Holt Educational Consultant
Oct 19, 2016
Undergraduate / 'Vagrant naked kids. Roads covered with the horrors of cow dungs.' NOV 1 help in editing.... [9]
Try to revise the opening paragraph to provide a better opening statement. I think it works better if you open by saying:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 10, I had to see my mother in the hospital for one whole year ... married at the early age.
I thought of adding a few sentences to what would become your second paragraph. I think it should be revised to say:
I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married offer but my father thought otherwise. He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. He wanted me to have the freedom to choose my husband even though my parents were a result of an advanced marriage themselves. The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I became determined that in the days to come...
Then close it with:
I like to think I have already started my journey....
You can remove the phrase you closed the essay with because it doesn't really have a meaning that can properly close the essay. See if this works for you and it it does, you can further develop it.
Try to revise the opening paragraph to provide a better opening statement. I think it works better if you open by saying:
Kaudena, a village located at the south of Nepal, is the place where my mother was married at the tender age of 16. It is located in a very rural area and barely has any facilities that the capital Kathmandu has. When I was 10, I had to see my mother in the hospital for one whole year ... married at the early age.
I thought of adding a few sentences to what would become your second paragraph. I think it should be revised to say:
I almost became a child bride myself at the age of 13, when my grandfather insisted I must be married offer but my father thought otherwise. He wanted me to have a better future than the other girls from our village. He wanted me to have the freedom to choose my husband even though my parents were a result of an advanced marriage themselves. The day I overheard the conversation between my father and grandfather, and considering what had happened to my mother, I became determined that in the days to come...
Then close it with:
I like to think I have already started my journey....
You can remove the phrase you closed the essay with because it doesn't really have a meaning that can properly close the essay. See if this works for you and it it does, you can further develop it.