Undergraduate / "A Role Model in Fiction" (Common App essay) the influence of a fiction char. [15]

I'm going to come down in the middle here. These days, colleges and universities bend over backwards to accommodate what are increasingly called "people of faith." However, the heavy religious focus of this essay made me assume you were applying to Bob Jones or some other overtly religious institution. If I were reading this essay at a secular university, I would worry: Is this somebody who won't be able to participate in secular class discussions with people of other faiths because s/he can't quit referring to Christ in every other sentence?

Writing Feedback / the multimineral Zorba pill (GRE argumentative essay) [3]

Who is "the author"? Why are you so concerned about him or her? Why not focus on the question at hand: Are the conclusions of the piece warranted? You focus on suggesting implausible problems with the research, which would only be possible in the unlikely event that the researchers conducting the study did not follow basic guidelines for conducting medical research. In so doing, you miss the glaring logical error at the end of the piece, where it is suggested that informing the general public of these findings will help to prevent new ulcers. In fact, the study was not relevant to the general public, but only to people who have already had ulcers.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]

I hear you, but Lakoff and Johnson are on a different project altogether. Have a look. It's on Google books.

Undergraduate / And the boy loved the tree?/ Character in a fiction [7]

Hmmm... I can't read this essay without thinking about my own analysis of that story, which is that nature is presented as existing for the use of people, the tree as the all-giving mother, the boy's heedless use of the tree as perfectly natural, and the reduction of the tree to a stump acceptable rather than tragic. That being the case, I too question your wish to emulate the tree, to be so selflessly giving that you will let people use you up and then thank them for it.

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

Oh, heaven's. I've also taught at U.S. colleges and universities, so I may know more than you, Sean, about what admissions officers are looking for. All that I was saying is that one has to streeeeetch to say that this story does not involve a risk. The risk of participating in any sort of protest is obvious to virtually anyone, unless one is being willfully obtuse, which the real readers of this essay will not be.

For heaven's sake: Do not let the reactions of a few cranky readers on this forum lead you to abandon a lively and original essay that (a) is on topic and (b) concerns a matter about which many educators are concerned (unequal educational facilities).

Writing Feedback / GRE issue---Government support or restrict scientific research [4]


Is that true? If so, give an example. (I can think of stem cell research and cloning.) Also, "since the past few years" is awkward. Say "in the past few years" or "in recent years."

Overall, I find this essay to be incoherent and internally inconsistent. You seem to argue both for and against nuclear and stem cell research. Perhaps you are taking a nuanced position where some forms of such research are to be fostered while others are to be banned, but this is not at all clear from your phrasing. Your examples of introducing "nature enemies" (natural enemies?) "into species" (into the species? or into their habitats?) is mystifying, coming as it does with no transition or explanation to anyone unfamiliar with the projects you are discussing. Here, too, you ought to show an understanding that introducing any element into the wild (as opposed to playing in the laboratory) carries the risk of unexpected impacts on ecosystems, as when the pollen of genetically engineered plants turned out to be harmful to monarch butterflies or when genetically modified salmon began mating with wild salmon although it had been believed this would be impossible. It might be a good idea to discuss what some scientists call "the precautionary principle."

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]

it has all started
Pratt Institute has provided
I have always known
I was first explored (???)
I would plan

I'm not sure why you are using auxiliaries with virtually every verb. At first I thought you just had the bad habit of making every verb as passive as possible. But now I see that you do this even when doing so makes the sentence into nonsense.

Whatever the reason, stop doing this. Whenever possible, use verbs as they are rather than adding confusing auxiliary verbs to them:
It all started...
I first explored..
I plan...

Graduate / 'Gibbons and childhood' - Admissions Essay for Vet School [6]

The writing in this essay is vivid and descriptive. However, the sentiments expressed are somewhat trite. Also, I perceive a disconnection between your claim of compassion for animals and you wish to work at zoos, at which animals are held captive for the viewing pleasure of people, despite the scientific research demonstrating how very bad for their health such captivity can be. (The latest findings concerning zoo elephants are chilling.) Mistreatment of animals by zookeepers is also not uncommon, although perhaps you did not witness this as an intern. Probably, you should research the school to which you are applying. If they are pro-zoo, you're safe with this essay. If, however, their faculty includes veterinarians who have blown the whistle on zoos, you might want to moderate your pro-zoo position with some sort of statement that indicates you are aware of ongoing controversies within the field concerning whether, in fact, zoos in any way serve the proclaimed purpose of conservation when we know that species are best preserved by preserving their habitats.

Undergraduate / "A Role Model in Fiction" (Common App essay) the influence of a fiction char. [15]

Are you replying to a religious institution?

Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]


No, that's OK. It creates a sense of immediacy, and the date makes things clear.

Book Reports / Hamlet Claudius Manipulator - how he was doing it? [4]


I see that you are asking for "fast service" and yet not being as generous to others as they hope you will be to you. Indeed, I don't see any posts from you on the threads of others. Spend some time giving thoughtful feedback to other forum members, and you will find that they will speedily return the favor.

Undergraduate / 'My dedication to music' - FSU philosophy; "Vires, Artes, Mores" [5]


It's these kinds of summarizing statements, along with the introduction, that make the essay bland despite it's powerful emotional content. Stay with what happened and how you felt. In conclusion, say something more specific than "very fulfilling and exciting."

Research Papers / "Holy farm" and" Brighton Greens" - Business Contract Law Assignment [3]

Right. Also check to make sure you have permission to post the case here. Quoting assignments is usually OK, but this is a long narrative written by somebody who might object to it being posted in full text.

Undergraduate / At first, it was difficult to overcome my self-conscious barrier and obvious cultural differences [4]


Find a way to cut the extra ten, just to be sure. For example, "my self-conscious barrier and obvious cultural differences" can be changed to "my self-conciousness and cultural differences," saving you two words.

Writing Feedback / -- Writing from India (essay about holidays and truth) [29]


Lakoff and Johnson's Philosophy in the Flesh explores the philosophical implications of these and other recent findings in neurology.

Book Reports / 'The antagonist' - Reading Response on a short story [3]

I worry that this is too much synopsis and not enough reaction. Also, the lack of a clear thesis and conclusion leave me wondering how to sum up your reaction.

Undergraduate / My life, my environment - UCF Admissions Essay [11]


I'm trying to envision bumps "centralizing" and I just can't do it. Perhaps you could change this to more simply state that you have confronted a number of challenges, all centered on (or rooted in) the financial struggles of your family.

Before his incarceration, he failed to pay child support and alimony to my mother who then had to acquire two jobs in order to support herself, my brother, and me .

The guideline for I/me or her/she in this situation is to take out the other people in the list and then see which one you would use: "support I" or "support me"? Support me.

Money never comes easily in our family, so we highly value whatever we have.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

The point is that you are supposed to post revisions to an essay in the same thread rather than starting a new thread. It looks like you've got a new user name too, which just makes it all the more confusing, at least to me.

Book Reports / Stone Angel (analytical essay: what Hagar wanted and got out of life?) [3]

How can we help you with an introduction if we don't know what you are going to say? Probably, you are having trouble with the introduction because you don't yet know what you are going to say. It is impossible to write an effective introduction if you've not yet decided what you are going to say. It's impossible to write a thesis statement if you haven't yet figured out your thesis.

So, What do you think: Consider material and spiritual things. Then evaluate her life. Is what she wanted of any value? Did she accomplish anything worthwhile in her life?

Brainstorm or free-write your answers to those questions. Keep brainstorming or free-writing until you have enough ideas to begin to narrow them into a thesis statement. We can help you phrase your thesis statement, and give you ideas for how to introduce and organize the essay, once we (and therefore you) know what you're going to say in the body of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Students should be in control of their own education (IBT) [4]


Again, the word you want is "aims," not "targets."

Undergraduate / Thong Kheng Home for the mentally disabled (Common Application Short Essay) [6]

I edited the title of your post. If you want people to read your post (and if you want to abide by the rules of the forum), make sure that the title of your thread says something about the content of your essay.

That said, here in the United States, it is considered offensive to refer to adults with mental retardation or other mental disabilities as "children." They are not children. They are adults with disabilities who are, as you say, "just like you and me." We don't like being called children. Nor do they.

Undergraduate / Personal Growth (Application for Re-Admission to LeMoyne College) [4]

What I suggest you do is make this less rambling. Lead with this sentence:


Trim everything else into a more concise narrative. Keep the details; just get rid of the overly relaxed phrasings such as "Alot could be said for."

Undergraduate / NO SUPPORT. NO RESPECT. NO HOMEFIELD. [14]

Excuse me, but participating in a protest is, indeed a risk. Anyone who has done it knows how scared those young players must have felt just before the big moment. Keep the essay. It does in fact answer the prompt.

Writing Feedback / A concise narrative about an important event - UF Architecture college essay! [17]

You could leave out the over-used rainbow/rain statement altogether.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

Yes, although quite counter to the intentions of the askers of the question!

Undergraduate / Not Becoming My Enemy? (Princeton Supplemental Essay Topic, 500 Words Max) [5]


Identify the source of the quotation within your first paragraph.

Graduate / "The burgeoning field of Computer Science" - my Statement of Purpose [6]

The highlighted portion seems fine to me. As I understand it, parallel computing is particularly hot right now and seems likely to become more so in coming years as chip architecture evolves for speed. That being the case, I'd drop your first line entirely, in order to move more quickly to the news, at the end of your first paragraph, that this is your particular interest.

Undergraduate / Influential person for Common Apps-my boyfriend [12]

I appreciate the insight that you demonstrate in this story. However, I'm not sure the subject suits your purposes. Even though you express clearly how this particular young man helped you in a significant way, young women who choose "my boyfriend" as their influential person tend not to be taken seriously as potential scholars. Think about giving this essay to Nic, to let him know how significant he has been to you, and then choosing another person (or another prompt) for this essay.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

Wow, this is the third essay we've seen about remarkably similar history teachers. Scary.

Undergraduate / "demolishing the kitchen" - Common Application short response [3]

I'm so glad to see that someone else has pointed out the verb problem, which detracts from the liveliness of this otherwise charming essay.

Undergraduate / Coffee seed, coffee tree and Starbucks - Common apps: topic of your choice [7]

I also wondered if the last paragraph was needed. But I elected to offer a revision rather than telling you to omit it because, as we have seen on some other threads, some readers are awfully literal and need to be told what a more creative piece means.

Writing Feedback / earth hour or how to save the world -essay [5]

You say that you need to "present" about how to save the world. Does that mean that this is a speech or presentation rather than an essay? This matters, as speeches and presentations must be structured differently than written works.

Assuming that this is an essay, the big question your reader will have is how one hour can make a difference in the huge environmental problems you have outlined so deftly. What is the theory behind the hour? Just saving whatever can be saved during that hour? Or provoking participants to be more mindful during all of the other hours of the year? Explain that in your conclusion rather than relying on the trite sayings that you now use as your concluding thoughts.

Undergraduate / "Divorced parents, child custody battle" - UCF ESSAY prompt 2 [3]

Skip the part where you compare your family to other families, mistakenly asserting that yours is so very different than most others. Families come in very many varieties these days. Keep the part about the court battle if (a) this stressful life event affected you profoundly, and (b) you are going to say how it affected you. Otherwise, stay with your father and what he has been and meant to you.

Undergraduate / My qualities as a person (caring, stern, calm, conservative) - UCF ESSAY PROMPT [6]


Really? So, you applied to every school that might accept you regardless of whether you wanted to attend that school? Furthermore, how does believing this in any way distinguish you from every other applicant, all of whom undoubtedly believe they have the qualities that the school is looking for? So, you should not only develop a stronger opening, but you should also cut this line altogether.


Look up "stern." Are you sure that's the word you want here?


Unless you have Dissociative Identity Disorder (a.k.a. multiple personalities), the phrase you want is "calm and collected."

Undergraduate / Complex personality - undergrad personal statement/college essay [9]

I imagine that what you are trying to do with this essay is allow the reader to see how you see the world as you wander through it thinking about cracks on the sidewalk. That's a valid aim for creative writing but perhaps not the best approach for an application essay unless one is a superlative writer able to covey complex nuances with memorable figures of speech. Why don't you consider what you've got so far as "pre-writing" and read it over for gems that you can use as the basis for a more coherent essay on, as Sean suggests, some specific aspect of your personality or one of the experiences to which you allude?

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]

I understand why you say that, Sean. But I actually like the intro. Can't explain why though. Perhaps because the voice of the writer comes through. It's not essential, though, so I guess it could be cut for space.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

No, it has to be "a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world." Only the writer knows what they might be. It's a good intellectual exercise to try to figure them out.

Undergraduate / "giving social services to people" - Common Application Essay [7]

I think your idea of linking to the local would make this much stronger. Go back online and figure out what's happening for people living in poverty in your community.

Essays / Question for UNC essay (word count) [26]

Right, every word should be essential. Readers hate long essays that are filled with trite phrases and empty modifiers.

Writing Feedback / Purpose for earning more money should not become the main goal for us - toefl essay [6]

Whoa! Your grammar is still so rocky that you cannot try to write such long and convoluted sentences. I got lost in your first sentence alone. What you are arguing seems sensible, but it is hard to tell because your sentences sometimes become incomprehensible. Go back through and draft the essay again using short, simple sentences.