Writing Feedback / more and more people start to pay attention to education [2]

A few things...

With the rapid development of economy, more and more people start to pay attention to education.
Improve on this, many people do not believe that the economy is rapidly developing... all the more reason to emphasize education. We as a country do not want graduates to expect life to be easy after school- they need confidence and motivation.

There are several reasons for me to posit this. Remove this from the 1st paragraph, and say this at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph. Also re-word this sentence.

A recent survey indicates that since the salaries of teachers are relative low, many teachers have to find another job to enhance the quality of the whole family life which results in that teachers don't have enough time and energy for class.

This sentence is too long, Say "Surveys indicate that teacher's salaries are relatively low. In order to make enough money to support their family, a teacher may take on a part-time job for extra income. This results in teachers who are sluggish and less passionate.

Another good point: some schoolteachers are offered incentives to continue their own education, some schools will pay for graduate level classes or other supplements to a teacher's knowledge base.

Nice job- good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'I love all of my family members' - Essay about personal importance [2]

A few grammar issues...

Whenever I did something wrong, she just gently told me not to relapse into.
Relapse is not a good word here. Maybe say she taught you to never make the same mistake twice.

I even cheated my mother to play games.
This is unclear (what do you mean specifically)

Then, she banned me from going out with friends, walking to school alone.
...friends and walking to school alone (unsupervised- if you want a fancier word)

"Van, you are the only hope of me, why did you let me downm by cheating me and letting yourself distracted from studying?".

This sentence needs to be re-worded, it sounds confusing.

Just remember to show this through your essay: you have made a mistake, you learned from it, you are a better person now, AND that makes you strive for higher goals, makes you more focused, and be sure to mention your long-term goals briefly. God luck in school!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - It's good idea to hire employee for long time [2]

Some people believe that hiring employees for a long time does not allow companies to grow very fast and they loose their efficiency during the time.

long time... causes a company to grow slowly and lose efficiency over time. This would sound better.

Other think, these employees are big resources for that company because they have a lot of related experience about their daily activities.
Others think lifetime employees are a large asset to a business, because they have a lot of experience.

The first reason why keep employee for long time is not a good idea is that they become less energetic and creator during the time.

There are several reasons why a company may not benefit from a lifetime worker. A worker whom is not concerned with job loss may become lazy or less creative.

he cannot adopt his self he cannot adapt himself

firstly, they think that people who works in a company for many years are very loyal to that company and he thinks that plays an important role in that company, so he tries to do his best. First, a business may think a lifetime worker is very loyal and devoted to his job. Also, if he senses that he is valuable and needed, he will do his best to help the company.

I would add at least two more sentences into the final paragraph. Great ideas, good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Incredible me essay (what makes me incredible for my language art essay) [2]

Is it the ultimate goal of happiness that, all individuals are searching for?
You should re-word this sentence. An idea: Are all individuals searching for the ultimate goal of happiness?

They are something that you wish to achieve or to do, for these make you happy.
In order to be truly happy, a person must have an idea of what they want to achieve.

Excellent job with the references to great authors- especially the Hitchhiker's (what a great movie too!)

I need knowledge to obtain the chance to gain more different knowledge in different environment.
Re-word this sentence, it is confusing.

I wasn't born with brightest brain,
Be sure to emphasize how you are focused on self improvement as much as possible, that you are a person with a plan. Also, beware of using the word "dream" too much, "goal, achievement, etc" sound better. Imagine how the reader interprets your personality while reading this essay. Be sure to tie together the 1st and last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / reckless; How my mistakes i made in high school made me a better person-UC essay [3]

You have an interesting story.

That point came at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and with those kinds of thoughts in a fifteen year old girl's mind it became ten months made up of arguments, tears, lies, heart break, and a lot of time spent at home. Run-on sentence. You could remove "in high school" and re-word the rest.

Going into the tenth grade I was three months shy of sixteen years of age and even though in all reality I was still a little kid I felt like I was so much older. You can say this, but I would say it differently.

After all the arguments, hurtful lies and ugly truths came out.
This starts to get a little too much about your emotions, I would condense this part of your story, and add more about your plan for life. You need to imagine applying to school as if you are standing before a judge. Say only what is relevant and makes you look respectable in the end. Of course, it is great that you explain how you had "the rug pulled out from under you" but I would emphasize how you had the guts to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Remember that you need to stand out among the many many apps the schools receive, so make sure to show the college that you are a "person with a plan."

Writing Feedback / Toefl: active class or inactive one [3]

Some students would rather just listen to the professor, and they do not interest in participating in class, but I prefer an active class, which students take part in the discussion and keep trying to talk about topics. This sentence is a little too long. Change "they do not interest" to "they are not interested"

Also, students are capable of directing the discussion and do not permit that the professor's speech tends to some irrelative issues. ...discussion and keep the professor on topic. This would sound better.

For instance, in my class, I read other books about International Politics course because I cannot get a good score without extra study. ...books about an International Politics course because extra research was needed to supplement the lecture.

Last but not least, students could learn better. This sentence is too simple and plain.

Indeed, they are able to remember the materials in their mind very well because their debates cause, they do not be forgotten by students. ...the material very well because of interaction with their classmates, such as debates.

Your grammar is not that bad, I can understand what you mean, I pointed out a few things that could sound better. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Finding the one through a match maker- How did you first learn about St. Bona [6]

Excellent introduction, it really draws attention to your essay.

Thirty-five, that's how many possible matches I had. I would re-word this sentence.

I like how you explain the questions going through your mind while searching. In this paragraph, you ought to add in specific examples of what you want in a college (make it apparent that you have short-term goals such as the swim team).

When I was four, it was cracking the eggs and licking the spoon whenever there was a big charity bake sale; as I grew older, I started running marathons and 5k's with my mom in support of cancer; a couple of years ago, I volunteered at a local hospital to help malnourished children. I like what you are saying, but this sentence is too long.

Very good, just be sure to emphasize that you have a plan for your life and link everything in the essay to your goals.

Undergraduate / 'She has been my mentor' - someone who impacted my life [5]

Nice essay. There are a few things that can be adjusted:

I can remember as a first grader, walking into her room, being mortified that she was consoling one of my classmates in a rocking chair who had just taken a tumble down the slide during a rowdy session of recess. This sentence is a little too long. I am wondering why you were mortified? Maybe surprised is a better word to use.

It is always good to show your family values and morals in an admission essay, just try to refer to your goals in school and in life.

Growing up, my mom was always the peaceful mediator between my brother and I. You are starting a new paragraph here so you may want to create a main point and begin with that. This is where you wrap up the essay so make sure you emphasize YOU a little more.

Undergraduate / "The Ultimate Question"- Commonapp personal essay [2]

Good job, nice writing! A few suggestions:

These questions have teased men for centuries. I am no exception. Indeed, the question has found a comfortable position deep inside my brain where it ignites neurons into thinking. Sometimes, for days. You could shorten the first sentence and then add the 2nd sentence so they become 1 sentence.

no matter what explanations were thrown at my curiosity. You could omit this.

You are overusing the word "universe"

Even today, I spend weeks just thinking about the way our universe works. This sounds a little cheesy, maybe you could say that everyday events cause you to contemplate why things are the way they are.

Everything around me appears nothing more than algorithms. You may want to remove this, although it is apparent you are adding tech terms into your essay to show personality and that's ok.

Remember to state how these lessons you have learned connect to your short-term and long-term goals, you want the university to see that you know what you want.

Undergraduate / 'I like cheese / architecture / Mali' - Notre Dame [11]

I love the essay about cheese-awesome! Maybe you could be a little more descriptive of how cheese makes you feel, that it is a comfort food for you.

Essay 2) I subconsciously believe... I would change this phrase, it sounds weird. In this essay you sound like you are rambling. Since you have so little space to write-make sure it is quality, remember what the university wants to hear- your major point here is that community is very important to you in a school environment.

In the final essay, it is a bit too wordy. I would just keep it simple, you write very well.

Undergraduate / 'the streets of Hong Kong' - UC transfer app- out of my comfort zone [3]

Growing up in San Francisco, I am fortunate enough to be surrounded my many different viewpoints of life, from animal rights to the anything else that a person can believe in.

The wording of this sentence could be better, it is hard to understand. You state that many people around you have many different opinions, be more specific.

However, this is only one viewpoint of life. This does not pertain to the sentences before it. What is the one viewpoint? Sounds confusing. I think the word viewpoint is actually the wrong word to use: you are referring to people's beliefs.

You have the right idea, your topic is great and shows off your personality, just remember what the college wants to hear- the school wants to know that you have a plan for life, so try to explain this, even if its in one sentence that ties the essay to your goals. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / English 107 - money can't buy long-term happiness [3]

In this time of crisis where not many people can reach to the end of the month, the answer of this question will be a resounding yes.But, for people who live comfortably with enough money to reach to the end of the month, the answer for this question probably will be no.

What exactly is the "question" you refer to in these 2 sentences? I would re-word this and omit the word question because it sounds confusing.

the increase of currency "wage increase" would sound better.

Try to simplify some of your big words (its kinda obvious you were using a thesaurus to get them) such as inhabitants and jubilation.

We need to put the things that matter most to our bliss in front of the things that matter to others' perceptions of them.
Be sure to make this statement in the beginning of your essay (use different words but say the same general idea) Doing this will tie everything together.

You have many good points, and you have a great topic, the grammar just needs a little work.

Undergraduate / 'distorted as a result of Hollywood movies and TV shows' - A&M Crossing Boarders [5]

They have the same group of friends their entire life and avoid change like it's the plague. I believe a human can not grow intellectually in this narrow minded environment. You are over-generalizing, it comes across as a little harsh. Of course a person can grow on an intellectual level, but what they may be lacking is SOCIAL intelligence. You could mention how social intelligence is every bit as important as book smarts.

Their perception of other cultures is distorted as a result of Hollywood movies and TV shows such as South Park. This is a good point, expand on how the media perpetuates racism and cultural stereotypes.

You are off to a good start, just try not to sound so judgmental. Also, try to connect your story to the "big picture."

Essays / How to start: "American gothics is ironic but also has negative meanings" [3]

I think this painting is ironic because of how the couple are portrayed. The man and his sister look forlorn instead of happy or hopeful. They have a look of "life is hard." Also, the irony may be in how many parodies of this painting exist, it is very well-known. Negative meanings, family life is difficult and it is challenging just to survive the farm-life. It represents many negative feelings, and appears very straightforward and serious.

Undergraduate / Common App-"YMCA Ballet Instructor provides help for young girl" Hamilton College [2]

You do a nice job describing the subject of your story. Your feelings and challenges are laid out well in your paper. It is easy to read and flows nicely. Remember, it is very important to show the University that you have a plan. Make it clear that you have short term goals, as well as long-term goals. Even one sentence can link your essay to your goals in life and school.

Undergraduate / My heritage, my world (UC Prompt 1) & Making people smile is my talent (UC Prompt 2) [2]

Essay 1) You do an excellent job stating your short-term and long-term goals. It is great that you have roots in your culture and community, you display this well. Your essay is very easy to read and flows nicely. I like how you outlined what your final projects are for your senior year.

Essay 2) Its seems that you are always trying to better yourself, and are very motivated. Making people smile- this is great because it really lets your personality show. It is simple but sweet, and you are obviously wise beyond your age. Nice work.

Undergraduate / 'the same world as many Latinos' - UC Essay Prompt 1 [2]

Nice job! This essay really works. A few things:

People always hear the same stories about how Latinos live in communities with a lot of bad influences.
What you are trying to say here: Latinos are stereotyped as underprivileged, uneducated, and low income. People imagine Latinos live in poor conditions, in dirty neighborhoods, with bad people, drugs and gang activity.

They felt college wasn't for us Latinos, the fear of getting looked down upon or being rejected from that community. So in your community, there is a stigma attached to a very knowledgeable, well-educated person- like an assumption that they think they are better.

Once he got me on the track to go to college, I started to think more socially and community wise. I would re-word this sentence.

No one is there to help the people of America; no one is willing to give a hand at a certain extent for such a small matter.

This sentence is hard to understand.

The country faces such deficit with low money to the education system and a lot of money to the war of Iraq. You make a good point, but i would "upgrade" this sentence somehow to sound more mature.

Undergraduate / The Movies and Film Acts (A common App) [4]

Your essay is fantastic! You are an excellent writer and your thoughts are very well-organized. This is easy to read and interesting, probably because you have many good points.

Yes, movies can be inspiring- to make yourself a better person or be happier in general. A movie should also be a form of escape from the mundane into an amazing world. And you say this: A movie should also be a form of escape from the mundane into an amazing world. Basically, this the most important thing you can say, it is a major point.

The most popular movies today may fill the screen with fantastic pictures of creatures that never existed but they lose the ability to impact the viewer, which is a special effect far greater than anything conjured up on a computer. What you are saying here is great, but the sentence is a bit long and wordy.

Undergraduate / 'Depression' - Issue of Importance- TEXAS A&M TOPIC B [2]

How can depression affect a person's everyday life? (besides saying the generic)

Depression takes a toll on people through sadness, and death. Right here- remove the part about death, and then expand on what the sadness really means for a person. Are you talking about your "generation" like the question asks? Explain more about certain world or American events could generate depression (9/11 or hurricane Katrina, the shootings a Virginia Tech, earthquake in Haiti) The media fuels our generational depression, causing hopelessness. Also more people are growing up spoiled with a skewed view of how real life ought to be, and become disappointed with life in general.

My friend, Frank, has been diagnosed with depression on three separate occasions. Re-word this: He has has three major depressive episodes.

Undergraduate / 'Experience with performance' - Macaulay Essay on risk [2]

Fantastic story! Your essay is very well-written and easy to read. I think many people can relate to your situation, which is striving for something just out of reach. You have great follow-through after the initial story and you tie everything together nicely. There are no grammatical errors that are apparent. The event when you performed has shaped who you are as a person, and that is very meaningful. You answered the question in a mature, educated way.

Essays / Ideas for beginning my essay on Mobile Phones and their impact on life [10]

You want ideas? Think about situations that would be different if a cell phone was not available to you. I don't think the question requires you to write about "apps" and such (smartphone stuff). So I would maybe give an example or two of a time when a cellphone really made things better (or worse?), say your car broke down- imagine NOT having a cellphone. Remember to show your personality through your writing, this is what the reader really wants. Plus, be original, try not to write about what you imagine others' responses would be.

Undergraduate / 'focused on my grandpa' - Michigan state [3]

Nicely done! This essay is very well written and easy to read.

My mind wasn't focused on school; it was focused on my grandpa. It may sound better here to emphasize how you focused on grandpa, "my mind was less focused on school, and MORE (insert another word for focused) on grandpa.

She moved in with them because she believed that my grandpa needed constant supervision and needed to be taken care of. Your mother sacrificed a lot for her father... the ending of this sentence should be changed to "needed care" for example (remove "of" at the end)

The leaving of my mom left my home in shambles, we rarely saw her and this put my home through a tough time.
Try to be a little more descriptive of how your home was in "shambles." Don't forget to keep linking your story to your academics. Also you say "home" twice here.

In the time that he was alive I wasn't focused on school. This sentence could be re-worded.

The final sentence could use work, and remove "to" at the end. All in all, a great essay!

Writing Feedback / Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are not. [4]

The grammar is pretty good. I pointed out a couple sentences that I thought could use some work. Nice job!

Graduate / 'raised in a poor village in West Bengal, India' - Personal History Statement [5]

Wow! Excellent story.
Little did anyone know that a student who couldn't speak English properly and had never touched a computer mouse before his 7th grade could be double Gold Medalist in the All India Computer Olympiad in the year 2005 and 2006. This sentence is too long and wordy, say these things in 2 sentences.

This incident was life-changing and I could see my true potential. These achievements were life-changing and I realized my full potential.

I could see my challenge, my life goal right in front of my eyes.
My passion for technology and research skills gave me nationwide recognition and every time. These sentences connect 2 paragraphs, they need to "flow" better. This is a bit disjointed.

You explain that your education and success has led to a strong desire to give back to your community. I think the reader would like to know what this experience taught you and how has it rewarded you. It needs a little more personality in the last paragraph because it begins to sound more like a resume.

Undergraduate / 'As a young Asian American' world you come from and how it shaped the person you are [2]

As I grew, I did not become the traditional by-product of who my parents were intending to create through their traditional parenting. ...I did not become the by-product of this traditional upbringing, as my parents had intended.

Even though I have not become the person my parents intended to create You are repeating yourself here.

My unwillingness became resent toward my parents and it lead to an aggregated decline in school performance. My unwillingness to study and overachieve led to resentment toward my parents...

Thomas, how did you change so much. You were such a modeled student." ...change so much? You were such a model student.

Outside of classrooms, I began to surround myself with friends who were bad influences. Outside of the classroom, I became surrounded with friends who were a bad influence.

I had never thought of the future for myself. You could say: I had never imagined what my future would be like.

I was being selfish to myself and I knew I had to change. remove "to myself"

I like your story, it is inspiring and shows how important a parent's role is in education for their child.

Writing Feedback / Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are not. [4]

Some people like movies which are serious, but others prefer some ones, which are amusing and entertaining.
Another way you could say this: Some people prefer serious movies <also could be called deep, dramatic, thriller> while others enjoy watching a movie that is simple and straightforward. <comedies, for example>

The second paragraph needs to "grab" the readers attention a little more. I would describe how a serious movie makes you feel as you are watching it. Explain how you may feel like you are "in" the movie, because your mind is so involved in the plot, scenery, characters, storyline, all anticipating how the ending will turn out. A serious movie normally gets the viewer to somehow "relate" to the characters/situation.

After this, you can continue saying what is in the 2nd paragraph, explaining how movie-watching inspires people's everyday lives.

People may find a better job, or doing their works better because the new view which comes from those movies brings them new aptitudes.
Simplify: Movies inspire new ideas and thoughts, which could give people the motivation to do better in life.

Also, movies take people from their mundane, boring day into another world and environment, a form of escape for some people.

Also, many people enjoy watching serious movies because they must think for understanding movies' purposes. For instance, people see a movie which is a comic one; nevertheless, this movie lies among serious movies, and people get pleasure when their watch it beside their family or friends.

These 2 sentences need work, they are hard to read.

Essays / An electrical course evaluation - Help in writing english [3]

b. Describe where you went wrong.

Tell the reader why the question or problem was difficult for you. How did you make a mistake when answering the question?

ii. What about the problem could have helped you organize the correct response? (i.e., what did you miss the first time)

When you made the mistake, exactly what did you miss that may have led you to correctly answer?

c. What misconceptions did you have? After reviewing the problem - did you uncover misconceptions in your understanding of the problem itself, the underlying concepts,

or your approach to the problem? Are there aspects of this problem that are still unclear to you? Describe.

Did you see the problem as something different than it really was? For example: "I had some misconceptions about this question, I found ____ to be confusing and beyond my comprehension. I would again state what you did not understand about the problem. Did you make a specific error during your problem-solving?

d. How would you study for this kind of problem in the future?

I could have better prepared for this question by _____ Is there a topic, system, or information that could help you in the future?

Undergraduate / 'busy bakery and catering business' - work extracurricular CommonApp [2]

My first five days of training was comfortable and easy but before I could take off the training wheels, I was slammed.
First tell the reader you were training at a deli/ bakery business. Then expand on how you felt about being overwhelmed with the workload, I'm sure everyone can relate to your experience.

That month and a half of graduation season, I treated is as my initiation to the deceitfully small but busy bakery and catering business my boss Maria ran.

Not so sure if initiation is the best word you could use here. Also you might want to say "...business run by my boss Maria." Describing Maria a bit in this paragraph is nicely done.

This work ethic is applies to different areas of my life; work, studies and family.
You say "work ethic" twice in the final paragraph. I would make your final sentence less generic, it sounds a little plain.

Undergraduate / "Flight 326 departing in 10 minutes" - UF APP [2]

Your first few sentences are very descriptive, and effectively paint a visual image.
The beginning, however, needs to get to the point after this, to keep the reader interested. Also this connects the beginning to your final paragraph, and allows the paper to "flow".

Although not unexpected, I refuse to grasp the concept that I will never be reunited with the community that has given me the best years of my life up until now, leaving me in emotional turmoil and dismay.

This sentence is quite long, perhaps you could split it into two shorter ones.

From Alaska to Germany
It is unclear what you mean here exactly, I assume these are different places you have lived, but I would elaborate.

has given me a remarkable affinity for adaption

has made me quite adaptable.

It seems you are an inspiration to others, as your travels have taught you a lot about the world, this essay shows your true colors.

Undergraduate / UChicago Short Answer Questions "Why Chicago?" + "Favorite Music: Soundtracks" [2]

In the first essay I can tell these things about your personality: That campus life excites you, you get good grades, you are indecisive when choosing classes, and you have a "passion for knowledge."

That letter fulfilled all three
Maybe you should use some other word than fulfilled? "Reflected" perhaps?

The second essay is well done, has a good flow and is descriptive.
Your writing skills are great and it is evident in these essays.

When I watch a movie, game, TV show, or even commercial that moves me my very next step is to Google the soundtrack
This sentence sounds a little wordy.

Undergraduate / 'obsessed with everything fashion' - F.I.T - Fashion Merchandising Managment [3]

Your grammar needs a little cleaning up, especially the first paragraph.

If you can, try to elaborate a little more on your fashion experience in high
school, this is definitely the heart of the essay.

The third paragraph also has some grammatical errors.

I feel as though F.I.T is the perfect school for me not only for the great reputation that it has but because of what it has to offer to it's students

This sentence could be made easier to read.

If I were to get accepted into F.I.T's Fashion Merchandising Managment program I would bring the fact that im a hard worker, great listener, creativty, my ambtious attitude. I also get along well with others.

Expand on these qualities in an additional sentence.

I like the way you mention aspiring to your mother's position, it adds character to the paper.

Writing Feedback / Mothers have and will always impact our lives [3]

You paint a detailed picture of your home life as a child. I love the way you explain why your mother is a hero to you. This shows the reader you have a great appreciation for your family. I would change "no matter what, the circumstances are" to "regardless of the circumstance". The final sentence effectively wraps things up, although it is a little too long. Your essay proves that you were raised with care, morals, and love, which has shaped your personality and life. I believe this is an excellent and captivating story.

Undergraduate / veterinary medicine -VT Essay - the five top reasons you want to attend Virginia Tech [5]

I will try to help with making your essay a little shorter. Try: "I am the youngest of seven children, and my home is only two hours away from the campus, so being close to family is vital." Add a comma after "game this fall" Also, you could say, "I had a sense of belonging that overwhelmed me." Maybe say "Athletics create a bond among students and the Hokie nation, and it is invigorating!" "Even though that was my first experience at a college football game"-- You could shorten this. "Since my first college football game..." It is apparent that you are very enthusiastic, and you seem very motivated. This essay touches on your values as a person and a student, the reasons are all there, without sounding "choppy" or disjointed.

Undergraduate / 'the determination and curiosity to study the brain' - UW-Madison personal statement [2]

The sentence that begins "I definitely see myself..." is a bit too long. Also "I strongly intend..." is a little long. You could split up these sentences into a few shorter ones, to make it easier for the reader to follow. "My activities..." I would say "My past and current activities are due to my enthusiasm for..." perhaps. The sentence that begins "My interests..." change 'considering' to 'consider'. Say in a separate sentence how you are especially interested in Parkinson's, etc. I love the 2nd to last paragraph, it makes me sense your personality! The final paragraph is fantastic. Overall, you got your message across in a very mature and interesting manner.