Undergraduate / I swim out into the ocean often/ This is store is my home; UPENN Extracircular essays [3]

Please elaborate on an extracurricular activity!

I have two which one is better: I am going to be a business major (the store is one one of the reason why i am doing business), and then I have an essay about swimming in cocoa beach(where I am from).

Which should I use please help me correct it.I think I should use the store one since it shows passion.

1.It is the simplest of actions carried out in the world's most unforgiving environment: pull right, breathe, pull left, breathe. I swim out into the ocean often. I swim till I can no longer feel the sand sift through my toes, till the tourist's laughter fades into whispers, till the water is void of light, and till the warmth of the sea escapes, leaving me stiff. This distance is ideal; I stop here and turn my back against the waves. In that moment, before the wave forces me back to humanity, I do not meditate, I do not plan, I do not ponder. Emptiness: the surge of adrenaline won't allow my brain to think; my mind has isolated my body. My body elevates: this moment is true freedom, like a man unshackled from a life sentence. "Whoosh," the giant wave comes crashing over my shoulders, robbing me of the moment and hastily dragging me back to life, dragging me back to all the memories, and all the perpetual emotions. Nevertheless,I am reinvigorated and ready to fight forward.

OR

2. 120 loyal customers walk through the pearly door of the liquor store a day. Germans, Jamaicans, Vietnamese, Canadians, New Yorkers, Gays, Buddhists, all walk through those doors to indulge in the finest bliss, liquor. In those short few minutes they have with me we share stories, laughs, sorrows, philosophies, dreams, culture, and unavoidably, prices. We may even daringly disseminate our political views and get into friendly quarrels. Whatever the talk of the day may be, one thing is for certain, by the end of the night when it's time to close up shop, I become less ignorant of the world around me. All those stupid things I worry about are forgotten and all my aspirations are revitalized. This is store is my home, my inspiration, my heaven, and my savior.

the second one ends abruptly( but i truly enjoy working there because it was my inspiration to go into business and to pursue my dream of owning a chain of stores). and it probably has some grammatical errors please help me choose

Undergraduate / "Who's that, hunky?" ; UPenn Wharton-EXTRACURRICULAR [3]

Hello this is the common app extracurricular essay. I need help deciding which one to choose? I love business and I want to show it!!!!! I know admissions gets bored of reading so are these boring, do they show passion, are they vague, do I need to elaborate! ( it took me ten minutes for each so, don't yell at me for not having the UPenn standard of writing...I am in need of some urgent help please guide me with your brain power!!!!!!!!) thank you in advance!!! And please don't hold back if it sucks tell me so.lol

1. Choose your vice, rum and coke, a glass of merlot to compliment your dinner, or maybe some creamy Baileys to give your coffee a kick. Pay the price, walk out and indulge in bliss, or stay a little longer. Who are you? Where are you from? What hurdles have you climbed? What do you make of this fine establishment I manage? Please, dissipate my ignorance and tell me your tale. Thank you, I relieve you from my presence, go on and enjoy your life. I stand in the store alone, gazing deeply into the hole you left in my shelf. I think about your triumphs and your feedback, then I reflect on my own dreams and vision, a revolutionary business of my own. I march over to the shelf with confidence and pull the next bottle up. I turn towards the glass door, and there I see walking in, my next inspiration. "Hello, how are you," I say with anticipation.

2. "Who's that, hunky?" slurs one of my Puerto Rican customers leaving a trail of rum breath as he murders the pronunciation of my name. "Yup, it's me" I say, as I watch him stumble in. Before I even waste the last few breaths in his aging body I reach for his daily dose of 305 cigars and Bacardi Superior Rum. He takes a swig without hesitation, he is revitalized, and young once again. His hands stop shaking, he is focused, and he is ready to share dreams, laughs, and sorrows. I listen attentively and absorb all the knowledge and wisdom he has gained living life. Each minute I spend with him I become less ignorant of the world around me. We say our farewells, and he is gone. Customers like Juan are my inspiration to continue my education and to create a business like no other. I take a deep breath and release. The next customer walks in, ah it's my Russian lady friend. "Ey, kak dela" (hey, how are you?) I say with anticipation.

3.We are a business, we are professionals, and we have a boring image to uphold from the outside. Take a step into my world: Yelling, Cursing, hootin, and hollerin. Now take a step to the side, because there might be an intoxicated fellow stumbling your way. About 70% of my customers come in drunk from the night before, therefore there are situational hazardous in this line of work. I have Jeff on one side begging me to take shots with him and Flacco on the other side getting frustrated because I don't understand his strong Spanish accent. They are both loyal customers, and I like them, but I cannot have them in the store longer than 5 minutes without losing my mind. So I give them their liquid bliss, fight for their money, and send them on their way. Being surrounded by the store and the customers, makes me forget my past and move forward. I watch my customers every day, and I see the light shine onto their faces. They are my inspiration, which keeps clawing at me and telling me to do something truly amazing and enjoy it. I love the family business and the culture that goes with it. People from all over the world share their lives with me and give me a day to look forward to.

Undergraduate / Behavirol Financial Class/ Wharton Retail Club; U PENN- HOW I'll ENGAGE ACADEMICALLY [4]

A Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn.
(Please answer in 300 words or less.)

Here is my INCOMPLETE AND UNREVISED essay...all I want to know is it is a good style, and I should continue... or should I be more direct and just state what i will be doing there????

"YAAAAAAAAAA," as soon as I lay eyes on The University of Pennsylvania I will stop, drop to my knees and shout, eager to get started. 100 souls veer my direction and I stand up shrugging off all the dirt and grime from my past and move forward. Oh and I see you, I see you observing this year's admits with a smile, I bestow to you the honorable Hollywood slow motion nod. Then, I make my way to my behavioral finance class, text book in one and an Arizona Sweet Tea in the other! Maybe later I will go to the Wharton Retail club orientation to introduce myself or maybe I will go to the ___________ to create the club I have been visioning at Penn. I will excel, I will fight for my academic career, and I will innovate. You see me and Penn have a thing, this is why she and I are going to be academically engaged soon. It's a mutual agreement, she gives to me and I give to her, till death do us part.

Yes, the behavioral Finance class. This is where I will baffle the minds of students and professors by debating all theories on what drives investor's decisions. Good thing I have taken a couple of psychology classes and my Macro Economics professor was keen on the social aspect of economics. This kind of passion drives me to study. To understand what these lectures mean, and how they can be applied to whatever I pursue. Darn, next semester I have financial engineering! No worries, I will attempt to understand the major concepts while I have some free time on my hands, I shall not fear. Work hard, study hard, and love the game, I don't know why it took till I was 19 to figure this simple method out.

Next stop is the Wharton Retail club. This is where I feel like I am home again, managing the family business. Maybe with my background of two years in retail I can contribute to the activities students pursue. I can provide insight to other students ranging from important marketing strategies

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Ben Franklin once said, "All mankind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move."

Which are you? (300-500 words)....YOU DO NOT HAVE TO CORRECT MY GRAMMAR BECAUSE CHANCES ARE I HAVE A LOT OF ERRORS...BUT DO YOU LIKE MY APPROACH...IS IT UNIQUE???IT SEEMS EVERYONE HAS DONE MOVE>>>I THOUGHT I COULD GIVE IMMOVABLE A LITTLE SPICE AND ALTERNATE PERSPECTIVE...do you think admission will like it. OH YEA I AM NOT DONE...

Society is divided into three classes: immovable, movable, those that move. Respectively it pertains to thought, word, and deed. While thinking one should be in an immovable state, while influenced by words one should be movable, and while gracing society with good deeds one should move. When a fetus matures the first organ to develop is the brain, then a few weeks later, the legs. Yet, many of us are inclined to use our legs before our brain. Therefore, it is not wise to move without assimilating thought into ones goals.

Honestly, I have the traits of a mover; I am always seeking experience and if I fail I get up and try again. But, as a thinker, a spectator, and a learner, I do not dare to move without understanding. Do not mistake my behavior for idleness, rather the time I take out of my life to contemplate where I want to be, and how I will execute my actions. It's the mind, it's my mind that visualizes where I want to be and what I want to achieve. It's my mind that builds my confidence and keeps me going. This is why I have supplied adequate time to my mind to adjust and build on goals....If there is one thing I learned from life it is not about how much I can do but, what I can do and do right.

Writing Feedback / "Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not" ; What matters and why? [11]

please tell me how it is or what I must change?

Why so serious? Breathe, relax, enjoy life, explore, and worry not. Money, technology, friendship, love, careers, and problems will come and go. To put into perspective my insignificance in the infinite universe: I am but a speck on a speck on a billion other specks. Thus, I tend not to worry. Worry is the most malicious atrocity humans chose to practice. Everyday we run and run, worrying about the Boss's flawless coffee, or pesky deadlines. But if death visits unexpectedly, did all those worries accomplish anything?

Everything I do is pure worry-free enjoyment. I go to college because I love embracing a community that considers the pursuit of knowledge noble, even if some degrade it to hopeless competition. I volunteer at the zoo because I have a commitment to preserve nature, even if industries recklessly pollute. Love, forgiveness, and commitment is how I defeat worry.

Every morning I wake up smiling knowing my 18 month old niece will burst into my room at exactly 8:00 A.M. laughing as she skitters over to my bed. Well, one day she burst into my room throwing her ball at my head. So, I took away her favorite ball and replaced it with a receipt. To my surprise, she did not whine or scream for her ball. She embraced the exchange and threw the receipt in the air watching it slowly flutter down. Her eyes sparkled in amazement as did mine. She had it all figured out, worry not and enjoy everything because life is just that, a thing.

Undergraduate / I had to fulfill a duty to my parents; Cornell: Major, why, academic interests [5]

Tell me what you think: it asks what my major is and why it is....also how I will "further my academic interests at Cornell" (what ever that means)...thank you so much in advance...

A few years ago, I had to fulfill a duty to my parents by managing the family wine and spirits store. Constantly innovating the store, sparked my creative zeal, and drove me to achieve top sales. Menial tasks quickly turned to enjoyment and from there I Knew I wanted a deeper knowledge in business.My major will be Economics at Cornell's Applied Economics and Management program and I will strengthen my curriculum by furthering my academic interests in environmental life sciences courses and clubs.

At first, I was indifferent to commerce. I thought it was dull and unrewarding. I was wrong. Within a few months, I had a strong desire to make my family business one of the best in the city. With six identical liquor stores in a one mile radius, competition was fierce and thrilling. It became my obsession to create a large customer base for the business. This entailed tasks of marketing, pricing, and innovating. Every three weeks, I worked with our marketing specialist to target certain types of customers. We mail-advertised expensive wine and scotch to the high income residents of Sand Piper Bay, and we promoted coupons in lower income sectors via Money Saver magazines. To stay competitive, I kept a balanced profit-margin, which allowed our business to operate as well as satisfy customers. I quickly fell in love with every aspect of business. Accordingly, my curriculum at () college shifted to satisfy my passion for business economics. I attended classes such as Macroeconomics to understand how the world market functioned, and applied simple supply and demand concepts to my family business.

Unquestionably, my family wine and spirits store was the reason I fell in love with business, specifically applied economics. However, my time spent analyzing different types of businesses created my own vision. Growing up in Florida was a treat. I got to explore the soothing hot springs of Apoka, the Everglades of South Florida, and the majestic reefs of Key West. I have an undying love for nature, and I want to preserve the beauty. I am done standing on a silent platform screaming at big corporations and the government only to be dismissed, screw the norm, I will lead the war for change by introducing a revamped and Eco-friendly form of retail. Cornell's Applied Economics and Management program provides a variety of courses in life sciences that will supplement my finance concentration to make my dream real. The program will enable me to take classes such as "Environmental Economics" to hopefully lead the retail industry into low cost/high quality products without the environmental pollutants. Thus, I will further my academic interest in Agribusiness, Environmental & Resource Economics, and Accounting to to create a strong foundation for my business. Also, I will join initiatives such as the "Environmental Law Society" to model my future business in accordance to regulation, and to push for more environmental laws.

Managing my family's wine & spirits store revitalized my purpose and influenced me to major in my new found passion, applied economics. Cornell's multi-faceted AEM program involves many aspects of academia from Finance to Environmental business, which will help me become a versatile businessman who can influence environmental adherence in the retail industry. With the strong program Cornell has to offer, my vision is impenetrable.

Undergraduate / Blindly follow criticisms without evidence? ;Stanford-Intellectual Vitallity [12]

Stanford: students possess intellectual vitality, tell us about an idea or experience that developed your intellectual vitality....

Yea my topic is a little touchy, but it is what happened so I am willing to take the risk.(((((Disclaimer: I am by no means racist. It was just awkward for me to visit the mosque post 9/11.))))))))))) If i come off as bigot please tell me.

During the summer of 2011, my World Religions professor assigned me to attend an Islamic mosque for a religious experience project. I was uncomfortable because, the media led me to believe Muslims were outcasts. I was also raised by Hindu dogma to believe Muslims pillaged our land, and as an agnostic, I was indifferent to religion. Unexpectedly, the experience opened my mind to exploration.

I arrived at the mosque, skin drowning in sweat. Mr. Khair, the director of Islamic prayer in Melbourne, immediately spotted me from my picture. He walked up, shook my hand, and said, "Assalamo Allaikum" (peace be upon you). As I walked, my ears were greeted by a harmonious azan (the Muslim call to prayer). The voice from the speaker surrounded me; tuning my heart in sync with the rhythm. I was captured.

When I entered the mosque, Mr. Khair placed me in an observatory with my torso away from the Qibla (a stone wall). The prayer reminded me of the 2008 Olympics opening ceremony. The Chinese "fou" drummers were uniformly pounding the drums in powerful synchronization to exemplify the might of China. Much like the Olympics, the cohesion of praying voices exhibited a strict and influential faith. I was swept by a faint realization of why people warship God: devotion and honor.

After the prayer, I interviewed with Mr. Khair. As an outsider, I discussed society's views on Islam. Gently, he clarified "most Muslims practice and spread faith peacefully," and added that his branch aids impoverished locals. Although never enraged with hate, I still felt ill-informed and guilty. I asked myself, would I blindly follow people's criticisms without proper evidence?

My experience unshackled my mind from propaganda. By experiencing the Islamic faith, I realized forming my own research would relieve me of false thoughts. Reborn as a student of intellectual thought, curiosity of art, language, and culture replaced my ignorance. I hope we can soon live in a world where people are not judged by beliefs, but character because when ignorance reigns life is lost. I am only one man, but if I rid this world of my ignorance, it has indeed become a slightly better place.