Writing Feedback / Single sex education and coed [7]


Compare and contrast essays are difficult.

You need to revise the intro paragraph so that you are introducing 2 things: arguments for single sex ed, and arguments for coed education. Talk about these 2 things in the intro, and make the last sentence of the intro paragraph a sentence about the RELATIONSHIP between the two viewpoints.

Body paragraph 1: write about the argument for single sex ed
Body paragraph 2: write about the argument for coed education
Body paragraph 3 write about them both in the same paragraph.

Then, write a conclusion paragraph that talks again about the RELATIONSHIP between the two viewpoints.

If you need more information on writing a research paper, you may also consult with this resource: essaycoupons.com/research/paper-writing/

Poetry / "Damsel's Nightmare". What do you think about my limerick and the description? [6]

Caught deadly swine flu on her way to Peru!
Too many syllables.

A damsel whose nickname was Sue
Had nightmares about the swine flu
da da da da da,
da da da da da,
da da da da da da da da
(And booked a quick flight to Peru)

Book Reports / 'A Thousand Splendid Suns' summative Essay on Freedom [4]

Part of this is difficult to write... It is not your fault; what you are trying to express is a complex idea.
Try this:
... cause them to react differently to the same their circumstances. The novel's two protagonists, Mariam and Laila, have ...


One good strategy is to go deep into the book and really enjoy it... and... write whatever you want. When an idea comes to mind, write a sentence about it. Follow that up with a sentence of elaboration and example, quotation, etc., and... let each idea become a paragraph.

Just make sure the ideas you write about are ideas that support your thesis: gender oppression causes its victims to act ________ (what is the perfect word to use?)

:-)

Undergraduate / "I learned to face the challenge" - Transfer common app. essay [8]


Well, yes, this would sound stiff and boring because it is so plain and obvious and.. like.. general. The thing to do is show the uniqueness of the situation. What is it that drives you? What is it that you realized during struggles of recent years? When you think of the THEME that will make this powerful, you will know you have found it.

The powerful theme has an astute observation, or it has some conflict of complexity that makes it fascinating to the reader. I bet you are complex and fascinating; dig deeper, and share a little glimpse of what it is that drives you into the field of medicine.

(Also, I agree: take out the "rosy" part) :-)

Speeches / "to become a good human being and a good doctor" - speech, need ending [3]

One word, not two: Every body Everybody

...knows what ice breaking speech is. We have to introduce our self ourselves to our fellow toastmasters .

I am was born and brought up in India, in a district called Akola. I have one younger brother and one elder sister. My father is a politician and ...

I started driving in the United States, and it was a completely new experience. Actually, the rules were not only different but entirely opposite.

People in the United States are very different. Their culture is totally different. As the people in Minneapolis are very ...

To end it, you should look back on themes you established near the beginning, and refer back to them. You can refer again to the Shakespear quote from the beginning. Refer to it as you discuss your vision for a future as a physician.

:-)

Book Reports / how to write ESSAY on Hamlet for grade 12 english (need help to start the essay) [8]

Your first sentence should not say something obvious. Start with a sentence that makes an intriguing observation. For example:
Courage and cowardice are characteristics that mean different things to different people.

That would be a good intro sentence. Grab the attention.

However, there are many instances which illustrates illustrate that Hamlet is not a coward. He is not a coward because he converses with the ghost before knowing the intentions of the ghost and ...

use a spell checker

capitalize Hamlet.
Also, after this conversation, Hamlet promises the ghost to revenge his father's death by killing Claudius. Lastly, he inserts ...

Good! Add one more sentence to the end of the intro paragraph -- a sentence that says something about these three pieces of evidence of his courage.

Then, write the body paragraphs and give each of the 3 paragraphs a topic sentence that corresponds to one of the three pieces of evidence you name in the intro.

:-)

Essays / Interpretation Needed for a Langston Huges extract [3]

Well, you must have some ideas about it, if you have read it. It is worth reading, even if you are very busy this week.

If you are supposed to interpret this, the teacher must be providing readings about the time period and the context of this passage.

Or are you supposed to do research?

It's from "The Negro Artist and the Racial Mountain" so search for that title in the school database and find things other people wrote about it.

You can also look as a biography of Hughes and see what the biographer says about the context of this work.

Google this: The Negro Artist and the Racial Mountain context

A biography is good, because the biographer will tell about the context within which he wrote "The Negro Artist and the Racial Mountain"

:-)

Essays / Why did the role of the CIA diminish in the 1970s? [5]

This is great. Think of them as separate essays... three small essays instead of one big essay. Then, put the three small essays together and see what their collective thesis turns out to be.

:-)

whatever that is... write an intro paragraph about it. And at the end, you can really enjoy reflecting (in a conclusion paragraph) on the truth you uncovered with an analysis of these three aspects of the phenomenon you're expounding.

Essays / Boas Anthropology [5]


Well, you would be surprised at how helpful a simple recipe like that can be, even for people who are experienced writers. An essay with good structure is a series of well-articulated ideas. If someone deeply understands that, it really helps them interact with their readings and writings.

So, I think it is useful even though you intended it for another thread, ha ha... it's how we break an essay down into the ideas, the individual ideas.

In this case, the student is struggling to come up with an answer to complex questions; it is especially important to identify key ideas, like "likeness of effects" in the topic sentence of one of the questions. Those questions need to be broken down into their component ideas.

Then, you need to break down the reading in the same way. It's tedious, but maybe you will love it!

Writing Feedback / The Internet and Collegian Populace - checking the validity and soundness [6]

The Internet has a multitude of uses with the primary purpose is being to connect...

Although there is an immeasurable number of...

You end the first paragraph with this sentence:
"...the groups with the greatest amount of concern invested in the subject matter would be college students, parents and college-level educators, and lawmakers." ---- this makes me wonder to myself about what the purpose of this essay is. I could have figured out myself that these groups are concerned with the way the Internet is being used among college students... At the end of the first paragraph, I wonder what the main point of this essay is and if it is worth reading.

Oh... I see what you are arguing now. I think you should condense the first 3 paragrahs into one paragraph and omit any sentences that "state the obvious." End the first paragraph with a sentence that tells the main point you are making here. Make sure you end the first paragraph with a sentence that tells something the reader might now already know!

Do now include this:
If something is not done to extend the positive aspects of the Internet, and lessen the negative, the collegiate community could find itself using typewriters and ... It just is not true or realistic! :-)

As you revise, focus on the main argument you are making and make sure almost every paragraph has a topic sentence or conclusion sentence that supports the main argument.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Single sex education and coed [7]

However, school remains one of the primary agents of socialization .

Single-sex schools may have certain benefits, but the fact remains that you cannot shelter your child from the opposite sex forever. Learning happens throughout life, and a lot of this learning occurs through inter-sex male-female interaction.

good points!! Based on arguments you make, you seem to be writing about the benefits of single sex ed for girls. Maybe you should include a paragraph about the boys as well.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cbest Essay on US becoming spectators. [7]

Usually we say "the"

The United States of America is ...

The United States of America is considered to be one of the strongest among other the nations of the world in respect to developments and economic strength.

Other countries, like Chi na, Japan and India, are ...

In spite of having one of the best education systems and schools in the world, we are ...

America depends on highly skilled workers of other nations to do their jobs. Moreover, most of the skilled jobs are taken by people from outside of the country. Why do we depend on these other nation skilled people for our skilled jobs? People don't want get into higher education. We concentrate more on privacy and having fun in life by enjoying each and every moment. On the other hand these skilled workers of other nations get an higher education to work hard to compete in t...

Eventually We want to sit back and be a spectators, and we don't want to work hard to compete with in this competitive world. We feel confident that we are quite versed economically and have already developed, so we think we can effort getting afford to have our work done by others.

This essay makes me think of the word "complacency." If you don't know that word, you should google it now, because it is what this essay is about.

Great job! I hope you understand the corrections!

Essays / (Philmore Pty Ltd) Business Law Essay [4]


Yes, this is what I was thinking. Do your class readings show a situation in which a customer is being discriminated against?

I hope you'll look at the class readings and search for key words that tell what you need to know. For example, how is the word "position" used in your class readings? That is a word I would look for.

Writing Feedback / "A simple life" - intro to my essay [5]

You capitalized "life" in that first sentence. Keep it lower case: life

Keep the verb forms the same throughout each sentence:
For me, it means to make life less complicated and eliminate the stress.
or
For me, it means making life less complicated and eliminating the stress.

Same thing here:
You can simplify your life by living within your means, clearing clutter, and cutting out any negative relationships. --- i made them all ing words!! :-)

Writing Feedback / Single sex education and coed [7]

Hi, I hope you are making good progress.

You should follow these steps:

Write a sentence about academic concerns.
Write a sentence about behavioral concerns.
Write a sentence about classroom management and learning environment.
Use each of those sentences as a topic sentence for the body paragraphs.

Google "topic sentence"
Google "body paragraph"

When you complete the three body paragraphs, go back and write the introduction paragraph with your thesis statement about single sex education or co-ed education.

:-)

I can't wait to see what you come up with! We'll help you correct your errors.

Writing Feedback / Stereotype essay (races); Imagine having no friends in school just because of your skin color [6]

:-) You give a great discussion here!! Congratulations on all your worldly experience in various places!!!

Writing Feedback / Age of the Internet which brings the world so close to each other [2]

Capitalize Internet.
capitalize English
Use a spell checker.

More and more people seem to be interacting with one another since the Internet gained popularity.

This sentence has no verb:
As a result,the expansion of different languages around the globe has occurred . --- I added "as occurred" as a verb.

Through the Internet people share values, culture and style; it does help not only promoting a language, but also a culture.

To begin with, lets have a glance on history and facts. The English language gained ...

Use a spell checker and correct some of those mistakes! I look forward to seeing the next draft!! :-)

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]

Yep... I constantly notice stuff like that in my own writing. Doesn't seem the same to others as it does to me. That's why this kind of writers' group is a good thing to use...

:-)

Graduate / SOP for English literature (Graduate, literary studies) [4]

What do you mean when you say I dropped it?
I am googling around and don't see any of this material online elsewhere, but yes, it is best to never copy and paste anything into EF from other places. We have to guard carefully against plagiarism.

thanks so much for participating!! :-D

Student Talk / Writing originally. How to shatter the cliché writing style of an undergraduate scholar [7]


You write very well, and the high quality of your writing reflects some understanding that you can't really have without being aware of it. So, you must know you are good.

To be perfect, though, you've got to find Stephen King's On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft,
Dianna Hacker's A Writer's Reference, John Cresswell's stuff about research methodology, and most importantly Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Get through all those, and you will be very confident!! Also, participate here in discussions about essays. Check the unanswered list.

Graduate / 'my career as a Visual Artist' - Statement of Purpose for Graphic Design Course [8]

haha you are welcome!! I hope you'll continue to participate here when you have time! :-)

Undergraduate / Why do I want to become a nurse? essay- school admission. [5]

I like that first suggestion for a revision of the first line. I was going to suggest this:
The compassion, warmth, and determination to help others has have always been a major part of her. ---- but Linmark's way is better!

I don't know if any EF members are admissions officers, but we should get some!

And as you can imaging imagine, being having been her child for quite some time, now, it was is not so difficult for me to grasp these sensational virtues. She would help anyone ...

Although (no comma necessary) my mother ...

This last part needs a little change. It is wrong because of: my eagerness to -------> personality
I firmly believe that my personality and eagerness to learn, help people, and personality _______ (add something different) along with my efficiency will benefit any of my future employers and certainly make me a better person and remarkable nurse.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "dedication to mom" - people who influenced my values in my life [4]

I like the first sentence, but I would add a comma:
Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed me a lot more than the rest, and this ...

Another important value that she has taught me is if I am going to start something then I have to complete it. --- for each thing she taught, it would be good to SHOW with an example of something she did or said. Let the reader figure out that she taught you each value. Let the reader see examples. ("Show, don't tell")

You should cut off the meaningless part Though there are many people who influenced my values in my life, I believe there is one person who showed ...

Is this all one paragraph? Write some paragraphs. Make each paragraph about a single idea. For every idea you write about, start a new paragraph, and start that paragraph with a topic sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I learned to face the challenge" - Transfer common app. essay [8]

Through many accomplishments and disappointments, in life I learned to face challenges with discipline and resolve.
My parents were inspired individuals who were fearless in pursuing their American dream for the benefit of our family. --- awesome!!

There is something really nice about this. It is honest and straightforward. However it is missing a clear, main idea. I think you should cut that first paragraph in half and make it into two paragraphs. Then, go to the end of the first paragraph and add a thesis sentence that tells the main theme for the whole essay. If you are clever, you can write a thesis sentence that is supported (i.e. substantiated) by all the subjects covered in the essay. Make the thesis interesting, and make it reflect your specific plan for med school, etc.

:-)

Essays / Boas Anthropology [5]

Yes, that little recipe is good when people have trouble or feel lost when they try to write an essay. That recipe is too simple, though!! Obviously, essays can take many forms. But the idea is to spend a whole paragraph explaining ONE idea. That is a good way for beginners to write.

I googled this:
George Stocking Mason debate likeness of effects

But I did not get much useful stuff!! I'm sorry, I might not be much help here.

My advice is this:
Look at your class readings, and write a paragraph about "internal meanings" in cultures.
Next, write about classification in cultures.
Then, write about that debate, and whatever likeness of effects is.

The point is to write those three separate things. If you try to do everything at once, you get overwhelmed.

Got class readings for these subjects?

Research Papers / Writing an Abstract, Introduction, Methods, Results, Discussion (APA format) [7]

Well, I would change the first sentence:
Lighting is important in any environment, even in the learning environment. There is a It is possible that different lighting in a classroom can affect the students attention span during lectures. Different kinds of lighting in a classroom will ...

Different kinds of lighting ca n change a person's mood (cite a source).

A person's age could be affected in different light setting.(what does this mean?)

I recommend using the term "kinds of lighting"
Different kinds of lighting affect the individual's ...

shosws
shows

This kind of writing is hard to learn, but you are doing well!! It gets easier.

Graduate / 'petrol on the burning fire' - Statement of interest for graduation M-Engg program [14]

You are welcome! Please participate when you can, and check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Letters / Cover Letter for an application for an intern position at HSBC [6]

A good strategy is to go comment on a lot of other essays, and then give them this link to your essay: https://essayforum.com/letters-19/cover-application-intern-position-hsbc-16745/ ask them to return the favor.

I do see that you have given some help to people already... thanks!! Link them to your essay. Also check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Poetry / "Damsel's Nightmare". What do you think about my limerick and the description? [6]

Meter is easy!! Just memorize the sound you are trying to achieve... (line 5) She DAT DAT DAT DAT DAT Peru!

Did you understand what Tim said about the pattern? This subject can be tough if you have not studied it. The trick is to enjoy it! This stuff was fun for people before the TV was invented, ha ha... essays, too. Essays were read at coffee shops for people's entertainment.

:-)

Student Talk / Kevin's Collection of Example Essays -- "good structure" [11]

Here is another one with good structure. Even though there are mistakes, this person understands how to use topic sentences to support the thesis. S/he understands structure: https://essayforum.com/writing-3/plan-birthday-party-adults-process-analysis-16751/

Writing Feedback / "How to Plan a Birthday Party for Adults" - process analysis essay [2]

The next step is to choos e an appropriate place, such as restaurant, history club, hotel's suite or ballroom , or your house.

Use a spell checker!

Your essay has great organization. It is an example of an essay with good "structure."

For example, you could choose your house as a birthday party place.

For example, if your budget is $1000 to plan a birthday party, you could spend $600 on food, drinks and supplies, &300 $300 on hiring a band or DJ, and $100 for decorations.------ when you throw me a party, just skip the festivities and spend the thousand bucks on gifts. :-)

Poetry / How is my analysis of The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost?? [6]

If you are writing about the poem, you should make a thesis this way:
"Frost seems to be showing that the decisions we make in life should be chosen carefully because there is no going back."
If you just write, "The decisions we make in life should be chosen carefully because there is no going back," it will seem like the main idea of the essay is this. But actually, the main idea is to be about the poem.

Once again, it made me realize the importance of decisions. Redundant

I see that you have a topic sentence about his melancholic way of portraying decisions. This is good for supporting your thesis. Bu this does not support the thesis:

The third stanza is the shift of the poem containing the major irony of the poem.--- change it so that it says something to back up the claim (your thesis)

:-)

Undergraduate / Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence (two ideas, one to pick) [6]


When you use "such as" it has to be part of the sentence:
...to live by myself, such as buying a house, dealing with credit...

Just separate it with a comma.

I like the one about the Magnet school. Actually, I think you can use all the power of the one about having to grow up fast due to Mom's language barrier if you MENTION IT AS PART OF THE STORY ABOUT TRYING TO GET INTO MAGNET SCHOOL.

Know what I mean? That would get the power of both ideas.

As you write about magnet school, talk about your career goal that motivated you to attend the best school, and then talk about that motive as your reason for applying to this school for which you're writing the essay.

Book Reports / "Life without obstacles" - (Hamlet essay) [3]

This is a run on sentence:
Life without obstacles is a clock without time, one cannot survive without the other.
You can fix it with a colon:
Life without obstacles is a clock without time: one cannot survive without the other. ---- that is a perfect place for a colon.

However, is it true that "life cannot survive?" You might say exist instead of survive.

All in all, Hamlet has encountered many hardships in his life.---- not a good thesis statement. Make a specific observation about it. Imagine you hear some of your uncles and aunts talking about this play... what would you contribute to the conversation? It is too obvious and simple to say he encountered obstacles. Make an observation, like... something like... "Shakespeare seemed to be using Hamlet to show a particular aspect of human nature." But even that is a little too simple. Make an observation based on your own unique perspective on it.

Look at the obstacles as you describe them here, and just add a sentence or two to the END OF EACH PARAGRAPH in order to go a little deeper into the discussion. Consider the implications of these obstacles, and Shakespeare's use of "selection of detail" (Google that if necessary)

:)

Graduate / SOP for English literature (Graduate, literary studies) [4]

First I would like to introduce myself as I am so fortunate to be an undergraduate student of the bachelor of English literature at University of Isfahan, one of the most prestigious universities in Iran. Having majored in literary studies as an undergraduate, I would now like to concentrate on English and Irish literature.

Should I be accepted into your university, I intend to resume my studies of Romantic and naturalist literature focusing on their natural elements.

Writing is also an important aspect of my academic and hopefully professional aims future.

Career-wise I see myself as one...

I see much value in studying literature for its own sake and am willing to ...

very nice ending!!!

Letters / Cover Letter for an application for an intern position at HSBC [6]

Your first paragraph is beautifully written!! I like it. Here is a correction:
Additionally I would be able to gain precious insights and cultivate my professionalism from them while trying my best to contribute my share of value to better enhance the performance of the entire team.

Furthermore, as a university event associate, I have...

I will really appreciate an interview opportunity with HSBC Vietnam.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Control over happiness - 'people gain happiness differently' (SAT) [5]

Both external and internal environments motive people to seek happiness.Through literature, one can see how this statement proves to be true.

Happiness is sometimes imposed by outside generated by forces outside the person, as is seen in the novel Great Expectations.

However,when his dream he becomes disillusioned, he is able to confront the reality and retrieved his nature and his affection with Joe. (now add one more sentence to connect this to the idea of happiness).

At the same time,we acquire happiness from our inner experiences.--- I added the word inner to make it support the thesis statement.

I like your theme of outer and inner sources of happiness!!

:-)

Essays / Why did the role of the CIA diminish in the 1970s? [5]

Yes, this is a huge topic, so those subthemes will get you a lot of information. How many articles have you read? Remember that you will find more ideas from each article. Each article can be worth 2 paragraphs of your essay. Think of the paper as a collage of articles, and you type the essence of each article in 1-2 paragraphs.

Graduate / 'petrol on the burning fire' - Statement of interest for graduation M-Engg program [14]

My interest in mechanical engineering dates since back to my high-school years. I was so excited since my childhood about how a car runs on the road, how an engine works, how an aeroplane flies, an so forth. My curiosity peaked when I was in my 10th standard.

After receiving my diploma, I was not completely satisfied with the level of knowledge I had acquired to pursue a career in mechanical engineering, and I hadn't had any experience in an industrial environment yet.

Make this one sentence:
After that, I started my work carrier in the manufacturing industry I started my work carrier as a computer numerical machines (CNC) operator.

I gave my full effort to study and got excellent re sults.

I came in Canada in July of 2009.

I think you should change the topic sentences so that each topic sentence tells the main idea of the paragraph. Instead of telling chronological story, let each paragraph epress an important point. For example, do not just write "I came in Canada in July of 2009." Write this:

I came in Canada in July of 2009, because I intend to take admission for M-Engg program in Ryerson university. --- this way, the first sentence of the paragraph introduces the paragraph's main idea.

I don't know how to start here but i have a kind of stuff to study in ryerson. This sentence does not make sense.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / I need help to write a report to justify a fabrication department [3]


You need to show what the department contributes to the company, is that right? Do you need to write this report to show the value your department has for the company?

This has to be a persuasive essay. List 3 strong arguments about the importance of the department. Let each argument becme a paragraph. Then, go back and write an introduction. I'm sorry I have no example to give. I'm not sure yet if I correctly understand what you are trying to do. Who will read the report? The company executives?