Undergraduate / "I crave organization" - Application Essay Edits/ Suggestion [4]

No need for a comma here:
...go to college I would need...

No need for unhelpful details:
The Head of Academics Mallory Rome informed me that she was unable...

Have you ever read about Gardner's famous work pertaining to "multiple intelligences?" I am like you; when I draw, it looks like a melting pumpkin. I feel so bad for you, were you the only one in class who could not draw? It is because you write so well; you got the skill for language instead of visual arts.

But you can develop all the inteligences, and that is a great theme for this essay. I think it would be brilliant if, at the end, you write little about how your organized, methodical way of thinking will help you in your intended career, and how your skill with visual arts will also help you if you continue to develop it. That will be a very impressive essay; it already is impressive.

Undergraduate / SOP for psychology program [2]

I was born into a time of war and odd experiences, and I faced high standards set by a highly educated family. My childhood was filled with rows of books around the house and nights of fabulous stories, which piqued my...

...rank of 198th amongst 67,153 other applicants

Use a comma:
...years of my education, and I passed...

...I attend the workshops held by...

...my studies to higher degrees; hence, in...

My avid curiosity in this field was established when I visited...

The appeal of Groningen is the principal factor that compels me to leave my home and family and to reach for a fantastic opportunity overseas. over the seas .

Very impressive! You must be some kind of genius. always be thankful for your aptitude!!

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 : An Evolving Personality [3]

...pompadour, and a confident...

Getting to know this kid well , you would...

...my childhood, and it was...

My face shot bright red as noticed the confused faces of the students around me. ----> good sentence!!!

The seconds seemed endless, and I cried with my face buried in my arms on the desk.

Whenever you use "and," "but," or "or" to connect 2 complete sentences, use a comma:
I began listening to rock and roll , and my appearance changed.

NICE job!! This is very "real," very refreshing.

...willing to exert every bit...

Undergraduate / Hard work and dedication for my future: PROFESSIONAL GOALS [6]

Hard work and dedication are ...

"From those to whom much is given, much is required."

Not many eighteen year-olds can say that they know exactly what they want to do for living, and that is what sets me apart from others who are my age. (Right here, give a sentence that names the career you want)

Therefore, my ultimate goal in life is to improve the lives of people worldwide. To be more specific, I am interested in, 1) Giving disabled people the passion to fight for their lives and lead a full life by sports has a very long way to go and complete; 2) Imparting the...

Keep them consistent: giving and imparting.

How about if you add one sentence to the end. Something very colorful and interesting that will stay in the reader's mind.

Book Reports / Compare/Contrast Two Shakespeare Plays. [2]

Well, don't rule out the points you want to discuss. Do you mean you are going through the plays taking note of the important points? If so, that is good. My advice is this:

Read one of the plays and enjoy it. When you make an interesting observation -- for example, that love among individuals is thwarted when groups practice hatred collectively -- you can type a sentence about it. Quote the play, and then see if you find a point of comparison in the other play. If so, write another sentence. Soon, you will have a paragraph, and that may be an important paragraph in your essay. It may even be the main idea and serve as the intro paragraph.

But the trick is to pull out ONE important idea and plat it like a seed by writing a single sentence. Paragraphs will follow until it unfolds into an essay.

Letters / Information Technology graduate - review my professional experience [2]

Very impressive accomplishments, very good organization. You had some awkward sentences, but here are my ideas:

...with six years 3 months of work experience in software industry.

Both My educational and professional experiences...

...as a trainee, a role that i nvoled application testing.

I have had constant growth from the commencement of my career until the present time . My biggest achievement was becoming a project lead withi n five years of the time joined the organization.

Speeches / "An experience that changed your life" speech presentation ideas? [8]

There are lots...

Even better would be:
Lots of amazing things that are waiting to be invented, things yet that could change lives everywhere. Something i would like to invent is a hair straitening brush. This hair straitening brush would have many talents functions.

Lets see some more! Compare it to other inventions, and tell about how it would work. Be funny as you explain the problems it will solve.

Undergraduate / U of M: describe your interests and aspirations in engineering. [12]

I think it is impressive to the reader when you refer back to something you said at the start. By the way, I think that boring first sentence should be more of a concern than the last sentence!! :-)

You said this:
Even so, I don't think I ever truly understood engineering well enough to say I aspired to be an engineer-until now.
So at the end you should say something about how you now understand it well enough to say with certainty that you intend to make this your area of expertise.

Poetry / where is the..? [7]

Punctuation can make it even better, but only if you like it:

I went everywhere and looked for those. ----> I added a period.

Semi-colon:
I raised the two black bags;
In that moment, every one knew what happened...

Undergraduate / proper paragraph formatting for application essays [3]

Good questions, it depends on the circumstances. If you are submitting via an online form, I think the above advice is correct. If you are submitting hard copy, 1 inch margins all the way around with a half inch indent with each paragraph, double-spaced, is good.

Oh, I notice you said the application won't let you indent... so... yes, I agree with the above advice, since you are submitting online. Good luck!!!!!!

Graduate / Essay on me being a pilot at the age of 17. Youngest in the country. [6]

As a child I always dreamt of flying and flying thousands of feet above land , looking down and experiencing the sensation ...

Good! Use commas... license, as I was not yet seventeen.

and...

Soon the required thirty-five hours of flying were completed , and I was ready for my solo flight.

I think you should condense the narrative and make room for some discussion of your clear plans for the future. Show them that you are knowledgeable and driven to succeed in their grad program.

Undergraduate / Aviation - Essay question for a job? I enjoy flying. I am a student pilot. [5]

Boring first sentence Don't allow any boring sentences, especially not the first.
:-)
"What sets you apart" should be something about your interests and abilities & this specific job. Can you help them to know some details... for example, can you discuss ATC skills by making examples of how you have eveloped those skills in your work experience? This is all about making connections.

You make connections between what you have done and what an ATC does, and in this way you prove that you deeply understand the task of ATC.

Undergraduate / "It's a Sign" + " Artistic Interpretation" [4]

Well, about the feedback, I saw some great feedback you gave, too. I am just in the habit of encouraging people to help each other more... and I notice you have a great style to share. I appreciate that sort of thing.

Oh, I also noticed this: longtime . It should be long time.

So under this circumstance, what do you suggest me to change about the structure?

Yes, subtlety is great! Sometimes in composition, though, you need to just let the reader know what you mean. That first paragraph is short, and there is room for a powerful sentence that says something about the concepts involved and not the actual experience. For example, you ... well, actually, what you wrote right here is great!! Through a humbling experience, I have learned how to understand and help those in need. ----> maybe put this at the end of the first paragraph? What do you think?

Scholarship / "Good citizenship comes from good scholarship." - U Washington,Seattle (Honors) [3]

Very good! When you start with that quote, though, tell who said it or where you heard it. I have never heard that expression.

Education trains the mind to think, instills morality, prepares people to contribute to society instead of detract from it, and frees the mind of prejudices. these are some ideas I thought of for you.

Hence, the phrase, "Goo d citizenship comes from good scholarship," truly has a very deep meaning to it which...

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

Could you be using paradigms to mean "representations" or "archetypes" or "symbols?"

This first sentence could use a little something...
Shakespeare's Measure for Measure explores morality and human nature. ----> say something bold, something CrAzY that the reader may not expect.

Hey, you have several different statements that could be the thesis statement. Which do you intend as the main idea for the essay. I think you should always be able to capture the main idea of an essay in a single sentence. That way, the essay becomes like a grand sermon on a single, powerful idea.

It is messed up that you have to write in order to prove you read something; that is not how essays are supposed to be, but in school it is necessary. But you write well enough to do a trick and make the essay serve a duel purpose. Even though you are showing that you read it...

Okay, my bad, I see that the last sentence of the first para is the thesis. Oh, I had not looked at the prompt. Give this thing a title that forwards a claim about Angelo, and you are all set. It's great!!

Faq, Help / How to post my essay with a graph? [14]

Hey, I cannot see any mistakes. The only concern should be whether you fulfilled the requirements set forth by the professor. Do you have any questions about this? You seem to understand perfectly.

As for the composition of it, I think you should give an intro paragraph that calls attention to the graph and raises questions about it. Tell the most important observation. Then, in the body paragraph, make all the observations. Finally in a brief conclusion, reflect on the implications. Leave the reader with "something extra" to consider.

Scholarship / Motivational essay for scholarship at cbs. [4]

I intend to study Finance, and I hope to do so at the Copenhagen School of Business.
Maybe that is better, or maybe not. What do you think?

This is because, firstly, I intend to work at...

This is great! You have such clear intentions, and that is impressive.

...not only benefit me but also the entire student body; would also benefit from the experiences I have obtained CBS can create a -------> (person for the now and future world) what does this mean? Revise this part.

I think these should be part of the same paragraph: at least a month. I assumed leadership... . you should put those two paragraphs together.

I think you should move this to the end to make a strong conclusion paragraph: My long-term plan is to work at ... duty I find myself.

Good luck! You are an important person, and I admire you. Excellent adventures are in your future, I think.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:External appearances can provide important clues to a person [6]

Many people believe that one should not judge the others by their external appearances.

First of all, I admit that we can not judge...

On the contrary, if a person wears big, old shirts or even pants that are not suitable for him or her, it may illustrate that the person is preoccupied with other things. The person could be addicted to something, or the person might be an enlightened master. In other words, the external appearances can help us to speculate about what a person really is, but we cannot draw any firm conclusions. though we can not judge the person just by the external appearances.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY--- The most important characteristic a friend should have [2]

I think you should tell the reader that your friend enabled you to complete the problems by teaching you. That way, it does not sound like you had him do your homework for you.

If, however, you have a helpful friend who is much very smart, he can use his knowledge, coming up with some advisable approaches to let you get out of the troubles.

At the moment, I found out how lucky I was...

or...

At the moment, I discovered how lucky I was...

I was learning from him throughout all my middle school years.

By doing this, I have grown up from an innocent and thoughtful boy to a thoughtful and competent adult who can handle things well. I have to say that, sometimes, I feel I have gained more from my friend that he gained from me.

Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

What do you mean by incorrect? There are different kinds of meter.

Listen to the words, having forgotten their meaning.
Sounds are soothing, stopping thinking, thumping rhythm
evening out my breathing like that tic-toc clock, and I -- wait a minute.
Stop. Make the reader wait. You control the meter, as the master of the song, where that line between music and poetry is blurry, and you have to be the one to make the call. Dis-rhythmic words are people too. So, don't let them impose rules on you. And if you want to be iambic, read a lot of Shakespeare, but you do not have to be iambic.

You get to express yourself with the meter that best conveys that feeling you are trying to share...

Undergraduate / International trip alone? [2]

Awesome! I like how you connected it to college at the end, great ideas. I wonder if your intended major has something to do with cultural exploration. If so, write all about it in that conclusion! Less details about the trip and more about how it reflects the person you are developing into.

It does not sound contrived; it may feel that way because you had a state of mind that was not so rhythmic when you wrote it. As you read it over, if rhythmic sentences come to mind, type them. You might start to feel better about it if you write a particularly rhythmic, flowing paragraph full of imagery or reflection.

Book Reports / King Lear essay tracing Lear's progress in Act 2 [24]

Just read it! :-) It is hard to understand, so use Sparknotes to get the general idea, but then really read it and enjoy it. Spend some time. It will enrich your personality and perspective like it has done for so many of us.

Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

Great job. Yes, you need to explain the bad grades. I agree that this is beautifully written. I think you might be able to make it better by doing a neat trick with your observation about the ugliness of the word:

If you write, in the intro, that you hesitate to use this as a topic because it is so negative, I think that will be extremely impressive. It shows such perspective, and it demonstrates how far-reaching the effects of rape can be.

Undergraduate / "You are good at everything." - Stanford Intellectual Vitality essay [5]

Thanks, Rebecca, for those corrections! I mean When I was born, I was just as accomplished as any other baby, so how have I become the person that I am today?

Unfortunately, much of this seems very self-indulgent. You can make it more impressive by saying your friend only thought you were good at "everything" because she happened to have seen you engaging in the activities to which you are best suited.

If you read about some of Gardener's famous work about "multiple intelligences," it might help you to find ideas for revising this to be more introspective...you can write about how some of the kinds of intelligence your friend had are weak areas for you. Show the reader that you are aware of your limitations and trying to transcend them.

Undergraduate / What I Did When I Ran Away From Home [7]

Excellent! Thanks. I recently had the idea that people can be contributors, and then a collection of the help they have given will be available through their profile page... so it is a great way to help others and also have an excellent portfolio to show people when you apply for jobs or college, etc.

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern (is it personal enough?) [3]

You might have mixed up two expressions... I think it is "fifth wheel."

It is better, I think, not to start with not:
I will not only gain an understanding of ...

Very good, I think you can go into more detail about your specific plans for the future, and maybe even cite articles by anthropologists whom you admire. You write very well, and I bet you will do very well as a cultural anthropologist.

Undergraduate / UC #1 Family influence: Bioengineering [3]

I felt puzzled as I stared up at the strange ...

In my mind, I imagined the contraption

Maybe use a different example, someting other than "why are bowls round?" Use a complex, fascinating example instead.

I hope to help the development of an artificial limb with motor nerves or a prosthetic eye for patients with glaucoma.----> excellent, very important! Write less of the vague ideas about your general interests, and write more about this specific one. Go read 2 articles about what is happening with it, and cite the work of the authors. Make a predicition about what advancements will have taken place when you graduate... give more details about this.

:)

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplementary Essay #2-Sudoku The Roommate Message [6]

You can't be sorry in advance for being late! Ha ha, or maybe you can in some weird way.. but it sounds weird... :-)

How about a dash here:
...go here or there -- but to me every puzzle, every number, every single one of the 81 squares is an adventure.

This is great, and the reader will enjoy it. I think, though, that you can use Sudoku in order to lead into explaining a few other aspects of your personality. That would make the essay feel complete.

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer - Working at A&F - criticism welcome! [2]

Excellent, it is great that work feels like a party. Remember in the future, when you have jobs that are not as fun, to continue approaching every day like a party.

Maybe you can make a powerful theme of this... a theme of engaging life directly with a positive attitude. I think you should scrap the first sentence.. and omit parts that convey the "superficial" nature of the mall, full of consumers and advertisers. I think you should acknowledge these things, and express to the reader a theme of keeping a positive attitude, and keeping life like a sacred sort of party.

Book Reports / Picture of Dorian Gray literary essay; Dorian's Internal Suicide [5]

Your MLA is correct, you write beautifully... I suggest, though, an explanatory sentence between the first 2 sentences. Your 1st sentences raises a question, "what does he mean by 'illuminate'?"... so, give one short sentence of explanation there before introducing the title of Wilde's work.

Adding that sentence will give definition to your thesis. The first paragraph is like the essays'h head, where the brain is. It's most important, so add definition. You already write very well, please consider being an EF_Contributor! :)) (looks good on applications).

The conclusion paragraph should have less summary and more reflection... in fact, it seems that you need one more paragraph -- a conclusion to reflect on the main idea you conveyed in the brain of the essay.

Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Essay: Personal Narrative on career decision [2]

You know, what my first thought was? I thought, I would not want my surgery to be performed by someone who is an avid go-kart racer.

That is terrible of me, though, because it revealed to me a prejudice I have. I guess I associate racing with recklessness, and recklessness does not go with surgery! However, I am so wrong, because in racing you need to be absolutely focused on crucial moments, and this is very important.

I wonder if other people have the same prejudice as me... if you talk to other people, and find out they feel put off by this theme of surgery and go-kart racing. If others have the same prejudice as I have, I think you should make an argument on behalf of the idea that the best surgeons might be the ones who were go-kart racers in their youths. that would be an interesting argument, sure to win the reader over.

Undergraduate / Obsession with time - Stanford Roomate short essay response [5]

This can sometimes become problematic, as I find just relaxing extremely difficult.

Lots of people find relaxing difficult. It is important to practice! Possibly the most important thing is the ability to mitigate restlessness and get into rhythm with life.

Your focus on time, motor sports, and difficulty relaxing all give this essay a feeling of hyper, scattered energy. It might be good to BALANCE the "racing" relationship to time with another use of time... one that helps you to slow down and study. Demonstrate to them that you have gained some insight into the way to manage your relationship to time. Maybe the reader will learn something important! :-)

Writing Feedback / Arguementative/Persuasive essay on camping [2]

How about "camping can take many forms" instead of "definitions?"

Camping to one person can mean seclusion in the middle of a forest; to another,camping is time spent in a motor home with all the amenities of their house, including the kitchen sink.

The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has posted on their website, epa.gov/iaq/pubs/insidest.html, that approximately

Usually, no video games being played, no soccer practice to attend , and no business projects to worry about.

Cooking over a fire makes burgers and potatoes taste better than can be food found at any restaurant.

Campers need to think out their meals thoroughly prior to making a trip.

I hope no vegetarian admissions professionals feel resentment because of all the references to eating animals!

Hey, your experience of camping sounds like the experiece of mediation and mindfulness practice... thinking about your food ahead of time. slowing down... that is a kind of meditation!

Flushable toilets, warm showers, central heating and air, and even the absence of bugs accompanying the sleeping camper are some of the luxuries that are missed the most.

No matter if the camping is Whether experienced in a tent or in a luxury camper, getting outside in the wilderness can provide a meditative experience for anyone. lifetime of memories. Camping has something for everyone.

Undergraduate / "My Mission Trip" - UF prompt [3]

Graciously , I walked over to ...

I think you should also talk about the part time job you held during your process of raising money; some readers may be put off by part about solicitation of money from everyone you know... even though you were a kid, it would be good to emphasize the active role you took in making money for the trip... just for a sentence or so.

All your admissions essays should be focused on expressing to the reader that you have a well-defined, clear vision for your future. No one has the audacity to deny admission to someone whose life is all planned out. :-) So, at the end, it will be great if you make a connection with your intentions for college and beyond.

Undergraduate / a six month old embryo in a jar...? personal statement [7]

I think you should write "him" or "her" instead of "it." This will show more appreciation for the significance... it is not important to be accurate about the gender, but to acknowledge her humanity.

Unlike her, I have seen...

This is very abstract, but a good kind of abstract. I think you should add a middle paragraph in which you explain the circumstances, the details of where you were... not too many details, but make the reader understand for sure what the experience was.

Near the end, tell specifically what personality characteristics this experience brought out in you.

Undergraduate / Life goals from a liberal arts education [2]

From Spiderman to FDR to Jesus, we have all...

I think the paragraph about pro-athletes does not fit. Cut, cut, cut! :) remove that whole para, and what is left will be The first and third, which talk about helping but lack examples. examples, examples, examples! :-)

That is what I think. Let's give this a strong theme, and not talk about too many different things.

You have more work to do. It says you are supposed to write about how the liberal arts program will help you with your goals. so you have to write about those specific things. You should try to seem like a passionate expert in your chosen field, even if you are not sure yet. Seem eccentric!

Undergraduate / My answers for some application profile questions [5]

Oh... transportation and distribution. I like your idea. You should read a few articles about this, and see what solutions are offered. Mention them here.

I like the humor in the second one! It brought me closer to other Muslims and my family, but I also benefited in an unexpected way. Being so hungry that I could not concentrate on my regular workload, I took a month off from...

You are funny and smart.

Undergraduate / "More than meets the eye" - essay for Chicago U. [4]

I am never complacent of façades.

...but I have a theory to explain human behavior.

I don't just hear; I actively listen.

I like the abstract way you think. It reminds the reader that we are having an experience that is quite surprising.

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

Well, obviously you have some mastery of language and rhythm. I disagree with the person that said this was off-rhythm; some people are not sensitive to the same rhythms as other people. And an allegation of "intellectual fraud" raises a question of what fraudulent steps you supposedly took, what false claims or deceptive moves you made. If I accuse someone of intellectual fraud, I should give some evidence instead of relying on fancy, ambiguous terms.

About the poem...this is a bad idea. Their essay prompt calls for a discussion of your specific goals. While I do not agree with the flamboyant criticism this other guy gives, I do agree that you are going to have to write an essay. However, a few lines of poetry at the end might be a nice touch. Also, a few of these lines can be converted into very rhythmic and clever prose. But give concrete examples of your professional goals, and give clear explanations of them.

Undergraduate / Chinese Chess - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay. Currently overlength )): [3]

fifteen instead of 15.

Don't say "under me," because it sounds a little haughty.

I think you can come up with a better intro... "weak in math" does not go with "under three years old."

Take that first paragraph as an opportunity to express the central meaning of the essay.

Oh, great accomplishments, sounds like you are an intuitive teacher. The last 2 paragraphs are very impressive.