Undergraduate / Rummaging through Photos and falling sky; World I come from [2]

The first essay does a good job at detailing your background, but it does not discuss your dreams and aspirations enough. The essay is too much of a reflection rather than a brief recollection of the past and then a broad discussion of the future. You also had a few issues with run-on sentences. There were many sentences with just too many commas.

In the second essay, you again do a good job introducing the idea as a whole. However, you need to do a better job discussing why creativity makes you proud and how creativity relates to you as a person.

In both essays, you've answered just part of the prompt. Be sure to answer the question thoroughly. Remember, attack the prompt.

After you've revised the essays for content, we can take a closer look at some of the issues with grammar.

Undergraduate / Divorce, the seven letter word; Sophie Davis - Major domestic problem [3]



Eliminate the comma after "matters".

I like how you describe divorce in a fairly in-depth way. I think you could do better at suggesting the solution to the issue, though. You don't really mention any specific plans for solving the issue of divorce other than having a society be supportive and caring. It would be best if you outlined a few potential solutions in more detail. The introduction of the issue as well as the solution should have about the same content.

Other than the few grammar and comma issues, the essay is solid. Consider discussing the solutions in more detail. It's still a minor issue, but it's one worth addressing.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Track and Field; Extracurricular Common App Portion. [6]

The content seems fine. Here are a few grammar issues to fix.





If you fix the grammatical errors I have outlined, I think the essay will be good enough. It's not really possible to critique you that much for ideas when it's just a general application essay about an extracurricular. You've discussed an extracurricular in as much detail as possible, so there's not really anything to criticize you on.

Fix the few minor errors and your essay should be in good shape!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Canadian idol; VT Common App -Best day of my life? [6]

As creatively written as the essay might be, the only way it will stand out is in a negative way. If I were an admissions officer, I would honestly throw the essay in the trash immediately. It's not bad writing - it's just a bad topic.

The topic choice is simply too much of a risk.

Undergraduate / Canadian idol; VT Common App -Best day of my life? [6]

Do you not have any moments in your life that were better than a Justin Bieber concert? I really don't like the idea selection. Usually essays like this deal with special moments within your family or amazing accomplishments that you've had.

I think you should come up with a new idea that shows something great that happened to you or someone close to you and explain why it was very special. Come up with an idea that is a little bit deeper than your love of Justin Bieber.

Scholarship / Redefine perceptions; Case Western -Describe your solution [2]

I'm good at being harsh, but I don't need to. This essay is fairly solid. You begin the essay with an intriguing, solid attention getter. You also share background information on how you have already begun working towards achieving your goals. After that, you get into the future.

The only thing I'm unsure about is whether or not you are seeing the world "anew". I'm not sure what that term is supposed to mean. Your battery idea probably works - I'm just not sure in full at what Case Western is getting at.

Other than a few minor errors with commas, the essay is good. To find some of those comma errors, just look at each sentence and determine if it might be a little lengthy and contain too many clauses.

Also, when you use however, it is typically of this form.

He did this; however, I did this.

Semicolon and then comma.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / How most people in my country earn a living! [3]

I think you may want to detail just one or two of the biggest ways in which people in Sri Lanka make money. You provide 1 or 2 sentences about a lot of ways to make a living. I think the essay the college expects is one regarding the most common method. You should simply describe the most common method in lots of detail.

Just be more specific rather than broad and your essay will be fine.

Undergraduate / I was an international volunteer @ Jamaican Spring Break;Common App, Extracurricular [10]

A girlfriend is not an extracurricular activity - focus more than 2 sentences on the volunteer work.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

Your essay is getting better. There are a few grammatical issues we can correct, but I think you need to revise the content. You indicate in the first paragraph that you will be discussing education, job opportunities, and a more promising future, yet I don't see those three points in the paragraphs below. You need to focus on one main point in each paragraph rather than including a broad discussion of the issue.

I think you have solid ideas - you just need to structure the essay better.

After that's done, re-post the new draft and we can look for issues with grammar.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

Technically, you're right, but he has the writing skill to do such.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

I just feel like there's no use believing in something that has no proof. The notion that such and such is going to happen if one doesn't believe in a certain religion isn't really valid. No matter who is right, a majority of the world is going to end up condemned because all religions seem to feel like the other religions are not correct.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

After reading your essay, it didn't seem like you were just interpreting the same religion in a way different than you parents. It seemed as if you were taking on some sort of new religion. Knowing now that you simply possessed an alternative take on God, I can see the basis for your essay. It just wasn't immediately clear. Even with knowing that you have formulated a different perspective for seeing things, what am I supposed to take away from that? I know that things can be interpreted in different ways. While I think that open-topic essays should be unique, they should be unique in terms of idea rather than execution and content.

As far as my thoughts on religion:

I'm not really a religious person. I agree that each person should interpret things in the way they see fit. I don't really align with my parents religiously, but not in the same way as you. Religion isn't something I think about frequently - I just ignore it and embrace all the other aspects of life.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

I've been watching this debate/argument play out, and I've noticed the fact that you claim your essay is something that takes time to interpret and derive meaning from. This is opposite of what an admission's officer looks for - they want a brief essay that gets straight to the point. I don't see a thesis statement that explains some sort of argument you have - I just see a personal story about a religious struggle. I also found it difficult to grasp that you disliked your parents' choice of church, yet you found refuge in another church.. Or was it just an internal dialogue, like your essay appears to portray it?

I think you have a good idea or argument, but it is hidden within metaphors and complex wording. After reading the essay several times, I am still left with questions. How was the "God" you reference different than the one referenced in your parents' church? What point are you trying to make?

The question that you introduce your essay with also throws off the reader - we don't see a discussion of religions throughout the world; rather, we see a difficult to interpret essay.

I personally would like to see an essay that is concise and direct, therefore allowing the ideas to come through. All the metaphors and fancy language in the world cannot make up for a lack of a thesis and a direct conclusion. Sometimes it's best to just say it rather than skirting the edge of the point before arriving at it.

Readers don't want an essay that is packaged as a complex mystery requiring solving - they want an essay that strongly supports some sort of clearly introduced idea.

Maybe only I hold these beliefs. Maybe the majority of the population would relish an essay like this. Whatever the consensus may be, I still retain my opinion. I don't believe the essay you meticulously crafted to be very valuable to the population as a whole. Just because something means a lot to you doesn't mean it will mean a lot to others.

I still hope you get accepted to Harvard. You seem to have an interesting perspective that could benefit their community; however, I'm not sure if that essay was the best means of showcasing that.

Scholarship / Bachelor's Degree and becoming a prosecutor; Scholarship Essay/ Short&Long TERM GOALS [4]

Mostly good.


Say should be changed to "says".


Either capitalize all of these or make them all lowercase.

The essay finally gives a good picture about all of the goals you have. Good work! This is what happens when you embrace the writing process over time.

Undergraduate / Distinctive Impression; Personal Statement for Illinois MBA program [3]

Thorough description of the prompt. I think you could talk more specifically as to why you need a business degree for consulting, but other than that, your content was good.

You should probably do some research on capitalization - too many nouns were capitalized. Only capitalize proper, specific nouns.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My own little interesting world; Georgetown Self Description Essay [3]

I don't like how the whole thing was essentially a narrative. I didn't really get to know you. It was hard to avoid being bored while listening to random pieces of information presented in a way similar to this:

I did this, which was this, and it was cool, but it was interesting, and so on. Point being, you have far too many commas and run on sentences.

The essay didn't really engage me - your narrative didn't tell me much about you. It's also hard to enjoy an essay when I'm not engaged in it from the start.

To make this better, I think you should focus less on the narrative aspect and more on an essay that describes you and your life goals.

Good luck!

Scholarship / Medical care for those live in third-world ; Contribution to diversity [3]


Spelling error.

This essay is for the most part off topic. You don't discuss the diversity that you can provide - you discuss diversity in general as well as your participation on a chess team. That isn't diversity - that's just you taking part in a situation in which gender is unbalanced.

You need to rewrite your essay in order to talk specifically about yourself instead of about diversity in general. Provide specific, relevant examples - examples better than your story regarding chess.

Side note - you don't have to say "University of ..." because anyone can see your real name anyway when they mouse over your screen name. Sometimes, the name of the university can help us to help you - perhaps someone has experience with a college in particular.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Czech descent; Common App - Intercultural/Creative Opportunity [2]

Content wise, essays B-D are fine. You seem to disregard the prompt for response A. I don't see a creative or intellectual opportunity during high school within Czech culture. As great as your ancestry might be, your response is simply off-topic. Re-write that essay.

Honestly, the essay prompts don't seem to be anything that a college could use to get substantial information about you. I wouldn't be too worried about the supposed perfection of the responses - they shouldn't be worth that much. In any case, you should still get on topic for response A.

Because of the open-ended, informal nature of the essay prompts, there is not much criticism to provide.

Good luck.

Scholarship / Bachelor's Degree and becoming a prosecutor; Scholarship Essay/ Short&Long TERM GOALS [4]


Use a dash and lowercase "it".


Course should be plural.


Eliminate the commas.


Eliminate the comma.


This sentence doesn't fit or work.


I made "criminal" posessive and I rephrased some of your sentence. I don't think law is anything like a sodoku puzzle, so eliminate that sentence. If you want, you can make a new ending sentence, but you don't have to.

Aside from those errors, your grammar is fine. You've done a much better job in answering the prompt this time than the first.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Anywhere Is"- Enya's music products; Smith Supp -Theme Song [7]

Say it in the essay then.

Undergraduate / "Anywhere Is"- Enya's music products; Smith Supp -Theme Song [7]

It's alright. The prompt makes it difficult to help content wise without a song suggestion. While you have a solid argument, I'm not sure if that's what it means in the context of the song. And the prompt talks about a representation of you, and you haven't answered that.

Think about who you are and find a song to match. Or at least think of who you are and we can help think of a good song. I know quite a few.

Undergraduate / Mully's Children's Family,Kenyan ophanage;Western Ivey League(Engineering)-Uniqueness [2]

You've talked about unique things you've done, but what are some personality traits, interests, or perspectives that you have that are unique? You have a very short essay so far and most of it is a story on Africa. When you are limited to 250 words, you will need to omit the length that stories bring - talk only about each unique interest, perspective, and life experience. Answer the prompt completely.

Good luck.

Letters / 'Maybe a Skype interview' - Erasmus Mundus Motivation Letter [2]

Don't capitalize every noun like "marketing" or "business". You only need to capitalize proper nouns, not general nouns.

This was a decent letter - I'm not sure what the requirements are. It was somewhat hard to follow your ideas, but not too much.

I'm not sure whether you'd want to talk more about yourself as a person or your accomplishments. I don't really have experience when it comes to transfer letters.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Developing friendships and leaderships -Reason for transferring, objective to achieve [3]

This essay makes it sound like you need excellent students around you in order for you to be an excellent student and person. I don't think you'd want to admit something like that. It shouldn't matter what other people are doing, it's about what YOU do and what you make out of it.

I can't tell you why else you'd want to transfer, but I think you need a better reason than this. You need some organization too - that essay was just a paragraph of random ideas.

Good luck. I'll be glad to further help if you post any revisions.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

Yeah, I don't see an application for your previous essay. That's okay though - writing takes time.

I'm not sure how I can help you with essay A because I don't know any people who have impacted you, but I agree with your idea regarding topic C. I think you could address the difficulties of learning a language - especially when you have to apply it constantly rather than just selectively like I do when i take Spanish classes at school. For the last essay you'll probably want to have a theme regarding how, even with your language difficulties, you still have an unwavering desire to succeed and make an impact.

For Topic B, remember that it would probably be best to discuss both advantages of opportunity in the United States as well as disadvantages elsewhere. Apply each one of your points to both of the two countries. At the end of the essay, you might want to include a paragraph about what you can do to help in parts of the world other than the United States in order to extend all the opportunity that you have had (in relation to your 3 points) to the people of those foreign countries.

Post your next draft(s) when you're finished. It might be tomorrow until I see the next one, but I'll be around for awhile here.

Regarding your question on how I am able to come up with all of this advice -

I'm not sure really. People have told me I'm good at writing over the past few years, but I think my ability to help stems more from my unique perspective on life. The most common piece of advice I offer is to attack the prompt and provide some sort of unique experience that shows preparation and initiative. Those pieces of advice are directly related to what I think defines a successful person. We need more people in the world that are willing to take it upon themselves, not others, in order to do what they want to achieve. We need people that don't boast about academic accomplishments; we need people that apply their skills to bettering both their life and the lives of others.

It looks like I'm taking care of the "better the lives of others" part of my life plan. I'll improve upon my on life when I own a business later on.

Over the past few weeks I've decided to take initiative. I'll be applying to college in two years or so, so I needed to show what I've been doing. I enjoy politics and economics, so I started a blog on it. I am not only able to write but I am also able to help with writing, so I came here.

Sometimes it's best to think of every action as part of a greater, better plan.

It's great that you're continually improving upon your work and making the effort to take feedback and implement it into a spectacular essay. Again, good luck.. You don't need it though because you have dedication and hard work.

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

This reminds me far too much of myself. I've done the same thing, just on a different game.

I think we can both attest to the fact that so much of the market is emotion (or maybe just I can). The stock market is hardly about finding some financially sound company - it's about predicting panic before it happens.

Anyway, I think your essay is decent enough. Unfortunately, so many people vilify the individuals on Wall Street. I think some colleges may deny you this fact. People don't like individuals who display greed (you were wealthy after 5 years on maplestory), and for some reason they don't like the stock market. However, I think some college might see potential and accept you.. except that hardly any colleges value economics in the sense of making money - too much of it is just useless global trends.

If you do get rejected, don't worry. You can always live a successful life without a prominent college experience. Then you can go back to all your friends and brag to them about how you did it.

Life success is hardly determined by education - it's determined by intelligence, proper hard work, and initiative. If you set out to do something with an unwavering mindset, you WILL do it. You should explore more opportunities - perhaps you could get in contact with investment groups.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

I remember reading your short answer questions. You seemed to communicate an appreciation for your opportunities in America as well as the effort that your parents are putting in towards bettering both your and their lives - regardless of all the excuses and setbacks they have to not put forth effort.

I think it would be great if you talked about how important opportunity is for you and your family. You could communicate that, when given a chance, you and your family can achieve great things.

You could potentially compare opportunity in the United States versus your previous country and express how grateful you are for the chance and how critical it is to your life plan.

You could say something like this:

My entire life, I have desired to achieve (this, this and this); however, the situation in (location) prevented me from doing so. My family's move to the United States gave me opportunity - I would be able to achieve (this, this, and this).

I think an essay similar to the one above would be better. You would talk about an important social issue - the issue of opportunity and how it compares in various locations, as well as how it is so important in terms of what you plan to achieve - these achievements could be related to you, family, and friends (or something else).

What do you think of this plan? If you like it, what three things do you think the opportunity that the United States provides would best help you with?

Undergraduate / UK PERSONAL STATEMENT BIOMEDICAL SCIENCES (Ethiopia tutoring and other countries) [6]


Comma is necessary.


My revision provides clarity.


DELETE the comma.


You sure? It's only thousands of miles away.


should be "relentlessly pursue" - an adverb describes a verb.

Overall comments - I'm proud to say that this essay is MUCH better than the original one I saw a few days ago! You connected each of your stories to your life plan of helping others. I see that you take initiative. I see that you've had experiences that benefit you. The fact that you've had so much experience in Africa is amazing. If I was involved in a university, I would love to have you on my research team. You will bring a whole different perspective to a team. Most of all, you take action. I like to see people who take action rather than boasting about their academic achievements. Life is much more than the small educational world that we briefly live in. I see that you have perspective beyond that small world. While you could still expand upon your plan itself, I think you've solidified your essay to display a constructive plan as well as some of the tools you need to achieve it. The writing is brief but not too brief - it's like a message to the university, subtly commanding them to take you in.

I hope they see it the same way I do. If you get any feedback from your counselor after he or she sees it, I will be glad to address any concerns that are brought up.

Good luck! It's good to see you embracing the writing process.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

2/5 - The essay has several grammatical errors and it is just generally off topic - it's not "bad", but it doesn't fit the question they asked of you.

The prompt requests you write about an issue of importance to you. You seem to be discussing how your learned what proper priorities are in life - I'm not sure if that's what you should be mentioning, keeping the prompt in mind.

If you have plenty of time, I think you should rewrite this essay. You need to focus on crafting an essay that specifically addresses what the prompt asks. Colleges generally prefer to see students follow directions rather than oppose them.

Here's what you should think about in order to get a new topic:

What do you value the most? What have you done in your life that proves your commitment to the issue?

Generally, an essay response to this topic will talk about something highly personal or controversial. The admission officers want to see your take on something and what you are doing about it.

If you can get back to me with a list of what you feel is important and valuable in life, we can work together to craft an effective essay. Because you mentioned that you believe the main theme of your essay is the bad that can be caused by money, I don't think that fits the prompt because it doesn't seem like a positive thing you'd value.

Good luck with the revisions - I hope you choose to consider some other ideas! The community is always willing to help.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for College about an educational dilemma that I have encountered [3]

Educational dilemma or not, you have written an essay that clearly communicates who you are and how you've developed over time. I like adaptable people who are able to do that. Often times essays about education involve issues over grading our advanced classes, but you showcased a true problem. You've talked about the whole experience and what you've done to make it better - that's great. Action is better than inaction.

Good luck with the application! If you are considered about the essay fitting the prompt, please post the prompt on this thread.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

It's just difficult for me to determine what it is in particular with religion that you are righting. I'm not sure if this is a battle between multiple religions or issues within just one.

To me, it seems like you embraced not only a friend but also some sort of religion and that has helped you grow as a person.

It would help if you specified what religion(s) instead of leaving it open-ended. I don't like having to guess as a reader, and that makes it difficult to understand what you're getting at. You have some very well crafted sentences, but I think you could do better with balancing sentence length and complexity.

You also have a fairly unique idea when it comes to an essay - it's just a bit hard for me to visualize. I'm probably totally wrong.

Anyway, my opinion doesn't really count - you'll have to see what admissions tells you.

Writing Feedback / What are some causes of stress among young people and How could this be ameliorated? [7]

You need to work a bit harder to create a better essay. If you do not have a length requirement, this should definitely be longer. Explain the issue more, suggest solutions, and eliminate the many spelling errors that you have. This can be done with the post feature on this forum or with any word processor.

Good luck! I hope to see the next draft you have when you write it.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

If you didn't use a thesaurus or dictionary to come up with some of the words in this essay I will be amazed. While the sentences sound nice and fancy, I'm not sure what this piece of writing is getting at. It seems to promote freedom of religion, but I can't follow a definitive plan or structure as you prove a point.

I'm not sure what Harvard will think, but I didn't really gain anything from this essay. I don't think it will hurt you, but I don't see it helping you either.

Nevertheless, good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Commercial whaling; Texas - Issue of Importance [2]

Decent essay. Eliminate the irrelevant dolphin example.

The promt asks for an issue that's important to you, you family, etc. You explain the importance of whales to the ecosystem, not you. Pick a topic that greatly affects you, or explain the whale example better.

You seem like a good writer - just ATTACK the prompt :)

Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]

Excellent! If you submit an essay free of errors, you should be in great shape.

Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]

Honestly it's too late to drastically change the content of your essay, but we can fix a few issues with grammar.


Delete cohesively - it's just not a word that works well in this situation. You can either say "promoting growth" or "promoting a growth in confidence"


Ululating is a fast-paced, war-like cry - emanating is a better word here.

You have written a good essay, but I fear it's just not related enough to the prompt. You can make this essay so much better by simply including an introduction similar to this:

"I did not believe I was a role model. I had always looked up to others, constantly deferring leadership. Until I interacted with other students in a school program, I was unable to realize my potential as a brilliant leader. The experience with the students enlightened me - through them, I was able to better myself while bettering someone else."

It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but it should be similar to it. By saying something like this you clearly answer the prompt - you show how an event changed your mind about something. I'm not sure if acquiring a personality trait counts as changing your mind, but what can you do about it now?

Ignore anything behind this line if you are crunched for time!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you had more time I would try an essay that reflected a structure similar to what I am going to make up on the spot right now:

In 2010, an issue regarding collective bargaining divided the state of Wisconsin. My thoughts on this event defined the set of first political beliefs that I possessed. However, after realizing the rashness of my decision - my inability to analyze ALL issues rather than just one, I have converted my political beliefs. Watching youtube videos over the summer about paul ryan led me to this change. I always thought my beliefs were in line with the Democrats simply because of one issue, but by opening my mind up to other ideas, I was able to realize that, overall, I agree with them more than I do the Democrats.

That's just a way I think the prompt should be approached. If you see it again, take an approach like this.

Define something that matters to you: In my case - politics

Define the initial stance that you took: In my case - siding with democrats

Define the stance you took after an event - In my case - becoming a libertarian

Provide examples of what prompted this change - In my case - watching videos of the other side

What was wrong with the way you made the decision the first time? - in my case -jumping to conclusions too fast.

You'll just have to work with the essay you have - It's good enough that the admissions department may not care that the prompt was left unaddressed - it does fill us in on who you are as a person.

Good luck, and pardon my overload of information.

Scholarship / Too many females; COMMON APP/Situation that I was unfairly treated [2]

You have a good start - you've set up a good story to explain a fair situation. However, I think you can address the other parts of the prompt much better than you currently have.

Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response?

Be sure toattack this part of the prompt.

While you have a few grammatical errors, those are hardly important when you have failed to thoroughly address the prompt. Be sure to do that, re-post your essay, and we can go from there.

General rules that might help you:

Take a look at how to punctuate and incorporate quotes within writing. Typically you hit enter after a quote by one person before quoting another or engaging in narrative comment.

Make sure you write in active voice. This means that the subject should do the action, not receive it. To identify the weaker, passive voice, look for forms of "to be" followed by a past tense verb. See if you can rephrase situations like that.

Make sure to only capitalize proper nouns. General nouns, like building, should not be capitalized.

Good luck with your essay! You have a solid start - just be sure to attack the prompt.

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Random Comments:

Remember to "like" helpful posts (regardless of whether not you are receiving the help).

My political and economic writing can be found at teenagelibertarian.blogspot

Undergraduate / Constraints/ Help family/ People skills; COMMON APP - Financing/ Major/ Life goals [5]

Perhaps you could say "my mother spends her days working to mold our house into a home - a place where our family can come together and enjoy life". It may be a little wordy, but it does convey what your mother is attempting to do.

Writing can often be tough while attempting to adapt to an entirely new culture, especially that of America. Just do your best to be sincere with your questions. Perhaps you could arrange an in-person interview to better convey that sincerity.

Again, best of luck. It'd be great if you end up owning a business someday - we need more of them (the reasoning is complicated).

Undergraduate / Constraints/ Help family/ People skills; COMMON APP - Financing/ Major/ Life goals [5]


Comments on first short answer: I added "financially speaking" so it becomes clear that you are alone in terms of money - not in terms of emotional support. The addition of "paying for" also helped with that issue. I deleted "our house and" because "the bills" is sufficient enough to show financial struggle. What do you mean when you say your mother is building a home? Is she physically creating its walls? I eliminated a comma after "ago" and I changed the clause regarding you and your mother to "my mother and I" because that is the proper order. I eliminated the last two sentences and wrote a clearer sentence for you.


Before we go any further with grammatical corrections, you need to come up with more content. Your current responses are not sufficient, especially when it comes to your future educational plans. You should probably fill up the maximum allotted writing amount (character lines). Why do you want a doctoral degree? Besides it being highly prestigious, what about it will help you in life? Do you have any specific life goals that you can elaborate upon? Right now you have many brief goals. What kind of company would you own?

You have a good start content wise, but you would be better off if you brainstormed more content. I have corrected all the grammatical errors I've seen, but you should have someone review your final short answers again after you revise them.

Good luck!

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My political and economic writing can be found at teenagelibertarian.blogspot.

Scholarship / "Words to Remember"; Scholarship Essay - The Best Advice [4]

While the route you took is perfectly acceptable, I would like to see you include a bit more detail. How have you used the advice during your life (be more specific), and how are you planning to use it in a future career/endeavor.

The essay prompt is fairly difficult to answer with the piece of advice you are referencing. It's so specific that it only has one application - politics. If you can think of a more general piece of advice that can help you no matter what you are pursuing, I would suggest discussing it. If not, it is fine to continue with the existing advice that you are working with.

Looking at your title again, I see your essay is used as part of a scholarship application of sorts. I think in order to win a scholarship, you will need to come up with an alternative piece of advice. People giving out scholarships tend to have different motives than universities - perhaps they will take the advice learned by the scholarship winners and publish it for profit.

It would be best if you come up with an alternative, more powerful and generic idea.

Good luck with your essay!