Writing Feedback / Interpersonal communication & proxemics [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to give you some editing tips on your excellent essay!

one person catches a glimpse of another person.

from zero to about one and a half feet from an individual.

from about one and half feet to about four feet

Third, the next zone is branded as social space and ranges spread from about four feet to twelve feet

when they want to address large audiences.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Prompt A for UT at Austin: write about someone that has impacted you [4]

Greetings!

I think the flow is very good and the structure is excellent. Each paragraph seems to flow logically from the one preceding it. I don't think you have anything to worry about there!

I found a couple of other small corrections/additions:

precious life will come and go without waiting on anyone.

thoughts of running back to the minivan to go home--because I will have a new home. - I think you need some type of punctuation before "because I will have a new home" and to me, the best choice would be an em-dash; it has more dramatic effect than a comma.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / essay contest on personal experience. how do i make it more powerful? [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay is very powerful! I particularly like the ending. I have only a few suggestions for you:

I didn't answer because I did not know what a lawyer was ... None of the kids knew what a lawyer was. - I think this would be more powerful if it was written so that it sounded less repetitive. For the latter sentence, it might sound better to say "They didn't know what a lawyer was, either."

A couple of seats behind me, a girl interrupts by saying "ew." - If you're using American English, put commas and periods inside the quotation marks. If using British English, it's fine as it is. :-)

But I don't hustle past the stalls to look at brochures along with everyone else, because I knew what I wanted to be. - Don't change tenses in mid-sentence; say, "because I know what I want to be."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Prompt A for UT at Austin: write about someone that has impacted you [4]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

but the mere thought of embarrassing, let alone attracting any attention to myself, - Better would be "but the mere thought of attracting any attention to myself, much less doing something so embarrassing, kept me paralyzed. "

Okay, you got me. I didn't love the unnecessary homework or the overly strict dress code, but every day I would focus

I have come a long way from the shy, dismissive freshman

just the way my father [delete had] urged me to do in high school.

It looks like the very end may have gotten chopped off; you might want to check that. :-)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay on the basic principles of D. Ricardo's economic theory [2]

Greetings!

While I don't have a background in economics, I can give you some general guidelines for writing this type of paper. The book itself will provide you with a good outline for describing the author's theories. Begin by looking at the Table of Contents. How did the author structure his book? Those points which are most important to his thesis should probably provide the chapter headings. The Introduction will encapsulate the main points the author intends to make in the book. His concluding chapter will most likely be a summary of it. Thus, you can use the author's own work to provide a general layout of your paper. Be sure that your opening paragraph sets the thesis out clearly, and then use the following paragraphs to provide the major points which support that thesis.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Satire Essay -Rights of Handicapped Children (lack of) [2]

Greetings!

You've done a good job so far with what is undoubtedly a challenging assignment! One thing that makes something humorous is that it contains an element of truth, while taking that truth to an exaggerated or ridiculous extent. For example, if you said that mentally handicapped people are incapable of fully participating in the social fabric of American life because they fail to appreciate the finer aspects of such entertainment greatness as "Dodgeball" or Rob Schneider's "The Animal."

Remember that a strong conclusion summarizes the points you made previously in your essay and, in this type of essay, should probably end with a humorous sentence.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Open topic essay [graduate program in Human Rights] [2]

Greetings!

You ask some very good questions! You are right that the word limit makes for a very short paper--about one page. All you can really do in that space is introduce a topic and make a brief thesis statement, one which will give you the opportunity to express an opinion, simply by the position that you take. You'll then have a paragraph or two to expand on that just a little and another to conclude. I'd advise picking a topic which you feel you can explain adequately within those limits and also take a position on. Don't get into emotional aspects, but do let your standpoint be seen. Thus, you can, in a sense, kill two birds with one stone.

I like the idea of picking a slant which is perhaps less well-known or, if known, confined to a particular region, perhaps. The Kurdish issue in Turkey was the first one that came to my mind, but I am sure you can think of others. That way you don't have more than you can handle in one page. Vague generalities are always less interesting to read about than specific incidents.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Mandatory arrest laws - domestic violence [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing for your excellent essay!

in addition to homogenizing the criminal justice agencies response

police officers take this risk and unfortunately arrest the partner who is usually abused because the abuser calls for the police to seek revenge

It seemed to me that your conclusion regarding the use of domestic violence laws for political machinations was a bit of a stretch--but very creative! :-)

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Proving to my parents / excitement to the campus' - NCSSM Essays [5]

Greetings!

Some more very good essays! Here are some editing suggestions:

although the schools there were excellent, they were not worth the commute,

Every Friday, right she picks us up from school, my mom rushes home, where we pack our materials for the upcoming weekend we are going to spend in Winston-Salem. - This sentence sounds as if it got chopped up in the editing process. I'd suggest rewriting it.

my mom drives my brother and me to the restaurant

It may seem like a good idea--we get to help out in the restaurant, see our father, and get a good education--but there are many disadvantages to this.

we don't have any time to work on it until Saturday.

we had to leave at around three every day - The word "everyday" is an adjective which describes something ordinary, or that is used every day. When you mean "every single day" it is "every day"; you need to correct this throughout your essay.

Another disadvantage is that I never have any time to spend with my friends.

They are risking their lives and sapping their energy in order for my brother and me to gain a better education. This has also made my family [delete "more"] closer.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application [7]

I have learned to become very friendly and acceptant of different people

When I first walk into a new classroom, everyone stares at me like they have never seen a human before; no one wants to talk to you either. It is hard at first, not knowing anyone, nobody wanting to be the first to break this barrier of foreignness, and then realizing that you will have to be the first to talk, and finally choosing who would be a good person to talk to without giving you a strange look and ignoring you.

am able to get into the follow of things quite easily.

I had actually grown quite attached to a few of them.

I cried, and hugged all of my close friends, and promised then all that I would keep in touch with them. If I am placed in a new situation, I will grow very comfortable and use to it quickly.

With no chairs, I was forced to kneel to stand on my knees,
***
I can probably count the ones I have only won on one hand.

I always end up staying until two or three in the morning it is due to complete it.

Greetings!

Your essays are very well-written! Here are a few editing suggestions for you:

although it is not Duke's forte. - You might want to explain this a little more; why, then, do you want to go there?

my parents were not accompanying me. They kept track of about fifty of us - This makes it sounds as if your parents were keeping track of you.

I had to learn how to force myself to stop and prepare myself for bed.

I also had set my own alarm clock, and actually got up when the alarm went off.

So I had to tidy up a little bit everyday to ensure that once it was time to leave the hotel, it [b]did not take my roommates and me an extra hour to clean up, - Try to use the same tense all the way through; also, avoid contractions like "didn't."

However, as a worker in the restaurant, I know that the customer is always right.

Good work; best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'the word coconut' / 'aerial view' - UVA short answer essays [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a couple of excellent essays! And yes, the flow is fine! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

or, even more entertaining, a smiley face.

"Click, clack! Click, clack!" - There might be several ways to punctuate this, but it does need some punctuation. :-)

I cannot remember

I never tried to rid my head of the addicting song, either.

and never really become bored with the word.

However, the photographer captures an unexpected image within the city: a guitar.

photo montages

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Greece lengthy security line' - Significant experience and its impact - personal [3]

Greetings!

I think you have put so much work into this that you are having a hard time being objective. It is much better than you are giving yourself credit for! :-) I think you still have a few places where you could pare down a few words. Just remember, saying something simply is often much more effective than making it more complex. Here's an example:

racing through London's very own Heathrow Airport like a flock of wandering birds that just so happened to be disoriented after making a treacherous and long flight. - You could easily take out "very own" and "that just so happened to be" and lose nothing; in fact, it would sound better.

One more: because I may be compared to a bird, but it does not mean that I will ever be able to fly away from my problems like a bird does an approaching storm. - This sounds a bit cumbersome. You could say "because I cannot fly away from my problems like a bird from an approaching storm."

See if you can find a few other examples where simple would be better, and I think you'll get close to your word-count goal.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Changing the world" ; Corrine's personal essay [3]

Greetings!

I think you've written a marvelous essay! I really like the way your opening starts with the description of the notebook. I can't tell you whether your word count pushes the limits, as I don't know what limits you were given. :-) My advice would be that, whatever word count you are given, go close, but do not go over it.

The only editing suggestion I have is a slight rewrite to your last sentence: Who knows with what tales these pages of my notebook will be filled?

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Grand opera' / 'Employment opportunity' - A Comonapp and a Cornell Essay [7]

Greetings!

In this type of essay, it would be better to use words to show the time gap, rather trying to do it with spaces or stars. For instance, something like "Three months later, at four o'clock on an autumn afternoon ..."

We are not able to remove posts, because the site is free so that students can learn from our comments and each other. Please refer again to our Disclaimer, Privacy Policy, and Terms of Use section, particularly points 2 and 3.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Greetings!

Because you must use peer-reviewed articles, your focus will most likely be on studies which have been done. There are likely studies which demonstrate what demonstrable gains can be made in business through use of appropriate types of advertising. You may wish to discuss, first of all, what types of advertising are available, and then how much and in what ways a business will gain from employing them. Search JSTOR or another database for articles using search terms like "advertising business increase profits" or "business advertising gains" and so forth. I'd suggest doing preliminary research before deciding on your thesis, to make sure that you will have enough material. Once you do, write your thesis statement (the basic premise of the paper) and then make an outline of the major points you want to make which will support your thesis.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Grand opera' / 'Employment opportunity' - A Comonapp and a Cornell Essay [7]

Greetings!

You are an excellent writer! I have only a few editing suggestions for you:

I felt you needed some type of transition here:
"Ye-yes, I do."
It was 4 PM in the afternoon [and say either "It was 4:00 p.m." or "It was four in the afternoon"; 4 pm in the afternoon is redundant]. It was unclear at first that the 4:00 action took place on a different day.

"Hey, why don't you try working on a project?" my boss suggested.

I felt overwhelmed by the number of arguments and counterarguments in the folder. [Things which can be counted use "number"; things which cannot use "amount."]

I wanted to influence the way they fall. [missing period.]

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Review of 4 journal articles on domestic violence [2]

Greetings!

As usual, your writing is excellent and in-depth. I did wonder, however, about the format you used for the review(s). It seemed to me, reading the instructions, that you were expected to list the studies and analyze them separately in detail, before comparing them as a group. However, it may be that you received additional information in class that I am not aware of.

One small editing note:

one will be afforded the opportunity to apprehend the extent of the research that has been conducted hitherto in addition to understanding the current theoretical issues associated with the intergenerational transmission of violence between intimate partners.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Help for non academic writing his first Essay (mature Student 41 !) [2]

Greetings!

I can understand that it might seem a little intimidating at first to plunge into academic writing! One thing that will help is seeing how others do it. Read some articles on your subject, paying attention not only to what they say on the subject but how they say it. For instance, any academic paper will most likely contain, in the opening paragraph, a thesis which states the basic premise of the paper. The thesis will state a position which the paper will then support.

You know that your paper will cover the characteristics of adult learners, so you might want to start your pre-writing work by making a list of those characteristics. Do the same for the patterns and motivations of learning, and the barriers. Making an outline before you begin can be very helpful; it gives you a guideline to follow, which keeps you on point.

The most important thing is to get started. You can always go back and edit, edit, edit! I'd be happy to help you with some editing once you have a rough draft.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: Intelligent Design not Science! [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay makes some excellent points! One thing to look out for, though, is restating information. Your opening was strong, but the first paragraph ended with two very similar sentences, followed by the first sentence of the next paragraph which said essentially the same thing: It is just politics and religion. More importantly, it should not be taught in our science class rooms. To sum it up, intelligent design is not science, it is a religious movement and it should not be taught under the heading of science in schools.

One of the most important reasons against intelligent design is that it is not science.

Also, be aware that "proof" is a noun (as in, "we needed to find some proof") whereas "to prove" is the verb (as in "It is impossible to prove it.") You use "proof" when you mean "prove" more than once in your essay.

Also, try to avoid using the passive voice: "Many reasons are given against it." Better would be "There are many reasons why intelligent design theory is not science."

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / help on the play Doctor Faustus by Chritopher Marlowe [4]

Greetings!

Marlowe's Faustus touches on themes of sin, redemption and damnation, at a time when the Renaissance was beginning to turn scientific inquiry away from theology and toward humanity. Fortunately, this classic work has been written about by countless authors over the years. To get a better feel for the classical and medieval traditions contained in Marlowe's writing, you should do an internet search to find articles written about Faustus. Use search terms like "Faustus classical medieval tradition" to locate articles that are on point with your essay, and I think you'll find some helpful information.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Musical explorations' - Evaluating a significant experience essay [5]

Greetings!

I think you've written an excellent essay! There is very little that I would suggest changing. One thing, though is this: "This", said my father, "is called rock 'n' roll". - If you are using American English, periods and commas go inside the quotation marks, like this: "This," said my father, "is called rock 'n' roll."

The only other suggestion I have is to tone down your opening sentence just slightly. Perversely, sometimes trying to bring emphasis through use of dramatic prose has the opposite effect. Thus, instead of "An explosion of noise burst forth from the car stereo," I'd leave out "forth" which is unnecessary and old-fashioned. Also, "shattering the peaceful summer air with such force that any insects in the vicinity must have been blown backwards by the vibration" would be enough, without being too much.

I like your musical metaphors, particularly in the conclusion!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Father-Daughter relationships have always been complex; Essay on my father. [7]

Greetings!

I think it's a very good essay! And no, I don't believe it's too choppy; it's good to alternate shorter sentences with longer ones. Here are some editing suggestions:

In his attempt [delete me] to shape me into the perfect daughter;

we're in a new country in a new age with new morals."

Since I entered middle school, my father has become more and more outrageous. [Or, if he no longer is outrageous, say, "After I entered middle school, my father became more outrageous."]

I think you should end it by describing how you reconciled. What caused you to start giving each other a chance? Was there one particular incident that stood out as a turning point? If not, describe some smaller incidents that helped the healing begin. End on a positive note.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Should Tuck Shop Stop Selling 'Junk Food"? - practice essay (article) [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! I agree that the tense can be a little tricky in this kind of writing. Certainly, when you are discussing something that took place at a meeting which already happened, you want to use past tense. However, when you are discussing attitudes which are currently held by the people involved, it can be appropriate to use present tense. Here are some editing suggestions for you:

She believes that school is the most suitable place to coordinate with the government's promotion, because people can change more effectively when they are young.

However, some students expressed their disagreement with the statement.

The principal should promote the concept of healthy eating but not use such an aggressive approach to stop students from buying junk food at the school.

Therefore, the school should provide an environment the same as that in society,

Through the prohibition, students can learn how to get used to having no junk food. Also, students spend most of their time at school; they can eat as little unhealthy food as possible by the implementation of this policy.

They think that no parent wants their children to eat too much junk

The policy should be launched step by step as it may be difficult for some students to adapt and it has caused a strong reaction from them.

Unexpectedly ["Surprisingly" would be a better word here], some students, most of them [delete "are"] girls, strongly agree with the prohibition.

They were tempted by the food even though they didn't go near the tuck shop. They saw their peers eating it, then went to buy it. Therefore, they think that the policy helps prevent temptation and limit 'peer-pressure' because with no access, they cannot buy junk food at school.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Is TV bad for Children? - it's my first essay (3 paragraphs) [4]

Greetings!

You're welcome! My suggestion would be that you do some internet searches to find sites that offer free English lessons. I have used those types of sites to study Portuguese and French and found them very helpful. Use search terms like "learn English free" or "free English lessons" and I bet you'll get lots of hits. The important thing is to stick with it; learn a few new things every day, and it will build on itself, little by little. It's really just a matter of time--keep working and you'll be successful! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Infringing copyright - writing exam practice essay (letter to editor) [2]

Greetings!

I thnk your letter does an excellent job of addressing the issues presented! Here are some editing tips for you:

downloaders' behavior is the same as the thieves'.

Why does it become wrong if we "borrow" them from the internet? I was used to borrowing some popular music CDs from the library for free.

It seems unreasonable that I should be considered a thief simply because of my laziness.

For example, I have bought several CDs that I have previously downloaded. What really matters to the sales most remains unchanged: quality.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / History, patterns, and dynamics of violence between intimate partners [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to give you some editing advice on your excellent essay!

scholars integrated the findings of anthropologists and psychologists so as to apprehend [delete the] human beings' actual nature.

Since scholars, policy makers, and interveners underpin divergent views on the typologies that should be espoused for conducting research on violence between intimate partners, evolutionary psychology can integrate all existing typologies to ameliorate future research.

Moreover, some scholars have revealed that, independently of the actual state of the offenders, their expected behaviour was a source of criticism from their partners and that these denigrations were the triggers of violence on the part of addicted people.

That nervous tension puts the individuals in a state of extreme irritability that provokes the degeneration of simple quarrels between partners into violence.

Once this ideological pruning is done, evolutionary psychologists, whose staple diet is composed of research originating from natural and social sciences, could demonstrate that their diversified intellectual nourishment provides [delete with] the most appropriate foundations to establish an utmost efficient multi-analytic approach to study the dynamics of violence between intimate partners.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The start of a witness report/assignment for law (high school level) [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! I have a few editing tips for you:

A witness can be universally defined as a person who obtains firsthand knowledge about a crime or dramatic event, from either seeing, touching, hearing, or smelling and can also testify about important aspects of the crime or event at trial. It is apparent by this definition that the role of a witness is crucial for any case. As along as there is relevance within their statements they can contribute substantially towards the justice within the case. The role of a witness is a combination of many factors, one of them being their use of memory, such as the sequence of events, recalling all dates, details, descriptions, times, actions, gestures and exact words used. The credibility of a witness is beneficial in legal cases because this enhances the trustworthiness within their testimony, making them more persuasive to the jury. Often times the amount of credibility the witness retains is more critical than the content of their testimony especially when it is significantly exaggerated. This effect helps when the jury does not understand the contents or care much about the case itself. A second factor is the composure of the witness in the court room including a smooth speech, confidence in delivery, proper amount of eye contact, excellent dictation and sentence structure. These criteria contribute towards a positive impression left on the jury. On the other hand, when this is not achieved, less convincing behaviour will cause the jury to suspect the information is invalid such as slow speech, disorganized thoughts, incomplete or missing information and no eye contact. When the plaintiff begins the trial by calling the witnesses they start the primary questioning which is known as direct examination. The purpose of this is to establish the facts which support the plaintiff's case in the witness's testimony. During direct examination, the attorney should not ask any leading questions (suggesting or prompting the witness to reply with a specific response). Witnesses can be asked to identify evidence pertaining directly to the case such as documents or photographs. However no judgment or conclusions can be drawn from the evidence unless the witness is a qualified expert. Annoying and repetitive questions may or may not be prohibited, at the judge's discretion, as well as granting and overruling of questions which can affect the answers the witness is able to give towards the case. Cross examination occurs after the plaintiff's attorney has completed their line of questioning. The defendant is then given the opportunity to question the witness. It is during this process that the attorney will attempt to undermine the witness's credibility. Asking additional questions and getting clarification while making the witness appear unreliable, prejudiced or even biased is the central goal of the defendant's attorney.

Your essay doesn't really have an ending. If this is the end of the essay, you need a conclusion which summarizes the main points of your essay.

One thing you need to be especially watchful for is sentence fragments; I corrected a number of them for you.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Is TV bad for Children? - it's my first essay (3 paragraphs) [4]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some feedback! Your essay makes some good points. Most of your problems have to do with grammar:

We reveal in the idea that we are living in a world of science and science can work wonders for us. - I think you meant "revel" rather than "reveal."

Since the invention of television, there are several advantages of TV watching that has exposed things to us including weather forecast, events like sports, and any other information on the globe. Despite this optimism, some researchers have said that TV was bad for children.

three or four hours of watching TV increase children chances of developing mind to experience abnormal level of uncertainty. - this sentence does not really make sense.

watching excess television causes visualization to become flattered. - "flattered" does not make sense here; not sure what you were saying.

Consequently, poor study was blamed with leading to

they memorized bad things themselves, and this lead to frightening illness like darkness illness. - I'm afraid this really does not make sense either. Instead of "memorized" I think you must mean "remember." What is "darkness illness"?

In fact, when watching TV, most people are motionless and tend to snack.

These are not the only grammatical errors I found, but there is a limit to how much editing we can offer on this free site. My suggestion would be that, if possible, you read your essay out loud to a friend who is a native English speaker; he or she can help you with places where the grammar or vocabulary needs attention.

It's a challenge writing in a foreign language. Keep working hard and you'll get there! :-)

Good luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: "the Father of Medical Healthcare" - Tommy Douglas [4]

Greetings!

Sorry, but we cannot promise to respond within four hours; we do try to respond within 24 hours, so if you have another essay, you'd like us to look at, feel free to post it and we'll get to it within that time frame.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Greetings!

If you have a wide range of topics to choose from when writing a research paper, you want to make sure that the subject you finally choose has been written on at length, to make it easier to do your research. The three topics you mentioned all make a good starting place, but I think you may find them too broad to be manageable. You might have to narrow it down a little further, for example, "Use of Intelligence Tests in the Hiring Process" or "Gender Bias in Human Resources Management." Do a few preliminary searches in your school library's database and see what subject provides lots of articles in scholarly journals.

I hope this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Help on argumentative research paper (RX, drugs)! [5]

Greetings!

Remain calm! Remember that anything you write, you can revise later; it's not set in stone. So, the best thing is just to get something down! You could say something like, "Attention Deficit Disorder is a topic of concern for millions of parents, and one which is surrounded by controversy. The diagnosis brings with it a dilemma: to medicate, or not to medicate. While there is research to support both sides of the argument, the weight of the evidence is on the side of pharmaceuticals."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Mexico-born dad' - someone that influenced me in my life. [2]

Greetings!

Where in the world did you get the idea that you are not a good writer? Your essay is extremely well-written! :-) In fact, it needs very few corrections. I have only a few suggestions for you:

from our virtues to our flaws, are our parents. They have the greatest influence in our lives

We both have the same mannerisms, facial expressions, and thought processes. We love to learn and travel, eat exotic and luxurious food,

They were not married and were very young, my mom being 19 and my dad 23.

We moved to Brownsville, Texas, because it is right on the border, and my dad started an import/export company.

Your dad sounds like a great person and so does his daughter! ;=)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / My exam practice---"complaint letter on animal abuse" [3]

Greetings!

I think you make some very good points in your letter! It can be a challenge to write in a language which is not your first language. I've made some grammar corrections for you. (Note to American students: the writer is using British English spellings):

I feel compelled to write this letter to relay my suspicion that my neighbours treat their pets badly. I am writing to give details of the incidents of abuse that Iam aware of and suggest some ways to help the pets with their most urgent needs.

The first thing I noticed was the strange smells and animal sounds that come from my next-door neighbours' house. One month ago, my neighbours moved into the place; then, I often could smell some bad odours and hear many different kinds of animal sounds, including dogs', cat's, birds' and so on. Sometimes, the sounds are unbearable. It sounds as if they have been in their small cages without anything to eat for a long time.

The second thing making me suspicious is that my neighbours' house is often empty. I only have seen the neighbours three times since they moved to the apartment.

And I used to find them for their pet-noise nuisance, but in no time there is anyone there. What can the pets eat when there is no people to take care of them? I really doubt about it. - This part does not really make grammatical sense, and also seems to be just restating things you have said before, so I would delete it.

I tried to contact the proprietor, but received no response. Then, I decided to ask for your help. I think there are two viable measures you can take to rescue the poor creatures.

Before anything else, you can send some inspectors to investigate the abuse. Being an animal-care society, you must have a more professional approach to tackle the problem as well as providing a more authorized suggestion to the government if it is necessary. I will be available if there is anything I can do to help the investigation.

Moreover, you can contact the media, if necessary. Therefore, the pets' owner will realize the seriousness of the problem, though we may not be able to contact them. More importantly, the government may therefore resort to a quicker and more powerful measure, breaking into the door and seizing the cages, to cope with the cruelty. - I think you might be better off without this last sentence; you are speculating as to what the government might do.

The measures should be launched before it is too late. The animals will die if action is not taken. All lives are equal. We must not watch them die without doing anything. It is barbarous to leave pets with no food and in an over-crowded living space. Besides, the potential abusers may have violated animal welfare laws. The government should immediately take legal action, if so.

Finally, I hope that you will give top priority to the potential abuse and take action on the suggestions above to ensure the welfare of the pets. I think this is what your society really stands for, and I appreciate the work you do. Thank you for your attention.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Complaining about gas prices' - Issue of international significance - Admission [2]

Greetings!

I think your "rough draft" flows very smoothly! :-) Here are some editing suggestions for you:

one can only wonder how much further this can [delete second "this can"] escalate.

This can be a direct effect of the expensive oil prices as most electricity is created from fossil fuel. - Technically, "fuel" is anything which is burned to create energy; therefore, wooden sticks are fuel, so I'd make it more specific. :-)

Governments also want a piece of the action and respond with taxes, thus only raising prices.

Although the world can never economically run out of oil, prices however can get extremely high. - I'm not sure what you mean by "economically" in this context. However, if you mean we can never run out of oil, that's not true. Fossil fuels are a finite resource and will, one day, be gone. (You can quote me on that, if you like.) ;-)

People respond to the rising fuel prices in various ways; one [delete "of which"] that is very popular is buying a hybrid vehicle.

If that wasn't the worst of it, California is also jam-packed with cars.

More and more people are being suppressed by the high prices. - I don't think "suppressed" is really the right word here; you could say "are feeling oppressed by the high prices."

We need to put this international epidemic behind us and find an alternative quickly. [You could say "...quickly--before it is too late."]

My only other suggestion would be that you might want to eliminate the contractions. The usual rule is not to use contractions in formal writing; thus "it is" instead of "it's" and "Everyone is talking" instead of "Everyone's," etc.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Immigration - argument research paper [6]

Greetings!

I think your essay turned out very well! Sorry I could not get back to you sooner, but we have been dealing with some major ice storm damage in my area. Here are just a couple more suggestions, in case you still have time to make changes:

Also between 1901 and 1910 total American population increased by 1 percent per year; on the other hand legal immigration grew only 0.36 percent

Being an immigrant I also agree with him, because they are highly beneficial to this county in various ways.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

I think you said it very well yourself! I'd just change the punctuation a little, like this:

It would be difficult to manage many branches at once, and if there is any issue in one of the branches, we would not be able to deal with it immediately.

Your memo is shaping up nicely!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Introduction to golf' - Common App short answer. [3]

Greetings!

Yes, it will matter if you do not follow instructions! However, the good news is, it is always possible to trim something down by 35 words. Here's how I'd do it:

My parents introduced me to golf when I was eight. They purchased some clubs and drove me to the local golf course. Until I was fourteen, I played very casually and showed little sign of improvement. At the end of eighth grade, it was announced that tryouts for the high school golf team were scheduled for the end of August. I began practicing. In three months, I brought my average nine-hole score down from a lax 60 to a completely honest, playing-by-the-rules 53. To my surprise, the head coach called to inform me that I had made the team. I continued to improve gradually, although I was still nearly the worst on the team. I began riding my bike to the course every day possible so I could practice. Since then I have continued playing on the team in the autumn and practicing obsessively during the spring and summer months.

Voila! Exactly 150 words!

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The alchemy of Race and Rights compared to Durkheim, Weber and Marx [2]

The authors ability to link numerous issues together

As the work of Patricia Williams's proceeds, it allows the readers to assume that Patricia Williams's insights on Civil Rights and Human rights discourse still remain a black whole with too many answers left to answer.

As Patricia Williams examines this theory, she questions economic and civil liberties within the U.S. government because they are stating [who is stating?] that "equal protection guarantees equality ... - You don't need to keep using the author's first name after the first time; refer to her as Williams, unless there is another Williams you are citing from whom you need to distinguish her.

was there ever any equality of opportunity that was the same for blacks,

Williams ties her grandmother's story to to the present day and the exploitation that persists against people of color.

Too that, Patricia Williams, compares homeless people with the same ongoing exploitation.- This does not make sense. Don't begin a sentence with "Too that." I think perhaps you meant "She compares them to homeless people who suffer the same ongoing exploitation."

When "Coke" is advertised it is portrayed as being a drink that is only drunk by
To explain more clearly what word-bondage isand how it is used in everyday social and legal life, Patricia Williams recalls a story about Peter Gabel and herself.

Unlike Marxian [what? theory?] of historical materialism,

She would disagree with it because this is what the founding fathers believed in and their beliefs created inequality that follows us all the way to the present and will separate the dominating class and minorities in the future. Patricia Williams is trying to impose that point in her diary, Alchemy of Race and Rights.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / To Kill a Mockingbird Essay, Does the age of the narrator matter? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

I felt rather as if the first sentence was missing; you plunged in without any real beginning. you need something like, "In Harper Lee's To Kill a Mockingbird, the age of the narrator, Scout, is an important element of the book's focus."

is being filtered through the memories of a six to eight year old child for the book's duration.

'the cruel world', - this is all right if you are using British English, but if you are supposed to be using American English, use double quotation marks and puts commas and periods inside the quote: "the cruel world,"

Imagination and Knowledge - do not capitalize common nouns; it's "imagination and knowledge"

seems like only children weep" (Lee 213). Children have a very different view

Readers though, if they deny the importance of her age, may think that her statement was a lengthily thought out sentiment coming from a lifetime of living in the area, which is undoubtedly false.

This means that the narration and thus the accuracy of the book are based on an imaginative six to eight year old's memories, which causes one to doubt this accuracy.

Whether or not Scout's imagination really does play a big factor in the book's overall meaning is debatable,

The age that Scout was when she experienced the events she narrates is a point that readers of the book must recognize if they truly want to understand the context in which she is speaking.

Without acknowledging her age, she can seem to be a very different character than she really is.

Take, for example, the scene where Scout - I think this must be left from a cut-and-paste?
Knowing the context to what the author is saying is so incredibly important, as without this the reader misses out on most of the meaning and information needed for analysis. - You need another sentence at the end which sums up your thesis, one which mentions the importance of the narrator's age.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / A memo to my manager as why my company should or shouldnt go global. [20]

Greetings!

I think it's coming along well. I have just a few more suggestions for you:

We might not be able to give the right focus on issues on time at different locations. - I'm not exactly sure what you were trying to say here; the sentence is not very clear.

A lot of time and energy needs to be invested to get people to perform at the same level.

There could be issues such as pay discrepancies and the number of working hours.

get back to me if you have any further queries.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com