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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'the precondition of doing research by professors' - Toefl essay [4]

I want stress on another point. You need to have examples to support your reasons. That is an important aspect for TOEFL independent task. Dont have two many reasons in one body para. Just give one reason and an example to support that.

Follow the four para structure (Intro, 1st Body para, 2nd Body para and the Conclusion) as it helps you manage time well at the exam.

Read the essays that are posted to this forum to get the knack of it and pick points.
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]

My father came to this country to see me being born, he told me his world changed when he first laid his eyes upon me, and he told me that he was given a second chance to take on this world that we live in because he had me, his "special" son. "Special" the word I was given by my father to describe me, it's the same word I use to describe my world. One day my father came home from work, tired like usual, and told me "son enjoy life now, and study hard so you don't end up like me". His words stayed with me forever, later I understood what he meant because I had found out from my mother that he had the chance to get an education but refused and he regrets it every day. Watching my father live in misery every day had a huge impact to my world, and it is the sole reason for my burning passion for the only aspiration I have in life, to get the highest education I can acquire, all to make my father happy when he sees his son become successful.

This is my suggestion for this para;
My father stepped into this unknown land looking for opportunities for his children. He told me that it was my birth that lit up his life and gave him courage and hope. I was his "Special" son, as he described me often. His words still echo in my ears; '' Son, enjoy life now but do not neglect studies because I don't want you to end up like me''. I could learn from his eyes how he regretted for wasting the opportunities he had for educating himself. His words and his eyes together passed a powerful message to my young mind and I determined that I should take studies very seriously because it is the only opening for us to hope for a better future.

However being born into a low-income family is not the best when you want to become a top student. Through 12 years of my life my family was considered low-class until becoming middle-class. All of my teachers told my parents that I had the potential to be brilliant, but I didn't have the materials I needed to tap into that potential and when I finally did, I deemed it too late because I was in high school. I lost all motivation until I met my friends today who sparked my passion to work hard once more.
Throughout my years in this world, I've had many difficulties that blocked my path to achieve my goal, like my parents almost separating, I had to overcome all these struggles and still work my hardest to achieve my goal whom my father strongly believes I can. The problems may have affected me and had an effect on my grades but they have made me a stronger person, I am now determined more than I ever was before, I personally believe nothing will stop me. The world I come from is beautiful, it has made me, it's done everything to me, it's been in my past, and it is in my future. My world, I want it to be the best I can possibly make it.

This is my suggestion for your next para;
It was not just the financial difficulties of a low income family that I had to manage as a young kid. Together with I faced other challenges too; the marriage of my parents was falling apart creating a major psychological trauma for me. These issues at family front affected my grades time to time. But I always made a come back because I never forgot my father's words and his hopes in me. When I look back I see that these challenges had made me a stronger person; they nurtured my determination, perseverance and courage. Most importantly, they helped me light my fathers eyes with hope. Yes, I am determined to pursue my goals no matter what obstacle stands in my way.
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'experiences as an Administrative Coordinator' - MS Human Resource Managment Essay [5]

My experiences as an Administrative Coordinatorhashave motivated me and prepared me to pursue a career in Human Resource Management.

experience has motivated / experiences have motivated
Actually I prefer if you just say;
my experiences motivated me -------- without having ''have or has'' ... : )

City University of New York where I obtained my Baccalaureate degree in Information System Management.

-- keep it in past tense

After I graduated I landed abegan my career at New York City Children's Services as an Administrative Manager. I worked in this position for six years and I have learnedand it taught me many valuable skills and developed my professionalism.
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Now we have more than we ever had in India' - College Admission's Essay [2]

There is only one person in my life who has always given me support, given me courage, and given me strength; only one person, who has unknowingly given me the knowledge to face life, just by watching her. That person is my mother

given me support, given me courage, and given me strength ------------ repetition of the word ''given'' sounds a bit like a list; let's try to rephrase;

There is only one person in my life who stood behind me, endlessly supported me and nurtured my courage and strength. Yes, it was only this person who prepared me for life letting me follow her foot steps. She is no other person, but my mom.
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Graduate / 'difficult and ethical problems in office' - Pittsburg-Katz mba essay [3]

In 2010 I was part of a 10 member team of which 3 people had less than one year of experience.

..... at this point you need to tell them what sort of a project that was... team of 10 does not reveal anything. What was the objective of this team?

Also, I feel your answer is not well aligned with the prompt. It is asking your experience of a situation where you worked on a project or assignment that you did not enjoy. This after the completion of the project not while you are in that....
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'architecture or town-planning' - GRE Analytical essay Societies and Cities [4]

However in ancient times, great cities like Angkor in Cambodia, and Borobudur in Indonesia would have reflected the belief-systems of hertheir people. ... you mentioned two cities... so it becomes plural

Those cities were built full of palaces, administrative buildings and temples, replete with carvings of The Lord Buddha, and Rama the IV and their revered king.

Rock carvings, paintings and sculptures represented the deeds and liveslife story of Lord Buddha and the achievements of King Rama IV.

I believe that the above statement is time-barredsensitive.

.... it should be time sensitive..
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Essays / Beowulf theme difference between film and poem -- Freshman College Essay [2]

Many of the classic original texts have been transformed into films in the past decade. Many of these films can start a polemical debate.

''Many of '' is being repeated ... why not try another phrase?

Beowulf was a transcribed poem written in present form about 1000 AD. Beowulf is an Anglo-Saxon traditional poem that showspresents heroism. Beowulf was a monster killer who travelled to help out the king of Danes, Hrothgar, by fighting a monster named Grendel and his mother.

It happens again in these three sentences. You start all of them the same way... Try to avoid repetition of words because it hurts the attractiveness of your flow.

Although the film follows the same storyline as the poem, they have different themesinterpretations of Beowulf'sfor courage.
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'They read our emails, messages, and look at our private pictures..' - essay [5]

Great revision by tinkerbellcutie : )

A few more suggestions;
While new technology and innovations have become necessities, and people cannot live without technology because it has already been introduced inmade them so dependent for their survivalfor their lives.

Technology is a large an abstract idea

Although technology has done manygood things to the humanity , it has also led to greater isolation
dumi   
Nov 25, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My parents are both artists' - Stanford Roommate Essay [4]

Hi,

Your essay sounds simple, yet very interesting .

I can't wait to get to meet you next year but I thought it would be nice to get to know each other a little before thenbefore that bid day and that would make us feel no strangers to one another.

Well to start off my name is Malayka Jordan Mottarella; yes I know it's a mouthful. My middle name was named after Michael Jordan as my dad is a huge basketball fan.

very nice : )
I was never good at sports due to my immense lack ofproblem with poor coordination.

I warn you now don't ever throw anything to me and expect me to catch it, I won't.

...lol

My parents are both artists

----------- yes... you may be having very creative genes.... this piece of writing proves that!
Good Job and GOOD LUCK!

dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Scholarship / 'Studying about everything' - phd scholarship [2]

Hi,

Growing up with my uncle who was considering me as his daughter, he printed in me the love of education. He always saw in me what I did not see at that time. I remember him telling me that I will be extraordinary girl and will be so special.

well.... I think you should not consume three sentences for telling this idea... I don't mean it's not relevant , but it sounds a bit too dragging. This is what I suggest;

It was my uncle who printed in me the love for education. (This is the best sentence to start your essay)Not only he treated me as his own daughter but also he made me believe that I am an extraordinarily gifted girl who was so special to him.

I remember him telling me that I will be an extraordinary girl and will be so special
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Letters / "flexibility" - Letter of Intent for Substitute Teacher [7]

Hi

I hope that you find that my teaching positions, language study and cross-cultural experiences, would qualify me for a position in Education. --------------- it reads better without the first ''that'' : )

TheMy teaching experiences that I have thusgained so far have proved to behas been very rewarding and fitting tosuited well with my personality.

As a substitute teacher, volunteer educator abroad, community outreach intern and naturalist guide, I have been able to engage in varied learning environments. -------- good : )
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Graduate / 'Chemistry study' - OU Pharmacy short answer: why did you choose this school? [3]

I feel like it is solid for the most part, but it might need some grammar fixes or vocabulary changes.

yep... it sounds good and interesting. You mention about its academic standards and the community as the reasons for you to select OU for furthering studies. However, better mention something about the courses, research opportunities or academic staff to enlighten them more about your decision on choosing them for the next level.

Hope this suggestion is helpful
Good Luck!
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The trauma of my parents splitting up' - admission challenge essay help [7]

Hi Marie : )

Thanks :) Glad to help. Hey can i get some advice with my admission essay, its not finish but just want to see if i am heading in the right direction.

I guess it's me who you thanked :P ....lol

I can help you with your admission essay and why not give me the link?

I'm sure it must be an interesting piece of writing :)
Looking forward to reading your thread!
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Graduate / 'New products every day' - statement of purpose for mechanical engineering [7]

New Products are produced everyday and new ideas are conceived by the second.Regardless of the time period, the development of new inventions has accelerated and we now live in a society where last year's new technology is today's ancient history.

I feel your idea is repeated again. So you may get rid of one of these sentences. I prefer the second one. It is presented well and sounds more catchy to be your opening statement :) So my choice is to scrap off the first sentence :D

Behind these products are the engineers who take these products through the design process, from thestarting with research stage totheuntil ending with productionfinal finished product .

------------ Did introduce a small change.

This is good.... but the first few introductory statements are the facts that everybody knows.... Why not start with one of your personal experience that introduce you to the admission committee as a passionate lover of mechanical engineering.... They would want to know you ; your passion, commitment, credentials, character etc.etc.
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the gift of the Catholic church' - UC someone who has made an impact on your life [3]

but a redirection to the path he has laid out for youu s.

.... I think ''us'' sounds better, though ''you'' is also ok : )

Well.... without any doubt, you can write really well... all your sentences and ideas are well presented. However, I have a concern that whether you have answered the prompt correctly... It's a bit confusing for me to understand whether its your mom or the god who influenced your life. If it's your mom, you better introduce her character better and tell how she made an impact on your life. It is said here, but the focus on her is less.

If it's the god, reduce the prominence you have given to your mom....
Other than this issue, you have written a really good essay : )
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'architecture or town-planning' - GRE Analytical essay Societies and Cities [4]

reflect the belief-system

belief-system? ... why not say " culture, values and life-style " ? .... their culture reflects what they believe, how think and what has shaped their nation.

Cities are very keen to impart how advanced technologically they are, how successful financially successful they are and how efficient its administration system is.

------------------------- This is a very good point. Also re-instate that they do not necessarily reflect the feelings and beliefs of the common man to carry forward your argument into coming paras.
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'They read our emails, messages, and look at our private pictures..' - essay [5]

Please provide us with the title or the prompt of your essay so that we could give you better feed backs. Without knowing the purpose of your writing, we only can help you with editing.

: )


Nowadays technology is constantly changing people's life in many ways; it improves the way people live technology and has become part of people's live.

This is good, but when you say technology is constantly changing people's life, the reader would expect you to tell him at least a few reasons because you have said there are many :D However here you give only one reason that it improves the living standards of people. So you better tell a few more; communication, transportation etc.

Also you can indicated the negatives too when you talk about changing life ; effects on environment, value systems (people has less dependency on each other now and hence less attachment too)
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Letters / ('lecture in English and Persian') A short Letter [3]

Hi,

I assume that this is just a business e-mail communication and Dr Bagher had informed him about his inability to attend to this lecture... (When you make a post, it is better to tell us what the background is, so that we can give you a more relevant feed back)

So, here's my recommendation;


Dear Dr Hosseini,

As informed by Dr. Bagher, he would not be able to conduct the lecture on the 12th December 2012. Therefore I decided to replace him with Mr. Alizadeh for this session and please request Mr. Alizadeh to submit you the title of the lecture in both English and Persian.

dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / The role of women - they should not sit at home if they don't want to [7]

They now can take participationpart in solving some serious problemsdecision making activities that only men were allowed to handle in the past

... I think rather than, solving problems, it is the decision making process that earlier women were kept aside... Now they actively get involved in decisions with men : )

But they have their children who must be under control and care. Someone thinks it is wrong, others think it is right.

My suggestion;
But women cannot be rid from their traditional responsibility of caring and nurturing their offspring just because they are more involved with social activities. Due to this reason, some people argue that women should give their priority to the family in the interest of the society.
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Letters / "active participant in class" ; recommendation letter by past teacher [4]

:D ... Okkkkkkk... why not re-post it or open a new thread so that we can give you a better feed back : )

Ms.Ruba is a careful and creative thinker with an eye forattention to details. (stop here) and aHer devotion to logic, which servescritical analysis and logical thinking made her perform well both in the sciences and outside them.aesthetic subjects.(you can specify the areas she was strong )
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]

My father came to this country to see me being born, he told me his world changed when he first laid his eyes upon me, and he told me that he was given a second chance to take on this world that we live in because he had me, his "special" son. "Special" the word I was given by my father to describe me, it's the same word I use to describe my world.

It's good that you talk about your father's role and his influence on you... but do not drag it too much. This is what I suggest for you;

My father stepped into this unknown land looking for opportunities for his children. He told me that it was my birth that lit up his life and gave him courage and hope. I was his "Special" son, as he described me often.

After reading your essay, I found that you answered the first part "describe the world you come from" very thoroughly, but you forget the second part, which is your aspiration.

---------- this is a very good point... yes you need to attend to it seriously.
If you like my suggestions and need me to help with the rest, let me know.... I shall try my best to help.... when is the dead line?
dumi   
Nov 24, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay, leisure activities: physical or mental rest [4]

Hi joythblessy,

I think you write very well... Also your essay structure is in well conformity with the expected one for this task. With practice you can do really well : )

I found a few places that I thought of highlighting... however, your essay is very good and your come out with very convincing reasons that are well supported by candid examples : )


Our brain concentrate to the book or music and we forgot all other things. It helps to regenerate the brain cells and we feel fresh.

-------------- Here, I think you better tell that these activities would bring the mental relaxation to the person.

On the other hand, people who are ae ngaged in administration and office workswhich leaves mental strainsthat occupy their brain extensively busy, must takegive a break to the brain by allowing the mind to relax duringmental rest their free time.

small typo :D

leisure time activities gives

---------- activity gives/ activities give
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Letters / Chemical engineering; letter for recommendation [2]

It gratifiesis a pleasure for me to give this letter of recommendation to Mr.Anne vijay who is keen to do her higher studies in your university.

Or you can say,
I am very pleased to recommend xxxxx for xxxxx

His intellectual potential and diligence are well evident by the fact that he obtained good sound knowledge in his excellent gradings and successfu l research work and course work

Heexecutes the assigned work with fervour and without delayis a very committed and responsible student who executes all assigned tasks with utmost dedication and enthusiasm .

dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I'm not boring, I promise' - Babson Roomate College Supplement [2]

Congratulations! You made it. It's real! I'm sure you're as thrilled as I am to finally being able to spread your wings at the prestigious Babson College.

Impressive start! Good! : )

s a roommate, I hope to be everything you ask for. Although I can debate for hours on topics such as philosophy and spirituality, I promise I'm not boring.

This is very interesting ...hahaha.... yep, you better make that promise, otherwise he would try another uni ...lol

You've done a great job! I loved every line what you have written.... Why not think of joining our community by becoming a contributor. You can help many other guys who are in need? : )
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The trauma of my parents splitting up' - admission challenge essay help [7]

Good advice by MariettaA : )
She is right... you should make use of the full allowance , I mean the word count.

I really like her comment on the importance of making the essay more intriguing and personal. What she says is very correct because they need to understand you as a person. So they would be keen to know how you have responded to such challenges and what you have learned out of it, to judge your personality traits and qualities.
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Research Papers / English and U.S.A. in the eye of Korean kids [7]

You took the word out of my mouth

:D
Is it good or bad? ...lol


Even a great number of children are being sent to English-speaking countries for the purpose of "English education" and the number is growing year by year.

Even large numbers of children are being educated in English speaking countries with the intention of making them proficient in English language. These numbers are growing at a rapid pace each year.

I split the sentence : )
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / Advantages and diadvantages of examination [5]

Good corrections by StephR.

A few more suggestions;


It is widely believed that checkingjudging students on their performance leads to more persuasion(What do you mean? You mean that persuade students to do better at exams?) . Indeed, in populated societies, due to competitive situationthe competition of academic and business opportunities, it is the grading system that plays a vital role in selecting the best people for a jobfor available opportunities , which actually it is the only possible way to handle such tasks.
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / How will your presence enrich our community? Readmission essay [2]

The curiosity stemmed from the day I used a computer for the first time.

... My suggestion;
The curiosity stemmed for the day I ever laid my hands on a computer.


As such I decided to pursue a degree in Computer Science.

..... well... before this just indicate how you developed your passion which forced you to pursue your studies in this field;
That was the advent of my strong passion for computers and pursuing a degree in Computer Science became my one and only dream.

On the contrary to the stereotype about computer science students having no social life and spending all of the time on a computer, I am very sociable.

Say this differently with a milder tone :D ;
However, I being a very sociable character do not anyway reflect the general perception of computer science students, the stereotypes.
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / Advantages and diadvantages of examination [5]

There has been always an ongoing discussion between academics about accepting grading systems as an evaluation criteria for theof students' work in schools.

But grading system is the already accepted criteria for evaluating students... I do not see much logic in this sentence : (

Both those who are in favor of these systems and the ones who oppose to this matter have pointed out pros and cons of testing students, which each one would be further described in following.

whom do you mean by ''Both''? You have talked about only one criteria before, i.e. the grading system. So what's the other?
You have to tell about that before this sentence, otherwise the reader would wonder who the other party is.

dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'born into a low-income family' - UC first promt your world [15]

My world haschangedbeen changing constantly throughout the 17 seventeen years of my life nurturing my character and personality to be what I am today.bringing many hardships with it but I truly believe that everything that happened in it was for a purpose and it has shaped who I became today .

... I suggest you to stop there and go to a new sentence to tell the rest;
Being born as the second child into a low income family, my world was full of hardships and challenges, but I believe that everything happened for a purpose, and indeed for a good purpose.

I was born as the second child into a low-income family. I grew up watching my family struggle with money problems but somehow get through with life.

You can leave this out as the earlier sentences have already talked about this aspect : )
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Research Papers / English and U.S.A. in the eye of Korean kids [7]

Children as young as five old go to English Kindergarten or private English language center until late at night as most school-age students go to cramming schools (hagwon) at night after finishing their study at school.

Avoid long sentences as they disturb the clarity. Tell your ideas in simple short sentences for the start. That helps you improve the flow of your essay : )

I guess this is what you try to say in above sentence;
The children, as young as five years old, learn English by attending either English Kindergarten or private English language centers. This makes them occupied until late at night since they attend these classes after finishing their regular study at school.
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Am I perfect enough? 'Conviction and bravery are important to keep our heads up' [4]

Aspiring to do the best in anythingeverything we propose ourselves to do is not the same as perfectionism.

this again does not come right.... do you mean;

Striving to do our best in everything that we do is certainly not perfectionism.

In my school there are different kinds of people, some of them who m I have met and was able to know told me their stories.

Don't abruptly end an idea, that confuses the reader... try to have complete sentences. Remember, clarity is very important !

After hearing them, I have come to theascertained conclusion that the problem lies in society and its way of communicating the portrayal of what perfection 'should' look like.

Keep a link between each idea you say
Their stories made me realize that ?????????????? ( I dont understand what you intend to say)
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / "Why my intended major is math"- UC Promt #1 - feedback [2]

Ever since I could remember during elementary school people would ask me "What do you want to be when you grow up?"As a kid I didn't know what I wanted to be, it seemed that every time someone asked me that question I always had a different answer. .

Your point here is to tell them that you did not have a clear idea that time about what you want to be in the future... So, you better come to the point direct avoiding details. That would help improve your flow as well as reducing your word count.

''What do you want to be in future?'' I remember my varied responses from teacher, doctor, engineer to even astronaut and many other, during my days of elementary school.
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / luck and hard work - we should work hard instead of waiting for luck [2]

In my opinion, all of them are elements that help people succeed.

----------- when you say all of them, it sounds there are many things; Here its hard work against luck only : )
In my opinion, both hard work and luck matter for people to succeed

First of all, hard work is the most important characterthing for each people to succeed .

each people is wrong. It should be all people because people is a plural word.
each man/ all men
all people

dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay, leisure activities: physical or mental rest [4]

Leisure time activities are important to keep our body and mind healthy.

.... very good opeining : )

In this world of busy life style it is necessory to use it wisely.

not so good : ( ... :D
My suggestion;
However, not everybody use their leisure time wisely.

Good introduction ! It follows the expected structure. : )

people who are doing hard physical works as a part of their daily work need physical rest

... the word ''work'' is being repeated... try another like ''routine''
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Family like water' - the world I come from, personal statement [7]

My family lived like water; fluid, constantly moving.

Say this differently;
We led a life like the water in a vessel that changes its shape as the vessel is changed. Yes, my family was constantly moving from one place to another that resulted in losing our possessions and friendships.

I realized the only possession I would always have would be my mind.

.... I wish you would use another word instead of ''mind'' .... for me. i : (t does not read well : (
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / Am I perfect enough? 'Conviction and bravery are important to keep our heads up' [4]

Howto do they think?

... a small typo :D

the impression I give to themmake .

It's not uncommon that at least once in our lives we think aboutthat matterwant to what others think about usWhat or how do people think about us?

... don't include repetitive statements.... the sentence I scrapped off sounds redundant by the previous one.

I believe this is a consequence of some degree of perfectionism we own, which is the main issue we identify when insecurities and lack of conviction invade us.

I wish if you say this more simply, it does not deliver your idea clearly. Better rephrase!

Perfectionism is not a shield, but rather an obstacle that impedes us from being our true selves; it's the hard rock that prevents us from being blissful individuals.

... very good! This reads well and gives the reader an idea what you are going to discuss next
dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / MIT short answers; I'm Asian/ my interest in coding/ my mentality [14]

However, I instead consider myself as part of a small, yet growing cultural group known as American-born Chinese

I guess you shoud remove the word "instead" if you need to improve clarity

with strong graspsinfluences

... I prefer the word "influence"

We stock our cabinets with both Chef Boyardee and shrimp crackers and we are fluent in "Chinglish."

Yep.... that's the advantage of being multi cultural .... that's actually more interesting : )

You've done a really good job!
Good Luck!

dumi   
Nov 23, 2012
Undergraduate / this is my Jazz paper; Jazz started to flourish at the end of First World War [2]

The word jazz getting repeated too frequently; this I see through out your essay... Use a substitute and control this repetition : )

African Americans were brought to American as slaves to due labor work for the white man.

As slavery continues for more than two hundred years, African Americans started to lose and forget their cultural identity.

very good : )
You write so well!

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