Writing Feedback /
I contend that adolescents should coordinate their time of studying and working. [10]
Virtually all 1,the students might confront with a dilemma that whether or not teenagers 2,should be involved in diverse types of paid work. Recently, this issue has sparked heated debate. Some individuals deem it completely wrong 3 while others consider it 4 a precious experience which is vitally 5 significant for both studying and taking responsibility. Nevertheless, I contend that adolescents should coordinate their time of studying and working.
1, all students ( not all THE students) . Brush up/learn --> definite and indefinite articles/usage.
2, should be or must be? should is a weaker obligation than MUST. I would not change the tense anyway.
The first sentence is so wordy. I would suggest:
In some countries, teenagers work in many sectors and earn money ,however, it is not possible in some other other countries. In this essay, I will explain both sides of this statement before reaching at a conclusion.
3, need a comma (contrast) Learn punctuation rules of 'while'. You don't always use comma with WHILE.
4, as a
5, vitally important ( we don't say 'vitally significant in English' because = collocation--> unnatural phrase or structure).
6, Who asked your opinion? The prompt doesn't mention that you need to take a position but ' discuss'. Stick with the question.
It is very clear that you learnt a lot of gibberish such as cliches to write essay.Remember, IELTS examiners are not fools and they will give you penalties for this. It is called 'memorised'.
This one has not sparked any debates so please avoid such utterance as you will only lose the score ( your words will not be counted if it is off topic or memorised--> refer the real writing exam paper and at the end on the right hand side, you will see some columns. This is on online so google ' ielts writing exam paper').
Admittedly, indeed, participating in some types of work can not only earn some money, but also allow9 youth to acquire numerous precious qualities, knowledge and capability, such as the sense of responsibility, learning skills, work experience, to name but a few. Nonetheless, it is unwise to conclude that students should take up working during their adolescence. Despite these advantages, what people cannot neglect is that, it is studying, instead of working that is 10 of the 11 essence 12 of 13the 14role as students. Being engaged in the paid work may occupy their precious and limited time for studying. As a result, their studies suffered. In order not to distract the youth from working, I deem it vitally significant to balance studying and working. In other words, more directly, parents and schools should restrain the time spending on working.
9, allows
10, that is the 11 purpose of studying
12,13,14 = penalties for not making sense in English ( it is counted in the vocab section). It is called 'inappropriate word choice'.
Oh Gosh! You are complicating your writing. I do not think you have analysed this question. Are you supporting the A side? Well, you have to.
"
Admittedly, indeed, participating in some types of work can not only earn some money, but also allow youth to acquire numerous precious qualities, knowledge and capability, such as the sense of responsibility, learning skills, work experience, to name but a few".
See the above one. You need to develop that idea.
1, precious qualities
2, knowledge
3, capability/ responsibility
4, learning skills
5, work experience
Jeez! This is not even a knowledge test so you do not dump all. None of your points are relevant by the way as it doesn't answer the question. Is it fine for children to earn money by working for a company? None of your points seem to be relevant.
Please learn---> unity(coherence). YOU can only have 1 point in a paragraph. I will write one for your now.
Lets choose one point and then develop: independent
Now follow this order:
1.Topic sentence (google it)
2.Explain FULLY/RELEVANT Example
When Children earn some money by working in a factory, they learn how to be INDEPENDENT. For example, In some Asian countries, teenagers are employed and as a result, they save some dollars. Unless they have this income, they can not even support themselves. In the meanwhile, there are many other teenagers became beggars as they have no source of income. Given that, these employed very young fellows are financially free. They no longer need to expect someone to help them for their daily needs.In turn, they learned how to help themselves. If they had no jobs, they would turn into mischievous activities. Therefore, it is better for them to work and earn money; otherwise, their government or society will have to face some anti-social kids.
See how I stick with 1 point and justified it. This is one of the possible approaches though. Next thing is find out the mistakes if you can. I can not be bothered as I am doing it for free. Look at the complex sentence structures with 'when, unless,as,to,if'.Apart from what I laid out above, there are sufficient reasons which are in favor of my perception. Primarily, an occupation designed for an adult might not suit those adolescents. They may include many special skills which beyond children's capability. This scenario, at the same time, indicates the importance for the youth to acquire a sea of knowledge and skills which could be in preparation for their career in 15 later life. In addition, lacking the child-friendly facilities in the working environment could become another problem to worry about. For instance, the desks and chairs are too high for a child, and in some certain circumstances such as a chemistry factory, the atmosphere is even toxic for children. As a result, these potential hazards make it dangerous for the youth to work to some extent.
15, their
The second body is almost error-free ( at a glance)
To sum up, albeit working can allow children to earn salary and even perquisite, it is still unwise for them to embark on diverse kinds of jobs not only because working can become a distraction, but also because of the potential hazard which threaten the adolescents' safety.
This candidate is an advanced Grammar student but his vocabulary usage is often faulty. s/he doesn't realise that some of his or her's usages are not collocated. Use simple English so you can maintain collocation. If not, you will lose score by getting penalties.
Now, your (rough) score will be :
Grammar 8 band ( only 4 mistakes)+ complex sentence structures used with a few inaccuracies.
vocabulary= 6 ( too many mistakes) .This is a strong 6 though. So it is very close to 7 if s/he can cut down the mistakes.
Coherence= 5 ( no clear progression THROUGHOUT) --> didn't even discuss both sides fully. Body-1 focus mainly on the bad sides where s/he supposed to just focus on the advantage side.
Task 5= 5 ( partially responded to the question)
Total score: 24/4= 6 band
Please refer the ielts band descriptors and match the sub-scores.
Learn and focus:
1, essay formats ( standard/logical)
2, unity
3, topic sentence
4, how to analyse the question and draft it
5, how to justify the points.
6, non-sequitur
Hope this helps!
( My response may have errors as I do not proofread it)
