Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: "My past and my present are the key to my future." [11]

My past has influenced my present; and it will decide my future. I scratched this out because of my opinion, which is often wrong, so keep it if you disagre with me. I think it states the obvious in a sense, anI also think it is wrong to suggest that the past will decide your future. It may have decided your present, buy you decide the future.

I think you could stary with this interesting sentence: When I stare at those embarrassing photos of myself as a kid, which my mother treasures like gold, I just see how that boy has become a man.

Notice above that the dependent clause is in between commas.

Use a comma and a colon:
To answer this question, I even wrote a free verse poem:
Above, the comma is not strictly necessary, but I like it.

At the end, can you say something more specific and less obvious than college? Name the college, or, better yet, name the degree program. Even better would be to name the degree program, the school, and include the name of the department head or one of the professors. That would be really cool.

Undergraduate / 'conquering the obstacles' - UC 2: My greatest accomplishment [4]

Well, right from your first sentence you show that you are talking about an accomplishment, and I think that is good. I think you should add a sentence to the end of the 1st para, though, to simply name the main challenges -- you know? You can list them in a new last sentence that you add on to the end of that 1st paragraph.

Undergraduate / Calli (Common App. Essay) - Something can fall in a heartbeat. [12]

Yes, it can be difficult. Also, it is unnecessary! That is just something that came to mind for me. It would be like this:

And this is a way to switch to the "active voice":
...We can only dream of the extremity at which this cruelty hits. can only be dreamed of by us.

And then if you wanted to do the present tense thing, you will indeed have to be slick about it. Maybe it is a bad idea, but exprimental things like that are fun. Anyway, I like the essay a lot this way too.

Undergraduate / Dreaded by walking into that class; it felt like I was walking into a class - Influential Teacher [5]

No, that is just my suggestion! Someone who is very serious about a field also tends to have special interests, special fascinations.

That part is my personal opinion. How can someone deny entrance to you if you have such a clear vision for the future? That is why I suggest painting a detailed picture.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins Supplement Essay - Limit is only my imagination [5]


I think you should replace this (above) with a powerful sentence. This one is kind of weak, but I don't know how to explain why.

Hence, by studying Molecular Biology and learning how to practice gene therapy, the treatment of pathosis by manipulating genes, I hope to contribute however small part, to the process of raising our standards of living and prevent people from suffering like I did.

Undergraduate / Being morally, physically, and intellectually strong, "Vires, Artes, Mores" [3]

That first paragraph can be developed a little better. Another sentence in that para to explain your personal kind of Vires will help to sharpen your meaning.

Boxin gave good advice here, for sure; let your activities serve as examples to develop the sharp, focused meaning of that first para.

Writing Feedback / Literary Analysis on The Haunting of Hill House [4]

Pheelks, good call! I agree.

Graduate / sincere coments for Sop ms/phd in computer science [6]

Awesome, Lisa, thanks!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Recent story that affected me the most was Pig Flu [4]

I don't know the name of the rule associated with this. You can write, "My jacket is here." and sometimes you write, "Here is my jacket." The rule we are talking about is just the way of conjugating the verb "to be."

Singular:
My jacket is here.
My jacket was here.
My jacket will be here.

Plural:
My jackets are here.
My jackets were here.
My jackets will be here.

Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

No peanuts are in the basket. There...
There is a Zen riddle for you to ponder, ha ha. My mind is the mind of the no-peanut basket.

There are, there is... yeah, they're wrong at the start, but I don't fully understand why. I do it all the time, even in this post multiple times. It might be the innovation of some prudish grammarian, or it might be a stylistic "rule" that teachers made up. It might not be incorrect at all, but it behooves a writer to avoid using it at the start of a sentence just because some readers or critics would use it against you.

That is the first time I've ever used the word behooves. It's that kind of day.

And actually, in my own writing I like to use "Here is..." at the start of many sentences... I think "here" is a powerful word, like "now." If There is wrong at the start, here should be, too! So... yeah. I don't know, google around about it. :-)


Ha ha, ethereal garden is awesome. It is dramatic if you use it alone, but as a well developed concept it would be great. Sounds like something that must have been used before, but if not, you should buy it as a domain name, ha ha.

Grammar, Usage / whats the difference between somones and someone's ? [17]

My mom used to get so mad if any of us said "these ones" or "those ones." She would actually attack us with her fists.

Writing Feedback / Multi-Language Clash Synthesis essay [6]

Pheelyks, thanks so much for the attention to the situation, and for all the great help you've been giving people. In this situation here, though, can you see that the clauses on each side of the semi-colon are indeed independent? They are independent, because either could stand alone as a sentence.

The way you corrected it is actually a run-on sentence. It is a kind of run-on sentence called a "comma splice."

So, maybe we can have some more friendly debate about it! I still say the correct way is this:

"Tan knew English her whole life; however, Rodriguez didn't."

"Tan knew English her whole life. However, Rodriguez didn't."

It is okay to write this as a sentence: "However, Rodriguez didn't."

Please let me know your thoughts. It may be that I actually have a misconception, so I'll be very grateful if you correct me. This stuff is interesting to me, because I am a nerd. Kind regards,

Grammar, Usage / Ask for Thank giving day Holiday [4]

My friend, I hope I fixed this appropriately! You should check out babelfish.yahoo.com/

Good morning

As we discussed in our daily meeting, the Thanksgiving holiday is approaching, and SME and I trained all our team members on the topic of (what topic?) multiple times. Moreover now we are in on the job, training. Now that the Thanksgiving holiday is here, we are not getting any inputs for processing.

However we will covered all training stuff which was scheduled on that day, and it will be done the 22nd of November.

Here, I attached the revised training plan and I am requesting that you to kindly approve the holiday for Thanksgiving and the revised training plan.

I am waiting for your approval.

Regards
sri

Undergraduate / Which ideas are better for "Turning Point" Essay to win exchange program? [6]

Isabel, I'm so impressed with the way you revised; I was not sure of how to fix some of it, and I see that you had ideas that were better than mine. Twinkle, what do you think of those suggestions? Here is some "food for thought."

I wanted to be a scientist and work in laboratory since I was young. But when it came true during my studying, I feel no comfort and lost my attention to it. But one day, professor asked all class why everybody has to come here to study . He wanted to know why every body has to lock ourselves up in the square room called a laborator y. Doing correct but not realizing what we were doing, I suddenly understood all the reasons for my unhappiness and lack of energy . I never prepare myself for studying well enough, so I don't know what to do and what I gain in every day. N ow I knew the key to lives that not only set goals but also really want to achieve understanding ! If I want to know, I will happy to learn or do anything. Give my heart a goal and I will get more than I hope for .This is my important turning point because I believe a turning point came when I realized who I am, what my mistakes were in the past, and what I want to do in the future. And this give me all of that!-------> Twinkle, this is beautiful. Even though your English still needs some work you wrote about a subject that is absolutely brilliant. It is full of wisdom.

Writing Feedback / An Indian milieu [12]

Well said! The comparison with plants is very poetic, but I wonder if you might be comparing apples and oranges. Maybe culture cannot be compared to plant life, because plant life is wholly natural, whereas culture/country is all artificial. If you ignore the contrived labels that separate one people from another, you just see individuals doing things. I don't really know what else to think about it right now.

To compare a country to a plant is like comparing a corporation to a ... well, plant, I guess.

:-)

Undergraduate / "interest in math" - Describe the world you come from [6]

...areas such as engineering, economics, and management. To me, math is more than a subject. It is a tool to make our lives better.

I see that Jeannie did a great, thorough job of editing.

You can sharpen the focus and meaning of this essay if you specify a favorite field in which you would like to use math: engineering, maybe? At the end, name a few career ideas that you have!

:-)

Undergraduate / UW Describe an experience of Culture difference positive and negative you have [4]

Yes, and you can also give some help to other people and then link them to your essay -- and ask them to return the favor.

:-)

Undergraduate / Helping Someone Dear to Me- UC prompt 2 [5]

When you put 2 sentences together as one, you need a comma:
It is 5 a.m., and I am sound asleep.

Need a comma here:
Scared , I call his name and wait for him to wake up and tell me everything is okay.

This is not horrible! You did very well. It's too bad we need to have terrible experiences like this in order to gain wisdom, but at least now you are enlightened by the memory of it. How about if you spend some time at the end telling about the field you are interested in and how this insight will help you as a scholar and professional. Carry the theme into the future by talking about your aspirations.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY " Shools should ask students to evaluate their teachers" [13]

Right on, yes indeed. And yet, I still know the point being made by Vu Hong: as a child, I was not qualified to evaluate my teachers, because I had not yet learned what was good for me. Seriously. So... it is good to have kids give feedback, but it is also good to have kids remain receptive to guidance rather than getting all self-righteous and rebellious like some of us were.

Undergraduate / Choosing college similiar to choosing girlfriend?? [4]

Well, you have to refer back to the girlfriend thing at the end if you want to do it this way. That is the way to give it closure, tie up the loose end, come full circle. I also think you need to develop the simile a little better -- give more details about the ways it is like choosing a girlfriend.

And actually, there is something inherently sexist about talking about "choosing a girlfriend." As if you get to decide, and the girls are all just hoping to get chosen! :-) Maybe you should be gender inclusive and write "girlfriend or boyfriend."

Writing Feedback / TOEFL living in places different weather condition vs same weather condition [6]

Based on my own experience, I consider is cheaper to live in a place with a constant weather.

...are an issue for me since they are easily lost.

This is great! You will do very well on the test.

This can be one word: sunlight

Congratulations! You write with very high quality!

Dissertations / Synopsis on solar energy applications [6]

No, outside links are okay, but text from other websites is not. We often link people to helpful sites... it's important. And it's better to link people to a site than to paste text from the site into the forum. Your explanation here is clearer than mine, I think! Thank you!

Undergraduate / 'I can read / write / fight / look / talk' - UC tranfer essay prompt #2 overcame [7]

self-promotion----> with a hyphen.

to be rid of the disability.

or...
to rid myself of the disability.

or...
to rid my life of the disability.

My willpower was more impulsive than my dyslexia.---> this is one of many great sentences you have, here. Is this kind of writing easy for you, or did you spend a long time with this? You have a real talent, and I hope you'll spend lots of time with prose, poetry, and music.

Undergraduate / Essay about my experience - not possible to be specific!? [15]

I hope you'll go give some suggestions to other members, and write more than just a single line. Give some thoughtful feedback, and then ask them to return the favor.

Just link them to this page.

Undergraduate / Essay prompt 2# What is your intended major? [9]

...A thrill came to me, as I began to inscribe every moment as words into words in my head...---> that is a cool sentence.

Oh.. so there is more to come? Well, writing about that class is good, but actually... make it so that what you are actually writing about is how fascinated you are about the subject, and USE the anecdote about the class to support the idea. I think the most important thing is to follow all the way through and describe your plans for the future -- especially college -- in terms of this fascination with spoken word and Lit. What kind of work do you want to do later in life?

Undergraduate / Consider your talents strengths academic and otherwise. What is one thing you do [5]

A talent as apposed to what? A skill that can be developed? Do you mean that leadership is an innate talent, and that you either have it or you don't? You should explain that after making the claim that it is a talent.

Awesome, awesome, you did a great job of explaining your proactive steps, your methodical thinking during the process.

I think this can be even better if you say your experience motivated you to look into the science of leadership... look up these things online:

charismatic leadership
transactional and transformational leadership
servant leadership
...and write a paragraph about them. that would be so impressive!

you write very well.

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 : Helping a friend in need [4]

Maybe it is better not to "take the Lord's name in vain," because that is offensive to some people. Even if the reader is not spiritual, s/he may be put off by your disregard for, you know, people who might take offense. Just say some other thing that mans the same as "oh god."

This is great, and I like you as a person after reading it, and the narrative is told well -- like pages from a novel. I do think it's incomplete, though. With this kind of essay, I think it's important to have an intro and conclusion -- or at least a conclusion -- that talks about how this experience is related to your chosen major, your career hopes, etc.

I think of it like this: The essay is about the experience, but not really... it is really about "the person you are" and more specifically, the person they have to decide whether or not to accept into the school. So use this story as a way to PROVE that your nature is very good for the kind of work you want to be doing. When you have clear goals, it makes them want to accept you.

So... I think you should follow through with this, all the way to how it is sending you in the direction of achieving your dreams via this UC program ... even if you are not yet sure what you want to do.

Undergraduate / Which essay is stronger? (General Personal Statement) [12]

Well, it depends on what the positive things are, I guess. "Show, don't tell" is that writing rule we hear all the time. You show your good qualities by demonstrating them in the way you reflect on the topics about which you're writing.

So.. that is very important to think about: You can cause the reader to come to a good conclusion about you with the attitude you portray. You describe things in a way that makes the reader think, "Oh she is so dedicated to her studies," or they'll say, "Oh, she seems to really care about others..."

At the start of the second essay, arrrrgh.. I hate to be the Negative Nancy, but it sounds like you are saying you are not impressive, it is true that you are not impressive, and that there is something undeniable about what is true...

I really like your approach, the authenticity and thoughtfulness of it.

Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

Hey, I just notices a typo "grads." You also use some commas unnecessarily, but that is no big deal. Notice where I took out commas below:

First picture I saw, it was for my classmates and me in the third grades . At that time, I was short and fat compared to the others in my class.

I found this spot, too, where you are missing an s and a period:

and being with a lot of people makes me feel good. Sometimes I even...

Being... makes.

Anyway, this is great. You already write better in English than many people who grew up speaking English. I know, because I went to college with them! :-)

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Awesome, this is an important thread that I think I'll link people to when they are learning about poetry. Pheelyks, you are a hero, thanks for the great discussion; lots of students will benefit from it.

Jeannie, it's better than Shakespeare, and I don't care, I'll tell him to his face. :) The meter is right on, and actually.. all jokes aside, I have seen a lot of iambic pentameter that actually does not always stay iambic... sometimes an off-beat line serves a really cool purpose... to emphasize something or instill a feeling.

I had to remove that poem, because we are not allowed to have any content here that appears on other sites, sorry!! But, I found the link.

:-)

Graduate / I need broaden and develop my scientific background to become an international-level researcher [4]

I know what you mean about having trouble getting the words onto the page. If you are not inspired, you can't write anything that gives people a powerful experience. At the start of this, you take a long time to say something that should not take so long to say. The trick is to capture a cool thought that you have about what drives you toward computational science.

You can let them know what you need to let them know... and do it in an artful way. You really have to feel inspired, though, and I know you have inspiration because something is inspiring you to get into this field. Think of how this program to which you are applying is going to enable you to do some very meaningful things in life...

...has given me invaluable, practical experience...

Wow, your background information is so impressive!

However, I care significantly about the discipline... need to use a different word, not significantly. "Deeply" would work, but "care deeply" is a cliche.

In general, I would say the beginning and end of this are too.. general. Too vague... but your work and experience definitely make this impressive. I hope you'll transform the first part of this into something that makes the reader think about computational science in a new way -- but you can't fake inspiration, so... wait for it to come!

Writing Feedback / Do you agree to "Watching Television is bad for children"? [5]

...on TV which should not meant to be viewed by child's age group and have many negative impacts on their lives.

or...

...on TV which are not meant to be viewed by child's age group and have many negative impacts on their lives.

...children who watch TV for long hours (no comma necessary here) have many negative impacts on their health; for example, they may...

No need to capitalize "children" here: However, Children children who watch TV...

This is great, you write without many errors at all!

Writing Feedback / COUNTRY BOYS - REACTION PAPER - edit this essay, I'm non native English speaker [2]

"Country boys" is the most unique type of documentary movie that I have ever watched, because it is not based on topic that is mostly issued nowadays such as global warming or why people die because of flue.

There is no such thing as "fact" in this movie and that makes this movie keep attention from the audience.---> good sentence!! Weird rules: "makes this movies keep" "This movie keeps"

Cody is an orphan; his father had many wives and died early , so Cody was taken care of by the forth wife's mother, Liz.

I was very surprised by the family background of Cody because having that many wives was possible in the fifteenth century, but it also

He has little sister whom he needs to take care of while parents are out, attending school and work at the same time. ----this is a great sentence!

Playing music is just one thing but an orphan like Cody felt rely (what is this word supposed to be?).

Chris might be academically successful, but I am not sure he is going to be happy with relationship with other people -- especially family relations -- but Cody will have happier life than Chris because he already felt the love of family and he knows how to makes people like him.

This is especially true with regard to Chris's house in the movie because it seems his house was very far from the city.

:-) I hope that helps you to keep improving your skill!

Writing Feedback / Literary Analysis on The Haunting of Hill House [4]

Wow, long sentence at the start there...
After reading one of Shirley Jackson's most famous novels, The Haunting of Hill House, I was taken aback by her influential use of the paranormal, how she explored each and every attribute of the story with her unique way of writing, and her distinctive morphing of the mind. However , once accustomed to her style...

"Though" usually does not start a sentence...

Shirley Jackson is known as one of the most influential authors of the twentieth century, one who influences the great writings of Stephen King and Richard Matheson (Allen 1).

A question that is often raised is about whether or not the events...

the minds of the readers.

After completely analyzing and researching every aspect of Jackson's novel, it is easy to notice its cultural impact on society and society's impact on her writing.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay - "Learning about past has its significance" [2]

Can knowledge about the past be beneficial for those of us livin g in present?

I think that way sounds better.

This one has to be one sentence because of the waay you used "while"
Some people thinks that this information is useless because the past is passed present, while others believe that it is advantageous for our present as well as future.

Furthermore, new achievements lead to the betterment of our lives by providing more comfort, such as machines that replaced the old pattern of hand work.

Besides with the opportunities, learning about past would prevent us from performing the same mistake again. ----> This is a good phrase to learn: "prevent us from..."

You are doing great! I admire all the writing you are doing lately.

Writing Feedback / Multi-Language Clash Synthesis essay [6]

you need one more sentence at the end of that first paragraph. It is really good --you make an observation about each, and it is well-written, but at the end you should give a sentence that makes a meaningful observation -- based on the content of your essay -- about these two in relation to one another.

There are two types of compare/contrast essay: alternating is to talk about one in the first body paragraph and another in the second body paragraph. Opposing is when you write a paragraph about a certain point of comparison and write about both essays in relation to that point of comparison.

You have a good transition sentence at the end of that 2nd paragraph.

This is a run-on sentence:
Tan knew English her whole life; however Rodriguez didn't.
There, I fixed it with a semi-colon

The conclusion is very important. It's what the whole essay amounts to. I think you should give a sentence or two that refer to the CONTENT they provide and not just the style.

:-) Good luck! You write very well already.

Undergraduate / UW Describe an experience of Culture difference positive and negative you have [4]

Family is a universal phenomenon all over the world. Even though (no comma here) different cultures can influence on the traditions of the family, the family always retains a special quality: it is the only place on earth full of love. I have a deeper understanding of the...

The American family I observed is an equal, democratic, and free unit. Parents and their kids are more like friends.

Some of them are still valid in modern Chinese societies, whereas others are changing.-----> great sentence!!

Family life is very different from one country to another. No matter, in China or in America, the base of this society comes from the harmony of families. It is a place full of love, fun and support. The love of a family is life's greatest blessing.-----> Nice ending!

I think you should say something more specific about what makes people in a family so close. Is there a metaphor from Daoism that would be interesting to explain? It would be nice if you said something more meaningful than just, "family is a great source of love." I know, for example, that ancient Qigong teachings often called the human body a "family." That is interesting...

Do you know what I mean? In the intro and conclusion, I think you should add a sentence -- something that will sharpen the meaning of the whole essay.

Dissertations / Synopsis on solar energy applications [6]

This is an exciting process, but it can be frustrating. The first thing to do is get passionate about something -- some aspect of your field. You should read lots of articles -- recent articles -- and you will see that they all give background information and explain the progress that has been made and what kinds of research projects are missing from the literature.

For example, I am interested in the bioelectricity that is manipulated in Chinese medicine. Therefore, I know what new research needs to be done in the field. I know that we should experiment with electrical stimulation as a form of therapy -- and this is already being done -- but my knowledge of what is going on in the field enables me to know what a good topic is.

When you choose your topic, give the synopsis in a succinct way -- not extra phrases or sentences. Look at 10 different articles online and read the "abstract." That will show you what to do. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abstract_%28summary%29

What you are writing is not exactly an abstract, but this will help you. How long is your synopsis supposed to be?

Undergraduate / "full of changes" - UIUC Transfer Essay [2]


Well, now you do, and we're glad to have you! Sorry it took me so long to respond.

Replace that first semi-colon with a dash -- because a dash is like a dramatic pause. A semi-colon sort of works like a period.

Oh, I se here you misused a semi-colon again. This time, it should be a colon, because a colon means "more to come."

would determine my entire future: college.

Never before have I had such a burning desire to achieve academically. Academics quickly became my number one priority in life.----> right here, the second sentence should say something to substantiate the claim made in the first sentence -- instead of saying the same thing in a different way, redundantly.

It's cool that you speak German! Talk a little about how learning to think in two languages gives you perspective, and you deeply understand how to transcend language barriers and help others to do the same!

This is great stuff. Maybe you should go help some other people with their essays and ask them to return the favor, so you can get more perspectives than just mine. Kind regards!

Essays / KING LEAR and Joyce Carol Oates's "Is This the Promised End?" [2]

You have some unnecessary commas:
...the "promised end" for which we so eagerly and tirelessly search falls short in comparison...

Or how about a dramatic pause with dashes:
the "promised end" -- for which we so eagerly and tirelessly search -- falls short in comparison...

Well... the thing to do now is come up with a single sentence that succinctly says the main idea: what is your observation, the interesting -- sharp focus?

The last sentence of this gives an example to support the point you are making about the comparison, but you should end this with a sentence that directly says the main idea. It is like sharpening something. You want to be able to "capture" your central idea in a single, powerful sentence.

:-)
Kind regards!