Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: GOVERNMENTS SHOULD BAN CIGARETTES AND OTHER TOBACCO PRODUCTS [5]

I've crossed out all the stuff that the reader already knows as well as the ideas you express more than once.

These days, the amount of ailments and death relate to smoking cigarettes or using other tobacco products have considered a serious problems. Thus, this raise certain concern as to whether the tobacco products are necessary to be prohibited to produce.Although, there are valid reasons to justify the contrary, it is my personal belief thatcigarettes and other tobacco products should be banned for the sake of society . Analyzing both the consequents of tobacco products to individuals' health as well as social problems are as follow.

First of all, tobacco products has a negative impact on the field of health. This could be exemplified by a range of ailments namely lung cancer, high blood pressure and heart disease. Therefore, if the government prohibit this products , in long - term results, many people probably prevent from a variety of serious detriment in latter time. Thus, this make it clear that the authority are necessary to enforce the law about prohibiting tobacco for the healthy society in the future.

However, perhaps the strongest argument in favor of banning cigarettes and other tobacco products is that of behavioral society. This could be proven by the fact that people who addicted in smoking are likely to become drug abusers or even criminal. Hence, having forbid this detrimental products , the society are possible to prevent numerous societal habits and many social problems. From this it becomes quite evident thatbanning tobacco products is required for the development of cultural community.

By the way of conclusion, many ailments and death can be possible to decrease simply by banning tobacco. Thus, it is clear why the idea of forbidding cigarettes and other tobacco products can be supported for the positive impact on our community.After analyzing this subject, it is predicted that prohibiting tobacco will certainly be stronger than allowing those harmful products.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Please give me the exact question you need to answer. Don't use your own words. Use the exact words given in the question.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

This won't take too long.

What you've written doesn't require tons of revision, but there IS something missing.

Tell me why journalism interests you. Don't use fancy language, and don't write for an essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Movies should present positive values. Y or N ? [7]

Define the following words WITHOUT using a dictionary:

considerable
negative
wonderful
delighted

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze Issue;Best way to teach- praise positive actions and ignore negative ones [7]


---I can understand why you wouldn't want to share your email.

---I'm on Pacific time (United States).

---There doesn't appear to be a PM function here. If I start my own site, there will be a way to communicate privately.

Summer vacation? Just how important is this test? I'm volunteering to spend an hour of my own spare time helping you.

Anyway, if your essay was as clear as the message I've quoted above, you'd be in much better shape.

You seem like the kind of person who changes his writing style based on the setting. Without going into an essay of my own, I'd suggest writing in your OWN voice. Your informal writing appears to be clearer and more effective than your formal writing style.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Then tell me. Do it right here. Don't worry about spelling and grammar.

Tell me how you would describe a perfect place to learn.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Chemical engineering in smart polymer's field [10]


No!

Please do NOT rewrite it yet.

Just post the instructions.

If you'd like to write and post an outline first, that's fine.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Good. Now, before we go any farther, tell me how long the essay needs to be.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]


No problem. You did great. I have about an hour before an appointment with another student, but let me look at everything you have here.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]

Ah.

Are you preparing for a test? If so, which one?

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

No, I don't have time for other essays right now. I meant let me look at everything you've posted that pertains to this essay.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]

Tell me what you'd like added or removed.

Ironically, I have only recently discovered that my inquisitiveness-along with my desire to teach, learn, and debate-constitute the basis of my academic core. The study of journalism will best enable me to pursue and cultivate these interests and passions. The University of Southern California in particular will provide for me the opportunity to explore and to learn about mass media from role models with broad journalistic experience. Additionally, USC's location in the heart of Los Angeles (arguably the media capital of the world) can only enhance my ability to work with a diverse mixture of successful entertainment professionals. I look forward to studying the nuances of communication and its profound effect on the human condition. I look forward to this adventure, and USC is the perfect place for me to maximize my potential not only with regard to journalism but across a wide range of academic disciplines.

There may be a typo or two. I'll reread it later today.

Essays / What do you imagine an ideal learning place ? [10]


Give me about 100 words in response to EACH of the following:

1. Tell me why a simpler approach to education is more beneficial than that of today's high-tech classroom.

2. Why is self-motivation important?

3. Define "appropriate" discipline and tell me how it affects learning.

Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

I'm not yet convinced.


I know what you mean, but they sound like excuses.

I promise I will spend more time with this in a few hours. Gotta run right now.

Don't sweat---it'll turn out fine.


This idea needs to be discussed in your essay.

Undergraduate / USC short answer. Share your input and opinions. [12]


If you'd like to include it, go ahead. Be sure to send the whole thing to me again for final proofreading.


What I've done is rephrased and clarified YOUR ideas. If you'd like to redo it, here's how:

---Read silently what I've posted.
---Wait five minutes.
---Reread it aloud.
---Wait fifteen to thirty minutes.
---Rewrite it.

NO PEEKING

Send it to me at johnjeremy215 at gmail dot com.


If high school students were actually taught how to write, you and most others wouldn't be here.


Damn. I didn't know that. You should probably add a sentence or two about broadcast journalism.


Of course you can ask me. Thanks for the compliment, but I've been doing this a long time---I'm supposed to be "awesome."

Undergraduate / "I have a clear path and goal set"; Transfer appeal- Are you convinced? [13]

Sorry about the delay.

When's this due?


You might focus your essay on the ways in which YOU could have prevented this from happening. More important, tell why you allowed it to happen and HOW you intend to change.

However, if the SOLE reasons for your rejection relate specifically to the reasons above---and IF you think that explaining these circumstances will help you---then stick to what you have.

If this is the case, I will proofread what you've posted above. However, I'm not sure they want to hear about how THEY fumbled the football.

Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]

Is this for a test? If so, which one?

What's the essay question---not in your words but EXACTLY as it was originally phrased?

Writing Feedback / IELTS: should government support creative artists? [3]

You need to pick two or three of these and write an entire paragraph about each:

They're strong ideas but you haven't developed them at all.

In fact, you've gone into more detail about what "some people believe" in your second paragraph.

Writing Feedback / People do many different things to stay healthy. 'not skip our breakfast' [6]

This essay (along with the well-intended comments that accompany it) is a mess.

Reread the prompt. Unless I'm misreading it, you're being asked what YOU do to maintain good health.

If that is the actual prompt, then every single sentence of this essay needs to be about you...

---not "we"
---not "many of us"
---not "it"
---not "people"

...only YOU.

Although your grammar and mechanics need some work, the absolute most important concern is answering the question as asked.

Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]


Okay...I'm going to ask a few questions:

1. Is the statement above true or false?

2. Give me ONE reason why.

3. Give me a SECOND reason why.

4. Give me a THIRD reason why.

Limit each answer to exactly one sentence.

Writing Feedback / understand the most important characteristics of a society = study of major cities [6]


I didn't ask for a "concession point."

What you've given me is a good start, but it's far too wordy.

Give me three DIFFERENT reasons why we need to study major cities.

This time, write only in sentence fragments. I want no more than ten words for each.

I'm having you do this because the first draft of your essay lacks coherence.

If you are unable to do this, let me know.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Shopping as a replacement of hobbies and other leisure activities. [7]


Listing points in an introduction is never a strategy that will separate your paper for the right reasons.

At least 75% of writers do this. Coincidentally (or not), at least 75% of test takers won't get a top-ten-percent score.

I've posted this elsewhere: If you can find me a single essay from a credible source (ie, NY Times, etc.) that lists in its introduction the "points to be covered," I will send you ten US dollars.

Graduate / I started as Document Control Assistant ; Master of Accountancy [5]

Despite a couple minor usage errors and a handful of cliches (" different direction, "better late than never," etc.), the writing here is fairly strong.

However, I don't know whether you're addressing the prompt because you haven't identified it.

The most important job is to answer the question.

Letters / Request for help in the preparation of recommendation letters. [10]

Unless I've miscounted, you've written fifteen sentences. About ten of them begin with the word "he."

Book Reports / MY THESIS FOR THE STORY "CASK OF AMONTILLADO" - good? [4]

Given the choice of only these two, the first is stronger.

However, there's no way for me to be sure until I know the actual essay question.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; GRADES ARE A GOOD INDICATOR FOR ASSESSING STUDENTS [4]


Well now wasn't that helpful (and more than a bit ironic).

Rozha, you need to learn about the following:

subject-verb agreement
pronoun-antecedent agreement

Those are the two most pressing grammatical problems I see here.

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]

There are several issues that need attention, but let's start by making this into your own essay by removing the cliches:

come out of my shell
speaking out
big deal
didn't bother
comfort zone
finally sunk in
Looking back
things happen for a reason

No doubt, there are others.

You didn't invent these phrases, so they don't belong in your essay.

Undergraduate / "Tuftsadmissions retweeted your tweet..."; **WHY TUFTS?** [9]


It's not my intention to be "mean," but the answer is no---just no.

You're being too cute. Answer the question.

Undergraduate / My Mom Isn't a Superhero - transition from childhood to adulthood [27]

This one's not perfect but it has the makings of something pretty damn good.

Where's the other one?

Writing Feedback / avoid routine; Dormitory rooms at your university must be shared by two students [2]

One of the most important things for students in their student lives is their roommates. It is important because students have influence on each other and can learn or imitate each other's habits, behaviors, or even social manners. Some people are sensitive about their roommates and they themselves should find their roommates, on the other hand, some people, including me, are not concerned about their roommates and can live with everyone.(<--Almost all of this stuff should either be moved to the body of your essay or deleted altogether.) With having the choice between choosing my own roommate and delegating it to university, I prefer to have it done by university. I believe that, in this condition, I will meet new people and also gain new experiences.

Main reason that I prefer to delegate the decision of choosing the roommate to university is meeting new people. If university distributes students in dorm rooms, a lot of students with different races and cultures will be roommate together and can get familiar with a variety of the cultures. As an instance, one of my friends studying in Sweden tells me about lots of cultural information which he has learned from his roommates who are from different nationalities such as Chinese, Russian, and Arabic. Therefore, I like to live with exotic person chosen for me by university as the roommate .

Another reason of supporting the selection of roommate by university is to prepare ourselves for entering society. Finishing university and entering society, I have to deal with people who might have each kind of personalities and behaviors. If I had an experience of living with different persons , I would easily understand everyone in my social life. In order to explain my experience in dormitory, when I were living with my roommates I found out that sometimes I should not persist on my attitude even if it be true because maybe others dislike and can't tolerate. This point helped me a lot in my real life and resulted in finding great opportunities for jobs.

In my opinion , delegating the task of choosing roommate to university is the best one. Because we meet new people, cultures, and we can gain experiences for adult lives. Dorm life is the best time for each student to experience new things and avoid routine days.

Writing Feedback / Parents vs classmates child's education; child copy each other's habits [4]


This isn't a specific reason why classmates are more influential than parents. Rather, this should be the main idea of the entire essay.

You need to devote separate paragraphs to different effects.

For example, you might write an entire paragraph about this...


and this...


and this...

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

You're supposed to agree or disagree. I don't see a third option in the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

Hi to you too!

I saw what you did. What you did violates the rules of the prompt.

Agreeing to both statements is not an option. The question asks you to agree or disagree.

To use a rather lame analogy, I don't care how fast you can run 50 yards if I'm asking you to run a mile.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]

Here's the statement.


Then here's the question they want you to answer:


---They don't give you the option to agree AND disagree.
---They don't ask you to agree, disagree, OR do both.

Undergraduate / My eyes were set on UT for quite some time; UT Austin Transfer/SOP [11]

1. unique aspects of your academic background: What makes your academic background different from everyone else's?

2. valued experiences How have your experiences changed you?

3. let us know more about you as an individual In what ways is your personality different from that of every other applicant? What can you offer the school that no one else can?

You're on the right track, but so far the essay is a little short in the "uniqueness" department. In other words, some of this stuff could be said about almost any strong student.

Graduate / I started as Document Control Assistant ; Master of Accountancy [5]

You're welcome, but I fear I didn't help you much.

What I was asking for was the exact essay question you've been given to answer.

I will say this...


You need to tell me what makes accountancy interesting to you. What aspects of the profession suit your personality (or vice versa)?

I realize that your goal is to become an accountant, but...

--why accountancy?
--how do accountants improve society?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:HOME-COOKED VS BUYING FOODS - which is better? [13]


I don't think it's "strict" to expect a writer to answer the question as asked.

However, gmad, I know it's not always easy. This is the #1 problem with essays of all kinds.

Undergraduate / I was raised in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia; ACET ESSAY [8]

I mean that you need to replace them with different words that express the same ideas.

Graduate / Graduate in Business Administration applying to LSE Diploma in Accounting and Finance [11]

What is the question they want you to answer? There's no way to tell how effective this is without knowing that.

I can say this with total certainty: This essay is approximately 20% longer than necessary.

Overall, the writing quality is above-average.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How can income generated by tourism benefit the poor? [2]

You've discussed the importance and the impact of tourism, but...


You haven't really told me what could or should be DONE with tourism revenues.


What can be DONE to ensure the preservation of native cultures in these countries?

Instead, you merely discuss the idea of tourism while dancing around the question.