Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]


That's kind of like asking me to explain outer space.

However, here are a couple of general pointers:

1. Watch American television. I don't care whether it's simple cartoons or sophisticated news programs. TV shows people speaking English and using words in their proper context.

2. Listen to American talk radio (not music). On radio, the speaker doesn't have the ability to show the listener what he means. He is forced to use words to paint a picture.

3. Read quality English writing. Not every newspaper article or editorial is free of errors in grammar or usage, but you'll learn a lot of words fast. Plus, you'll see how smart people arrange the parts of their sentences.

4. Practice writing. Note that I didn't just say, "write more." That doesn't help. Find a sequential writing curriculum and follow it.

5. Get quality feedback on your writing. The right teacher knows what matters and what doesn't (and he or she plans his curriculum accordingly).

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]

gmad:

I have an assignment for you. It'll take between 20 and 40 minutes. Let me know if you'd like to try it.

Perhaps we could communicate via email as I don't wish to hog up this entire forum. (Of course, if you'd prefer and if no one minds, we can just correspond here.)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


I doubt that you "misunderstood" anything (or at least not "most of the things") that you have studied.

Your confusion is understandable---most students have been taught so much conflicting information that they don't know what the hell to do.

Regardless, I'm glad to help in any way I can.

I apologize for having caused "mixed emotions" on your part. Still, I've been around long enough to know how this game works.

As for using examples, of course you should use examples where appropriate and IF they don't take up too much space. However, one of the top essay killers is the failure on the part of the writer to explain the relevance of the examples. (If the reader sees your examples and wonders, "So what?," then you have a problem.)

Perhaps part of the problem (and this goes for my SAT, GRE, and AP students, too) is the overuse and/or misuse of the term "example." A better way to think of "examples" is to view them as FACTS or points of EVIDENCE.

You need to remember that, above all else, IELTS is a test of your writing fluency. It is not a history or literature test.

Writing Feedback / Grade this GRE issue essay task out of 6.. feel free to point out any mistake [6]

This can be true.

However, if I don't know my multiplication tables, should I be teaching arithmetic (let alone real math)?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]

1. I'm sure he (like every teacher) had some valuable tips. However, you need to beware of any "one-size-fits-all" suggestion. If any of them worked, everyone would be using them. The fact that most people (even native speakers of English) do poorly on standardized writing tests tells you all you need to know.

2. As I said, there's no ONE way to organize ANY essay. What is universally true is this:

a) You must answer the question thoroughly as it is asked.*
b) You must say something unique.
c) You must NOT tell your reader what he already knows.

An essay is scored according to the following criteria (pretty much in this order):

---ORGANIZATION* (I'm NOT necessarily referring to how your paragraphs are arranged. See "a" above.)
---VOCABULARY (which does NOT mean the use of "big" words)
---SYNTAX, including GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, and USAGE.

If you insist on a template to use for each paragraph, here's one:

INTRODUCTION: State your opinion on the issue. If you'd like, you might acknowledge other viewpoints here (as someone else mentioned above).

Some regard musical training as a luxury or even a mere hobby. However, its benefits are vast and numerous.

You can write a little more if you'd like. However, I've sat in many reading rooms and you can trust me that on a timed test, the reader expects a very short intro. Often, it just gets skimmed.

Each BODY PARAGRAPH would discuss one of these benefits. Support with facts if you can, but don't overdo it. They're looking to read YOUR work...not an encyclopedia (whatever that is).

Lots of people have been "taught" that a CONCLUSION "repeats the ideas from the introduction." Wrong. Nothing should repeat. Instead, your conclusion needs to do what it says: it draws conclusions about the subject of your essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


I'm giving you a "tip" as to the difference between a winning essay and a losing essay.

Your essay needs to be controlled by insights rather than facts.

This particular essay should focus on exactly the three things you mention above.


There is no "quick and convenient" way to learn how to write an upper-half paper.

Your teacher is wrong about how to write introductions. On a timed essay, you can't afford to repeat a single thing. You simply do not have the minutes to spare.

Read any essay written by any published professional writer. If you can find even one that includes in its introduction a "list of points" that are later repeated, I will send ten dollars (US) to the address of your choice as long as the postage itself doesn't exceed ten dollars. (Blogs and social media posts don't count---I'm talking about The New York Times, etc.)

Please, please, please...if you believe nothing else I say, believe what I wrote above.

Undergraduate / I say with conviction that my neighborhood has helped me grow;COMMUNITY/App [4]

I owe someone an apology. I didn't realize that this and the IELTS paper were by different writers.

I'm glad to help the IELTS kid; sorry again if I came off as rude.

Undergraduate / I say with conviction that my neighborhood has helped me grow;COMMUNITY/App [4]

This is much stronger than the IELTS paper I just read.

Aside from some minor usage issues, the main problem I see is that the counselor paragraph doesn't really deal with your neighborhood. It's about the counselor.

Furthermore, I'm not sure the reader's going to buy your premise that an office is your neighborhood.

Writing Feedback / A person's worth nowadays seems to be judged according to social status [5]


Unless your name is Henry David Thoreau, you are not allowed to write sentences this long. It looks to be at least fifty words.


You've used the word "status" three times in one sentence!

The essay is an IELTS five.

Write an outline of the essay you've posted above. If you find it hard to do, then you'll be able to see what I consider to be the biggest problem here.

Writing Feedback / Grade this GRE issue essay task out of 6.. feel free to point out any mistake [6]

I'm not a moderator, so I'll reserve comment.

As for THIS paper, it's a three.

If you'd like more input, let me know.

Scholarship / 'James and in-depth version of my story' - about how someone has impacted your life. [18]

List ten feelings that YOU associate with the word "time." I mean words...not phrases.

List ten different priorities you developed as a result of your friendship with James (again, exactly one word each).

Before you met James, how did you feel about the future? Give me five WORDS.

Give me five words describing how you felt about the future AFTER your conversation with James.

I need exactly thirtydifferentwords here.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:learning to play a music instrument is a waste of time [10]


What does one learn from playing music?

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]

Millions and millions of students do! It's a matter of practicing correctly.

Lots of people here (myself included) are willing to help.

Did my comments make sense? If not, I can try to clarify them.

Book Reports / Theme in Alice in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass [2]

I'm not sure what to make of this.

1. What's the assignment in your teacher's words?

2. What's the length requirement?

3. In what specific areas would you like help?

Writing Feedback / I'll move; my city is not capable to provide job vacancies for young specialists [7]

The biggest problem with this essay is its vocabulary. (I've cited some examples below.)

Really, the whole essay should explain the "better living conditions" to which you refer at some point.


This sentence isn't about you.


What does this mean?


What kinds of knowledge? Why does it matter?


What does this mean?


Explain this.


These paragraphs are about me. They need to be about you.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

What's the word count requirement (and how many words do you have now)?

Graduate / My work with obese patients opened my eyes ; PA/MPH program [5]

Aside from a couple relatively minor usage issues, I don't see any problem with this.

Am I to infer from your "more to the point" comment that you need to make this shorter?

Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

This is...interesting.

It's very readable and somewhat engaging, but I'm not sure you've answered the following questions:

How do you think you, dogsrule216, could enrich [their] diverse and inclusive community? (Look up the word "enrich" even if you know what it means.)

What are your hopes for your college experience? (There's a lot more to it than taking classes. Look up the word "experience" and read every part of its definition.)

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Should student study the same National Curriculum ? [4]

Don't make a list of points in your introduction. High school teachers (and teachers of all kinds) are wrong to tell kids to do this. Real writers don't do this, and on the GRE it amounts to nothing more than a waste of precious time.

However, YES to the rest of what you propose.

Writing Feedback / Being afraid of changing can make people conservative and less interesting than others. [6]


It's too short and too vague.

---What are the problems?
---Why do they matter?

---What are your solutions to the exact problems you cite?
---What will your solutions accomplish?

Grammar and punctuation donotmatter unless you answer the essay question.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Should student study the same National Curriculum ? [4]

This is a three (out of six).

Although fairly well-written, this essay doesn't really explore the issue as much as it gives a bunch of facts.

For starters, look at the first sentence of each body paragraph. Each needs to be an assertion that you prove throughout the remainder of the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Mind is very vulnerable and fragile; Death and the Maiden / Visual Essay [4]


What has any of this to do with Death and the Maiden?


You have too little content throughout the paper. See below.


Let's look at these one at a time:

Paragraph Two:


You need the factual info in the first sentence but not throughout the pargraph. (Check out the stuff in red.) Your job is to analyze, not to tell us what we already see. Comment on how the image affects the viewer.

Paragraph Six:


Same problem here.

Paragraph Seven:


Assuming that it's your conclusion, this paragraph is long enough, but it is full of stuff you've already said. The stuff in red is what you've repeated.

Actually, this paper is not nearly as long as you might think it is because of its repetitive nature. You must say something new in every sentence.

These are the problems you need to solve before dealing with grammar, punctuation, etc.

Scholarship / Describe Personal/Engineering Interests and Career Goals [5]


Well, you say that your "primary interests are related to the applications of power electronics in power systems." Why does power electronics interest you more than, say, basketball does? You might discuss one or two specific applications and why you find them worthy of your time and study.

If you read your first paragraph aloud, wait 30 seconds, and then read the second one, you'll see just how much less personal the second one is.


This structure is fine but as I said the essay has to be about YOU.

With regard to your last paragraph, how will you (NOT engineers in general) change the world through your work? How will you change the lives of real people?

Scholarship / Describe Personal/Engineering Interests and Career Goals [5]

The essay starts off well---I learn something about YOU---and then degenerates into little more than jargon.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; We are getting more and more greedy & selfish; Should we go back to the past? [6]

Put away the thesaurus!

Use the English you know and we'll go from there.

Dissertations / Need to decide topic of dissertation Mtech Computer Science [11]

Most essays of all kinds either succeed or fail for the same reasons.

Writing Feedback / Same laws should be applied to Tobacco as they are applied to Heroin [3]


I hope that's not the way the question is phrased because it's grammatically incorrect!

Anyway...

Do the following:

1. YES or NO. The same laws ought to be applied or not.

2. Discuss ONE reason why.

3. Discuss a SECOND reason why.

4. Discuss a THIRD reason why.

This is a lower-half paper because it's so repetitive.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]


Great question.

Luckily, extracurriculars are overrated. Admissions officers know that not everyone has time to give away.

The way to distinguish yourself is to tell how you are different from EVERYONE ELSE in this universe.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]

You're supposed to tell why you belong at the school, so don't worry about "bragging."

Look up the phrase "comma splice."

Normally, usage isn't the most important factor in an admissions essay but mechanical errors kill this thing.

Also, you might be overdoing the TV experience. I don't see a direct connection between your past and your future.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]


I didn't take it that way.


You're very welcome.

I need to grab some breakfast. If you have questions, I'll gladly answer them in about half an hour.

Writing Feedback / Now a days technologies have became a very important aspect of everybodys lives! [4]

You could have said all of this in about 300 words (probably fewer).

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

I've been teaching expository writing for nearly thirty years.

Almost all writing "advice" is wrong.

As I said, what you have here isn't bad. However, you need to make your reader take notice for all the right reasons.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Better.

Now turn this into three complete sentences, each about a separate and distinct idea.

Overall this essay is very average. It's fair.

Let's make it into an upper-half paper.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Change #3 to something else. It doesn't mean anything. (You can "make a difference in someone's life" working at McDonald's.)

Also change #1, as "working closely with others" can happen in almost any profession.

Your big reasons need to be a little more specific.

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Without rereading your work, list three big things that make you want to become a PT.

Writing Feedback / The eating habits and lifestyle change of the new generation. [2]

This is a 7 (assuming that 9 is still the max on this test).

There are a couple relatively minor grammar and usage issues, but the main problem is that you don't really take a stand on the issue.

You discuss the issue, but you don't really evaluate it. There's a big difference.

If the quality of writing were all that mattered here, this would be an 8.

Writing Feedback / Let's protect our Earth; Effects of Global Warming [4]


1. "Serious and dangerous" are already implied if not directly stated.

2. The word "this" doesn't mean anything, and we know it's an "issue."

Protecting our earth requires everbody's concern.

Writing Feedback / I always dreamed of being a doctor [5]


My dream to become a doctor was nurtured by watching my grandfather suffer from cancer.

OR

My desire to become a doctor was nurtured by watching my grandfather suffer from cancer.

Sorry---couldn't resist.

An effective writer doesn't waste words. Remove the filler and add NEW ideas.

Also, the verb "nurtured" doesn't have the proper connotations for this context.

Writing Feedback / Who Am I?The most basic question, but I'm never able to answer! [6]

Glad to hear it.

Keep in mind that there are other issues to which you must attend, but content is always most important.

Writing Feedback / Who Am I?The most basic question, but I'm never able to answer! [6]

This paper has its moments (including some clever and witty ones) but it soon deteriorates into a list of "I am..." sentences.

What traits do YOU have that no one else does?

That's the hard part.

Pick three experiences unique to you and tell me how those experiences shaped you.