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Posts by moon05
Joined: Nov 25, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 10, 2013
Threads: 13
Posts: 132  
From: Bangladesh

Displayed posts: 145 / page 2 of 4
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moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / My Love - Soccer Commonapp Short answer Question [6]

most, physically and mentally.

soothe my mind by drifting my mindit away

tasks, and casting off other stresses.

no need of the comma

You have a lot of characters left. People crave for even 2 or 3 more characters and you haven merely crossed the half of what is given. I would advise you to draw an experience, a memorable football match or some event that shows your sportsmanship... And then describe what you like about football, what are the things you are good at etc. etc..

Try to go to the character limit as close as possible.. and describe your love for football!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Family Picnic to Teluk Kemang [2]

hey Theones I have a big question for you. I have already seen this essay elsewhere in this forum and I also posted in it. Where did you get it! Are you the same person? If then you could just use that same user ID!

Whatever you haven't mentioned why are you writing this piece, what is the prompt... Without these things none can help you the most!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / Job or social life? Which can effect more on one's happiness? (TOEFL) [3]

Hey lily2012 overall your essay is well written... The examples are, what can I say, well thought...
But there are a lot of grammar mistakes...
Should I correct them?
Anyway I made the corrections if you need them:

For my part, I believe the theory of happiness definition : You can achieve more happiness when you are doing what you value more.

The sentence is kind of awkward. there's something wrong with the highlighted part.

Therefore, colorful social life would like tolikely bring them more happiness tha n their job.

They just consider their job as a mean of ensuring financial security, which is required to support them in order to enjoy their social life.

Not only could they develop their interests, like fishing, skiing, hiking, and traveling, but also they can spend more time with their dear family, or humorous friends.

Awkward.

My father lives his life in this way.

If he is available, he prefer to organize weekend-trip with family rather than take work home, go fishing at Hong Yan Lake alone rather than continue working, and drink in a bar with best friends rather than focus on work.

you used the wordWORKtoo much. And I think you should change the wordAVAILABLE ..

frown as he works at office.

I still don't know what you meant.

" I prize my social life tha n my job" he says , "because it helps me release my job stress and makes me relaxed , more importantly, it enables me to accompany with my family and friends.

For another type of people, they value job more than social life than social life,

moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / PORT DICKSON; School holiday exprience [5]

Last month I along with my family went to Port Dickson. We had arranged a picnic at at Teluk Kemang. This place is about 12 kilometers from Port Dickson. My father drove us there in his car and we arrived there at 10 am. We managed to get a place under a large tree with shade and put our things there. The water in the sea was cool and refreshing and me and my little brother played splashing it on each other. However, the sun above us was quite uncomfortable.

Soon we heard our mom calling us to have lunch. Me and my little brother ran to her and helped ourselves with the delicious curry she had bought.Then we had several glasses of ice-cold drinks.

After lunch,we played a little more in the sea. We walked over to one of the hotels nearby and washed ourselves with clean freshwater.

When we returned,my mother packed everthing in the car. All of us got into the car and my father drove us back home to Klang, Selangor. This was a memorable journey indeed. (write something like this in the end!)

That's all!!! Aren't you supposed to write something more in your experience. I am sure there's many more things worth describing in your holiday! Or is it that, this is enough in High School?
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hey lornam where are you from?
At first thought that you were Chinese as your name has "Min" in it! Then after this thread I thought nah marching band isn't something that would be in China, Korea, Japan, Thailand participated by school students... SO this "Min" thing must be a short form of something, huh? Ain't I right?

And chocolateshoppe seems to have a nice start here! Started in the forum just some days back and already 23 posts with 2 likes!!!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Writing Feedback / the best way to raise children is to encourage them to be independent thinkers. [5]

I have learned a lot of things in my life, but perhaps the most important thing of them all is how to be a good parents .

Many people believe that successful parents who is feed their

parents are those who

Whoever

However

Due my experience with four children, I prefer that children should be taught the discipline to be successful for the following reasons.

this sentence seems awkward!

children are not mature enough to practice the bad or good activities.

it should be differentiate/distinguish between

Scientist refer that the children could be taught before their birthday .

They have noticed that newborn babies can figure out their mothers' voice.

My sons were taught a lot of the rightgood habits from their mother and me.

So they are all intelligentchildren.

For example, my sons were scheduled their day time for teachinglearning many things such as a new language , art, computer.

A lot of time and money was spent to provide them with new technology to learn different sciences.

this sentence is awkward too!

We are passing on a very materialistic era

There are many social, financial and moral problems which we faced through our life.

If we leave our children to discover it by their own, they may encounter the danger cases.

Again awkward in the ending of the sentence.

For instance, if they drive a car without any assistance, they may have an accident

I guess that's how it is written!

ed to learn, before the practice of it without assistance.

Thereby doing this they can to be a successful adult in the society.

At this way, child will be creative person where she/he will live.

Awkward!

Nonetheless, I prefer that children should be taught discipline in order to be successful because they are not mature and do not have enough experience enoughinof life.

Despite the corrections I have made, I think there's a lot to change in this essay. A lot in the writing style. You might want to write the whole piece again!
moon05   
Jan 6, 2013
Scholarship / I Am Not Fully "Korean"- Westmont Cultural Diversity Essay [5]

No randomness at all. You answered the Prompt very well. The tie between the first and the last sentence is really well...
One thing I am thinking of is should it be like this?:

If I had not the opportunity to experience unlike cultures,

did not have

Overall the essay was good.
moon05   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / importance of first impressions - knowledge gained outside school [3]

to impress on them good rehearsal

I never saw this kinda sentence. it can be right too what you have already written!to impress them with good rehearsal

Hey lornam your one's goooood! I mean at first I was like what's all this huddling about! (though I thought it might be about marching as there's already a post like this) And then it turned out to be this and clearly about marching band... The character limit is way low so I guess it's just no use of telling to write more on some specific thing.. Which you already knew!

So it's good... Nothing seems wrong to me! See if anyone else finds something...
moon05   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles; My project @ UNION [14]

Guys really sorry this is my last version.. Reached 1,082 characters.. Please help.. Deadline is getting near!!!

Robots have always interested me. Though I haven't made one yet, I have read a lot about them from the internet. In the midst of various categories of robots what have always amazed me are UAV - Unmanned Aerial Vehicles. At first what used to amaze me were only the shape and the design of UAVs. But as I steadily learned about their use in different fields, how they work, how the wings and propellers are useful, I began seeing a flight from a whole new perspective. I have been dreaming of a rhombus based design, which would allow the UAV to just stop in mid air and go towards any direction without actually turning. The idea was to initialize thrusters such that it may be used all the directions, while still producing the least of drag and aerodynamically sound. With these capabilities, a UAV will be successful in military use as then it will have very less chance of getting destroyed by enemies which could occur while taking long turns. As far as I have searched I haven't found any design like this. So, it would really be an exciting and revolutionary project indeed.

The portion of the sentence colored blue shows that it needs correction in Word.
moon05   
Jan 5, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

is your college confidential account the same as this?
Well it seems I didn't apply for RD as it greatly lowers the acceptance rate and too many applicants from Bangladesh this year going for Colorado C for RD.. So that would have been a try in vain...

I just hope that, TILL now I have applied to 16 colleges and I get in at least ONE of them... And of course with the BIG amount I need.
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles; My project @ UNION [14]

This is the second half of the essay. It now counts 1,008 characters so need to shorten it a little bit more. Please guys help, deadline is getting near day by day...

After seeing UAVs like the Blackbird I wanted to design a cool one myself and ended up thinking of a rhombus shaped design, which would allow the UAV to stop in mid air and go towards any direction without turning. With these capabilities, a UAV will be successful in military use as then it will have very less chance of getting destroyed by enemies which could occur while taking long turns. As far as I have searched I haven't found any design like this. Choosing this as a research project would be exciting for me.
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Give&take/Pay it/ Creative/ Inspirational/ Listen/Acceptance; Lilly's Top Ten List [4]

We are a society and we all inhabit one planet, earth. We will fall as a whole, butagain/and we will rise as a whole.

Either you have placed number 8 before 9 or you have written the numbers in the wrong place. Correct that for the final version.

Based offon the movie "Pay it

a young boy starts the movement that is soon reaches worldwide

our society has taken up art as a method of communication

society into a euphoria, filled with endless possibilities of happiness.

Hear out your neighbor, let them tell you about themselves.

Know about their interests and carry this behavior throughout your life and care to listen to each and every person that meets your eyes.

too many AND. Think of changing that

You use the word INHABIT too much try using something instead of that.
I would say the same thing that it doesn't seem too original. Oh and at first I thought that by top ten list it was indicating top ten colleges of your list!
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Broaden my perspectives; UGRAD Exchange Program/ Why participate? [6]

Everything was okay..
In case if you didn't know after every para use a double space.
I meant like this:
1st para

2nd para

And try to concentrate on the experience thing that's all
Oh if you found my info helpful, would you mind giving me a LIKE!!! :D
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Scholarship / New opportunities/ Affable,Multicultural Environment; Scholarship- Why UWC? [2]

First of all as the word limit is 300 words, 203 seems way less.

This will provide me with greater social and team skills.

say something else such as leadership skills.

I am confident after two years of studying at UWC I will be better able to use my skills and education to contribute to the development of UWC, Jamaica and the world.

in this sentence better doesn't seem fitting.

No offense, the last sentence is just way boring and you have already said that earlier. Try to give something new. Even if you write something awesome in the body of the essay this type of conclusion will send the reader to Neptune from the Sun! But before everything try to expand the essay more with the characteristics of the college that will help you.
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Broaden my perspectives; UGRAD Exchange Program/ Why participate? [6]

As the time passes everyone has to face with making one of the most important decisions, namely deciding what he or she wants to do in their lives.

As time passes everyone has to make one of the most important decisions ever, what he or she wants to do in their lives.

Last year I had the same hardship...

Did you intentionally gave those dots? You should not do that in the final version.

Throughout my life I have been interested in communicating with people, sharing the knowledge and introducing new, innovative ideas to the society.

"Be that as it may, the language can open new horizons for you, and you deserve it! T ry hard and take it!"

I have always known that the USA is considered as the birthplace of this profession, so I understand that the best way to improve my skills is to study in the US university under highly qualified professors, masters of their subjects.

you have to say A university not the university

I hope that participating in UGRAD exchange program, I will be able to find my strong

As far as I am concerned the chances like this, are given only to those who have shown excellent achievements in various spheres such as, educational background, communication skills, emotional persistence and life experience.

Do not useSPHERESagain. Instead you can go withFIELDS

I mean, if we are given this chance to study in a foreign university for 1 year, it means that somebody believed in us, and we have no right for a mistake.

In addition we must understand that as it is a rare opportunity, and once we acquired it, we should get the most out of this option not only to become a better person, but also to make the community in which we live, a little bit better.

will change all the badterrible circumstancessituations in the poor regions of Asia and I will help the mankind to become more wealthy, all I am trying to say I that if every person tries to think of others at least a bit, then with the strength of unity we could solve a lot more problems than one perfect person would be able to solve.

one strong union and after studying in thea US uni I

you do not write uni as a short form of University in a formal essay!

of course, will shar e the ideas and knowledge obtained there with my collea gues and classmates.

Furthermore, it is important to note that in my opinion young generation can become strong co nductor to the age when selfishness and inequality does not exist.

Which age are you talking about? Are you talking about this era?

I would like to say that I do believe that every person has its own destiny,

their

because I am really interested in this sphere and would like to continue gaining knowledge through the UGRA program.

Again the sphere word.. Change it.. And with knowledge add experience .

By the way I am from Asia too and this exchange program you talking about, is this NESA or SUSI?
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

I think you are on the right track. What you have written, a little of how you fit in UChicago also gets told in that. Let's see what kabal says.
moon05   
Jan 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

dpmg945 I forgot to tell you... Did you know that applying to the same school again icreases your chances of getting in along with more financial aid? One of my friends this year applied to Williams the second time and got in with a 46K aid. Last time he only got in the wait list! So, Lafayette and Union would still be a great option for you... you gonna miss it!!!

Which three are you going for?
What stands for M with Daniela? is there a meaning even for P and G!?
Know what I have huge complexity because of getting a scholarship, I could manage 2-3K if I had to pay that amount eventually but now I have to deal with the authorities badly if I have to pay at long last!
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

Even when I entered all my conditions to the college finder application in College Board, there were zero results.

AndThough think about it

I heard a friend talking about the University of Chicago.

Careful about this line as UChicago's full name is "The University of Chicago"

So I went home, opened a tab and typed "University of Chicago".

Really, I think YOU know that it doesn't happen like that! if you have more words then type the whole process. Like went to Google-the search engine and typed....

It was good! Which one was your first, that you are saying was so bad! All the ones I saw was very good... This was good to...
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

hey DM yeah I agree with you on the cons of ED. But I got nothing else to rely on in spite of having way good conversations with the counselors. I need to get in and all the places I have applied are all my favorite after and they seem quite equal to me. I just needed to do somewhere ED2 with an Engineering department so I went off with UNION! Lafayette was way over the head.

And I tried my best to have an interview with the counselor at Lafayette, but he said that as the admission files are on his table he is really busy and can't do it. Though he says that I am in of no disadvantage (It's if I believe him!!! :O)

What's your real name dpmg945? I have to remember you for a long time! A Lafayette and Union GOT-IN-and just couldn't go! May be we would even meet!
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles; My project @ UNION [14]

Hey lornam! yeah you helped a lot.
Though it's still 1059 characters. I have to narrow it down way more to a thousand characters.
Help guys...

Robots have always interested me. Though I haven't made one yet, I have read a lot about them from the internet. In the midst of various categories of robots what struck me and always has been thrilling are UAV - Unmanned Aerial Vehicles. At first what used to amaze me were the shape and the design of the UAVs. But as I steadily learned about their use in different fields, how the propellers work and how the wings are useful I began seeing a plane from a wholly different perspective. As a project at college I would like be immersed in one involving UAV. I have been planning a rhombus shaped design, the benefit of which will be the UAV could just stop in mid air and go backwards, left or right without turning. With these capabilities a UAV will be successful in military use. It won't have to take a long turn while it might get shoot down and loose important data, objects and most importantly the UAV itself will get destroyed. As far as I have searched I haven't found any design like this yet. So, this would be really an exciting project indeed.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'The Road Taken' - favourite poem supplement [5]

Hey zdv could you tell me more about Ullens? and Lalitpur too? I never heard of the city and recently found out that it's even a district.

Is your real name Shreya Yadav? No offense it's just I know many people with that name from India.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / UAV-Unmanned Aerial Vehicles; My project @ UNION [14]

Yeah thanks! your feedback will really help me! I don't wanna sound boring to them.

Oh and about amusing you should read some stuff about UAVs. I think I have misplaced the word!
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

Okay so Union does offer a good amount of aid. A relief there!
I am going for ED2 at Union. Hope I get one too...
This time you need a big amount as last year too? Where did you apply? all the top 50s LACs?
Where do you wanna get in most?
I wanna get in anywhere I can as I need a lot of money. Well about loans, from one way that a big thing to bother you later on but if you are desperate to get in then even that's way better.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / The Battle of Want and Should; Arch-nemesis/ Relationship [4]

I am good with The Battle of ...
the leftover, think of something cool. With the first part it already is cool. The readers will obviously get a good feeling before reading it.

Which schools essay is this?
Is Lalitpur a city or district at Nepal? And Ullens seems popular!
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'The Road Taken' - favourite poem supplement [5]

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

I would suggest you write these in Italic

" The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost.

Although I am not poetic myself and usually have a difficult time processing poetry, this is one of the poems that immediately had my attention when I first saw it

ReadorWent Through

It was in the seventh grade that I did

What did you do? did you read it or was that the first time that you took decision based on it? Be clear.

hey Shreya the titles good and when I read the last para I got amazed by what you were indicating all the time!
Good Job done.

By the way, which college's supplement is this?
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

I got it what you meant by the quotes and who were telling them, but still I felt that if it were told that who were telling them, that would be a little better. A little cause it's good as it is.

What I didn't get at all is, where this Quiditch comes from! I mean it like a bolt from the blue. Either remove it or add something before it so that there remains a transition.

Could you please help with my Union Essay?
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

Hey Kitsumi thanks for all your advice.

DM, well great to hear that you are applying with me this year again. Hope we both get in! I am applying to Union too (the one in NY).

So they offer big amount, huh? Are you applying to both of these again these year?
Yes you are right. I actually do need a lot of money, another way to say it the whole thing!
Which one offered you the most?
Are you doing ED 2 to any of these two? Where did you go for your ED?
I am applying to almost 20 colleges though the money is from a scholarship I got.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Athenaeum speaker Daniel Kahneman - Claremont McKenna supplement [2]

After seeing the thread at first I thought why didn't you give some intro for the college! But then as I scrolled down I saw that you did a wonderful work in a short space. But what I thought as a very minor thing is:

Furthermore, with a 9:1 student-to-faculty ratio, CMC will ensure my personal attention.

I think it should have beenME .

Although that's not a big thing.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / African American / Hurricane Katrina ; Eugene Lang College- I've been in minority [3]

When Hurricane Katrina hit, majority of the city was flooded forcing more than half the city to evacuate, including my family.

do not place a comma before INCLUDING

For my family Fort Smith, Arkansas was the place we evacuated to, it was a rural place that had grassy smells.

We evacuated to Fort Smith, Arkansas a rural place with grassy smell.

This was something that I had never seen or smelled when I lived in New Orleans.

When moving into my new home I had discovered that my family was one of the two Black families living on that block, discovering this made me nervous about starting school the next week.

This anxiety grew even more once I learned that my race related neighborsthe other family's only child would be attending the Senior High school across the street.

n my head this meant that I wouldn't have an ally if faced with adversity but there was no way out of it as I had to start school

When they began talking their question were very different from what I expected.

I was wrong about them, which I realized as soon as they began to ask their questions.

They asked things like, was I afraid during the hurricane and how I did get my hair so curly.

Yes you seem to be on the right path, with many grammatical issues. I hope you will give the ending with the same flow and post it again to get a review. Anyway it was nice.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteered @ Bondhushava in Bangladesh/ Right for LOVE - Lafayette C/"Cur Non"? [21]

In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. (250 Words)

Growing up in a country like Bangladesh, I always got to see the sufferings of poor and orphan children. Here people neglect them as if they were not even humans! Children, turned skinny because of hunger, beg for food to the passer bys and to get rid of the children people aren't even hesitating for a moment to kick them. I even saw my juniors and classmates getting kicked out of school just because their parents can't afford. Young orphan girls forced into prostitution is regular news. I wanted to change all these so children could get their right, LOVE.

With this aim I joined the voluntary organization called Bondhushava. Through this organization I have organized many fundraisers some to collect money, some to collect food and some to collect clothes for the winter. I have done projects to teach the orphans and the poor slum children. I have been teaching in an orphanage currently 8 hours a week. I have succeeded to enroll some of the children to my previous school with scholarship. But whatever I did has been a long journey. I never worked before so all these was new to me and very sweaty! Sometimes I even ran out of inspiration. Sometimes I was in bed for weeks because of severe pain in my body as a result of working day-night. Not turning my back when I faced all these hurdles while reaching my goal has been the most rewarding "Cur Non?" moment of my life.
moon05   
Jan 3, 2013
Undergraduate / I love marching band - meaningful contribution [4]

A drop of sweat that quickly grows and multiplies, cascading down my face, my back, my arms and legs, rendering me a sight unsuitable for society.

The band becomes your extended family...

you can extend a little more. About the Why! I mean why it became worth it! You should have said that as everyone is united and they are performing as a team, here everyone's role is really important. I guess you playing in another world compared to your team wouldn't be nice to hear! So tell that, how you are important and every single person is important, not how you are not an essential piece!

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