Undergraduate / SCARY MOVIES; What is your most frightened experience? - college essay [13]

Greetings!

Often, the best way to make your essay more interesting and really grab the reader from the very first sentence is to start in the middle of the action. You could begin with a description of the bus crash and then back up a bit, and tell how you came to be there: "Falling, I was falling, just seconds from crashing through the glass window of the school bus as it lurched to one side. When I got up on that ordinary morning, I was just another 13-year-old heading to school, but a short time later, my life changed forever."

That's a rather short version of how you could do it; you might want to put in more detail, but I think you will see what I mean. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Thesis statements on global warming? [26]

Greetings!

Fortunately, the topic of global warming has been written about at length, so finding sources won't be a problem. But, as you have discovered, it is a double-edged sword, as there can be too much information to handle easily. There are plenty of ways to whittle it down. You could focus on the evolution of opinion about the existence of global warming in the U.S., from "it's a bunch of tree-hugger nonsense" to "we have to do something about this right now!"; you could explore whether other countries, particularly those of the European Union, have had a better response to the issue than the U.S.; you could write about global warming's economic effect so far, if it has indeed been responsible for the disturbed weather patterns giving rise to the devastating tsunami or to hurricane Katrina, or the wildfires raging through southern California; or, you could write about the future: what steps will help? is it already too late? if not, when will it be, and what would the impact on the world as a whole actually be?

I hope these ideas can help get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Influence of Manifest Destiny upon James K Polk [2]

Greetings!

Perhaps you could start by examining the origins of Manifest Destiny: where the concept came from, what policies were influenced by it, whether it was an overall healthy policy for the nation to follow. You could also perhaps expand a little on the war with Mexico, not only the influence of Manifest Destiny but any other influences which came into play, and what the ultimate effect of the war on our country was. Be sure to establish your thesis up front, and don't go too far off track, but when talking about historical events, a little background can be a good thing (not to mention a space-filler!). :-)

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / New Deal Programs, How it Changed American Life - Essay Critique [5]

Greetings!

In that case, you will need to cite the PBS website, using whatever citation form your instructor requires. Otherwise, using the quote without crediting its source is plagiarism.

Yes, I meant don't put the quote at the end in caps--or was it in caps in the original? That would be unusual, but if that's how it was, you should probably leave it that way. One generally quotes the original exactly as it was. You should also cite your source for this quote.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The theme of Linda Pastan's poem "Ethics" - Literature Essay Help [6]

Greetings!

What "techniques" have you discussed in class? You might want to make a list of them and then see if you can find specific examples of those techniques in the poem. For instance, does she use metaphor? If so, how? You probably won't have to completely rewrite it, but if he feels there is too much summary, you will at least have to add to it.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / CYCLING; UFlorida- Meaningful Experience [3]

Greetings!

Eureka! (That's Greek for "I have found it!"). It's a great paragraph--but the sentences are in the wrong order! Begin the paragraph with "The thought of losing a loved one had never crossed my mind until December 16, 2006. At that moment in time, I thought my world was about to end. My father is a full time parts manager ..."

See if that doesn't kick it into gear for you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SCARY MOVIES; What is your most frightened experience? - college essay [13]

Greetings!

Your essay about this horrendous experience is very strong and compelling! Although you are still learning the language, your meaning comes through very well. I edited it for you to help with the grammar:

Three years ago, I was a person too optimistic and naïve to be afraid; I experienced fear only when watching a scary movie. My life throughout the first 13 years was simple and happily led. The only fear in my life was in June 2004, when I endured a macabre school bus accident that nearly destroyed my entirety. Within the moment of struggling between life and death, I found out I was no longer naïve and optimistic, but a thoughtful and strong-willed warrior fighting for survival every second.

SEE ABOVE FOR THE NEXT PART

Writing Feedback / "Cry the Beloved Country" - Essay due tomorrow [3]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are a couple of editing tips:

Cry Freedom, directed by Richard Attenborough

Also, the law would persecute [or prosecute] anyone who used Biko's words.

The only other suggestion I would make is that you change your last sentence. You have been discussing the importance of honor in those two works (and you really need to make it clearer which characters are from which work; you only point that out with the second one). Your last sentence suddenly broadens the scope to honor in "every society"--which is a bit beyond the scope of your paper.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / New Deal Programs, How it Changed American Life - Essay Critique [5]

Greetings!

You've written an interesting and informative essay! I really like the quote at the end. I've just tweaked the punctuation a little; and, of course, don't put it in caps. Here are some more suggestions:

Out of the New Deal, there would be (or "were" or "came" instead of "would be") dozen of programs

Of them all, The Works Progress Administration (WPA) would become the largest and most accomplished of the New Deal programs.

"Hopkins believed. 'Give a man a dole,' he observed, 'and you save his body and destroy his spirit. Give him a job and you save both body and spirit'." - Is this a quote within a quote? If so, what is the source you are quoting from? If not, you only need to put Hopkins's words in quotation marks, not Hopkins believed (and follow that with a comma, not a period).

800 airport improvements.

These 8.5 million men and women were able to feed, shelter, and clothe their families.

Labor workers were not the only ones to be employed; artists and artisans were also hired to produce works of art and crafts.

Women were also employed, although it was a meager amount compared to the men.

Ellen Woodward [delete ,] directed the women's division of the WPA and successfully pushed for their acceptance in the Professional Projects Divisions, which helped further the equality of females in the professional atmosphere.

It helped establish Roosevelt as one of the great American presidents. A poem sent to Roosevelt in 1936 said it best: "I THINK THAT WE SHALL NEVER SEE / A PRESIDENT LIKE UNTO THEE . . . POEMS ARE MADE BY FOOLS LIKE ME, / BUT GOD, I THINK, MADE FRANKLIN D."

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My extremely successful business - Imagine you just completed your BIOGRAPHY [2]

Greetings!

I think you're doing a great job! It's interesting and makes me want to know more about what's going to happen--which is pretty much the definition of a good story! My suggestion would be that you continue telling the story: what happened after you signed the MOU? (I'm afraid I have no idea what that is.) It would be neat if signing the MOU led to something wonderful and exciting which gave you back your thrill to achieve. And remember, this is only page 217, so you can stop right in the middle of the action and leave your reader hanging!

Here are some editing suggestions for what you have written so far:

when my company was in its teething stages.

I remember feeling tremendously relieved that day; I could finally partly repay these people

I remember very clearly a rush of nostalgia [delete had] hit me and I was transported back in time: - Using the past perfect tense (had hit) or past perfect progressive (had been transported) makes your writing awkward; try to cut back on using that tense so much, to make your writing more "in the moment."

Fiercely independent, I had never relished

Also, being the eldest child not only in the house but also in my extended family, I had donned the mantle

However, my extremely successful business had now somewhat lost its thrill.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Consoles - comparing and contrasting essay [2]

Greetings!

It's a good essay, it just needs a little polishing! One thing you need to watch is subject/verb agreement (PlayStation has, not have). Also, I believe PlayStation has a capital "S". I'll let you go through and change all those. ;-)

Both struggle for [delete the] dominance in the gaming industry.

The similarities end here.

Cell, which was developed by Sony, Toshiba, IBM, also helps to differientiate the Playstation from Xbox 360. - This sentence does not make sense to me; did Sony, Toshiba and IBM all develop "Cell," whatever that is?

The Playstation 3 has a 2.5 removable hard drive

The Playstation also has a HDMI ports.

Both the Playstation and Xbox aim to be the living room media center. You have said this already.

Sony has 6 USB 2.0 ports.

The Xbox has zero HDMI port - Is it a zero HDMI port, or are you saying it does not have any, i.e., "has zero ports"?

Xbox Lives has [delete well] matured into a feature-filled service.

Microsoft Xbox 360 only has three USB ports. Although [delete ,] Wi-Fi is integrated, a separate purchase of an adapter is necessary.

Gamers today have a difficult choice between these two consoles, [not ;] although, for the price tag, the Playstation 3 is well worth the money.

Short sentences are not necessarily bad. In fact, it's a good idea to vary sentence length. I didn't find this too choppy.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Mathew & my family; University of Miami - Most significant person [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

We met in the middle of our sophomore year, February 2006, [add comma] and our friendship has bloomed

What I admire most about Matthew are his passionate family values.

but family will always be there by your side, [not ;] through the good and bad times.

Before I [delete had] met Matthew, my views on family were completely different.

all day with my friends, [not ;] hardly spending anytime with my family.

I would always defend myself and say, "no, I don't," although, deep inside, I knew I did and I had no way of showing my parents that I was extremely sorry for my ignorance. - I don't think "ignorance" is the right word here; you just said that you "knew" so you were not ignorant. You could say selfishness, stubbornness, or any of a number of other things.

The family gatherings, the bonds that form between aunts and uncles and between cousins and grandparents: [not ;]he showed me all. - A semicolon must divide two independent clauses (sentences). You have a tendency to use them between an incomplete sentence and a complete one. Here, you could use a period instead of a colon, or even an emdash (--).

I know I can never make up for the lost time,

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / The theme of Linda Pastan's poem "Ethics" - Literature Essay Help [6]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job with the essay and with answering the question! I have just a few editing tips for you:

A poem's theme is its foundation; it is what everything else is built on. Merriam Webster Online Dictionary - It's best to avoid using contractions in formal writing. You have some others, too, (e.g., "would've") that you should expand into two words.

the meaning of ethics occurs over time

Pastan's question shows that at a young age she truly did not understand what ethics meant.

Pastan realizes that a child would choose to save an old woman rather than a painting because the child feels that it is, morally, the right thing to do. - When your subject, "child," is singular, you cannot then refer to that subject as "they," which is plural.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / need an opening sentence (not thesis) [4]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help you with some editing suggestions!

Ideals and customs [ delete ,] are important in all cultures, but specific values differ from culture to culture. Values can be productive, like cleanliness and education, or harmful like crime and cruelty. One quality valued by many is honor. A person who has honor [delete "in his or herself"] will always stand for what he or she believes in.

One may believe that Stephen Kumalo, Stephen Biko, and Donald Woods are the three characters that best demonstrate honor. - I don't think "may" is right here. You can just leave out that whole phrase "One may believe that" and start with the name of the first person. There is no need to qualify it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Eng 102 Academic Paper....desperately in need of help [2]

Greetings!

Fortunately, you've got loads of time left! With pretty much all the information you could need being available online, the time it takes to research any topic has been greatly reduced. My suggestion is that you choose a topic which a) interests you (you'll have to live with it for a few weeks, so you might as well not hate it) and b) is easy to find information on. If this is for an English class and you can choose absolutely any topic at all, that can be a bit overwhelming, because there are so many choices. But think about your likes and dislikes. For example, if you like to watch music videos, maybe you could write about the effect of violent language in popular music and whether it has a lasting impact on adolescents. Or you could focus on the history, and rise to popularity of a particular artist (it would need to be someone very famous to find enough information). Maybe you are a chocoholic; you could write about the history of chocolate!

Any subject which has either been around a long time (like chocolate) or is controversial (like the overprescribing of Attention Deficit Disorder drugs) should have loads of articles and books available that you can use as sources. That's the key, really: make it easy on yourself by choosing something that is not so obscure that you can't find out about it.

I hope this helps get you started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My Summer 2007 internship with Senator Schumer - admission essay [4]

Greetings!

I don't think your quotation is awkward; I would have said "attention-grabbing"! As far as the last paragraph goes, I have found that it is always possible to shorten an essay; you just have to willing to "murder your darlings" as Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch suggested. For example, a sentence like "While this process may seem monotonous to some, to me it really wasn't." could easily be eliminated without any ill effect. There are probably more hiding in there which could be excised, freeing up space for something more important--like telling the University of Miami why they're not just like every other school you could go to! :-)

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Humanities summarizing paper [4]

Greetings!

We try to answer all posts within 24 hours, but can't guarantee sooner, sorry! I hope some comments will still be helpful to you.

When you say "construction work was accomplished by monks and under Romanesque's instruction" you make it sound as if "Romanesque" was a person. It was a style of art and architecture, not a person or group of people, so when you say "they" it is not clear to whom you are referring.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Polarization causes violence & remedy is compromise; FREE CHOICE [3]

Greetings!

I don't think your opening is "awful" at all! The first sentence needed a bit of work and I made a few other changes; see what you think:

Political ideas seem to find their greatest success by destroying or alienating the wants and needs of all who hold opposing viewpoints. This process is polarization, and is the source of discrimination and genocide. In such a situation, the choices are limited; with little acceptance for the indecisive or neutral, groups of differing opinions oppose each other, until the initial goal, to help people, is lost, replaced by the desire to defeat everyone and every group that does not agree. Each side segregates itself from the others, building walls of conviction. Supported by these walls, each respective side is necessarily right and the other necessarily evil, buttressed so strongly by its conviction that the supporters of one side would kill supporters of the other for the ostensible betterment of the world. This blindness to foreign ideals is the essential nature of xenophobia, the fear of foreigners--in essence, the fear of people who are different.

As for the second one, what about a piece of music that inspires you, or a particular author whose works transport you when you read them? Describing something like that would minimize the amount of space you'd have to spend talking about yourself. Tell briefly about its effect on you and the "why" of that will be describing the music, book, art, etc., which will take up most of the 250 words. Give it a try!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / question about UC ; Describe the world you come from [11]

Greetings!

I think that would be an excellent topic to write about! This is especially true if your brother's heart problems had a significant impact on choices you have made about your future. The advantage of a topic like this is that it can be very compelling for the reader. It is not necessary to describe in excruciating detail what emotional effect this situation had on you; just touch on your reactions and feelings, and show how you responded, your thoughts and actions.

I'd be happy to have a look at it when you have a rough draft and give you some tips!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "A place for You" - ENGLISH 101 Personal essay help [2]

Greetings!

Your essay is strong and compelling--very creatively written! I have just a few editing tips:

you, [not ; ]like a child running to his mother as if he has done something wrong. - You can only use a semicolon between two complete clauses. Your second phrase cannot stand alone, so you must use a comma instead, between them.

The pain and sorrow I feel living with a life-threatening illness that could swallow me up at any given moment. - This is a sentence fragment. The pain and sorrow do what? or are what?

I don't know how exactly, or why my heart is as black as night; it's one of those enigmas I must find an answer to.

I know finally; however, the meanness of my own spirit--this I can find. - "I know, [add comma] finally" does not really make sense to me. You just said you don't know and must find an answer.

Her complexion is crisp and clear as the morning sun.

Her long white dress [delete "in which she wears" - it is ungrammatical and also unnecessary, as it is apparent that she is wearing the dress] falls to the ground like a waterfall off [delete "to"] the side of a canyon.

My life is like an unmarked crossroad, - I like this simile! :-)

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "The people we admire most shape who we become" - analogy essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you're selling yourself short--it's very good so far! The painting metaphor is a good one, and you express yourself creatively. If you're not sure where to go from here, I can make a couple of suggestions.

Unless your teacher specifically told you not to, you might consider talking about a particular person in your own life who has shaped you. This would give you an opportunity to demonstrate, through specific examples, just how that shaping takes place. Have you figured out yet what you want to do with your life, career-wise, and if so, did someone help you make that choice? Or do you play a musical instrument because a particular teacher or performer inspired you to?

If you prefer not to focus on yourself, perhaps you know of someone else, either personally, or through books, television or movies, who had a particularly strong influence in his or her life. I think it's usually easier to write about specific examples than general concepts; that's why I'm suggesting you go that direction.

The strongest piece of advice I can give you is to trust your instincts. You have your own unique writing style and it serves you well. Trust in your own excellence and let the words flow!

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Thesis Statement Re: Early Mortality of Rock Stars [10]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job of sketching out your essay. The only thing I might suggest is not to go into too much detail before you get to the thesis statement. Did your instructor advise you to "set up" the thesis, rather than lead with it? If not, you could just switch the introductory paragraph with the thesis. It just seems to me that quoting specific lyrics from specific songs belongs after the thesis, rather than before it.

Aside from that, I don't really have any other critiques at this point because you're doing so well. Just keep an eye out for typos or missing words. I didn't try to correct them because you're not finished yet.

Keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My Summer 2007 internship with Senator Schumer - admission essay [4]

Greetings!

It sounds like you've had an experience that should make you stand out from other applicants! I have just a few editing suggestions:

I was that young man and I was apart of living history. - "apart" means "not a part of"; you want to say "a part" (so that you will stand apart from others! :-))

I decided that this was an offer I could not refute. - "refute" means to prove erroneous; you mean "refuse."

I truly wanted to assist these people in anyway that I could, - say "any way"

Here are some phrases you could eliminate to shorten the essay:

As the news media broadcasted the Senator's public statement live, Americans watched history taking place through their television screens.

I wanted to gain something out of it. -

I'm glad to say that I all-in-all, I did well. - This is awkward, and not a very strong statement of how well you did.

I think your last paragraph could be a little more specific about why you chose that particular school; you could say the exact same thing about any number of schools. What programs does this one have that make it right for you, and you right for them?

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / New Imperialism in Asia and Africa [2]

Greetings!

As usual, another well-written and thought-provoking essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

Although we will never be in a position to be absolutely certain to know whether economic causes were at the origin of the nineteenth-century New Imperialism, evidence suggests that the need for natural resources, desire to expand markets, wish to realize new investments, and search for uninhabited territories for growing populations were the underlying reasons of what should be considered [delete "as"] the New Economic imperialism.

Consequently, the production of that equipment required tremendous and reliable supplies of raw materials such as rubber and steel. - As far as I can discern, "equipment" is always written in singular form in English, never as "equipments."

where medical breakthroughs, such as [delete "the"] quinine,

Those acculturated subjects of western empires represented perfect sources of potential purchasers because they not only bought western artefacts to imitate western customs for social advancement

The new businesses in Asia and Africa provided huge returns because the western consumers demanded more and more items that were required to be made with foreign materials.

They were simply a means to expand economic returns without letting appear the real objectives and with the aim to prevent accusations of harsh colonialism.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Thesis Statement Re: Early Mortality of Rock Stars [10]

Greetings!

You've certainly done some good research! If the main focus of the paper is to be Jeff Tweedy, perhaps you could look at it in terms of 1) What the stereotype is; 2) How Tweedy fits (or fit) it; and 3) How he rose above it, distinguishing himself from the others. It depends, in part, on how long the paper will be as to how deeply you want to delve into the psychological aspects of depression/creativity, but it certainly is an interesting topic. You could also focus mainly on his battle with depression and expand out from there to include others' experiences. The main thing, as you seem to be well aware, is to keep it cohesive, so make sure your thesis statement is not too broad.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay Analysis of a Photograph [3]

Greetings!

Your essay is not only well-written but tells a fascinating story! I found your Ansel Adams quote particularly apropos! I have only one small editing suggestion:

A photographer can only compose a photo by making use of what they can capture - "photographer" is singular and "they" is plural. To be grammatically correct, you really should either use "photographers" or say "he or she" in place of "they." Using they as a singular is becoming so much a part of the vernacular that it may eventually become accepted grammar--but so far, it has not made it there yet. :-)

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / ESSAY ON CHARLES A. BEARD. FOR AMERICAN GOV. CLASS [2]

Greetings!

A thesis statement is essentially designed to tell the reader what the entire essay is about. It also usually takes a stance, providing the basis for the argument you will make in the essay. For example, if I were going to write an essay about whether Santa Claus actually exists, I would take a position on one side or the other, and my thesis statement would make that clear: "The figure known in various cultures as Santa Claus, Father Christmas and Pere Noel is more than just an enduring myth; a close examination of the available evidence suggests that the perennial Christmas icon may actually be rooted in fact."

I can't really help you write your thesis without knowing what the four-sentence quote from Charles Beard is. If you'd like to post it here, I'll try to give you more specific direction about how to write not only the thesis, but how to stretch it to five pages!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Math Essay for college- feedback/comments? [3]

Greetings!

You've written a really good essay! I like the way you create the mood, drawing the reader into the way your mind works. Being mathematically-challenged, I've never completely understood the way a mathematician's mind works, and you reveal it very artfully!

I have just a few small editing suggestions:

Everything is permeated in darkness, only being penetrated by the light of my table lamp. - This is an example of writing in the passive voice (permeated in/penetrated by), which should be avoided when possible. Although you don't have to eliminate all instances of passive voice, it would be better to say "Darkness permeates the room, penetrated only by the small beam from my table lamp" or "the small beam of my table lamp its only penetration."

My brain functions as a powerful machine with thrusts reverberating throughout the room... - For me, this metaphor doesn't really work; thrusts of what? Trying to picture this (unsuccessfully) distracted me from the story. I'd suggest tweaking this metaphor a little.

A really fine job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How the internet has improved your academic experience. [5]

Greetings!

You have written a truly excellent essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

The overwhelming relief that is experienced from learning via the internet has greatly improved my academic experience. - Try to avoid using the passive voice; better would be "The overwhelming relief I have experienced..."

At times I find myself on the invisible web where access to information grows exponentially, [add comma] becoming lost in a sea of information.

These "accidental" finds are merely a bonus of learning and prove the limitless boundaries of learning.

The internet provides an infinite source of information, [add comma] such as [delete , ]access to people from around the world, access to interactive material, and access to professors from around the world.

I can read the lecture or replay the lecture at my own pace and not miss important concepts of the lecture. - I don't think you need three instances of "the lecture" in one sentence; how about "I can read the lecture, or replay it at my own pace, and not miss important concepts."

The only other suggestion I would make is to add one or two summarizing sentences at the end. Something like, "Overall, I would have to say that my academic standing has benefited greatly from having the internet available as a resource."

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'transportation, hard work, and discipline' the world you come from - UC College [5]

Greetings!

I think you've done a great job with your essay! I worked on cutting it down a bit, and came up with this, which is 996 words, by my count:

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

I think you've done a very good job of answering most of the questions, with one exception, which I'll discuss below. Here are some editing suggestions:

Solving complex mathematical problems gives me infinite joy and immortal satisfaction.

My choice of diverse subjects at the A Level [delete ,] has strongly supported my desired goals.

I am currently studying further math.

This was an occasion which I luckily utilized to learn leadership, organization skills, crises resolution and event management. - This is a sentence which I believe I have suggested changes on before. It still is not good grammar to say "luckily utilized to learn"; you could say "an occasion on which I was fortunate to be able to learn..."

I believe that the wide spectrum of curriculum and highly supportive faculties at the top class British universities will help me to excel. - This sounds rather as if you don't care which university admits you, as long as it is one of the "top class British" ones. That's not what the individual school wants to hear. You have also not really answered the question "Why should we choose you over the other 19,000+ applicants who apply to LSE?" Try to make this part a bit more specific to that particular school.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'transportation, hard work, and discipline' the world you come from - UC College [5]

Greetings!

You've written an excellent couple of essays! I have just a few editing tips:

Throughout my life, I am expected to familiarize myself with a completely different world which I have never been exposed to.

When I visited my grandparents, I would say, "Chao Ong, Chao Ba." - which means what? You need to explain this.

they have raised me to be an ambitious individual who independently upholds similar strict expectations and discipline.

The beautiful music that was produced from those music sheets as she played marveled me as I imagine of the possibilities of doing the same with those very music sheets. - this is a little awkward and repetitive. Better would be: "The beautiful music she produced was a marvel to me, and I imagined the possibility of creating the same wonderful sounds from those mysterious sheets of music." (You can play with the description a little.)

I had anticipated taking another year of piano lessons.

Upon hearing this decision, I poured my heart out in tears. (This is just a suggestion; you could say this several ways.)

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Economic activity of developing country, Pakistan - personal essay [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay is well-written, cohesive and informative! I would give it a 9 out of ten. I have just a few editing suggestions, which I've marked in bold:

Intrigued by the melodrama of the economic activity of a developing country, Pakistan, I tuned myself with economic ideas. The analytical and realistic approach required by the study of economics appeals to my conscience. A sound understanding of mathematical concepts has equipped me with logical thinking and problem solving abilities which are, needless to say, beneficial in economics. Anin-depth analysis of the problem posed by an unstable Sensitive Price Index (SPI), energy inefficiency and emissions (particularly electricity) and an excessive defense budget has generated my interest particularly in Development and Welfare Economics.

Diversified subjects--accounting, chemistry and As physics--have groomed my reasoning skills and enhanced my thinking abilities.

Because of my interest in International trade policies and the working of WTO, I participated in a regional seminar on 'Discrimination or Globalization'.
My aptitude allowed me to take part in a brainstorming session on 'The political, social and economic problems of Pakistan' organized by the British Council.

I believe the responsibility of spreading knowledge is incumbent on an educated pupil.
It was a gratifying experience and as I worked with students who had varied approachestowards solving problems, I realized the importance of patience and significance of preservation in acquirement of success. [I am not sure what this phrase means.]

Participation in a nationwide Model United Nations was an enthralling experience.

Utilizing my counseling abilities and complementing my desire for the welfare of humanity, I took care of orphans at Edhi's rehabilitation centre which, incidentally,was situated adjacent to my college. It was a gratifying experience and I became conscious of my duty, as an individual,to serve effectively our society.

The brotherly love showered on us by the people of Turkey made me realize that through understanding and appreciation of each others'cultural values, the world can become a better place.

In fact I was a member of the selection committee for both the teams.

I like to enquire about the minds of successful individuals and found the book The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Steven R. Covey [or perhaps you meant How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie?]quite captivating.

I highly anticipate commencing my university life and benefiting from the high standards of teaching and research facilities available at the British Universities.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Welfare Programs [6]

You're quite welcome, and, once again, good job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Teaching mathematics; - PERSONAL STATEMENT [12]

Greetings!

I think your essay is shaping up very nicely. It's a little difficult for me to write the sentences about your cricket and fitness training without knowing more details, but I'll try. You might want to say something like "As much as I love mathematics, I do make time for other things, such as playing cricket and fitness training. I believe it is important to be well-rounded, and physical health is important."

Here are some other editing tips:

Solving complex mathematical problems gives me infinite joy and immortal satisfaction.

I brought into lime light - You need to either say "I brought into the limelight" or "I brought to light"; it is not correct English to say "I brought into lime light"

This was an occasion on which I was fortunate to be able to learn leadership, organization skills, crisis resolution and event management.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay - Welfare Programs [6]

Greetings!

First, thank you for your kind words, they are very much appreciated! I think you've done an outstanding job with your essay. There is very little to criticize; I have just a few small editing suggestions:

While Sowell is not entirely mistaken in his claims, he, [add comma] along with all those who nod in agreement with him, often fails to realize that these programs are necessary, and can be beneficial to a society.

If the government increases the amount of financial support it provides to the poor and unemployed, then it can bring these individuals at, or above, [add comma] the province's poverty line.

The province of Ontario can avoid a situation similar to the 1992 Los Angeles riots

The only other thing I would point out is that, technically, when you speak of an individual, you should not refer to him or her as "they," because "they" is plural. However, this is so much a part of the common vernacular that some feel it is well on its way to becoming accepted English grammar. I will leave it up to you to decide whether to change the several instances of it in your essay.

Really excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Billy Budd Essay Final (AP English) [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done a marvelous job with the essay, and have followed the prompt very well! Here are a few editing tips for you:

hoping that their choice in judgment is for better rather than for worse.

when sentencing one of his crewmen to [delete "their"] death.

As with any average human, it is intellectual curiosity and the ability to rationalize that builds the greater portion of a person's nature.

It is the way [delete "how"] Vere's virtues and flaws are presented that makes him morally ambiguous from the very beginning.

Vere's ill judgment is not [delete "due"] because he is good or evil, it is due to his flaws

Vere's decision of upholding rationale over feelings leads him to judge wrongly and represents his error, his flaws, and his humanness.

It is in Melville's Billy Budd that we see how moral ambiguity can be created by choosing whether to moralize rationality or rationalize morality.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Career research paper on Social worker [5]

Greetings!

We don't write papers for students on this site, but I'd be happy to give you some suggestions. If I understand the assignment correctly, you are to write about social work as a career. You might want to start by saying that it is a growing field (check this with research) and can provide a demanding, but rewarding career. Then, you could talk about the educational requirements needed to become a social worker. After that, you could outline the types of jobs available to people with that degree: what the job entails, how much it pays, and so forth. Depending on how long it is, you could get into studies of job satisfaction among social workers, and whether they tend to stay in the field or get burned out and go on to other careers.

Once you have a rough draft, I'd be happy to give you some editing advice!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / How to use QTFairUse - process essay [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay is easy to read and the directions sound simple to follow. I'd have to actually do it myself to know for sure, but I think that even technically-challenged "moi" could do this with your instructions!

Here are a few editing tips:

however, iTunes-purchased [add hyphen to make this an adjective] songs will not run on any other media player except for Apple products due to digital rights managements (DRM,) which limits usages of devices or files.

Now, the first step in converting iTunes songs is to locate and download the QTFairUSe; [instead of comma] a simple Google search will yield results. Next, locate the QTFairUse zipped folder that was downloaded. (this is a close call, but I think "was" is the better verb here)

without any more of the user's involvement. - in this instance, you are referring to only one user.

Many different methods of stripping the DRM from iTunes's songs are available, [add comma] such as burning the songs to a compact disc, [add comma] then ripping the songs again; although, this will take longer and is a waste of a compact disc.

Very good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'Clubs and school activities' - Why did you choose to apply to UCF? [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help with some editing advice! The main problem I see with it is that it is too generic. This essay could apply to pretty much any university on the planet. It sounds rather like you are using the same essay for every school, and just changing the name of the university. They are not asking "why are you going to college?" They want to know "Why, amongst all the dozens of schools you could have chosen, did you select ours?" You should try to personalize it, by mentioning some of their programs specifically, if possible. Basically, all you have told them is that you want some day to have some unspecified job in the very large field of medicine and that their school will be good because you can leave home. That does not give them a very compelling reason to choose you instead of some other applicant. See if you can come up with something more specific than their "various opportunities" to talk about, to show that you have really given your choice some thought.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com