Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

How about, "I took up violin as an experiment, but it ended up orchestrating my life"? Then you can go on as you already do.

Undergraduate / "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"; Community Problem Solving [7]

I'm not thrilled with the introduction. It's lively, that's true. But it's an awfully long narration of a relatively well-known phenomenon (bidding), with the total amount raised in that one instance -- $60 -- not particularly impressive. The project itself is, of course, impressive. I wonder if you have some other story from your work with that project that you could use to start this piece?

Undergraduate / The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay [10]


Unless Ms. Hoen remains your art teacher, you want to say, "When I was younger, I had a great art teacher." Also the second sentence contains a comma splice. It should be split into two sentences or the comma should be replaced with a semi-colon. In the alternative, you could add the word "and" after the comma.

I disagree with Liebe about the material that he called inappropriate. You should include all of that, except the part about being a certified specialist in Microsoft Word. While I know that you are proud of that achievement, it will not help you and ought not be mentioned in the essay.

Undergraduate / commonapp #2: political science, discuss issue and importance [4]


Yes, in general, an admissions essay should be relatively formal. Yours is informal only in its introduction. I would scrap the deliberate sentence fragment. And, yes, you should be more succinct in general.


I think that the writer is here referring to advocacy for education, which is indeed an issue of public concern and thus appropriate.

That said, requiring licenses for parents is a very controversial idea. More so than you realize if you are not familiar with the history of eugenics legislation in this country. In the past, efforts were made to keep "undesirable" people from reproducing, including African Americans and members of disfavored ethnic groups. These efforts included sterilization of African American, Native American, and low-income white women -- often without their knowledge and always without their consent.

So, in order not to appear to be advocating such drastic measures, I advise you to keep the information about how important it is for parents to be well educated and to have access to sufficient resources, but get rid of your arguments in favor of government regulation of reproduction. Instead, argue for free parenting classes and the like. Studies show that the women who need them do, indeed, avail themselves of such resources when they are easily accessible to them.

Writing Feedback / Offering Incentives - IELTS Essay [14]

"Started" is pure past tense and thus would refer to a process that is already complete. But, this process is ongoing. Some companies have already started doing this, some are starting right now, and others may start tomorrow.

Examples:
In response to government regulation of the 1960s, cigarette companies started placing warning labels on their products.
--refers to a past process
In response to consumer concerns about genetically modified organisms, some food companies have started placing "No GMO" notices on their products.
--refers to an ongoing process

Noticing that he was failing, John began to study more frequently.
--refers to a past process
Noticing that he is coughing every morning, John has begun to quit smoking
--refers to an ongoing process

Writing Feedback / Do you believe that change is a "good and necessary" thing? [5]

This is a good start for a first essay. Looking ahead, you will need to work on grammar and word choice, in order to ensure that your arguments are understandable.


I'm not clear what you are saying here. What "small change" allowed Obama to succeed?


I'm sure that you mean "presidential" election, but I cannot guess what you mean by your use of the word "countenance." I'm guessing that you saw the word in a translator or thesaurus. Before using a new word, be sure to read all of its definitions and associations in a dictionary. If in doubt, use a simpler word that you know well.

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

I join the chorus of voices encouraging you to choose chess. If you need to find a way to explain your grades, slip that in elsewhere or as an addendum.

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

I agree with Sean. The essay starts strong, with the story, but ends weakly.


This comparison is not needed and may possibly be perceived as arrogant. Of course, you do not know the difficulties through which people in your life have themselves persevered.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Children engaging in paid work can have both negative and positive effects [5]

I can see how the prompt -- which itself blurs the distinction between child labor and youth employment -- led you to stray. But note that the word used in the prompt is "children," which in English usually means those who have not entered puberty. (We tend to call teen-agers "adolescents.") Your essay was more appropriate to the question of adolescents having jobs and did a good job of listing the benefits of employment for youth. But it did not address the question of children working for pay.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay -- planning and organization [5]


That's the key to preparing for the TOEFL: Practicing, getting feedback, and doing better and better each time.

Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]


I like the specific example of the project on which you worked, but I wonder about spending so much time on that that you have few words left over to more generally describe your interests and aspirations.

Graduate / "Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement [9]


You're welcome and good luck. Let us know what happens.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

You can simply say that, knowing how much music has meant to you, you could not bear to think of other young people being deprived of it.

Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]

I like the airport crossroads intro, but Sean is right that the tie to the rest of the essay is weak. I'd keep the opening paragraph, radically cut the part where you go on about your love of crossroads, and instead offer yourself as a sort of crossroads, where your parents' aspirations and history mingle with those of you and your peers here in the USA. That, then, can be the transition to your parents telling you about 1979.

Writing Feedback / Offering Incentives - IELTS Essay [14]

First, your writing is not bad at all for someone who never paid attention in English class! Next, I understand that it's not possible to do research for an IELTS essay, but it is important to be careful in one's thinking, in order to avoid the kinds of errors Sean pointed out. In general, you want to stay as close to the prompt as possible, avoiding the urge to sprawl into wider subjects, such as communism versus capitalism.

As for grammar, you have few errors, so you really need to focus on writing coherent, well-organized arguments. Here are a couple of corrections, though:

Many companies have started to offer their employees cash bonuses [omit comma] as an incentivesfor their contribution to the company .

There are also other ways to encourage employees to work harder; these include providing a better working environment, allowing the employees to make decisions on their own, and many others.

or
There are also other ways to encourage employees to work harder: providing a better working environment, allowing the employees to make decisions on their own, and many others.

In general, watch out for a tendency to add commas where they aren't needed. Commas signal pauses. So, read out what you have written, pausing everywhere you have a comma. If a comma makes you pause in an awkward place, probably it is not needed.

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]

Right. While it's not a good idea to compose an essay in your first language and then translate, preliminary tasks such as free-writing or brainstorming can be done in whatever language one feels most comfortable.

Undergraduate / Supplement essay.(Language and communication) [7]

Right, and the numerous grammatical errors undercut your assertion that you are proficient in all three languages.

Undergraduate / Solace in Suburbia - help with Common App Essay [3]

Hmmm... I'm of mixed opinions about this. The essay starts strong and the writing is vivid throughout, but I become bored as the endless description goes on and on. In the end, I wonder: What does this add up to?


Here is where you could maybe begin to add some more substantial content. In lieu of continued lyrical description in the paragraph preceding this, tell us something about your musings on such conundrums.

Undergraduate / "A well informed family" - MSU personal statement [9]


Yes, I like the topic very much.

Undergraduate / "The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1 [9]

Yes, I do feel that you answered the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Yourself, goals, achievements etc.." my essay for FIT. [4]

Here's an idea: Don't start by telling yourself that you suck. If you're applying to FIT, I assume you are creative. Remind yourself of that, and start writing while feeling good about yourself. Then post a draft here for feedback.

Writing Feedback / Music helps people both personally and maintains the culture values of country [5]

For the GRE, you will need to make somewhat more sophisticated arguments and also be much more careful about grammar. I'm not sure whether your errors are due to carelessness or lack of knowledge.

For example:


Are you able to see and correct the error here?

What about here?


Let me know, and this will tell us at what level to give you feedback.

Undergraduate / More flexible engineering curriculum! ; TRANSFER Objectives & Reasons [6]


Yes, but there's a reason the pathetic literary device has been used by so many writers since ancient times: Done right, it works. I think it's done right here.

Writing Feedback / "Actions speak louder than words" (do you agree or disagree with the statement) [8]


I'm not sure how I feel about that advice. I'd have to see the writing that provoked it before I can say whether it was good or bad advice.

Writing Feedback / compare and contrast what conflicts the heroes have and how they face them [6]



Your task is to discover what they have to do with one another. Sean has offered a very good idea but, for some reason, you seem to balk at the key element: Healthcliff was also an outsider because of his race.

Writing Feedback / Vice-President of Phi Theta Kappa; SERVE the underserved/Experiences [2]

No, the question is not the same. The second question is both more general and more specific, asking for any kinds of life experiences that might prepare you for the specific role of providing medical care in an underserved area. The first question focuses in on community-based work that you have done, either as a volunteer or in a paid capacity, not necessarily limited to medical-related work. You do a good job of answering that question, although I would like to see less detail about blood donation and more detail about your work at the soup kitchen and with Habitat for Humanity.

Undergraduate / Harvard (optional) essay- about Iran and travel. [8]

Yes, this is exactly what an optional essay should be. You tell a specific story with vivid detail, thereby illustrating an important point. You make reference to issues larger than yourself while at the same time demonstrating personal growth. I hope that other forum users will have a look at this essay.

My only suggestion would be to flesh out the conclusion. I'm not entirely in agreement with Sean about that sentence, but it's certainly true that the confusion arises because you are trying to squeeze too much into one sentence. Perhaps you could share how you felt when seeing the pictures from the protests and suggest that such images replace the stereotypes in our minds.

Undergraduate / "The human organism and its chemical processes" - Transfer Applicants, PROMPT #1 [9]

Along with demanding honors courses I am taking demanding honors courses via the RB Scholars program and working part time to support my family, I spend my free time in the public library reading and discovering new information about innovations in biochemistry and its applications.


This is awkward. How about, "At university, I will continue my quest to understand the interaction of biochemistry and human physiology"?

Undergraduate / "A well informed family" - MSU personal statement [9]

I was the only one who would only recieve books year after year.

Those happy endings in the stories encouraged me remarkably to be passionate and optimistictoward whatever in front of me at a very young age .

Graduate / "Dear Admission's Committee" - Addendum to a Personal Statement [9]


Yes to all except the last.


"General" and "concise" are not synonymous. One can be vague and long-winded or vague and terse. A key component of concise writing is the removal of modifiers, phrases, and even entire sentences that are so general as to be essentially meaningless.

That said, let me comment on your latest draft:


"Thrilled" is probably not the word you want here, as it implies that you took delight in the patient's misfortune.

While PA M. was diagnosing patients, she did not miss a chance to provide me with explanations and teach me facts about interpreting symptomsinstructed me as she worked . After examining a patient with difficulty swallowing, who was quick to self-had diagnosed himself with strep throat, PA M. determined it was a viral infection instead. This conclusion was based on the additional symptoms she caught by asking further questions. She pointed out that in medicine one of the most difficult parts in detecting a problem is when a patientsoften try to match their symptoms to a certain diagnosis. As a result of this, the doctors may not hear the entire history of symptoms, which ultimately can lead to a wrong diagnosis.

Another interesting aspect of this learning experience wasI also witnessd how patient behavior can give rise to ethical issues.


This is an example of a meaninglessly vague sentence. Either say specifically how your viewpoint changed or leave this out.

Undergraduate / "BODY SLAM"; Wrestling - Common App Short Essay [9]


I liked this sentence from the first version better than the BODY SLAM sentence in the second version. Otherwise, great job.

Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]

Start again, beginning with when you first noticed and dismissed the lump. Walk us through the experience, including all of the different emotions. Then tell us how this has confirmed your decision to be a doctor and will make you a better doctor.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Children engaging in paid work can have both negative and positive effects [5]

Can you say the purpose for which you wrote this essay and also give us the exact prompt? Here, you seem to stray from talking about child labor to talking about the benefits of a part-time job. Obviously, the problem of child labor -- quite young children working instead of going to school -- is something different than older students holding down part-time jobs.

Writing Feedback / The proper use of public resource--GRE ISSUE Appreciate your advice [4]

I notice that you work implicitly within Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which asserts that people will not care about higher-level concerns such as the arts if they are still struggling to survive. The problem is that theory is not quite accurate. While people on the brink of starvation or dehydration do not think of much else, homeless people do write poetry. The walls of former detention centers worldwide testify, by means of the drawings and poetry scratched on them, that people may need art even more when they are in desperate circumstances. So, that's another argument you might have used.

Undergraduate / "moved to Champaign from Nepal" - your decision to apply for transfer [9]

Take out the parts where you describe in such detail your interactions with the staff. Add information about your past educational experiences and what you hope to study at Champaign.

Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

Sean's response gives you a good idea of the hostile reading you will get if you send this essay to a mainstream school. I happen to agree with your conclusions about capitalism. What I would advise you do will depend upon where you are sending the essay. If to a mainstream school in the United States, you may want to change topics altogether, as even the most well-argued critique of capitalism will receive a very hostile reading. If to a progressive program or school, then you can salvage the topic but will have to be much more careful in making your arguments. For example, your first statement is simply untrue, and this undercuts the credibility of everything you say thereafter. Your second line can serve as a thesis statement, provided that you are prepared to marshal the facts to demonstrate that this is true (which, of course, it is, no matter how you defind "we"). I'll be happy to help you do that if you decide to stay with the topic. Just tell us what you plan to do.

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

Let me jump in with a few general comments. I like both versions and would like to see you bring back some of the details -- such as your grandmother the history professor -- from the first version. I'd also like even more details about the sorts of books you like. These could help you to explain why you feel books, which indeed are repositories of ideas and images not on the internet (believe it or not), which convey ideas and information in ways perhaps not well suited to the internet, and which do not require the persistence of the electrical grid or satellite communications ought to be saved.

Next, know that you will find supporters for that position in academia. It's good that you did not remove that element from the essay, as there are lots of book lovers who will look kindly on a young person who has not been so seduced by the internet that s/he does not realize what will be gone if books go.

Writing Feedback / The benefit of a global university-- GRE topic, need help [6]



If you are worried about having enough time to say what you want to say in this timed essay, you could omit such circuitous ways of introducing your points. Skip the ornate transitions and go right to the point.


This comes up again and again in GRE essays, for some reason. Unless you have been told that you are responding to an excerpt or a quote, do not refer to "the speaker" or "the writer." There is no speaker or writer, just an idea to which you've been asked to respond.

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay [5]


Ideally, you will do both: Show off your writing skills and tell or, even better, demonstrate something about yourself. "Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy." That does tell us how long the writer has been playing; the writer's devotion to the sport is implicit in the narrative.

Undergraduate / More flexible engineering curriculum! ; TRANSFER Objectives & Reasons [6]

Oh, I disagree. I very much like the description of the lonely art supplies. This both draws the reader in and establishes your credentials as a truly imaginative person who ought to be allowed to express his or her artistic side. I do think you should edit the whole thing for concision, but I'd be very unhappy to see that part of the essay go.