay off kilter. That is another issue in itself and there are more problems to point out, but this one already derailed your essay.

You're predisposed to thinking a certain way about being alone, based heavily on the circumstances to follow, which is distorting the way you rehash what exactly happened.


This is about as far a trained reader has to look at to discard the essay. In fact, it was as far as I got without totally discounting the essay. As I was reading it, I liked the description of how the man appeared and took his seat, but I read the rest and knew the rest (of the essay) was not going to be a pleasure reading.

He shielded you from what you thought was a life-threatening situation?!?!?? You said nothing whatsoever about an imminent danger and it becomes apparent to the reader that you are hiding some underlying feelings, and the reader thinks they've been setup, and the author has done a terrible job of misleading them into an innocuous situation where there was important background left out. That, precisely, is where you screwed up.

You ought to practice this kind of thing, and eventually you'll learn how to make words flow together logically and coordinate in concerted fashion to focus in on one main topic. As is, you can't do it.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

Don't worry, I love you too.

You should take it as a compliment that I chose YOUR paper to comment on. That usually means it is readable, which is no small matter on this site. Of course, it doesn't excuse the fact that the actual thought behind the words is somehow lacking, majorly. I mean, you can speak English, but you cannot make a persuasive argument, and that is an important distinction to keep in mind.

The bridge between communicating at a high level and just being able to communicate coherently is a very long and narrow one.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

Basically, you took a plane ride with an Indian man, thinking he was a terrorist, and this caused you trepidation? Then the last paragraph is just banal filler content? Seems like a shallow essay, especially when you start pontificating about how "...many people do not understand today..."

In other words, you are the one who seems wet behind the ears, spilling tired, unimpressive rhetoric.

Undergraduate / Advice on Personal Statement for Master's of Accounting program requested [8]

As long as you know the nature of accounting and audit and you do not want to become a CPA on some misfated whim, I see no reason not to rip into your statement.

One day I wil get this down, but for this particular post, we'll broadly summarize the problems in two categories. That is, we need to get the errors out of the way before looking at the actual content.


Please review the correct use of "like" and "as." As is the correct word here, since it is joining the clauses.


Respect the concept of parallelism. I will... or ***I will***


Something sounds off here.


You need a comma here, so that you have two independent clauses joined by a coordinating conjunction, as opposed to the archetypal run on sentence.

You really abused the passive voice without mercy. Count how many times you used "was.."
Avoid all contractions. Your essay is littered with more grammar errors than what it is acceptable, by most forgiving standards. More importantly, the reader can sense when the passive is being used, because it sounds like the author is ducking behind bland testimony of some sort. In short, take some initiative, both by fixing the errors and briefly acquainting yourself with the difference between the passive and active voice. Strive to reword the sentences that adopt a passive tone. Repost, or wait for some additional feedback.

Undergraduate / Advice on Personal Statement for Master's of Accounting program requested [8]

You need to take a few intermediate level classes in accounting, before you make the decision to pursue a degree in accounting. It's a really technical field, whereas economics is a very abstract field. A solid understanding and tolerance of accounting is necessary here. It is more than financial statements, and often it is unbearably tedious.

Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]

Globalization, by definition, makes the first sentence a definition (commodity trading is the only new information presented). Don't start a sentence "As I've experienced,", and demonstrate the potential disaster associated therewith. Please try to ensure that each subsequent sentence is somehow related to the subject or predicate (directly prior).

Here's an example of how you might want to fix your sentence structure:

Globalization is changing the nature of inter-party transactions in a multitude of ways, but its effect has been especially pronounced in commodity trading.

Actually, sorry to be blunt, but I cannot make sense of the text in any proper fashion, in relation to whatever your intent is.

Hmmm, reading the latest post, it appears a tad more workable, but it's still so liable to cause the reader (me, in this case) to misunderstand that I think you need to practice exercises on narrowing the scope of what you want to write about. This is not an English problem, but rather one of missing/misconfigured connections between sentences and ideas. When your reader must do his/her job 3-5 times to sufficiently comprehend some theme, you have failed him/her.

Undergraduate / "the joys of being an architect" - My Essay for Columbia University [6]

Kevin, I think you took the prose a bit too literally. If in fact this person believes that inanimate objects possess intrinsic value, then surely it is with good faith I give him/her the benefit of the doubt in these kinds of situations. I think you should consider doing the same. You may feel strongly about this, but is it really a good idea to raise the issue about the concepts espoused within an essay? That is to wander into a long dark tunnel.

Student Talk / SAT Site, a website for getting exams and books for free? [14]

As Jonathan posted, this is a good site for preparation on the SAT exam.

As for standardized tests in general, there are credible practice questions but few free official exams available to study. In that respect, each test is administered in its own way, which an examinee should try to become familiar with; once you fully understand the scoring methodology, everything else involves information that is common to a subject or domain, and researching the material becomes easier and cheaper.

Undergraduate / "the joys of being an architect" - My Essay for Columbia University [6]

I'm afraid the third paragraph is a bit convoluted, and I would drop the quote, and I would also question if the writing style is appropriate for the situation.

Remember, do not use words you do not understand, and do not copy something you read, and just try to express yourself -- that is, you.

Grammar, Usage / Rephrase text about research paper (sentences) [9]

What age should deem a child competent -- per se -- to testify in court?

Essays / Good Books for Personal Essay Writing? [5]

You are surely going about this the wrong way. A book cannot bestow you with a large vocabulary in the way you are insinuating. However, if format is of any importance, you can study essay structure, including transitions and leading sentences.

Graduate / Perseverance, survival and cross-cultural sharing + Girl rescure - MBA Admissions [8]

You are asking for it, so do not take sleight.

You cannot learn perseverance, or survival for that matter (if you figure out immortality, please share). What is cross-cultural sharing?

"As leader of a team of three engineers, I had to keep the team motivated and safe, despite the constant threat of land mines, kidnapping and winter snowstorms."

A few revisions/comments worth considering:

You should refer to it as my team. You misused the word despite. You incorrectly referred to kidnapping, because it is in verb form, else it would be kidnappings; kidnappings is a peculiar noun, and ambiguous, so it won't work either. How does kidnapping apply? Was your physical strength tested or was your energy tested? What would cause a person to struggle with his/her 'emotional sanity?'

I didn't get around to the second paragraph, but the first one is sheer garbage.

Obviously you need to provide a lot more background regarding the situation in Afghanistan. Do not presume that the reader knows your thoughts.

Essays / How Do i write an academic essay (I write like a journalist..) [4]

How does one write an academic essay? First, understand what is required for an academic essay. Second, evaluate whether you can meet those requirements. If you can, then write the academic essay. If you cannot, then work on developing the requisite skills and write the academic essay after you are able to.

Essays / "Being beautiful is more important than being intelligent" [6]

You cannot address the assertion that "being beautiful is more important than being intelligent."

1. Beautiful is a subjective word.
2. Important is a subjective word.
3. Intelligent is a subjective word.

Even if you whittle away at some kind of definition for 1. and 3., you can make no progress whatsoever on 2. :)

Essays / The long term impact of our current recession on the average family? - Writing Question [6]

Technically, we are no longer in a recession. Therefore, there is no such thing, and it is illogical to write about.

Undergraduate / "I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University [19]

The opening is misleading because it suggests you will narrate an event, when you are actually just reflecting generally. The two rhetorical questions serve no purpose. The metaphor about carving the words into your brain is not only sketchy (pun intended), but it is also increasingly redundant. "I never felt..." should be revised (perhaps to I never felt as I was good enough). Now you run into some problems with sentence structure. It is poor practice to begin a sentence in such fashion, where the introductory clause serves no special purpose and is not causally related to the point you are trying to make. While we are on that, "always constantly" is a surefire mistake, and the essay is disintegrating rapidly with your repeated use of cliches that are vapid and unvaried .

This paper needs serious work, since there are dozens of errors.

Research Papers / Project on sex trafficking - starting the first Line of an essay [6]

I think a direct approach is best for less advanced writers. Consider the upside to a spectacular opening sentence; the author captures the audience's attention, and the next eight pages must pass that high standard. On the other hand, sacrificing style for a lucid first paragraph will at least ensure some stability. Often times, it is hard to write the first sentence due to a lack of purpose about what the author wants to convey and -- more importantly -- why the person wants to convey it. If the author is not an especially strong writer, the tone of the paper can vacillate and sound overburdened, causing the reader to reject the message in his/her heart.

Writing Feedback / Required attendance in college or university classes. [6]

I just glanced at the topic sentences, and I think they are really weak. You can blend those points easily and have a well thought out opinion. You should not create artificial points that are not absolutely required; it undermined your credibility

Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]

What kind of gibberish?

Cut to the chase and remove all the vague filler content.

Writing Feedback / Income gap is necessary to sustain a society to run dynamically; sports professionals earn big money [4]

Terrible. No analysis of the prompt.

Dissertations / PHD TOPIC IN HR, suggest some topics that are of great importance [5]

Just research about some dynamic between the organization and the employee, regarding the mutually beneficial relationship and what drives its continuance.

Research Papers / Project on sex trafficking - starting the first Line of an essay [6]

It should not matter what the first sentence is. If you feel there is so much hanging on it, you need to work on the paper in general.

Undergraduate / "be more responsible and understanding" - UW Personal Statement [5]

I'm bored/fatigued, so I'll just waste time by criticizing your essay. Let's do this up to the point your essay becomes intolerable to read, boring me more. First I'll note grammar errors, and then I'll comment about problems with content.

Grammar/punctuation errors:
"I used to have to", "my dad was in and out of work in construction according to job availability", "semi-stable", "I remember crying after my parents said we had to move, even though, at the time, I didn't realize how much worse it could and most likely would get.", "We moved into my grandmother's house, and shared what little space she could offer"., "I never had any time for myself - it was all spent being around everyone else."

Why is your first sentence so terribly bland and unimaginative? It's so vague and unjustifiably atrocious, considering that you never follow up on it. A lot of people have miserable lives, so it's common to wonder; in fact, it's so common that in comparison your floundering first sentence is just frustrating.

Dissertations / PhD Topic Help on Database Management Systems [5]

Well, you're asking for help regarding a PhD topic in the highly specialized area of database management. I'm quite sure a lot of people don't even know what a data warehouse is. It's a really technical area that's hard to give advice on, without being rich in the higher level understanding required to cogitate about intriguing problems.

Research Papers / Help thinking of several points for my Death Penalty Research paper! [5]

Don't be callow. Step back and recognize the inanity and satire of your making.

Poetry / T. S. Eliot's The Waste Land--Sex and love [7]


Alright, I'll leave a few comments the hack and saw way. Italicize the title of the book. Pay attention to diction -- "relates to his audience" -- because obviously it's his audience, but "the audience" makes more sense, if only because it does not preclude you as a member. The first few lines suffer the classic symptoms of stress and filler; instead of amazing your reader with all the needless words, you've prefaced a sham essay that's probably very dull.

Essays / Structure of a Personal Narrative Essay (gender and culture influence) [5]

Use one personal narrative, uninterrupted by breaks. Incorporate different events through casual transitions.

Writing Feedback / Motherhood in Mother Courage (needs grammatical editing or any other critique) [5]

Your first sentence is ambiguous. The second sentence is not much more specific. Another thing, always limit the scope of your writing, because your first few sentences could be flatly disproved with the aid of a few grim exceptions. Do not use informal words such as "till." Also, do not flail helplessly and insert hackneyed phrases such as "unconditional love", and do not botch phrases by really reaching hard, for anything, as evident with the phrase "perpetually unique notion." Scanning the next few lines, I don't see hope for this paper.

Writing Feedback / Addressing the one or two problems of not utilizing your Course Textbooks [3]

Well, I'm not going to read this attentively, but you make some conceptual errors that are not allowed in formal prose. Do not offer suggestions about what students may be thinking and act to include your audience like a blog might. Either assert something about students nowadays (easy to do with words such as "perhaps", "likely", etc.), or do not speculate. Take command of your writing.

Undergraduate / Trying to get accepted into an ACT Academy [12]

Well, you're articulate for 15. However, posting your accomplishments (here) is a sign to me that you're lacking in confidence/needing assurance. Try addressing the person/people who will be reading your entry in a straightforward manner. Then, post your draft and receive feedback.

Writing Feedback / Descriptive narrative on a person (a woman who is in an abusive relationship) [3]

You should reconsider the wisdom of writing about an abusive relationship; is it the right setting to write about violence?

Poetry / My Five Senses Poem about Compassion: Any ideas/suggestions? :/ [4]

The thing here is that you can't taste compassion. But you can easily construct metaphors. For example, "compassion tastes like honey." "It smells like morning dew." Just make something up.