Undergraduate / That day was shocking to many people, everything happened so slowly [2]

Hi Cmcontin! I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you with your Descriptive essay today. First, I'd love to applaud your deep descriptive language. You have some lovely word choices that engage the reader's senses and grab attention. Good for you!

I'd like to offer a lot of what I have to say inside your own text so I've copied and pasted it below. But first, here's a quick syntax lesson. A comma splice is the use of a comma to join two independent clauses (it stands alone with a subject and a verb and could be it's own sentence). For example: It is nearly seven o'clock, we cannot reach the theater before the movie begins. Here is an example from your own writing:

The tension was enormous, the day felt so heavy that I would not be exaggerating if I said that gravity had increased.

Do you see how the clause before the comma and the clause after the comma are both independent? In other words, a comma simply isn't strong enough punctuation to contain them and you need to use a period or combine the sentences in a different way. You have MANY (every other sentence, nearly) comma splices in your text and if I know early English Composition teachers, they look out for these so fixing them now will help you a lot, I should think!

That day was shocking to many people, everything happened slowly, it looked like a history lesson where students analyze the classroom as if it were a mathematical problem, and the students looked at least ten times per minute the clock to find the needle in the same place. [How is it a history lesson in that the students are doing a math problem? I'm not quite sure what you mean here.] The tension was enormous, the day felt so heavy that I would not be exaggerating if I said that gravity had increased. [I like this image.] The fact that she wasn't there anymore, and probably wasn't going to see her again broke my heart into pieces. AndaA ll she left behind were memories.

I've always been fascinated by her dedication. Dedication to what? You actually say that she's dedicated in the first sentence but go on to state that she misses a lot of classes. What isn't clear is why she misses those classes? It sounds (on a first read) that she misses classes because she's a "bad girl," and not because she's ill. You might wish to clarify?] It amazes me how she missed so many classes and still had the best grades in school , always so focused , always with a smile that hid the truth , that smile that looked so weak ,[this section is a list. In the list you should use a parallel structure (meaning that each piece of the list is written structurally/worded in a similar fashion] that could disappear at any second , but at the same time was so warm like the sun on a summer day . She seemed to know everything, she was able to answer any question on any class without a doubt.

She had a special beauty, she was pale, thin, and as white as snow, [New sentence?] [i]sometimes I thought I could see through her, with [her] big eyes, shining like jewels when she spoke,[Here you don't need the comma because you're describing how she spoke. It's a direct continuation of the previous thought.] with an authority that slowed the whole room when she opened hisher mouth, and with a peaceful aura around her, she delighted every person she spoke to.This is ALL one sentence and is too long. Look for places where you feel it would be best to divide up your ideas, okay, Cmcontin?]

The first time I spoke with her gave meI had an adrenaline rush , she looked like a Greek goddess, full of wisdom and beauty at the same time, a lump in the throat pulsed like a dislodged heart, and even today I think she realized what was going through my mind.

This is a long sentence (really, its ONE long series of comma splices. Look for other ways to join these phrases together so that they clearly tell your story but so that they also are easy to read.]

With the passage of time, our friendship grew slowly, and I reallywas surprised to know that she did not have many friends, was a very shy person, which I found very strange for the dazzling manner in which it was expressed.It's a good idea to not use the words "very" and "really" in academic writing. These words don't convey much to your audience.]

But after those months when we got together every day, something happened that I could not predict ,. She started
missing classes again. Immediately the first thing I did was call her home to see what was happening , her mother so often told me not to worry, that she felt a little weak.

But this weakness unlike previous times slower than expected , after a week I decided on a visit , the mere pretext that her mother was not enough What do you mean that her mother was not enough? Not clear.] to satisfy my interest to know the status of my important friend .

Thank you for sharing your story about your friend. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Again, I want to reiterate that I really enjoyed many of your word choices and your story is touching and interesting to read. My suggestions, I hope, you find helpful as you revise! Good luck!

Research Papers / Responding to a quote for history research paper [4]

Did your teacher state that you needed to include the quote in the paper? What did the assignment sheet say?

Essays / Cultural ethnography interview [3]

Hi Janman74:

What kind of fraternity are you interviewing? Are you interviewing one member? Multiple members? Will you be doing participant observation (living and/or shadowing them)? etc... How long is the interview?

The major thing to consider when writing an ethnography paper is to create OPEN ENDED questions that don't LEAD the interviewee to particular answers or that aren't yes or no answers. Use words and phrases like:

Describe
Tell me about
Tell me a story about a time when
That's interesting, can you elaborate on that?
Tell me more about ...
Cool, can you give me an example of ...

You ideally want the members of the fraternity to engage in story-telling vs. question answering. You want to encourage them to tell you about their "culture" without interruption from you as much as possible. So the more descriptive you can get them to be in their own language the better. The more you can encourage them to tell you stories in detail, the better.

I don't want to give you actual questions because I feel like that's likely a large part of the assignment but these guidelines should help you to formulate some great ones on your own. Then, if you have other questions, please feel free to re-visit this post and I'll happily take a look.

Good luck to you! EF_Season

Undergraduate / Procrastination is a terrible, terrible technique for self induced anxiety. Would not recommend. [4]

Hi dendenkim! I'm EF_Season and I'll help you a bit with your essay. First, I enjoyed reading it from the start, so good work keeping my attention all the way through. I do want you to know that your persona borders on the precipice between confident and cocky so keep in mind it could be read either way, okay?

You might start to tone it down a bit (towards confident--away from cocky) by removing the word "damn" in the final paragraph. I know it's a pun (sort of); however, in a formal letter such as this, there just is NOT room for cursing. (and I curse... a lot... even when I'm teaching :) Just don't do it. It's bad news and could easily get your letter set aside -- that's much more likely what would happen than getting it moved to the top of the pile, okay?

Go through the essay and any sentence that begins with "there is" or "this is" -- rewrite to be more specific. Sentences that begin this way are weak and less efficient. You want your writing to be strong and clear.

Can a class that you took to fulfill a requirement (and, frankly, a class that changed your outlook) be "arbitrary?" Consider your word choice here. Also, arbitrary is another of those confident/cocky moments... tone it down...

Your discussion of Nixon/Kissinger/Mao reads nicely. Good work.

Why would working with Professor's Cha or Radlet be extraordinary? Frankly, I don't believe anything except that you looked at them briefly on the website. Give a concrete example of something from the work they've done. Look up an essay by one of them. Show that you really did the research. Beyond a quick google search.

Finally--the fish story. It's cute. I hear you. I like the professor's quote about "educating empathy" but the damn shame part and so forth turn me off of your story... Consider revising the fish story? Just a thought... Good luck!

Writing Feedback / My question - "What make you obtain your achievement?" - meeting with a famous person [2]

Hi hallohello! I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you with your essay today! First, you've chosen a great question to ask a famous person. To ask this person to reflect on his or her successes is a great idea.

Let's look at the first paragraph, in which you frame your question. You have three sentences here that are written in a complex way due to your learning of the English-language. It may be simpler for you to write a single sentence that reflects the prompt... An example of my own might be:

If I were to meet Oprah Winfrey, I would ask her if she would buy me a car!"

Okay, maybe my sentence is selfish, but you get the point! Simply, simplify, simplify!

The second paragraph is muddied by your use of the word "orientation." First, in the US, right now, that word is mostly associated with homosexual and/or heterosexual "Orientation" so it carries with it a connotation that may be different (or not the only) dictionary denotation of the word. So, although people may have numerous orientations, reading this word as a US-citizen, makes me immediately think of someones sexuality. That aside, even without this connotation, I'm still not clear what you mean by "orientation" here. Do you mean their path? the way they've gone about their life? The choices they've made? You need to clarify what you mean when using this word so that your reader can better understand your word usage.

Make sure your he's and she's match the gender of the person you're discussing. At times you say she then you say he immediately following so gender is unclear.

When you say "most of the named people" do you mean most famous people (most people for whom we know their names)? This clause is not clear to me.

Finally, you say in your conclusion that there are "two reasons" that "consisted of their "realistic and interesting experience" but in your essay you don't discuss these two reasons as either interesting or realistic so it's confusing to have your earlier reasoning summed up in a way that you haven't yet addressed. Conclusion should not offer new information in basic writing.

Good luck with your essay, hallohello!

Undergraduate / My first escapade in the realm of psychology was unintentional - UT Major Transfer Essay [2]

HI sousuke! I hope I'm not too late to help. I'm EF_Season. I'll respond now... Even if it is too late, at least you'll get some feedback on your writing!

The first paragraph is a funny, likable, introduction to who you are. It clearly reflects a personality and that personality is a likable one, which is good because the people making the selections will want to choose students who collaborate well with others.

How did you come to study Freud? Did you study Freud before or after you met Mr. Ferguson? Was it in his class that you studied Freud? I'm wondering a bit about the order of events in these two paragraphs. What leads to what? How are they organized? I understand how you move from the mental disorders to your own depression but the earlier paragraphs could have a stronger through-line (sequence of events). Did Mr. Ferguson have a mental disorder? (Is that how you move from his faking a persona to your fascination with mental disorders?).

It's interesting. I find myself (in the above paragraph, especially) responding to your essay more as if it were a theatrical monologue than a piece of formal writing. This isn't a bad thing--just an observation. I find myself looking for the "action" and what drives the "action" (instead of the plot) and so forth. That means that your essay reads as if it's meant to be read aloud or heard. SO ... Try reading it aloud to yourself and see if you can hear where you might want to make changes/revisions still. It may be a worthy exercise to do. That's what I would have my First Year students do at the university.

Break a leg (in theatre-speak). :)

Undergraduate / I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can. Brown Univ. [2]

As a woman who has just started experiencing the world, I see many opportunities to achieve my end goal of learning all I can about the world and its people, and hopefully make a difference in people's lives.I'm not sure you need this first sentence. To me, your essay seems to begin with the second sentence.

When I revisited my birthplace in Pakistan, I understood the heavy dependence women had on men, and I attempted to respectfully defy the status quo of the patriarchal culture by walking independently while still ensuring my safety. I realized that, while walking the streets of Pakistan, my independence and identity were stolen from me. Accustomed to the freedom I was granted for most of my life, I felt less than human in Sukkur. I could only imagine how other women felt, never having experienced greater autonomy. My resistance to conform to the cultural norms propelled me to help women and children suffering from a lack of freedom and independence. It sounds like you're "helping women" and "learning to conform" at the same time. But I'm not sure that's what you mean? This sentence is unclear. I had to read it multiple times to understand. I did this while re-learning and appreciating the Pakistani lifestyle of simplicity; I wore the traditional Pakistani shalwaar kamees, ate Pakistani cuisine, shopped at bazaars, and used squat toilets. This immersion into a culture that existed in my subconscious, but that I had forgotten, made me more flexible, cooperative, and understanding of my own privileges and responsibilities.How is the culture subconscious?

When I returned to America, I wanted to immerse myself in a field that would provide me with the skills and knowledge to help societies overcome cultural or technological barriers. Because of my privileges and where I was raised, I have the ability to do what many others do not. I have since made it my goal to do everything I can to ensure that societies I encounter will no longer have to live under the conditions I distraughtly experienced in Pakistan. Could you combine these first three sentences to make a single shorter sentence that gets to the point more quickly? Right now these sentences are mostly saying the same thing three times (they're redundant). While independently researching fields with my specific goals and interests, I finally decided to study development (DS). After taking an Intro to Development webinar course at UC Berkeley, and learning about the basics of development, my interest and eagerness to learn more in this field only grew stronger; I quickly became more excited about career possibilities and future practices. Such as?

The programs at Brown, specifically DS, prepare students to apply their education in the classroom to hands-on experience in the field. Similarly, the practical training I earn from DS will help me apply my knowledge and experience to my future career in law. After my undergraduate studies, I plan on attendingto attend law school to strengthen my knowledge of international law so I may fight for justice to help improve the lives of many deserving and underserved populations. I also know that at some point in my career, I want towill work in Foreign Service, and engage in policymaking and government. But beforesupporting the underprivileged overcome the limitations of poverty and achieve their full potentialBe careful with phrases like these because it sounds like you're going to "swoop" in and save the people without privilege! Some people don't want (or need) saving. Some people consider the idea of saving patronizing or affronting. Keep these ideas in mind too, as you write, okay? , I must first achieve mine, beginning with a solid education at Brown University.

Undergraduate / South Asian cultures typically emphasize that the only career choice for students is in medicine. [4]

Hi Zasif326!

I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you a bit with your essay today. First, I'd like to say you really interested me once you started talking about the Model United Nations experiences you'd had because you had clear examples and were able to use those examples to illustrate your own developing leadership skills. Good work!

If you're looking for places to cut, I'd consider the first paragraph. How does medicine and stating that Asian students should study medicine effect your essay as it stands. I do understand that you're saying it was an expectation of you (perhaps familial, perhaps cultural) that you broke away from BUT does it truly influence the rest of your ESSAY here?

Are you applying to a specific "prestigious college?" If so, be specific. To simply state a "prestigious college" seems vague to me compared to the other details you use. I also wonder if you don't need a sentence or so to conclude--a sentence that describes HOW the leadership you describe in that paragraph translates into your being a good student or a good choice/fit for that particular college to which you apply.

Some of your sentences are wordy (especially in the second paragraph) so if you're looking for words to cut, you might look more closely at that paragraph in particular. The final paragraph is your tightest right now and the one from which, I suspect, you can lose the fewest words.

Good luck with your revision!

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay "Most Likely to Live in Another Country - 8th Grade Me" [2]

Hi macook3! I'm EF_Season and I'm here to help you with your essay today. First, I LOVE the way you began this essay by relating your 8th grade self experience. I would have liked to see that experience return near the end of the essay (and maybe even briefly in the middle)--in theatre we say that three times is a charm in storytelling so if you intend to involve a motif (8th grade you), then having it relate even in a word or two all the way through the essay is useful to help you maintain the reader's attention.

Since you're more interested in flow/themes, I will comment on these things as opposed to grammar for now, okay? Your essay left me with a few questions, mainly about the accuracy of your language to convey what you intend. Here is an example of what I mean. You write:

"My flexibility and adaptation have been proven by motivation and commitment during extreme weather, sickness, and sleep deprivation."
How can flexibility and adaptation be proven by motivation? What did you DO to become flexible or adapt? What motivated you to do so? How can you be committed to extreme weather, sickness, or sleep deprivation? Again, what did you DO during these instances. I know you have few words; however, providing examples is often much more useful (i.e. your 8th grade self) than simply stating empty phrases--I don't know what or how the words you use in this sentence apply. Instead tell your reader about a moment when you WERE flexible and had to adapt due to weather, sickness, or sleep deprivation...

Another fleeting thought I had (and this may NOT be the case in your instance, but you should know that your reader COULD think it) was that "sleep deprivation" because of an upcoming exam (etc...) is a very different experience than sleep deprivation due to extreme poverty, etc... Keep this in mind as you write. You seem to be aware of the privilege you do have but sometimes, even those of us who are aware, make assumptions.

"will be worth new culture," --Do you mean will be worth learning a new culture? Understanding a new culture? You're missing a verb in this instance.

" because even one life changed is an opportunity for a better tomorrow" -- Here is probably my biggest question for you. My area of expertise is ethnography (examining other cultures) and a major fallacy is that people from developed countries can go into "underdeveloped countries" and "save" the people there. If you're applying for the Peace Corps, I'm sure it's unlikely that you feel this way; however, the quoted piece from your writing here suggests that you plan to swoop in and save the day. Be careful with statements such as these (unless you mean YOUR OWN life changed, in which case, you should clarify). Okay?

I hope this helps. I'd be curious to see how your essay develops! Good luck to you, EF_Season.

Writing Feedback / 'I just want to let you know that I moved to a new house' - Letter to a friend - IELTS [4]

Hi Trina! I hope you are doing well. (See how I used your sentence there? :) I'm EF_Season and I will help you with your letter today, okay?

First, I'd like to compliment you on a job well done. This letter is clear and concise. I like to read writing like this because it is simple to understand. I did notice a couple of things that might help you improve, though.

Dear Maria,

I hope you are doing well. I just[The word "just" is a work that takes up space and has a different meaning for every person. Thus, I suggest you cut words like "just," "really," and "very" from all academic writing. Except for the rare occasion, these words are seldom useful.] want to let you know that I moved to a new house. I left my old house beacuse[check spelling] I realized it is too far from my workplace.

My new house is located near Mcdonalds [Do you mean "McDonald's" like the restaurant? If so, notice my spelling here.] at P. Noval St. It is a two-story building and there is a big garden at the front. I like the choice of color [If you've purchased the house (or are renting) do you have a "choice" of color? Do you simply mean that you like the color?] which is pink with blue lining [What is "lining?" Do you me an "trim?"] . There are windows, actually big windows in every corner of the house so we really have a good ventilation. There are three bedrooms on the second floor and each room has bathroom [Do you mean that each bedroom has an attached bathroom? Wow! As written, it sounds like every room in the house (i.e. kitchen, etc...) has it's own bathroom. Clarify for your reader.]. What I like the most on the first floor is how the architect allocated a big space for kitchen. I really like it since I love cooking!

I would like to invite you, to visit me in my new house. By the way, I will be organizing a house blessing probably next week. I'll send you an invitation once I [have] finalized it. I hope you can come.

Yours,

Leah

Undergraduate / Practical exercise is necessary to reduce a gap between industry and educational institution [4]

Hi again, Masktaz.

When EF_Jasmine, writes "run-on," she means a sentence that needs punctuation (or needs to be split into multiple sentences) in order to be grammatically correct.

The big question I'm left with right now is why do you wish to attend this lecture? It seems to me you spend a lot of the essay talking about your self and your own career goals but at the end of the essay, you write that you want to attend this lecture so that your chapter might benefit. Which is it? If it's both, that's okay, but then you need to more fully express throughout the essay that your goal is to learn for both yourself AND your chapter (of what?) all the way through the essay.

As for the word count: this is what I tell my students. FIRST, don't worry about the word count. Write, HERE using as many words as you need to say what you need to say. THEN you can look at cutting and refining words/phrases to reach the word count. It's usually most difficult to get your ideas on paper. But once they're there, it's easier to revise and cut--especially when you have help!

You've got a great revision so far, masktaz. I revise sometimes 10-15 times before I consider something "done enough." Writing is never complete! Best, EF_Season

Undergraduate / Hospitality Entrance Essay - What Qualities needed to succeed. [3]

Hi Blah87! I'm EF_Season and I hope that my thoughts on your essay are useful for you as you revise. First, I'd like to state that the qualities you choose to include seem like they would be important to this kind of work. Good for you!

Let's take a look at a couple of syntax/grammar concerns that might help you to write a stronger essay, okay? An example is when you write, "I believe you need to be the sort of person who is committed to performing their best at all times." First, if you're talking about a single person (ex: you, right?) then you should match the pronouns in tense. So "you" and "their best" does not work together grammatically. Instead, you should either replace "their" with "his or her" OR revise the sentence fully to avoid that kind of clunky phrasing.

Second, and I'll use the same sentence as an example, perhaps you'd like to use your writing to SHOW the entrance auditors that YOU are a go-getter. You can do this by using active language. Instead of saying "I believe you need to be the sort of person who is committed to performing their best at all times," you could simply make the strong statement that "I am a person committed to performing my best at all times" and THEN give a GREAT example about when you've committed to doing so. This short essay is your opportunity to sell yourself.

Here is another example of an instance in which you might use more active language to suggest how active YOU are. Instead of writing "I believe that I have the right qualities to succeed at EHL and in hospitality because I have excellent communication skills not only in English but in French as well. Recently, I have also started taking German conversation classes," you could write something along the lines of "I HAVE the right qualities to succeed. For example, I have excellent communication skills in English, French, and I am learning German." Do you see how this more succinct language paints you as a person who clearly and quickly gets your ideas across?

"Would you be respectful of cultural diversity" or are you already? It sounds to me like you already are given your travels and the sheer fact that you thought to state this as a redeeming quality for entry to the school.

Instead of using the last few sentences to sum up this short essay, why not use those words to give some time of great example of when you've been hospitable or have illustrated the qualities you say you have? Examples are usually good ideas because they show that you really do practice what you say you value.

Good luck with your application! I enjoyed reading your essay tonight. Best wishes, EF_Season.

Undergraduate / Practical exercise is necessary to reduce a gap between industry and educational institution [4]

Hi Masktaz! I'm EF_Season and I will help you with your essay today. I've copied and pasted it here because I believe that it might be easier to respond directly within the essay. At this moment in time, let's focus on addressing some of the English language concerns. After you've looked at those, you can revise, perhaps, and we can look more at ideas, okay?

Does my essay answering the prompt? I realize this essay still lack of idea and some parts still out of place. Therefore, your feedback means a lot to me. There are pieces of this essay that answer the prompt and pieces that might more clearly be related. I will try to help you see that as we go along.

How will participating in the Student Education Program help you reach your career goals?

World has faced oil crisis in 2000s where the oil production is declined before deepwater drilling popularly performed [How might you make this a complete sentence? Currently you have a sentence fragment and fragments are a weak way to begin your writing. . Discovery of the new oil field is one of the option to solve the problem, so does Indonesia. [Same note. Develop your sentence into a full sentence with a subject and a verb, okay?] I want to be a part in solving Indonesian energy issues. [ This is a good, clear sentence. Good work!] I expect of being an exploration manager. [You expect TO BE an exploration manager? Right? "of being" is a weak way of saying something you feel strongly about. Also, WHY do you want to be an exploration manager? What does an exploration manager do? How do the rest of your paragraphs support your desire to become an exploration manager?] (I still need another idea for the opening of my idea)

I have [a] strong desire to practice the profession of geophysics. [Why do you want to practice this profession? What about the profession excites you? Why would someone in this profession want to hire you? Go further? Could you give an example that expresses why you want to practice this profession?] I realize that there's a gap between educational institutions and industry demand, as well as intense competition to become a professional. Therefore, to contribute in energy related industries, I initiate [Word choice: do you mean "intend?" Clarify for your reader. Make sure your work choices are precise and accurate, okay Masktaz?] to gain experience as much as I can. One of the ways to prepare myself in competing ["to compete" is a much stronger way of stating what you wish to say here. Any time you can use an active English verb, try to do so. It makes YOU seem active.] industry's best is by equipping myself with the necessary skills. I have to balance my academics with my extracurricular activities. [How does this sentence illustrate that you've equipped yourself with the necessary skills? Make sure each sentence leads from one to the next in a logical manner.] Therefore, I participated in 4 student organizations such as Geophysical Engineering Student Association (HMGF), SEG Student Chapter, AAPG student chapter, and English Conversation and Debate Club (ECDC). Being involved as much as possible in student organizations is my way to learn a lot of things and contribute something. [Contribute something to what? Be specific. Do you mean to the organizations? To yourself? To society? To Exxon? etc... State precisely what you mean.]Besides , it [What is it? Again, be specific, okay?] will enhance my ability in adaptability, team work, problem solving, and obtaining valuable experience.

In addition to incorporated in the organizations, I decided to apply for ExxonMobil Student Education Program because I'm sure it would be a great opportunity to fulfill my passion by having lecture and exercise along with students from all over the world. I believe that having lecture from experts that engaging in practical exercise is a rare experience. Having practical exercises is not only significantly increase my knowledge, comprehension about geophysicist's task in oil and gas industries but also give me a glimpse of my career path that I will take. Attending this course is no only motivate me to dig expertise deeper and deeper to pursue my career goal but also give me inspirations for contributing to Indonesia's oil exploration workforce. Your closing is much stronger than the earlier part of your essay. I believe this strength comes from the fact that you state outright why you want the position and how it will help you. Do make sure you go through this section to ensure that you have complete sentences (with a subject and a verb) and that you've chosen the correct and most accurate words to convey your ideas!]

Thank you for sharing your essay! I enjoyed reading it. Best of luck to you as you revise, EF_Season

Writing Feedback / Drawing from the themes of a prompt - Hope [2]

Hi LeighV!

Your essay raises a number of thoughts and question for me, which I hope (ha!) you will find useful.

To begin let's look at the framing. You start this essay with a lovely quote (which should be cited, by the way), that ""Hope. Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, Whispering 'it will be happier'..." But then you close your essay on a level of anxiety with "If one were to relinquish this sense of hope and optimism, in favour of angst and anxiety, then it is quite possible for the individual to feel unhappy with their situation." Were I to only read only your opening and closing remarks, my thought would be that you are arguing AGAINST "hope," which you clearly aren't as I delve further into your essay. Remember that EVERY work, every sentence conveys your ideas and you want to make sure that you're using the pieces (sentences/words) to accurately display what you want to SAY in the essay.

And you do have a lot to say. I especially liked your discussion of Wei Chong's almost "hard luck" story. Do you think that this experience is different than, say, an American's experience trying to move out of poverty? How is the hope the same or different? Not that you need to include this experience; however, it is a little disjointed to move from Wei Chong to Robin Williams and his story. How are these two stories related? Do you need to relate the stories you include within your essay? Should you choose to do so, what about your essay might be strengthened or weakened?

A note on grammar/syntax. Generally speaking when you write in a singular voice you must match that singular throughout the sentence. Here is an example from your essay: within the individual, driving them . In this instance you articulate a single individual so the correct grammar is to refer to that individual as he or she instead of "them." While this may seem like a small point, doing so illustrates a mastery of the English language.

Finally, make sure you check your punctuation. There are places with punctuation missing in this essay.

Overall I enjoyed reading your essay, LeighV! Good luck! EF_Season

Undergraduate / "I thrive where I am constantly inspired" - UT Austin TRANSFER APP - Lifelong friendships [3]

Hi Anumeha!

What I find intriguing (and possibly confusing) about your essay thus far is that you begin by expressing the significance of taking a risk and stepping beyond your comfort zone. You talk about people whom you admire because they have managed to do so. But then you switch to talk about what makes you "comfortable" about the people in Austin--saying that "I cannot comprehensively describe the ease of comfort I felt around every single person I interacted with here at UT." Given the current framing of your essay (as one of the generative value of discomfort), should you not be discussing what about Austin might help you take a risk and grow yourself as a person/colleague at this new school?

What about the atmosphere at Syracuse is holding you back and how do you expect it will be different at Austin? Do you feel that placing the responsibility on the universities themselves might turn off potential auditors of your essay? Instead could you approach the topic from a position of opportunity? Instead of something at Syracuse holding you back, perhaps it prepared you for an experience you think you might receive at UT. If I were an auditor, I would want to see a young person ready to take responsibility for their actions and decisions and who would benefit the UT community through his/her energy and exuberance for the subject.

Good luck! EF_Season

Writing Feedback / Growing up in a big city can have lots of benefits, such as schools, experiences; City vs Rural area [3]

Hi Vns9x!

First, I'd suggest going through your essay to find spelling errors. One example is "An urban chill" (I assume you mean child?). These kinds of errors make it a challenge for your reader to fully understand your intended argument.

What evidence do you have that suggests that the schools in the countryside are less "proper" than the "urban" schools? Could there be problems that "urban" schools have that "countryside" schools don't have? Consider: Crime? Safety? Teacher turnover? Large vs. smaller class sizes? Lunch programs? etc... What assumptions might you be making here about country vs. city simply based on your own experience? Could there be a different approach to answering the question that is grounded in evidence?

You might consider clarifying your final sentence: "I tally the community, in which people believe in the city," because as it is stated currently, I'm not sure what you mean. Whenever you have unclear writing, your reader will leave the essay wondering what you (the author) intended. So what is it you mean by "I tally the community" and "in which people believe in the city?" What do people believe about the city? Who are the people? etc...

Hopefully these comments will help you to clarify some of the ideas in your essay! Good luck! EF_Season

Writing Feedback / Almost all things and thoughts have both benefits and drawbacks - attractions visitors [3]

Hi Bob brother!

The first question I have is about your thesis. You write, "this attitude will be discussed." Is your opinion that you offer previously an "attitude?" Do you think the word choices here are accurate? Furthermore, could you potentially combine these sentences into a single sentence that better expresses what you seem to want to say?

Paragraph II: Do you need to note that all things have drawbacks and benefits? How does this sentence help to link your thesis to the topic of the paragraph? Remember that topic sentences (the first sentence of the paragraph) should directly relate to the thesis AND to what you intend to write in the paragraph itself. Here you move on from your first sentence to talk, instead about discrimination? Could you more fully relate this idea in your topic sentence?

Paragraph III: How does the hi-tech world keep us from attracting people to museums and such? The answer to this question is left unclear in your essay as it stands.

Paragraph IV: If your first body paragraph is about discrimination, you might consider combining this paragraph with Par. I. Doing so would strengthen the organization of the overall essay. Remember to keep like ideas together.

In the conclusion you talk about good and bad, negatives and positives, etc... But you're not saying much. Could you instead share a precise example of why it's important that visitors pay the same as residents? Doing so would make the experience of your essay much stronger for the reader.

Good luck with your revision! EF_Season

Writing Feedback / TELL ME ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE TV PROGRAMME ? [5]

HI huongkoi1708!

Since EF_Alyssa already helped you with the grammar and syntax, I thought I might touch on the development of your ideas, okay?

Your essay left me with a number of questions, partly because I've never seen the programme, so it may be that you could offer some clarification for a reader who is unfamiliar with the show.

WHY do YOU enjoy this program the best? You talk a lot about what the show does but you never fully develop what it is about the show that touches you, personally. If the prompt is to discuss WHY you like a particular show, perhaps you should more fully develop that idea. Here is an example from my own life: I love the television program "Property Brothers," which airs on the DIY (do it yourself) network here in the USA. What I love about this show is the fact that it gives me hope that I might find my dream home, even though I do not have the funds or money to purchase one. Hope is an important concept that this show conveys... then I might talk about how the show provides hope. Do you see? You can personalize the approach to the essay to better fit the prompt.

Why is it important that there are prizes for the audience as well? You write "Besides, there are two prizes for the audience, too." But you never tell your reader why these prizes are significant. Furthermore, the use of the word "Besides" suggests that the prizes for the audience are less important than the show itself; however, I suspect that many audience members HOPE for these prizes, is that correct?

Good luck as you revise! I enjoyed reading your essay. EF_Season

Writing Feedback / Thus far today, the world has been just like a small country with hyper [6]

What about your first paragraph truly leads you into the idea of "teamwork?" Might there be a different way to get to your thesis, that teamwork is important? You talk first about technology and organizations but those concepts don't lead you directly to your thesis. Instead, now that you have a thesis, again "that teamwork is important," try to move backward through those introductory sentences and ensure that each word--each sentence--leads directly to your thesis. Doing so will help you to create a much stronger introduction.

I like the section about synergy; however, what would really make this section shine is a true example of teamwork in practice that leads to the synergy. Can you think of an example from your own experience that you could share? You're playing to the human emotions here, it would be nice to have a succinct human story that leads into the idea of "synergy." Right now, what you have is vague and a strong example could help your writing to become much more clear.

Take a look at the conclusion. What is it you're really trying to say? That you like team work? Why not say it outright and then give a final (but conclusory) example of why. Example from my OWN life here: Working in a team to create a new assisted animal riding program was fulfilling for me because everyone was able to contribute creative solutions to larger concerns. Do you see how the example clearly outlines WHY I like teamwork and is clear for the reader?

Good luck with your writing! EF_Season

Writing Feedback / What is the worst job in the world ? [2]

Hi huongkhoi1708!
Your essay leaves me with a number of questions and leaves me wondering if, perhaps, you might be making some assumptions.

An assumption is a thing that someone takes as true even though there may not be good evidence to support the belief. I might assume that I will get a good grade on a quiz even though I didn't study but that assumption could prove to be false. So with the idea of assumptions in mind, let's break down your paragraph:

1. For many people, model employee is perfect. [Here it is unclear whether you are referring to modeling as a business itself or that someone is a model employee (ex: a good employee). Thus, you need to clarify what it is you intend.]

2. I am opposite. It's the worst job in the world. [Here you do clarify that you intend to talk about modeling as a job; however, what are you opposite to? Could you be more descriptive? Why do you feel that modeling is the worst job in the world? Go further to clarify your ideas.].

3. Models don't do useful things for society. They only wear high fashion clothes to perform on the catwalk. [Why is the practice of modeling any less useful than other modes of entertainment (say, acting?). Might you be making assumptions about what models do and the importance of their presence in society?]

4. Some girls want to have fashionable clothes, expensive bags and shoes the same as the models. However, they don't have enough money to buy them, so they will do bad and inappropriate things such as they will steal their parents' money or get around rich old men. [Do you have support for the assertion that models steal or take money from rich old men? If so, could you provide that support? Without evidence to support your opinion, this sentence simply reads like your own opinion and not a well-stated argument. Whenever you want to use an assumption in an academic answer, make sure you provide support for your answer, okay?]

5. For me, being a model is the worst job. [It's good that you have a strong, clear, opinion; however, you should consider supporting that opinion with evidence. WHY is being a model the worst job? What is it worse than? Is modeling worse than collecting trash? ... Worse than acting? Do you see my point? You need to address the WHY of your final assertion.]

Good luck with revising! EF_Season

Writing Feedback / World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age. IELTS WRITING TASK II [4]

To begin a strong paragraph, particularly one that is an argument, it is generally a good practice to begin with a complete sentence. Here, you write: "World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age." What about the world's population? What is a geometric rate? To what day an age are you referring? Great writing is specific. Give your reader a full sentence that outlines precisely what you intend to say in your essay/answer.

Later you write that "some people" argue. Who are the some people? Again, be specific with you writing. The more specific you are able to be the better your reader will be able to follow your ideas.

When you write: "I am of opinion, a great number of societies impact on environmental." What do you mean? What societies? What is the impact? When you write "on environmental" it raises the question for the reader on environmental WHAT? Finish your thought here so that your reader has a better understanding of what you intend to argue.

In the conclusion, when are "the old days?" Do you mean the 1980s or the 1800s? Again, the more precise you can be the better the experience for your reader.

Grammar: At times you tend to misuse pronounce. An example is you write that "people should be aware of the danger TO the situation." The correct pronoun in this instance is "OF the situation." You might want to study the usage of pronouns and see if you can apply the proper rules across the entirety of your answer.

I enjoyed reading your answer to the question. I think you have a good start and to ensure that your question is more clearly answered, go through the essay to find places in which your reader might need clarification. Then, instead of assuming the reader knows what you mean, go ahead and write more accurately. Define phrases like "this" or "that" which refer back to things that came before. And so forth. Good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing your thoughts!

EF_Season