Graduate / "Education should unfold one's inborn faculties"; SOP- Petroleum Engineering [2]


When you say "that education" it refers to petroleum engineering. So why do you say it's (petroleum engineering) an inherent part of a man's life? I'm a bit puzzled as for me it sounds like a specialized field and I cannot figure out how it's going to be an inherent part of my life. Is it a typo or you really mean to express some good idea? If so, you better be a little more descriptive about that otherwise the reader would not get it right.

Graduate / MS in Computer Science ; Motivation lettter- Graduate admission(Germany) [4]

In your opeing sentence you say that you are interested in math and physics. So it implies that you are passionate about this discipline and therefore no need to reiterate. This is my suggestion for your first para;

[i]From a very young age, I enjoyed solving mathematical problems and showed a great talent for that. That was the advent my strong passion in maths, physics and eventually in computer science.[/i]

Speeches / School is a temple of learning ; My School Plans [6]


School is a temple of learning where we learn from the basics to more complicated life skills and morals while attaching many sentiments and affection to that institution.


It is the place where we learn our manners, discipline, punctuality; Also it is the place where we begin to gain both theoretical and practical knowledge on subjects of vast dimension; science, art, history, geography, economics and so on. More than that, it is that shapes our character by teaching us good values and morals.

Undergraduate / Ohio state app; What I look forward for next 4 years thay may surprise others [6]


As my curiosity and affection grew I began to flirt with numbers.
This is your prompt;


Reading your prompt, I have the feeling that you need to give more emphasis about the things you are looking forward to happening in four years that may suprise your friends and family. So, I think you need to come to this point faster than what you've written. Think of what you want to be in four years and contrast that future personality with the one you have today. Can that surprise your friends and family?

Undergraduate / Transfer Upenn supplement - Benjamin Franklin quote. Multi-dimensionality [4]


Growing up as an immigrant child can be a moving experience.


This is particularly true for one who hails from an economically unstable country like my native Nicaragua that pushed me towards the US.


[i]I made a choice by migrating to the US, leaving my family in Nicaragua, in pursuit of my educational goals and in hope of inspiring the lives of my siblings too.[/i]

Writing Feedback / There was a gradual slight drop in the sales of CDs during this three years period (2000-2003) [5]


Another way of presenting this idea;
A gradual decline in the sales of CDs can be observed during this period with sales dropping by 4 bn from 2000 to 2003.

I suggest you to give an overall picture in the first para and then move into details in the proceeding paras. Describe the general trends that you observe at your first glance in the first para;

As per the graph illustration, it can be observed that sales of CDs dominate the market in these three categories during the period under review, although the growth rate of CD sales had been maintained at a very marginal level. DVD/Video sales record the highest sales growth while the Games software too show a significant growth in sales during this period.

Scholarship / Putting the world in my art, and showing my art to the world. [3]


I have a suggestion for punctuation :)


The first part is nice, but the latter sounds a bit confusing. :(


Instead of feeling belongingness, I felt like studying my own local habits from an international perception; why my people behave in certain ways and what are the hidden messages of those idioms and sayings.

Undergraduate / How I envision my studies at COA/ Career Goals [4]

I find hard to find a link between the unemployment issue and your desire for introducing green technologies in your country. I feel that is missing in your answer. Also I wish your focus is set more on your studies at COA and the career goals.

Undergraduate / Out-of-State University ; Transfer- What excites me about GW Commnunity [5]


I like if you break this sentence up. I feel it's a little bit lengthy and hence disturb your flow.


I am thrilled to be surrounded by peers coming form across the nation. That will allow me to enhance my networking opportunities while broadening my perspectives.


I think your idea does not flow properly.... Is it that you want to tell,
This would certainly create a great college with a rich social exposure that I am eagerly looking forward to.

Undergraduate / Breaking the glass ceiling amongst women in Engineering - UofT Engineering SPF [4]

You have nicely presented this... It speaks well about your character, background and will. However, other than the Nalalie Panke's video and your family background, you do not talk about your interests in engineering. I mean a particular field of engineering which you found very interesting. I think you better touch on that because it is important to show that you have a special liking in this major.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Some people think the role of women in military or police forces is relevant [6]


Grammar issue; role is/ roles are
Also I cannot understand the message that you try to convey from this opening sentence. I guess it's better if you could rephrase.


You should not protect criminals. You should bring these criminals before the law. However, it is important to prevent crimes.


I feel it's better if you add a few words to say why women should do this;
In my opinion, women can play an important role in military and police forces by sharing responsiblities with men in order to bring peace and harmony for their nations.

Essays / Research about skill problem such as writing and time managing [8]


I believe that every student has his own strenghts and weaknesses. In my case, I need to sharpen my time management skills as well as my writing skills.


Being a shift worker for years, I have well understood how I would be benefitted by improving my time management skills.


No issue, I can help you with this. Only thing is I need to have a clear idea about the purpose. If you can tell me the purpose, I can align your writing with it :)

Essays / Research about skill problem such as writing and time managing [8]


well.... why do you include "plagiarism" in this? It is something that you should refrain from doing because it is stealing someone else's ideas. So it is actually not a strength nor a skill. Time management and writing are skills you need to have... So if you feel you are weak in them, yes you should improve. However, I don't understand why you had "plagiarism" in this list :(


I am not good with managing time and this is because I have no a weakness in identifying the priorities; what is more important to do the first.

Scholarship / Hello and Zaijian! (multicultural scholarship essay for SCAD) [4]


... Ohhhhh.... that's great fun!


...though I had no clue on certain things they were saying to me and also they looked quite startled when I hugged them.



This is awesome writing... Sounds very genuine and I think you really deserve this scholarship. Wish you all the best!

Undergraduate / 'A Coercive Passage' - Yongzheng Emperor (Common App historical figure) [3]


.... I'm not clear about this.... killed a child's childhood?


...you are presenting a smart theory :D .... Only I wish if you present it in a more simpler tone so that it would be easily comprehended.

Childhood is no doubt blessed with no pressure, danger or conspiracy. It's like a blank paper, yet awaiting to have scripts printed on it with black ink. With these black ink scripts the childhood ends because children follow a "black and white" theory for perceiving things.

Essays / Detective Fiction Story Rules - introduction [2]


some writers/ some of the writers
Some writers develop their thoughts and imaginations into great writings instinctively.


... You talk of a formula and that makes the second part , order of events, redundant.
On the other hand, only few books would guide us how to tell a story by introducing a structured formula and rules.


....practice of detective fiction rules would challenge the author's freedom that would hamper his creative talents.

Undergraduate / Sister diagnosed with EPILEPSY; U Richmond Transfer/ EXPERIENCE leaving comfort zone [4]

I expressed you my concern because I feel this is not exactly in line with what they expect. However, you put some good effort drafting this and therefore I feel you should be able to modify this to have this aligned with what they expect. Can't you think of some sort of personal sacrifice you had to make in this situation. If there's something like that, you can bring up that and tell them how you took up that challenge and what you learned out of it. However, the focus should retain on you and not on your sis. I'm confident that you can do something with this story.... After all, it's family matter that would have had a great bearing on all of you.

Essays / MY SELFLESS UNCLE; A person i admire [4]

The person I admire is my uncle Micheal. He is a bit lighter in complexion and three inches taller than me. What I admire about him is that he is such a generous and kindhearted person to everyone. He is very selfless and helps people without expecting anything in return.

"selfless" is a good keyword which means the opposite of "selfish"

Scholarship / Love Finance ; Financial need statement; SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [3]


... I think this line needs a little bit of improvement in clarity;
I am in a funny situation; I love Finance and working as a loan officer while at the same time I need financial support for me.


For me, saving for my studies is an extremely difficult task due to the current situation in my country Iran, which is now subject to hyperinflation and sharp decline in its exchange rate. This distressing situation ruined not only my little savings but also my dreams and aspiration for the future. Now I am left with no other alternative but to strive hard to earn a scholarship that would be the only way left for me to pursue my plans and dreams

Writing Feedback / essay about depending on online learning in the future with no schools. [4]


... This does not reveal anything special. So you need to specify how it provides education to everybody. It's good to start with a more meaningful statement that can punch the reader :D


Do you refer to a "shift"?


... it means that if you have internet access, you are exposed to unlimited information.


Online learning does not know geographical or time barriers. In fact it can be instrumental in integrating different cultures,religions, beliefs and peoples' sentiments.

Graduate / Computer Aided Design & Finite Element Methods; Letter of intent (SOP) - US Unis [4]


Actually I did not mean that you added too much info. What I suggested was to change the tone of your writing to sound more personal than a resume. There are good SOPs you can find in this forum and I suggest you to read them to get an idea about how other guys have presented their SOPs. I don't suggest you to copy or follow them, in fact that can be dangerous too, but it's worth trying to feel how others respond.

I think you can tell them more about you through the SOP. Why you are passionate about following this course; Why you think you stand as a potential candidate (here you can talk about your credentials and background); what you aspire to become (your short term/ long term goals), why you think this institution is the right choice. Also you could include the challenges you faced and how you overcame too :) ....

Undergraduate / IMAGE OF MY TRIBE; Difference in community; What you learned from that experience? [2]

I represent a tribal community in Pakistan which had traditionally been regarded as aggressive and rude. During my Ordinary Level studies, I strongly felt the need for changing this perception for the betterment of my community. I began this struggle with myself first. I became a more compassionate and progressive person to earn the respect and appreciation of others despite of my tribal roots. Then I joined several organizations that worked for promoting education in the regions like CRSD, Adult literacy center and worked as an assistant teacher. I also volunteered with Natural Disaster management during catastrophic floods in 2010. I'm happy that I have been able to change the image of my people to at least some extent.

Undergraduate / Why waterloo; Why software engineering; Why CS [2]

:D

Let see what we can do;


My dream is to become an excellent software engineer. I know this needs both self and academic learning equally.


I believe constructive discussions with peers is an integral part of self-learning which is also very inspiring.


Waterloo, the most innovative Canadian university as per Maclean's annual ranking is no doubt would provide me with an environment of intellectual peers, great education and valuable work exposure.

Undergraduate / "Difference is the essence"; U Washington/SeattleTransfer - Personal Statement [7]

Okkkkkkkk.... all this sounds good. But in my understanding SOP means more than a listing of accomplishments. Rather it is your opportunity to talk to the admission committee directly and let them know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. So I wish you include more creativity to this answer. They ask you;


Present them your journey so far. Tell them about different facets of it; the challenges you took up, what you learned through them, the choices you mad etc.

Your SOP needs their attention to stand out among hundreds of other applications.

Writing Feedback / The best values and principles children should be brought up with ^^ [5]


As this is something which is hard for a small child to comprehend at a tender age, the parents need to be good role models to their children so that children would be able to understand value of being honest through their own experiences as they grow.


Therefore good parental guidance and behavior play a great role in shaping the values of children because children tend to adopt values and ideals of their primary caregivers. This phenomenon is also known as child imprinting by which they will unconditionally accept the beliefs and teachings of their parents.

Undergraduate / Everything is about Choices- COMMON APP/ Hardships [10]


Well... this puts the reader in a very ambiguous state by letting him wonder what you are going to say... I think it's better you give some idea as to what happened in early parts of your essay rather than getting them to read the whole essay. You should arouse curiosity but you should do it with utmost care without having them loosing their interest in reading your answer. So, my advice for you is to come to the point sooner and not later.

Writing Feedback / WHEN there IS a WILL there IS a WAY, NO matter what people say.. [3]


Therefore I chose to start at Ernst and Young, a highly reputed firm which is a dream work exposure for a finance major student.



....strong point :)


....exactly !
I admire your courage and wish you good luck with all your future endeavors!

Graduate / Computer Aided Design & Finite Element Methods; Letter of intent (SOP) - US Unis [4]


... I suggest "environment" in place of "atmosphere"
This is good, but I have the understanding that SOP is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments, but rather an opportunity for you to address the admission committee directly and to let them know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. So in that sense, I wish if you bring in more personal and emotional appeal to this writing.

Undergraduate / University of Texas Transfer application! Personal statement- Learning From my city [2]

This is beautifully presented. But if you are desperate in cutting down the word count, take a few things off from the first few lines. Though they are good at creating a fine picture of Downtown Austin, I think it is slightly overly done. You should be able to save a reasonable number of words if you make it shorter.

You display a remarkable skill in writing and I don't have a heart to propose you cuts and chops :D So, I don't want to make my suggestions for your sentences, but my advice for you is to shrink the parts that you have been elaborating on more details that can be not contributing so much to your main points.

Undergraduate / "Don't wait until someone says you are great" ; The Best Advice [4]


Well... I find this does not flow well.... specially the highlighted part :(
I feel you better re-phrase it to give its specific message and idea. Or you can avoid it completely and start with the second line... Yep, I think that sounds good sense;


.... My suggestion;
"If you think you are good at something, just don't wait for someone to tell you "you are great"; Show them how remarkable you are at it", said Jasmine, one of my closest friends.

then you can continue with the next line;

Graduate / SOP for change of Major, Electronics to Msc Industrial Engineering. [3]



.... Well ....sounds as if the sentence is too long and also "where I " is getting repeated. This is a good sentence and with a little bit of re-phrasing you can make it better, I guess :)

I think you've done a real good job. I only wish if you just talked about how your passion in this direction developed over the period. That's the only part I found missing and since this is your SOP, it is good to mention about it.

Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / Essay about the direction of financing of government for culture (Issue Task GRE) [4]


Because they are densely populated, it is easier to gather more crowds for events with traditional and cultural significance.


This sentence does not deliver your idea clearly. I feel you better rephrase this one


Well the claim states the governments should ensure financial support for these processes.... So I think you need to rephrase this too.

Undergraduate / Sister diagnosed with EPILEPSY; U Richmond Transfer/ EXPERIENCE leaving comfort zone [4]


.... I included punctuation.


I feel it's better you slightly re-phrase this... It's a good sentence, but wish you improve its clarity.


enjoys partying as a normal sixteen year old.


This very good writing. My only concern is that this is about someone else's struggle and your personal experience is nothing more than observing the situation being helpless.( though she's your sis). I wonder whether they expect you to write something that you yourself left the comfort zone to take up a certain challenge and describe that experience.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-Rare languages disappear from the world. Some people say is not important [5]


Pay attention to grammar;
rare language fades away/ rare languages fade away
rare language is fading away/ rare languages are fading away


This sentence also has several grammar issues. Try to write simple sentences until you get the knack of grammar forms;
Some people believe that it is good to have only a few languages. However, others believe that rare languages too should exist.

Writing Feedback / Graph:leisure activities compassion :pie chart [4]


.... excellent :)


In 1999 it was 13% and then it had reduced to 4 in 2009.


[i]Soccer has remained at the same level, however, a slight decline can be observed during the decade.[/i]

Graduate / Specialize in Signal processing & VLSI; SOP in VLSI, MS [4]


Well this sounds a bit odd. When you say "from my childhood", the reader feels that what could child would know about MS program. I think you better rephrase this line.


During my undergraduate studies, my favorite subjects have been Communication systems, Signal processing, VLSI, Control systems and Microprocessors.


I feel this is a better line to start your para :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Second Language should be compulsory for all children? [4]


... contemporary means modern and therefore the word "today " makes it sounds redundant.


This sentence has two issues; First, your prompt does not speak about learning more foreign languages. It speaks about learning a second language. This second language can be foreign or even local. For example, an Indian student learning Hindi and Marathi. So, when you use the word "foreign", it sounds a bit out of topic. Second, this idea you had presented in a more complicated way. You can present it in a more simpler, yet interesting manner;

Therefore, learning a second language, especially an international language like English would immensely help students in their future endeavors.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph)Pie chart: Comparison of household expenses between the yrs 2010 & 1950 [2]


.... Hey.... be careful with grammar ; chart compares/ charts compare
The pie charts present a comparison between the average household expenditure in the year 1950 and 2010.


This is not a very good statement; You can definitely present this better :)
There is a significant difference in the patterns of household expenditure in the years under review.


In 1950, over 72% of the household expenditure had been spent on housing purposes but has significantly reduced by 50% in the year 2010 which only shows a 22% housing purpose expense.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) Coca-Cola consumption and its share value [3]


.... good start :)
Also here you can report another very good observation;
As per the pie chart illustration, in the year 2000, North and Latin America have dominated the Coca Cola consumption which accounts to 56.1% of their total production.


Europe comes in third place by consuming 20.5% of the total consumption which is more than 2.6% of the Asian consumption.

Writing Feedback / Graph: Different levels of education in developing and developed nations. [7]

Well, I think it depends on the situation. You can combine tenses as well. Also I advise you to use passive forms more often in report writing to avoid this confusion at times. Let's take a few examples from this one itself;

It can be observed that the developed countries have reached the target levels for the numbers of girls enrolling with secondary schools in both 1990 and 1998.

[i]The bar charts illustrate that the developing countries have fallen significantly low in the statistics of girls enrolled with tertiary education institutes compared to the developed countries.[/i... here I have mixed all tenses :)