Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: lessons with teachers versus others sources [8]

You do agree. You wrote that you think teachers are important, and you backed it up with good points.

That is your main idea, which should be put forth in the first paragraph. In elaborating on the title, you give the thesis statement and explain it.

Then, in the body of the essay, you make your supporting arguments. At the end, you restate the thesis, and summarize your arguments from the body of the essay.

Does that help answer your questions?

Undergraduate / An Essay on university admission -UG (myself, family, school interests) [9]

Use a spell checker, watch out for punctuation and capitalization, and try to organize this around a main theme. Your main theme is creativity in competition.

Write an intro paragraph about creativity in competition, and do not mention World of Warcraft in that first paragraph.

When you write a paragraph, express the main idea in the first sentence, and then explain it in the following sentences.

Avoid superfluous phrases like "long story short" and "to start things off."

Do not cover multiple ideas in a single paragraph. Each paragraph is for one main idea.

Try putting these idea in a different order. I look forward to the next draft. Remember to make this essay all about one main idea that you mention in both the first and last paragraph.

Essays / The best way of adding depth to an essay [9]

When teachers say "depth," they mean analysis. You should challenge them to articulate themselves better, like they challenge you. They should add depth to their feedback, instead of being so general.

What they want is hard to explain. A superficial essay just tells about a book or film or whatever you are writing about. A deep essay says something unique, something that others might even disagree with, something particular to you -- and it shows that you are being affected by the subject.

As an example of superficial and deep writing, read a few movie reviews online. Some reviews just tell about the movie, while others challenge it, critique it, consider the implications. You can tell what is deep.

Essays / Esteban - Thesis statement for an arguementative essay [3]

I had to do some research to figure out what story you are talking about:

Gabriel Garcia Marquez's short story "The Handsomest Drowned Man in the World"

I do not know the story, but your thesis seems clear. You are saying that the townspeople has weird superstition involving it. I am guessing that this is the main theme of the story. If so, it cannot be the main theme of your essay. Your thesis should give a unique perspective, not an obvious one. Can you write a thesis statement that perhaps no one has written before about this story?

Speeches / Class Office Speech (strange high school traditions) [2]

Then...it's toga day!

and the most-anticipated senior prank.

You write very well, and you do not seem preachy or offensive in any way. It's great! I think you could appeal to various cliques and demographics by mentioning a few key names -- names of kids with whose accomplishments and contributions many other kids can identify. Know what I mean?

Write sentences that would get you excited if you were the reader. The best way to do that is to mention names, teams, clubs, classes -- anything that makes kids say, "Hey, this is about the (team, club, class) that I am in!" That get people excited.

Undergraduate / a paragraph that updates my activity in a waitlist letter. [7]

Always cut to make writing better:

I continued to participate in the activities of my interest over the past few months. I have noted in my application that I was appointed as the TDSB (Toronto District School Board) student delegate to the Better School, Brighter Future conference in November.

Perhaps you should add a new opening sentence in place of the one I cut (about continuing to participate in activities of your interest.


No! Actually, this sentence is interesting; it leads me to visualize you in front of lots of students on many occasions. I almost want to recommend that you find a way to make this your opening line.

The opening line is so important, not just to catch the reader's attention but also to get you inspired to write.

I am excited to discover that the need to understand and cooperate about keeping pace with the changing doctrines of time and technology and the need to about reaching out into the global network of today's (name of field of interest). are not only the essences of a good educational system, but also the wisdom to achieving any long wanted success


No, not weird, but I think it should be the first sentence of a new paragraph. Is this all one long paragraph? Use 2 or 3 paragraphs.

Furthermore , I became an equity ambassador in early April and proudly took on the mission to build a community in which all are (is?) equal.

"are" is right. I hope you have success with this!! Sounds like you are a motivated, inspired person.

Letters / Appeal letter - Goals, Good Intentions, Seeking Reevaluation [7]

I hope you get to do what you want to do! If you have a clear vision of what you want to do, you'll succeed!

Writing Feedback / Many people regret that they had not attended a university, but none regret that have a degree [4]

This whole first paragraph is all one sentence. Maybe you should give that first paragraph a few sentences:

People attend university for various reasons, like seeking new experiences, preparing for a career, increasing knowledge, meeting new people, specializing in a field, changing the city that they were born in, making their parents proud, to be out of the parents' eyes and many, many other reasons.

That (above) was alright before I changed it, but I am just showing you how to make it better.

This essay is great, great English. It is better English than some people who grew up speaking English. However, I disagree with this part below:


You are only thinking of people in some parts of the world; this statement is not true of people in many places. Also, it is not relevant to the focus of the essay. The essay is about WHY people attend, and it is not about whether or not people are able to attend.

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

This is great! I hope you are able to incorporate it into the essay. Here is some help with the way to use commas in order to include an extra clause in a sentence:

The message of Paul Simon's composition "My Little Town" is that, no matter how far one goes, it is impossible to escape the past.

There is a pause after "that" and after "goes," and it serves to distinguish this extra clause in the sentence. Commas are used this way in order to accommodate clauses that are "not essential to the meaning of the sentence."

I hope that you, a thoughtful student, have good luck with this excellent essay.

Grammar, Usage / Referencing question concerning Harvard Referencing style [6]

Goodhorn, S. (1998). Title of book here, London: Penguin.

I totally agree with Sean, and actually someone else gave me the same advice about Harvard. Harvard style, to me, means: APA style with weird variations specific to the school.

Essays / Creating an introduction and thesis - genetic engineering hazards essay [9]

I think of the intro as a place to: intrigue the reader with an interesting sentence as the very first line; implant a few main ideas about the topic, which in this case would be the controversial practices in genetic engineering; boldly state my thesis, the main idea of the essay, the main argument.

When you write the body paragraphs, make your arguments, and more arguments to support your arguments. Explain the counter-argument and refute it. Make your case like a brilliant attorney.

Writing Feedback / The individuality, use of machines and traveling for pleasure - essay [7]

Yes, that's what I meant! :)

Letters / Appeal letter - Goals, Good Intentions, Seeking Reevaluation [7]

In addition to the current state of the economy, m My past experiences, ...

I would get rid of the mention of the economy there. This letter will be successful, I think! Let us know how it goes. It is obviously thoughtful and sincere. If it does not work out, the next thing to do is spend 6 months accomplishing something impressive that you can write about in your next letter like this. Maybe you will end up being a rich entrepreneur in the process. If they reject this one, maybe you will need to go to a different school for a year and get excellent grades?

Book Reports / (symbolic / character interpretation)? - my new essay is on lord of the flies. [15]

Have you ever wanted to kill someone?
I like it! You toned down this opening in a good way. The mention of killing someone is enough to grab the attention. In general, it will be good for you to eliminate unnecessary sentences in your writing. Same for all of us.

Most would say no; however, if you think about it we get outraged very easily, and sometimes it takes all our self-control to keep from lashing out.


Excellent! Now, reread your whole essay and think of it as advice you were writing for kids who were about to become policy-makers, senate, congress, etc. The essay is all very good. But I think you are neglecting the fact that the lessons in the story are most useful for those who would participate in government -- an important thing to at least acknowledge.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: movies - serious or amusing? [11]

Thanks for the two cents! A lot of members have to come out of their shells in order to give 2 cents; good, intellectual debate requires a lot of people's 2 cents. I don't know what Mr. bean is, but I don't know how anyone could not like Blackadder!

Writing Feedback / Something That Changed Me - Becoming a Bully [13]

Hey, I have to admit that silverystars makes a good point when she says that there is a downside to forcing people to help each other: who wants help from someone who is being forced to help? That is pretty interesting!

I had not thought of it that way. I was just thinking of it like a necessity that people help, because the help has to come from somewhere! The moderators cannot do all of it.

When I noticed that some people had great difficulty giving peer reviews, it made me think: "Hey, this is another great thing about EssayForum. I forces people to muster up th confidence to express themselves about a piece of writing. It forces members to become literary critics!"

Now that you made me think of the fact that people do not necessarily like to have help that the helper is "forced" to give, it gives me an even deeper understanding.

Nevertheless, members are required to give critiques, and I feel good about that. Thanks for the insight you provided! Hey, I think Sean's original comment was intended as a compliment, albeit a mixed one! Ha ha, hey Sean, did you feel like you were "becoming a bully?" I, too, have been having to play the role of bully as I encourage people to give substantial reviews. Ha ha.

Writing Feedback / 'Schools are nestles of education' - Essay on Violence in schools. [13]


That is a very eloquent explanation! Really, this thought is difficult to explain. "Ignorance" has NEGATIVE CONNOTATIONS in English. You mean to say that children should be "naive"...

I am impressed with your intellect. I'm glad we caught that problem. Good luck with this!! :)

Writing Feedback / Apprenticeship Program Aplication [5]

I have been searching for the right program, one that enables me to apply...


Don't say 5. Everyone knows 5 year olds don't understand; it is better not to specify an age. You might seem naive if you use a 5-year old's notions as support for your assertion. Just say "from a very early age.."

problem-solving abilities


This (above) is weak. Like Sean said you need examples instead -- "SHOW, don't tell"


For this, could you get yourself up to a three and a half by studying hard in the next few weeks?? :)

Essays / The best way of adding depth to an essay [9]

Yes, it depends on how you think of the word "depth." It could mean the profound philosophical significance behind Gibran's poetry. It could be thoroughness in analysis of some piece of art. It could be an argument with deep roots in its premise, logic, and support.

Your writing could go deep in the sense that you practiacally hypnotize the reader with an attention grabber in the beginning -- and RHYTHMIC words.

What are you writing right now?

Book Reports / Lord of the Flies essay: characters, concerns and language of the novel [5]

In a similar manner to concerns, I think that is not quite right..

I wondered about the same thing as Sean, are you required to stick to these three themes? Also, the first sentence of this essay is a little confusing; maybe you could write: From the start of the story, Golding...


I think Piggy seems like the intellect that takes a back seat to brute strength; society can't benefit from intellectuals like Piggy, because at a deep level we value brute strength over intellect. Or something.

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

Well, my most important advice is that this is an essay that will need many coats of paint. When I write something simple, it may need only 2 coats of paint, but somthing as complex as this... trying to link the song to the play throughout.

One coat of paint will have to be for transitions. You should not jump from topic to topic just to link the play to the song in various ways. The essay needs a subtle theme that goes beyond just showing the play and song together. The relationship of the play to the song has hidden meaning, and it is your job to uncover that. When you do, explain it in that first paragraph -- at the very end.

That way, in addition to showing the relationship between the song and play, you also have a unique theme.

Writing Feedback / SAT essay: Are people's lives the result of the choices they make? [4]

...money and fame that an occupation as a doctor could provide , even though...

The opening metaphor is great, for sure, and I actually don't find any problem with the fictional example from Shakespeare; an example of Shakespeare's thought process is just as valuable as an example from a real-life thought process. Consistent with the metaphor about life being a canvas for creative work, it is all a play anyway!

I think I agree more with Sean's initial impressed-ness, and less with the obligatory criticism. We are here to give our thoughts about your work, so we have to say what we can, but above all this is a great, great essay.

And the literature and our won lives illustrated that, when making a better choice, we will ...

Essays / From Kyrgyzstan to Oxford [23]

Change Lives, Change Organizations, Change the World!
Is this (above) the title? If so, I think you should come up with something just as enthusiastic but perhaps more specific!

"If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk, then crawl. But whatever you do, keep moving." -- Martin Luther King, Jr .

Leading people is my talent. While studying at a school I dedicated my lifetime to our student organization "Moving Forward", editing our monthly student newspaper and building its website.

I was the president of my class at the High School. Together with peers we organized ...

In the summer 2008 I was published in the Washington Post by Steve Hendrix working as a lifeguard in the USA.

This program will help me to succeed in Europe and earn a degree diploma so that I can work at the World Bank. Working there will let me involve investors, grants, projects and businesses in Kyrgyz Republic. I am planning to become specialist of Kyrgyz Republic at the World Bank. It is great opportunity to contribute in my native country.

"There may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help." George Morriam.

Hey, this is great; if I was the admissions person reading this, I would be excited to accept you.

Writing Feedback / 'Schools are nestles of education' - Essay on Violence in schools. [13]

Hurting a living being is something that all humans should be ignorant about.

It sounds like you are saying people should be ignorant.

I think you should say that these are things human beings should NOT be ignorant about. I hope I am not misunderstanding you...

Can you clarify what you want it to mean?

Writing Feedback / Economic paper: the role of opportunity cost in financial decision making [5]

No, I think you were trying to say, "From what I understand of the reading..." and the suggestion I offered above was:

If I correctly understand the reading, ...

So, either of those works.

About the other thing... you can write:

As Livingstone (2007) wrote that

or you can write:

As Livingstone (2007) wrote, that

or even:

As Livingstone (2007) wrote, that

but you can't write:

As Livingstone (2007) wrote, that ...

If you do it this last way, the sentence is convoluted...

Undergraduate / UCF admission essay (why did I choose to apply and family influence) [4]

The University of Central Florida highly has fulfills the characteristics of a dream-school, a learning institution that I would be privileged to attend. Ever since I moved to the state of Florida, I was determined to look for the best University available .

Approximately Three years ago...

...with the hopes of living the American dream.

These are pretty great! I think it would be better if, in the first one, you mention the name of a specific faculty member that you admire or a special resource or club at the school.

Writing Feedback / Definition Essay: Building the Blocks, Becoming Successful (The Climb) [3]

"Success" is derived from the Latin word "successus"...

You can follow Sean's advice by using a new topic sentence for a few of these paragraphs. For example, "success" is a good outcome from being organized, and it is a good outcome from having enthusiasm and willpower, and success is a good outcome from empowering others and being a leader. You can add new topic sentences, and it will make this a definition essay.

This sentence needs to be changed:
The true definition of success is defined in Michael Jordan embodies ont of the highest forms of success, with is success that comes from empowering others and acting as a leader.

Letters / Appeal letter - Goals, Good Intentions, Seeking Reevaluation [7]

I seek higher learning at your university because I want to take advantage of my potential to have an intimate relationship with knowledge, challenge myself to the vast opportunities that you offer, enhance the awareness and leadership of the world and community, and receive the opportunity to be under the guidance of the knowledgeable and accomplished professors.

that is some great advice from Sean. I would add that the first sentence is pretty boring/obvious, and maybe you could come up with a really inspired first sentence to replace it with. It will also be good if you can spend a sentence or two telling about your specific plans for entering a field that you have chosen in your own unique way -- to really make them take you seriously and remember this essay.

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

All the translations at the top of your last post look good.


For these, above, the first 2 are goo no matter which way you choose to say it, and for compulsive:

He is compelled to give her a compliment. He noticed that she kept tapping the steering wheel, as if it was a compulsive habit. She was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive disorder, because every time she did something with here left hand she would have to do the same thing with her right hand.

He was not born to be a teacher. That is good.

will the word wade through work here, and is there other alternatives? You can say he was compelled to become a teacher. Or, you can say he was pressured to become a teacher.

I hope that helped!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY: lessons with teachers versus others sources [8]

Now, many students learn from educational and informative sources on the Internet after class, and they find it quite helpful.

...firmly believe that, with these sources, s tudents learn lots of things which they cannot learn in class .

Yes, I agree with the others: it is good to tell them your main point at the start, then explain it, and then tell it again at the end. Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / Pushed to hard work-----a positive or negative development? [4]

Yes, as you refine the essay to cover the prompt perfectly, it will be good to add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph. It can be a sentence that tells the main point of the essay. Another sentence there t the end of that first paragraph will help a lot, if you make it a sentence that explains the main idea very well.

I don't see grammar errors; this is great! Your essay reminds me about Daoist scripture that I was reading yesterday; Do nothing, and nothing will be left undone." I think it would be good to also quote Dao De Jing chapter 20 in this essay. Is this mostly about China?

If it is about China, the question is even more interesting, because China is about to replace India as the country that most wealthy counties want to outsource skilled labor to.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: movies - serious or amusing? [11]

Recently there is a hot and essential controversy concerning on the argument that which one do you prefer, the value of serious movies compared to entertaining movies. A proportion of people indicate the point that they prefer to spend most their time on the serious movies rather than the entertainment movies.

Never had I seen him so sad . To help him get out off the sadness, I accompanied him watching the movie "Forrest Gump". When we met few days later, he was better, and he thanked me a lot. Now, he likes to tell others how does he recovered by watching the movie.

Although there are some advantages to entertainment movies, I am convinced that the benefits of the serious movies outweigh the benefits of entertainment movies. We can not only get the essential philosophy, but it may have opposite effects on children. These two aspect are the most crucial factors that convince me of the idea that serious movies are better than the entertainment movies.

Well, Forrest Gump is an example of a movie that is both serious and entertaining. I think it will be good if, instead of "entertainment movies," you write non-serious. Give an example of a non-serious movie, such as the movie called "Jackass."

Good luck!!!! :)

Writing Feedback / 'Schools are nestles of education' - Essay on Violence in schools. [13]

Schools are nestles of education, and education is intended to teach students how to discern the wrong from the right -- and to reveal to them the path of an easier, happier and more conscious life.

The inhabitants of schools (i.e. students who ought to be ignorant and unconscious about hurting others) prevalently use violence, this can be attributed to mass media and family disorders. If ugly things occur in most beautiful places then, something is wrong.---For this part, what do you mean when you say "students ought to be ignorant and unconscious"?

Human beings no different from any other kinds of animals unless...

This is what media does, and this...

...behave inappropriately in the society. The students who lack the ability to express their feelings, or, in other words, who are incurable usually prefer or assume violence as a solution.

We start our lives in our mothers' wombs, and then we continue on...

To conclude, two of the main factors of violence in schools are: distorted...

When you write, Hurting a living being is something that all humans should be ignorant about it make me think you misunderstand the definition of "ignorant". Someone who i ignorant IGNORES knowledge, so he or she acts foolishly. "Ignorance" is something to avoid.

Good luck!!

Writing Feedback / "Leave it to Allah!" Does this article sound good in English? [48]

I see what he means about... That is a sentence that I started and did not finish! Sorry for the confusion. I stopped half way through, and started writing another sentence! :)

Essays / problem-solution essay (domestic or international problem) [4]

I know how you feel! Take a break, and after resting drink a coffee; that's what I do.

Also, consider dividing this into a few sections so that it is not overwhelming. The first section defines the issue; the second section describes one option for a solution; the third section describes another option; the fourth section describes another option; the fifth section argues for one of the three options; the sixth section acknowledges an argument that is different from yours and shows how your argument is better; the seventh section is a conclusion in which you repeat your important points.

Poverty in Africa? What is an example of a solution you would choose over another solution? This problem is too complex, I think! If you are feeling burnt out, try a topic with some clear possibilities for solutions -- you might want to write about a specific African country, so that it is more manageable.

Write about something for which you can think of at least 3 different solutions -- and choose one.

Writing Feedback / Political Allegory [3]

Snowball, being a good speaker, wanted a better life for those who lived on the farm but gets chased away into exile by Napoleon's dogs.

The principles of Animalism were being forgotten...

It seems like you could make the intro and thesis a bit more defined. The intro and conclusion paragraphs each need another sentence or two, just to build a strong foundation for the essay. Can you say something more specific than that it is a political commentary, etc? Say something more specific, something which is still supported by the body of the essay.

This is great, though; thanks for giving me a better understanding of Animal Farm.

Writing Feedback / Economic paper: the role of opportunity cost in financial decision making [5]

There are many grammar errors. I don't understand well enough to tell you if the content is good, but I can correct some sentences:

If I correctly understand the reading, opportunity cost could be the price that one is going to pay in the future; in another words, the cost compared to alternatives.

Although it would be excellent to possess all worthy things, with limited resources we are able to serve only one purpose at one time.

...due to the economy crisis, companies need to decide what productions to cut back (though this is the next best value). As Livingstone (2007) wrote, that "Effective management ...

As a result, play station games show growth potential and less cost compare to magazines.

GOOD LUCK!! This is a hard subject.

Essays / Discovery of the "New World" [15]

There is not much to correct... this is a nice paper, so far.

Here is something:
Undermining the value of human life, the Spaniards brought African slaves to work on the settlements.

About your question, I think what you need to do is jot down a list of the MAJOR ideas covered in your essay. That way, you know what is supposed to come next. What is supposed to come next? You need to lead th creativity along by knowing where you're going.

Just think of what the main point is, and stick to it... you have one main idea for this whole essay, and each paragraph can represent a MAJOR idea that supports your main idea. That is a goofy way to explain it, I guess, but maybe it will help. You just need to know, what is the next idea???

Essays / Convincing my professor that I understand: Structure of Writing [5]

Before attended English 112, I did not have a clear understanding of the structure of writing. In these past weeks, I learned fully how to organize my thoughts on paper by planning drafting and revising, in order to develop more complex papers. My lack of ability to analyze and critique a reading and utilize research to support my ideas made my writing weak.

Through, not "thru"

And I feel most confident that I have obtained the required objectives of the curriculum in basics writing skills, and I will continue to use the resources available to assist me in my future courses at DeVry..

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on How High School Sports Influenced you [8]

It influences many people in different ways. For me sports helped influenced My personality reflects the strength and mental clarity that I developed through sports. During my four years at Mahwah High School, I have been involved in many clubs, but my involvement ...

People think of track and cross country as individual sports, but it isn't.

That sentence does not work. However, the paragraph is actually pretty cool if you start with:In order for teams to win meets, athletes must perform

Working among colleagues within a field of expertise is like being on a sports team.
That is a cool thought!

Good luck with this!