Writing Feedback / "King of the Jungle - story feedback [5]

A group of tourists lowered their heads as they were driving into the jungle hoping to find something to photograph . Then The ride came to a sudden halt.

"Hey, you people must be the tourists (what would he really say ?), I am sorry to say we cannot ...

Wow, you will get very good at this, I think. I believe that it would be better if you used some word other than "tourists" to describe the group. Tourists don't think of themselves as tourists, even when they are taking a tour. That is just a suggestion; I am not sure what else you could call them... ?

For dialogue, use a comma before the " marks:
"Yes Amir, please remember you are the younger one, " said Salman as he packed the exotic tiger skin in his bag. "Alright, I will see you at the airport. Later, Amir, " said Salman.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

Very interesting thoughts! Well, being a physician is very different work from being an engineer.

You have to decide what you want to actually DO every day. You may envision yourself as an engineer, but is that the kind of work you would like to DO? As a graphic design artist... why major in it? You can learn everything from playing with Photoshop? Get excited about an academic program that will enable you to make a living by doing something you will look forward to every day. I think, for you, that might be something that involves working with people. As a RN, you can make $27/hour while you try to decide what to do when you grow up! And nurses are always in demand... :) However, with that much education you may as well become a physician. How about you start with nursing and then go to med school. Maybe you will decide that you love Chinese or Indian medicine...

Get a high-paying job so you can have the time and money to explore art, graphic design, animation, Literature or astronomy.

Research Papers / Drinking age, lowering age to 18 - research paper [21]

Before you use that as your thesis, you have to decide if it is really your opinion. What if you could sign a bill to make that change right now. You can expect that the added freedom you are providing to many 18-20 year-olds will cost some of them their lives.

Or do you think that keeping it illegal does not prevent many of them from driving while drunk? Perhaps more of them would be driving drunk if they were legally allowed to drink. Because they just got their licenses, so they perhaps want to be cool about things and not get an MIP charge. So, I think lowering the age will get a lot of kids killed, and I disagree with you. Raise the age to 30, because that is a good time to start drinking. Drinking takes a lot out of you when you are supposed to be... high-achieving or something. Building a career.

These are some thoughts to get you started. What could possibly be the benefit of letting kids drink when they are supposed to be taking their educations?

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]


Not "their very existence," but instead ... no, actually, the way you have it seems great. I see what you mean about how their existence shows that. But you must say something about the authors' intended meanings! hat can you say to expand on the thesis statement? Restate the thesis and EXPAND on it. That notion is new to me, actually. I always thought the thesis should be repeated and driven home in the last para... not EXPANDED. But go on and expand your thesis now. :)

Grammar, Usage / How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence. [14]

Yes, that is part of the benefit of it. And it doesn't take a lot of time to do a few reviews of essays each week. Thanks!!

Poetry / Poetry about the Enron Scandal [7]


What!? Don't knock it out; add more in. That is what I meant. Throw in a few words that make you see something. When you mention in your writing, for example, a blue ant... the reader really sees one in the mind.

Writing Feedback / GED Practice essay: Do you think people learn from their mistakes? [7]


Don't capitalize that word "those." There are two kinds of people: those that ...

Also: those that view them as stepping stones to...

Yes, if you want to get a better score, put a good, solid, thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

See, this kind of thing -- Finally, I'd like to say that people do learn from their mistakes. And those that don't, should. -- it does not help. It IS kind of cool, though. But you can't use it. It expresses your personality in a cool ay, but the GED essay is not the time for that. In place of that, expand on the thesis you gave at the end of the first para.

What should your thesis be? Have an argument with someone about this philosophical issue, and whatever is the best insight/idea you come up with should be your thesis.

Speeches / A persuasive speech on discrimination [6]

Yes, what you mentioned about quality sources with no chocolate inside them... There is a reason for using scholarly, peer-reviewed journals. Use Questia or Jstr or some other source of journal articles. See what people have most recently written? When you get familiar with following scholarly progress in one area or another... it is like an ongoing conversation. If you read a good article, it will have a little review of other literature that has been recently contributed -- like at the beginning of a TV program, when they show you what happened in last week's episode.

Poetry / "Parting Gift" poem [9]

Hey, good news for me. Sean's advice for you improved my own perspective on poetry a lot. I actually did not agree with what he said about giving it punctuation... I use punctuation in my own poetry, but it seems unnecessarily cumbersome.

However, seeing your poem with and without punctuation, I see that the punctuation fortifies it and makes it... full, or something. It makes it substantial, like it's wearing a suit. Poetry without punctuation... maybe ... it does not have the confidence to assert itself. I like it better this way.

Essays / Mary Louise Pratt, "Arts of the Contact Zone" [4]


Add at least 2 more sentences to this first paragraph. Tell the reader about some interesting insight from considering your own memory of an experience with a contact zone...considering it after reading Pratt's essay. Let the reader know what kind of experience you will be describing, Pratt said about that sort of contact zone, and what you think about it all.

After that, go on to the body paragraphs.

Hey, I see that what you have written of this is very good!! You have unfinished stuff, though, like: This was important because it taught...?

Just strengthen that first paragraph and tie up loose ends! :)

Writing Feedback / 500 word image essay (Black Hair Report) [4]

The poem "Black Hair" by Gary Soto describes the speaker when he was an eight-year-old boy admiring baseball and player Hector Moreno.

This first line does not make me interested. I just gave some advice here https://essayforum.com/writing-3/art-paper-elizabeth-murray-6391/ that I hope you will also read. Give the essay a theme that is mentioned at the beginning, middle, and end. A real, memorable insight about the work.

In conclusion , the three images...

And Meshaal mentioned this sort of thing:
...and bit my arm through the late innings, "s hows the boy becoming more anxious, and the game growing intensely."

Good luck!! Show that you gave deep consideration to the author's meaning.

Writing Feedback / Art Paper - Elizabeth Murray [4]

This is a nice bio. However, you did not say anything in that first paragraph to get me to care. If I am not already familiar with her work, it is YOUR work in that first paragraph that has to get me to care.

Then, at the end of that first paragraph, write a thesis statement: an original observation about her. What is YOUR particular message about her? Got any insightful observations? You say, "Like many artists her paintings were reflected around her life, household and surroundings," so... what does that mean with regard to the way she paints a collision between order and disorder? What are the implications? This is where you bring your writing to life.

Writing Feedback / We can't negative wholly benefit from nuclear technology [5]


"Passive" does not quite work. "Destructive" maybe?

The most obvious negative impact of nuclear technology on our life is the use of nuclear power to destroy things of which mankind never thought .

Hiroshima and Nagasaki were totally destroy and burnt to the ground with 210,000 victims.

"Passive" does not mean what you think it means. "Passive" means that you do nothing and let things happen without interfering. You seem to think "passive" means "destructive." Change this sentence:

Although it is true that nuclear technology has destructive potential , if we can use it judiciously we will be much benefited.

Good luck! Do not be discouraged. Your English is 90% perfect already, and it will get even better. Read many books that that you have read in your native language and that have been translated into English. That helps, I bet!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Parents are the best teachers (Devotion and penetration) [8]

Hey, I see that Ned said all the things I was going to say! Alright, well, here is my best help:

What are the most important factors determining the quality of a teacher?

And once they do , they know how you feel, what you need and what teaching is best for you.

For brief, lacking insight about you, teachers cannot always find the best solution for teaching you; lacking also the devotion that can be expected from parents , they do not have motivation to find that best methods and to teach wholeheartedly. Accordingly, our parents, who have both of those are original teachers , can really teach us best.

I don't know if I agree. When kids go to learn from a person outside the family, they have fewer preconceived ideas, take on a formal attitude, and generally prepare themselves for a learning experience. When parents try to teach, it may be hard for the kid to shift into a new state of mind.

Writing Feedback / Suxanne - a story about one of my dreams [3]

Days or nights, there are no differences to me now. My world is dark, and it can't be darker. Dead black rats are everywhere, yellowish pukes as drawing on the walls, bed wet with piss, maggots scattered on the left over and shit filled in the hole unflushed . All the smells conquer the surrounding air, suffocate me and make it hard to breath.

threatened my sanity ...

...smooth as china silk; she had a sharp...

but the thing that surprised me the most was Harry: he still had not arrived, although it was already 6.40pm.

AHHHH!!!! I screamed at the top of my lungs.

...except for the girl of my life, the reason of I am where I am now, SUXANNE.

This is SO impressive, because I can tell that your English is still not perfect. You use colloquialisms wrong sometimes, like "scream at the top of my lungs," but that just shows what a great writer you are. What field are you going into? You hould be a translator and a writer. I am very impressed.

Writing Feedback / "the chase" story [4]


Wow, great writing here. It made me go back and read again. I sort of want to know what happens next, but I have to put it out of my mind and continue my work. I think you should use a period after "scream" and start a new sentence, though.

You write very well!

Poetry / Poetry about the Enron Scandal [7]


I love this stuff above! It's great poetry. Below is a paragraph that can be revised to include more of the imagery -- colorful adjectives to create mental pictures.

One trader asked ... their bonuses accrue.

I am impressed with this.

Essays / Stephen King essay (three body paragraphs subject) [7]

How about developing the thesis statement after you have put together some body paragraphs? After writing 3 paragraphs about him, you will be better qualified to write a thesis argument.

King is different from other writers. Instead of writing with the end in mind, he thinks of a "what if" situation... like, what if all the cars, trucks, and machines took on minds of their own and started killing people.

For inspiration, read his book called On Writing. It is part biographical. Your thesis must be specific and meaningful... like... "King says that he writes for the sake of writing, without any motivation to forward any particular theme (see On Writing), but in actuality the theme of ________ is covered in a meaningful way in three of his novels."

Writing Feedback / Essay to Compare and Contrast Two members of Your Family [5]


Ahhh!! That is harsh. Parents are people, too. How would you like to have your mom say she prefers your sister over you!? You do not have to choose a preference. It's not all about you. Don't let your dad see the first draft of this essay! :) Also, why don't you get a part time job to help pay for your books, so that your mom does not have to work overtime?

As a compare/contrast essay, this is supposed to show similarities and differences, but right now you show only differences. Oops, I take that back; I see that you do cover similarities.

"Mindset" is one word.

Such complication isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it just shows how different people are.

How are you able to judge your dad as immature when he is so much older than you? You say that he thinks you just want to go party and shirk your responsibilities, and that he has good intentions for you. It sounds like he is the one who is tough on you, and your mom is the one who is more permissive. Naturally, you prefer the one who is permissive.

Please don't be offended; my job is to give my reaction to the essay, so that you know how it affects the reader. Now that I finished reading the essay, I realize that your dad might be so emotionally abusive and negligent that this essay is appropriately harsh. If that is the case, though, and you want to give such a harsh critique of your dad, I think it is important to back up those claims with evidence (for credibility). However, it is NOT necessary for you to focus the essay on your opinions of him or her; rather, focus on similarities and differences.

I have seen compare/contrast essays that give a point by point comparison, and I have seen compare/contrast essays that describe one of the things and then the other. Yours gives one para to differences and one to similarities, and that seems cool, too. I just think you should come to a better conclusion than just to say that you prefer one to the other. In fact, in your conclusion para, you do not even say that. Your whole last sentence should be cut out, because it does not make sense or relate to the comparison in the essay.

Draw a conclusion based on the dynamic teamwork of these two very different personalities.

Undergraduate / a paragraph that updates my activity in a waitlist letter. [7]

Great! Good luck, I hope it is well-received.

Writing Feedback / Psychology Concepts applied to the real world [5]

...taught them to sew their clothes...

She stayed very close to her sister and brought her along so that they could live and work together.

Wow, yeah, as one long paragraph this is difficult to manage. Use one paragraph for each idea in your essay.

It's weird that they have you apply the concepts to the "real world" by looking at fictitious movies.

Any diagnostic ideas other than MDD? Probably the prof would like to see more ideas than that.

My most important advice is the advice Sean already gave: use paragraphs! Say the main thought in the first sentence of a paragraph, then explain it, and then conclude the paragraph with a reiteration of the main point stated in the first sentence of that paragraph (conclusion sentence) OR with mention of something from the first sentence of the following paragraph (transition).

Undergraduate / 'Off of an auto-pilot' - Bentley University Transfer Essay [6]

I was thinking the same thing about the FIRST sentence. What goal were you achieving when the principal said this?

...said the principal of my school as I slowly made my way to achieve my last goal. Right then and there, I realized that this is where everything begins, and that this is where I need to take myself off of autopilot and drive manually.

Now... what will you be bringing to the campus?

Writing Feedback / "Who Swims with the Tuna" by Quammen and "Riches of the Sea" by Scully [3]

well-ro unded and well-wri tten ...

Here is my advice. Make a list of the 7 topic sentences in this (the first sentence of each paragraph), and reflect on it. Google "argumentative essay" and "compare and contrast essay" and decide which you want to write. I would do an argumentative essay, and really make my topic sentences convey a strong argument. You are taking an approach that, while it does assert an opinion, is still more like a compare and contrast essay.

I think this will get a great grae as it is, but my advice above might help you some time in the future.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay -Why go to university (career preparation, self-actualization) [7]

Hey, this is very good. Revise for conciseness:

Nowadays, more and more people choose to enter university or college after they have completed the study in high school. Different people do so for different reasons.

Firstly, let us look What is the most important thing for almost people in the future? I assert that it is a stable profession.

Only say powerful things, meaningful things. You write well, buut if you are going to cover self-actualization you should mention A. Maslow and show that you know what it is. It is something specific, so Google it. This essay has a lot of potential!

Grammar, Usage / Can I get away with recycling an old paper for a new assignment? [9]

I moved your question to a new thread, because all questions must have their own threads. You are supposed to help some other members by giving peer reviews if you want help with your own project. I'll help you now, because it is due at 2AM, but you owe us some peer reviews for other members. :) Go give some advice.

As for your question, I don't know if I understand it because you seem to have put so little effort into typing it! Do you mean to ask whether it is okay to re-use an old essay that you perhaps used in high school? I would say that defeats the purpose of college.

Instead of giving up, try to enjoy this as you would if you were someone who never had any chance to go to school, and who is very excited about this opportunity to write an essay. All you need to do is read an article or chapter of something for inspiration. Get ready to write, and then read an article about your subject. Soon, you will be writing. Look at other discussions in EssayForum for ideas about how to get it written quickly and painlessly.

Undergraduate / a paragraph that updates my activity in a waitlist letter. [7]


This part is not so good. It does not go with the rest of the essay, and I doubt it helps present you in a positive light.

The rest of this is great, though! Except... I want to offer an idea for the opening paragraph:

I find C engineering to be amongst the top engineering programs in the world, so if a spot does indeed open up for me, I will immediately enroll. I intend to hold my place on the waiting list, because C University remains my absolute first choice university.

Writing Feedback / counselling essay [2]

I would often judge people on assumptions I had been brought up with.

Since starting college, I have started looking beyond the person and seeing that everyone is an individual with different wants and needs.

For example, in the past I would just assume a homeless person was a bad person who wasted their life out of choice, (this part does not present you in a positive light .) but now I tend not to judge. and think They are not in any way infer ior to any less of a person than me, and sometimes people are in situations not through their own choice. (And sometimes they DO choose the simple lifestyle, because they are free thinkers who would rather not sell any of their hours of life time. In general, this part makes you seem like a shallow thinker.)

However, I know you are a deep thinker, because the rest of this is fantastic. It is all very concise and pleasant to read. I learned a lot, too! So, thanks!!

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

In the dim light I could barely make out the sign at the end of the hallway: "Debriefing room." An arrow pointed left.

That is a suggestion, above. Everything seems fine, though! You write very well. Maybe you can ask your question in a different way so we can understand what you mean; like Sean said, the perspective does not change the verb tense.

I look, he looks, she looks, we look, they look
I looked, he looked, she looked, they looked, we looked.

Undergraduate / I need help review this essay ("the greatest goal you hope to achieve") [3]

Please give a little bit more substantial help to other members! Then, I'll spend time helping with your essay.

Essays / Creating an introduction and thesis - genetic engineering hazards essay [9]

Sounds good! The first paragraph should be specific about what practices you are talking about -- because genetic engineering is a broad subject. That is, I think, what Sean meant.

Regarding the other question:

That sounds like something you could probably find in a textbook or with a bit of searching through articles on the subject. If this is for a research paper, try trade journals, if that is an acceptable source according to your instructor.

Undergraduate / An Essay on university admission -UG (myself, family, school interests) [9]

I have always believed in competition and survival of the fittest.
What do you mean by that? Some people will think that you find fulfillment in what Mill called the "will to power." Or maybe it was Nietzsche. Anyway, to "believe in" survival of the fittest makes you seem like someone who would buy into stuff like... like, that is what Anton Leveigh's silly satanic philosophy is all about -- finding meaning in being able to conquer others. For that reasn, I don't know if it is a good first line for the essay... :(

Excelling in any field requires one to equip himself or herself with the best skills available imparted from and the best education.

Don't capitalize Endeavour.

Try reading each paragraph and giving each a label. Paragraph 2 might be labeled "University of Bradford." Paragraph 3 might be labeled "business in my blood." In this way, you can whether or not your ideas are presented in a logical order. (By the way, I think short paragraphs like 2 and 3 should be combined and given a common theme. For example business was in your blood, so you attended Bradford.)

Keep working at this! Good luck!

Poetry / "Parting Gift" poem [9]

I don't know, that probably is supposed to say "born," not barn. The "o" is far away from the "a" on the keyboard! :)

The so long at the beginning and end is really impressive. It makes this a great accomplishment. If I had come up with that, I would have been so happy.

This is the sort of poem that got me interested in playing the guitar... because it deserves to be put to music. Poetry is music, so you really should enhance it with the use of instruments. That is an insight I had a few years ago. I especially think that the variations of "gone" "born" and "thrown" will sound cool as song lyrics. One more thing:

This makes profound observation of, and conveys and experience of... something. But what, exactly, is it? You have the ability to make this poem stand for a specific experience.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay - Effect of Presidential Election [4]

Yeah, don't use the forum quite that way. It should not be a resource the enable students to avoid having to think hard.

This forum has something in common with online classes: The use of technology can make complacency possible just as easily as it makes enhancement-of-learning possible.

However, getting started is one of the hardest parts of writing, so it is reasonable for people to seek help in that regard. Try self-hypnosis. I sometimes make an assertion to myself that I enjoy writing, and that I enjoy art in general. I'd sit with a coffee and consciously let go of the concerns I have for the day so that I could enjoy reading about the election. Soon, I'd have an impulse to write something.

Don't try to force it; just set up a situation that will make you inclined to write.

You can enjoy sitting with good posture.

Remember that the goal is NOT to convey how you were actually affected by the election. Your job is to impress them by writing this response in a thoughtful, informed way.

You definitely have to spend time learning about the election and the issues in order to write this in an impressive way.

Grammar, Usage / Referencing question concerning Harvard Referencing style [6]

Josephus, F. (1987). The Works of Josephus: Complete and Unabridged. William Whiston, trans. Massachusetts: Hendrickson Publishers.

This is how I would do it, but it might not be consistent with what is expected at your school. Check out:

knol.google.com/k/norman-creaney/how-to-use-the-harvard-styl e-of/1hzaxtdr9c09g/14#

Graduate / SOP for MS in Digital electronics field [2]

...so that I can get ample exposure to the technological advances and allow myself to contribute to its immense development in modern trend.

Looks like the essay needs an intro paragraph where you mention the school you have been studying at and your overall intentions as a scholar and professional. Can you muster up a great intro paragraph to tack on to the beginning?

Don't capitalize lwords that are not proper nouns:
Since childhood, besides academics I have been participating in various co curricular activities like elocution, quizzes, and debates on social, political, and economic issues. mostly

Cricket tournaments and won some prizes which built in me the confidence. In my engineering study I have participated in various competitions like group discussions and technical quizzes.

I think you should reread each paragraph, think of the main point of the paragraph, and write a sentence to tack onto the beginning of it: a topic sentence that tells the reader what the paragraph is about (in an interesting way).

Good luck!!!!!!

Grammar, Usage / A DIFFERENT way to say "going towards" [18]

mankind has exhibited a trend characterized by laziness...

mankind has been developing a trend where laziness...

Writing Feedback / Education Playground -- letters after your name [3]


I got confused when I read this. I realize now that you mean to say "a part of" rather than "apart," and that helps me to understand.

In this first paragraph you say that serving children's needs WAS important to you, that you were like part of the family, and that... something about people getting letters after their names: As for the persons attempting to "rub it in" (what does this mean? They are gloating about having degrees?) completed a BA, a BS, or a PHD and your here to aide are as challenging and distracting as the students at times. (Now you need to add one more sentence to this first paragraph -- a thesis statement that powerfully conveys your main argument.

I agree with you; degrees create false senses of pride, and they cause people to put the degree holder on a pedestal where they are given more credit than they have earned. On the other hand, it is hard to earn a degree! It is too bad that education is so expensive these days; many people would have degrees if they could afford them. I think you would sound more credible if you mentioned the financial factors that make the merit of degrees questionable. Also, though, I like the fact that your approach seems to say that the degree is nothing compared to the authentic desire to make a contribution.

Let's see some more of the essay! :)

Writing Feedback / Holocaust Essay (genocide subject) [5]

the psychopathic foundation on which the Holocaust and its' perpetrators were based on .

For helping you to write this in a way that captures the awful lesson taught to historians by the Holocaust, you might add the word "we" here:

just a few words - it, them, we - we allowed...

... and in this way you can expound the holocaust as a reminder about our collective responsibility to act against evil. Evil occurs when good people do nothing, as the saying goes. That is one of the awful morals behind the story of holocaust history.

Undergraduate / An Essay on university admission -UG (myself, family, school interests) [9]


Ask that question to the people who will be judging it; it's always good to call the admissions office and chat, make a good impression, etc.

Also, when deciding what to include, reconsider your purpose. This applies in all aspects of life, not just writing. Your purpose is to make them see greatness in you, and that means you need to get in touch with what seems "great." Your first paragraph seems great, because it shows that at 18 you are in touch with the competitive nature of the world at 18 years old. However, it is not great to start out by telling your age, because that is sort of arbitrary. However, you can keep it this way and use that mention of your age:

My name is Nickunj Bansal and I am an 18-year-old business aspirant. Despite my youth, I already feel the pressure of today's fast paced ever changing world, where everyone is always competing for the...

Here is a part that is not great, because it has superfluous words:

To be more specific i need to learn more specific things about business.

Now, I would like to see if you can establish a main theme -- perhaps the pressure from this competitive world -- and describe your experiences within the framework of that competitive pressure. You can use the sports, the business aspirations, etc., all to show your sense of competition. You can describe your values by telling how you need to be able to be competitive in order to provide for loved ones and make a real contribution.

The conclusion seems incomplete, because it has not main theme to refer back to. If you use a solid theme, such as "aspiring businessperson all too aware of the competition in this world," you can reflect and expand on that in th conclusion.

I wish you luck!!

Grammar, Usage / How to use quotation marks at the end of a sentence. [14]

FDeacon, it is pretty impressive that you know that! I have nothing to add to your explanation, other than to admit that I learned something new from it as well. I think I will adhere to the UK English way, which, as you pointed out, is more useful!

FDeacon, for everyone's benefit, please check out the EF Contributors Page.