Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Appropriate age of adulthood [3]

Hi All,

Can you please review this essay and provide feedback:

In some countries young people at the age of eighteen are considered adults and can drive a car, vote and get married, while other countries don't allow it. What age do you think is the best to be considered an adult? Give reasons and examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Age of majority tend to vary across countries. In some countries, young people of age eighteen are considered to be adult and are provided the rights to drive, vote and marry. However, other nations oppose by saying younger generation don't become matured enough to take the responsibilities of an adult at the age of eighteen. It is felt that twenty-one should be the ideal age of adulthood. This will be proven by looking at how increased maturity level and higher educational qualification at the before mentioned age make the young people suitable to act adults.

Firstly, when youngsters are granted adulthood, they enjoy different privileges like driving license, voting rights and marriage eligibility. These activities to some extent demand a good amount of decision-making capability and maturity. Many researches show that critical parts of the brain involved in decision-making are not fully developed until age 21 or so. For instance, my best friend's brother lost his life in an accident while racing with another car. Unfortunately, that was his first day in driving after getting driving license at the age of eighteen. It has been seen that as the age grows people become more cautious and more responsible. Thus, it seems that eighteen is not an appropriate age to be recognized as adults.

In addition to this, education has major influence in development of dependable citizens. Education is a tool which not only injects few philosophies, but also teaches us to respond wisely to different situations in our life. Because of this, only a well-educated individual can properly use the rights related to driving, voting and marriage. But, at the age of eighteen, a young individual usually does not complete his studies and many aspect of education is yet to be exposed to him. For example, in India people of eighteen finish only high school that is considered the first milestone of education. Thus, this example shows why eighteen is not a suitable age to grant adulthood.

In conclusion, after analysing the lack of full-grown maturity and incomplete education, it is felt that it would not be justified to deal with the critical matters like driving, voting and marrying at that very young age. It would be better for them to get exposed to such matters on or after the age of twenty-one.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Effect of movies and computer games containing violence [7]

Hi All,

Can you please spend some time to review this essay. Your feedback means a lot to me.

Nowadays movies and computer games containing violence are very popular. Some people believe that they have negative effect on the society and should be banned, others, however, believe that it is harmless entertainment. Discuss both vies and give your own opinion.

In recent times, the growing popularity of media promoting violent video games and movies can be seen among the people of all ages. The impact of violent content in our entertainment has always been a topic of argument. Many people think they have negative influence on the individual and society and therefore should be prohibited. However, others feel that these are form of a mere entertainment that causes no harm. Both the opinions will be critiqued before a reasoned conclusion is reached.

On the one hand, it is often cited that popularity of violent movies and online games is one of the primary causes of increase in number of mass violence and restricting society from such films or games is a probable solution. Regular access to these media turns humans to sociopaths. They either behave aggressively or suffer from a fear phobia. The effect is even worse for children. Being immature, they tend to fantasize about killing people as a way to show their anger. The real life examples are Columbine High School shooters Dylan Harris and Eric Klebold who were avid computer gamers. Thus, the example shows the merits of the argument against fierce video content.

On the other hand, violent films and computer games are often treated as only entertainment. When people watch or play such video they are well aware of the fact that the negative sequences have been captured only for their enjoyment. People either consider them as a leisure activity or spend time on them as an admirer of work of art. Furthermore, many science fictions or fight scenes are so absurd that it is quite understandable that they will never happen in real life. For instance, the free-falls shown in Bond movies are pretty far from reality. Thus, it is seen why movies and computer games containing violent subject are even considered as harmless entertainment.

To conclude, it can be said that although violent films and internet games are treated simply as entertainment by many, they significant negative impact on the society. So, it is felt that these media contents should be banned.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Negative attitude of young people towards learning [3]

Hi All,

Can you please review and rate this essay written for IELTS:

Nowadays many young people have negative attitude towards learning after they left school. What is the cause and what are the steps that can be taken to bring positive attitude towards learning again?

In recent times, many young people show reluctance to continue studies after school. Their negative attitude towards learning is a matter of serious concern as young generation is often considered the pillar of society. This attitude is primarily developed from the stress of studies and dull curriculum in school. To tackle the problems, the contribution of parents and teachers will be analysed.

Primarily, negative outlook towards learning grows within school students when they cannot cope up with the huge pressure of studies and exams. Their incapability often creates stress and fosters performance anxiety among them. The situation becomes even worse when students get demotivated due to dull and boring learning material which they cannot grasp properly. Education system in South Asian countries, for examples, is more like an exam based system which force pupils to go through inappropriate curriculum. As south Asian children are quite often seen to discontinue studies after school, the merits of argument behind these two reasons can be shown.

However, there are ways to address the problems. First and foremost solution can be provided by parents. Students feel less stressed when they find their parents compassionate, supportive and less demanding. Additionally, teachers also play a vital role. They can stimulate learning spree among students by introducing interacting teaching methods and more practical content in the curriculum instead of abstract theory. For instance, government in Canada has already taken various initiatives to educate teachers about innovative teaching strategies. As Canada has the highest number of university degree holders in the world, the effectiveness of such approaches is proved.

Following this look at the issues that derive from pressure of studies and uninteresting curriculum, it is felt parental care and modern teaching tactics provide plausible remedies. It is hoped these measures are put into action to bring back student's positive attitude towards learning.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Some children take sports seriously while others not. Give opinion [3]

Hi All,

Can you please review this essay and provide feedback?

Essay Topic: Some children nowadays take sports seriously while others play sports in their free time. Is it a positive or negative development? Give your own opinion and examples.

In recent times, some children consider sports to be a mandatory activity in their daily routine while others neglect it to be an optional one. It is felt that young generation should treat sports to be a positive phenomenon. This will be shown by looking at how a child gets benefited from health and behavioural perspective getting involved various sports.

Firstly, an outdoor sport demands a lot of physical activities that in turn help players to be fit and well built. So, the kids who get engaged in any such games are thought to possess good health. For example, youngsters who play rugby regularly, stay far away from obesity problems. Thus, this example makes it clear how sports assist children to maintain fitness.

In addition to this, many team sports teach the players the art of delivering unitedly. When people start participating in such sports from younger age, they learn how to perform best in collaboration with other team members and this acquired skill later on help to prove themselves as efficient team members. For instance, game like soccer where coordination with other players is important for winning, gives lessons to acquire team skills. Thus, there are merits to encourage children to get involved actively in sports.

It can be concluded that children who are inspired to take sport seriously are at an advantageous position than those who do not. It is recommended that sports schools should take an active role to make the students aware of the benefits of sports.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Children are raised by grandparents. How family is affected? [7]

Hi All,

Can you please review the essay and give suggestions to improve?

Essay topic - Today the majority of children are raised by their grandparents, due to the fact that their parents are busy working. To what extent do you think it affects the whole family?

In today's competitive world when parents are busy accomplishing their career goals, children more often are brought up by their grandparents. Children keep grandparents away from being lonely as well as parents get assured that their kids are being taken care well. It is felt most of the time whole family get benefited due to this except those situations where grandparents cannot adjust with the advanced lifestyle because of their traditional mentality. The following paragraphs will illustrate the merits of this position.

Typically, aged people feel depressed and lonely. But when they get a chance to look after the little ones, they become lively and energetic keeping aside their health issues. Besides taking care of the kid's health, grandparents also teach them good manners, some practical thoughts of life. Parents also become free from worries as they know nobody can take better care of kids than the near and dear ones. To give an example, children raised by grandparents are healthier and well behaved than those brought up in a child care. Thus, it is evident that the whole family gains from this arrangement.

However, sometimes elderly people stick to their conventional mentality and don't want to adopt modern lifestyle. Because of their rigidness, whole family suffers as youngsters failed to learn contemporary things and parents can not intervene always thinking not to disrespect the seniors. To illustrate, grandparents sometimes disapprove the modern technology based teaching mechanism causing children to lag behind in their studies. This shows how families suffer when grandparents are not so mentally progressive.

It can be concluded that it is very beneficial for the family if grandparents look after their grandchildren. But it should also be kept in mind that the seniors should be open-minded enough to accept the new changes in society.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Letter - Write a letter asking your friend to join you on a holiday [3]

Hi All,

Can you please review the letter for me?

You are planning a holiday in another country. Write a letter asking your friend to join you and explain
Why are you taking a holiday?
What is your holiday plan?
Why would you like him/her to come?

Hi Jose,

Hope this letter finds you and your family in good health. I am writing this letter inviting you to join a four-day holiday to Melbourne during Easter. Let me give you some insight into my plan.

As you know, for last couple of months I am going through a hectic schedule in my workplace. In this situation, I thought only an excellent holiday can be a stress reliever. Additionally, I will get a chance to explore a new city too.

Now coming to my holiday plan, I designed the trip to be short and compact. Apart from city tour, I want to visit Twelve Apostles which is a spectacular view of coast line. Also, there is a historical gold mining spot named Ballarat which I would love to see. Once the main attractions are covered within first three days, on fourth day we can just relax; do some shopping, taste local cuisines, etc.

If the time and plan suit you, I would be more than happy to have you as a companion. From my previous experiences, starting from holiday attraction to food and accommodation, we shared same views. So there is no doubt about it, you are an ideal travel partner.

Hope to hear something positive from you soon.

With regards,
Mat

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - The option to work or study from home is advantage or disadvantage [7]

Hi All,

Can you please review my essay for IELTS?

Topic - In some countries, with the widespread use of the internet, people are able to work or study from home, instead of having to travel to work or college. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Discuss and state your own opinion.

Undoubtedly this is an era of internet which impacts one's personal as well as professional life. The effect is seen more on the developed countries where people choose to work or study from home instead of going to office or university. Some consider this approach to be an advantage while others reject this as a disadvantage. Both the points of views will be discussed in order.

On the one hand, the benefit that professionals or students get by connecting from home is enormous. For one, it helps working people to maintain work life balance. The best example is the new mother who can join her work as well as take care of her baby. People also get the desired flexibility in terms of working hours. For students too, studying from home is an attractive option. They save the travelling time to Universities and utilize that time on their studies. In a busy city like Tokyo, students waste a lot of time in travelling. Thus, the advantages that people enjoy by working or studying from home, are obvious.

On the other hand, one part of the society, has doubt over the productivity of people who prefers to work or study from home. Many employers argue that once an employee works from isolation, he or she spends a lot of time in communication via phone or email with colleagues. This harms an employee's deliverable. Teachers think that students get affected too as they can not clear their doubts in study topics instantly. Due to this they lag in their studies. These factors affect people who work or study from home.

Following both the point of views, the option of working or studying from home is thought to provide more benefits than drawbacks. It is hoped that people will continue to use internet to work or study and improve on the disadvantages into the foreseeable future.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects [9]

Hi All,

Can you please review the below essay and provide the score which I can expect from this writing?

Here is the essay topic:
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree?

Here is what I have written:

In today's world, computer is an essential part of everyday life. Around the globe, the effect is evident on children also. It is disagreed that computer can affect children in a negative way if they use a computer on a daily basis. This will be proven by analyzing how computer assists children to use vast resources available over internet to study effectively as well as develop some basic skills which help them in future careers.

The best thing about internet is the availability of information in the form of text, image or video related to almost everything and through computer children can access internet to gather knowledge on the subjects they are studying or they are interested about. As an example, students preparing for delivering speech on a certain topic can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter. It's hard to get everything at a same place unless children are not familiar with computers. That is how, computer impacts children on a positive note.

Nowadays, computers enable people to prepare presentations, draw complex graphs and pictures, document thesis in a simple though efficient way. When children are allowed to play around with computer from a very early age, they get acquainted with the previously mentioned skills and become expert before facing professional world. For instance, students who used to prepare Microsoft PowerPoint presentation for their school projects, get an edge over others at an early stage of their career. From this, it's clear that computer has a positive effect on the children.

Following the demonstration of a computer's contribution in children's study and building skills which are to be used in their career afterwards, it is agreed that computer is a boon to children. However, parents should advise and guide their children properly so that they don't get misled.

Thanks in advance,
Mat