Undergraduate / How to use names of current students in an college admission essay? [5]

I'd check with the people you are going to mention and make sure it is okay with them. Assuming you have the people's permission, though, I see no reason why you couldn't reference other students. They would be an obvious resource to consult if you have access to them.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]

It depends also on what is understood by "understand." After a few months of studying Spanish I could "understand" it in the sense that I could read newspaper articles in the language and pretty much follow what the author was saying. I couldn't, though, have understood anyone speaking it (as when I tried to follow movies in Spanish -- that was an unmitigated disaster) and reading a Spanish novel or more advanced literature of any sort would likely have been impossible. Also, my exposure to the language was brief enough that I've forgotten most of what I learned utterly, and will have to start over as I attempt to learn Spanish again. French, though, is different. After seven years in French immersion, enough of it is internalized that picking it up again wouldn't be too difficult.

The way you have written your essay, you could be taken as saying that you have a native speaker's understanding of all of the languages you mention. This is difficult to credit, unless you were raised with all of them or are a linguistic prodigy. It is much easier to believe that you have some familiarity with all of them, and can "understand" them to a limited extent, while possessing true fluency only of only two or three of them.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Subjects like art should be a part of child's education, it's a beneficial and necessary trend [13]

Overall you have the right sort of structure for a TOEFL essay. One thing to think about, though:


Hmmm . . . but is this because playing music and drawing develop intelligence, or because a certain level of intelligence is a prerequisite for doing well in music and art?

Undergraduate / Life's test and lesson - UF ESSAY ANALYZE! [7]

Your writing style is choppy -- too many short and medium-sized sentences of around the same length. You also tend to use weaker verbs, though your writing isn't the most egregious example of this to come up on this site. Still, you should revise and use stronger verbs where possible.

Content-wise, the overall gist of your essay is good, but the story is one in which you are a fairly passive participant. You never do make the team, and so never seem to overcome the conflict you have been describing. I realize you can and apparently did learn something from the experience anyway, but it makes for an unsatisfying narrative. And, of course, you need to spend considerably more time talking about how you will contribute to UF.

Undergraduate / Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay [15]

Do I know of any examples of experiences you have had? No, no I don't. If you want to try to relate some of your experiences and try to connect them to your topic, though, I can tell you if the connection works or not.

Graduate / Law School Personal Statement (seeking enrollment in Harvard Law School) [4]

Overall, this is a really strong essay. You do need to address a few things, though:


You can't say this. A lawyer without a good grasp of psychology is doomed to mediocrity at best.


Really? You go on to describe something that seems more like volunteer work than a money-making activity.


Good job! I'm sure you'll be able to stop women from getting rights in Israel, and humans from having any at all in the Congo. If you aren't prepared to fight against them, the next thing you know, countries will be developing things like gender equality. Ugh! Oh, wait, that probably isn't what you mean. Probably you meant to say you would be "fighting for" those rights, rather than "combating" them.

Undergraduate / Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate [18]

If this was actually a letter to your former roommate, it would be quite good. However, it is also a letter to the admissions people. As such, you want it to do what all of your applications essays should do, namely say something good about you, preferably demonstrating one or two key qualities through interesting use of narrative. Admitting to being indecisive is likewise probably a mistake, as you want to focus as much as possible on your positive qualities (though your desire to carefully think over your decisions after getting many different points of view can be easily spun to be a positive).

Actually, thinking about it a bit more, this approach might work for you after all. Try keeping the general format you've employed, but revise it with a view to imagining what an application officer will think of you after reading it . . .

Undergraduate / many different environments and people - FSU ADMISSION ESSAY-ARTES [5]

Ever since I was a child I was exposed to many different environments and people. I had visited 4 continents and many different countries. I have had to adapt and open myself up to various situations. The more new environments I was exposed to the better I became at adapting. My life is best embodied by the concept of Artes. Artes is the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art. Artes is important to me because I believe that everyone is in pursuit of something. My pursuit is to fully understand how to engage individuals, ethnic groups, and global communities to participate in projects that benefits the majority.

You use the verb "to be" an average of once per sentence. "To be" is the weakest verb there is, and your overreliance on it saps your essay of interest. Worse, your sentences all tend to employ the same structure, further dulling your writing. For a guide on how to eliminate weak verbs from your essay (and a more detailed explanation of why you should do so) read this article:

Undergraduate / Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay [15]

Well, what do you actually mean? That the notion that humans were born from clay is a compelling myth? That it is an inspiring metaphor? That it has universal resonance? My point is that your current phrasing clearly doesn't say what you mean, so, you need to revise it to say whatever you do mean.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Mark Twain [7]

Why do you have to say he is different at all? You can just give your reasons for admiring him, without comparing him to others.

I look forward to reading your next draft.

Undergraduate / SOCCER PLAYER; U Connecticut - Person (profound effect) [5]

This is pretty much the sort of essay you want. Your writing style is solid, and the content says all sorts of good things about you. It isn't easy to find a way to talk about how you are an honor student and a competitive athlete in an interesting narrative, but you've managed to pull it off. You have some minor grammatical errors here and there that I'm sure others will point out for you, and your concluding few sentences are bit cliche, but you are definitely on the right track.

Undergraduate / A difficult accomplishment that you are proud of [6]

Try rewriting the essay, only taking a more narrative approach. The best way to describe a story is by telling it, after all. So, recount your experience in such a way that it shows everything you now state, and you will have a much more interesting essay.

Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]

Your essay is nice and lighthearted, and does tell the reader quite a bit about you. But, as others have said, the lighthearted tone and shallowness of the incident recounted does make it seem a bit too light for this sort of application. Maybe you could talk a bit about what made your dorm so inviting, why someone else liked it enough to move in, etc. Or, you could reflect more on the end about what you learned from your rooming experience. Or, you could do both.

Undergraduate / "horrible accident" - UC Undergraduate Admission TRANSFER PROMPT 2 [13]


You should proofread carefully to avoid these sorts of mistakes.

More generally, you sort of have a good topic for the essay. The main problem, though, is that it is a story that really should focus more on your friend than on you, which is why you come off sounding arrogant, because you write it the other way around. This is perhaps understandable, given that the essay has to show something good about you, specifically, but it is a bit jarring for the reader. You could get around this by adding more details about your friend, his reaction to the incident, your emotional response to the situation, etc. You can still mention the things you did to support him, but as additional details woven in to a substantially different narrative. At the moment, you list many good things you did for your friend as if you expect and deserve praise for them, but, hopefully, that isn't why you actually did them. You also don't really talk about what you learned from the experience. You tack on a couple of sentences near the end that sort of deal with this, but it doesn't emerge naturally from the narrative.

Writing Feedback / I laid there,hoping that I could pass into the void & never return; PATIENCE [6]

I've moved this to the essays and term papers thread, which seems like a better category for it than undergraduate admissions. As for general feedback, I thought the story was very well-written for a mid school assignment. It is difficult to be more specific without knowing what the instructions were and what you were supposed to accomplish with the piece. You have some grammatical errors, but they are minor, and will probably be flagged by other members once you have started offering solid feedback of your own.

Writing Feedback / The Saluda hospital - Advice for my GRE argument [6]

"The author" works. Or "the newspaper," or "the article." These all would be more standard, and accurate, than "the arguer."

Writing Feedback / The surest indicator of a great nation---GRE Issue [2]

This would be great if it were being written as a TOEFL essay. For a GRE essay, you'll need more depth. Start by defining key terms. What is meant by "general welfare," for instance? How would you measure it? In what way might it be contingent upon the achievements of rulers, scientists, and artists? Use your answers to these questions to guide you in elaborating on the significance of your existing examples.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Mark Twain [7]

Your essay is fairly strong, at least as far as style and grammar go. You might want to rework your intro, though. It adopts a "most other people suck but I'm cool" tone that might not go down so well, especially if your reader happens to be someone who greatly admires an athlete, actor, or musician. Also, you might spend a bit more time in the essay talking about how Twain influenced you. At the moment, you focus heavily on how much you agree with his position. But, you might have come to those conclusions, which are after all part of the standard dogma kids are indoctrinated with in school, independently of Twain. Did reading Twain's work shape your views? Which texts? Why did they resonate with you? Etc.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

Oh, I see what you mean now. I glossed over part of your original sentence. Still, the larger point remains -- you need to expand on what about being a doctor specifically appeals to you, beyond the "helping others" aspect of it, given how many other options would meet that criteria.

Undergraduate / Very short response to Brown supplement [8]

Also, why is your response very short? Were you given a particularly strict word count, or was it a personal decision? If the latter, you definitely want to expand on both of your existing points, and might want to add others to flesh out your answer.

Undergraduate / Intended major : Public Health <Applying to Berkeley & UCI> [6]

Your first paragraph, while well written, doesn't seem to have anything to do with the rest of your essay, which does not deal with the negative effects of pollution on health, but on the importance of good nutrition. Given the schools you are applying to, you can probably count on no one calling you on the irony of someone who lives in a country with one of the highest life expectancies on the planet insisting that our health reflects our environment, and that our environment should therefore be judged to be in bad shape. You do, however, need to connect your ideas up in some way. I notice your first version didn't have this paragraph. Perhaps you could simply remove it, and start in with your first body paragraph directly.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

As Liebe explained at length, the essay suffers from rooting your decision to be a doctor in a childish decision to go into a field where you could help people. The problem is that helping people is a very broad category, and it seems likely that anyone working just about any job and doing it well likely helps someone out in someway. What made you want to help people out in the specific ways that doctors help others? At the moment, you say it is because your sister told you it would be the least work intensive option. Hopefully by now you know that your sister was wrong, and that a career in medicine is one of the most intensive courses of study you could possibly choose to pursue. So, why do you want to be doctor, when there are also sorts of easier ways to help people? A police officer, a social worker, a teacher, etc. all help people, and all require much less effort, both to train for and as day-to-day occupations. You need to explain your motives in more depth for the essay to be really suitable for admissions officers to peruse.

Undergraduate / Harvard (optional) essay- about Iran and travel. [8]

Yep, your new conclusion reads very well, and will work as a solid replacement for the sentence you had originally.

Undergraduate / Interests and aspirations in engineering (UMich essay prompt #2) [12]

"nor did the thought of giving up crossed my mind"

I like your third draft. You could maybe be a bit more specific about this:


but for an undergrad admissions essay, you can probably get away with leaving it as is.

Undergraduate / Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay [15]


And according to at least one scientific theory of the origin of life. But how can this unseen and as yet unverified process be considered a spectacle?


Channeling John Locke and his predecessors I see. Much to be said for his philosophy, but no one actually believes humans are born as blank slates anymore.


This and the rest of your first paragraph are really quite good.


How so? Having your parents focus more on your sisters may have forced you to be more independent, I guess, though I imagine they didn't entirely abandon you to your own devices when you were five as a result. Leadership, though? You will need to explain this in more detail.


This sense not sentence make does. Revise.


Well, keep going -- you clearly need to say more before you are done.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

"Ten years earlier, at age three, I began learning to play the violin, as an experiment, but it ended up orchestrating my life. Ita process that has presented unparalleled opportunities that have shaped the person who I am todayhave become.From the people I have met to the places I have gone, I recognize how deeply privileged I am. I take pride in the ability to both share and enjoy music to a level only achieved by years of persistence.

Now, when I watcha violin classes in Reykjavík comprised of toddlers and their faux-violins, I can't bear the thought that there a re young people in my community who possessed the drive but lacked the opportunity to play music. I have therefore resolved to take action, and weeks later, Ibecame the founder and president offounded Music and the World (musicandtheworld.org)."

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]


This is a bit problematic. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong with expressing religious faith in passing in your essay. On the other hand, presumably it would be equally accurate to say that it was the power of God that afflicted you in the first place, the affliction being just as mysterious and inexplicable as its eventual cure, so your apparent praising of God seems . . . odd. You could of course explain this more fully, but then your essay would be horribly off-topic. It might be better to just omit it.

Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

I look forward to reading your next draft. If you want statistics about various countries, such as life expectancy, education rates, etc., you might find this site useful: wolframalpha.com

You can probably learn about the economic systems of various countries just by looking up those countries in wikipedia, at least to get a quick overview.

Essays / Managemement Report: CSR [4]


No. We aren't here to write your reports for you, but to help you write your own. Come up with the best first draft you can on your own, then post it here and we will help you identify weaknesses in content, style, and grammar so that you can improve the quality of your work.

Essays / Something you are passionate about [10]

You might start by articulating your worldview, and then articulating your views on technology. If there is any overlap, that might be a good place to start in answering the question you have posed yourself. But the essay is a personal one, and so only you can come up with the raw material for it. If you post draft here, even a really rough one, we might be able to offer you more help.

Undergraduate / Green Bay, Help with UC-Berkeley Admission Essay [15]

The overall approach is interesting. The implementation needs work. Perhaps you could start with a narrative anecdote about one of your experiences of flying for the first time -- the entire looking down on the world thing, rather than the takeoff -- then talk about what specific bigger issues are of interest to you. Maybe you saw the beauty of the forest spread out below and knew you had to fight to protect the environment, or some such. Then, tie that goal into what you hope to accomplish at UC-Berkeley . . .

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]

Not bad for a first draft. I'd focus more on showing your emotional response to the experience and on showing how and what you learned from it. You state what you learned in the last paragraph, but simply telling isn't very interesting, and it seems tacked on anyway. Actually showing what you learned through narrative description is the way to go here.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

Worry about conveying your main point effectively first. Once you have something that does that, you can post here and people will help you cut it down to size.

Undergraduate / Solace in Suburbia - help with Common App Essay [3]

Or this:


Or this:


You have a well-written introduction to three separate topics. Now pick one and revise the essay to include some more profound reflection on whichever one you most want to talk about.

Undergraduate / Supplement essay.(Language and communication) [7]

Yep, you need to clean up your grammar and style. Here is a start for you:

Before: "The view that I see language only as a "skill" changed after I attend a formal dinner party and played as translator between Japanese visitors and Chinese students

After: "My view of being multilingual changed after I attended a formal dinner party and acted as a translator between Japanese visitors and Chinese students"

Graduate / MScR in Water Resource Engineering - admission essay for Oxford [3]

Start by deciding what course you plan on following, and what sort of work you intend to do during and after your degree. What do you plan to research during your degree? Why? What you do you plan to do with your degree? Why? Then write up your answers concisely and interestingly, and post them here for more detailed feedback.

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]

Yeah, if you need to explain poor grades, dedicate an essay to that purpose. Don't dilute another essay meant to focus on something good about yourself with it. Focusing on a specific activity in detail, such as chess, is probably better than just listing off a bunch of activities, especially as you probably get to do that elsewhere on your application anyway.

Undergraduate / "A mother of thirty-seven" - UC APPLICATION [6]

Yeah, the mother thing doesn't work at all. "Role-model" maybe?

Undergraduate / Common Application. Help me choose a topic between these two! [10]


Liebe has the right idea, here. Racism is a very complex issue, with deliberate and malicious rejection of members of other races forming only the most simplistic and easily condemned part of it. Some research has shown that a certain amount of unconscious racism might be ingrained in each of us (of course, the research itself is not beyond criticism, but it provides some food for thought, as it were). Also, stereotypes, including racial ones, rarely arise in a vacuum. After all, if no one ever conformed to racial stereotypes, they wouldn't have such staying power. Often, they arise naturally as a consequence of the sort of inductive reasoning that guides us in many matters. This isn't to say that racial stereotypes are accurate, or that we should rely on them when judging people of other races, but it does mean that they are strongly enough rooted in our culture and in our minds that simply stating "we're not supposed to be racist" isn't going to be enough to dispel them. There is plenty of room for you to talk about how your personal experiences taught you valuable lessons about making superficial judgments based on race in ways that make it a good learning experience rather than a confession of having once been a hopeless bigot.

Writing Feedback / Offering Incentives - IELTS Essay [14]


Ouch! The opposite of communism is capitalism, not democracy. The opposite of democracy is totalitarianism. And the use of incentives by companies within a democratically capitalist society, or the lack of use of them, has nothing to do with the validity of the systems themselves.

Also, you might want to do some research on what sort of incentives work best. Generally, cash incentives work worse than merchandise incentives. The idea is that cash incentives often become viewed as merely an extension of compensation, and that they lack "trophy value" as a result. Here are some sites you can look at:

hrleader.net.au/articles/0c/0c02590c.asp
incentivesmotivate.com/art_cash_vs_merchandise.shtml

Do some research, then try again, crafting an essay with a bit more depth to it.