Scholarship / Mild terror is a very effective motivator. (Swarthmore College) [3]

I want to attend the Summer Institute for Swarthmore College. I really want to go, so I thought I'd get a double check on some of my essays. Any critiques would be appreciated: structure, content, grammar, etc...

Here's the goal of the program:

1. To assist students in transition to college and enhance leadership skills.
2. Encourage personal and social awareness about issues of difference (race/ethnicity, gender, socio-economic class, power, and privilege) that can serve as a framework for understanding, society, campus culture, inter/intra group dynamics and individual, interpersonal interactions.

3. To provide support and information that helps students navigate the college system.

There are 4 essays but I will only bore you with one:

Why are you interested in participating in this program?

There are two specific reasons I want to attend the Tri-College Summer Institute.

Mild terror is a very effective motivator. At Swarthmore I will be a thousand miles from anyone I know and would like to have a support system and some friends established to help adjust to college. That being said, I will thrive on campus either way, but would truly benefit from the outside aid.

More importantly, I want to be more culturally and racially aware in order to facilitate more positive interactions with others. I have grown up in a white, lower income neighborhood in a small Nebraskan town for much of my life. This area is racially barren. Since my town has a small college, there is a refreshing influx of other cultures at times and a surprisingly large openly homosexual population for this area. However, very conservative attitudes reign dominant and I have been immersed in them for years. I come from quite a liberal family in the midst of this, but still retain a nagging fear that some of the closed-minded comments and racial undertones I hear on a daily basis have somehow caught my subconscious. I wish to allay this suspicion and learn more about issues that have not been at play in my social geography.

In addition to developing myself as a person, there is a logistic issue I would like to address. The Tri-Co program is a valiant effort to promote a diverse and supportive college experience, but not all students are included. This program apparently creates a small group of students on each respective campus who are significantly more aware of various social issues than their peers. Without confident ambassadors who are willing to communicate their knowledge to the rest of the school, the entire program's effects only extend to thirty students from each campus. I have the communication skills and passion to be such a representative.

I am the type of person who enjoys the odd and unusual characters of the world. My close friends include a flamboyantly gay man, a Native American dancer, and the most average American girl one could possibly imagine. My best friend has been raising himself since age twelve, when his mother became a meth addict. I love eclectic people and cultures. I love learning and struggling to comprehend new concepts.

Challenge me.

Undergraduate / "I posses innovation, drive, and dedication" - Why Swarthmore? [2]

So I think this might be too long, and let me know of any grammatical errors or bad content.

The striking contrast of black, white, and red in the viewbook was my first encounter with Swarthmore. However, as I discovered Swarthmore, family history came alive. Swarthmore is the green campus my grandmother remembers from growing up in Drexel Hill. My great-grandfather and his family sat in silence at Friend's Meetings in Lansdowne; he is buried in the Friend's cemetery there. My grandfather, on a different side of the family, grew up in Chester and my mother was born in Springfield. I never would have known this rich history without Swarthmore College.

...

Undergraduate / QB: Traveling & Running [2]

This is for Questbridge, due September 30th. I also need a third essay, so if you could which prompt the first essay fits better that would be fabulous. The second is brand new with organization and cohesion issues.

Prompt 1: We are interested in learning more about you and the context in which you have grown up, formed your aspirations and accomplished your academic successes. Please describe the factors and challenges that have most shaped your personal life and aspirations. How have these factors caused you to grow? (800 word limit)

Prompt 2: Write on ONE of the following topics. (500 word limit)

A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your background, please describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you.

ESSAY ONE:

Looking at photos of my childhood, one would see that the carefully manicured sets of school pictures are noticeably absent. Far more prominent are the scores of pictures of a wild haired child, so grubby one can barely tell the difference between her dark skinned peers. That youngster is me, with that purple hat and blue windbreaker among scores of mountain children in traditional Turkish dress. Small bodies and wide grins are all that we can relate with, but such methods of communication prove to be enough. This is one snapshot out of numerous global adventures; experiences that have fostered a love of people, travel, and learning.

My parents have given me the gift of acceptance and boundless curiosity. During my childhood we traversed from Amsterdam to Istanbul with bikes, a tent, and little else save the clothes on our backs over the course of five months. We lived with families in Mexico, camped beside dirt tracks where a few steps astray led into utter wilderness, and stayed the night with utter strangers in the Tatra Mountains of Poland. These experiences provided me with a glimpse into other worlds that guided tours cannot even being to touch. It did not strike me as odd to see women covered from head to toe or half-naked children running with stray dogs in the dusty streets. I was one of those children, communicating in smiles and mimes; we required nothing more. We reveled in our youth, ceaseless energy, and seeking minds.

My life experiences are a mere glimpse through the keyhole of the world. There is so much to learn, to understand. There is so little time to absorb everything; I want to fling open that door, letting that knowledge and culture spin about me. I crave to know the traditions and languages of the world and offer these precious gems to others. I am still full of childish idealism, yearning to build bridges between the peoples of the world.

Prompt 3: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you. (500 word limit)

ESSAY TWO:

I am not an athlete. In sixth grade I broke my wrist in a game of kickball while attempting to catch a ball in the outfield. I've always been a somewhat puny human specimen, the kind that gets tired walking up stairs. So, why do I now find myself running five miles?

The sun beats down with wet heat as my feet batter the black pavement. I am rather confident that I am baking from my soles upwards and my flushed face coordinates perfectly with my red shirt. The school athletic trainer says my arch is falling; the fact that the stabbing pain in my foot has a medical explanation is poor consolation. My forehead does not sparkle; it drips shining rivulets which quickly soak into my damp T-shirt. The sound escaping from my lips is akin to a chain smoker after a quick dance with strangulation.

You see, I am not officially part of the cross country team. I am the manager. Indeed, I initially started running to convince the slowest girl on the team that she is in fact, not. But, as I pushed myself further than I had ever physically gone, I was hooked. The feel of success after grinding ambition to the bone; the sense of accomplishment that every fiber of my body had worked for and achieved. I am running not because running fills me with glee, far from it. I am running because I enjoy pushing myself to the limit and further, of working beyond my capabilities and attaining my goals.

During most of my high school career I let my body become a decrepit thing while nurturing my mind. And while I can't promise I will continue running for the rest of my life, I know that I have put my mind to something I thought impossible and made it a reality. It's a parallel to how I succeed, with small strides towards the ultimate finish. I will never lose that feeling or my determination.

When I first began running, most of the team had been training over the summer. I, on the other hand, spent my summer traveling or doing indoor volunteer work. My body was not at all pleased with the sudden toil and the contents of my stomach observed the world on a variety of occasions. I am now past nausea and my body has settled on bequeathing oceans of moisture. But I am not giving up, and in running, that is all it takes.

So I have come to the realization that there is something inside me beyond body and mind, because both are screaming at me to collapse. Some force keeps me moving. I can do this. I am certainly not the best, not even close. That is not the point. I am going to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I make that five mile mark. And I have never felt worse, or better as I sprint for the freedom of the finish.

{Below is a little tidbit I didn't know where to put, but it seems worthwhile perhaps as a reflextion on my character and why I started running..?}

It helps to run with someone for encouragement, or commiseration. My partner is in better physical shape than I am, but keeping her running gives me the strength to finish those last miles. Coaxing her through her pain alleviates my own discomfort.

Writing Feedback / Frankenstein Essay: Critiques? [3]

This is an essay on Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. The end is a little rushed, but it's due soon and I wanted to give others time to comment on it. Also, I am unsure how to use MLA citation in the paper. Here is the prompt: Explore Mary Shelley's character of Victor Frankenstein physically, emotionally, and behaviorally. Do any of these traits parallel his creation? What is Victor's motive?

Did I request thee, Maker, from my clay

To mould me Man, did I solicit thee From darkness to promote me?"

Laced with betrayal and murder, Frankenstein is the story of an errant scientist and the warping of an blameless creature by devastating social circumstances. Both started on a different trajectory but ended up in identical situations. The irony of Mary Shelley's novel is that the Frankenstein creation craved acceptance but appeared a monster, while Victor was cruel and thoughtless but looked human.

Victor Frankenstein is a young aristocrat with endless opportunities and a burgeoning obsession with physical science. Coming from a high-class family, Victor has never been exposed to legitimate need; indeed, Victor's sheltered life extends to believing a young playmate was a possession. Seemingly an average man for the time period, the reader is given few clues as to Victor Frankenstein's exact appearance, except that he is a very studious boy, pale and thin.

Victor's human-like fabrication, on the other hand, elicits a vivid description from his creator, "His yellow skin scarcely covered the work of muscles and arteries beneath; his hair was of a lustrous black, and flowing; his teeth of a pearly whiteness; but these luxuriances only formed a more horrid contrast with his watery eyes, that seemed almost of the same colour as the dun-white sockets in which they were set, his shriveled complexion and straight black lips" (Shelley 56). The creation is perceived to be a monster merely based upon appearance, even while in the midst of a good act.

These two individuals portrayed by Mary Shelley are near polar opposites on the physical spectrum; however, as one reads further into the novel it begins to appear that while Victor is not necessarily a monster on the inside, the man is far from compassionate and selfless. While Victor is accepted merely for conforming to a standard human appearance, on the inside he is disturbing and insensitive. The Frankenstein creature, conversely, is more empathetic than many human beings, before being transformed into a monster by abandonment and human misunderstanding. Unfortunately, the Frankenstein monster's exterior repulses other sentient beings at just a glance. Victor delineates the form he himself fashioned as; "A flash of lightning illuminated the object and discovered its shape plainly to me; its gigantic stature, and the deformity of its aspect, more hideous than belongs to humanity, instantly informed me that it was the wretch, the filthy demon to whom I had given life" (Shelley 73).

Victor Frankenstein seemed emotionally detached from the world and rather self centered; true emotion emerged only after violent prodding by his creation. Victor Frankenstein was not the insane man portrayed by modern film, but a dangerously sane chemist who sought through rose-hue lens to father a new race. "Life and death appeared to me ideal bounds, which I should first break through, and pour a torrent of light into our dark world. A new species would bless me as its creator and source; many happy and excellent natures would owe their being to me" (Shelley 52). Obviously, such lofty ambitions were not objectives pursed solely for the good of the human race. Indeed, Victor's speech rings of arrogance, "I was surprised that among so many men of genius who had directed their inquiries towards the same science, that I alone should be reserved to discover so astonishing a secret" (Shelley 51). Victor Frankenstein's single-minded determination to create life from death blinded him to another facet of creation, responsibility. "I had desired it [the monster's creation] with an ardor that far exceeded moderation; but now that I had finished, the beauty of the dream vanished, and breathless horror and disgust filled my heart" (Shelley 56). Victor flees, revealing not only his desperate lack of maturity but a vast insensitivity towards his own creation. By abandoning the construct to the whims of others, Victor attempts to reject responsibility but ultimately the ramifications of such a betrayal land squarely upon his shoulders. As the monster takes revenge upon Victor's family Victor is "seized by remorse and the sense of guilt, which hurried me away to a hell of intense tortures, such as no language can describe" (Shelley 86). As Victor pursued the monster across the earth, all human connections and emotions save those of rage and revenge were lost.

Victor's creation, on the other hand, seems seized by profound emotion practically after coming to 'life.' The creature was abandoned by his architect and knew nothing of his origins; facts that continued to haunt him. Whereas a baby left to fend for itself at birth would surely perish, the Frankenstein monster possessed the physical capabilities to survive. However, he desperately lacked the mental maturity and experience to delve into society, even if one discounts the monster's appalling appearance. The superficial temperament of humankind barred the Frankenstein creation from any relationships with people, forcing him into a solitary lifestyle. This is a terrible cruelty to any sentient being; human creatures desperately need positive social interactions and being a construct made of human parts the Frankenstein creation seems to feel these same desires. The creature is crushed by harsh treatment at the hands of humans. "My heart was fashioned to be susceptible of love and sympathy, and when wrenched by misery to vice and hatred, it did not endure the violence of the change without torture such as you cannot even imagine" (Shelley 208).

Victor's tale invokes pity, but a closer look shows a more disturbing account. As Victor formed his creature, "Who shall conceive the horrors of my secret toil, as I dabbled among the unhallowed damps of the grave, or tortured the living animal to animate the lifeless clay...and often did my human nature turn with loathing from my occupation" (Shelley 53). During Victor's fervent search for life after death, he allowed his ego to take over and ignored human emotions and revulsions in his attempt to play god. The man was under the firm belief that his creation would come to worship him as the grand architect and a form of human deity. However, after forming a gigantic body with limbs stolen from graves and a triumphant reanimation, Victor finds himself disgusted by his construction and abandons it (Cliffnotes). Also, as Victor labored to create a mate for his monster upon a practically deserted island, where he obtains body parts for the new construct is puzzling.

Victor's creation became a monster in his actions after experiencing endless brutality at the hands of humans. This is exemplified by the creature conversing with a blind peasant man and when saving a young girl from drowning. At both occasions the creature is beaten and driven off. After experiencing violent treatment at the hands of humans the creature felt that "There was none among the myriads of men that existed who would pity or assist me; and should I feel kindness towards my enemies? No: from that moment I declared everlasting war against the species, and, more than all, against him who had formed me and sent me forth to this insupportable misery" (Shelley 130). Frankenstein's creation learns of the world through experience and is beset by human violence at every turn when all it wishes for is acceptance. Finally deprived of companionship by even his creator, the Frankenstein monster embarks on a path of carnage. "Not simply a stock symbol for a part of Frankenstein's psyche, the creature also portrays a natural and innocent man who becomes the victim of his social conditions because he reacts to the adversity he faces with negative emotions" (123HelpMe).

At the end of the novel, both Victor and his creation are self-loathing, rage filled creatures with the same objective; to make the other feel their own pain. Victor set off on that path while thoughtlessly creating his 'monster and the Frankenstein creation was set upon his path by his creator's injustice. Even with different trajectories, both men commit monstrous acts and have the same emotional and behavioral traits at death, though different appearances.

Mahatma Gandhi considered Science without Humanity to be one of the seven most threatening behaviors to civilization; this rule is precisely what Victor Frankenstein broke. Victor himself says that, "in a fit of enthusiastic madness I created a rational creature, and was bound towards him, to assure, as far as was in my power, his happiness and well-being" (Shelley 200). However, without a second thought, Frankenstein forsakes his creation on the superficial premise of appearance; a visage Victor himself created. This sets the Frankenstein creature on a path to ruin, which in turn inspires the Frankenstein creature to reap havoc on Victor Frankenstein. Victor's anguish appears in this passage, where Victor refers to himself as a creature, not a human. "A fiend has snatched from me every hope of future happiness; no creature had ever been so miserable as I was; so frightful an event is single in the history of man" (Shelley 188). However, it is easily apparent that Victor's creation is in continual torment, deprived of all relationships by Victor Frankenstein's thoughtless hand. Victor formed his 'monster' claiming that "no father could claim the gratitude of his child as completely as I should deserve [the monster's thanks]" (Shelley, 52). The Frankenstein monster gave Victor the gratitude he deserved.

"The Creature as a Foil to Frankenstein." 123HelpMe.

CliffsNotes. Why did Dr. Frankenstein create his monster?
And I haven't done the bib stuff for the first three lines from Paradise lost or all the quotes for Frankenstein.

Undergraduate / Tiny Amherst Essay: Anything to Tweak? [4]

Amherst wants my reasons for visiting; if it's convincing enough they'll pay my way to Massachusetts. The limit is 200 words. Please let me know if it sounds like I'm terribly obvious in sucking up,if you see any glaring mistakes, or think I should add anything. Gracias.

I've pored through the Amherst guide, website, and explored various aspects of the campus online; however, these sources only provide part of the picture. To fully capture the essence of a college one must see it in person and that is precisely what I would like to do. I want to meet professors, experience the campus culture, and see the open curriculum system at work.

I want to observe the open curriculum at work; this innovative program would allow me to pursue my degree and dabble in other areas of interest without falling off-track. Conversing with professors involved with the Five College International Relations Program would provide me with a better grasp of the program and let me discover the endless possibilities accessible. The study abroad opportunities available through Amherst also provide great opportunities for cultural immersion and language development; being able to talk with students about their personal experiences would be beneficial.

Unfortunately, traveling to Amherst from a small, Nebraskan town is not financially feasible for me, which is why I'm very interested in this program. I want to capture first-hand what Amherst can create with what I have to offer and what I can achieve with Amherst. The next step is visiting.

Undergraduate / Broadening Horizons Spiel: Conclusion, Questbridge essay. [2]

This is another Questbridge essay, and I'm placing it under the category of:
Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you.
500 words and I'm at 400.
Well, I have the experience down, but not the impact part...
I don't know how to put it and really trail off, get gloomy, and die at the end.
Many of my sentences also begin with 'I'.
Please help me with any grammatical errors and in creating a strong conclusion paragraph!

When looking at photos of my childhood, the carefully manicured sets of school pictures are noticeably absent. Far more prominent are the scores of pictures of a wild haired child, so grubby you can barely tell the difference between her dark skinned peers. This is me, with that purple hat and blue windbreaker among scores of mountain children in traditional Turkish dress. Small bodies and wide grins are all that we can relate with, but such methods of communication prove to be enough.

My parents have given me the gift of acceptance and boundless curiosity. During my childhood we traversed from Ecuador to Istanbul with bikes, a tent, and little else save the clothes on our backs. We lived with families in Mexico, stayed the night with utter strangers in the Tatra Mountains of Poland. This provided me with a glimpse into other worlds that guided tours cannot even being to touch. It did not strike me as odd to see women covered from head to toe or half-naked children running with stray dogs in the dusty streets. I was one of those children, communicating in smiles and mimes; we required nothing more. We reveled in our youth, ceaseless energy, and seeking minds.

Now I am in the states, tied here by the obligations of school once more. I find myself pushing against the prejudices and folkways of my small Midwestern town, where many have lived and died without ever leaving the cultural safety of Nebraska.

This life experience is a mere glimpse through the keyhole of the world. There is so much to learn, to experience. There is so little time to absorb all of this; I want to fling open that door, letting that knowledge and culture spin about me. I want to know cultures, traditions, languages. I want to turn America from this harshly capitalist society, where to move up one must push others down, to a country with open doors.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Application, vegetarianism [5]

Ok. so this is all due on Tuesday and I've been stuck for a while.
It's really rough...Sorry! Ek. And I don't like people reading my writing. Ok.
The first is something that impacts my life, I need two more. Limit: 100 words

Eight years ago in my elementary school, I licked the remnants of Shepherd's pie from a fork. Such a meaty morsel has not passed my lips since, despite a few tempting opportunities. Many people perceive vegetarianism as a dietary choice, but for me it is a life path with roots in appalling cafeteria victuals. I have always been a lover of animals and refuse to support their exploitation with my dollar. As a vegetarian in the Midwest, this has led to many stimulating debates with peers and interested adults alike.

Is that last sentence any good after the comma? I don't know if I like it.
The whole cowboy thing came off as snobby... :[ Blast!
And is it bad that I say I have a firm stance but have also been tempted? It kinda is...
More advice! Ek. Here is my second.
I'm nervous about sounding corny on both of these, but I'm being truthful!

I am the girl who feels guilty when forgetting to unplug electronics after using them. Growing up in a household that is very environmentally conscious, I have always been aware of my ecological footprint. Going without heat to conserve energy and save money on the gas bill is not dire circumstance; it is a reason to put on that extra jacket. I compost, collect rainwater, have my own garden, use energy efficient lights, and perhaps most condemning as a sixteen-year-old, do not have a car.