Writing Feedback / "leader is like the captain in a boat"; what is the most important qualities of a person who guides? [2]

Please allow me to offer some advice before I grade your essay :-)

- You can strengthen this introduction by mentioning some notable and historic leader names. For example, I would say : Thatcher,Kennedy, Churchill, Truman, Macarthur. These are last names that immediately call one image into mind, leadership. Throughout history people like them were the ones who led the world from times of war and strife to times of progress and development. These are some of the notable historical names that embody the best leadership qualities to be found in people.

- Instead of immediately launching into a statement, I think you would do well to first introduce the topic of the paragraph. For instance, you could say: Aside from the bravery and courage displayed by the aforementioned people, a true leader must be first and foremost, trustworthy.

- A trustworthy leader is loyal to the people of his country and beholden in political and economic favors to no one.
- A leader must clarify situations and never betray his people who have trusted him to lead them... 1920's, an era when the United States was looking for a solid and trustworthy leader to guide the country out of a financial mess.

- His strong and clear handling of the situation proved that he was a true leader who was an expert in sound governance.


- A leader must be faithful. He must be a person with a conscience that will help him be strong in the face of corruption. Corruption can destroy nations through civil war caused by economic problems and a rise in terrorism when the governance of a nation is weak.


- A leader...

- A charismatic leader knows how to turn any leadership disadvantage into an advantage. They know how to turn enemies into fragile friends or silent opponents. George Washington and John F. Kennedy are examples of successful charismatic leaders who helped bring peace to their nation and built the image of their nation as a strong leader in the international community.


- Winston Churchill went to his hometown of ... after a school was bombarded to deliver a speech... .. remain strong, optimistic, and never give up...


-unless he has the trust of his crew and passengers, has faith in himself and the people around him, and is strong willed and charismatic enough to get his ship the help it needs to get to shore.

Overall, this is an essay that successfully answers the prompt. Although there are grammatical and punctuation errors, those mistakes do not diminish from the thoughts and sentiments that you provided. Even though some of your sentences were confusing, the essence of your message was there. Therefore, out of a total score of 12, if I were the examiner, I would give this essay a 10.

I hope you don't mind the suggestions and changes I made to your sentences and paragraphs. I meant those to serve as your guide in revising and further strengthening this essay :-)

Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

Hi Leigh, Let me see if I can help you out here.


- My decision to study ... at XYZ University... stemmed from the results of my research into the Korean universities that best represent the country's academic... across many educational institutions.

- I see a conflict of interests here. You should not mention that you have applied to more than one university in any statement that you write. These universities do not care about that. More likely, the admissions officer will regard your application as a nuisance application instead.


- Which school are you talking about?


- Do you have any clinical or research results to add to this paragraph that will prove your claim?


- I am looking forward to learning from the Korean leaders in the field and I am also excited about developing an exemplary academic career during my stay in Korea.


- Don't make promises you cannot keep. The admissions officer is not interested in student promises. All this sentence does is present you in a negative light because you are saying you used to do that but won't anymore.


- and networking...
- Aside from that one word deletion and spelling correction, this is a strong sentence that shows how you plan to represent yourself as a student at the university.


- ... pursue my dream and use ...

While there are still portions of this essay that can be developed to a great extent, you did very well in delivering the idea of what you want to say in your essay. Just remember as you revise this paper that you are trying to sell yourself as an excellent candidate for the university and should therefore play up all of your strengths and avoid mentioning (potential) weaknesses. Good luck with your revision. I know the next version will be even better :-)

Writing Feedback / All kinds of medical health expenditures should be borne by the government; do you agree or not . [6]

I'm more than happy to do that for you. Let me get started with ;


- It is a well knownfact that the government...


- Currently, there is an ongoing debate as to whether the government should take full responsibility for paying the medical health expenses of its citizens.


-There are many strong reasons to support this public sentiment.

- The reasons people usually want the government to support their health expenses boils down to poverty, a limited income ,andlack of insurance


- Avoid using sentences that do not help inform the reader. This sentence also deviates from the essay prompt as this refers to disease research.

- In the rural areas, medical services can only be provided by the government due to small population counts that do not entice big medical companies to come in and build hospitals. Government intervention in that area will also prevent the private health clinics from gouging their patients in terms of charges.

- Though there are benefits to having a wholly subsidized healthcare system, I believe that having the government shoulder all the medical expenses for the public also has its drawbacks. First of all, the public will no longer feel responsible for their health or leading a healthy lifestyle because they don't have medical expenses to worry about.


-Patients may also suffer from misdiagnosis more often because of the full healthcare subsidy because the doctors will want to just keep charging the patient for as long as the patient has an existing medical subsidy allowance. This would deplete government funding and cause a literal health care crisis for the citizens of the country.

-That is why I believe that having the government shoulder all health expenses for the public will only bring negative results. The health of the public is an individual responsibility. Therefore, each person must be responsible for his or her own healthcare. The Government should only subsidize a portion of healthcare using public taxes. Totally shouldering the expenses only in special cases such as indigent patients and aged people.

I hope you won't mind that I rewrote, deleted, and edited your sentences. I did that just to show you how you could made a stronger statement using certain sentence structures and keywords. I hope that my advice can help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / "Transportation in Surabaya - my hometown" - essay for replacement test of IALF [3]

It is hard to review your paper without knowing what the prompt is. Kindly provide the prompt so that I can better understand the requirements of the paper. However, even without the prompt, I can see that the paper needs major help in the grammar department due to numerous grammatical errors. Then there is the problem of thought coherence within the paragraphs. The sentences are too short to be considered paragraphs. A paragraph needs at least 3- 5 sentences minimum in order to discuss an idea. You need to lengthen your paragraphs and develop the ideas that you present more. Of course if there is a word count limit on the paper, that will totally change the way I will review the paper. I suggest that you provide the prompt before I provide more comments on your paper so that I will be able to address the requirements of the prompt in reference to your essay. Thanks :-)

Writing Feedback / ielts: private citizens, businesses and governments play equally roles in protecting the environment [2]

First and foremost, you must lengthen your introductory statement. It is too short and does not totally inform the reader about the prompt and what you plan to discuss in the succeeding paragraphs. Remember to give an overview of your opinion and what evidence you will be presenting to justify your statement.

Here are some of my suggestions to further improve the content of your essay:


- This sentence can be improved by saying: It is widely believed that the government is tasked with the duty of protecting the environment. This is because the public is not as aware as the government of the environmental problems that affect our society.


- ... the government... system of ... influence, and regulate the actions of the business and individuals in a country in relation to their carbon footprint and environmental impact.

- at this point, you can insert a statement saying that while that is true, public corporations, due to the nature of their business, are also aware of their environmental responsibilities. Give some samples to illustrate.


- by the governments , corporations, and private citizens...


- Don't deviate from the original prompt. Stick to local and national government participation only.


- This statement does not help the paragraph progress. Every sentence must contain either additional information or evidence to support your claim.



- Humans ...


- These days...


- Nature is threatened by ...



- ... the government, private citizens. and businesses cannot refuse to protect and rebuild an environment that they destroyed.


- ... the full support and cooperation of the government, private citizens, and businesses.

I hope that my comments and suggestions will be able to help you further enhance the content of your paper :-)

Graduate / 'My interest in Energy' - statement of purpose; University of Texas, Austin [5]

- Don't lecture the admissions officers on a topic that they are already more than familiar with. Find another way to introduce your passion for the course you are applying for.


- This could be a very good introductory statement.


- I developed an interest in Petroleum Engineering through my studies in Thermodynamics where I in turn, learned about the...


- You are lecturing the screening officer again. Bad idea.


- You have a tendency to lecture your reader, you have to avoid coming across as a know it all in the eyes of the admissions reviewer.

- While courses in Kinetics (continue the list of courses) helped me learn...


- This is a strong statement. Don't weaken it by assuming you might not get in.


Overall just a few corrections and revisions are necessary to further strengthen you already strong statement of purpose. I look forward to reading your 2nd draft :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]


- ... part of this agency. I believe that working in a position within the agency walls will provide me with ...
- Just a slight correction there. I would also suggest that rather just delivering that simple statement, you try to enhance it with your visions of how you will be able to develop and independent research career there. Are there any notable persons there that you look forward to working with? Tell who they are and why you look forward to crossing paths with them. What legacy do you hope to leave with the agency when you move on to your independent career? You need to let them know that you intend to creating a lasting impression at the agency should they eventually allow you to work there.


- This then becomes your closing statement.

See if these changes work better in your opinion :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Type of temper and advantages of individual work as best arguments in favor of studying alone [8]

I like the way that you wrote this essay even with its grammar problems. You understood that the prompt asked you to address the whole essay in a first person pronoun (I me, mine, my). So you response and supporting reasons were very much on target. But like i said, there were a few grammatical errors that, when fixed, can help enhance your response. Here is what I found with the advice for correction included:


- ... nature of a person helps to determine whether he would work best with a group or as an individual.


- by nature an introvert,



- ... on a presentation with ...I separated from the group.. and prepared... half the work myself... acquainted with strangers.


- Working with a group meant very little work was getting done because of group disagreements. By working alone, I boosted my productivity. That was my nature and that was how I worked best.


- Working alone...


- are not an integral...



- situations such as time shortage ...


- participant in a


- rival's



- It is therefore my opinion that my aforementioned personal reasons strengthen my argument about the larger benefits of working and studying as an individual as opposed to a team.

I hope my comments and suggestions help you out :-)

Undergraduate / 'excellent links in the fastest growing industry' - Motivation Letter Aarhus University [2]

First of all, what was the prompt that you were given for this essay? It is necessary for you to provide the prompt so that a guideline will exist as reference for the content of your essay that will be reviewed.


- Do not use generalized comments like these to open an essay. Jump immediately to the second paragraph instead.


- I have come to the conclusion that my combined life experiences has led me to the path of Tourism and Hospitality as a career choice.


-... both as a staff member and in customer...


- ... took the initiative...


... a bigger project with the main.. communication barriers .


- ... meetings , ...


-... to the origin.


- That sentence did not help the paragraph to move forward. No new information was introduced.


- ... motivated student , I dedicated my time to the studies...


- . and pass on the ...


- work with a team.


- All of those experiences helped me to gain an early understanding of the tourism and hospitality field. I learned the importance of being able to assist strangers with their needs as they reside or visit a foreign country.


- by twice awarding me the Best...


- expand upon this comment in relation to the tourism industry.


- ... to form my desire ...


- ... because of my academic and interpersonal skills coupled with my vast work experience.

Sometimes cleaning up an essay is just a matter of correcting grammar and punctuation errors. Enhancing certain sentences also helps to drive your point home. I hope that the corrections and suggestions I made will help you do that for your paper :-)

Undergraduate / Hair, style and Fashion Merchandising - MY FIT ESSAY [3]


-... when I began studying fashion of all kinds in order to cover up what I saw as my physical imperfections.


- was my favorite...


- canc er


- this new course you are about to study is only to enhance and widen your current career capacity.


-... hard work, I graduated.Ready

I am not sure what the prompt is for this essay but I like what I have read in its totality. Aside from these few grammatical errors that I pointed out, you have written a very solid and competent essay. It would help in the further review of your essay though if you could provide the prompt so that I can see if the essay totally fits into it or if there is a need for you to add, delete, or revise any portion. But I hope these early comments help you out somehow :-)

Undergraduate / "From East to West" - Common App event/experience Essay [5]


- I believe that sentence is the key to using your moving experience to discuss your accomplishment, event, or transition to adulthood. You were a 7th grader when you moved. So that made you about 12 or 13 years in age right? So why not use the move to illustrate an accomplishment within the family? You said so yourself, you were spoiled, timid, and somewhat bratty at that age. Use those character traits of yours to exemplify how you impressed your parents by being the exact opposite once you had resigned yourself to the move? Portray yourself as cooperative, helpful, and accepting of your parents decision. Now, you can expand upon that by saying that this move marked an accomplishment on your part because you learned that you were not really helpless at all, you just needed a reason to become a part of the team. It also helped you to transition in the eyes of your parents from being a young brat, to becoming a responsible teenager whose parents were impressed by the fact that you got over your self-centered attitude in order to help accomplish a task that was not a whim, but a necessity for your family. Make up some information about how you changed as a person once the move was completed and that you were surprised by the sense of maturity and responsibility that you began to openly display. This kind of essay will show the admissions officers a side of you that will not be revealed in personal statements or personal interviews. It is this aspect of your personality that the essay wants you to reveal.

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]


- This sentence is too long.I also think there is a better way of saying this. Let me try to edit it for you: ... specializing in this field and doing further research in it. I am confident of contributing,,, I can become one of the leading experts in this field.


- Upon further review, I believe that the sentence lacks some punch. Try to add some information about why you are interested in working at the agency in the future. That should help give the paragraph more focus.


- I believe you could better say this sentence this way: my long term goal of becoming a noted innovator in the field of.. .


- by contributing original ideas...

Sorry about the additional edits. This is how you build a competent essay. You review, edit, and change the content a number of times until you are personally confident that the paper is the best it can be :-) I hope you don't get irritated at having to do extra work ;-)

Undergraduate / "The city that makes me a human" - Common App Essay 2015 [4]

Dubai can actually be of help to you in responding to the prompt of this essay. Talk about how you grew up in Dubai and have been heavily influenced by the culture and traditions that are uniquely Dubai. The idea here is to present yourself as the embodiment of the city and its human representation to the world. Discuss certain beliefs, customs, traditions, or something similar that only occurs in Dubai. Then explain that you believe those traits as you imbibed them from the living city and its resident, makes you special. Mention how without these traits, you would just be another person in the world, instead of a unique individual who looks towards the future, just like the city that you love the most. I believe that once you accomplish these tasks, you will have presented the admissions officer with a unique and engaging essay that describes a story that is central to your identity :-)

Graduate / 'inadvertent road' - Graduate admission essay for Master in Speech Language Pathology. [7]


- some evidence to prove this statement on your part will be quite helpful. It does not need to be very long but you need to mention something to prove that you have the passion to help people.


- You cannot apply to graduate school and tell the admissions office that you were never certain of the path you were going to take. This line alone will get this application thrown into the trash. Instead, portray yourself as always having known that this is the path you would end up in. Explain that you came to know about the SLP program while still in college and decided that it was the logical next step for you and why.


- This paragraph is a nice touch. In the portion where you mention some personal techniques, I suggest that you mention at least one of these techniques in order to show that you have the potential to become a future leader in this field, which will make a graduate degree even more important for you to have.

Your closing statement was just to short, bland, and non-informative. I am suggesting that you revise this statement using the comments that you have been provided with and see if there is a notable difference from the first to the second version. I know that there is a 300 word limit. But that is just a test of your thought coherence. As you revise the essay, you will find a way to say what you need to say using a few words as possible. Let's work on getting your message across to the admissions officer first and then work on cleaning up the grammar errors.

My best wishes to you as you revise the paper. That is, if you choose to do so :)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]


- I believe that you should drop that portion of the sentence. It is confusing.


- Sorry about that. I was supposed to highlight that part in blue because it is an insertion that I made in order to complete the thought and fix the flow of the paragraph.

I did notice that you made corrections based upon my suggestions. Now, about the grade. I thought that this was supposed to be a motivational letter? Why do you need it graded? Just the same, let me see if I can give it an appropriate rating. Keep in mind that I am not familiar with the grading rubic that will be used to judge the quality and content of the paper. So I am going to give it a conservative grade of 8. I based the grade on the coherence of the essay, grammar and punctuation usage, and the ability of the writer to develop an essay from a first person point of view. I hope my rating helps you out :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Media coverage of celebrities is having a negative effect on children. [9]

This is a good start to this essay. There is actually room for more discussion. Most specially in the 2nd paragraph where you were discussing the negative impact that the actions of celebrities sometimes have on children. That portion would have been helped tremendously if you mentioned some celebrities who acted negatively in real life and in the process, influenced their young fans towards negative actions as well. Explaining that the way that the children dress like gang members and talk tough and disrespectfully are attributes that they pick up from the way that the media presents this as a part of the celebrity's way of life and thus, is a good thing.

The paragraph about the publicized the positive effect of celebrities is pure genius on your part. The Angelina Jolie bit, is classic. But Bill Gates is not a celebrity in the true sense of the word so I would choose someone else for the male counterpart. Perhaps Leonardo Di Caprio? Look up his foundation. I know he also does a tremendous amount of charity work.

Now, the main problem of this essay is that, all though it is well written and you provided both sides of the argument, you forgot to take a personal stand on the issue by agreeing or disagreeing to the statement and explaining why. This could be done in the 4th paragraph of the essay. It is obvious that you support the stance that the celebrities have a positive effect on the children. I strongly suggest you present your personal reasons for believing so. Most likely by mentioning how a particular positively influenced you when you are at an impressionable stage in your life. Thus making that person a role model to you based upon the way the media covered the life of the celebrity.

Your last paragraph is also effective. But remember to restate the prompt and reiterate your thesis in the closing statement. Then your essay will be all set for grammar review :-)

Undergraduate / 'July 1999 I moved to America' - My immigration story; academic and career plans. [2]

I would like to say that you have a very well crafted essay here. Yours is a life filled with adversities that you have had to overcome and the fact that you performed well academically regardless of the obstacles is worth noting by an admissions officer. You have an uncanny ability to use your words to place the readers almost directly into the story that you are telling. More importantly, you know how to highlight events in your life and pick out the details that make it worth telling and admiring. These are the qualities that make this a wonderfully written and thought out essay. I can overlook any grammatical errors because of the moving words that you used in this essay. A simple rewrite of this essay with notes on correcting the grammatical errors will more than make this essay ready for submission to any university in the United States.Some rewording of your sentences will fix the grammar errors. I suggest that you read and revise the essay one more time in order to catch your mistakes and better express yourself in the areas where you feel that you can do so. Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / 'I wish to become a Lincesed Practical Nurse' - LPN entrance essay [10]

You need to learn to use more punctuation marks. Your sentences become hard to read because there is no portion for the reader to pause. The pauses, periods, are important because is delivers the meaning of the paragraph by allowing the reader a chance to pause and understand the paper. In its current form, your intentions are all strewn together in tremendously long sentences. Try to edit the sentences down using periods so that the essence of each paragraph will be fully understood. Take for example:


- I wish to become a nurse for many reasons. O ne of the biggest reasons I wish to become...
- See how that allows the reader to understand that you will be mentioning the reasons yo want to become a nurse?


- I assisted in caring for my grandmother during her battle with cancer. During that time...
- First you state a fact, then you state what you learned from the experience. Two separate but connected topics. Do you see the flow?


- just a grammatical correction there.


- ... for every type
- grammar correction


- and I will also be expected to use...


- Excellent. I would like to suggest an addition though which I believe will make the conclusion even stronger. You can say something to the effect that you will hold yourself personally accountable for the disposition of the patient during his stay under your care. So you will do you best to treat not only the illness, the patient as well by practicing holistic nursing approaches whenever necessary.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Reading books has more benefits in development of imagination and language skills [4]

It would have been better if your approached this essay from a comparison point of view since you already mentioned the emergence of television in the introduction portion. The essay I believe, would have flowed better if you compared the passiveness involved in TV watching where all information is spoonfed, thus the imagination is not even active when participating in television watching when compared to book reading. Since book reading invites the reader to use multiple senses and engage in 3 activities while reading. These activities are reading, comprehension, and imagination. Television viewing does not provide the same kind of stimulation in the people watching a story unfold before them.

You could end the essay by explaining that reading builds the vocabulary of children and encourages them to participate in other activities such as writing their own stories based upon what they just read, and teaches the readers lessons that they will not learn in school. Which is why reading truly does have more benefits when trying to build a person's vocabulary and imagination skills.

Writing Feedback / All kinds of medical health expenditures should be borne by the government; do you agree or not . [6]

There are grammatical errors that need to be corrected in the essay. However, I assume that this is the first draft and there is room to rewrite /revise the essay with regards to its content. The argument that you believe is somewhat shallow and very much cookie cutter in content. The introduction is too short and needs to be expanded. I would like to offer the following suggestions to help improve the overall content of the essay.

In the introduction, you can present the debate about the government should and should not shoulder all of the expenses related to the medical health expenses of the public. Mention that you will do a comparison of two systems, the system in Switzerland and England where the government shoulders all of the health expenses of the individuals, and the United States, where the government only partially shoulders the expenses. Talk about the public opinion about which form seems to work best. Then mention that at the end of the paper, you will present your opinion about why the government should only agree to shoulder the expenses to a certain degree.

You can present your personal opinion based on the discussion of taxes. People pay the government a certain amount of their fixed income every year in order to help the government function. Part of that money goes to maintaining the health sector of the government (hospitals, clinics, etc. that are government owned). Then say that although it would be nice for the government to shoulder all of the expenses, there is not enough government money to go around. So the government should only partially shoulder everyone's health expenses. You can expand upon this discussion with public opinions or personal experience with government hospitals that helped you in the past with health issues.

Finally, you can restate the prompt and reiterate your stance that you agree with the statement, but only to a certain degree.

I hope my suggestions for improving the content will help you out. After you revise the paper, we can look it over again and work on the grammar issues :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Children always follow their parents rules and techniques to save money for future planning [4]

I'd like to add my voice to this discussion by offering some advice as well :-) I believe that you could start off this essay by introducing how money is viewed by the financially privileged children of today, which is as an electronic currency. So the money does not seem real to them. They use atm cards, money cards, and credit cards to pay for their needs with their parents constantly keeping their money sources filled with their allowances. So the children have a different sense of what money is and how to use it. They see money as something magical that just appears to them. End the introduction by saying that, because of those reasons, parents need to teach children about money, it's value, why they have to save it, and how to save it.

Your succeeding paragraphs can concentrate on building up the evidence to support the reasons you previously stated. Remember to always indicate a personal opinion or experience relating to the reason you are discussing so that you are continuously voicing your personal opinion on the matter also. Finally, you can close the essay by restating the prompt and repeating your stance on the topic. The stance that you agree that parents should teach their children about the meaning, value, and importance of saving money.

Writing Feedback / "One more stab to the heart, one more reason to hate, one less reason to live" [4]

If I were the examiner who read this paper, I would give it an 8 based on the reasons that I gave above.I would also like to add a little more advice for you to consider. It is important in essays such as these to create a true sense of understanding for the reader. That is something that is usually accomplished by referring to your own experience regarding the prompt. So I believe that the essay prompt would be best served if you could also present a personal experience that relates to how you also have either memories that you try to forget about because it will not serve you any benefit to remember it while also having some memories that you often go back to as an inspiration to do better in the future.

Writing Feedback / Internet is just a tool based on different inventions such as the computer, electricity and language [5]

Let me clarify a a point of confusion when it comes to essay writing. A simple essay format is composed of a single page, double spaced, with 1-inch margins all around. It is composed of 250-300 words. Those are the number of words you can fit on one page. An essay is composed of paragraphs, not simple sentences. Each paragraph is required to contain a minimum of 3 - 5 sentences to be considered a complete paragraph. Each page can accommodate up to 5 paragraphs. The sentence count is up to you. As long as you have at least 3 sentences, you have a complete paragraph.

Each paragraph needs to have a completely developed and supported idea within. Since your paragraphs are extremely short, you were not able to provide that within your sentences. You need to develop the sentences in order to create cohesive paragraphs that will prove you fully understood the provided prompt. I hope my advice helps :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]

Here we go Tariq :-)


- greater. I...
- This is a statement of fact followed by a new sentence


- ... remember. The ...
- This is another statement of fact and should be individual sentences.


every living person today since communication plays a key...


- communication plays a key role... development of activities ranging from economic to international relations. It's a diverse field of ... work that ranges from basic circuit design...


- ... I have chosen a challenging yet interesting field of research...


- direction of sound arrival


- Don't tell them facts they already know about their own university.


- in becoming a part..
- Do not be obvious that you want to leave the country. Even if it is to gain better knowledge. Such a sentence could make the TUBITAK reviewer uncomfortable and insulted because it seems like you do not have enough confidence in the world class quality of their institution.


- my whole life for to achieve...



See if the corrections I did helps your essay to flow better as I believe it does :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet is just a tool based on different inventions such as the computer, electricity and language [5]

The main problem of this essay is that the paragraphs are too short. In order to have a complete paragraph you need a minimum of 3-5 sentences. While you present a number of valid ideas in support of your disagreeing stance, you neglected to discuss the side of the people who agree with the statement. It is important to discuss the agreeing side because as you mention their reasons for supporting it, you can also begin to disagree with their ideas in support of the internet as the most important invention ever. I believe that you can completely discuss this topic in 5 paragraphs. The first will be your introduction which presents the pro and con side. The second will be the side in support of the statement. The third, the side that disagrees with the statement. The fourth will be your personal opinion on the matter. The fifth will be the conclusion or restatement of the prompt and a reinforcement of your personal opinion. Written in this manner, the essay prompt will have been answered in a complete manner as all sides of the issue were discussed before your final opinion on the matter.

It would be best if your revised the paper at this point just to see how much better you can make the paper using the guide provided. Don't worry about the grammar problems. Once the content of the paper is fixed, the grammar will get fixed along with it :-)

Undergraduate / Describe one of your quirks and why it is part of who you are. UVA supplement [2]

That is definitely a good quirk. But the problem with the essay is that the first paragraph is jumping around and confusing the reader with no apparent reason. So I would suggest that you revise the paper by combining the contents of the second paragraph with the first paragraph or totally rewriting the essay. You need to mention right from the start what your quirk is and then give examples of it. For example: "I love learning about obscure information and then mentioning it to my family at the oddest of times." That could be the start of the paper, then you can mention a few of the quirky things you have quoted to your family and how they react to it for further effect. Believe me, what you have is a very strong and annoying quirk :-)

Graduate / "The right to happiness" - Speech Therapy Graduate School Statement of Intent [4]

You can use it but it will not present a strong picture of you as a candidate student if you cannot tie it in with your lack of experience in the field. If you did not experience it, how can you be an advocate of the occupation? You will have to mention it in such a way that it ties in with your lack of experience in the field. The difficult part of your essay will be providing enough information, even without relevant experience, that can prove to the admissions officer that you will make a good candidate for the major you chose. That is why I was advising you to tie it in with some sort of personal information. Telling them that you were influenced by a news article, television news report, or youtube video will not totally be acceptable because you are applying to a particular field of medicine. Any field of medicine that a person enters is considered a calling that is normally acquired through personal experience, having had to deal with the problem in the past and developing an advocacy for it.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Strict regulations can effectively reduce the problem of overfishing by large corporations [4]

For starters, your introductory paragraph is too short. You need at least 3 -5 sentences in each paragraph for it to be acceptable in an essay. Name some of the problems caused by over fishing and what the simple effects of the act are to expand the paragraph.

Now for the grammatical concerns:


- use lower case for words that are not actual names or acronyms.


- in which the ocean...


- which is now facing ...


- regulations regarding overfishing ...


- ... the impact on the ecosystem...


- created to aid the ailing...


Finally, I want to commend you on a well developed essay. This is one prompt that did not go unanswered. In fact, your essay is quite impressive as you obviously have a familiarity with the problem and the probably solutions to it. Aside from the grammatical problems, there is nothing about this essay that will get it a failing mark content wise. This would have a high grade if submitted for actual grade :-)

Writing Feedback / Increasing Crime And Solutions For Governments - IELTS task 2 [3]

Aside from some grammatical problems that I will offer corrections for, I have to tell you that I admire the work you did on this essay. Your writing shows a clear understanding of the prompt and that you gave ample thought to the question being posed before you wrote the essay. I know this essay will be written under time constraint so let me assure you that the essence of the essay was clear even with the time constraint. Now for the grammatical corrections:


- human society .


- ... the reasons are...


- non-violent offences


- of the population...


- ... of the population...



- for the jobless .


-... without at least a basic...


- shows that...


- ... problems, they can avoid committing crimes, and...

I hope you won't mind my grammatical suggestions which are highlighted in blue :-)

Undergraduate / Winter Reading and Dragons [2]

Unfortunately, your essay is quite disconnected. Since you started the essay speaking of reading Harry Potter books, that should have become the focal point of the essay. I was expecting to read something about a real achievement that you should be proud of that, although not significant to your academic career, would give an insight to who you are as a person. If you had managed to connect the book to something truly academic in learning, aside from finally finishing a book, this would be a very good essay. The truth is, this essay will not impress the adcom because there is nothing interesting about it. There is no real private achievement involved in what you did. What the adcom is looking for in the essay is information about your character as a person. What do you stand for? Honesty? Integrity? Morality? Do you have any personal experience in those areas? For example, you could talk about a time in your life when you found a wallet full of cash in the mall. In the wallet was the name of the owner and a phone number. You were tempted to keep the money and throw away the wallet because you were short on cash at the time. You struggled with what the right decision should be. Finally, you decided to call the owner of the wallet and give everything back intact. That is a story that shows strength of character, integrity, morality, and a decision making ability all at once. That is not a question asked in regular applications, but would interest the adcom to know because it proves that you are a person whose stand in life is something that the university can be proud of and support as well.

I hope my suggestion helps you out. You can use my suggestion as a guide for a revised essay if you wish :-)

Speeches / If you could improve your communication with ONE person in your life, who would it be? Why? [4]

nay0327, do you have a word limit on your speech? This is too short to be considered a full speech. A speech should be at least 2 minutes long. I believe that you can further lengthen your speech by explaining what happens because of the lack of communication between you and your husband and how that tends to frustrate you. You can further relate the things that you have done to try to correct the communication problem between the two of you and what the results of those efforts were. The finally, you can say something about how you will never give up on fixing your communication problem with your husband because you love each other and at the end of the day, communication problems aside, both of you cannot imagine living the rest of your lives with anyone else. I hope my suggestions can help you further improve your speech :-)

Writing Feedback / Ignoring what others' think and others' opinions is clearly the more successful path in life [9]

Ok. I already left feedback earlier about the shortcomings of your essay. I will not repeat it in great detail anymore but I will now give your essay a grade. Due to the problem created by your not answering the prompt provided and the grammatical errors that exist in the essay, if I were the examiner, I would give it a grade of 5. As I said in my previous post, you need to work on the essay prompt from a personal point of view because that is what the essay prompt is requiring. While it is a good essay, it does not properly answer the prompt and that is why I gave it that kind of rating. Of course the examiner will have a more accurate basis for grading your essay since he will be the one with the grading rubic so just use my rating as a guide for your continued improvement. Keep practicing :-)

Graduate / "The right to happiness" - Speech Therapy Graduate School Statement of Intent [4]

Don't be afraid to get creative with your personal statement. Get creative and make something up to relate to your experience with speech impediments. This can normally be the child of a neighbor, a friend, or a classmate. Relate it to the difficulties that people with speech impediments experience in life. A quick Google search should be able to help you do that. And then, relate how you spent time with that person and accompanied him or her to her speech therapy sessions once in a while. You can say that you were struck by way the occupational / speech therapists treated the patients with the kind of respect that the world could not give them because of their oral shortcomings. Seeing your friend (or whoever) improve over time due his treatment inspired you to want to become a speech therapist / occupational therapist as well. Now you can add the part about the psychological effect of the speech impediments on the person, connecting it to most of the thoughts that you presented in your second essay. Then in the next paragraph, you can start talking about yourself as a good candidate for the course and how you wish to help people with speech impediments worldwide in the future through the peace corps. Close it out with your beliefs about how the gift of speech should never be taken for granted and those who were born with oral difficulties should be helped because they too should be allowed to experience the wonderful world that can open up to them once they learn to speak properly.

I hope my suggestions help you out. Feel free to use it as your guideline or prompt in writing a new paper if you wish :-) Good luck !

Scholarship / What's your opinion of the claim that sometimes censorship is justified? [3]

Aside from a few grammatical errors, this is a well written essay. You are obviously familiar with not only the topic, but also the debate that surrounds it. That reflects clearly in your writing. You even remembered to discuss both sides of the issue in order to create a solid foundation for your opinion. I can only suggest though, that you present more recent examples of the disadvantages of censorship. While historical facts about censorship are good, you need to show that those views are still relevant in today's time. This will cement your opinion as the correct opinion in the sense of your paper and also remind the reader as to why modern day censorship should never be tolerated.

Writing Feedback / "One more stab to the heart, one more reason to hate, one less reason to live" [4]

The essay that you wrote was quite good. However, I believe that you can hit closer to home with your explanation as to whether"memories hinder or help people in their effort to learn from the past and succeed in the present?". You should approach this essay from two sides. The side that says it hinders the efforts of a person to succeed in the future and the side that says the memories help a person learn from the past to succeed in the future. For example, Oprah Winfrey has painful memories of her past that helped her become the person she is now. Then mention Justin Beiber as a sample of a person who remembers his past, but never used to improve himself in the future. Close the paper with your opinion on the matter. That will make for a solidly written essay that answers the prompt for sure :-)

Scholarship / My motivation came from the strong desire to help Vietnam's economy stronger and wealthier [3]

This essay needs a grammatical clean up. The tenses are wrong or the sentences are are poorly or badly constructed. But that is just part of the problem. The main problem is that the essay barely answers the prompt that was issued. Most scholarships look for a student who will give back to the scholarship and the United States before returning to his or her home country. You also need to mention specific academic and civic accomplishments or awards that are relevant either to the course you are taking or the scholarship you are applying for. The key to a good scholarship is letting the screening committee know that you embody the objectives and ideals of the scholarship. Talk about how you embody the scholarship ideals or how you were inspired by the scholarship to become a better person in the introduction. That normally helps to catch their attention.

The second paragraph can then explain how the scholarship can help you with your studies. Mention the names of some academic accomplishments you have. Then explain that you were told you have the potential for more as a student and was advised to study abroad to broaden your knowledge and intellect. But you are not financially capable at the moment so you need the financial help you continue your studies. Do not mention your parents being able to afford to pay for your education abroad. The committee will think that someone more financially in need should get the scholarship. Remember, scholarships are for deserving students who need help with their education. Not a financially capable student who just does not want his parents to spend on his education. The other scholarship applicants will be in strong need of financial help for really serious reasons such as working 2 jobs but still not being to afford an education etc. Remember, your education is your parent's responsibility, not the foundations that offer scholarships. So you need to find reasons to explain why you deserve the scholarship. Mentioning your financially capable parents is not good for your application.

Also, rather than mentioning that you will immediately go back to Vietnam upon completion of your studies, tell the committee instead about how you plan to give back to the American university, the community you lived in, and the scholarship for at least 5 years before returning to Vietnam to help build its economy. Remember, most universities and scholarships frown upon applicants who do not intend to help the country that will play host to them during their academic years. You need to let them know that you plan on helping or paying back the favor to the university and scholarship before you go back to Vietnam.

I hope you are not offended by my advice. I am only looking towards helping you improve what has the potential to be a very strong scholarship statement :-) It would help if you rewrite the essay using the guides I mentioned and then we can see if we can start working on fixing the grammatical errors and improving the sentence structure of the essay.

Undergraduate / '40 question paper' - describe an incident which led you to challenge yourself [8]

I was wondering if there is a word limit to this essay? It is quite short in content and cannot be considered a full essay at this point. A full essay is 250-300 words minimum. The topic that you chose to discuss is quite relevant to the prompt and should be further developed. I suggest that you discuss how you became fascinated by the questions being asked.Perhaps mention how you knew that you did not know the right answer to some questions but decided to test your knowledge anyway. Then explain how embarrassed you were to discover that you knew even less than you actually thought. This discovery then led you to strive to better yourself by pursuing an academic degree.

A few questions though. What are you planning to major in? It would help to let us know about that so that we can better structure the content of the essay towards explaining why you decided on that particular major. The information will help to further enhance the essay content as well because we can pinpoint the exact keywords that will hold the attention of the admissions officer as well. There are a lot more things we can do to further improve the essay content and grammar wise. We just need to know what direction the paper should be headed for :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]

Of course you can use the modifications I provided for you. It would certainly be easier than writing a new one. Follow the paper format that was provided to you in the essay instructions. Go ahead and revise it using the guide I gave you. We can work on cleaning it up some more once you have done that. To clarify, I don't want you to mention your GPA at all in the essay because your grades are not impressive and could negatively impact the impression of the admissions officer and instantly make him decide that you are not qualified for the program. I am just looking out for your welfare :-) We need to present you in the best possible way as a motivated student. I am looking forward to reading the new version.

Undergraduate / My name is Camp Horseshoe Scout Reservation - common app essay [5]

This is a well written essay. However, it fails to answer the prompt because you do not speak in first person pronouns (I, me, mine, my...). You should take everything that the camp is saying about you in this essay and rewrite it all in first person. This essay is all about you and your sense of contentment at a certain place. Speak for yourself. Be confident in what you have to say and how you say it. If you cannot express yourself in first person within this essay then the admissions officer will not read it to the end. Why? Because you obviously did not understand the prompt that instructs you to "Describe your experience there, and why is it meaningful to you?

You. That is the keyword. The answer to such a prompt is always in the form of me, myself, I, mine, etc. It cannot be related in a passive second voice like you do in this version. It cannot be second hand information given by someone else. You must relate the whole experience from your own memory and how you experienced it in order to make this essay work towards answering the prompt completely.

Use first the first person voice. I assure you, that will solve 99 percent of this essay's problems :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]

Tariq, the essay is way too long for an admissions officer to read. You spend too much time discussing your mother and grandparents at the start. That is a major turn off for the officer reading your essay. You should keep it short yet highly informative. 2 pages, double spaced at the most. Let me see if I can get you started off here. I would probably start the essay this way:

I have been fascinated by the world of science and technology as far back as I can remember... (Now tell a story about your first experience that can relate to the opening I made for you)

Move on to your academic accomplishments from there. Skip discussing your GPA and instead discuss your graduation project and how you have an ambition to have a science program eventually use it in the future. End it by mentioning that you need help in achieving that dream by attending the best academic institutions.

Now, close the essay by mentioning the opportunity you have to attend the graduate program. Mention what interests you about the program and what you feel you have to contribute to the betterment of its mission and objectives.


-Instead say, I have a strong desire to...

That will be end sentence of the essay. I hope my suggestions help you out :-) I look forward to reading the new version if you decide to write a new one.