Writing Feedback / The money in sports can be a two-edged sword [2]

Hello! The changes needed are minor and easily fixed. :) See edit suggestions here:

.. great shifts Ii n the field of sports. Initially, record- breaking and national pride wewere primary concerns for most sportsmen. However, currently, the current situation has greatly changed as money, fame, and self-interests are increasingly being pressed upon. From my own perspective, ... deliver a strong and penetrating message to younger generations.

... sportsmen has, in point of fact, corrupted the whole overall image of sports itself . Specifically, so great is the temptation of being famous and affluent is so great that many some ..., and so forth(consider different wording) just to satisfy their sense of victory. This, unfortunately, has destroyed the idea of a fair and square(consider changing) sport. In addition, as selfishness grows, many players tend to pay no heed orlittle, if any, ...

... situations conveys a meaningful and profound message whichthat serves as a wake-up call for young people who are still over- emphasizing the role of money and material possessions. To be more specific, materials and money can be two-edged swords whichthat , ... ButO n the other hand, sometimes, money can be the end of our normal lifelives,and relationships and taint our personalities.

To put it in a nutshellCollectively , ... purposes.

Best of luck! :)

Writing Feedback / Some people think the extra-curriculum school work and activities shall be decided by students [7]

In addition to the excellent suggestions you have received from other editors, I recommend paying close attention to fragmented and run-on sentences. For instance:

For example , if there is only one student interested in taking photography class , in order to fulfill the demand , not only teacher's time , but also equipment have to invest to this course .

This sentence has unnecessary spaces but more importantly it consists of small phrases groups together without a clear meaning. I suggest:

"For example, if only one student shows interest in taking a photography class, it would not be practical for the university to invest the time and financial resources to meet the demand of a single student. However, putting minimum interest levels on specific activities, such as implementing a policy where an activity can be added if a minimum of 10 students sign up, would be reasonable."

Another sentence that contains similar errors is:

Considering a student who barely takes exercises , like myself , which sometimes not because I don't like it , but lack the motivation and right guide to do that .

Instead, consider:

"For student, like myself, who rarely exercise, activities requiring physical activity might not be appealing. However, if presented to students effectively, the availability of physical activities could serve as a motivating factor that would not only improve overall student health but would improve mental health as physical activity is proven to boost brain performance as well."

These are only a couple of suggestions on how you can strengthen the grammar and flow of the essay while clarifying the underlying message you are trying to convey to the reader. Also, if using a sentence such as my last suggestion, you will want to cite a source that support the claim that "physical activity is proven to boost brain performance".

Good luck! :)

Undergraduate / Being a president of English club I organized a summer exchange trip to Lithuania; cultural exchange [2]

Hi there! I know you're excited about the possibilities with NYU. It's an amazing institution. :)

One of the first things that stand out is the bulky wording (e.g. run-on sentences and incorrect grammar usage). However, these are easily corrected. The first sentence, for example, would be more enticing and clear it simplified into two sentences like this:

Being the president of my English club in high school in the Ukraine was an asset when I, along with my English professor, organized a summer exchange trip to Lithuania. This experience helped me realize that life is an open book and that traveling added many pages to my book.

During my high school years in Ukraine my English professor and me, being a president of English club organized a summer exchange trip to Lithuania, which made me realize that life is an opened book and without traveling I would end up reading just one page. (SEE MY COMMENT AND SUGGESTION ABOVE) I generated tons of experiences (poor word choice) from trying to communicate with locals using a combination of English, Russian, Polish and Ukrainian to trying out different cuisines at a international festival, the trip was indeed a cultural exchange.

Instead, consider: I gained experience when communicating with locals, particularly when speaking English, Russian, Polish, and Ukrainian. Trying different cuisines at the international festival was an exciting cultural experience.

While living on campus, we attended morning classes with American professors who used a different to us(change the wording) teaching approach- discussions. [Instead, consider: While living on campus, I experience teaching approaches that were different from what I was used to, specifically the way American professors use discussions as a tool.]

We were able to challenge and analyze information presented by professors, a feature non-existent in Ukrainian education system. ThatThe summer exchange program inspired me to do my best in high school to make it possible to study abroad.

New York University is famousknown for its diverse student bodydiversity with students from almost every corner of the world. I would love to be a part of the purple school to add and share my unique characteristics and experiences with others to expand each other's knowledge. Therefore global aspect of NYU, with students from 90 countries and a student abroad program, is very appealing and beneficial. This section, in blue, is confusing and should be restructured.

As somebodyone not born in the U.S, New York City'sstrikes me with its power and opportunities fascinate me .

You can apply the suggestions above to the remaining sentences for improve flow and clarity.

I hope this helps and will be happy to assist further, if needed. :) Good luck with NYU!

Essays / College students and debt; financial aid, college expenses, work study and academics, students debt [2]

College students and debt is a timely topic and one in dire needs of more coverage. So, kudos on picking that topic.

You might want to explore the hype behind advertisements boasting of grants and loans. Because many students do not have to pay out of pocket expenses for tuition (even books and supplies in some cases) it is so easy to become buried in massive students loans. Disturbingly, the costs of loans (including federal loans) can be so high, even for a four-year university (not to mention those that continue on for their Masters and beyond) that the monthly repayment costs can easily take a large chunk from the average family's income. For instance, graduating with a bachelor's alone, the average student loan debt is about $80,000. If interest payments aren't made while in school, the amount can be closer to $100,000 and the monthly payment for all loans can be up to $1000. I would say that understanding the long-term impact of student loans is important and making some interest payments while in school is of equal importance.

I hope this helps you get started...or sparks other ideas. :)

Undergraduate / 'genetics is the subset of biology' - why Columbia? "Broadening scientific horizons" [2]

Hi junersol194! Yes, overall the response is great--only a few areas that can be improved. I've made suggestions below.

What I find most appealing about Columbia is the great emphasis it places on broadening its students'the scientific horizons. of its students. At this early point in my college career I feel certain genetics is the subset of biology I wish to pursue studies in (try not to end a sentence with a preposition; instead try: "...subset of biology in which I wish to pursue my studies "). Yet, courses such as First Year Seminar in Modern Biology would introduce me to other interesting topics whichthat I may also wish to study further.

This impresses me because it showsI am impressed that Columbia is interested in helping students become the scientific leaders of tomorrow.

I can see myself making contributions to The Columbia Science Review, helping spread knowledge of new scientific discoveries, encouraging students to participate in science-related activities, and teachingsharing with my peers about the importance of science in a modern society.

I hope this help and best of luck at Columbia! :)

Writing Feedback / Japan was the leader when it comes annual income and life expectancy - IELTS table [2]

Hello, a few grammar suggestions have been made below.

IfWhen analyzed, thehistorical data suggests that Japan was the leader when it comesin annual income and life expectancy, whereas Canada took the first place ofranked highest in daily calories per person. In addition, Japan and Canada both had the same and the highest adult literacy rate. Japan's 1994The annual income of Japan in 1994 stood atwas 15760$, while this value was huger thancompared to Canada's one for almost 4000$. The life expectancy, however, both had an insignificant gap, Japan's life expectancy at birth was 78 and Canada was less than 2 years.(The sentence in bold is confusing. A better choice might be: The life expectancy between Japan and Canada had significant gaps as 78 and 2 years respectively.) Canada ranked higher than Japan inmanaged to surpass the3326 daily calories per person compared to 2846 in Japan. which was 2846, with its 3326.This two under review country had the same Adult literacy rate which was 99 percent.(The sentence in bold is unclear. Suggestion: Both Japan and Canada reported 99% in adult literacy.)

The following is confusing since you've focused on Japan and Canada and now print in Peru and Zaire. The they are part of the overall countries comparison, you need to start the first paragraph with clarification on which countries you will be reviewing.

Another two countries had the opposite story, the annual income of Peru was 160, whilst Zaire had only 130. (You jumped from adult literacy to life expectancy. If you need these two countries to be included, incorporate this data in the same paragraph as Japan and Canada's life expectancy, adult literacy, etc. The same premise applies to the rest of this paragraph. It will make the overall presentation of your data more cohesive.) The life expectancy at birth in these two countries which are Peru and Zaire were quite low, 51 and 47 only. The daily calorie supply per person of two countries were also terrifying, Peru was recorded as 1927 and Zaire even worse, which is 1749. It seemed like Peru's adult literacy rate equaled to two Zaire combined, which was 68 percent.

-----------------

Best of luck! :)

Undergraduate / Bard College Berlin transfer - how becoming bilingual changed my life [2]

Hello! First, to answer your question about the length. If the minimum is 250 words, ideally I would try to keep this type of essay between 250-500 words. While 1200 words is likely too much and there are several areas you can reduce, it will mean removing much of the background information, which I feel does enhance why you feel drawn to Bard College. So, I have made a few suggestions on how you reduce your word count without taking away from the impact you want to make. This will leave the essay around 1000 words. If you still need to reduce the word count, I would suggest further reducing the paragraph detailing when you first went to Germany.

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Full of cultural and historical richness, Berlin is the perfect backdrop for any education - butand what Bard College Berlin offers is unique. I am excited about the Politics, Economics, and Social Thought BA. - iI t is an opportunity offered nowhere else, and a community that I sincerely hope to be a part of. It is as though the adventure of my life thus far has all been preparation for Bard Berlin. (I would consider removing the last sentence.)

In high school I was filled by an overwhelming urge to escape the confines of a small mountain town and see the world. After graduation I enrolled at Hampshire College in Amherst, Massachusetts for its . I chose Hampshire for two reasons: the first was theirits loose structure and design-your-own major program, and the second was that it was the furthest away from home. However, aA fter a semester at Hampshire it became clear that it was not the right fit for me. I chose Hampshire because I did n't not yet have a concrete idea of my plan plans in life , and the creatively designed yet unfocused classes did not help me to discover an interest as I had hoped. I wanted to experience another side of life, and go back to school when I had a clear understanding of what I wanted to pursue. And that is how I ended up spending fourteen of the most rewarding months of my life in Frankfurt, Germany.

When my grandparents invited me to fly to Germany to celebrate their sixtieth wedding anniversary with them in September 2013, it began a whirlwind of events. I was slowly becoming aware not only of a second language, but a new world and a way of life was opening its pages to me. I felt incredible momentum, but exposure alone wasn't enough:. I enrolled myself at an intensive language school in Frankfurt. I was the only native English-speaker in my class. In a room full of students from every place imaginable - Ukraine, Brazil, Switzerland, Bangladesh - I was overwhelmed by the staggering acceptance with which I was received. I discovered not only a lifelong passion for languages, but also lifelong friends from around the world. Although the grammar was difficult at first, after long hours of study, I felt even the most difficult declensions slowly beginning to fall into place. Grammar is easy to study and learn; however it is the practical use of a language - understanding not only how it is formally structured but how people on the street speak, the graces associated with certain situations, the slang, dialects, and accents - that is the real challenge. And that was my favorite part - the part that finally set me on the path to discovering a passion that made me wake up each morning excited for another day. True to my pattern, I planned on one month at the institute - and stayed five, completing the C1 exam.

After I graduated from the institute, I moved into an apartment in Frankfurt-Sachsenhausen., overlooking South Station and a quick jog from the peaceful banks of the Main River. In my continued quest for an exciting, international environment, I and started working at the Frankfurt International Airport, . I welcomed the challenge of a new kind of immersion - an immersion in the professional and corporate world, where I was a cog in the wheel of the largest employer in the state of Hessen. I was forced to function in my second language at a much higher level - employee manuals, schooling, interpersonal relations, and chain of command all in German allowed me to attain a new level of fluency and competence.

My experience in Frankfurt has allowed me to concrete my interests and dreams into a tangible goal. : Aa plan to continue to pursue my linguistic ardor. - I want to be an interpreter for the United Nations, the European Union, or another organization where I can put language to work to change the world, to affect social change. I believe linguistics can be applied to human rights issues - . afterA fter all, the most effective way to create lasting change is to understand the people and the culture, to devise a way that the people themselves can create a lasting difference; and the most basic mechanism of understanding is language. One must understand the situation and the existing forces that have caused an issue to occur - what social, economic, and political conditions have caused a human rights issue such as female infanticide in India and China, or honor killings of women in the Middle East, to become widespread. And the key to understanding cultural and socioeconomic landscapes - at its very base level - are the people's words.There is a human aspect to language; that Google translate will never be able to comprehend - to every word there are social and cultural connotations, and one must perceive the whole picture to understand completely.

And this is why I want to pursue a degree in Politics, Economics, and Social Thought at Bard College Berlin. The program combines all of the aspects important to me: - politics and economics are quintessential to understanding macro issues, and social thought essential to the individual level as well as the world scope. With a liberal arts education that takes into consideration the human aspect, combined with the hard science of economics and a defining understanding of international politics, a Bard College Berlin education is the perfect springboardfoundation . After Bard College Berlin I plan to continue on to graduate studies in Linguistics or Translation and Interpreting Studies, and Bard's offering of a dual American and German Bachelor's Degree is where I hope to begin the journey. I am a dual citizen, German and American, and it has been difficult to decide whether to pursue an American bachelor here in the states or a German degree - both countries are a part of me, a part of my home. With the advantages of both degrees I would be one step closer to achieving my aspirations, while staying true to myself. An American-style liberal arts education set against the backdrop of Berlin, offering not only a dual degree but an academic program that would allow me to develop the thorough awareness of the world and its institutions, necessary to continue on towards my dream - that is why Bard College Berlin motivates me.

Undergraduate / 'I always perceive the grass was greener on the other side' - UW-Madison [2]

Overall, the tone of the essay is unlikely to resonate well with the person who will be reviewing. It comes across as obnoxious and over-bearing. While I believe I understand the underlying message (teaching children the importance of respect, values, hard work, appreciation, etc. in a world that caters to and babies versus assists in teaching maturity), the importance of the message is lost in the paragraphs of urban words and phrases. Further, it doesn't fit the initial prompt: Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you.

I recommend starting over. If scouting is what is important to you, focus on why it is important and what positive attributes YOU have to offer those under your supervision. In its current form, the essay isn't what one would expect from a potential transfer student and will be unlikely to prompt an acceptance. At the very least, it will make the reviewer examine his/her own parenting--but not from the view you intend. Instead, they are likely to question and hope their own child's athletic (or other) supervisor/counselor isn't calling their child a brat behind their back.

Graduate / Essay on professional objectives after graduation - what we ought to do with our lives? [2]

Hello! Good opening! I recently counseled a high school student who used a similar opening in a college essay and the reviewers were impressed.

After examining the ideas of my ambitions and vocation, my professional objective is to become an " Environmental pP olicy aA dvisor" with focus in environmental policy research. I am planningplan to lead a team in conducting research on new methods of devising effective policies that are responsive to our particular needs and constraints.

I've contemplated over the position I want to occupy, and while nothing is set in stone(try to avoid idioms; maybe replace "set in stone" with "established") , I do have a general idea of what I want to do and where I want to be in a decadeten years .

The financial support will be essential to my studies since I will not be worried about paying tuition fees .

You have mentioned some excellent goals that I hope are successful. :)

Letters / I used Gant Chart and histogram highlighting the forecasted completion date of project' key areas [2]

Hello! Your letter contains a few structural needs, but overall you've done well in getting to the point in a clear and concise manner--something prospective employers appreciate.

Dear whom it may concern,:

Consider opening with a thanks type of introduction. For example:
I appreciate the opportunity to submit my CV (or whatever you are submitting) for consideration for the position of Junior Structural Engineer at XXX.

I am pleased to express my interest in pursuing a career for Junior Structural Engineer position at XXX. The skills and knowledge required to enterfor the Junior Structural Engineer position perfectly matcheswith my qualities as outlined in the enclosed resume. (Consider removing "perfectly", as this is impossible and comes across as over-confident.)

During my most employment at XXX, I have developed my practical experience of assessing and inspecting the engineering works in the field.
This information allowed to bringing back the project theto be brought back onto the original schedule.

I believe I am a strong candidate for this position and would welcome an opportunity to meet with you in person to discuss about my skills and qualifications.

Thank you again for your time and consideration.

Good luck with the job!! :)

Speeches / (My daily activities) - introduction for speech class [3]

Hello! You have some interesting hobbies, and I love that you speak several languages!

When looking at your intro, the biggest issue is run-on sentences and too many phrases in a single sentence. There is an excessive overuse of commas when phrases should be single sentences. I've explained below using your first paragraph.

Hello ,I amhH asan from mM orocco ,.

The phrasing and sentences are awkward here.

I'm taking a computer science as a major, I have done an associate of degree in my country which was a computer networking , and this semester is going to be the third semester at Ccac , I have left one more semester to graduate then transfer either to California university or university of Pittsburgh. I would like to give you a brief about my self ,my, background , my interest and my goal .

It is better to start this sentence in a way that introduces your associates degree and then add that you are pursing your bachelor's as a computer science major. For example, After obtaining my associates in computer networking, I enrolled as a computer science major. This will be my third semester at CCAC. After I graduate, I plan to transfer to either California University or the University of Pittsburgh.

Then open the next paragraph with information about yourself, your background, interests, and goals.

Remember, try to use concise sentences. Simple is better and conveys what you want to your audience to know in a way that captures their attention.

Last, I am not sure what you mean by "droning" so you might want to clarify or chose another word. :)

I believe no one can possibly achieve any real and lasting success or "get rich" in business by being a impatient or droning.

Writing Feedback / Rational leader or mindless lunatic? Hero or a traitor? Louis Riel essay [2]

Interesting paper!

There are few run-on words (no space in between) and issues with dates (e.g. October 22nd 1844 should be October 22, 1844). A few words should be capitalized (e.g. Fort Gary and Thomas Scott).

Pay close attention to sentence structure and fragments.
For example:

You wrote: "The Place young Riel first impacted was very close to home, in fact it was his home. The Red River Settlement situated on what is now downtown Winnipeg."

Better: The place young Riel first impact was very close to home; in fact, it was his home--the Red River Settlement situated on what is now downtown Winnipeg.

You wrote: "When the Canadian government sent surveyors to organize the territory into sections and townships as preparation for the expected inrush of new settlers, the Metis feared they would be dispossessed."

Better: When the Canadian government sent surveyors to organize the territory into sections and townships in preparation for the expected influx of new settlers, the Metis feared they would be dispossessed.

Double check word usage such as:

...over Rupert's land for it was... should be "...over Rupert's land since it was..."

...over the Northwest Territory including Red River Colony... should be "...over the Northwest Territory, including Red River Colony..."

These aren't all of the areas you need to double check but this will give you a starting point. When you go back over these things, you'll have a great paper!

Writing Feedback / Using animals as a tools. Animals' right regulation has generated a great deal of discussions. [3]

One thing that stands out is the overuse of what some phrases (e.g. because, am, small, make, many, more, some, do, great, going, take, use, want, is, any, keep, are, help, but, So).

You will also want to correct grammar errors, specifically the following. I have put the incorrect phrase/word following by the correct phrase or word in parenthesis in the order they appear in your essay:

cow but (cow, but)
in (of)
humanism (humane)
animal (the animal, an animal, animals)
to (for)
humans' (human)
on (for)
to (for)
beneficial purpose (a beneficial purpose)
more likely (most likely)
green idea (green ideas, a green idea)
humans' (human)
human being (human beings, the human being, a human being)
environment (the environment)
environmental (the environment, environment)

Other than that, you will want to adjust some vocabulary use to meet the level of your target audience whether academic or professional. Overall, you have a strong argument for both sides. Once you correct the grammar issues and strengthen your sentences, you'll be set! Good job :)

Writing Feedback / Telecommuting suits only to devoted workers, who know how to manage their time and personal life. [3]

Interesting prompt! The first thing that stands out when reading the essay is the grammatical errors and sentence structure. The context is fine. It just needs to be worded better, stronger.

I suggest, for example, an opening sentence such as:

As telecommuting has become more popular in many countries, one might question the reasons for this growing phenomena.

From there you will want to lead in with the reasons or benefits of working from home as they apply to both the worker and the employer.

Pay close attention to typos or grammar errors such as "It's not a secret that when an employee work..." Should be "works". Also check for spacing between sentences and run-on sentences. For example, "One more reason is bad air conditioning in the offices, at home one can have control over his or her working environment." Instead, I suggest: "Because some office environments have poor air-conditioning, working at home allows the employee or contractor to control his or her working environment."

If you go through and look close at each sentence and apply the suggestions, you should have a great essay!

Undergraduate / "You're a 7th grader now. You need to be responsible for your schoolwork" "Why Brown?" essay [7]

Unique opening -good job!

Suggestions:
Spell out "seventh grader"

In the second paragraph, remove "night" as you've already established this in the opening statement. You've made an excellent phrasing choice: "withdrawal from micro-managing".

"In giving me the power" should be "By giving..." (When unsure a phrase is correct, consider how it would sound at the end of the sentence. If it isn't smoothly interchangeable, then it should be changed.

Paragraph five: consider changing "just as" to "while"

Last paragraph, "In studying" should be "By studying"

Overall, your message is clear and interesting. The reader of this essay will be enticed to read from beginning to end, no doubt.

Writing Feedback / The children in my family have always had different expectations depending on their gender. [2]

In terms of sentence structure, flow, and clarity, try not to rely on too many prepositional phrases. An example of this is in the first sentence of paragraph three.

Also, be clear on why the men were expected to leave the vicinity during a celebration. Is it a cultural or traditional meaning behind the males being separate from females during celebrations? Many families use celebrations as a time to be together, so explain why this is different in your family.

Clarify the first sentence. How have the children had different expectations? Or, do you mean that adults expect different things from the children based on the child's gender?

You might want to consider an opening sentence such as: "In my family, the roles of children and adults differ by gender." Then lead into why the roles differ and ways that they differ.

In your second paragraph, give the examples such as Aunt Albina's comment and how the children reacted to her. Also, remember to capitalize aunt when preceding a proper noun.

In the third paragraph, sum up what you explained previously and how you feel about the gender differences in your family.

Good luck! :)

Graduate / Helping pregnant women and babies - postbaccalaureate prehealth essay [2]

Overall, you have crafted a well-written essay. You have a strong grasp of how to use phrasing to strengthen points and convey ideas/messages. Awesome job!

Recommendations begin with the second and third sentences in the first paragraph. I suggest simplifying and combining the two sentences, instead of starting the third sentence with "this lead".

You might want to add a comma and "leading to a stringent...". Also, I don't recommend using names in this type of essay. Instead: "Weighing only three pounds, the baby spent..." or "The baby weighed three pounds and spent..." would be a better choice. In the third paragraph, change "strengthened" to "strengthen".

Further suggestions:

Graduate / Issue 108/110; Critical judgment of work in any given field has little value unless.. [3]

The major issues deal with using passive voice and complex expressions. In the first paragraph, consider changing the word "abolutization" as it comes across as being too complex and distracts from the points you are trying to make. Also in the first paragraph, the phrase "Any conclusion may fall into biased" should be reworded as one cannot fall into bias-one can become biased.

The opening sentence is too jumbled and confusing: "In the contemporary era of rapid social and technological change leading to increased complexity in every single aspect of any area, critical judgment from professional or amateur perspectives is now facing both appreciation and challenge."

Many sentences contain incorrect and/or unnecessary words (e.g. which lead to that people), while others seem to be missing words (e.g. ... call for critical judgment by someone may not be...).

In the second paragraph, there are several errors. A couple of examples:
"...who have devoted literarily countless time and energy..." (should be "literally"; however, the overall sentence structure is cumbersome).
"Newton did not studies..." (should be study).

What you are trying to convey becomes confused by the sentence structure. Consider simplifying your sentences to make them flow seamlessly and be sure that the ending sentence in one paragraph and the first sentence in the next transition well.

Graduate / The summer I turned 18, I held my first job at the USAFA; MS in Finance Application Essay [4]

Your experiences and goals are impressive. When reading your responses to each essay prompt, the first thing that stands out is lack of clarity and flow. You want to be as concise as possible while inserting the most prominent details--those details that attract the reader's attention and make them have to continue reading. Several sentences throughout can be combined and strengthened to both reduce space and drive your points home. In response to the first prompt, consider the following example to see how the words flow and the impact is stronger.

Prompt 1: Sentences can be combined for clarity. For example:
When I turned 18, I obtained my first job at the USAFA, where I worked full-time while saving for college. My parents recognized my work ethic and interest in budgeting and rewarded my efforts by matching my E-Trade ROTH IRA earnings. I have continually developed my knowledge for the trade, which has motivated my desire to pursue an MS in Finance and Risk Management and my desire to purse a BA in Economics. Having a tiered knowledge of economic markets and financial analytics, I am confident in my ability to navigate the complicated world of finance. While pursuing an MS, I will also work to obtain a certification in financial planning. My goal is to become a well-respected financial advisor. I aim to work with mid-size investments within a large-scale financial firm within the first 5 years after graduating.

Using these techniques in your other responses will result in strong responses that capture and retain attention.

Undergraduate / I appreciate these three little words: "Vires," "Artes," and "Mores" [2]


I would be sure to note in the opening the meaning of Vires, Artes, and Mores (strength, skill, character) for those who don't know the translation. Perhaps, an opening such as:

Vires, Artes, Mores. These three little words, fifteen letters, have such a huge meaning. I get my strength (vires)... and continue forward with each initial mention of the defined word.

Good essay! It's clear that your greatest strengths have been cultivated through your family closeness. :)

Undergraduate / "What, are you kidding? I'd never get in there" - Vassar supplement [2]

Great use of imagery! When reading about places and how the writer views a particular place, getting the imagery right is difficult. You've done well here. The suggestions I have relate to improving the structure and avoiding overuse of adjectives unless critical the sentence. I've made a few suggestions in the uploaded screenshot of your first paragraph. When the reader finishes the last word, you want them to think one or two things: "Wow, I see why they chose Vassar!", or "I've got to check Vassar out!".

Best of luck!

• 
  Vassar.JPG
  

Undergraduate / Running a mile into the UC 2015 Prompt! [4]

Good points and wow...I couldn't run the laps you ran and I don't have asthma!

Overall, your points are clear. You open well, precise, and clearly. However, be careful when using too many phrases and clauses as they can become overly jumbled and confuse the reader. I made a few suggestions to the first paragraph (see the attached screenshot). Also, remember to spell out words like 7th (seventh) unless it is part of a street name or other formal use.

Great essay in terms of the story you are trying to convey. You just need to adjust grammar and the flow of words and you'll win this one!

• 
  First paragraph suggestions
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS school non academic subjects assist in physical development and learning important life skills [2]

First, I want to say you've made a strong point in your essay. There are some areas you can tighten. I've made recommendations below. Also, if you are allowed to cite in this eassy, I recommend adding supporting literature to these specific sentences:

It is said(Avoid starting sentences like this. that academic studies help to enhance knowledge of the students in various subjects, but, at the same time, it makes one to become a bookworm and lose touch with the outside world.The preceding sentence contains an excellent point that can be strengthened by first tightening the wordage and then adding supporting literature. For example, children who do exceptionally in studiesexcel in academics are more likely to be mediocre in physical activities and sports, with few exceptions. ThisAvoid starting sentences with "this," "that", "these," and/or "it." produces imbalanced growth and affect children at a later stage.

As I said above, your point is clearly understand. The fully essay will be stellar when you tighten the flow of words, avoid use or overuse of the "th-" words and "it" and cite literature that supports your opinion.

Great job! As a parent, I not only agree with your opinion but have witnessed the benefits of a well-rounded academic and extra-curricular schedule.

Writing Feedback / Scandals can only be solved by a combined effort of all the people of the society - GRE essay [2]

Overall, the essay's main point is clear. It needs some attention given to correcting grammar and a few typographical errors (e.g. using "the" twice in a row in the second paragraph). In the 3rd paragraph, you have an excessively long sentence. While it has good points, it should be simplified, which is best done by revising the information into two succinct sentences. In the 4th paragraph, "which" should be "that". You also have an incomplete sentence: "This tendency of the humans makes them vulnerable to ." Avoid starting sentences with "this", "that", or "these". The 5th and 6th paragraphs have some grammar and punctuation errors. I also suggest using a different word in paragraph 6 as "preaches" doesn't elicit the psychological impact/investment you want to attract and retain from your reader.

In its current form, I rate the essay 4 on a scale of 1-6. The theme of the essay is clear but there are areas for strengthening and, as explained, correcting grammar and punctuation errors. :)

Dissertations / Ph.D. topic in Computer Science (working as lecturer) - Image Processing or Neural Networks [11]

Hello! You mentioned writing and publishing. First, are you want to publish as a journal article and are you seeking a coauthor? I want to be sure I understand. Do you have topics in mind? Artificial intelligence is an interesting and hot topic, but would need an angle that has not been over-represented already. Another topic that is even more interesting is database systems in a world where virtually all processes are electronic and automated, e.g. how database systems help business when used with multiple platforms or tools such as customer account system access on multiple devices. Of course, these are only a few suggestions. I will watch for your reply and am happy to help in providing information or advise on how you can proceed based on your clarification of what you actually need/seek. :)

Writing Feedback / Experience plays an important role in our lives and teach us valuable lessons which help us succeed [5]

I have included a few corrections and examples below. Attached is a screenshot of edits to the paragraph that begins with "First of all". It sounds like you learned a valuable lesson and certainly one that others could learn from as well. : )

Experiences help us improve and progress in our lives. We learn a lot from things we experience during our lifetime. They teach us different aspects of life whichthat makes us more mature and smarter in dealing with problems, hardships, and in decision making.

Personally, I agree with the statement that most experiences in our lives that seemed difficult at the time become valuable lessons.andI provides two examples to illustrate this.

First of all, I recall during my third year of graduation from dental school in New Delhi. We were introduced to clinical work and were allowed to work on patients. I was very weak in practical work of a subject called prosthodontics, which deals with fabrication of dentures. The procedure compromisedcomprised many steps, starting fromwith making a model of patients oral cavity to fabrication of denture and took around 15 days for completion.

ee the attached screenshot for edits to the full paragraph. Also, be sure to spell out the numbers 1-9. Numbers from 10 and up can be written in numerical form.font :)

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Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Drivers have to pay a fee for driving in Rush Hour [4]

In the first paragraph, change "started" to "starting" and removed "the". The correct sentence should read: Starting in the late eighteenth century, industrialization, and urbanization witnessed the explosion in number of automobiles. However, there should be clarification at the end of the sentence. Number of automobiles? What does this mean? When considering your topic, one would assume this would mean the number of automobiles on the streets, but it still should be stronger. Also, in the second sentence, open with "oil" with "the very fuel they rely on" as the explanatory clause. See the attached file with editorial comments. : ) In the first paragraph, change "started" to "starting" and removed "the". The correct sentence should read: Starting in the late eighteenth century, industrialization, and urbanization witnessed the explosion in number of automobiles. However, there should be clarification at the end of the sentence. Number of automobiles? What does this mean? When considering your topic, one would assume this would mean the number of automobiles on the streets, but it still should be stronger. Also, in the second sentence, open with "oil" with "the very fuel they rely on" as the explanatory clause. See the attached image with editorial comments.

Castigating means criticizing and, of course, critics criticize. Choose a different word instead of critics. Perhaps, opponents.

The last sentence of the first paragraph is not needed. You summed up your argument in the previous sentence and the paragraphs that follow support your argument.

The last sentence of the second paragraph doesn't fit at all. I suggest you remove it.

Use my previous comments and the attached impage to take a closer look at the rest of your essay. Be careful to use correct words and grammar. When possible, simplify sentences as doing so will strengthen the points you are trying to make. :)

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