Undergraduate / UC personal; accomplishment - I had fallen in love with martial arts; "ce kong fan" [6]


My suggestion;
I held the perception that if one does not have a skill in a particular subject, then he should not waste time attempting to develop that skill even though he loves it too much..... Don't mention about that it got changed on such an such a date at this point... Reveal it later .... My suggestion consumes more words, but it is necessary to have your opening sentence very strong and clear. You can cut down words, as you proceed. : )

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Prompt 1- My Community has Shaped Me [3]


This is my suggestion;
I have been told many times by many people that what I aspire is impossible. They said so simply because I am a woman and because of my personality type.


I think you better do away with this sentence. It sounds a repetition of the earlier one. Quickly come to your next point;


It's important that you do not drag so much... I like if you have come to the above point in the first para itself.

Undergraduate / MELIORA essay of Rochester. Meliora: ''Ever better'' - The University's motto [5]

Hi,

Sorry about my delayed response : )

Always amazed with celestial stuffobjects I waited long to get in high school so that I would get thefor an opportunity to study Physics and get hoards of knowledge in Astronomy. But alasto my disappointmentour Physics course had very limited readings onthe high school Physics course offered limited knowledge on this subjectAstronomy!Later on while searching in a libraryHowever, as a result of my endless interest, I found the book "For the Love of Physics" by Walter Lewin. I didn't know that this would be a life changing reading for me. So, coming back home I finished it as fast as I could.I was so fascinated by the facts I found there onIt was stuffed with so much knowledge on cosmological aspects and happenings that I finished reading it as fast as I could.I read it over and over again.

Later I discovered that even that wasn't enough because all that were in the book, wasthe book contained onlyjust the basics of a Astronomy and to keep myself improvingacquire more knowledge in this subject I had to do further reading. From then I kept searching on the internet and expanded the circumference of my knowledge sphere. Still I am carrying out this endeavor of "Astronomy reading" to be ever better in my desired subject of studyI crave for more advanced knowledge on Astronomy.That is the Meliora experience of my life.I believe Meliora experience would help me quench this Astronomical thirst of mine.

Undergraduate / I was only 15; U of Pitt - Significant experience [2]


... don't have numbers; I was fifteen.

It takes a while for the reader to understand what you are going to tell... I think it drags too much. Better start with the incident that brought the change in you... Otherwise it would be boring for the reader to follow. The first para does not reveal much meaningful stuff : (

Also you are already above the word count. So avoid too much details.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt; Working as an L.I.T. has helped me "give back" to the community [2]


This sounds a bit awkward,.... the part ''family, school or community'' doesn't make much sense : ( ....
This is my suggestion;
Through out my life, I have been taught to be generous and share with others.


you dont have to give such details... they dont add value to your essay ... Instead you should talk about that quality and how it made you proud of.

My suggestion;
It was my father who always set examples of this worthy quality. He never forgot to look after his siblings, who were not doing so well financially, living in the Philippines. He used to send them parcels very often that carried dry rations to cloths. As a young kid I was often annoyed why my father was so generous.

Undergraduate / "Do you really want to end up like us?"; University of Washington- Personal Statement [4]

Alright what's your thread? ... Make sure you post the prompt so that I can align my feed back with it : )


Neither my parents speak fluent English nor they have gained proper job training.For these reasons they could not find good jobs.


why do you say about their broken english? can't you speak their language?

Undergraduate / "Do you really want to end up like us?"; University of Washington- Personal Statement [4]

From a young age, both of my parents were forced to drop out offrom school and work to be able to provide for their familiesand get employed in order to support their family finances.

Due to the financial hardships they were experiencing in Mexico, they decided to migrate to the United States, in hopes of living better lives herethe land of hope, in search of opportunities.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - The Great Wall [2]

Hi,


I have a doubt whether you had adequately dealt with the above prompt... Nothing much comes out from this experiene to show that it had made you proud or you have accomplished a great task.

Better pay some attention this point : )

Undergraduate / The sadness Lisa's death gave to me - common app [2]

Hi,


.... many turns (plural form)


it sounds repetitive with that part I scrapped off


I still remember the innocent smile on my best friend Lisa's face as she said bye to me when we departed to go home from school. She couldn't move far and right in front of my eyes she was hit by a racing car.

Undergraduate / Every child is preprogrammed ; UC/Describe the world you come from [2]


What do you mean by "common"... that's not very clear :(

In my hometown, Harbin, every child is preprogrammed to go through the sameput on a routine ofthat gets them to studystudying hard andfor obtaining good exam grades for the next ten years until they secure a place in a profitablesuccessful job.


Very interesting :)

As expected, my deeds of embracing my specialty werethis inclination of mine made never ending frowns on the faces offrowned upon because my family thoughtsuch irrelevance would cause me to lose out in the competitive society that was filled with unfairness and material wantsbecause their stereotyp thinking made them believe that it would be an inappropriate career for me to pursue.

Writing Feedback / Virtual: The Evolving Classroom; Peer review [2]

E-learning is a student-centered teaching technique that facilitates new generation to study at any place with internet access.


How about "non-working parents" .... That's more heard of : )


these people may not be busy all the time but may be having difficulties with their current committments that do not fit in with classroom time tables... I think you better highlight this fact rather than jsut saying "busy"

Graduate / ISB 2013-14 Essay 1 [2]


no comma : )


My suggestion;
All my dreams got shattered crushing all my plans and hopes that I had for making my family a brighter future.


Have those punctuations. Also I introduced some changes : )


Think of re-phrasing this sentence. It is not organized properly and hence your idea does not flow smoothly.

Undergraduate / One cannot tell by simply looking at a human's face; Expression of deciption [2]

You have written a lengthy response to this prompt! Are you within the word count or exceeded it?

What you have written is good; something different to others say. This is from negative to positive direction sort of... Only thing I feel is that your response is a bit too long. Otherwise, good writing :)

Undergraduate / a minor in Japanese. arigato gozaimasu ! [5]

I had a close person in my life thatwhohelped influenced me in this direction(you have to tell on what that person influenced you) when I began my freshman year and ever since then I have become entirely eager to learn more.

Undergraduate / I Am Those Saxophones - Music has made a significant impact on my life [2]


How about;
pushing through burdening issues calmly, but successfully. ?


small typo :D

Quite creative and interesting response.... I enjoyed reading it!
Real good job!

Undergraduate / University of Colorado Boulder Flagship Essay - Returning Home and Finding Myself [4]

Hi,


I did a small change with punctuation : )


you are an interesting person :)


This is all you includein your essay to respond to what they ask. I feel you shoul talk a little more about it. Be a bit more elaborative on that as the whole this is focussed on the point.

Anyways.... I enjoyed reading your essay! Great writing!

Undergraduate / MELIORA essay of Rochester. Meliora: ''Ever better'' - The University's motto [5]

I finished it as fast as I could with huge excitement . It was stuffed with so much knowledge on celestial objects and happenings that I felt, although my course didn't have enough astronomy topicsI had gainedenoughknowledge through outside reading.satisfied my curiosity at that time.

Later I discovered that even that wasn't enough because all there wasthat were in the book, was just the basics of a Astronomy and to keep myself improving in this subject I had to do further reading. From then I kept searching on the internet and kept reading what ever I found interesting,expandingexpanded the circumference of my knowledge sphere.

Undergraduate / 'The stereotypical American suburb' - Where I come from [3]


Impressive... :D


It is indeed .... :)

This is absolutely very impressive writing.... I read it all and found every line is perfect.
Wish you good luck!

Undergraduate / Hey there Aunt Kay! UT Austin Prompt A [2]

Hi,


Interesting! ... impressive start!

So, you want to cut down words.... It's better you tell us what your word count is so that we get a rough idea about its length. Anyways, here's my help;



I stood straight as she entered and said, "Good morning Auntie Kay" wearing a smile on my face.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - Masters in Electronics and Telecommunication [6]

Hi,

I find everything is written very well.... However, I only doubt whether it is too long for a SOP! It's pretty long, isn't it?

Dissertations / Ph.D. topic in Computer Science (working as lecturer) - Image Processing or Neural Networks [11]

I have a quote for you from the famous fairy tale "Alice in Wonderland" ;

Alice said "Would you please tell me which way to go from here?" The cat said, "That depends on where you want to get to"

Yes... it is you who should decide what you want to do. So first decide on the area ; write a small description and post it. Then we will help you with coming out a catchy research topic. : )

Undergraduate / 'different Hispanic cultures' - Discuss your short and long-term goals. [7]

Hi Bryangg,


I need to know the prompt to help you with this better. Make a habit to include the prompt/ topic when you make the post for the others to understand your purpose. With that we can give more relevant feed backs!

Awaiting your prompt! : )

Undergraduate / Why computer science is my intended major- UC transfer personal statement [2]

Hi,


These two lines are the ones I could find in your essay that explain -


I fear that is not enough and not so interesting to stand out the responses of other candidates. Tell the admission committee your story that how your passion developed. They love listening to stories with emotions :D

Writing Feedback / Government in democratic societies [2]

Hi : )


This is your opening statement and therefore you need it very catchy. This one is pretty confusing and your idea is not clearly conveyed to the reader. Why not try a shorter sentence that has more clarity. Longer the sentence lesser the clarity : (

Undergraduate / holla at yo gurl. second UC prompt. [2]


:D ... A novel definition for Art; generally we define sport as an art :D .... Impressive : )


------------ however, this sounds very controversial for me :D
Yes... Art may not be a skill or talent, but to be artistic you need something in your genes :D .... since the word art is very closely related to ''artistic'', the reader gets his eyebrows lifted as he sees this line. I suggest you to have something less offensive or less radical in place of this line. However, the rest of the para is absolutely impressive !

Undergraduate / the girl who escaped from a difficult past [4]

Your introduction is presented impressively. It is this last line that I find something not so proper;


--------------- the word ''pained'' is generally used as an adjective and not as a verb. For example; He stood stiffly with a pained expression; He said it with a pained voice

Just reconsider this sentence as it doesn't sound usual : )

Undergraduate / 'Providing me with my needs' - Rochester 1st Prompt Supplement [12]

:D


Then okkkk :D


I meant whether you are within the word count :D

Having a few words in addition would be ok... but 200 extra words is something you need to worry.... let's try to cut down further :)

I am not clear about those research options .... can you just tell me in detail what aspects you like .... I can help you better if I know the exact thing.... anyway I'll help you :)

the other part must be a very private one and that's why u don't post it here :D ... a love letter ? :P

Undergraduate / 'together like a huge family' - Admissions ubc [6]

I think it lacks the answer to what sort of impact it made on your perspective. Who are these children? Orphans or disabled children? You describe the event in detail, but that is not the most important thing. You need to tell them how this experience impacted your way of thinking. I feel you better re-do this. I will help you with its flow and word count. Do a fresh one without thinking too much on the word count and post it here. Then we'll try to match the count. Also avoid every little detail of the event such as time, friends , teachers all that.... come out more with the emotions : )

Undergraduate / 'Providing me with my needs' - Rochester 1st Prompt Supplement [12]


What do you mean? ... I don't get you clearly : D .... Did you like my suggestion?

Further, I am attracted to UOR's Open Curriculum and the great social networking opportunities it offers through its clubs such as Astronomy, Tennis and Cricket.

Are you in? ... :D

Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]


I too guess so


----------- better ; why not pick up something on the positive side... some achievement that you made against all odds ?


: ) ... Glad to help you dear! Start a new thread on this and I shall give my feed back! : )

Undergraduate / 'Providing me with my needs' - Rochester 1st Prompt Supplement [12]


I don't think so... you are answering the prompt! Am I right?


Okkkkkkkk... Here we go ; )


Among the many reasons for choosing University of Rochester for spending my next four-five years of study, its vibrant research facilities take presidence.

At UOR, I can be a part of different research projects whenever I'm confident of having relevant knowledge. In addition, its summer programs for research projects offer two options; choose my own research project or join one of faculty projects of my interest. Both options would help me gain knowledge and experience in professional and scientific research approach. These flexible arrangements and facilities would benefit my research interests in Astronomy and Physics. The communications I so far had with Mr Jonathan Burdick, the Admission Officer, also convinced me of friendly helpful environment at UOR making me believe it is the right place to be.

Writing Feedback / Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like motherland [6]

Okkkkkkkkkk.... now I see :D

But I still don't understand what is Gilgit Baldistan. I guess it's a city. Am I right?
Is this in Afganistan?
Also who is Muhammad Khan ? Is he a famous person?


My suggestion;
Gilgit Baldistan is a paradise in every sense; its unique geography, vibrant culture, rich civilization and great people together made this place one of the most beautiful cities in the world.

Writing Feedback / Gilgit Baldistan the paradise like motherland [6]

Hi,
I don't understand the statement you make on the top... It is always better that you give us the topic or the purpose of this writing so that we understand it better and have the ability to provide you with a more relevant feed back!


This has a few grammar issues. This is my suggestion;
Muhammad Khan from Chathral, the bordering city of Khyber Pastoonkhwa font#FF0000] and Giligit Baldistan, asserts '' Gilgit Baldistan was well known for its peaceful united community''. He further adds '' we always consider them as an exemplary group of people who lived peace and harmony for centuries "

Undergraduate / 'From my parent's land to California' - UW freshmen essay/ Personal statement [2]


This is my suggestion;
This was nothing surprising for me because I was quite accustomed to this situation; my father always traveled to and from India.


In your previous sentence you say, your father's travel was something routine and it didn't take you by surprise; but this one again express that you are going to miss him... these two ideas disturb your flow, because the reader sets his mind that you are ok with father's frequent travel by reading the earlier sentence. Distracting the reader's attention again is going to disturb your flow... I think it reads better without this sentence.

Undergraduate / 'accomplished and satisfied' - UC PERSONAL STATEMENT: Workcamp [3]

Hi

The first para is very impressive : )


This is my suggestion for the part in bold;
At the end, I was surprised to understand how my personality transformed from a naive young man who was confused about his responsibilities, to a great leader who didn't least fear to take necessary initiatives.

Undergraduate / 'Providing me with my needs' - Rochester 1st Prompt Supplement [12]

You wanted some help for cutting the word count down. Here's my help ; )

In UOR I can take on research activities whenever I feel I have taken enough classes so that I can contribute myself toI would get the opportunity to involve in different research projects as and when I feel I taken enough classes . Other than theApart from research activities available year long , there are also summer programs for research projects. More amazinglyInterestingly, I can choose my research project or I can just join one under a faculty that interests me most. Thus I will be able do my research This would provide me with undera knowledge ofprofessional and gain both the professional and scientific way of working approach in research.

Undergraduate / Stockton Application Essay - 'my main priority' [2]

Hi,

It's always better for you to include the prompt when you make the post. That helps us give more relevant feed backs for you.


I have accomplished many goals in my life, yet I feel desperate about achieving this goal; it is about being accepted to Stockton College.

Undergraduate / 'out of my shell' - My passion for biology-UC APP Prompt 1 [2]


I like this introduction.... I think it's well presented. So in your case it is the REVS-UP that shaped your world?
well.... ... then have it at the centre, which you have already done to a reasonable degree, and present your feelings and emotions around this institution with a greater punch. I guess that would make this answer more effective :)

Undergraduate / 'together like a huge family' - Admissions ubc [6]

Hi honghanh763,

quote=honghanh763]I still remember the excitement and nervousness of my first visit to suburban orphanage in moon festival as clearly as if it happened yesterday,[/quote]

as if it happened yesterday means that you remember it very clearly.... so that part becomes redundant... Sounds better without it!


We, I and my friends, were ready for the trip by eight in the morning that day. We had many presents; clothes, moon cakes and especially the lantern which we bought with our savings

Undergraduate / "Your Future Roommate is Minnesotan"-Sanford Roommate Essay [7]

Hi Ana,


I guess you mean more than your room by using the word space... then tell her that;
I am very excited to share my space, not just the room but also many enjoyable moments, with you as we begin our new chapter in our lives.