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Posts by qyuiosilent
Joined: Aug 1, 2009
Last Post: Oct 20, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 22  
From: Singapore

Displayed posts: 26
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qyuiosilent   
Oct 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome [5]

Hi guys, I also intend to use this for my Common App.

Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Any comments on how can I improve this essay? Criticisms are most welcome! Thanks.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Sport and motivations - money influence? [5]

Hi,

At the first place, is this an essay meant for undergraduate admission? If yes, please insert the prompt and question so forum users can give constructive comments on the content. I just briefly looked through and spotted some grammatical errors in the first paragraph and I'm sure there are many in your essay, but I won't want to read on/check them if you have posted at the wrong place.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Soccer and smashing my dreams' --- Common app short answer [12]

Hi,

I am worrying about my theme

Don't worry that many people are writing on sports. I find your answer honest and sincere. I actually enjoyed reading it! But some comments below:

"You mightmay have some talent in soccer, but you will achieve nothing without well trained basic skill."

His words smashed my ideal.wrong word

I could not imagine practicing endlessly like the mostother mediocre players.

FindingRealizing later that my friends still played the way

I changed then, more than playing soccer. This sentence is unclear.

I stopped boasting "reading secret", but sat down and memorized words one by one. How does this connect with the rest of your essay?

Soccer helped me mature, staying modest and making steady progress.stayed modest and made steady progress.

TheMy coach's words always reechoesecho there: "you will achieve nothing without well trained basis skill."

I find this

well trained basic skill

and

well trained basis skill

repetitive; You are like using three adjectives well, trained, and basics to describe the skill. You can simply use "good foundation" or "well-trained basics".
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Major set back" - undergraduate essay.... [10]

Hi,

should i just pick a different promt????

Yes please, if you think you cannot make up a convincing case for this setback and other prompts will allow your personal voice to be heard clearly. You have any issues of local concern or interesting books to talk about? Otherwise just stick to this.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Major set back" - undergraduate essay.... [10]

Hi,

if u could read my essay for MSU its titled "i need to get out of this bubble" MSU undergrad essay

Done.

You can ashamed at first. Talk about how you feel unjustified. The transiton has to be done with your stories, your own experiences. Arouse sympathy within your reader, if needed, to make them feel the kind of discrimination you have been through.

Racisim will never be solved in this world, so how are you going to resolve (according to the prompt) this? You may talk about know you fight for your identity, how you become magnanimous towards the unfair treatments. Hope these will help in your rewrite.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Sarcastic Common Application Essay [7]

Hi,

Ok, I understand your style and your intention. It would be better if you can improve the sense of humor in this essay. I find myself frowning most of the time when I'm reading through.

Yes, your accomplishments were numerous and amazing. Unless there is no other sections in the Common App Form for you to write about them, then you may go ahead and write them here. Or you can pick some major accomplishments and talk in detail about it and say that after all they were nothing as compared to those accomplished by heroes in our centuries. (Obviously, you are probably way better than an average high school student)

Some admission officers may like it, some may not. I'm ambivalent.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "A Major set back" - undergraduate essay.... [10]

Hi rrayyan6,

You only started answering the question here.

That day my individuality as a Jordan Christian was now transformed to a Muslim terrorist.

So the entire first paragraph is too long and irrelevant. You are daring to mention the 911 incident.

You felt you lost your dignity and that you were being discriminated. So how did you go about this problem? You didn't elaborate much on this except for some generalisations in the conclusion. So what are you going to do in the future if people started yelling words of hatred to you?

I am not convinced that this is your major setabck because you did not specifically describe how racism has affected you. Shame is not a very strong case to put forward.

And, yeah there are some grammatical errors which you may easily spot if you read through again.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Sarcastic Common Application Essay [7]

Hi bob92,

Interesting but dangerous approach. I think you really

need to write about something that that makes me stand out.

Your first sentence

Average as Joe

and your last sentence

I have a very dry personality.

paints you in a negative light.

I grew more and more frustrated as I could not seem to find anything extraordinary about me

What is extraordinary about you is your personality. Besides being sarcastic, what other qualities do you have?

I won't put you down so much as this is the essay, amongst many I read in this forum, that made me

go "Wow".

Since you are an average Joe, why should admission officers let you enter?
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "angel who cures" - University of Michigan LSA Short Answer [4]

Hi,

the expression of delight that followed the curing of a devastating influenza after a visit to a doctor and that dreamThis last three words sound weird.

They possessed masculine features but had wings.

They possessed masculine features and had wings. Why use but?

sun's light

sunlight?

I stretched my arms and let out a large yawn; jumped out of bed, no stuffy nose and weak limbs holding me back, ran to my parents, ecstatically, and told them about my dream.

";" wrongly used. I think this is a run-on sentence.

brings joy to a person's life

I think people will be better.

Besides your dream, I don't really know why you want to study medicine. Try elaborating your academic interest. Good luck.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome [5]

Hi, thanks!!

the discriminating truth

I like this.

Though I didn't use a thesaurus, I will exercise more care in the usage of big words.

I'm not very sure what you meant by

that these problems will correct on their own when you actually acquire an understanding of them.

Care to enlighten me?

The ending was disappointing

Are you referring to the penultimate paragraph?
qyuiosilent   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Setback Essay - Irritable Bowel Syndrome [5]

Describe a setback that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react? (Approximately 500 words)

I stood in front of the mirror and studied the lanky man in it. His face was morose and his jawbones converged sharply at his chin. Two bony humps were visible on his narrow shoulders and his legs were as skinny as those of Barbie doll. He looked emaciated and malnourished. I could not accept the fact that I was actually the man.

Two years ago, I experienced periodic bouts of constipation and diarrhea and lost ten kilograms in four months. During the day, I could make fruitless visits to the lavatory; in the night, spasms in my stomach would jar me out of my sleep and send me running for the toilet. An endoscopy later revealed that I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS).

IBS threw me into an abyss of paranoia. Standing on the bathroom scale several times a day, I would frantically look out for any gain in my weight. The thought that there was a ticking time bomb in my abdomen filled me trepidation. IBS was like a leech, sucking away my social life and happiness. I retracted myself from gatherings and stayed at home because I did not want others to see me in such a bad shape. Any fleeting moments of joy were just premonitory signs of a next attack. I could not fathom why the food could not be fully digested and why my feces could not be properly egested. I cried under the blanket, sobbed in the toilet and kept asking why I was hit by the illness.

The lack of nutrition made me occasionally lethargic. Besides the toilet and my bed, there was nowhere I wanted to go. The night before my family went on holiday, I told my parents that they could just leave me alone at home.

However, the next morning, I was startled to see my parents still at home when they should have flown off.

"My boy, holiday will not be fun without you," my father announced. "We'll stay at home for this December break instead."

His words struck me. It dawned on me that I have a family which gave me unwavering support. My father, a busy businessman, always accompanied me for my medical appointments and my mother quitted her job to stay at home and take care of me. At least IBS did not rob me of my loved ones; it made me realize their presence. The fact that I had it was immutable but I saw that I have the choice on my response to it. I told myself to be optimistic.

For once, I ignored the bathroom scale. I tried to see an attack as a precursor of happiness that would ensue. I applied logic to deal with the uncomfortable symptoms. As slouching after a meal will weaken my sphincter muscles, I always stand up for a while after a meal to let the food go down with the aid of gravity. Instead of taking three big meals and jamming up my digestive tract, I would eat five smaller meals. Although the path to recovery was arduous, I conditioned myself to regard each relapse as small stuff rather than catastrophic event.

I learned to treasure my relationships with people, especially my family members, and realized that it was not shameful to have IBS. With encouragements from my friends, I returned to the grassroots and volunteering. I am still who I am after IBS plagued me. I merely acquired an irritating thing, another challenge in life which boosted my adversity quotient. After all, it is the obstacles, the ups and downs that made life meaningful.

I stand in front of the mirror and study myself. It is not the sorrowful lanky man. It is happy, skinny me. What I see is the strong air of self confidence which emerged as I moved from denial of my illness to acceptance of this weakness. It is this confidence which I believe will help me embrace whatever that will come in the future.

(667 words)

Is this too cliched? Please criticize and comment frankly, on the content, the grammar, the diction and the style. Thanks.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 16, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm from China - common app personal statement [10]

Ok, if you are going to serve this as your main dish, then there are some things you got to take note:

A daughter who always misses Mom and Dad when she was six years old in boarding school and at the time she lives in Beijing alone for four months while they are in Italy, to which a hemisphere to cross;

I think the above doesn't really say much on you.

And what's the difference between

A young lady

and

A 17-year-old girl

? Consider changing the young lady to an activists in human or civil rights

Your list started with the "what you have done" and progressed to your "personal qualities" like being optimistic, skeptical... I think this a bit rough. And here comes my opinion on the montage.

Focus on like ten things you have done "like being a teacher, volunteer, writer, leader..."; expand a bit on them by incorporating the personal qualities that you want to bring across; restrict each to about fifty words so you doesn't exceed the word count.

For example: Merge a photographer with an idealist and talked about how you insisted in taking hundreds of shots just to get the perfect one. Then you will end up with ten roles and ten qualities. At least, this will help to compensate a bit for the lack in depth.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 16, 2009
Undergraduate / 'headmistress in modern China / Power of Knowledge' - Smith College Supplement [6]

Hi zouztingt,

Sorry to say but I think your second answer seemed like a response to this question "When Smith was founded in 1871, there were few opportunities for woman education. Is women still deprived of education in 2009?" instead.

You may try to answer why women, particularly in developing countries (since you mentioned a few of them), should be given a chance to study. You can also consider what important roles women play in the society now that was as a result of their education.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 16, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm from China - common app personal statement [10]

Hi Mengyin,

Interesting way to showcase different facets of your personality. I like the choice of your words; every clause contains strong verbs.

In my opinion, it may be a bit dangerous to use this as your main essay. Your main essay should be something in depth or revolve on a particular experience or incident. If I were you, I will use this as my supplementary essays or under "the additional information". Follow Sean's advice. Serve the main dish (ice cream) and add on this as broth (chocolate toppings).
qyuiosilent   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / I still don't know, what who I want to become [6]

Hi snow153,

I didn't know, and still don't know, what I want to become. Don't write this in. It's better to say that you are a jack in all trades rather than you don't know to be a master in which.

There are many ways to start your essay, try not to resort to I have always wanted
qyuiosilent   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Area of my choice-- Medicine [4]

Hi Viraj,

While my interest in Pre-Medicine provided a foundation of my future, it was the surrounding that I lived in helped my passion for being a Physician really blossomed. Try not to repeat the word blossomed. You just used it in the previous sentence.

Academically, my interests have always lied in the sciences, especially in courses like biology and chemistry. You may wish to include what about biology and chemistry that thrills you.

my grades have only been a fortunate byproduct of this drive for knowledge This is superfluous. Delete it.

Therefore, I will attend a university with a strong biological research department to further my knowledge of biology. So are you going to bring with you a strong biological research department to Michigan? It should be "I will attend a university which has a strong...

helpful to the mankind I'm also guilty of putting this down in my essay.

Last but not least, I'm not sure if it's correct to cap words like Doctor, Physician. Usually I don't.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "I saw a baby die." - Common App Essay - Significant Experience [4]

Hi muffinman,

The first three paragraphs seized my attention. I like your story. But, why were you present when the baby died? Can you briefly mention what caused the baby's death? Were the parents of the baby around also? The baby cannot feel his/her sorrow, his/her impending doom, but what about her parents? They must be devastated, especially the mother. You may consider adding these into your plot since you talked about your family, your dad and uncle.

I think you started to mix up tenses from the fourth paragraph onwards.

The infant's unexpected death made me understand that life was not all that it seemed. I knew that in such an unpredictable world, everything I took for granted may disappear the next second. I neededneed to make the most of every opportunity because the outcomes of all my decisions wereare unknown. Consequences couldcan be fatal and unforeseen. Dedication to a goal wasis necessary because if I diddo not persevere, abrupt occurrences couldcan make me falter. I now knewSo do you know it now or you knew it before that? that reaching new academic heights wouldwill allow me to make use of those opportunities and take charge of my life.

Forming lasting memories of new people and new experiences became amy priority. No more ignoring what seemed to be trivial.This sentence lacks a subject. I knewknow it wasis time to look at my world, at my surroundings, at everything I had been through in my life, and recognize their importance to me. Life wasis now about appreciation and being able to obtain happiness because, as that baby showed, that happiness could suddenly be squandered The baby didn't waste it. Rather it was unfairly taken away from her. The baby didn't have a choice.

There are also some tense errors in your last paragraph.

Life is too short for such a waste. - This is obvious to everyone. A generalisation at the ending will erode the personal voice in your essay.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Engineering Short Essay [3]

Please describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. What experiences have influenced you? (Approximately 250 words)

Out of curiosity, I once dismantled the CD-Rom drive and meddled with the movable head assembly before putting the screws back. This attempt to understand how light beam works in disc reading gave me a hair-raising experience when a CD-Rom exploded in the drive. It happened probably due to my wrong assembly, and numerous pieces of plastic shrapnel were, like firings from a turret, shooting out of the tray. This did not deter me from doing my own experiments. Unconvinced that the Planck's constant is a very small number, I designed a circuit to measure it using light emitting diodes. Finding out how things work is additional to my hobby of changing every fused light bulb and faulty lavatory cistern in the house.

In high school, my encounter with the elegant Schrodinger's equation was intriguing for I realize there is a chance that the full stop in this very sentence might tunnel through this sheet of paper. The scanning tunneling microscope exposed me to the interesting atomic surface of a matter while the study of optical fibers made me appreciate the convenience of a broadband and a cable television. Electrical engineering suits me best as I can pursue my passions in math and physics, and at the same time, explore my interests in nanotechnology and photonics.

With a diverse engineering faculty, University of Michigan is a great place for me to collaborate with other engineers in multi-disciplinary projects and I look forward to entering your Solid-State Electronics Laboratory and creating useful devices for the benefits of mankind. A prospective engineer has decided to go Blue.

(265 words)

Comments and critcisms please. Is my answer focused enough? Is the last sentence childish? Thanks.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Uclers and football-UCs essay [8]

Hi Kerfuffin,

A significant part of this essay is dedicated to football, which I thought was not very wise since you have mentioned your love for football in your second essay.

Family, community and school. Family was not mentioned at all. I thought your family will play a big role in the moves unless you are staying by yourself. The part, on community, was written in a rather negative light.

Most importantly, what are your dreams? What do you want to do in life? What do you want to major in? How do these connect your background? You have only answered half of the question. I suggest you delete the football portion and focus on telling the admission officers how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 6, 2009
Undergraduate / "Diversity makes us a better university for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." [5]

Hi DylanH,

For most of my life, I attended schools

was engrained Should it be ingrained? into my cultural brain

middle and high schools

That's Do not use contractions not to say that my family was upscale Try not to use the word upscale twice in a short essay

I don't do not think anybody would truly deny that; We don't do not strive to succeed

although sincere and excellent people

I like your last sentence. Powerful and filled with ambitions. It gave me the urge to comment after reading.

A pity that such a fine piece of writing doesn't really answer the prompt. The key thing to the first part of the prompt is "So having been through these, what have you learned?"
qyuiosilent   
Oct 6, 2009
Undergraduate / 'A new electrical plug' - UIUC Essays (Academic Interests/Activity) [3]

Thank you very much for your comments, Sean.

You pointed out a very big mistake I made and I missed out -> "Since young, blind buskers in shopping districts have always captured my attention and inspired me with their harmonicas".
qyuiosilent   
Oct 5, 2009
Undergraduate / 'A new electrical plug' - UIUC Essays (Academic Interests/Activity) [3]

Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

Ten years ago, I changed a new electrical plug for an iron. The circuit breaker tripped when I turned on the appliance and the whole house was engulfed in darkness. This happened for a few times until I discovered the correct arrangement for the live, ground and neutral connections. Since then, I was fascinated about science and how electricity works. The changing of every fused light bulb in the house has thus become my hobby.

In high school, I realized that the electron is more than a carrier of electricity. Being neither here nor there, it can also exist as a wave. The fact that our real world is made up of these packets of uncertainty, and that there is a chance that the full stop in this very sentence might tunnel through this sheet of paper intrigued me. To convince myself that the Planck's constant is a very small number, I designed a circuit to measure it using light emitting diodes.

I enjoy understanding how elegant equations are derived from elementary numbers and axioms, intricate machines are constructed based on simple laws in physics and practical problems are solved with application of economical knowledge. The scanning tunneling microscope, with the aid of the electrons, exposed me to the interesting atomic surface of a matter while the study of optical fibers made me appreciate the convenience of a broadband and cable television. Electrical engineering suits me best as I can pursue my passions in math and physics, and at the same time, explore my interests in nanotechnology and photonics.

With a distinguished and diverse faculty, UIUC is a great place for me to collaborate with other engineers in multi-disciplinary projects and I look forward to entering your Micro and Nanotechnology Laboratory and creating useful nanodevices for the benefits of mankind.

(300 words)

Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

My appetite for new experiences prompted me to pick up a musical instrument though I had no musical background. Since young, blind buskers in shopping districts have always captured my attention and inspired me with their harmonicas. Also, I do not deny that my decision to join the high school's Harmonica Band sprang from my novel intention to play a romantic solo for her on a stage.

To most people, the harmonica may seem unstylish and easy-to-play. However, the different mouth techniques, like a staccato kiss or a legato slide, on the harmonica require fine execution in order to produce harmonious melodies. Hours of practice occasionally left me with cracked lips, and admonitions from my conductor often filled me with guilt. However, all these were worth the opportunity for a first public performance. A full house patronage and boisterous applauses were nonetheless rewarding, but true satisfaction came from immersing in the joyous mood or the poignant tales of the musical pieces, playing more with heart than mouth and enjoying every moment on the stage. These, along with the chemistry among the players, kept me close to the Band.

The harmonica was a source of relaxation from my hectic academic life although the pressure to play well and live up to the music drove me to practice industriously. Performing in the public boasted my confidence, while playing in the Band taught me how to strike a balance between creativity and technical accuracy. I also learned the importance of teamwork as every concert would not be successful without the combined effort of my fellow members, teachers and conductor.

I have never regretted that I did not get to perform a solo, as I realized that sometimes, life is meaningful when it is less of me and more of us.

(297 words)

Thanks for reading. Is my first essay too generic? Please criticize hard and frankly.
qyuiosilent   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Application essay help (Civil Engineering/Dance) [6]

Hi fearlessdancer, I was typing for the past 15 minutes and all was lost when I was directed to a page "access denied". Sorry, so please ignore my previous post.

1. You need to structure your essay into paragraphs.

2. Don't say that you have excelled in maths and science. Admission officers can see that you are actually very good in these from your GPA and coursework. Don't repeat. Use this essay to tell them other things about yourself.

3. I noticed that you have work experiences related to civil engineering. Seize this to discuss the interesting ideas you encountered in your work!

4. You need to share some your interests in maths (differential equations?) and science (dynamics and newton's law?).

5. Don't under utilize the 300 words. I was expecting something more on the virtual bridge when I was reading. I believe you have plenty of interesting engineering ideas to share right?

Good luck!
qyuiosilent   
Oct 4, 2009
Undergraduate / UIUC Application essay help (Civil Engineering/Dance) [6]

Hi fearlessdancer, let me attempt on your first essay:

It has always been my dream This is too commonly-used.

my life long goal of becoming a civil engineer.

Ever since I was young, I have excelled at mathematics and science. Numbers came easy to me and I was a natural problem solver, but it was not until seventh grade that I realized I was born to be an engineer. It all started in my technology class when I received a seemingly simple computer assignment; build an animated version of fully functioning bridge. I found taking measurements to construct the ideal bridge and then testing my designs fascinating. After class, I looked into jobs that involved constructing roads and bridges and fell in love with civil engineering.

Since then, I have prepared myself by taking advanced mathematics and science courses including AP Calculus and AP Physics. I would like to jump right into the engineering program and gain hands on experience so I will be ready to tackle any civil engineering job after high school. One opportunity I would like to seize during my college experience is participating in the intern program in order to work with other engineers in a job setting. I would also like to interact with other women engineers while at UIUC. Because engineering is a male dominated field, I hope to branch out and even encourage young women to becoming interested in engineering as well.

(235 Words)
qyuiosilent   
Sep 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia [4]

Thanks Simone. Your mention of the two adjectives starting with "e" helped me spot an error - should be "an enervating day of well drilling" instead of a day of enervating well drilling"

Thanks Parisa. I missed out some words and commas when I was shortening it. Go Blue is a Michigan "slogan", so I thought of mentioning it instead of the word "Michigan". I'm not very sure if I'm going way too much out to catch the attention of admission officers.
qyuiosilent   
Sep 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Michigan Diversity Essay - Well drilling in Cambodia [4]

"We know that diversity makes us a better university -- better for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." (U-M President Mary Sue Coleman)

Share an experience through which you have gained respect for intellectual, social, or cultural differences. Comment on how your personal experiences and achievements would contribute to the diversity of the University of Michigan.


Three years ago, I embarked on an overseas community service trip in Prey Veng, Cambodia. Part of the project required my group to drill a well in a remote. After a day of enervating well-drilling, we were exhilarated to see the first upward splash of water. I quickly washed my muddy limbs with the water as I could not wait to grab my can of cold 100 plus in the van. When I was doing my wash-up, the sight of Cambodians drinking water, with their cupped hands, excitedly and anxiously from the well struck me.

What I used for self-cleaning, they drank voluptuously. The water, which I thought was dirty, was actually the essential of their life. What was unattractive to me was appealing to them.

My belief that people who are indigent are sorrowful was overthrown. It dawned on me that one's happiness is not hinged on one's affluence. The water that I eventually tasted was more rejuvenating and cooling than my isotonic drink. For the rest of my stay, I learn to appreciate the people's culture and their way of life. Although the villagers lived in straw houses, they led happy lives. Their tenacity and optimistic attitude despite their hardships commanded my respect.

Back home, my weekly volunteering in the Home for the Intellectually Disabled, participation in the Singapore Model United Nations conference, involvement in grassroots activities and conscription in the Singapore Armed Forces have allowed me to interact with people from all strata of the society. With these, I will bring to the university's heterogeneous community my enriching experiences as a volunteer, a debater, a leader and soldier. A prospective engineer, who has learned more outside his classroom, is going Blue.

Please comment, I am not sure if I miss the prompt. Thanks.
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